Posted in About today

The hardest word

First of all I CANNOT BELIEVE that I have used an Elton John reference as the title of a post on How do you eat an elephant? It’s okay though, you can rest assured that you shall find no YouTube clip below……

I recently had cause to apologise to somebody because something I did hurt their feelings. I didn’t mean to hurt their feelings and I didn’t like doing it at all but I have learned that sometimes hurting people is inevitable. The thing about feelings is that they change and sometimes they change in ways that other people didn’t want them to and that, I guess, is when people start getting hurt. Anyway – I hurt somebody’s feelings and tried my best to tell them how sorry I was but they didn’t want to hear about how sorry I was and that made me sad. It also made me realise that ‘sorry’ isn’t the hardest word of all because the hardest word for a lot of people seems to be ‘forgive’ I spend a fair bit of my time thinking about forgiveness. Mr Wise thinks I forgive too easily and it gets me into trouble – maybe he’s right but to me forgiving people too easily is a bit like ‘being too kind’. I’m not entirely convinced that it’s a problem.

I should mention that I’m having a really rotten time of it at work at the moment. There’s a lot of ‘stuff’ going on and bombs keep exploding and everybody is so scared of Mrs Scary New Boss Lady that they’re convinced they’re going to get the sack every time a bomb goes off. Yesterday’s bomb had my name written all over it, which was unfortunate, because I was also partly responsible for Monday’s bit of a disaster. I appear not to have received my P45 today which is a good thing but it’s still slightly stressful. Whilst I’m on the subject I’ve got a top tip for you:

WeeGee’s tip of the day: If somebody tells you they have definitely done something that you suspect they might not have done…. Don’t take their word for it.

I’m beginning to wonder if I went back to work too soon. I suppose there is the argument that I’m just taking on too much at work, but I don’t have much of a say in my workload (owing to Mrs Scary New Boss Lady). This makes me think that the job I’m doing is not the right job for me which makes me very sad indeed because when it’s not all stressful and explosive I love my job and the people I work with. It also makes me scared because I’m not sure what I would actually do if I stopped doing what I do at the moment.

Anyway, today is rubbish because I feel guilty and work is stressful and because I’ve got a hole in my shoe. However, I am very definitely hanging on in there because life is good and  I have things to look forward to and  tomorrow will come around. And because I won’t always have a hole in my shoe…..

Lots of love from WeeGee xxxx

Posted in About today

How do you date twenty five people at once?

It’s been a funny old day in WeeGee land today. I am still very poorly but I am also a bit bouncy and enthusiastic which is a strange combination because it makes you do silly things like wearing an outfit you bought to go to  a wedding to work and feeling a bit over dressed for the rest of the day…..

I didn’t fancy a re-run of yesterday’s adventures in not boring yourself to death when you are poorly at home so I decided I might as well go into the office to try and not bore myself to death there instead. It’s actually quite easy not to bore yourself to death in the office on a Friday when everybody is in a good mood and therefore more susceptible to join in when WeeGee bounces around being distracted and generally hilarious. Much fun was had in the office this afternoon and I kept forgetting I was poorly, which was nice. We also decided what’s going to happen next in Homeland* and which one of the IT Crowd is most likely to buy an ipad mini even though they’ve already got a pad, pod and phone and every other gadget going – the conclusion was Mr Hilarious, by the way and that is exactly why Mr Hilarious is my best friend in the world bar none.

What next? Oh I know….. I had a particularly amusing search engine term yesterday which I thought I’d share: “how do you date 25 people at once?”. In the off chance that person comes back to my blog in an attempt to find the answer I’m going to point it out to them: YOU DON’T. THE END. Whilst we are on the subject of online dating here are my top tips for the day:

  • It is never, ever, socially acceptable (not even on the Interweb) to say the following to a stranger ‘hey there WeeGee can you tell me how fab your tits are?**’
  • If you’ve never met me and you call me ‘darling’ I will take an instant and irretrievable dislike to you***
  • If a guy sends you his number and the only thing you can think of to store it as is ‘Nick the perv’ you definitely don’t want to store it

I think that’s about it from an online dating point of view – although I should point out that I met a magician recently. As in a real life actual person who goes to work as a Magician every day. How cool is that?

Now for a small serious section

I’ve been having a few little worries to myself recently – not the big “I’m so worried I’m going to jump off something tall so I don’t have to worry anymore” kind of worry, but you know what I’m like with worrying so I thought it was the kind of thing I should talk through with Mrs Mountain. Mrs Mountain reliably informed me that most of the things I am worrying about are the things that NORMAL PEOPLE worry about anyway. Which was nice. She also pointed out that if you’ve spent two years wanting to climb up a tall thing just so you can jump off it it’s natural to be a little frightened by the thought you might actually like to climb up a tall thing just for the sheer hell of it – and that made a lot of sense to me.

We also did a bit of boundary checking today what with boundaries being one of the things I’ve been having a little worry about. My usual problem with boundaries is setting them too narrow so that nobody can get anywhere near me – I know about narrow boundaries and how to sort that out. What I don’t know about is boundaries that are too wide, and I suppose I was worried that the current attack of the bouncy and enthusiastics might have set my boundaries too widely and was giving too much of myself away. Anyway, we came to the conclusion that probably isn’t the case because I’m not ending up anywhere I feel uncomfortable and also because I know that I get to set my own boundaries and that’s the end of that.

The end of the small serious section

Meanwhile in other news I will shortly be going home to be poorly which sucks because everybody else in the whole entire world is going out to eat, drink and be merry and I’m quite bouncy so I’d like to do a bit of that too. Instead I am going home to eat healthy red, green and brown stuff, and then cuddle up with Gryff and watch Have I Got News For You. Rock and roll. Nothing else to report today save that…. Did I mention I am poorly?

Lots of love and awesome things from WeeGee Still McSickNote xxx

*If what we’ve decided is going to happen doesn’t happen I am going to be VERY DISAPPOINTED

**Because everybody knows that the correct terminology when addressing a lady such as myself is ‘breasts’. That is A Joke, by the way

***Most other affectionate pet names are acceptable apart from maybe sweet cheeks, I’m not keen on that

Posted in About today

Moaning Minnie

Today it feels like the sky has fallen in. Sometimes that just happens doesn’t it? There you are, rumbling along quite nicely when Boom! It’s all dread, and regret and sadness and boo bloody hoo again.

There was only one thing that I wanted to do today and that was hide. I didn’t want to see anybody, or talk to anybody and I especially didn’t want to spend three hours of my afternoon meeting with 8 gigantic arseholes who were all a little too fond of the sound of their own voices.

Still – you don’t always get what you want. In fact, sometimes what you get is the exact opposite of what you wanted and the only thing you can do is suck it up.

What is it with people in meetings? I have a (very sensible) rule in meetings that goes something like this: If I don’t have anything to say I won’t actually say anything. As an additional rule if I agree with what someone says I simply say “I agree” instead of repackaging the exact same thing in my own arse-holey words. If everyone were to adopt these rules I would spend considerably less of my time in meetings. AND SO WOULD EVERYONE ELSE.

Whilst I’m on a little roll I’m going to have a moan about ‘pre-meetings’. That’s a meeting you have to discuss what you’re going to talk about at the meeting because apparently, that’s the best use of everybody’s time. Unbelievably there’s a new thing creeping in which is the ‘pre, pre-meeting’. This is where you discuss what you are going to talk about in the pre meeting so that you know what you are going to talk about in the meeting-before-the-meeting.

If we ever get to the stage of the pre, pre, pre-meeting I expect I shall jump out of a window (I’ll tie the ridiculous amount of meeting related paperwork cluttering up my desk to my ankles just to make sure)

I’m a little bit tired and a little bit grumpy today as well as a bit boo hoo. Can you tell?

Anyway. I’m home now so I should be able to fit in a good few hours of hiding. Which is nice. I’m supposed to be cooking some complicated Thai salmon/coconut thing but I’m not sure I’ve got the energy for something quite so adventurous. I might do my variation on Jamie Oliver’s Thirty Minute Meals instead. It doesn’t take as long as thirty minutes actually:

Toast bread/Heat Beans/Add Cheese. Done*.

Meanwhile in other news I’m trying to decide whether I want to watch Homeland online or wait until next week when it’s on in the UK anyway. Nothing else to report today save….. No. There really isn’t anything else to report today.

Lots of love from WeeGee

 

 

*I suppose it should’ve been ‘pukka’ what with ‘done’ being Gordon Ramsay’s catchphrase and all. But if I’d said pukka I would have had to poke myself in the eye and I’ve got enough face related injuries for the time being.

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

Learning lessons

Where to begin? I suppose I should start with the story of the last few days which can be summarised thusly: ‘the good, the bad, and the downright shitty’. As I write I am somewhere between bad and downright shitty which although not ideal is a whole lot more ideal than just plain downright shitty….

I’m currently signed off from work owing to the downright shittiness that descended on Sunday morning. Being off work is an unusual state of affairs for me and I’m not entirely sure how I feel about it. All I know is that I got to Monday morning (somehow) and it became blindingly obvious to me that I couldn’t carry on going on the way I was going on. My GP and my employer agreed.

Thankfully, it’s a short term ‘rest’ rather than long term sickness. I think a period of long term sickness would drive me mad (ho ho). I’m expected and expecting to be fit to return to work next Tuesday on a ‘phased return’, which would probably be a bit extreme were it not for the extent of the downright shittiness that has been upon me. By the way I’m not going to tell you about the downright shittiness – I’m hoping you will take my word for it: it was DOWNRIGHT SHITTY SHITTINESS for a little while there.

It’s tough enough for anyone to admit that they aren’t coping, but I manage to make it double difficult on myself, because coping is the only thing I do well: whatever the horror in my head, however low I go I make it my priority to function because I don’t want to let people down. I don’t want people to make allowances, or worry about me, or (to be honest) know how bad things have really got for me.

Trouble is that’s pretty much the same as pretending and you can only play make believe with your broken brain for so long….

In the end, for me it came down to a simple choice. Take a break, and go back to work in stages or find myself being a gibbering wreck, probably in hospital and definitely unable to work for a considerable amount of time. As tough as it’s been to say ‘Help!’ and ‘I need to stop’, I feel like I’m doing the right thing and taking care of myself (possibly for the first time in my life)

So I finally said it – in no uncertain terms: things are bad and I can’t cope. Truth told, I already feel like I’m coping better just for having said it. I don’t have to be ‘strong’ all of the time or rather perhaps I’ve misunderstood ‘strength’. I suppose you could call it a lesson well learned.

Lots of love,

WeeGee xx

Posted in About today

Expectancy, excitement, crying, a mad rush, more crying, even more crying and a dilemma (with the potential for more crying): A day in the life of WeeGee

What can I tell you?

I woke up with this strange feeling of expectancy and the feeling has stayed with me all day. I can’t explain in better than that I just feel like something is going to happen – I don’t know if it’s a good something or a bad something, and to be honest, I don’t think I mind much. Something is better than nothing, right?  Of course, I don’t claim to have any kind of psychic powers, in fact, I’m not at all convinced that such a thing exists so who knows where this feeling of expectancy is coming from. Mr Hilarious suggested that it’s probably indigestion* and I can’t argue with him since I’ve never actually (to my knowledge) had indigestion to know what it feels like…..

Anyway, Kingston was buzzing with Olympic excitement again this morning as the torch made its way down the river from Hampton Court and under the Kingston Bridge. I headed down to the river like the dutiful citizen that I am and I have to admit it was a little bit exciting. The thing you have to bear in mind here is that I am possibly the most cynical person in the world when it comes to things like that, so me saying it was a ‘little bit exciting’ means you can probably multiply up by a factor of at least a million to get the idea. Everyone was all happy and smiling and friendly and it felt like being on holiday in the friendliest place ever. I liked it. A lot.

Whilst I was down at the river I bumped into some of the gang from work so I didn’t end up watching a big boat with a big flame floating along the river all by myself which was a bonus. In the end, all things considered, I think a good time was had by all – even if the Riverside cafe had run out of bacon by the time we got to the front of the queue meaning that we had to content ourselves with pastries which were nice, but not quite as nice as bacon butties would have been.

When the boat actually went passed I got a bit caught up in the moment and the cheering and the friendly holiday atmosphere and found myself…. wait for it…. crying! I don’t know why, it just happened that way. I have to confess that I felt like a proper chump when Mr Hilarious noticed and pointed it out to everyone**. What can you say – I’m a sucker for a big boat with a big flame – get’s me every time?!

Work was a mad rush not to leave any major catastrophes for someone else to deal with because as of tonight I am on leave for two whole weeks. Woop woop! The timing is lousy given some of the things I’m working on at the moment, but it was a case of use it or lose it and I decided that I really didn’t want to lose it because that equated to working for free. I love my job but you do have to draw the line somewhere.  I got everything done and I don’t think there are any ticking bombs with my initials on anywhere, but if there are, and they go off I won’t be around and I almost don’t care!

Aside from being a mad rush it was also a sad day at work because one of my fellow ‘seniors’ in the Finance, Planning, Resources and Compliance Team*** left today. It’s always sad when someone moves on but it was especially poignant for me today as this person started on the same day as me so we’ve always kind of stuck together. The thing is, we work well together but we’re not especially close so I wasn’t expecting be so sad to see her go that I was moved to tears during the leaving presentation and I certainly didn’t expect for us both to blub like babies as we hugged goodbye. It’s funny how things catch you off guard sometimes isn’t it? Anyway, the main point is that I don’t cry at work, because I’m a professional like that. Today was a great big major exception and I don’t plan on a repeat performance anytime soon even if I do still feel a bit sad about it now. Boo hoo.

As I write I am trying to figure out the following dilemma: is WeeGee going to go to a party?  I don’t like going to parties which means I never go to parties. Not going to parties because you don’t like them is all well and good, but never going to parties is totally rubbish. I can manage one small party where I know almost everyone can’t I? But I’m a bit emotional today so what if I have a little drink and turn into the crying girl at the party. No-one likes a crying girl at a party, especially if the crying girl is a) WeeGee and b) mental….. I said I would go. I don’t want to let people down. I want to go. I don’t want to go. Oh F……. iddlesticks.

Before I sign off I should let you know that the brain is still broken, but the brain and I had some words and it seems to be giving me a little bit of peace for now.

That is all.
Love from WeeGee who is going to a party. Who isn’t going to a party. Who might be going to a party xx

*Because he’s hilarious like that

**Because he’s also hilarious like that

***That’s FPRC if you are in the know

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

Mixed up things

If I knew where to start with this post it would probably have a better opening line. But I don’t know where to start, so that’s as good as it gets. Sorry.

Before I go any further, I should probably say (for the benefit of my British readers) the only thing that British people have said to one another for days now – WHAT IS IT WITH THIS WEATHER?* On reflection, that might have been a better opening line….

Before I go even further, I should definitely say that this is not going to be a nice organised, beginning middle and end kind of post. I’m just going to open up my brain and spill it out for your reading enjoyment. Who was it that said “you’ll like this but not a lot”? Oh yes, it was Phil Daniels (ageing magician not ageing mod). Anyway – what he said. Definitely not a better opening line.

It’s all got a bit mixed up in WeeGee land. Everything’s jumbled up and messy and I don’t know what to feel about anything. There’s probably going to be a me shaped explosion some time very soon** I suppose a mixed up exploding brain is the price I’m going to pay for all that thinking I was talking about in my last post. Note to self: do not think. Ever again.

For a start, my brain is a bit mixed up. It can’t seem to decide whether it’s flat and empty, a bit jittery, full of the horrors, or contemplating jumping my body off a tall building. If I knew which one it was going to do from day to day I could make a plan, but it’s a bit of a moveable feast right now and the plans aren’t working. It’s becoming a bit tedious to be honest.

Then there’s work which is possibly the most mixed up thing of all. Work is my refuge: it’s the only normal thing left, I swear to god. Except it’s not normal anymore – I’ve got three huge projects*** some particularly unhelpful colleagues and one specific senior colleague who is paid double what I am but appears to need me to do her job for her. I don’t say that in a big headed kind of way, but I can’t say too much more not least because I wrote the ‘Acceptable Use of Social Media Policy’ and it would therefore be a bit embarrassing if I was to fall foul of it.

Then there’s my heart which has gone massively wrong. I know that the heart is just a muscle, but I hope you will know what I mean and forgive the scientific inaccuracy. For ages I’ve been walking around with all the nonsense in my head and consoling myself with the part of my heart that had a little flag pinned to it which said ‘last hope for WeeGee’. Well now, my last hope ‘gone done’ a bunk. So now what? Is it just broken brain all the way?

Finally there’s the other part of my heart which ‘cares too much’, is ‘too kind’ and which ‘takes everything to heart’. As far as I can tell, these are the things that people say to you when they’ve been shitty to you but they want to make it your fault. Nevertheless apparently I’m doing it wrong again so I’ve got yet more stuff to figure out even though I was mixed up enough to start with….

In conclusion? Pfft.

WeeGee xx

*For those of you not in the UK – there’s some kind of apocalyptic rain thing going on. And I have to mention it because I’m British and talking about the weather is in my genes.

**When it comes I hope a)It doesn’t make a mess because I can’t stand a mess and b)that it doesn’t frighten the cat because he’s skittish at the best of times

***Three big projects being two too many even if you’re not mental.

Posted in About today

Down with the kids

I’m a little lacking in inspiration today. Truth told, I’ve been a little bit lacking in inspiration all weekend which is why I’ve had nothing to say for myself. Everything’s feeling flat and empty for me at the moment, like someone stole my brain and replaced it with cotton wool. I bet you can’t wait to read this one.

What can I tell you about this weekend then? I have continued to wake up at ridiculous o’clock, in fact, I’ve now seen 4am 4 days running. Sadly I haven’t been leading the kind of rock ‘n roll life that statement might imply – it’s more a case of being up with the mentals than being down with the kids. How life changes…. The thing about four o’clock in the morning is that there isn’t actually anything to do. I guess that’s why most people have the good sense to be asleep. Still, to put a positive spin on it I have used the time wisely and read the Internet. All of it.

Who knows what this waking up at ridiculous o’clock is all about. I guess it must be the medication which is also causing me to have some particularly vivid dreams – I feel like it really happened, and it’s mundane enough to have really happened so at the moment I have this odd sensation that I can’t be sure what actually happened. Does that make sense? Anyway, as far as I can tell I appear to be achieving a whole new level of dementedness that I didn’t even know existed.

Did I mention that the jitters have mostly passed? Well they have. The only time I ‘go a bit weird’ now is when someone creeps up on me, which happens reasonably often. It’s not that people are in the habit of deliberately creeping up on me, it’s just that I work in a very long office with my back to the door so people often appear without me noticing them on the approach. And then I jump right out of my skin and squeal in a comedy fashion. Nevertheless I’m glad to be mostly rid of the jitters  – I find that being flat and empty is much easier to manage than all that bonkers jittery stuff.

Saturday was a gruesome day for me. I spent the evening teetering on the edge of the cliff thinking about jumping off. I think my brain is trying to murder me which is a royal pain in the backside because I don’t especially want to be dead. Gawd only knows what I’ve done to deserve this from something which, by rights, should be fairly attached to the idea of me not being dead but there you go. The main point is that I didn’t wake up dead on Sunday so I make that Wee Gee: 1 Brain: 0. Round two will doubtless follow at an unspecified interval. Pah!

Sunday was about putting things back together after Saturday, buying a replacement hairdryer after my existing went pop and started making a horrid burning smell and watching a soccerball match that I didn’t care about because a) I’m Scottish and b) I just didn’t.

It’s Monday today and Project Rubbish has kicked off in more ways than one. Turns out The Man Who Knows is not the project sponsor and he does not like it one bit, primarily because he is The Man Who Knows who knows everything about everything. He’s sulking and refusing to talk to anyone at the moment which makes this whole working together thing difficult to achieve. What a giant arsehole. He is so getting a poke in the eye some time soon.

Meanwhile in other news I think somebody lied to me on Saturday – a pause before an answer and then a comment later on that didn’t stack up. This person had no reason to lie to me and, more to the point, I have no reason to care that they lied to me but they did lie and I do care which means I have to work out how I feel about it. I hate having to work out how I feel about stuff.

I’ve nothing further to add today save that I haven’t included a single asterisk in my post which is a shame. I’ve tried to remedy it, I really have, but I’m coming up with zilch. I guess that’s just the kind of day it is today.

Tatty bye

Wee Gee x

Posted in Moving forwards

You don’t have to be mad to work here

Throughout the ups and downs of my illness I’ve always managed to keep myself in work or study and this is something I’m actually quite proud of (which is pretty big in itself, because I don’t say things like that very often). In saying so I don’t mean to cast any aspersions whatsoever on those with similar difficulties who can’t manage work during their bleak times. Perhaps I just count myself lucky that things have never got quite so bleak for me.

Work is incredibly important to me, both professionally and personally. In terms of the struggles I’ve had with myself working has had a huge role to play. Being at work brings shape and focus to the disorder; it gives me a reason to get out of bed, paint a smile on my face and laugh at the (not always) hilarious office japery; most importantly of all, it provides company in an otherwise lonely place. Being at work is part of my strategy for making sure I never unravel completely no matter what’s going on.

As noted in previous instalments, during my recent ‘bad patch’ I started carrying some of my chaos to work with me. This was the first time that had happened and was a big cause for concern. So much so, that I began to wonder whether it was time to do something I had never considered before and let my employer in on my secret. It seemed like a sensible idea. I was reaching out in every possible direction to put in place as much support in place as I possibly could (which is exactly the right thing to do). At the same time, the decision to tell an employer something like that about yourself is huge and not one that should be undertaken lightly.

Suffering from depression is nothing to be ashamed of, let’s be quite clear about that. At the same time, it is a private matter (said whilst blogging, I see the contradiction) and certainly not an easy thing to disclose to colleagues. People have a variety of views and opinions about mental health difficulties, and there is still a considerable amount of stigma attached. I knew that I worked in a good place with good people but still felt there was something of a risk associated with discussing my problems in the workplace.

In the end I weighed up the risks and balanced them up against the risks associated with the place that I was heading to – essentially becoming too ill to work. I’ve already mentioned how important the structures associated with working have been to me over the years and in the end I decided that if I had a choice it was something of a Hobson’s choice.

And so, I took deep breath and referred myself to our Occupational Health team. My aim was to ensure that I was well enough and stayed well enough to stay at work. At the same time I sent my sent my referral form to my line manager and the senior manager responsible for my team – it seemed important that I spoke to some of my more immediate colleagues about the practicalities of my day to day work which had become a little chaotic.

Fast forward two weeks and I’m pleased to say that far from taking a risk I absolutely made the right decision. My colleagues have been incredibly supportive without treating me any differently ( a big concern me) and, have been willing to work with me to review my workload and get some support in place to make sure I continue to contribute without becoming overwhelmed.

The fact that you suffer from depression isn’t ever going to be something that you want to shout from the rooftops. At the same time it shouldn’t become a dirty little secret. Support is out there, you do just have to find the courage to start reaching out and taking it.