Category: About today

Posted in About today

Delirium

Posted on by WeeGee

If I was to say that I am TOTALLY exhausted it would be something of an MASSIVE understatement. The last time I looked at the clock last night was just after 4am. The first time I looked at the clock this morning was 6.20am and I’ve been awake ever since. I’m slightly delirious but I don’t think I could sleep right now if I tried….

I hate insomnia. I sometimes think that is my life’s ambition to go to sleep when I’m tired, stay asleep and then wake up when I’m not tired any more – just once or twice you know, to see how it feels? Not much of an ambition, eh?

If it weren’t for the insomnia things would be rumbling along reasonably well all things considered. It’s ‘D Day’ tomorrow but I’m trying not to think about that too much. In fact I’ve got a long list of distractions and plans to get me through it. As far as I’m concerned there are going to be no tragedies or disasters on the 19th September this year – world: take note. I’ve also decided that I’m not going to let my brain drive me round the bend thinking about all the tragedies and disasters of the past – brain: take note.

I’m racking my brain for something to tell you about. I don’t know if it’s the delirium, or the fact that things are just about fine but I got nothing. By rights I should do a ‘thirty days’ post but I’m TOTALLY exhausted so that really wouldn’t work.

Okay – so that’s about it from me. I’m exhausted, delirious and dreading tomorrow. But things are just about fine.

Over and out.

Love from a very sleepy but not able to sleep WeeGee xxx

Posted in About today

Mardy bum

Posted on by WeeGee

 

I’m having a bit of a mardy* today. I was all set to be looking forward to it, in a funny kind of way, but then by brain took umbrage and delivered a migraine so now….. well so now I’m having a mardy. I’m having a mardy because I was supposed to be helping the lovely Depressed Moose out, but in the end I was too busy vomiting and seeing a kaleidoscope of colours to even leave the house.

It has taken me four attempts to get out of bed today, and although I feel a little better I still feel like I have a head stuffed full of cotton wool. In fairness, I ought to be grateful for having a brain stuffed full of anything – cotton wool is a marked improvement on the flat and empties after all – but all I really want is to have a normal brain free from mental attacks and stinking migraines and nonsense.

Sometimes you think ‘okay, I’ve done my time – now leave me the hell alone’ don’t you?

I know exactly what the matter with me is at the moment. I’m STRESSED OUT. I know I’m STRESSED OUT because I got a migraine and my psoriasis has GONE NUCLEAR. I also know I’m stressed out because it is the 13th September which is almost the 19th September which is the day that my life falls apart. It’s a tradition. If something bad is going to happen, that’s the date it will happen. You couldn’t make up the list of tragedies and disasters that have struck on the 19th September in WeeGee land. It’s almost enough to make you believe in fate or something……

Mrs Mountain is of the opinion that I store up bad news for the 19th September. That once upon a time it all went wrong on that day and now I attach too much significance to it, so I’m on the lookout for shitty things. Or that on that date mildly shitty things will feel majorly shitty just by association. I kinda want that to be true, but I also kinda don’t think it is.

Pfft. Roll on October is all I’ve got to say.

Lots of love from a very mardy WeeGee xx

 

*Just in case you aren’t from Nott’m, Derby or Sheffield here’s what mardy means

 

Posted in About today

An attack of ‘the normals’

Posted on by WeeGee

I’m still not feeling particularly mental*, in fact I think what I might be experiencing an attack of ‘the normals’ Since I can’t write about being mental I thought I’d do one of those meandering ‘ what WeeGee thinks’ posts instead. I’m scared you will all forget about me if I don’t blog; if you all forgot about me I would almost certainly have one of my mental turns…..

The first thing I have to do today is give a mahoosive thank you type shout out to our very own Depressed Moose. If you want to know what I have to thank him for visit this post and listen to the lovely music. I thought Nik Kershaw was pretty cool when I was a wee thing – he stole my heart and I think he still has a little bit of it to this day. My small(ish) obsession with Mr Kershaw is well known amongst my friends and family and one year I received not one, not two, but THREE copies of his greatest hits album as Christmas gifts. And I kept all three.

I was late for work today. Me being late isn’t really news because I am not what you describe as a punctual person** but being late for work when you don’t actually start until TWO IN THE AFTERNOON and only live TEN MINUTES AWAY is a tad embarrassing. I was late because I left myself too much time to get ready so had time to engage in a spot of clothes related faffing. I wanted to wear a very particular black dress. I could find at least three squillion other (largely the same) black dresses but none of them would do. In the end I gave up and decided to wear a navy blue one instead and there then commenced a period of shoe related faffing***

My emails were a bit of a giggle today. First there was the one asking me to send a copy of something to A**** Hobbs and B**** Nobbs…. Oh how I laughed. Then there was this one which had an intriguing title:

Hello! Are you female?

Hello, Are You A Female, are you still single and searching, My name is BLANK male, and I am now 40 years..separated three years ago, have 2 kids from previous marriage, I am a Christian. To me age doesn’t count. I am only looking for a true love and life partner anywhere in the world… I am an African. What I love most is the word TRUTH.I speak English and my local language. I do car hire service work in a small Hotel in the city of lagos. I am Ready and willing to relocate any time and to be utilised with my love. This is only a sincere relationship request from me. Thank you.

Ready to relocate to be utilised with his love? Takes all sorts I guess.

Sadly there were no typos today. Did I mention how much I enjoy a good typo? I enjoy them so much I collect them. Here are a few of my favourites:

Blank is unable to attend due to a curse

Dear Sir/Madman****

I look forward to meeting you tomato

And now for my absolute favourite of all which I must confess was my own:

Dear Angus.

That one isn’t funny unless you know I missed out the ‘G’. And I sent it before I realised. Mortified didn’t come close to covering it…..

Meanwhile in other news I have just realised that I left my phone at work ON THE ONLY WEEKEND OF THE ENTIRE YEAR that I can’t get in to retrieve it. Oh bums and stuff. Nothing else to report today save that I am off to listen to Nik Kershaw for a bit

Lots and lots of love, WeeGee (I won’t let the sun go down on me)*****

PS – Please feel free to send me your amusing typos to add to my collection.

*I know! This must be some kind of record or something

**I inherited this particular trait from my mother who is also always late for everything. I have very vivid memories of being marched to school at break neck speed whilst trying to follow the completely baffling instruction “Take your time and hurry up”

***I’m sorry – I know that was a boring story I blame it on the current attack of ‘the normals’

****When I received this I thought….. ‘fair enough’

***** That’s a bit of an ‘in’ joke. It’s not very funny but I couldn’t help it.

Posted in About today

Take it easy chicken

Posted on by WeeGee

If you are of a certain age and musical persuasion you will probably remember these guys:

I’m not going to lie, Mansun were a bit shit really but they also supported everybody at some point or another so if you went to a single gig between 1994 and 2000 you probably saw them live.

By the way, the only reason for including that song is that I like the title. It’s also the only reason I called my post what I did. I know that doesn’t make a lot of sense but it doesn’t have to because I’M A LUNATIC.

You will no doubt be delighted to learn that I am not grumpy anymore and that I managed to spend an entire day being grumpy without poking any idiots in the eye. Here in WeeGee land such things go down as achievements.

I have spent my time today banging my head off a brick wall. Not literally, you understand, although I have to say that if I had spent the day literally banging my head off a brick wall I would at least have had something to show for it. Like a few bruises, or a small concussion.

It all started when my mobile phone decided that it wasn’t going to operate as a phone anymore. I can read my emails, listen to music, take photographs and play angry birds with my ‘phone’ but I can’t actually phone anybody up. NOT EXACTLY SMART, eh?*

Then I had to go to work and spend four hours engaging in colleague related head banging. It never ceases to amaze me that so many of the real life grown up people I work with manage to get paid for behaving like children ONE HUNDRED PERCENT OF THE TIME.

Finally my little laptop is misbehaving and it took me 15 WHOLE MINUTES to connect to the Internet. It was like being transported back to the ancient history of 1997 and dial up connections.

So now you are fully up to date on my adventures in headbanging** It’s amazing that I am not grumpy when I come to think about it…..

Meanwhile in other news I am pleased to report that I am still ‘okay’ which is okay. Nothing else to report today save that I spotted a frog on the way to work this afternoon – it didn’t respond when I said hello so I didn’t bother kissing it.

Take it easy my lovely little chickens

Lots of love from WeeGee xx

 

 

*I know how old that makes me sound. All I can do is apologise and say I’m not as old as that makes me sound

**I consider renaming myself WeeGee McHeadbanger, but WordPress is only big enough for one headbanger.

Posted in About today

Idiots beware

Posted on by WeeGee

I’m in a bad mood today. There’s nothing the matter with me – I think I must have got out the wrong side of the bed or something.

Just to be clear I’m not feeling especially mental, in fact what I appear to be experiencing is a plain old fashion bad mood. I’d be perfectly content if a) the world would shut its mouth, b) idiots would stay out of my way and c) I was left alone to sit in peace and quiet getting on with what I’m getting on with (without the world and idiots and stuff getting in the way).

Being in a bad mood when you’re mental leads to all kinds of interesting challenges. First up you have to decide whether you are in a mental bad mood (you think it would be a good idea to jump yourself off a tall building) or in a normal bad mood (you think it would be a good idea to push an idiot off a tall building). I’m definitely in the latter category of bad mood today.

The next challenge is to convince your nearest and dearest that you are not in a mental bad mood. This is a difficult one to achieve because when you are mental there is a tendency for people to assume that everything you do and feel is caused by your mentalness and to ask if you are mental. My ploy today has been to say ‘I’m not mental but if one more person asks me if I’m mental I will probably end up GOING TOTALLY MENTAL’

Finally you have to work very hard to make sure you don’t end up pushing any idiots off a tall building. This is the most difficult one of all to achieve – when you’re in a bad mood the idiots seem to multiply and then insist on speaking to you. I did wonder if I could at least poke one in the eye and plead diminished responsibility on account of my bad mood and my history of mentalness. It was a close call, but I thought better of it in the end.

So yeah, the long and the short of today is that WeeGee is in a bad mood.

But that’s okay.

Lots of love from a grumpy WeeGee xxx

Posted in About today

Ancient history

Posted on by WeeGee

I hate the past. Why can’t we just leave it behind? Why does what happened before have to matter to now? I loved history at school but I suppose that was because I was too young to have a history of my own then. I didn’t understand what the past was going to mean to me in the future.

Time again, eh? It makes your head explode.

This time two years ago I was happy. Truly – I was happy. Sure I had a broken brain but I was in charge – I was managing it and life was good. Then, one day it all changed. It really was as quick as that. One day I had one life and the next day I had another life. I never wanted the other life. I wasn’t built for it. You see this life that I have? I’m not supposed to be in it.

Let’s get rid of all that broken brain stuff. Broken brain is a big problem but, in the main scheme of things it’s the least of the things I have to worry about. The truth of it is, the biggest thing, and the rawest thing, and the thing that hurts the most is the fact that I am lonely.

I’m lonely because I’m alone. That stands to reason. I had a birthday the other day and do you know how many people I spoke to on my birthday? One. That’s one fellow human being – not just on any day, but on my birthday. By the way – I have two parents and one sibling. You can do the maths there, can’t you? I’m not a bad person. I’m not a horrible person. I’m just a frightened person. Or does being frightened make you bad and horrible? Is it another one of those rules that I don’t quite understand.

Where is everybody? Where are those people that I care so much for that it HURTS? Why do I care so much that it HURTS for people who aren’t even attached enough to drop me a line on my birthday? Why does any of this matter to me? If you tell people you don’t care about your birthday you shouldn’t be surprised that they don’t care either, should you?

What’s the matter with me?

I’m also lonely because my head seems to be different. It’s not that I think I’m special or unique – it’s just that my brain doesn’t seem to work like other peoples. Sometimes I say things and people look at me like I’m a freak or an alien or something. How do I always manage to get it so wrong? How did I end up being not real or proper? Am I really an alien from planet odd? Why can’t I be like everybody else?

Sometimes I’m not sure if I’m mental or just a bit of a weido… Either way, I don’t like it. I don’t like it at all.

Am I feeling sorry for myself? You betcha! Do I have good reason? Who knows?

Love from WeeGee – all mixed up and lonely and overwhelmed xxx

Posted in About today

A post in want of a proper title

Posted on by WeeGee

Not only is this post in want of a proper title, it is also slightly unusual. Ordinarily, before I write a post, I spend some time thinking about what I want to write about, come up with a clever and witty title* as well as a loose structure. There are usually a couple of drafts.

I haven’t done any of that today. In fact I’m just going to dive right in** and get started stream of consciousness style. This could be interesting given the state of my consciousness.

There’s a lot on my mind today.

Here’s a list of what’s on my mind:

1. Rollercoasters

A lot of people describe the experience of living with mental health conditions as akin to being on a rollercoaster. It’s not a phrase I’ve ever used myself but it occurred to me today that that’s exactly what it’s like. It’s all up/down, backwards/forwards, upside down/inside out and from side to side. There’s also that bit when you’re peering over the edge filled full of fear and panic thinking you’re going to die. So, yeah – living in my brain is exactly like living on a rollercoaster.

Incidentally, I don’t like real life Rollercoasters at all. Why spend your hard earned cash to get filled full of fear and panic when you are capable of achieving the exact same results without having to leave the comfort of your own home. My take is that if you really want to experience terror you’d do well to keep your money and take up being mental instead. That’s A Joke by the way.

2. The flat and empties

The flat and empties are upon me today. I find the flat and empties frustrating because I find it difficult to understand why I no longer care about the things that as recently as yesterday I cared about. Why can’t I care about anything today? I usually ‘care too much for my own good’ so maybe the flat and empties are just my brain’s way of levelling things out. It’s a theory….

The real difficulty with the flat and empties is the fact that you have to do battle with yourself to get ANYTHING done. Doing battle isn’t exactly straightforward when you don’t care about anything. You just want to admit defeat and go back to doing nothing and not caring.

3. Birthdays

I’ll be having a birthday on Saturday and everyone else*** seems to be more interested in this fact than me. It’s not so much that I don’t like birthdays, it’s just that (you guessed it) I don’t really see the point. It’s a day. I’m a year older – although to be fair, the getting older bit doesn’t actually happen overnight. That’s it – a day and I’m older. So what? My brain will still be broken and I’ll still want to hide from the world. The only difference about my birthday is that I have to pretend to be happy so as not to offend anyone. Usually it’s up to me whether I pretend to be happy or not.

It’s nice that people want to be nice to me, of course it is. But the main thing is…. Bah humbug.

4. Time

I suppose you can’t avoid the fact that time has passed when you have a birthday. If I really wanted to be bleak about it I could point out that a birthday is just a miserable pointer that more time has disappeared without you getting to where you want to be. Woe is me!

When I was 29 I wrote a trite and pretentious poem called ‘Ode to my twenties’. I didn’t keep it, but the central premise what that my twenties had been rubbish but my thirties wouldn’t be. I was wrong about that. At least so far – I suppose I’ve got seven more years until I can say, categorically, that I was wrong.

Here’s the other thing about time. It passes. That’s all time does – it just happens. Time doesn’t heal or make anything any better. Time isn’t precious. It passes and it keeps on coming – you get rid of it. That is all.

5. The stupid things people say

I went to Kingston today and got stopped by a chugger. Chuggers always stop me – it’s a bit like that thing that babies and cats do with people who don’t really like them: radiate towards them and make them feel uncomfortable. I don’t like talking to stangers and chuggers seem to make a beeline for me. Why?

Anyway – I’m too polite (or frightened) to ignore people if they speak to me so I got the banter about Cancer Research, or whatever it was, and then I employed ‘The Phrase’. I used to get all tongue tied trying to explain that I already did payroll giving and had set up direct debits to charities of my choice but I hated it because I always thought that they thought I was lying. When I mentioned this to Mr Wise he told me what to say and it works every time. You have to look them in the eye, smile and then say:

“I’m really sorry but I can’t help you with that today”

This particular chugger said – ‘okay not to worry. Would you like to hear a fact before you go?’ And I thought oh bums – it didn’t work he’s going to have a killer fact that will give me the guilts and force me to hand over my bank account details in shame….. This is what he said:

“You know the word ‘news’?”

“Yes”, I said because that particular word does indeed form part of my vocabulary.

“Well, it’s actually made up from the first letters of the words North, East, West and South”

I thought this was HIGHLY unlikely, and sounded a bit stupid.

At this point I could have said “how interesting thank you for the fact” and made my escape but it seemed HIGHLY unlikely and sounded a bit stupid (which bothered me) so I said “Really (dubious voice) how do you know that?”

This is what he said:

“Somebody told me”

Jesus Christ. What is the matter with people? If I’d been quick enough off the mark I’d have thought of an even more ridiculous fact to tell him. But I wasn’t so I walked away feeling bothered.

Of course I looked it up when I got home. His fact? Yeah, well isn’t a fact. It’s (SWEARING WARNING FOR ROXY) bullshit.

6. The merits and demerits of pink jeans.

I went to Kingston in order to buy a pink top to go with some trousers I have. I didn’t buy a pink top but I did buy some pink jeans. I’m still not sure how I feel about that….

Here ends the post in want of a proper title.

Lots of love, WeeGee xx

*IMHO

**It must be all the Olympic diving I’ve been watching

***Not quite ‘everyone’ but a lot of people who know me

Posted in About today

WeeGee goes to a party

Posted on by WeeGee

So. I went to a party. Here’s what happens when WeeGee goes to a party.

1. When she realises that she can’t remember the last time she went to a party she will enter a state of sheer panic. What does one wear to a party? Should I take a gift? Why am I going to a party – I hate parties? What if I cry? What if I make a fool of myself?

2. Taking into account the aforementioned panics plus at least a trillion others WeeGee will decide she is definitely not going to go to a party.

3. However, when she receives a text from the person who is hosting the party saying ‘no worries if you can’t make it tonight. Have a nice evening’ she will decide to go to the party after all because she’s sick of proving everyone, including herself, right.

4. Whilst on the way to the party WeeGee remembers the ‘gift panic’ and makes a detour via waitrose where she spends a stupid amount of time trying to decide whether to take wine, flowers or chocolate.

5. When WeeGee decides she can’t decide whether to take wine, flowers or chocolate she will decide to take all three in order to overcome the problem.

6. However, when she gets into the queue to pay she decides taking all three is ridiculous and has to surreptitiously  dump the flowers and chocolate before reaching the till.

7. Upon arriving at the party WeeGee feels like an idiot and has to try very hard not to cry, or puke, or both.

8. When WeeGee realises she spent so long faffing about in Waitrose that she missed SIR FRANK TURNER PLAYING AT THE OPENING CEREMONY WARM-UP she feels like an idiot and has to try very hard not to cry, or puke, or both*.

9. (And this is the big one) WeeGee doesn’t cry, puke, or spontaneously combust, in fact she doesn’t even have a terrible time at the party.

10. WeeGee wonders why she doesn’t go to parties more often.

Lots of love WeeGee, party animal!

*Everytime I remember that I missed SIR FRANK TURNER PLAYING AT THE OPENING CEREMONY WARM-UP I still feel like an idiot and have to try very hard not to cry, or puke, or both.

Posted in About today

Expectancy, excitement, crying, a mad rush, more crying, even more crying and a dilemma (with the potential for more crying): A day in the life of WeeGee

Posted on by WeeGee

What can I tell you?

I woke up with this strange feeling of expectancy and the feeling has stayed with me all day. I can’t explain in better than that I just feel like something is going to happen – I don’t know if it’s a good something or a bad something, and to be honest, I don’t think I mind much. Something is better than nothing, right?  Of course, I don’t claim to have any kind of psychic powers, in fact, I’m not at all convinced that such a thing exists so who knows where this feeling of expectancy is coming from. Mr Hilarious suggested that it’s probably indigestion* and I can’t argue with him since I’ve never actually (to my knowledge) had indigestion to know what it feels like…..

Anyway, Kingston was buzzing with Olympic excitement again this morning as the torch made its way down the river from Hampton Court and under the Kingston Bridge. I headed down to the river like the dutiful citizen that I am and I have to admit it was a little bit exciting. The thing you have to bear in mind here is that I am possibly the most cynical person in the world when it comes to things like that, so me saying it was a ‘little bit exciting’ means you can probably multiply up by a factor of at least a million to get the idea. Everyone was all happy and smiling and friendly and it felt like being on holiday in the friendliest place ever. I liked it. A lot.

Whilst I was down at the river I bumped into some of the gang from work so I didn’t end up watching a big boat with a big flame floating along the river all by myself which was a bonus. In the end, all things considered, I think a good time was had by all – even if the Riverside cafe had run out of bacon by the time we got to the front of the queue meaning that we had to content ourselves with pastries which were nice, but not quite as nice as bacon butties would have been.

When the boat actually went passed I got a bit caught up in the moment and the cheering and the friendly holiday atmosphere and found myself…. wait for it…. crying! I don’t know why, it just happened that way. I have to confess that I felt like a proper chump when Mr Hilarious noticed and pointed it out to everyone**. What can you say – I’m a sucker for a big boat with a big flame – get’s me every time?!

Work was a mad rush not to leave any major catastrophes for someone else to deal with because as of tonight I am on leave for two whole weeks. Woop woop! The timing is lousy given some of the things I’m working on at the moment, but it was a case of use it or lose it and I decided that I really didn’t want to lose it because that equated to working for free. I love my job but you do have to draw the line somewhere.  I got everything done and I don’t think there are any ticking bombs with my initials on anywhere, but if there are, and they go off I won’t be around and I almost don’t care!

Aside from being a mad rush it was also a sad day at work because one of my fellow ‘seniors’ in the Finance, Planning, Resources and Compliance Team*** left today. It’s always sad when someone moves on but it was especially poignant for me today as this person started on the same day as me so we’ve always kind of stuck together. The thing is, we work well together but we’re not especially close so I wasn’t expecting be so sad to see her go that I was moved to tears during the leaving presentation and I certainly didn’t expect for us both to blub like babies as we hugged goodbye. It’s funny how things catch you off guard sometimes isn’t it? Anyway, the main point is that I don’t cry at work, because I’m a professional like that. Today was a great big major exception and I don’t plan on a repeat performance anytime soon even if I do still feel a bit sad about it now. Boo hoo.

As I write I am trying to figure out the following dilemma: is WeeGee going to go to a party?  I don’t like going to parties which means I never go to parties. Not going to parties because you don’t like them is all well and good, but never going to parties is totally rubbish. I can manage one small party where I know almost everyone can’t I? But I’m a bit emotional today so what if I have a little drink and turn into the crying girl at the party. No-one likes a crying girl at a party, especially if the crying girl is a) WeeGee and b) mental….. I said I would go. I don’t want to let people down. I want to go. I don’t want to go. Oh F……. iddlesticks.

Before I sign off I should let you know that the brain is still broken, but the brain and I had some words and it seems to be giving me a little bit of peace for now.

That is all.
Love from WeeGee who is going to a party. Who isn’t going to a party. Who might be going to a party xx

*Because he’s hilarious like that

**Because he’s also hilarious like that

***That’s FPRC if you are in the know

Posted in About today

Nasty little brain

Posted on by WeeGee

Does anybody happen to know where I can find the ‘broken brain complaints department’? I think I’ve had more than my fair share of broken brain now and I’ve decided it’s about time I started kicking up a stink about it. I tried complaining to God, but it seems that broken brains are outside his/her/its jurisdiction. I guess that’s bureaucracy for you.

My broken brain has been giving me a pretty hard time of late. First of all it went all flat and empty and then it decided it COULDN’T COPE with being flat and empty for ANOTHER SECOND and tried to explode. Then it didn’t care about anything anymore and went into hiding before deciding it was going to do everything in it’s power to murder me. As if all that wasn’t bad enough when my nasty little brain discovered that I wasn’t going to let it kill me (because I’m quite strong for a wee thing) it filled itself up with spite and hatred with a little rage thrown in for good measure. Jolly good show broken brain.

Anyway, I’m far too full of spite, hatred and rage to do much today (including write a proper post) so I’m going to ignore myself for a little while. It’s Breaking Bad* box sets for WeeGee until my brain starts behaving itself or until I’ve watched the  lot (whichever comes first).

Love from and angry little WeeGee xx

 

*Of course, after five episodes I’ve already developed a strong emotional attachment to Jesse because he’s a) beautiful and b) a bit vulnerable