Not only is this post in want of a proper title, it is also slightly unusual. Ordinarily, before I write a post, I spend some time thinking about what I want to write about, come up with a clever and witty title* as well as a loose structure. There are usually a couple of drafts.
I haven’t done any of that today. In fact I’m just going to dive right in** and get started stream of consciousness style. This could be interesting given the state of my consciousness.
There’s a lot on my mind today.
Here’s a list of what’s on my mind:
A lot of people describe the experience of living with mental health conditions as akin to being on a rollercoaster. It’s not a phrase I’ve ever used myself but it occurred to me today that that’s exactly what it’s like. It’s all up/down, backwards/forwards, upside down/inside out and from side to side. There’s also that bit when you’re peering over the edge filled full of fear and panic thinking you’re going to die. So, yeah – living in my brain is exactly like living on a rollercoaster.
Incidentally, I don’t like real life Rollercoasters at all. Why spend your hard earned cash to get filled full of fear and panic when you are capable of achieving the exact same results without having to leave the comfort of your own home. My take is that if you really want to experience terror you’d do well to keep your money and take up being mental instead. That’s A Joke by the way.
2. The flat and empties
The flat and empties are upon me today. I find the flat and empties frustrating because I find it difficult to understand why I no longer care about the things that as recently as yesterday I cared about. Why can’t I care about anything today? I usually ‘care too much for my own good’ so maybe the flat and empties are just my brain’s way of levelling things out. It’s a theory….
The real difficulty with the flat and empties is the fact that you have to do battle with yourself to get ANYTHING done. Doing battle isn’t exactly straightforward when you don’t care about anything. You just want to admit defeat and go back to doing nothing and not caring.
I’ll be having a birthday on Saturday and everyone else*** seems to be more interested in this fact than me. It’s not so much that I don’t like birthdays, it’s just that (you guessed it) I don’t really see the point. It’s a day. I’m a year older – although to be fair, the getting older bit doesn’t actually happen overnight. That’s it – a day and I’m older. So what? My brain will still be broken and I’ll still want to hide from the world. The only difference about my birthday is that I have to pretend to be happy so as not to offend anyone. Usually it’s up to me whether I pretend to be happy or not.
It’s nice that people want to be nice to me, of course it is. But the main thing is…. Bah humbug.
I suppose you can’t avoid the fact that time has passed when you have a birthday. If I really wanted to be bleak about it I could point out that a birthday is just a miserable pointer that more time has disappeared without you getting to where you want to be. Woe is me!
When I was 29 I wrote a trite and pretentious poem called ‘Ode to my twenties’. I didn’t keep it, but the central premise what that my twenties had been rubbish but my thirties wouldn’t be. I was wrong about that. At least so far – I suppose I’ve got seven more years until I can say, categorically, that I was wrong.
Here’s the other thing about time. It passes. That’s all time does – it just happens. Time doesn’t heal or make anything any better. Time isn’t precious. It passes and it keeps on coming – you get rid of it. That is all.
5. The stupid things people say
I went to Kingston today and got stopped by a chugger. Chuggers always stop me – it’s a bit like that thing that babies and cats do with people who don’t really like them: radiate towards them and make them feel uncomfortable. I don’t like talking to stangers and chuggers seem to make a beeline for me. Why?
Anyway – I’m too polite (or frightened) to ignore people if they speak to me so I got the banter about Cancer Research, or whatever it was, and then I employed ‘The Phrase’. I used to get all tongue tied trying to explain that I already did payroll giving and had set up direct debits to charities of my choice but I hated it because I always thought that they thought I was lying. When I mentioned this to Mr Wise he told me what to say and it works every time. You have to look them in the eye, smile and then say:
“I’m really sorry but I can’t help you with that today”
This particular chugger said – ‘okay not to worry. Would you like to hear a fact before you go?’ And I thought oh bums – it didn’t work he’s going to have a killer fact that will give me the guilts and force me to hand over my bank account details in shame….. This is what he said:
“You know the word ‘news’?”
“Yes”, I said because that particular word does indeed form part of my vocabulary.
“Well, it’s actually made up from the first letters of the words North, East, West and South”
I thought this was HIGHLY unlikely, and sounded a bit stupid.
At this point I could have said “how interesting thank you for the fact” and made my escape but it seemed HIGHLY unlikely and sounded a bit stupid (which bothered me) so I said “Really (dubious voice) how do you know that?”
This is what he said:
“Somebody told me”
Jesus Christ. What is the matter with people? If I’d been quick enough off the mark I’d have thought of an even more ridiculous fact to tell him. But I wasn’t so I walked away feeling bothered.
Of course I looked it up when I got home. His fact? Yeah, well isn’t a fact. It’s (SWEARING WARNING FOR ROXY) bullshit.
6. The merits and demerits of pink jeans.
I went to Kingston in order to buy a pink top to go with some trousers I have. I didn’t buy a pink top but I did buy some pink jeans. I’m still not sure how I feel about that….
Here ends the post in want of a proper title.
Lots of love, WeeGee xx
**It must be all the Olympic diving I’ve been watching
***Not quite ‘everyone’ but a lot of people who know me