Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

It’s been a wee while

My goodness, it’s been a while – so long in fact that I wouldn’t be surprised if you’ve gone and forgotten all about me. I’ve been absent for months and months, for lots and lots of different reasons. In the end though, if I had to sum it up, my silence has really come about because I realised that some things in life deserve your absolute and undivided attention……

The last time we spoke I’d just moved to my new flat and, I think, I was getting ready to start my new job. Neither of those things seems very new any more. Such is the nature of time I guess but I’ve been surprised by how quickly I’ve settled in to things. I used to have one life and now I’ve got another. In many ways, it really has been as easy as that: things change, life moves on, WeeGee does her little thing. Yadder, yadder, yadder.

Of course, WeeGee doing her little thing is never REALLY easy. You know me of old and you know that I ALWAYS have to do things the long way round. I think I’ve learned that I’m a master of ‘keeping up appearances’, of being okay when I’m really not, of holding it together when everything starts to unravel. I suppose what it’s really all about is contradictions. I can be absolutely fine at the same time as being absolutely not. Increasingly I think that I’m the only one who knows the difference even though I’m the last person you’d trust to be in charge of stuff like that.

Anyway….

Let’s cut a long story short – if haven’t already cut it too long. The thing that needed my absolute and undivided attention was little old ME. I needed to take time to work out how it all felt, and what it all meant, and how on earth it was ever going to come together. Maybe you remember that I spent a long time figuring out what being ‘me’ was all about when I moved to Surbiton. I guess this past few months has been about me doing the same thing for the next chapter.

I shouldn’t hide it – there have been some pretty grim moments of late, because that’s just how the difficulties I have manifest themselves. My alien brain has been in over drive and it feels like a small miracle that I haven’t jumped out of any windows. Then again, I’ve learned to take my miracles wherever I find them.

There have been new meds. I tell you something, when it comes to the doomy gloomies they’ve been an absolute chuffing miracle – mainly because for the first couple of weeks I felt so UTTERLY NAUSEAUS that I couldn’t even think about the doomy gloomies and ever since then the raging heart burn has been pretty effective in keeping my thoughts focused on other things. Maybe it’s worth mentioning the couple of days when everything was AWESOME. Because that was AWESOME…..

I feel like I’ve checked in to say ‘Hey! Everything is just as wibbly wobbly as it was before’ but I haven’t really. I think maybe I’ve checked in to say that it’s been just as wibbly wobbly as its been before but that all the things I’ve learned up to now made it significantly less awful than it once would have been.

I think perhaps that you have you have to learn to live with yourself, and I think perhaps, that despite the mishaps, that’s still what I’m managing to do. Is it perfect? Well no, its mostly mental. But day by day I’m learning that there is a way to content yourself with that.

Meanwhile in other news it’s going to take me at least three million years to catch up on all the blogs I know and love and another squillion to discover all the new ones. Bear with me….

Love you all lots like Jelly Tots,

WeeGee xoxoxoxo

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

Excuse me…. You. Are. Annoying. Me.

Since last I wrote I have mostly been feeling guilty about not writing. I’ve got at least a million and one half written posts kicking about in draft form, and another three squillion notes to try and make sense of but when it came down to it my head was too busy being empty, and I was too busy being busy and every post I tried to write turned in to yet another post that simply wasn’t meant to be….. I’m not sure I’ve got too much to say yet but I’m going to give it a go anyway….

blogw4

Believe it or not it’s been four whole weeks since the big move. Surbiton is no more, living by myself is no more, my lovely little flat is no more, and WeeGee’s old life is pretty much no more. To be honest I think it took a little while for the enormity of things to start to sink in. There was so much to do – leading up to the move, during the move, and after the move – that my poor old broken brain didn’t have so much as a minute to figure out what the hell was hitting it. I think it would be fair to say that the last week or so has been quiet, hidey, and thoughtful because when so much hits your brain all at once it’s hardly surprising that you need a bit of quiet, hidey and thoughtful time to make sense of it all.

Things have changed in my life and even although I am one hundred percent sure that the changes have been for the better I still felt like I needed to recalibrate to how things are now. Changes rarely happen over night and where I am right now has been a very long time coming. I had to get better, I had to get to know myself and I had to find the courage to let other people know me too. I had to be brave enough to make some BIG decisions and strong enough to stand by them. I had to leap and wait to see if the net was going to appear. Thankfully it did but now I feel like I need to step back and take a few deep breaths.

A while ago I wrote about how everything in my life was up for grabs – where I lived, who I lived with, how I lived, and how I went about making that living. It seemed bonkers at the time because I liked where I lived, and who I lived with* and how I lived and how I made my living. As for now – well, it’s all changed and I definitely like it a whole lot better now. As for what next – it’s time for a new routine, and different plans and most of all it’s about my future. I don’t know what it’s going to be like but for the first time in a very long time I’m looking forward to every single minute of it…..

Meanwhile in other news I would like to report that Mr Awesome Thing Number Five does indeed have a number of annoying habits that I’m doing my very best to learn to live with.

blogw5

Nothing else to report today save that it’s okay, because I know I have just as many, if not more, annoying habits than him.

blogw6

Love you all lots like Jelly tots,

 

WeeGee xoxox

 

*Which was myself and my cat. What else does a WeeGee need?!

 

 

 

 

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

Hard work, but good work

Since last I wrote I have mostly been being busy. I have also mostly been being without broadband – for TWENTY WHOLE DAYS. I swear to god you cannot begin to imagine how TRULY AWFUL that actually was. I spent days and days of my life trying not to be sarcastic to the tech dudes on the phone, but they were TOTAL freaking idiots and they were VERY VERY lucky not to get a poke in the chuffing eye….

blog tech

Anyways – I’m back online now*, I’ve written my highly sarcastic email of complaint, and I’m starting to run out of busy so I decided that now was as good a time as any for a little update from WeeGee land.

I suppose the headline is that I’m all moved in and pretty much settled here in the new place with Mr Awesome Thing Number Five and, to cut a long story short, it’s AWESOME. Don’t get me wrong, the unpacking was a right royal pain in the backside, and there are still a few stray boxes kicking about but, you know, it feels a lot like home and he and I are rubbing along quite nicely together. We’re a pretty good team when all’s said and done.

I won’t lie – all this living together stuff is making for one heck of an adjustment. I knew I’d gotten used to living by myself, and I knew living with Mr Awesome Thing Number Five was going to be a HUGE change and a HUGE challenge. I’m working hard to mitigate, to make allowances, to compromise. I’m also working hard to look after myself and to give myself the priorities and space that I need. The thing is, it feels like working hard is worth every single ounce of effort it takes at the moment. Put simply – I’m having to work at life right now but life is good regardless.

It’s been a while since my last post and I’m a little rusty at this blogging lark so this was only ever going to be a short one. Will it do?

I’ll be back again in no time at all, just you wait and see. In the meantime, here’s a pretty little song:

Love you all lots like jelly tots

WeeGee xoxo

 

 

 

*Praise be

 

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

Guacamole

Since the last time I wrote I have mostly been being wide awake.

To be fair, insomnia and I are pretty well acquainted – it’s been part of my life for as long as I can remember. I suppose it started during my late teens and took firm root when I was at University, but I’m pretty sure it was present even before that. Then again, I’m not sure how much of that was only a little girl who loved her book so much that she didn’t want the story to end just yet….

Insomnia 1

Sometimes being wide-awake when the rest of the world is asleep is whatever the opposite of AWESOME is. Sometimes it feels like the biggest injustice that you’ve ever been dealt. Sometimes, most notably when your brain is in “I know, let’s jump out the window” mode, it feels pretty bloody dangerous. But sometimes, insomnia isn’t really as bad as all that. So long as you manage to get enough sleep to function* being awake in those silent, threadbare hours can actually be something of a blessing in disguise. Then again, maybe I’m only saying that because I’m a seasoned insomniac who knows the wide-awake club drill inside out.

Over the years I’ve learned a lot about dealing with sleeplessness. Warm baths, cool rooms, calm and quiet bedrooms: there is NOTHING I can’t tell you about ‘sleep hygiene’. And of course there’s self-soothing and mindfulness to throw in to the mix because is there anything mental that doesn’t need a spot of self-soothing and mindfulness throwing at it already? Sometimes one of those things, or a combination of those things will work but other times there’s only one thing for it – you just have to accept that you are awake and put the time to good use. Which is what I’ve been trying to do these past few days.

My brain is busy at the moment. I’ve got all kinds of things swimming around in my head – stuff about the move, stuff about work, stuff about the past, and stuff about the future. Stuff, stuff and triple stuff. And as much as I know that it’s the stuff that’s keeping me awake, I also know that I’m not going to sort the stuff out during the day what with the people, and the noise, and the life going on around me. So, when you’re tucked up in your bed sending up the zs? I’m busy putting my head in order and lining up my ducks. Trust me, the thinking time insomnia gives me is what’s keeping me sane at the moment. Plus, if I run out of thinking to do, there’s always the Internet.

Insomnia 2

Anyhoo….. Apart from the whole chronically awake thing, I’m doing remarkably well. The move is now ONE WEEK AWAY, there are still a million and one things to do, and it’s just starting to dawn on me that I’m leaving my beloved Kingston behind. I’m still monumentally rubbish at endings, and I still feel slightly tearful every time I remember that this particular chapter in my life is coming to an end. I came to Kingston to put myself back together so it does, and always will mean an awful lot to me. That said, I keep reminding myself that I wanted to put myself back together again so that I could go about living my life again, and this move, is the first big step on that particular journey.

Meanwhile in other news I’m pretty sure that once I’m all moved and settled** I’ll finally have the time and space to get back to regular blogging. At the moment I only manage to pop up every once in a while to let you know that I’m still here, that I’m still mental, and I’m still doing an AWESOME job of coping with stuff – there’s SO much else I want to share with you but right now, I just don’t have the space. Nothing else to report today save that I’ve been struck by how FANTASTIC and AWESOME my SUPER LOVELY blogging buddies are:

Insomnia 3

Oh – and just in case you’re still wondering where the title of this post comes into it I refer you to this song. It’s about insomnia. Sorta:

Love you all like lots and lots of jelly tots

WeeGee xoxoxox

*And believe me, you’d probably be surprised how little that is

**Next to no time, I’m sure :-/

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

The same jeans

This post comes with rather a lot of warnings, the first being that it’s late at night and no-one ever really turns out their best work late at night. I’m also in the midst of the most ginormous wibbly wobbly wobble that I can remember in a long time, which isn’t going to make for easy reading.

Oh, and before you ask, this post has nothing to do with a pair of jeans unless of course we’re going to accept that WeeGee is having a ginormous wibbly wobbly wobble that she’s trying to pin on a pair of jeans even though the jeans have nothing to do with it. Welcome back to WeeGee land……

It all started a few weeks ago when it seemed that my life divided in two. On the one hand I had the whole ‘I’m doing well, it’ll all be fine’ thing going on – on the other it was all a bit ‘what the FUCK, this isn’t supposed to be happening and I’m not too sure what to do to make it right’. I suppose I should have spotted the problem coming down the tracks, but, you know, brains don’t really work like that, especially not alien brains. I’m not going to beat myself up about that.

Anyway – so there I was, wobbling about all over the place. On the one hand everything was fine, and on the other hand it really wasn’t but I was just about managing to ignore the crazy. And then the crazy started leaking out of my ears*

Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever been so crazy that the crazy leaked out of you ears. I mean, I hope not, because it SUCKS, but then again, at the very least, I’m hoping you’ll know what I’m talking about? For me, I guess, it was one of those moments when I was reminded that I’m not always going to be able to do this whole being alive thing by myself.

So, I did what it used to take me along time to do, and I asked for help.

In some ways I’m lucky. When I ask for help a whole support machine seems to swing in to place around me. But then again, that’s only because of where I’ve been, and what I’ve (somehow) managed to survive. But it’s there, and the most important thing I’ve discovered this week is that I can ask for it.

Tonight I’m feeling very quiet and frightened and, to be honest, a bit boo hoo. At the same time I’m proud because I’m trying to stop the worst of me from happening to myself. I’ve said so many times in my blog that dealing with crazy is about doing the right things even when they feel wrong. Now, I suppose, it’s time to put my money where my mouth is.

As for the jeans? Well they don’t matter at all, so I’m not going to talk about them other than to say that if clothes from the past no longer fit then the past is surely a healthy distance away.

Here’s a song to end on. It’s about jeans. Sorta:

I love you all lots like a million billion jelly tots xoxo

*I borrowed this phrase from a fellow crazy. I know she won’t mind.

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

Birthday blues

Before I get to today’s update I have a couple of those points of order that pop up every so often to take care of…..

Point of order number one: I officially suck at reading blogs at the moment and I’m sorry about that. I love you all lots, and I miss you more, but my time is all filled up with grown up ‘need to do’ stuff and reading your blogs has fallen down towards the bottom of the pile. I promise I’ll be back shortly but in the meantime will you forgive me?

Point of order number two: Does everybody know that ‘How do you eat an elephant?’ has a Facebook page? No? Well it does. You can find it here:

https://www.facebook.com/HungryElephant

I’m one follower short of 30, and apparently when you get to 30 magic things start happening…… Go on – it will surely improve your life ☺

The End of the point of order section.

Since I last blogged I’ve been a busy little WeeGee. I’ve been getting myself all sorted out, and organised and back on track. I’ve also been having one of my (fairly extended) little thinks. After all, what would the WeeGee be without one of her little thinks?

In five days time I’m going to be having a birthday. Having a birthday shouldn’t be a big deal because everybody has one, like once a year and stuff, but it feels like a pretty big deal to me right now. I spent my last birthday hiding in my little hidey hole*, pacing about, and being TOTALLY MENTAL before doing myself a small mischief and presenting myself at A&E because I didn’t have anywhere else to go. It was whatever the opposite of tremendous fun is.

Birthdays bring out The Dreaded Jitters in me. I don’t really know why, except that maybe it’s the one day of the year when people seem to want you to be the centre of attention which actually only really means that they want you to be ‘happy’ even if you don’t feel much like being happy. Maybe I don’t like the ‘expectations’ that are associated with birthdays? Maybe I’ve had enough miserable birthdays to last me a lifetime? Maybe this is just WeeGee being an idiot and it’s about time she POKED HERSELF IN THE EYE?

If I shut out the anxiety** my upcoming birthday is looking pretty peachy. I’ve got a few days away with Mr Awesome Thing Number Five to look forward to. AND I’m going to spend a morning feeding some penguins***. AND mum and dad are coming to visit. AND I’m off work. AND I’ve got a very exciting new birthday handbag.

It’s all a bit ‘what’s not to like’ and I really wish I could shake this weird ‘I don’t like birthdays because they make me a bit mental’ thing. But hey – you know me and my brain. It doesn’t always make sense…..

Aside from all that WeeGee is doing pretty good. I’ve got a fantabulous ‘how far I’ve come’ post lined up for you but I’m going to take my time writing it because it’s an important one.

Meanwhile in other news here’s a lovely little Frank Turner song for you. I might have shared it before but what’s a bit of repetition amongst friends?

Nothing else to report today save that I love you all loads and loads like……. Roman roads???

WeeGee xoxox

*Rhio – TOTALLY tongue in cheek xoxox
** Just like that!
***Which is AS COOL AS PENGUINS

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

Thus the sky has nothing to scatter but red….

It’s pretty late. As in well past WeeGee’s bed time pretty late. The thing is my brain is not going to consent to going to sleep and I don’t have the energy to have that particular argument with myslef so I’m going to go right ahead and blog instead.

Hello! Welcome to my insomniac, wibbly wobbly wobbling post 🙂 I might as well tell you the short story because the long story is, well, long…..

So – I had a date. Third date actually with a total sweetie. And I had a lovely time. And that ought to be all you need to know. But then WeeGee did a WeeGee and pushed the infamous self sabotage button….

‘Dear Mr Awesome Thing Number Five,

Oh, you’re not thinking of running a mile? Let me behave like a weirdo until you do

Love, WeeGee’

Why can’t I just take nice and enjoy it? What on earth is the matter with me?

If I’m lost tonight, it’s only because I lost myself. And, as Mr Wise quite rightly pointed out – I seem to be doing this on purpose. How many more inappropriate guys am I going to fall in love with? Do I even want someone to care let alone love me? Do you like this song? It’s AWESOME:

Oh – and as for the title of my post? I went to the Science Museum on Saturday and a little person had drawn an awesome picture and explained some science that was beyond me and ended by pointing out that the sky had nothing else to scatter but red. I liked it.

Love you with all of my heart xoxoxo

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

Wibbly wobbly wobbling

Before anybody mentions it:

• Yes, it’s ridiculous o’clock in the morning
• Yes, I’m awake
• Yes, I’ve been awake for hours
• Yes, I’ve tried going back to sleep
• No, I can’t get back to sleep
• ROAR

That clears up the background…..

How’s everybody been? Since last she popped up WeeGee has mostly been AWESOME with occasional outbreaks of wibbly wobbly wobbling. I do love the odd bout of wibbly wobbly wobbling, but only because it’s good fun to say.

By the way, before I forget, if you notice the odd missing ‘L’ in this post can you please be too polite to mention it because it’s not my fault that the ‘L’ key on my laptop is feeling a bit temperamental and is refusing to type every so often.

Anyway – back to the wibbly wobbly wobbling* well, it just seems to happen every so often. It would appear that when I’ve nothing to be wibbly or wobbly about I’ll ramble around my head until I find something to make me go a bit wibbly wobbly. And then I wobble about for a while until I remember that I’ve got nothing to be wibbly wobbly about and then everything is AWESOME again. All of this just to say:

WeeGee wobbles but she won’t fall down**

It was Mrs Mountain day yesterday. Now I only see her every other week I try to use the time as wisely as I can because, you know, a fortnight can be a long time on planet mental so you have to make sure Mrs Mountain has heard all about it.

This week we were trying to figure out how and when it became such a big deal for WeeGee to let people into her life – by which we really meant ‘what’s the problem with people you don’t know very well coming into your flat and why do you feel the need to do EVERYTHING and ANYTHING you possibly can to avoid it?’

On the face of it, I guess it seems quite straightforward. This is MY space, it’s where I hid during the wilderness years, it’s where I paced about thinking completely and utterly bonkers stuff, it’s where I got better, it’s where I figure stuff out. They say an English man’s home is his castle. I guess a Scottish girl’s home is her teeny tiny flat…..

I suppose there’s also the fact that I’m quite ‘particular’ about certain things, you know, like angles and stuff. Nothing just ‘is’ in my flat – it’s ‘placed’ and if I’ve placed something somewhere and somehow that’s exactly how I want it to stay. The thing with other people is they don’t know the rules and they mess stuff up and put stuff that doesn’t belong in my flat in places it doesn’t have any right to be. And that upsets my sensibilities. They are also liable to switch the big light in the kitchen on and for some reason that makes me want to punch them in the face. Hard.

Still, there’s more to it than that, because that’s all stuff I can think my way out of. What I can’t think myself out of is the ‘empty’ people leave behind when they go away. When I first started living alone I thought the ‘empty’ was going to consume me. I hated it. It made me want to jump off tall things. And then I got used to it. I filled the space up with things that matter to me – tokens, memories, pictures, thoughts. I forgot what empty felt like by focusing on the mementos and how important they were to me and convincing myself that there’s no such thing as alone.

So anyway. Suppose I got used to having someone around? Not all of the time, because that’s completely out of the question, but maybe some of the time? Maybe on occasional evenings? Or at the weekend? It might be alright. But. That someone would start to fill the space up with themselves wouldn’t they? And that also might be alright. But. What if, at some point in the future, they stopped being around? Would I have to spend my time running away from empty until I got used to it again? The thing is I really don’t think I want to do that because I’m not entirely convinced I can.

As always, you will see that I have more questions than answers. I’ll have to have one of my little thinks about it. I’ll probably do a bit of wibbly wobbly wobbling as well, but I guess in the end it’ll all be AWESOME.

Meanwhile in other news, after the adventures in the ‘nipple-tastic’ dress last week yesterday I opted for the ‘makes WeeGee looks like she might be preggers’ dress. As pointed out by Mr Hilarious (very loudly). Nothing else to report today save that WeeGee very definitely doesn’t have a bun in the oven, and she’s never wearing that particular dress again.

Love you all lots and lots like polka dots***

WeeGee xoxoxox

P.S. Did I miss any Ls out?

*Have you tried saying it yet? Oh go on, I promise it’ll make you smile
**Like a weeble!
***I LOVE polka dots

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

I love my kettle

I came to the conclusion that I had to speak to somebody about being all bouncy and enthusiastic after the following occurred:

WeeGee wakes up early and thinks I LOVE waking up early

WeeGee looks in the mirror and thinks I LOVE my  haircut

WeeGee picks Gryff up and thinks I LOVE Gryff

WeeGee turns the radio on and thinks I LOVE this song

WeeGee switches the kettle on and thinks…… I LOVE MY KETTLE.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s a nice enough kettle, but that’s really not the point.

I’m fairly confident that the flat and empties are on their way out of my life for a little while which means that the chemicals in my brain are swimming around in the right places in the right quantities. That’s the good part. The bad part is that my brain has been flat and empty for more than two years now and it doesn’t really know what’s hit it. In response broken brain has decided that it’s invincible and that it LOVES everything which is a) exhausting and b) a bit dangerous. It’s dangerous because the last time my brain was like that I did a number of monumentally stupid things, the consequences of which I’m still dealing with now.

I spoke to Mr Wise about what was going on, on account of him being all wise about matters concerning WeeGee’s wonky brain. Here’s what we decided:

 

  • I’m a little bit over excited and suggestible at the moment
  • I’m aware that I’m a little bit over excited and suggestible at the moment
  • The fact that I’m aware that I’m a little bit over excited and suggestible at the moment is a good thing because it means I’ve got the wherewithal to know that buying a brand new Audi on Hire Purchase probably isn’t a good idea right now

Actually here’s another thing I know – being a bit excited at the moment isn’t an entirely bad thing because it is partly in response to exciting things happening. That’s perfectly normal – my only difficulty is that the mentals are magnifying things a little bit.

Finally here’s the most important thing I know – eventually all this bounding around filled full of enthusiasm is going to settle down and that’s going to mean that I’m getting towards the end of the road to recovery. My aim for the time between now and settling down is to make sure that I don’t do anything monumentally stupid and (go me) I have a little plan.

Here’s what WeeGee is going to do:

  • Continue to take her meds until such a time that Mr Clever says otherwise
  • Contact Mr Clever’s office if she thinks she’s going to rate a day as better than ten out of ten
  • Consult with Mr Wise before making any purchases or financial decisions
  • Avoid alcohol completely
  • Be careful with caffeine and sugar
  • Not get a tattoo
  • Not dye her hair any colour but especially not a colour involving the word neon
  • Not buy a brand new Audi* on Hire Purchase

Anyway – I’m feeling rather pleased with myself at the moment because I saw something coming down the tracks and I didn’t wait to see what happened when it hit me – I had a bit of insight and took some positive action and you can’t say fairer than that

Lots of love, hugs and bouncing around from WeeGee xxxxx

*I don’t know where the obsession with owning an Audi comes from because a) I don’t care about cars and b) I can’t drive……

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

The Interweb dating people

I actually wrote this post last night but I wanted to have one of my little thinks before I posted it – mainly because of that thing I have about not being unkind and being generally fair to people on my blog. Anyhoo – I’ve had my think now and I am starting with a little point of order:

I really want to keep you up to date with my adventures, but I’m also very aware that the Interweb dating people are real people too. I don’t think would be fair for me to write too much about particular people here. So I’m not really going to do that – I’ll mostly just write in the general. Once in a while I might mention specific people as they relate to me – much like I do with people in the real world – because I don’t think that’s unfair or unkind in the slightest.

That’s the little point of order taken care of then.

I think I’ve just about found my feet in the online dating world, although I must confess I’m not entirely convinced that I’ve quite got my head around the etiquette of ‘winking’….

So far I have discovered several distinct species on match.com and I already have a favourite species. This is good and has also served to remind me that those of us who spend considerable chunks of our time being mental tend also to be people who know ourselves very well. I know who I am, and I know the way that other people impact on me. I suppose you could say, it gives one the advantage when it comes to separating the wheat from the chaff.

Anyway – here’s a little run down of the species I have identified so far:

Mr glass of wine: This animal ‘doesn’t like talking online’ and would prefer to cut to the chase, as it were. Mr Glass of wine gets a great big thumbs down because all that ‘not talking online’ stuff suggests to me that he isn’t terribly interested in getting to know anyone and has his mind on other things. Also the idea that I might consider meeting someone based only on a photo they want me to think looks like them and some kind of notional description about travelling, and socialising and other such generalities IS THE WORST IDEA I’VE EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE.

Mr I want to know the secrets of your heart: This is an usual but not at all rare creature who has very fixed ideas about how you behave in the online dating environment. He has a long list of questions relating to life, the world and the universe and will occasionally ask how you feel about getting married or some other big one plus one life event. They also tend not to get my hilarious jokes. I’m afraid ‘secrets of your heart guy intimidates me a little. He wants to know about things like my ideal Sunday, my biggest fear, my ambition in life, or what I had for breakfast on the 18th July 1999. Do you know what? My best friend doesn’t know some of that stuff about me BECAUSE IT ISN’T REALLY IMPORTANT TO HAVING A FRIENDSHIP.

Mr deal breaker: Mr deal breaker is a focused and determined creature. If he likes photography and you don’t he doesn’t want to talk to you anymore which is fine, I guess. I’m just not entirely sure why that kind of interests and hobbies stuff is so important. If the man of my dreams turns out to love Morris Dancing that’s perfectly fine but why would I need to love it too? I’VE GOT HOBBIES OF MY OWN YOU KNOW.

Mr slightly scary: I find Mr Slightly scary very difficult to deal with. On the surface he seems generally pleasant but there’s something a bit unsettling about him. If I said to you that he’s probably a life-long fan of musical theatre who has always lived with his mother and wears a trench coat would you know what was talking about? Mr slightly scary makes HUGE GINORMOUS ALARM BELLS RING IN MY HEAD

Mr very scary: This animal is extremely aggressive and should be approached and handled with care. He requires an INSTANT RESPONSE TO ALL OF HIS COMMUNICATIONS or he will, in no uncertain terms, let you know that he thinks you are pretty much the Whore of Babylon because you are ‘talking to other men’. It will probably come as no surprise to you that being called the Whore of Babylon is usually an instant conversation killer for WeeGee.

Mr I’m very probably normal and the kind of person that WeeGee will feel comfortable chatting to: This lovely little creature is a rare one indeed. In fact I have thus far discovered only two such rare gems. The very probably normal creature is, well, very probably normal. He’ll be happy to swap general chit chat about our days and let the conversation ramble around from there. He’ll be amusing and cheeky without being at all lewd. He’ll have something interesting to say for himself. Mr very probably normal might be keen to meet up but perfectly happy to have a chat over a cuppa instead of wondering what happens if he gets me smashed off my face on cheap wine*

Finally, and this I think is the most important one of all you can say to Mr very probably normal ‘You know you said you quite liked me? Guess what? I’m a nutter!’ and he will say ‘okay’ and then crack a joke about how I can’t possibly be a lunatic if I hate Coldplay, or point out that I’m actually ‘not that much of a fruit loop’ Which suggests an understanding of what I’ve said and an engagement with what I’m about – I think that’s pretty telling actually.

I suppose the only other thing I can mention about Internet dating is my mother. Mum is of the generation of people who thinks that the whole of the Internet is a dark and dangerous place inhabited only by people of the Mr slightly scary variety. She is therefore absolutely convinced that I’m going to wind up as headline news for being yet another poor innocent girl who was murdered by some ogre she met online. Different times, I guess but it does kind of bother me that she thinks I’m quite so naïve. I mean, I’m an awful lot of things but naïve is certainly not one of them. Anyway I mention this because in response to my adventures in online dating my mum is phoning me up every two minutes to check if I’ve changed my mind about meeting Simon the accountant from her church. I don’t mind that he’s an accountant and I couldn’t care less that he goes to church but if I add those two things to the fact that my mother thinks he is a potential suitor for me I KNOW THAT HE IS NOT A POTENTIAL SUITOR FOR ME.

So yeah – one week, a million and one lessons, a very annoying mother, a spot of online people watching** and two gems. I quite like online dating.

Lots of love from WeeGee xxx

 

 

*The answer to that question is I go all sweet and endearing for a while but end up crying and going home in the fullness of time

**I’d love to do it from the other side and see what tribes us female Interweb dating folks fall into. Maybe Brandon Bored could fill me in?