Tag: Achievements

Posted in Welcome to my world

I’ve really gone and done it now

Posted on by WeeGee

I’m going through a bit of a phase at the moment – I keep doing things that I’ve been meaning to do for ages and then wondering why on earth I hadn’t done them before. I suppose the obvious answer is that if I had tried to do these things before I wouldn’t have been strong enough to see them through. Still, I’m enjoying rediscovering how easy it is to get back to yourself when you’re ready too. If I’m honest I’m a bit worried about what happens when I come off my medication – I can’t stay on it forever after all. Still, that isn’t going to happen for a long time which means it’s a worry for another day.

During my quiet night in last night* I took something of a leap of faith and decided to sign up for – wait for it – an online dating site. Yep. That’s me. On an online dating site. Oh my word! Gawd only knows what I’m trying to achieve – to be honest it doesn’t feel too bad so far although I found myself at a loss for words when someone asked if they could buy me a coffee**. Eeeek!

I suppose I felt like it was time for me to move on. I’ve been in mourning for Mr Friendly for more than two years now. For all that time I’ve kept the notion that one day he would work through whatever he is working through and decide that I was the one for him firmly in my heart. I guess it might happen one day – but equally it might not. In fact, if I weigh up the facts over the feelings it’s more likely not to happen than to happen.

So it’s over to the outside world. I’m under no illusions and to be honest if I meet the man of my dreams on the Interweb I’ll eat my hat or somefink. But you never know –  I might come across some interesting people and make a few friends along the way.

Eeeek! The WeeGee is on an online dating site. I’ve really gone and done it now……

Lots of love WeeGee xxx

*Which was so lovely I’ve decided to have another one tonight

**And not just because I don’t like coffee!

Posted in About today

Sore head

Posted on by WeeGee

 

I thought it was probably time for a little update. So here’s a little update….

I injured myself quite badly on Saturday morning. There I was, sleeping away, when I decided to semi-wake-up and smack my head off the corner of my bedside table. It was quite gruesome actually – I left skin behind on the furniture and gave myself a nice shiny black eye. What tremendous fun I have.

Any way several hours and a few stitches later I went out for dinner. You know, as in ME in the OUTSIDE WORLD for dinner WITH FRIENDS AND STUFF. Even though I had an injury (and a pretty bad headache). Go me……

So that was yesterday. It didn’t go according to plan and I reckon I’ll be able to add yet another impressive scar to the existing bus related scar on my face. WeeGee: ScarFace…..*

Today I have mostly spent my time being a domestic goddess. I cleaned the flat until it sparkled, made roast onion soup, pickled some shallots, made a rather lovely malted chocolate cheesecake, and roasted some chicken with garlic and thyme. One of these days I’m going to make some lucky bugger a fantastic wife.

I’ve several white coat type appointments coming up tomorrow. I’ve got the GP and the psychiatrist and FINALLY the psychologist for a spot of CBT. I’m also getting my hair cut. Add up all of those appointments and you have a nightmare-anxiety-i’d-rather-die-kinda-day on the horizon. Big Boooo. Oh and boo hoo.

Meanwhile in other news I am completely over excited about the return of Dexter TONIGHT. Nothing else to report save that my head still hurts and I wish that tomorrow was over and done with.

Night night lovely folks, WeeGee xxxx

 

 

 

*But MUCH  prettier than that makes me sound

 

 

 

Posted in Welcome to my world

I made it!

Posted on by WeeGee

I am pleased to report that the 19th September 2012 passed without incident, tragedy or disaster here in WeeGee land. Fank gawd for that….

I decided to have a nice quiet evening to myself last night. The challenge was to remember the sad things – pay my respects, as it were – without driving myself round the bend. I think I managed it quite admirably.

It’s important to be able to remember, especially when no one else is going to. In the end I marked the occasion without getting into any trouble and I feel better for having done it.

So, that’s it all done with for another year. Who knows? By the time the 19th September 2013 comes around I might be able to say ‘that’s it all done with full stop’

This is a short post, but never fear! I plan to be back later on with a ‘thirty days of truth’ post but before that I have a little bit of reading to do….

Lots of love from a relieved WeeGee on 20th September *sigh of relief*

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

More lessons

Posted on by WeeGee

I feel that I should write something. I’m not entirely sure what I’m going to write, but if I don’t write something soon I’ll get out of the habit of writing and that’d probably spell The End for How do you eat an elephant? Which would be a bit of a shame…..

I suppose I should start by filling you in on the last couple of days which have felt like something approaching good. Yes, you did read that right – I said something approaching good! Okay, so I had a minor melt down at the start of the week but it had been a long time coming I suppose and I’ve just about forgiven myself  because I feel like I’ve learned some important lessons along the way. Which is no bad thing…..

Important lesson of the week # 1: If you can’t keep going you have to stop keeping going until you’re ready to get going again.

I’ve also been busy taking care of myself and making a plan. It feels like ages since I’ve a) properly taken care of myself or b) had a plan. It feels so much better to have something to aim for other than Eastenders* I’m not talking about any kind of grand ‘sort your life out in four weeks’ plan, more of a ‘let’s get from a to b and worry about c later’ type plan.

Important lesson of the week # 2: You don’t have to do EVERYTHING right now because there’s plenty of time for everything.

I’ve had a few words with ‘the brain’. It’s a ridiculous state of affairs – we can’t hate one another for ever because we’re pretty much stuck with each other** and whether we like it or not we’re going to have to find a way to rub along together. The deal goes something like this: I will nourish rest and generally take good care of the brain if the brain promises to make a concerted effort to stop with all that over thinking it nonsense. In the fullness of time I’d like the brain to give up on all that up/down/backwards/forwards/shake it all about stuff, but hey! At least we’ve got a start.

Important lesson of the week #3: If you take good care of your brain it will be remarkably compliant when it comes to doing deals.

One week. One meltdown. Three lessons. Could be worse eh?

In conclusion I think things are looking okay. That’s as far as my ‘state of the nation’ update goes: WeeGee is okay. Which is pretty much okay.

Never fear – I’ll be back later with some of the more usual rambling idiocy

Love WeeGee xxx

*Yes. I watch Eastenders. What of it?!

**What with the frontal lobotomy being out of fashion and all….

Posted in Moving forwards

We’re all doomed

Posted on by WeeGee

Don’t worry, we’re not really. Doomed that is, well at least not as far as I know. To be fair, if we were all doomed I’m pretty sure the powers that be would get in touch with someone important (like the Pope) or wise (like the Dalai Lama)* rather than me….. Moving swiftly on before I get myself into trouble.

All kinds of things ‘hold me back in life’. Some of the things that hold me back feel insurmountable at times and I know I have to hold on tight, work hard and keep my head if I’m ever going to deal with them. And that’s fine. I know what my goals are.

At the same time, some of the things that hold me back aren’t so huge and I know that the answer to overcoming them is entirely in my gift. Like for example, the fact that I’m shy.

There you have it. I’m shy and I lack confidence but (and here’s the thing) that’s not because I’m mental. It’s a simple character trait. Sometimes, when you’re mental it’s too easy to forget that you have a ‘personality’ at all – everything gets bound up with your difficulties whether it belongs there or not.

When my mental tendencies get mixed up with my shyness I start to think that I’M DOOMED. Except of course, I’m not doomed. I’m just a bit** mental and a bit shy.

As I said – I’m working on the mental health stuff but there isn’t a magic wand and I just have to keep plugging away. What I tend not to remember is that I have to work on the shyness stuff too – there isn’t a magic wand for that either, but then again I can at least put my mind to it.

So, in light of that, I spent this afternoon deliberately doing things I don’t like doing because I’m shy. That’s deliberately…. as in, on purpose. I stand by my assertion that this is nothing to do with being mental!

Shyness is, in some ways, a little bit like mental health difficulties: everybody experiences it slightly differently even though it has a common name. For me, the biggest part of my shyness is the ‘fear’ that I will ‘look’ foolish. It’s a bit like anxiety, but not quite… sometimes I get anxious and I know how that feels, but most of the time I’m shy and I know how that feels too.

In order to avoid looking foolish I avoid situations where ‘I don’t know what I’m doing’, or where I feel ‘conspicuous’. This means I hardly ever do anything new. It also means that I don’t do some really simple things that I’m perfectly capable of doing, and for that matter, enjoying.

Here’s what I’ve been up to this afternoon

1. Inviting Mr Friendly to dinner even though I was scared he would think it was a stupid idea and that I would end up feeling foolish.

2. Going into a brand new coffee shop, purchasing a beverage and drinking it there even though I had never been in there before and was scared everyone would look at me because I was on my own.

3. Wandering around the boutique type shops in Surbiton even though I had never been in them before, had no money to buy anything and was scared everyone would think I didn’t belong there.

4. Using the coinstar machine in the supermarket even though I thought I might not be able to work it and that everyone would look at me and think I was a fool.

5. Buying an ice lolly on the way home AND EATING IT IN PUBLIC on my own

It seems like a pretty small list of achievements I guess doesn’t it*** but I don’t care, because I decided I was going out of my comfort zone just because I could if I tried. And I did it. And I had a pretty okay day all things considered.

Lots of bravery and love from WeeGee xx

*Did you see what I did there?!

**Okay – a lot mental

***Oh no, am I feeling foolish now?!

Posted in Poetry

Poetry incoming

Posted on by WeeGee

 

I’m about to post some poems. I’m posting them more for the sake of posterity than for your reading enjoyment. I say that because they are mostly rubbish 🙂

Your Chair

I sit in your chair now – the one in the corner.

The one where you last sat

Every sullen loveless inch of you

Remains in your chair, now vacated.

I sit in your chair sending years

To an empty end

And I dedicate it all to you:

To your ruins

And your shabby comfort

And to your bloody chair.

©WeeGee 2012. All rights reserved.

 

Posted in Little things that made me smile

Tagged by a moose

Posted on by WeeGee

I’ve been tagged by Garry, the depressed moose…..

Here are my answers.

What is your proudest moment from your blogging career?

Do you know what? I’m just proud of my blog full-stop.

I started writing it when I was on the way back up after a pretty major crash and I’m still amazed that I’ve managed to keep it up.

Starting a blog about my journey is one of the best things I’ve ever done in terms of managing my mental health. It gives me something to focus on and helps me to challenge my thinking because instead of getting lost in it I have to work out how I’m going to write about it when I get home.

What is your proudest moment in your life?

Hmm. I think finishing my first degree. I was still in early days recovery from an eating disorder, and all things considered my brain really wasn’t well. At the beginning of my third year at University it all got too much and I tried to take my life. I didn’t succeed and I’m very proud that when I was strong enough, I took myself back to University and tried again and finished up with a rather respectable 2:1.

What is your biggest achievement?

I know it sounds daft, but getting to today is a pretty big achievement in my book. I’ve had some pretty dark times and it really is big news and a huge achievement that I made it this far.

What makes you feel happy when you’re down?

Sometimes, nothing helps – that’s the nature of the beast I suppose. When I get bleak like that I just have to hold on tight and wait for a different feeling to come along. The only good thing about feelings is that there is always another one on the way if you don’t like the one you’ve got.

If I’m just a bit sad as opposed to suicidal and bleak I crack open the Monk box sets. Rather aptly, I am obsessed with Monk and it never fails to make me smile*

Is there a particular song that makes you happy?

Loads probably, but sometimes even songs that make me happy end up making me sad because I think about listening to them when I was happy! If I have to pick just one I’ll go for this one:

Is there a film to make you happy?

Wow! I’m not sure there is. I’ve been racking my brains and all of my favourite films are sad! Could I pick a book instead? If so I’ll go with Jane Eyre because despite all the misery and heartache everything turns out okay in the end. Kinda.

If you’re happy and you know and you really want to show it do you clap your hands? Or what do you do?

If I’m happy and I know it and I really want to show it I laugh. Laughing is good for you and it’s nice to share it around if you can.

What is your favourite inspirational quote?

Oh I’ve got loads. I love a good quote! How about this one: ‘Great things are done by a series of small things brought together’?

Do you have a “happy place” where you like to go and hide from the world?

Apart from my bed which is the place I usually go to hide, I like to wander down by the River and empty my head a little.

If you was happy and I was sad how would you cheer me up?

You can’t always cheer people up. Sometimes you just have to be there for them whilst they wait for sad to pass. So if I was happy and you were sad, I’d head round to your gaff with a couple of tea bags, some lotto tickets and this:

And I’d keep you company till the sad had passed.

If happy was a person who would he look like in the real world?

Like this:

Or this:

Or maybe this:

Or perhaps even this (if it was a sentient being rather than a person):

Love from WeeGee xx

*Apart from Mr Monk and the kid, which never fails to make me cry!

Posted in About today

WeeGee goes to a party

Posted on by WeeGee

So. I went to a party. Here’s what happens when WeeGee goes to a party.

1. When she realises that she can’t remember the last time she went to a party she will enter a state of sheer panic. What does one wear to a party? Should I take a gift? Why am I going to a party – I hate parties? What if I cry? What if I make a fool of myself?

2. Taking into account the aforementioned panics plus at least a trillion others WeeGee will decide she is definitely not going to go to a party.

3. However, when she receives a text from the person who is hosting the party saying ‘no worries if you can’t make it tonight. Have a nice evening’ she will decide to go to the party after all because she’s sick of proving everyone, including herself, right.

4. Whilst on the way to the party WeeGee remembers the ‘gift panic’ and makes a detour via waitrose where she spends a stupid amount of time trying to decide whether to take wine, flowers or chocolate.

5. When WeeGee decides she can’t decide whether to take wine, flowers or chocolate she will decide to take all three in order to overcome the problem.

6. However, when she gets into the queue to pay she decides taking all three is ridiculous and has to surreptitiously  dump the flowers and chocolate before reaching the till.

7. Upon arriving at the party WeeGee feels like an idiot and has to try very hard not to cry, or puke, or both.

8. When WeeGee realises she spent so long faffing about in Waitrose that she missed SIR FRANK TURNER PLAYING AT THE OPENING CEREMONY WARM-UP she feels like an idiot and has to try very hard not to cry, or puke, or both*.

9. (And this is the big one) WeeGee doesn’t cry, puke, or spontaneously combust, in fact she doesn’t even have a terrible time at the party.

10. WeeGee wonders why she doesn’t go to parties more often.

Lots of love WeeGee, party animal!

*Everytime I remember that I missed SIR FRANK TURNER PLAYING AT THE OPENING CEREMONY WARM-UP I still feel like an idiot and have to try very hard not to cry, or puke, or both.

Posted in Moving forwards

Dear Person

Posted on by WeeGee

Dear Person,

You have been there in the background for too long now, and tonight is the night when I say enough is enough. It is time for you to leave me behind and I you.

I suppose you will wonder what has brought this on. The answer, is time. The time that I’ve had to make sense of everything that didn’t make sense until I had time.  Last night you sent me a message and fifteen minutes later you chased it up wondering what on earth could be the matter that I hadn’t responded within fifteen little minutes. Tonight, I guess you are busy, because there has been no message and no chase up and you don’t seem to be interested in what on earth might be the matter.

It always was on your terms – whatever it was. I no longer accept your terms. I’m not here when you’re lonely and gone when you are not. I am here always, such is my way but such is not yours. I have been held back by ‘your terms’. By the words you threw at me – like ‘this might be the biggest mistake I’ve ever made’ or ‘do you want a lodger’ or ‘I’m so unhappy without you’. No more. No more your words and no more your terms. I’m not as vulnerable as you think.

Does this mean I don’t love you? Not at all. That I love you is the deepest, purest and truest thing I ever did or ever will do. Some things just are – they can’t be changed. But what I can change is my presence. I am here for me, in my life, in my world and not for you in your life, in your world when it suits.

I am learning lessons. I don’t suppose you expected that. But then again, I’m not as vulnerable as you think nor indeed as vulnerable as I thought.

Lots of love from WeeGee (being all cryptic but feeling great)