Posted in About today, Recovery?

An update (because I couldn’t think of a better title)

As always seems to be the case these days it’s been a while since last I blogged. I must confess that it’s been an awful lot longer since last I read any blogs. I think I might have gone and turned into a bad blogger, but then again and in my defence, there’s been an awful lot going on here in WeeGee land…….

The last time I popped up the crazy was leaking out of my ears. To be honest, I had a serious case of The Dreaded Jitters and there was so much noise in my head that the only thing I could think of to do was boo fucking hoo. I’m not jittery anymore and I’m bored with the whole boo fucking hoo thing, so I guess I should do what we mental blogging people tend to refer to as a ‘proper’ update.

So. How did I get to where a) I was and b) where I am now? That’s what you’re going to need to know if I’m going to do a ‘proper’ update, isn’t it?

I suppose I got to where I was because I took my eye off the proverbial* ball and let myself get a bit overwhelmed. Mostly, I think, I was overwhelmed with work stuff which was a pretty overwhelming thing to happen given that work has always been a constant, and often a means of keeping myself on the straight and narrow.

As to how I got back to here? Well I did my very best to remember that if you don’t like where you are there are two things you can do: 1. Change where you are or 2. Change the way you feel about where you are. Of course remembering wasn’t the hardest part, but I’ll spare you the ins and outs of the therapy – most of you know that for yourselves. The headline is that I’m putting a lot of time and effort into managing my feelings right now and (can we all please touch some wood) things are starting to come back together again.

It strikes me that now, when I have one of my little wobbles, I seem to get back to where I started with another tool in my kit bag. Sometimes it’s a dark journey, but I don’t think I’ll ever go back to my darkest days. Being mental is, for the most part, a pretty bum deal. But it isn’t all bad because recovery brings some special things with it – insight, and self awareness, and the understanding that there really isn’t anything your brain can chuck at you that you can’t survive.

I think that’s all I can write for now. I had a wobble, I’m less wobbly now, and I’ve remembered that I’m an active participant in the things that happen to me and this thing we call living.

Meanwhile in other news Mr Awesome Thing Number Five gets a little bit more AWESOME every day and I have a new minor TV obsession in Walking Dead. Nothing else to report save that it IS NOT A GOOD IDEA to chop chillies then pick your nose. Quite aside from the obvious hygiene implications it doesn’t half sting…..

When I’m all better and proper strong I’ll get back to reading your blogs. In the meantime I hope you’re doing well and I love you all like lots and lots of jelly tots.

WeeGee xoxoxo

*is the ball proverbial? I’m not convinced but it sounded right….

Posted in Moving forwards

Remember me? WeeGee?

I suppose you know it’s been WAY too long since your last blog post when the great and the good of the blogosphere start popping up all over the place to say “hey there WeeGee! Are you still there or did you go and fall off the end of the universe or something?”

I’m not entirely sure how it got to be quite so long since my last post. I’m conscious that it was a big post and that maybe, at least in a small part, I spooked myself a little when I realised quite how candid I’d been. Most people were nothing short of AWESOME about the whole ‘attention real world: I am a mental person’ thing but one or two weren’t quite so pleased which hurt a little. Then again, I guess all it goes to show is that you can’t please all of the people all of the time……

Anyhow – that’s all done with now and I’m back which means there’s only one thing for it: A Spectacular Update On All The Spectacular Things WeeGee Has Been Up To. Who’s in?

So. Is everything all spectacular here in WeeGee land? Well of course not, but that’s not the way the world works. On the other hand if you were to ask is WeeGee well, and taking care of herself, and still putting one foot in front of the other? Well hell yes, and then some. When you’re depressed I think you think that getting better is going to be the opposite of where you are, and that you’ll somehow start to leap out of bed in the morning full of hope, and optimism and HAPPINESS. The thing is that the normal brains don’t work like that, so why on earth would a getting better mental brain behave that way?

Life isn’t perfect, or perhaps more accurately, the way I interact with life isn’t perfect. I’m still pretty frightened, and overwhelmed, and likely to hide. But I’m out there, and I’m doing it anyway and if I’m honest it really doesn’t feel too bad most of the time. Do you know what? If this is as far as I’m ever going to get I’m going to take it and be content: it doesn’t feel too bad most of the time. I don’t suppose you can say much fairer than that.

Since last I blogged I’ve been having a real life. I’ve been finding my mojo at work, and working things out with Mr Friendly, and taking lots of photos, and cooking lots of food. I guess I’ve been doing what I said I was going to do: working out who WeeGee is now. Maybe that’s the headline – it isn’t perfect, but WeeGee finally has a real life and she likes it.

As always I saved the best for last. On the one hand I know that another person shouldn’t ever count as the best thing. But on the other hand that rule doesn’t account for Mr Awesome Thing Number Five* turning up. What can I say? That I don’t deserve him? That I can’t believe my luck? Or that maybe I’m going to take this too because it works (thus far) and that we’re happy (thus far) and can anyone spot anything else that matters? Thought not…..

Much in the same way as I didn’t mean to be unwell, I didn’t mean to get better. I kept on keeping on, doing all the right stuff, and hoping for the future. Where I’m at now just kinda happened, and that’s not miraculous. It’s just the way life ebbs and flows, and the way the brain behaves, and the way somehow, if you hold on tight enough you’ll always come out on the other side.

I love you all lots like jelly tots

WeeGee xxxxx

*if I’d known how things were going to turn out is have given him a shorter name.

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Posted in About today

A whole load of awesome awesomeness

Today I have been mostly flying by the seat of my pants. I’m usually pretty good at flying by the seat of my pants but emailing a duly signed contract out at 16.58 when the deadline is 17.00 is a little bit too seat of my pants even for my liking. I’ll tell you what though – when you spend most of your working day feeling a bit on edge you’re left with vast quantities of energy at the end of it. And vast quantities of energy in WeeGee land can mean only one thing: A whole load of AWESOME AWESOMENESS. I do enjoy the odd bout of AWESOME AWESOMENESS.

I suppose I should write something sensible about the last couple of days because I think sense left the building for a while resulting in a couple of nonsensical posts. The pressure is really on now, isn’t? I’ve only gone and promised that I’ll say something sensible when you are well aware that there can be no such guarantees as far as WeeGee is concerned….. Anyway – the first sensible thing to say is that I made a bit of a mistake – that age old WeeGee mistake of responding far too strongly to the words and actions of other people. The second sensible thing to say is that I’m going to try and remember not to make that mistake again because WeeGee knows far better than to let the words and actions of other people overwhelm her so much that she hides in her hidey hole for a few days.

To be fair, the past few days haven’t been all bad – mostly I’ve just been feeling quiet, thoughtful and not much in the mood for human company. I’ve decided that it is definitely okay to feel like that every once in a while because everybody needs some space from time to time. Even the mental people. Allowing myself to have some space to feel quiet, and think about things, and come to one or two decisions is a positive thing because it means I’ve finally turned into the kind of person who can give herself space, feel a bit quiet, have a little think and make some decisions without considering leaping off a tall thing whilst she’s about it. I guess what I’m saying is that WeeGee’s progress continues apace which I’m sure you’ll agree is pretty damn AWESOME.

As for today? AWESOMENESS has been the order of the day. I’ve bounced around all over the place getting things done, and being hilarious, and maybe being a teeny tiny bit irritating because although a bouncing WeeGee is all AWESOME and super efficient, she is also a teeny tiny bit irritating. Hey – at least I’m upfront about my faults 😀 My only regret this week is that when I was in hiding mode I decided not to make any exciting social plans but it’s only a small regret because I’ve got Masterchef to keep me entertained and a mostly AWESOME Bank Holiday weekend to look forward.

Meanwhile in other news I suppose I should confess that along with the bouncing around comes a little touch of recklessness which means I’ve had to promise not to do anything reckless like dye my hair blue, or have a full facial tattoo, or buy a brand new Audi on hire purchase. Nothing else to report save that the sun is shining, WeeGee is feeling AWESOME and all is well with the world.

Cheerie bye my sweetie pies xoxoxxo

Posted in Recovery?

Out of routine

The title of this post is a fairly adequate description of how I’ve been feeling for the last week or so. It’s also the title of an awesome song by one of my favourite bands – here it is if you fancy a listen:

Cool, eh?

I returned to work after SEVENTEEN whole days off today. The break was all great and awesome and stuff, but I started to feel a bit out of sorts and pointless because I was missing my routine and everybody knows how WeeGee loves a routine*

To be fair, it isn’t really me who needs the routine, it’s my broken brain** because in the absence of routine broken brain takes against me and does everything in its power to mix it all up again in the off chance that it might manage to convince me that things are so mixed up that jumping out the window is the BEST IDEA IN THE WORLD.

The upshot of all of this is that I had two days where I was a teeny tiny bit ‘woe is me’ which made me panic because I didn’t think I could do the whole ‘woe is me’ thing again but then I decided I was being foolish because there is a big difference between ‘woe is me’ and being a little bit down in the dumps because a) Christmas is all over with, b) you’ve been sitting around not doing much for a few days and c) you’re missing your friends from work. And then everything was okay again.

To be honest I think one of the most difficult things about getting better is adjusting to the ups and downs that a normal mood throws at you. Every time I feel a little bit sad, or a little bit confused, or a little bit lost (or a little bit whatever else) I over react because I think ‘here we go again’ when what I should really think is ‘how novel to have a fluctuating mood instead of the pointless empty one I used to have one hundred percent of the time’. I suppose I’ll get used to it in time…..

Food wise, I’m still doing well. In fact I’m doing really well. Christmas dinner didn’t fill me with the dread or self loathing or panic of previous years. In fact the only thing Christmas dinner filled me with this year was turkey and stuffing and brussel sprouts and other such festive foodstuffs. Better than that, I recently managed to EAT OUT IN PUBLIC WITH PEOPLE I HAD NEVER MET BEFORE. Get this – I didn’t just manage it once…. I only went and did it twice. Go me 🙂

As far as weight goes I think I’m getting somewhere. I’m fairly confident that my weight has levelled out at last and I can now go into almost any shop I want and find something that fits me (which is to say I’m normal enough to wear normal sizes which is pretty exciting, when you come to think about it) Every so often I wobble*** but only in a very minor manner and given some of the wobbles I’ve overcome so far I’m not going to worry myself about the minor things in life.

I suppose I could have summed up all of the above by saying ‘on a scale of one to mental I’m not very mental at all’ but I felt like setting it all out in black and white to remind myself how well I’m doing and how far I’ve come. I know that some of my readers are having a hard time with themselves at the moment, and I also know that they probably don’t think that it’ll ever get any better. The thing is, you have to keep on doing the right things, even when the right things don’t seem to be helping because eventually it will slot into place and the right things will lead you out the other side. To borrow a phrase from a much esteemed fellow blogger…… There is hope.

Meanwhile in other news I didn’t mention that I officially LOVE being back at work not least because I can blog in my (late) lunch hour. Nothing else to report today save that Mr Hilarious accidentally bought his daughter a psychotic hamster for her birthday and has some very impressive scars to prove it.

Cheerio for now

Lots of love from WeeGee xoxoxox

*Just in case you don’t, WeeGee loves a routine very much

**Yes – I do think of us as two separate entities. You’re allowed to do things like that when you’re mental

***Like when a pair of size six trousers are a bit tight for me. Which is ridiculous and I know it.

Posted in About today

Everything is all BRILLIANT and stuff

Before I go any further I HAVE to share this song with you because it is GORGEOUS and it’s also the best cover version in the whole world EVER:

BRILLIANT in’t it?

Sorry I didn’t post yesterday. It was Mrs Mountain day and I had an awful lot of thinking to do. Plus I had my (now daily) chit chat with Mr Magic to fit in which was sweet and awesome and a nice way to spend my evening. Mrs Mountain and I spent a lot of time talking about why I had pressed the self-sabotage button and gone a bit weird about food. There wasn’t really a conclusion but the most plausible theory was that I was happy and generally enjoying things but broken brain had decided that I didn’t deserve any of that on account of me being all rubbish and pointless and what not. By the way, project fatten up WeeGee is coming along okay but it’s really hard work and every so often I feel like bursting into tears. I’m ploughing on through it, and I’ve made plans to eat with people for every meal over the weekend because it’s difficult to be weird about eating when you’re eating with people. The only other thing to note is that if I see another sachet of complan in my life I swear to god I’m going to SCREAM.

I’ve been compiling a little list of all the awesome things about Mr Magic and it’s getting quite long now so I thought I would share it:

  • He is a magician*
  • He swears more than I do**
  • He phones me every night just to say hi***
  • He phoned me first thing this morning just to say hi****
  • He says brolly instead of umbrella*****
  • He just comes right out and says what he thinks******
  • He is best friends with the guitarist from the Real People*******
  • He understands that WeeGee is vulnerable and a) knows when to back off, b) knows when not to back of and c) has already realised that if you want to bring WeeGee back to herself when she’s having a moment you just have to tell her the truth and then make her laugh********

As for all the awesome things about Mr Grammar Geek? I won’t do a list because I can sum it up in one word: intrigue. He’s interested in all kinds of things I’m not interested in (yet) and that’s very interesting to WeeGee. I also have a sneaking suspicion that he’s hiding in a little bit of a shell and that is also interesting. Oh – and he plays the trumpet. Actually I forgot the best bit: he’s French and I’m pretty confident that he’d sound pretty damn sexy reading my shopping list out loud. Sigh….

What next….. How about a little musical interlude?

That there is the other contender for the best cover version in the whole world EVER. Listen to it all the way through and you’ll think you’re going die of awesomeness when you hear how Frank’s voice cracks with bitterness and spite at the end. I love Frank Turner so much that I’d definitely marry him if he asked even though I don’t really understand why people get married.

Work has been brilliant this week – I’ve been reminded that not only do I love my job I also love the people I work with and I know that means I am a very lucky girl indeed. Here are some of the brilliant things that have happened in the office this week:

  • I learned that those things surveyors survey stuff with are called ‘theodolites’ which means that I’ll be able to show off and say ‘that’s a theodolite’ the next time I see one
  • Mrs Bossy told the story of the time a mini tornando went down her street and a child’s sandpit landed in her garden and WeeGee thought if that was my story it would be the first thing I would tell people when I met them
  • Mrs Bossy told the story of the time her back went when she was naked in the kitchen and WeeGee thought a) if that was my story it would be the last thing I would tell people and b) that she must remember never to go into her kitchen naked again ;-P
  • Mr Hilarious kept going on about how huge the chocolate cake in the café was so WeeGee went down to see it and when the guy asked her what she would like she was forced to say ‘Nothing, I just came to look at the cake’ and felt like a bit of a chump
  • WeeGee accidently wrote ‘lots of love’ in a retirement card which disappointed her because it took the edge off some excellent sarcasm
  • WeeGee accidentally said  ‘thanks for that lovely’ at the end of a telephone call with Mr I’m Quite Handsome and everyone in the office teased her so much she actually blushed
  • WeeGee didn’t tell the rest of the office that Mr I’m Quite Handsome replied ‘No worries sweetheart….. my pleasure’ because she wanted to keep that bit to herself

Today has been one of my favourite Fridays in the world EVER because Project Rubbish is now signed off and officially off my desk and if things start falling over it’ll be nothing to do with me. This made me happy and bouncy and hilarious which was cool but then it rubbed on everyone else and it all got a bit hysterical and WeeGee had to leave the room to compose herself. I’ve reached that point in the day where I’ve written my to do list for next week and don’t want to start anything new but it’s too early to respectfully leave so I’m blogging and gossiping with you instead of gossiping with Mr Hilarious. Speaking of Mr Hilarious – here’s another reason he’s AWESOME: when WeeGee’s purse breaks and she has an emergency super glue required moment he has some emergency super glue at the bottom of one of his drawers.

Meanwhile in other news I am going to the pub after work and intend to eat, drink and be merry. Nothing else to report today save is it nearly wine o’clock yet?

*You don’t have to know very much about WeeGee to understand why that impresses her

**In a comedy fashion – he’s not at all uncouth

***And this doesn’t make me feel at all crowded or overwhelmed which is a good sign

****Because he ‘wanted to wake up with me’ and instead of being a bit creepy it was incredibly sweet

*****My friends laugh at me when I say brolly because it ‘makes me sound like an old person’

******My favourite kind of person because people like that tend not to tell lies

*******I’m guessing I’m one of only a small number of people who will find this impressive

********I don’t actually have an aside for this one but I had to keep up the pattern and I’ve now officially smashed my own blogging asterisk world record

Posted in About today

Rock and roll romance

Before I go any further I have to share this song with you because it’s gorgeous and I’ve recently fallen in love with it (I’m sorry about the swearing at the start)

Okay, so that’s my Sir Frank moment out of the way for today…….

Today I am mostly being bored at work. I’m trying to fill in a baffling form about project ethics but I’m not having much luck with it on account of it being baffling. There’s only one section I can confidently complete but the person who asked me to fill in the form told me to leave that bit blank – apparently she can do that bit for me because ‘there are strict rules about data retention’ which is interesting considering that they’re MY EFFING RULES thank you very much missy. I’m not really used to being bored at work and I’m beginning to wonder if I gave too much of my work away. I’m also having a little worry about myself because it occurs that I continue to take a keen interest in the network project and that I was only pretending that I thought it was boring, and that I’d actually quite like it back now. Hmmm.

I suppose I should do a Mr Smiley update. Well – there shall be no happy ending for WeeGee and Mr Smiley which, on reflection, is a good thing because WeeGee had done that ‘black and white thinking thing’ and decided that she liked Mr Smiley which meant it didn’t matter what happened she wouldn’t stop liking him. So that there is lesson number one: WeeGee needs to remember to reserve judgement, and be prepared to not like people she wants to like. As to whether I really liked Mr Smiley – well I did, but maybe not as much as I thought I would, and in honesty, he made me feel a little nervous because I had a feeling he didn’t actually ‘get’ me and I felt like I was trying to please him. Which is lesson number two: it’s not a good idea for WeeGee to hang out with people who make her nervous and you can’t please all of the people all of the time. Finally, Mr Smiley said something to WeeGee which got under her skin and made alarm bells ring. The thing he said was this:

‘I think we’d probably get on great physically, but maybe not enough to talk about’

It got under my skin because I was transported back to life before Mr Friendly when the only thing WeeGee did was ‘get on great physically’ because WeeGee was sad and hurting, and had found a brand new way to hurt herself. I wondered if that was maybe where I was heading again but I decided that it definitely wasn’t because I’m bored of hurting myself on purpose. And then I wondered what it is that guys see when they see WeeGee and I wasn’t sure I liked the answer very much because I don’t really understand why you’d want to get on physically with someone you’re not terribly interested in. There’s a lesson there too, but I’m not sure I’ve figured it out yet. I’ll keep you posted. I suppose there are a couple of lessons about ‘face value’ and WeeGee being a little reckless too – but I think I knew those things all along.

Anyway – Mr Smiley goes down to experience but not in a bad way because it was a nice experience for the most part and I learned a few lessons along the way, and maybe I’ll have another friend to add to my collection which is always nice.

What else to tell you about? I could tell you about last night’s hilarious excitement but it was so hilarious and exciting that I’m going to keep it to myself and enjoy it for a little while longer. I should mention that I’m seeing Mr Friendly over the weekend which will be an interesting experience because this is the first time I’ve seen him knowing that even if he wanted to give things another go I wouldn’t. I think Mr Friendly might be surprised by who I’ve turned into because I think I’m exactly the person he was trying to stop me being for all that time we wasted together. I say wasted, but I mean it in a nice way, because it was a nice waste of time. Which makes me think that’s maybe all boys are – a nice way to waste your time!

Meanwhile in other news it’s Friday and I’ve got that Friday feeling which is novel because do you remember all those Fridays that I wished the weekend wouldn’t happen because I went mental at the weekend? Nothing else to report today save that I really must go and fill in my baffling form.

Lots of love from WeeGee

PS – told you there’d be two today 🙂

Posted in Reasons to be cheerful

Seven things you shall shortly know about WeeGee

Morning folks. How’s everybody getting on? I wondered if you might fancy a little bit of a WeeGee awards post? By the way, it doesn’t really matter what your answer is because you are getting an awards post regardless….

The marvellous Rachel Miller over at My Bipolar Life very kindly nominated my blog for the one lovely blog award. That was pretty sweet of her and I thank her from the bottom of my heart for thinking of me. Oh and I hope you had a super birthday Rachel? The thing is – I’ve received this award before, but writing seven things about myself provides an excellent distraction which is exactly what I need right now*.

Seven things you didn’t know about WeeGee (but that you will know by the end of this post)

1. WeeGee was the head girl at her school

Believe it or not I was elected as the head girl at my school in 1995. I say believe it or not because I was in FULL BLOWN NUTTER mode at the time of my election. My readers have seen me when I’m mental, but I promise you WeeGee being mental is nothing compared to WeeGee in FULL BLOWN NUTTER mode. Being head girl means you get to wear a badge and feel popular and important but I can’t remember much more about it than that owing to FULL BLOWN NUTTER mode.

2. WeeGee has a bit of a ‘thing’ about doing things she’s not very good at doing

To be fair I’ve got an awful lot of ‘things’ about things** but the one that frustrates me most is my absolute refusal to do things that I’m not very good at doing which means I have to watch on when people are playing pool (amongst other things)

3. WeeGee thinks she might have a bit of a crush on Mr I’m Quite Handsome

This one only occurred to me today, so it’s no wonder that you didn’t know it about me before. Mr I’m Quite handsome works for one of our resellers and he comes to see me at least once a month and he’s always super nice to me because he wants us to spend loadsa money with his company. Anyway I caught myself doing the whole inauspicious check for a wedding ring thing earlier and Mr I’m Quite Handsome also caught me at it and made a joke about being single in his thirties and WeeGee thought hang on a little minute there and then shook his hand and said ‘see you next month’ in the normal fashion….. Sigh.

4. WeeGee is a ‘person of executive potential’

Believe it or not, when I’m not bouncing around being daft at work I actually have a responsible job which (even if I do say so myself) I’m pretty damn good at. I often say that I don’t take anything very seriously but my job is the obvious exception that proves the rule. Anyway, I’m pleased to report that my reputation clearly proceeds me and I have recently been put forward for the executive mentoring scheme. I consider this to be even more impressive given the recent attack of the mentals and the resultant time off work.

5. WeeGee has a lucky charm

I don’t believe in fate or destiny or any of that stuff, mainly because I try not to believe in things that defy all logic, but I do have a lucky charm. It’s a pair of miniature wellington boots that I bought at Kew Gardens about twelve years ago – they’ve lived on my desk at work ever since, and I’ve got on pretty well at work so I think it’s fair to consider them lucky

6. WeeGee has never seen any of the Star Wars or Alien films

Mr Hilarious swears blind that I’m making this one up for attention but I swear blind that I’m not. In some ways I’d quite like to watch them but I’ve made it 32 years without seeing them and I now consider it to be a bit of a claim to fame.

7. WeeGee is addicted to nicotine replacement lozenges

I’m rather proud of the fact that I managed to quit smoking when I was proper mental. I’m less proud of the fact that although I haven’t had a cigarette for 11 months*** I am now completely addicted to nicotine replacement lozenges. I guess that’s what a compulsive personality does for you.

There you go then – seven things that you didn’t know about WeeGee but that you definitely know now.

Thanks for all the hugs following my last post by the way – I knew I could rely on you guys. As a short update WeeGee got over the not being okay thing without any difficulty and I’m all bouncy and smiley again now. I’m like a Weeble because when I wobble I don’t fall down

Seven lots of love from WeeGee xxxxx

PS – if any of my readers haven’t already had the ‘One lovely blog award’ and would like it, please accept it from me because all the blogs I read are lovely

PPS – I wrote this post last night but then I got distracted by some amusing and hilarious occurrences in WeeGee land. I mention this because it means you’ll probably get two posts from me today

 

 

 

 

*It occurs to me that I started the thirty days of truth challenge and then forgot to finish it so I might revisit that soon

**Like moths and mushrooms and alphabetical order and things being at just the right angle – the list goes on

***Apart from that night I was drinking gin and tonic with Mrs Perfect but that was completely her fault

 

Posted in About today

Great Expectations (In which WeeGee would quite like a hug)

I’m blogging from work even though it isn’t my lunch hour which isn’t like me at all. To cut a long story short I’m bored of what I’m doing* and Mr Hilarious isn’t around to distract me. It has occurred to me that I don’t like work nearly so much when Mr Hilarious isn’t around because a) it isn’t particularly hilarious without him b) Dan** is STILL going on about star wars Lego and Mr Hilarious is the only person who knows what to say to him about it and c) I could really rather do with a huge hug and someone not telling me ‘I told you so’ right about now.

Dear Mr Hilarious, Can you hurry up back from Reading because Mrs Bossy just said ‘Hang on a minute I’ll ask a young person…… WeeGee: What’s a DM – is it a DMail?’ and nobody thought it was funny. Lots and lots of love from WeeGee xxx P.S – please may I have a hug? Xx

Work is double rubbish and boring today because The Man Who Knows*** is hot desking in my office and he won’t stop boring on about all the stuff he claims to know but clearly doesn’t. If he doesn’t shut up soon I’m going to poke him in the eye, and then I’m going to poke him in the other one. And then I’m going to accidentally push him out the window – I’ve already opened it in preparation…..

Anyhow – I’m not posting to ramble on about work. I’m posting to let you know that WeeGee might finally have got to the bottom of all this ‘caring too much’ stuff because I did it, and now I’m feeling a little bruised and that’s exactly what everybody says happens when you care too much. I think I need to go back to the drawing board with ‘attachment’ and ‘boundary issues’ because I think I’m a little more wonky than I thought I was. The astute amongst you might have figured out that I’m talking about Mr Smiley. What can I say? Nothing actually because that’s all I’m prepared to say about that. I think I also need to go back to the ‘REALLY BAD SWEARWORD’S SAKE WEEGEE: WHAT IS IT WITH THIS WHOLE SHY NERVY THING?’ drawing board too, and as I’m still talking about Mr Smiley I guess that wasn’t all I was prepared to say but I’m definitely done with what I had to say now.

Moving swiftly on, I had my counselling session this morning. Mrs Mountain is also of the opinion that I’m doing well which is pretty cool. At the same time I think Mrs Mountain is also a bit more cautious than Mr Clever – I guess because she gets to see into my heart as well as my head which actually makes a lot of sense to me because it doesn’t matter how much better I get I’m probably always going to wear my heart on my sleeve and maybe I’m still not as good at taking care of it as I ought to be. I think that might be another drawing board actually!

I suppose the headline today is that I’m probably not okay, but that’s okay.. I have no intention of letting the mentals bite so I’m listening to the Gaslight Anthem**** and bouncing around seeing if I can raise a smile anywhere about the place***** and pretending that I don’t care.

Meanwhile in other news I was rather amused by the girl in the shop who asked whether she had to pay because there was ‘no money in the cash point and she didn’t want to use her card’******. Nothing else to report today save that how can somebody who sounds like this not be the most famous person on the planet?

Lots and lots of love WeeGee xoxoxox

PS Please may I have a hug?

*Which is basically little more than making a spreadsheet look pretty

**His real name because the only thing I could think of to call him was ‘Mr I’m so much of a geeky cliche that it actually hurts’ and that seemed a bit long for the purposes of this blog

***Have you met The Man Who Knows yet? He thinks he knows everything about everything but he doesn’t and I HATE HIM WITH A VENGENCE

****But not the acoustic version of Great Expectations because it makes me cry at the best of times*******

*****With some success I am pleased to report

******Of course I watched on with interest because if she’d got away with it I would have given it a go myself. Alas – Mr Shopkeeper Man was having none of it

*******And then I went and listened to it anyway

Posted in About today

Monday update

From time to time, there are things in my head that I know I will never mention anywhere, not even on my blog. Some of those things are swimming around in my head at the moment, so writing today’s instalment might prove a little more challenging than is usually the case……

I promised some of my readers a little bit of an update following yesterday’s meet-up with Mr Smiley. Well – I had a really rather lovely time and thinking about it now I’ve realised that it’s actually a very long time since I last had a lovely time. I quite like having a really rather lovely time by the way. Mr Smiley is ace: lovely and smiley and the kind of guy you are ALWAYS pleased to see* He’s also the kind of guy that brings someone he has never met a really thoughtful gift back from his holiday. Oh and he’s excellent at hugs – and everybody knows how much WeeGee loves hugs. I was a bit disappointed that I kept coming over all shy, but I don’t think it’s going to be a huge problem because Mr Smiley seems to be the kind of guy** who will be patient enough to wait for me to come out of my shell, and I know that I always do in the end. Anyhow – we’re meeting again on Wednesday evening, so I obviously didn’t scare him off completely…..

My mood today is so strange that I don’t actually know how to record it on the mood chart. On the one hand I’m happy and bouncy and absolutely fine and on the other hand my broken brain is going ‘Oi WeeGeee – I’m still here’ It’s broken brain that’s coming up with the stuff I will never mention, and it’s also throwing in the more usual peripheral nonsense for good measure. I’ve decided to ignore broken brain for today because I’m tired, it’s cold and rainy, and because things probably feel a bit heavier today on account of the fact that they didn’t feel heavy at all yesterday.

On a positive note, I decided that I needed to talk to my line manager about my workload. It was starting to get a bit out of hand and I’m determined not to get overwhelmed at work again, especially when other things in my life are going so well. We agreed that my workload was slightly ridiculous and then made a little plan to farm some of it out to the managers with lighter loads than me. The good news is that I’ve lost the boring network tender/procurement project*** and kept hold of my shiny SharePoint one. I also remembered to ‘shout up’ when the going got tough so I feel like I’m still managing to take care of myself and put my health before everything else.

Meanwhile in other news I had to stand outside in the rain for a whole hour for a fire drill at lunchtime which I did not enjoy because a) it was freezing cold b)I was in a meeting when the alarm sounded and none of my colleagues thought to bring my coat down for me**** and c) it meant that I didn’t get a lunch break until 3.30pm. Nothing else to report save that I am delighted that my alien brain twin Carrie from Hello Sailor has returned to the WordPress fold because I’ve missed her.

Lots of love and a small touch of the flat and empties, WeeGee xxxxxxx

PS I’m sorry the title is a bit lame but I couldn’t think of anything else!

*Unless he’d done something REALLY BAD but even then you probably wouldn’t stay angry for long

**He seems to be quite a lot of ‘kind of guys’

***Because it has NOTHING to do with my job anyway and I was only doing it as a favour

****If people are out of the office when the fire alarm goes off I ALWAYS remember to take their coats down. B******s

Posted in About today

Lucky pants

After two very rubbish days at work I decided there was only one thing for it: lucky pants. They appear to have done the trick because today is very definitely not going to be a rubbish day at work.

I received my summons to Mrs Scary Boss Lady’s office this morning and after much faffing around under my desk to find some suitably high footwear (more about my footwear shortly) I attended Boss Lady’s office and explained, as I was required to, what had gone wrong. And then Mrs Scary Boss Lady said something I really wasn’t expecting her to say: These Things Happen. Maybe she isn’t so scary after all…..

It’s my dad’s birthday today, so I was thinking about him as I made my way to work in the autumn sunshine. I was thinking about his last birthday, when he turned sixty and WeeGee was mental and had a rotten time trying to drag herself through all the surprises and excitement and general jolly stuff. I wish it was his big birthday this year because then I would be able to enjoy it with him. Anyway – you can’t turn back time, and maybe the main thing to take from my thinking is quite how far I’ve come.

There is an air of happiness and hilarity in the office today. Everyone has got over the explosions and definitely have their eyes on the weekend. Mr Hilarious is on top form today. He greeted me by saying ‘feel how cold my banana is’ whilst pointing a banana at me in the fashion of a gun*. Of course, I didn’t rise to his lewdness but I did feel his banana and can confirm it was very cold indeed. He’s also just asked me to ‘sniff his lunch box’ which suggests that one of the main outcomes of the online dating experiment has been everybody thinking I have turned into Barbara Windsor or somefink.

Here are a few more thoughts about online dating by the way:

  • Hints don’t work very well in the online dating world and you sometimes have to resort to YOU ARE SCARING ME NOW. PLEASE EFF RIGHT OFF
  • Some people appear to be looking for ‘anybody’ rather than ‘somebody’ which makes me feel sad
  • If you are going to choose a user name like Mr Cool, or Trendy Guy or Eligible you should probably think long and hard about whether you’re going to be able to pull it off

I’ve got another post about online dating planned although I might decide to turn it into a PhD instead – Boy Meets Girl: Gender Politics in the Online Dating World….. Anyway – the main thing to say about my online dating experiment is that it’s on hold pending a trip to the Science Museum on Sunday** and ***

What next? Oh yes, I was going to tell you about my shoes. After yesterday’s hole in the shoe incident I decided I was going to be very particular about my foot wear today. So – I was rooting about trying to find a pair of shoes that could be added to a suit that would be quirky enough to make it feel like I wasn’t actually wearing a suit**** and I found a pair of shoes I’d never worn before. I’d never worn them because I wasn’t quite sure about them but couldn’t put my finger on why I wasn’t quite sure of them.

Anyway I went with the shoes on a whim. As the morning dragged on I decided to go and visit the IT Crowd because I fancied a small skive***** I walked into the office and said ‘hey IT Crowd I’ve come for a skive’ and one of the IT Crowd said ‘Hey WeeGee – why are you wearing your slippers?’ And then I realised why I wasn’t quite sure about my shoes.

Meanwhile in other news I tried really hard with my asterisks today in an attempt to reclaim the blog asterisk world record from Ellie the Anxious Elephant but alas – I did not succeed. Never fear though Ellie, I will try again soon because I consider myself to have been challenged! Nothing else to report today save that I Is Back Init?!

Lots of love and hugs from WeeGee xxxx

*Which reminded me of my favourite comedy Family Fortunes answer ever. “We asked 100 people something you can do with a banana” Genuine top answer: give it to a monkey?!

**First date to the Science Museum – how cool is that?

***That’s the one you’ve got your fingers crossed for

****I don’t always wear a suit but decided I’d rather receive a telling off in a suit because then it wouldn’t really be me getting told off it would just be me doing an impression of somebody wearing a suit getting told off

*****Because every self respecting (occasional) skiver knows that’s the best place to skive because it’s good fun and  even if you get caught you can just make up a couple of acronyms beginning with V and then talk about scalability and stability and stuff and nobody is any the wiser