Posted in Recovery?

Whatever is in front of me

Hello. It’s me, WeeGee. You remember me, right? 
I’ve been away for a while and, I’m not going to lie, I wasn’t entirely sure I was ever coming back. Everything had changed, you see, and this little corner of the Internet didn’t feel like it belonged to the new world order. This was about the me that was, back then, when the fabric of things was altogether different. 
  
I suppose, what I’m saying is that I’ve been busy being the me that is now – carving out a new space and getting used to spending time in it. It’s taken me until now to figure where my blog fitted in The All New (not exactly singing and dancing) WeeGee Land. I suppose, what I’m also saying is – I’M BACK , although exactly what the fuck that is going to mean remains unclear.

At the moment, life is very much about whatever it is that’s in front of me at any given time. It’s more than just going through the motions but it’s less than living life in full technicolour. As has often been the case, I’m stuck somewhere between two extremes – I’m sitting in the middle waiting although I have no idea what it is I’m waiting for. 

  

Every once in a while I still seem to find my way to the very edge of the universe; truth told, I think that this is just the way things will be for me. Mrs Mountain tells me I should accept and forgive myself and I know she has a point so I’m trying to figure out what the edge of the universe can teach me about finding ways to live the life that is in front of me. The edge of the universe is nowhere near as terrifying as I once thought it was: I used to go there and think about jumping but now I peer over the edge and know that there are softer places for me to fall. 

  
Recently it has struck me that its easy to romanticise mental health difficulties – to make it all about noble battles fought by brave warriors who are somehow stronger, more worthy, than the three in four of us who are lucky enough to remain untouched. I seem to see it all the time and, you know what? I’m calling bullshit on that bullshit. 

  
There is nothing romantic about the cruel tricks your brain can play on you. NOTHING. N. O. T. H. I. N. G. Living your life whilst your brain implodes, and meaning leaves you, and everything hurts, and hope disappears? That’s not romantic. That’s an awful reality that won’t leave you alone and that colours everything you are and everything you thought you could be. 

The bottom line is that my life is not a battle and I am not a warrior. My life is just my life and I want to live it, whatever the reality might be. So what if my brain is imploding, or meaning has left, or everything hurts, or hope has disappeared? That’s just what’s in front of me – a set of facts, not at all unique. No heroics, nothing special – just what’s in front of me. End of story. 

I needed to get that off my chest. I’m glad I did. 

Meanwhile in other news I’ve been wondering how you guys are all doing. I can see things have changed here on WordPress and I’ve got a lot of catching up to do. Give me a week and I’ll be right on top of this….. Nothing else to report today save that would you care for a song to wrap this thing up:

Love you all lots, like jelly tots

WeeGee xoxoxo

Posted in Recovery?

What the heartbreak left behind

Since last I wrote I have mostly been being sentimental because when all’s said I’m done the WeeGee is nothing if not a sentimental old fool….

As I write I’m sitting in my packed up living room, trying to come to terms with the fact that it very nearly isn’t my living room anymore. It’s worth mentioning, I think, that tonight is the LAST EVER night I will spend alone in this little flat that I’ve come to call home.

I moved in here a little over three years ago at a time when (and I don’t mean to be melodramatic) it felt like my whole life was falling apart. It wasn’t just that a relationship had come to an end – although with hindsight I know that the grief that came with that was a large part of it – I’d lost friendships, support structures, routines, every single reference point that I thought I could rely on. I was all at sea and there was no shore, or at least no shore that I could find. I’d been lost before, plenty of times in fact, but when I moved here I was lost in a whole new way – mostly because I was lost alone.

Of course the heartbreak subsided because that’s what it does – it was that thing that people talked about when it first happened ‘time’. I didn’t believe them then and if it happened all over again I still wouldn’t believe them because the heart doesn’t learn lessons nearly as well as the brain does. I guess you need the time to happen before you believe it’s going to help.

Once the heartbreak was over I didn’t feel like I’d been left with very much – a silent flat and a WeeGee who not only had no idea who she was anymore but who also didn’t really care was pretty much all I had in my head for the longest time. It was the worst of me – the worst of who I’ve been and worst of who I can be. Everything was nothing and it wasn’t so much that I wanted to be dead. I just didn’t care one way or another. My brain has taken me to some spectacularly awful places but this was the first time that I didn’t feel that I had anything to get better for. I’d been unwell before, sure, but there had always been people around to save me. This time, all I had was myself and I’d never much cared for her

Needless to say, I’ve learned an awful lot since I moved to Kingston. I learned how to be with myself, and how to let myself be who I am, and, to a certain extent, how to forgive myself. I’ve learned how to put one foot in front of the other JUST FOR ME. Most importantly of all, I’ve learned how to save myself from the worst my brain has to throw at me.

I thought I was going to hate living alone, and for a long time, I did. But eventually I realised that I needed to be alone because I’d become so used to fitting in around other people that I had no idea how to be me when the other people weren’t around anymore. On reflection, maybe that’s the most important lesson I learned here: I matter. And I matter whether there is anyone else in my life or not.

At this point, it seems worth a bit of fast forwarding because the time I spent alone, coming to terms with myself and working out who I might be if I ever grow up put me in a new place. It put me in a place where I was ready to meet Mr Awesome Thing Number Five, who, I would like to put on record, is the love of my life. I don’t love Mr Awesome Thing Number Five because he loves me and I don’t adapt myself or lose anything of me in loving him. I bring as much to his life as he brings to mine – I’ve never had that before because I never cared enough for myself before. I’ve always been too willing to please and too quick to compromise no matter what the consequences. Who knew that you had to learn to love yourself before you could make space to love any one else?

Living in this little flat gave me my life back and helped me to learn lessons that I might not otherwise have learned. What it also did is give me the opportunity to move on sensibly in a grown up and deeply loving relationship that has a future. Being heartbroken seems like a lifetime ago but it gave me things that I never thought I would have. Nothing you ever feel is wasted; everything you survive is significant. Hope is the most important thing of all.

Lots of love, WeeGee xoxoxo

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in About today, Recovery?

An update (because I couldn’t think of a better title)

As always seems to be the case these days it’s been a while since last I blogged. I must confess that it’s been an awful lot longer since last I read any blogs. I think I might have gone and turned into a bad blogger, but then again and in my defence, there’s been an awful lot going on here in WeeGee land…….

The last time I popped up the crazy was leaking out of my ears. To be honest, I had a serious case of The Dreaded Jitters and there was so much noise in my head that the only thing I could think of to do was boo fucking hoo. I’m not jittery anymore and I’m bored with the whole boo fucking hoo thing, so I guess I should do what we mental blogging people tend to refer to as a ‘proper’ update.

So. How did I get to where a) I was and b) where I am now? That’s what you’re going to need to know if I’m going to do a ‘proper’ update, isn’t it?

I suppose I got to where I was because I took my eye off the proverbial* ball and let myself get a bit overwhelmed. Mostly, I think, I was overwhelmed with work stuff which was a pretty overwhelming thing to happen given that work has always been a constant, and often a means of keeping myself on the straight and narrow.

As to how I got back to here? Well I did my very best to remember that if you don’t like where you are there are two things you can do: 1. Change where you are or 2. Change the way you feel about where you are. Of course remembering wasn’t the hardest part, but I’ll spare you the ins and outs of the therapy – most of you know that for yourselves. The headline is that I’m putting a lot of time and effort into managing my feelings right now and (can we all please touch some wood) things are starting to come back together again.

It strikes me that now, when I have one of my little wobbles, I seem to get back to where I started with another tool in my kit bag. Sometimes it’s a dark journey, but I don’t think I’ll ever go back to my darkest days. Being mental is, for the most part, a pretty bum deal. But it isn’t all bad because recovery brings some special things with it – insight, and self awareness, and the understanding that there really isn’t anything your brain can chuck at you that you can’t survive.

I think that’s all I can write for now. I had a wobble, I’m less wobbly now, and I’ve remembered that I’m an active participant in the things that happen to me and this thing we call living.

Meanwhile in other news Mr Awesome Thing Number Five gets a little bit more AWESOME every day and I have a new minor TV obsession in Walking Dead. Nothing else to report save that it IS NOT A GOOD IDEA to chop chillies then pick your nose. Quite aside from the obvious hygiene implications it doesn’t half sting…..

When I’m all better and proper strong I’ll get back to reading your blogs. In the meantime I hope you’re doing well and I love you all like lots and lots of jelly tots.

WeeGee xoxoxo

*is the ball proverbial? I’m not convinced but it sounded right….

Posted in Recovery?

Regeneration. Phase one.

This post is either very brave or very stupid. Come to think of it, it’s more likely a bit of both because let’s face it, brave needs a bit of stupid just as much as stupid needs a bit of brave. I don’t suppose I’m making much sense yet…….

A couple of things have happened recently that got me thinking. I thought for quite a long time and eventually my thinking turned into one of my infamous little thinks and before I knew it I’d come up with this blog post which is where the whole brave/stupid thing comes into it. If you’re new to WeeGee land don’t worry about it – it’ll all be as clear as mud by the time we get to the end, assuming we get that far together, of course. I’ve never taken my readers for granted.

So. I’ve been blogging for seventeen months now. Some people in the ‘real world’ know about my blog but not too many. I blog as WeeGee but my real name as Gail and the bottom line of it is that WeeGee and Gail are EXACTLY the same person, even though I’ve tried very hard to keep the two entirely separate. Why keep them separate? Well, because WeeGee blogs about Gail’s experiences with mental health difficulties and out there in the real world Gail still tries to keep these experiences a secret, even from some people who know me really, really well.

If you’re reading this and you know me as Gail you perhaps don’t know that I am recovered* from an eating disorder and that I experience both depression and anxiety. Sometimes I’m completely well, sometimes I’m not so well but functioning, and sometimes – well sometimes, I don’t function too well at all, although that’s quite rare nowadays. All of that said, whichever state I’m in I’m still WeeGee, or Gail, or in other words I’m still a human being just like everybody else on the planet.

Mental health difficulties aren’t rare at all, in fact one in five of us will experience them at some point in our lives** but hardly any of us talk about it. Why? Maybe because we’re ashamed, or because we think people won’t understand, or because we think it’s just none of anybody’s business. Or perhaps, and I think this is more likely, we’re still not past the stigma associated with poor mental health and we can’t just come right out and admit that we’re one of those mental people.

A few days ago I recorded a video for a fantastic project called Faces of mental illness. You can see my video here. Shortly after the video went live I panicked. I was suddenly terrified that WeeGee would be ‘outed’ as Gail and that my dirty little secret would be known. And then I realised that even I, who thought she knew better, was missing the point. I don’t believe there should be any stigma associated with poor mental health – that’s why I made the video. And that doesn’t square up with hiding.

So I’m not going to hide:

My name is Gail, but you can call me WeeGee if you prefer. I love my cat, and Frank Turner, and I’m obsessed with Breaking Bad. I like taking pictures of dudes in red trousers and I’m a budding masterchef contestant***. Once upon a time, I starved myself within an inch of my life but I’m better now. Sometimes the darkness creeps in and I get depressed. Sometimes I worry so much that I think I’m going to explode. I take medication to regulate my mood and occasionally I don’t sleep for days at a time. I’m a total geek when it comes to politics and grammar and if I ever grow up I’m going to live in a cottage in Oxfordshire and grow pink roses in the garden.

I’m one of those mental people. It’s important that I say it, but it isn’t even nearly the most important thing about me.

In a moment I’m going to share this little post on Facebook and then my secret will be well and truly out for the people who only know Gail. Some people might think it’s brave. Some people might think it’s stupid. Like I said I think it’s more likely a bit of both. It’s also a small offering from my corner of the world: one of these days, we really will stamp out stigma.

A while ago I posted that I wasn’t sure what would come next for How do you eat an elephant? I think this might be it: a brave new world and all that. What can I say? Wish me luck. I’ll see you on the other side.

I end, as is traditional, with a song. It’s a special little song to me. Enjoy:

Love you all lots, like jelly tots.

WeeGee xxxxx

And

Gail xxxxx

Ps. Thanks to the trusted few for their words of advice and encouragement. I love you guys even more than jelly tots but not quite as much as Frank Turner, but that’s still a very, very lot.

*or maybe I’m recovering.
**so the often quoted statistic goes
***although I’m going to need a bigger and better kitchen if I’m going to hope to win. Oh. And I’ll need to get better at sauces too….

Posted in Recovery?

Ships with holes will sink

The first thing to say about today’s post is that it’s completely unrelated to the title. ‘Ships with holes will sink’ is the name of a song I’ve been listening to a lot recently, mainly because it seems to neatly sum up that thing I refer to as ‘the story of my life’. Needless to say it isn’t exactly cheerful, and I don’t suppose it’ll be everybody’s cup of tea but we might as well have a listen to get us started:

Count your lucky stars you got the acoustic version because the album track would have given you a sense of what it sometimes sounds like inside my head and it isn’t exactly easy listening……

Anyway – since last I blogged I’ve been doing what I’ve always been doing since last I blogged: having a nice little think. Sometimes I wonder if I might be the most thoughtful person on the planet but then I remember my blogging buddies and realise that I’m one of an elite few alien-people from planet mental. It makes a difference, doesn’t it? Knowing you’re not alone?

There was a point over the weekend when I felt like I was completely and utterly alone AND on the wrong planet. There were nasty little thoughts swimming around in my head and I was starting to feel something I hadn’t felt for a little while – hopeless. And then I thought something very important. I thought what would Mrs Mountain suggest? It turns out that you don’t have to see Mrs Mountain every week to get the benefit of her wisdom. I think that might be what you call progress.

I suppose all happened was that somebody got under WeeGee’s skin because they said something that seemed to prove all the terrible things that WeeGee thinks about her worthless self and her ugly black heart. The point I think is that the words said nothing whatsoever about WeeGee and awful lot about the person who said them. I’m so busy trying to see the good in people, and looking for a way to forgive them that I forget to remember that sometimes people say and do shitty things and it’s okay to be disappointed. You don’t have to turn it all back on yourself. More progress, I guess.

I’ve been thinking a lot about these claims I make about being ‘shy’ because Mr Trendy said that I’m probably the least shy person he knows. The point, I think, is that he’s right. I’m not shy at all. It’s just that shy is a handy thing to fall back on when people scare you, and when you want to hide, and when you want to avoid the start because you can’t bear the ending. I’ve never really thought of it that way before, but it seems like an important way to think about it.

The headline today, I guess, is that WeeGee is hanging on to her sense of self even though it’s easily shaken and that she’s still managing to learn brand new things about the way she operates out there in the world. You can’t say fairer than that.

Meanwhile in other news I’m a little bit fed up because it turns out that one of the initial side effects of light therapy is that your skin gets REALLY sore. Nothing else to report save that one of the other initial side effects of light therapy is getting a rather nice, Mediterranean looking tan. Swings and round abouts and all that……

Cheery bye, sweetie pies. WeeGee xoxoxoxoxo

Posted in Recovery?

Hope is important: an update

I’ve written this post in my head about a million times over the past few months, but every time I sit down to write it I end up writing a different one instead. I’m not sure why – maybe I wanted to be circumspect for a change, or maybe I was worried that in writing the post I’d tempt fate, and jinx things, and somehow mess everything up. As is my way. Except, of course, that isn’t ‘my way’ at all. It’s a ridiculous conflation of past events that have no bearing on the here and now whatsoever.

When you start to remember to leave the past behind the future starts to feel a whole lot brighter……

I’ve been thinking about journeys again, insofar as that life is a only a journey and the only thing that anybody truly hopes for is not to reach the destination until they are very old, and they’ve done all the things, and been all the places, and read all the books, and met all the people they were supposed to.

As for my journey so far? Well, it hasn’t exactly been a happy journey but I’m content with that. Maybe I had to lead myself in and out and back into the wilderness so that I could get to this point – feeling confident that the next time the wilderness starts to beckon my brain is going to have all the ammunition it needs to save me. That’s what a lifetime being mental is all about – finally learning how to save yourself.

You probably think Mr Wise got his name because he’s wise which is only a little bit true because Mr Wise is wise in a very special way. Not many people have the kind of wisdom he does because not many people spend years of their lives battling their demons so that they can learn how to save themselves. As you know, Mr Wise saved me at least three billion squillion times. What I’ve never told you is that every single time he did he told me that one day I would learn how to save myself. I didn’t tell you because I wasn’t ready to believe him. But he was right.

Life is going to throw all kinds of stuff at me and my brain, I know that. What I also know is that I’m going to take it on the chin, keep an eye on my priorities and survive it. I’m not going to sweat the small stuff anymore, because I figured out what matters and how to keep it so that it always matters so much more than the small stuff.

I’m not so naive that I think I’ll never have a grey day again, and I’ll tell you what, I truly hope that my AWESOME days aren’t over with just yet. But I’ve found insight and perspective and I don’t plan on letting go. If you’re an ex smoker you might understand because there comes a point in the quitting process when you know in your heart that you’ve done it. I feel a bit like that about jumping off tall things, and hiding in bed for weeks, and starving myself to death, and carving my limbs up just because I can. I’m never going to have to do any of that again.

At this point in my journey I know that I matter just as much as other people. I know that an emotional attachment isn’t a bad thing. I know that taking a risk isn’t the same as being reckless. I know that I’m always going to be a bit vulnerable. I know that I’m always going to be strong. I know that nobody lets you down on purpose. I know that feelings grow but never ought to consume you. I know that I’m the only person who can hold myself together and save me. The last one is a big one because I wasted so much time thinking someone else would come to my rescue instead of getting stuck in and taking care of myself.

I also know something I knew all along, the one thing I never lost sight of, or let go of: Hope Is Important. Hope is what carries your heart when it’s too heavy for you to bear anymore.

I’m going to hold on to hope and that way I’ll always be able to save myself.

Love, WeeGee xoxoxo

Posted in Recovery?

Being without feeling

This is the news: WeeGee is happy. As in happy, and she knows it, and she really wants to show it. Clap, clap…….

The thing about being depressed is that you’re constantly aware that you’re depressed. Depression is always there, casting it’s long shadow, and controlling every little thing that you do. The thing about being happy is that you hardly notice it save for in those moments when it all comes together and the little smile you’re carrying about in your heart turns up on your face without you even meaning it to.

I used to think (or at least I thought for a long time) that happiness was about nothing more than moments and that the best you could ever hope for was ‘being without feeling’ punctuated by a few moments of ‘happy’ and even more moments of ‘sad’. It occurred to me today that I only thought that because I was depressed. Depression kills hope – that’s how it works, how it keeps hold of you for so long, how it takes over your life.

Now I know that happiness is about more than a few random moments in life – happiness exists in the moments you remember you’re happy the rest of the time. Happiness is what happens when the chinks of light get through so hope can grow. Happiness is safe, and warm, and content even when sad creeps in – it’s what helps you chase the sad away.

Happiness is being without having to worry about feeling.

I could lose myself trying to figure out where happy came from – it could be this thing, or that thing; or person x, or person y. Christ it might just be the happy pills. But what if (and this, I think is the likeliest) it’s about everything coming together and fighting a path back to my tired black heart so the sunshine can find it’s way through again? It’s pretty AWESOME when you come to think about it.

I leave you tonight with a sad little song, maybe the saddest song I’ve ever heard. The moral of the story? WeeGee is always going to love a sad song no matter how happy she is. Which is really just to say that she always comes back to herself in the end.

Love you lots and lots xoxoxo

Posted in Recovery?

The wise wisdom of WeeGee

Today I have mostly been having quite a big little think. Quite a big little think is a new one on me but it might be okay because it ended with a spot of wise WeeGee wisdom and you can’t really say fairer than that now can you?

It was a good day to have a big little think because it was Mrs Mountain day and given last week’s non starter of a session I was totally up for it today. All of the old questions seemed to have evaporated by the time I got to New Malden today and I only wanted to talk about two things – two very important questions:

Question one: Who is WeeGee?

Question two: What does WeeGee want?

Big questions but I suppose that’s why I needed a big little think……

So. Who is WeeGee? Do you know what? She is exactly what she is. She’ll never be any more, and will certainly never be any less. Mostly she’ll bounce around being all AWESOME and caring about stuff and people and stuff but every so often it’ll all get a bit much for her so she’ll have to hide. Which is fine. She’ll bore on about books and politics and how windows 8 is a bit shit but she’ll listen if you want to bore on about other stuff too. If you’re good, or kind, or wise, or funny WeeGee is going to like you. ALOT. Whether you like it or not. She’ll always be a bit sad no matter how much happy stuff happens because WeeGee refuses to pretend that the sad stuff that happened doesn’t matter – you have to carry it with you. Which isn’t to say that WeeGee isn’t happy by the way.

And then there’s what WeeGee wants which isn’t easy at all. On the one hand WeeGee wants to make it all right even though its always going to be wrong. But then again maybe WeeGee is going to put it right anyway, without meaning to, without it looking like she did it to anyone but her.

Or maybe there’s what WeeGee REALLY wants. And it’s nothing more complicated than the shore. Something steady, and safe, and real. WeeGee might never find it – maybe there’s no such thing as peace. But at least she figured out what she’s looking for, and it doesn’t come any wiser than that.

And that there is the wise wisdom of WeeGee. Goodnight my lovelies xoxoxoxo

Ps. Enjoy this song. It makes my heart sing:

Posted in Recovery?

Out of routine

The title of this post is a fairly adequate description of how I’ve been feeling for the last week or so. It’s also the title of an awesome song by one of my favourite bands – here it is if you fancy a listen:

Cool, eh?

I returned to work after SEVENTEEN whole days off today. The break was all great and awesome and stuff, but I started to feel a bit out of sorts and pointless because I was missing my routine and everybody knows how WeeGee loves a routine*

To be fair, it isn’t really me who needs the routine, it’s my broken brain** because in the absence of routine broken brain takes against me and does everything in its power to mix it all up again in the off chance that it might manage to convince me that things are so mixed up that jumping out the window is the BEST IDEA IN THE WORLD.

The upshot of all of this is that I had two days where I was a teeny tiny bit ‘woe is me’ which made me panic because I didn’t think I could do the whole ‘woe is me’ thing again but then I decided I was being foolish because there is a big difference between ‘woe is me’ and being a little bit down in the dumps because a) Christmas is all over with, b) you’ve been sitting around not doing much for a few days and c) you’re missing your friends from work. And then everything was okay again.

To be honest I think one of the most difficult things about getting better is adjusting to the ups and downs that a normal mood throws at you. Every time I feel a little bit sad, or a little bit confused, or a little bit lost (or a little bit whatever else) I over react because I think ‘here we go again’ when what I should really think is ‘how novel to have a fluctuating mood instead of the pointless empty one I used to have one hundred percent of the time’. I suppose I’ll get used to it in time…..

Food wise, I’m still doing well. In fact I’m doing really well. Christmas dinner didn’t fill me with the dread or self loathing or panic of previous years. In fact the only thing Christmas dinner filled me with this year was turkey and stuffing and brussel sprouts and other such festive foodstuffs. Better than that, I recently managed to EAT OUT IN PUBLIC WITH PEOPLE I HAD NEVER MET BEFORE. Get this – I didn’t just manage it once…. I only went and did it twice. Go me 🙂

As far as weight goes I think I’m getting somewhere. I’m fairly confident that my weight has levelled out at last and I can now go into almost any shop I want and find something that fits me (which is to say I’m normal enough to wear normal sizes which is pretty exciting, when you come to think about it) Every so often I wobble*** but only in a very minor manner and given some of the wobbles I’ve overcome so far I’m not going to worry myself about the minor things in life.

I suppose I could have summed up all of the above by saying ‘on a scale of one to mental I’m not very mental at all’ but I felt like setting it all out in black and white to remind myself how well I’m doing and how far I’ve come. I know that some of my readers are having a hard time with themselves at the moment, and I also know that they probably don’t think that it’ll ever get any better. The thing is, you have to keep on doing the right things, even when the right things don’t seem to be helping because eventually it will slot into place and the right things will lead you out the other side. To borrow a phrase from a much esteemed fellow blogger…… There is hope.

Meanwhile in other news I didn’t mention that I officially LOVE being back at work not least because I can blog in my (late) lunch hour. Nothing else to report today save that Mr Hilarious accidentally bought his daughter a psychotic hamster for her birthday and has some very impressive scars to prove it.

Cheerio for now

Lots of love from WeeGee xoxoxox

*Just in case you don’t, WeeGee loves a routine very much

**Yes – I do think of us as two separate entities. You’re allowed to do things like that when you’re mental

***Like when a pair of size six trousers are a bit tight for me. Which is ridiculous and I know it.

Posted in Recovery?

What went so horribly right?!

SERIOUS POST ALERT. This post contains not one single hilarious joke. You have been warned….

It’s funny the way things change isn’t it? I’ve written so many posts trying to figure out what went so badly wrong after one of my ‘bit of a disasters’ and now I find myself writing in an attempt to work out what went right.  So – what did go right? The answer really surprised me and I think it’s going to surprise you too – because the answer is I did. Yep, that’s right, WeeGee finally worked out how to get it right and then went straight ahead and did it. How about that then?

Some people think that those experiencing mental health difficulties are ill, and others are of the opinion that they aren’t. For my own part, I lean heavily towards the illness theory if for no other reason than that sufferers can’t stop themselves from experiencing the difficulties in the first place. At the same time, I am of the firm opinion that mental health difficulties are not exactly the same as physical illnesses – primarily because when you become physically ill you are reliant on science, medicine and other people in order to get better; when you are mental you are reliant on yourself to get better –  if you want to recover you have to hunker down and make sure you recover. Sure you might need a bit of science and medicine and you are DEFINITELY going to need other people but none of those things can fix you. The problem is in your head, and in your thoughts and ultimately you are the only person who can fix it. This by the way is the most valuable thing I have learned in the last two years.

Here are just a few of the other valuable lessons I have learned:

·         The only way to deal with a bereavement is to let yourself grieve until you are ready to stop

·         There is only one place for the past and that is in the past which is not the same thing as saying memories don’t matter

·         If you let somebody hold you together you will fall apart when they stop being there to hold you together

·         Forgiving someone isn’t the same as accepting what they did was okay

·         Sometimes you have to stop just so that you can start again

·         Letting go isn’t the same as not caring

·         Keep on keeping on, because eventually you start keeping on without even realising you are doing it

·         I can write a whole blog post without saying something daft*

I leave you with one of Mr Wise’s favourite sayings which goes ‘You can’t change your circumstances until you change the way you feel about them’ It’s taken me 33 years to figure out how very wise that actually is and I don’t plan on forgetting it any time soon

Lot and lots of love (and please can you all keep keeping on) from WeeGee xxxxxxxx

*Actually I can’t. Here’s a little story for you: So – I’m at work, everybody is in this afternoon so the office is pretty packed and very quiet. And I go to leave the room, and my dear friend Mr Hilarious shouts the following across the room “WEEGEE! ARE YOU GOING TO THE TOILET** which I was, so then everybody knew I was going to the toilet*** and then when I was coming back from the toilet a small boy child**** said “Okay, now I’m confused – you walked up there and then you just came back again” And then I had to tell him I had been to the toilet as well…..

**I still don’t know why he needed to know

***I did of course enquire as to whether anyone wanted me to do one for them while I was there because I’m hilarious like that

**** I don’t know what the small boy child was doing there either

Over and out xoxoxox