Tag: Today

Posted in About today

It’s not unusual…

Posted on by WeeGee

Fear not – this post has absolutely nothing to do with Tom Jones – that kind of thing really isn’t my bag. That said I’ve gone and thought it now and so have you. Sorry about that.

Here’s a little piece of advice for you: no matter how much practical and logistical sense lining up all of your white coat appointments in one day seems to make – DON’T DO IT. It turns out that there’s only so much poking and prodding around a broken brain can take in one day before…. well, before it decides to break.

I got back today feeling exhausted, overwhelmed and completely indignant about why this is happening to me. How bloody very dare this happen over and over and over again. Not just that, how bloody very dare some idiot in a bow tie tell me that I’m not doing as well as I think I am because I’m probably deluded. ‘Delusional’. There’s a new one, eh?

Hands up! I’ve been doing well for a little while because I’ve been ignoring some stuff for a little while. You know the kind of stuff – stuff I did, stuff that happened, stuff that lives in my head. So what? Ignoring stuff is enough to get me through the day. Ignoring stuff is enough for a few little hopes to think about taking root. Ignoring stuff works.

I don’t think it’s unusual for people to ignore certain things – even the normal people probably do a spot of ignoring once in a while. I expect that’s WHAT MAKES THEM NORMAL. Apparently, ignoring things ‘doesn’t work in the long term’. It’s difficult for me to see that as much of a problem because my brain regularly takes me to places where making it through the next few minutes seems impossible. Most of the time the long term doesn’t get a look in.

I understand that repressing stuff isn’t a good idea – but what I’m trying to do at the moment is different. The thing is there isn’t an answer to the way I think and feel. Some things hurt – and facing it isn’t going to make it hurt any less. Ignoring it on the other hand, that works for me so what’s the big deal?

So anyway – that’s where I am today. I’m exhausted and overwhelmed and a little bit baffled to boot. Oh. And I’ve still got a headache and my black eye is very impressive indeed.

Meanwhile in other news Dexter Season 7 is shaping up nicely so far (please don’t tell anyone I used illicit means to watch it – what with my job and all) and I’ve got chocolate cheesecake coming out of my ears. Nothing else to report today save that I was rather amused by the headline in today’s sun: “Megan teacher dumped by wife”. No shit, eh?

Lots of love from WeeGee xx

Posted in Welcome to my world

What if I can’t stop?

Posted on by WeeGee

The first thing to do today is say: if you are at all vulnerable about food, weight, body image and other such things might be best if you skip over this one…..

I think there must be something in the air at the moment – because a couple of other bloggers have posted about similar things this week. Perhaps it’s National Former Eating Disorders Bite You On The Bum Week or something…..

I am recovering from an eating disorder. I say recovering rather than recovered because I don’t think disordered thinking about food ever truly goes away. It hangs around in the background and you have to work very hard to keep it there.

Nonsense thinking about food has been in the background of my brain for more than 10 years. During that time I’ve maintained my weight at an acceptable level with only one exception – when Mr Friendly and I split up. I lost an awful lot of weight at that point, dipped below ‘healthy’ and had a smallish battle to get back to where I needed to be. The point is, I did get back. The other point is that I have more or less maintained my weight for more than ten years. That other point is REALLY BIG NEWS by the way.

I still have a funny relationship with food. I eat because I have to. I rarely eat because I’m hungry and I hardly ever eat because I want to. The notion of ‘comfort eating’ makes no sense to me at all because I don’t ‘enjoy’ food. It’s just a necessity – like air.

My thoughts about weight are a little bit difficult too. I don’t know how much I weigh because I can’t know. If I knew it would bother me – I’d try to round the number down to something nice and even and then I’d get obsessed with it being even and I’d try to get it down as low as possible in an attempt to have the best chance at keeping it even…. If that doesn’t make any sense to you should count your lucky stars at this point.

Understanding of eating disorders has moved on a lot since I was poorly and I think most people know that eating disorders have absolutely nothing to do with being thin. What I don’t think many people realise is that eating disorders often have EVERYTHING to do with not being fat. It’s a subtle difference and one that still governs my life to a certain small extent.

I’m ashamed to say that I think unpleasant things about being fat. I have a morbid fear of being overweight and even if I could cure my fear I wouldn’t want to because it terrifies me too much to even think about it. This fear has nothing to do with vanity although it has a lot to do with outward projections and the space I occupy in the world.

Reading that back it must appear to you that I still have a very unhealthy relationship with food and weight. I know that it isn’t ideal but I do know that it is managed. I’m aware, I have insight and that means I can keep myself in check. It makes for a miserable existence at times, but the process of keeping a well body when you have a broken brain is actually like heaven on earth when you compare it to the horror that is an eating disorder in full flow. Forget the times when my brain wants to jump off a building, or eat three packets of painkillers, or write ‘POINTLESS’ on my arm with a razor blade. Those things are a walk in the park compared to what an eating disorder does to your brain, your body and your life.

I’m terrified of being fat, but going back to the dark days of the starvation diet terrifies me so very much more. It is genuinely my biggest fear in the world because I don’t think it’s the kind of thing you manage to beat twice in your life.

I suppose I should let you know why I’m telling you all of this (I’ve been putting it off). The thing is I’ve put a little bit of weight on recently. I know I have because I can see it, and because I can feel it. I know that I’m not anything approaching fat – in fact I look healthy at the moment. My backside has made a re-appearance and I can wear a WonderBra and look like I might have some kind of a bust going on. My skin is healthy, and there are two nice apple type things where my cheekbones used to live. My ribs are in retreat.

This is all great – it’s nice to look in the mirror and see a healthy human being looking back. But at the back of my mind there’s a scary, scary thought that won’t go away: what if I can’t stop.

It’s spinning round and round and round.

It’s screaming at me: WHAT IF I CAN’T STOP? It’s scary because I know exactly what the answer is.

The answer is JUST STOP. Just like that. Don’t just stop, make up for it – you don’t want to run the risk of being fat after all and the best way to avoid ever weighing too much is by weighing as little as possible. It’s like an insurance policy.

I know this is all ridiculous and disordered and not at all rational. But it doesn’t have to make sense for it to be scary. I am on guard at the moment. It seems I’m destined always to be on guard against something. If broken brain isn’t terrorising itself thinking about how pointless everything is it manages to find something else to keep me in a state of absolute terror.

Curse my broken brain.

Lots of love from WeeGee

Posted in Welcome to my world

The bottom of it

Posted on by WeeGee

I thought it was about time I did a little update. I haven’t posted for a while – not because I haven’t had anything to say, in fact, if anything I’ve had too much to say…..

The 19th September 2012 came and went. Nothing happened apart from a few bad memories and a touch of regret. In the main scheme of things I can live with a few bad memories and a little bit of regret. That kind of stuff is the least of my worries when it comes down to it.

I’ve spent the last few days peering down though time. I can’t help thinking that if I look for long enough I’ll manage to see the beginning of time and then I’ll get to the bottom of all this: How did I end up so broken and damaged? What happened to make me so vulnerable? Why can’t I just be normal?

I’m not feeling at all sorry for myself by the way. I just feel like I need to understand what this is all about because simply blaming it on a broken brain seems too easy. It’s akin to accepting that nothing will ever get better or change because ‘that’s just the way I am’. I feel like I’ve reached the point that I’m not prepared to accept that anymore. I don’t want to spend my whole life trying to ‘manage’ my brain. I just want to get on with ‘being’. I don’t mind if I’m happy or sad – I only want to be.

I’m in that up mood that comes along every so often – the kind of mood where everything seems possible – where I have a million ideas pinging about in my head and every single one of them feels like the best idea on earth. This mood is exactly why I feel like I have to understand everything and get better. BECAUSE I WANT TO HAVE A FUTURE with all of my fantastic ideas and all this energy in it.

I’ve been here before, so many times so I know it won’t last. Eventually I’ll run out of time and I’ll get defeated by it all again. But I want it to be different this time – I really do. So I’m going to carry on looking down through time, just in case I get to the bottom of it.

Lots of love from WeeGee xx

Posted in About today

Mardy bum

Posted on by WeeGee

 

I’m having a bit of a mardy* today. I was all set to be looking forward to it, in a funny kind of way, but then by brain took umbrage and delivered a migraine so now….. well so now I’m having a mardy. I’m having a mardy because I was supposed to be helping the lovely Depressed Moose out, but in the end I was too busy vomiting and seeing a kaleidoscope of colours to even leave the house.

It has taken me four attempts to get out of bed today, and although I feel a little better I still feel like I have a head stuffed full of cotton wool. In fairness, I ought to be grateful for having a brain stuffed full of anything – cotton wool is a marked improvement on the flat and empties after all – but all I really want is to have a normal brain free from mental attacks and stinking migraines and nonsense.

Sometimes you think ‘okay, I’ve done my time – now leave me the hell alone’ don’t you?

I know exactly what the matter with me is at the moment. I’m STRESSED OUT. I know I’m STRESSED OUT because I got a migraine and my psoriasis has GONE NUCLEAR. I also know I’m stressed out because it is the 13th September which is almost the 19th September which is the day that my life falls apart. It’s a tradition. If something bad is going to happen, that’s the date it will happen. You couldn’t make up the list of tragedies and disasters that have struck on the 19th September in WeeGee land. It’s almost enough to make you believe in fate or something……

Mrs Mountain is of the opinion that I store up bad news for the 19th September. That once upon a time it all went wrong on that day and now I attach too much significance to it, so I’m on the lookout for shitty things. Or that on that date mildly shitty things will feel majorly shitty just by association. I kinda want that to be true, but I also kinda don’t think it is.

Pfft. Roll on October is all I’ve got to say.

Lots of love from a very mardy WeeGee xx

 

*Just in case you aren’t from Nott’m, Derby or Sheffield here’s what mardy means

 

Posted in Welcome to my world

Hmmm, where to start?

Posted on by WeeGee

I don’t know where to start today so I thought I might as well start by telling you that I don’t know where to start to see if that gets me on my way……

Erm.

Right.

Okay.

I still don’t know where to start.

*sigh*

I’m a bit wobbly today. There you go. That’s a start.

I’m feeling jittery and panicked and I can’t catch hold of a single one of the three squillion thoughts that are flying around in my head. That’s the middle.

Language has left me and I can’t write a post today. That’s the end.

Still – I get a new start tomorrow right? That’s the beauty of it

Lots of love WeeGee  xxx

Posted in Welcome to my world

A bit of a disaster

Posted on by WeeGee

There have been a few small disasters in WeeGee land over the past few days. ‘A bit of a disaster’ isn’t an uncommon event round these parts: I put it down to the fact that I am one of those unfortunate people who lurches from one crisis to the next; my dad says it has more to do with the fact that I’m something of a drama queen. He’s probably got a point….

The recent spate of disasters swam round and round in my head all day yesterday and eventually they were joined by every single ‘bit of a disaster’ that had happened since the dawn of time. That’s quite a lot of disasters to have swimming around in your head. It isn’t very pleasant at all and to cut a long story short – it makes you go a bit mental.

It’s funny* how quickly you forget how hard it is to be mental. You get a week or so off and you forget what it feels like to have a load of nonsense floating around in your head all the time. Today I feel like everything has stopped, as if it’s all over somehow, as if someone hit the pause button but left the sound running in my head.

Here’s what I know:

1. This is just a feeling

2. Feelings don’t last forever

3. Another feeling will come along eventually

Here’s what I don’t know:

1. When another feeling will come along

Looking on the bright side I do at least know more than I don’t know**

Work was difficult today. I struggled to concentrate owing to the noise in my head and because most of my concentration was being ploughed into trying not to burst into tears at any given moment. I try not to cry at work because I’m a professional like that. I didn’t really feel like talking to anybody either which was just about okay unless the phone rang…

I’m home now and the plan for the evening is to make sure that I take good care of myself even though I don’t care about myself very much at all. I’ll be cooking a meal, taking a shower, emptying the bin and maybe watching some TV. That sounds like a fairly normal evening for a normal person but I’ve got a battle on my hands to get through it. I’m tired and empty and all I really want to do is curl up into a teeny tiny ball and sob for a bit. As they say in my homeland aufurfukssakes***

I suppose the headline today is that the mentals have made a small reappearance but that I’m normal enough to know I have to reach in and grab myself.

I’m afraid I don’t have a ‘meanwhile in other news’ for you today and I definitely have nothing further to add so here endeth the post.

Love from WeeGee xxx

*It isn’t funny at all, I just said that because I couldn’t think of another word

**Although if you don’t know something how do you know you don’t know it? I guess you have to kinda know something to know you don’t know it and that’s all I know about that

***Glaswegian accent required

Posted in About today

An attack of ‘the normals’

Posted on by WeeGee

I’m still not feeling particularly mental*, in fact I think what I might be experiencing an attack of ‘the normals’ Since I can’t write about being mental I thought I’d do one of those meandering ‘ what WeeGee thinks’ posts instead. I’m scared you will all forget about me if I don’t blog; if you all forgot about me I would almost certainly have one of my mental turns…..

The first thing I have to do today is give a mahoosive thank you type shout out to our very own Depressed Moose. If you want to know what I have to thank him for visit this post and listen to the lovely music. I thought Nik Kershaw was pretty cool when I was a wee thing – he stole my heart and I think he still has a little bit of it to this day. My small(ish) obsession with Mr Kershaw is well known amongst my friends and family and one year I received not one, not two, but THREE copies of his greatest hits album as Christmas gifts. And I kept all three.

I was late for work today. Me being late isn’t really news because I am not what you describe as a punctual person** but being late for work when you don’t actually start until TWO IN THE AFTERNOON and only live TEN MINUTES AWAY is a tad embarrassing. I was late because I left myself too much time to get ready so had time to engage in a spot of clothes related faffing. I wanted to wear a very particular black dress. I could find at least three squillion other (largely the same) black dresses but none of them would do. In the end I gave up and decided to wear a navy blue one instead and there then commenced a period of shoe related faffing***

My emails were a bit of a giggle today. First there was the one asking me to send a copy of something to A**** Hobbs and B**** Nobbs…. Oh how I laughed. Then there was this one which had an intriguing title:

Hello! Are you female?

Hello, Are You A Female, are you still single and searching, My name is BLANK male, and I am now 40 years..separated three years ago, have 2 kids from previous marriage, I am a Christian. To me age doesn’t count. I am only looking for a true love and life partner anywhere in the world… I am an African. What I love most is the word TRUTH.I speak English and my local language. I do car hire service work in a small Hotel in the city of lagos. I am Ready and willing to relocate any time and to be utilised with my love. This is only a sincere relationship request from me. Thank you.

Ready to relocate to be utilised with his love? Takes all sorts I guess.

Sadly there were no typos today. Did I mention how much I enjoy a good typo? I enjoy them so much I collect them. Here are a few of my favourites:

Blank is unable to attend due to a curse

Dear Sir/Madman****

I look forward to meeting you tomato

And now for my absolute favourite of all which I must confess was my own:

Dear Angus.

That one isn’t funny unless you know I missed out the ‘G’. And I sent it before I realised. Mortified didn’t come close to covering it…..

Meanwhile in other news I have just realised that I left my phone at work ON THE ONLY WEEKEND OF THE ENTIRE YEAR that I can’t get in to retrieve it. Oh bums and stuff. Nothing else to report today save that I am off to listen to Nik Kershaw for a bit

Lots and lots of love, WeeGee (I won’t let the sun go down on me)*****

PS – Please feel free to send me your amusing typos to add to my collection.

*I know! This must be some kind of record or something

**I inherited this particular trait from my mother who is also always late for everything. I have very vivid memories of being marched to school at break neck speed whilst trying to follow the completely baffling instruction “Take your time and hurry up”

***I’m sorry – I know that was a boring story I blame it on the current attack of ‘the normals’

****When I received this I thought….. ‘fair enough’

***** That’s a bit of an ‘in’ joke. It’s not very funny but I couldn’t help it.

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

Okay while it lasts

Posted on by WeeGee

I feel that I should blog. So here I am – blogging. It’s hard to blog about being mental when you’re not feeling especially mental…..

Whenever I start feeling okay I think “this is it; I’m finally okay” but I have to try to remember that it doesn’t really work like that.

Okay lasts as long as okay wants to and then it replaces itself with not okay again. Which is fine so long as I’m ready for not okay when it comes around. Trouble is it’s almost impossible to truly ready yourself for not okay when things are okay. If you see what I mean?

There are a few things coming up that I need to prepare myself for – anniversaries and such like. It’s daft because the only anniversaries that mean anything to me are the bad ones: it’s x amount of time since such and such a terrible thing happened. Why does that have to matter more than the fact that it’s x amount of time since something good happened? Broken brain is the answer I suppose.

Anyhoo. I’m not feeling particularly mental at the moment, but I’ve got this horrible feeling that the mentals are coming.

Why won’t they just leave me alone?

Lots of love from WeeGee

Posted in About today

Take it easy chicken

Posted on by WeeGee

If you are of a certain age and musical persuasion you will probably remember these guys:

http://youtu.be/jSu4–hsXes

I’m not going to lie, Mansun were a bit shit really but they also supported everybody at some point or another so if you went to a single gig between 1994 and 2000 you probably saw them live.

By the way, the only reason for including that song is that I like the title. It’s also the only reason I called my post what I did. I know that doesn’t make a lot of sense but it doesn’t have to because I’M A LUNATIC.

You will no doubt be delighted to learn that I am not grumpy anymore and that I managed to spend an entire day being grumpy without poking any idiots in the eye. Here in WeeGee land such things go down as achievements.

I have spent my time today banging my head off a brick wall. Not literally, you understand, although I have to say that if I had spent the day literally banging my head off a brick wall I would at least have had something to show for it. Like a few bruises, or a small concussion.

It all started when my mobile phone decided that it wasn’t going to operate as a phone anymore. I can read my emails, listen to music, take photographs and play angry birds with my ‘phone’ but I can’t actually phone anybody up. NOT EXACTLY SMART, eh?*

Then I had to go to work and spend four hours engaging in colleague related head banging. It never ceases to amaze me that so many of the real life grown up people I work with manage to get paid for behaving like children ONE HUNDRED PERCENT OF THE TIME.

Finally my little laptop is misbehaving and it took me 15 WHOLE MINUTES to connect to the Internet. It was like being transported back to the ancient history of 1997 and dial up connections.

So now you are fully up to date on my adventures in headbanging** It’s amazing that I am not grumpy when I come to think about it…..

Meanwhile in other news I am pleased to report that I am still ‘okay’ which is okay. Nothing else to report today save that I spotted a frog on the way to work this afternoon – it didn’t respond when I said hello so I didn’t bother kissing it.

Take it easy my lovely little chickens

Lots of love from WeeGee xx

 

 

*I know how old that makes me sound. All I can do is apologise and say I’m not as old as that makes me sound

**I consider renaming myself WeeGee McHeadbanger, but WordPress is only big enough for one headbanger.

Posted in About today

Idiots beware

Posted on by WeeGee

I’m in a bad mood today. There’s nothing the matter with me – I think I must have got out the wrong side of the bed or something.

Just to be clear I’m not feeling especially mental, in fact what I appear to be experiencing is a plain old fashion bad mood. I’d be perfectly content if a) the world would shut its mouth, b) idiots would stay out of my way and c) I was left alone to sit in peace and quiet getting on with what I’m getting on with (without the world and idiots and stuff getting in the way).

Being in a bad mood when you’re mental leads to all kinds of interesting challenges. First up you have to decide whether you are in a mental bad mood (you think it would be a good idea to jump yourself off a tall building) or in a normal bad mood (you think it would be a good idea to push an idiot off a tall building). I’m definitely in the latter category of bad mood today.

The next challenge is to convince your nearest and dearest that you are not in a mental bad mood. This is a difficult one to achieve because when you are mental there is a tendency for people to assume that everything you do and feel is caused by your mentalness and to ask if you are mental. My ploy today has been to say ‘I’m not mental but if one more person asks me if I’m mental I will probably end up GOING TOTALLY MENTAL’

Finally you have to work very hard to make sure you don’t end up pushing any idiots off a tall building. This is the most difficult one of all to achieve – when you’re in a bad mood the idiots seem to multiply and then insist on speaking to you. I did wonder if I could at least poke one in the eye and plead diminished responsibility on account of my bad mood and my history of mentalness. It was a close call, but I thought better of it in the end.

So yeah, the long and the short of today is that WeeGee is in a bad mood.

But that’s okay.

Lots of love from a grumpy WeeGee xxx