Posted in About today

Leap and a net will appear

Today WeeGee went on a date with Mr Smiley and WeeGee is pleased to report that a) Mr Smiley is exactly who he appeared to be, b) this is clearly not an elaborate rouse to steal WeeGee’s (non-existent) money and c) WeeGee has not been murdered yet.

I’d love to write more but for now here’s a quick summary…..

  • Number of times WeeGee nearly didn’t get to her date because she was panicking: about a million
  • Number of times WeeGee ‘went a bit shy’ during her date: about a million and a half
  • Number of rubbish things about WeeGee’s date: Zero
  • Number of AWESOME things about WeeGee’s date: Everything else.

Told you I had a bit of a feeling about this….. Leap and a net will appear 🙂

Lots of love from WeeGee xoxoxoxox

 

Posted in About today

Panic on the streets of London*

You know that worrying thing I sometimes do? Well it started to edge towards sheer, blind panic this afternoon and in the end Mrs Sparkle had to say for [really bad swear word] sake’s WeeGee – I’m coming over to keep you company before you panic yourself to death or something  and in the meantime can you please not panic and cancel your date?

To be fair I haven’t been panicking all day – in fact I have spent most of the day feeling perfectly content being by myself keeping myself company. Which is nice. I had a little wander along the river to Kingston and enjoyed thinking how much nicer the river is when you’re not thinking about jumping into it. I also started to realise that I am becoming increasingly irritated by grown women wearing those stupid hats with ears and a face on them. I know it’s supposed to be sweet and endearing, but it isn’t. It looks slightly ridiculous**

I rambled quite happily around the shops in Kingston.*** The thing about both living and working in a place is that if you go out at the weekend you bump into loads of people you work with. Sometimes it’s a bit irritating, but today I had a FAB time saying hey to all the work people including ‘Mrs I’ve no idea what your name is or what you do but I’m going to say hey anyway because I vaguely recognise you from work’. It was the first time in a long time, perhaps even ever, that I thought to myself ‘well this is nice – I belong here’

The panicking started growing when I got back when I realised it was nearly Saturday night which meant it was nearly Sunday morning which meant I was nearly going to meet Mr Smiley IN THE REAL WORLD. I’d love to do one of my little lists of all the things I’ve been panicking about but there is simply not enough space in the blogosphere for that….

Anyway, Mrs sparkle is here now**** which is good because a) every time I panic she says ‘don’t panic’ b) she brought chocolate and c) she has volunteered to be in charge of making the tea. It is bad because she is a) FORCING me to watch X Factor***** b) insisting on reading out a load of POINTLESS horoscope compatibility things and c) not actually that good at making the tea.

Meanwhile in other news we still can’t make up our minds between the plain black dress, the one with flowers on it or the one with birds on it. Nothing else to report save that although I am a little panicky it’s actually quite a good panicky

Lots of panicky but not in a bad way love from WeeGee xxxxxx

PS – wish me luck

*I thought a Smiths song as a title would make up for the Elton John one I did earlier in the week. Am I all cool again?

**Of course, if you own such a hat it doesn’t look ridiculous on you. It’s just all the other people who look ridiculous

***Resisting the strong urge to sort people’s poppies out for them. How can you not know that a poppy goes on the left hand side with the leaf pointing to 11 o’clock? How can WeeGee resist so many OCD tendencies?

****It might sound rude to be blogging when I’ve got company, but in my defence Mrs Sparkle is currently using up my Internet to stalk people on Facebook and poke them and fling sheep at them and stuff. Or whatever it is the kids do on facebook nowadays

*****I’ve just watched four small boy children singing about fixing people and I’d quite like to puke now if it’s all the same to you

Posted in Little things that made me smile

Holy Swearword!

I had a bit of a ‘holy swearword moment’ this morning. I woke up*, got out of bed: morning Gryff, morning Sean** flipped the kettle on and headed for the shower. When I was in the shower I thought ‘ooooh I wonder what’s going to happen today?’ and started having a nice little daydream about all the things that might happen. Which is when I had my ‘holy swearword moment’…..

So you know I’ve spent the last five months of my blog going ‘boo hoo, woe is me, I hate myself and everything is pointless?’. Guess what’s happened now? I’ve only gone and worked out what the point is.

I don’t know what’s going to happen today AND THAT IS THE WHOLE POINT. Things are going to happen – good things, bad things, weird things, funny things and all sorts of other things and WeeGee is going to be right there in the world finding out what things are going on.

How exciting is my holy swearword moment?

I was bursting to share that with you, but I’ll be back later to fill you in on the gossip.

Lots of love and a little bit of gratuitous swearing (but not out loud because Rhio doesn’t like it) from WeeGee xxx

 

 

*Early again which I LOVE

**Sean W Keavney of Six Music fame***

***Bet you thought I’d got a new man for a minute there didn’t you? Hey – I’m good at online dating but I’m not that good 😉

 

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

Okay is okay

I thought it was about time I did a little update, but before I come to that there’s a point of order to attend to….

My name is WeeGee, I’m proper mental and I write a blog about how bonkers I am. My head is full of lunacy, insanity and nutty stuff – in fact, it would be fair to say that I’m as mad as a box of frogs. For the avoidance of doubt I am a whack job, psycho, off my rocker, crazy mentalist. Oh, and just to be completely  sure you know what I’m about: I’m a double freaky weirdo loony.

So that’s the point of order taken care of and that’s all I have to say about that. The end.

Now for a little update…..

All things considered I’m doing okay at the moment. I might even be doing more than okay, but I don’t want to tempt fate so I’ll stick with okay. Okay is okay, right?

So I went back to work on Monday after a brief ‘rest’. I’m working part time at the moment which is good for two reasons. Reason 1) it’s good to ease yourself back in to things. Reason 2) working part time is just good full stop.

The good news is that the doom and the gloom seems to have lifted a bit and I can feel something that might just be optimism setting in. Sure there are a few things swimming around in my head that threaten to bite me on the bum at some unspecified point in the future, but whilst they’re not actually biting me I might as well ignore them. There’s no point worrying about them until they actually bite and you never know your luck, they might never do any biting – they might just go away.

I’m putting myself back together and making some little plans. I’m leaving some stuff behind. I’m doing okay. And everything is okay. Which is okay.

Lots of love from WeeGee xxx

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in Moving forwards

We’re all doomed

Don’t worry, we’re not really. Doomed that is, well at least not as far as I know. To be fair, if we were all doomed I’m pretty sure the powers that be would get in touch with someone important (like the Pope) or wise (like the Dalai Lama)* rather than me….. Moving swiftly on before I get myself into trouble.

All kinds of things ‘hold me back in life’. Some of the things that hold me back feel insurmountable at times and I know I have to hold on tight, work hard and keep my head if I’m ever going to deal with them. And that’s fine. I know what my goals are.

At the same time, some of the things that hold me back aren’t so huge and I know that the answer to overcoming them is entirely in my gift. Like for example, the fact that I’m shy.

There you have it. I’m shy and I lack confidence but (and here’s the thing) that’s not because I’m mental. It’s a simple character trait. Sometimes, when you’re mental it’s too easy to forget that you have a ‘personality’ at all – everything gets bound up with your difficulties whether it belongs there or not.

When my mental tendencies get mixed up with my shyness I start to think that I’M DOOMED. Except of course, I’m not doomed. I’m just a bit** mental and a bit shy.

As I said – I’m working on the mental health stuff but there isn’t a magic wand and I just have to keep plugging away. What I tend not to remember is that I have to work on the shyness stuff too – there isn’t a magic wand for that either, but then again I can at least put my mind to it.

So, in light of that, I spent this afternoon deliberately doing things I don’t like doing because I’m shy. That’s deliberately…. as in, on purpose. I stand by my assertion that this is nothing to do with being mental!

Shyness is, in some ways, a little bit like mental health difficulties: everybody experiences it slightly differently even though it has a common name. For me, the biggest part of my shyness is the ‘fear’ that I will ‘look’ foolish. It’s a bit like anxiety, but not quite… sometimes I get anxious and I know how that feels, but most of the time I’m shy and I know how that feels too.

In order to avoid looking foolish I avoid situations where ‘I don’t know what I’m doing’, or where I feel ‘conspicuous’. This means I hardly ever do anything new. It also means that I don’t do some really simple things that I’m perfectly capable of doing, and for that matter, enjoying.

Here’s what I’ve been up to this afternoon

1. Inviting Mr Friendly to dinner even though I was scared he would think it was a stupid idea and that I would end up feeling foolish.

2. Going into a brand new coffee shop, purchasing a beverage and drinking it there even though I had never been in there before and was scared everyone would look at me because I was on my own.

3. Wandering around the boutique type shops in Surbiton even though I had never been in them before, had no money to buy anything and was scared everyone would think I didn’t belong there.

4. Using the coinstar machine in the supermarket even though I thought I might not be able to work it and that everyone would look at me and think I was a fool.

5. Buying an ice lolly on the way home AND EATING IT IN PUBLIC on my own

It seems like a pretty small list of achievements I guess doesn’t it*** but I don’t care, because I decided I was going out of my comfort zone just because I could if I tried. And I did it. And I had a pretty okay day all things considered.

Lots of bravery and love from WeeGee xx

*Did you see what I did there?!

**Okay – a lot mental

***Oh no, am I feeling foolish now?!

Posted in Poetry

Another poem what I wrote

 

Here is another poem what I wrote:

Sad summer’s trading

Sooner or later I will drown
In your memory.
You will forget the hooked
Nose of my profile,
The giddy sleepless chatter
Of our first year,
Even my laughter which
Fooled no-one.

I will fade behind all that your
Eyes are yet to fix on.
Become a different continent
As far away as home.
And if I come to the surface
I will be the kind of sad summer
That your memory must
Trade with time.

 

©WeeGee 2012. All rights reserved.

 

Posted in Poetry

A poem what I wrote

Here is poem what I wrote….

Looking back to Lisbon

Memories of those days still swirl and fill

The blank square of my time.

You and me, side by side in summer clothes.

The unhappy shape of our lives,

Melting away, too briefly.

You and me unhappy – but somehow content.

 

Memories of those days filled with what I miss

Not what was, but what will never be.

You and me, side by side, somewhere new.

The unhappy shape of our lives,

Chased away, at last.

You and me content – and looking back to Lisbon.

©WeeGee 2012. All rights reserved.

Posted in About today

WeeGee goes to a party

So. I went to a party. Here’s what happens when WeeGee goes to a party.

1. When she realises that she can’t remember the last time she went to a party she will enter a state of sheer panic. What does one wear to a party? Should I take a gift? Why am I going to a party – I hate parties? What if I cry? What if I make a fool of myself?

2. Taking into account the aforementioned panics plus at least a trillion others WeeGee will decide she is definitely not going to go to a party.

3. However, when she receives a text from the person who is hosting the party saying ‘no worries if you can’t make it tonight. Have a nice evening’ she will decide to go to the party after all because she’s sick of proving everyone, including herself, right.

4. Whilst on the way to the party WeeGee remembers the ‘gift panic’ and makes a detour via waitrose where she spends a stupid amount of time trying to decide whether to take wine, flowers or chocolate.

5. When WeeGee decides she can’t decide whether to take wine, flowers or chocolate she will decide to take all three in order to overcome the problem.

6. However, when she gets into the queue to pay she decides taking all three is ridiculous and has to surreptitiously  dump the flowers and chocolate before reaching the till.

7. Upon arriving at the party WeeGee feels like an idiot and has to try very hard not to cry, or puke, or both.

8. When WeeGee realises she spent so long faffing about in Waitrose that she missed SIR FRANK TURNER PLAYING AT THE OPENING CEREMONY WARM-UP she feels like an idiot and has to try very hard not to cry, or puke, or both*.

9. (And this is the big one) WeeGee doesn’t cry, puke, or spontaneously combust, in fact she doesn’t even have a terrible time at the party.

10. WeeGee wonders why she doesn’t go to parties more often.

Lots of love WeeGee, party animal!

*Everytime I remember that I missed SIR FRANK TURNER PLAYING AT THE OPENING CEREMONY WARM-UP I still feel like an idiot and have to try very hard not to cry, or puke, or both.

Posted in Poetry

Don’t laugh

I am about to post a poem. It’s a poem what I wrote.

I write a lot of poems. I spend weeks of my life tweaking them until I’m happy and then I place them in a box full of stuff.

Every so often I go through the box full of stuff and throw all the poems away. I don’t know why…..

Crocodile tears

You always were reptilian – cold blooded,
Treacherous and extremely dangerous to know.
A three chambered heart,
Sealed off but beating

Beating behind a row of heavy carbon teeth.
You stretch out sinister smiles,
Marble eyed and perfectly still,
Summoned and unreal.

You coerce tears watching as their sharp edges
Gather in the deep dark pools
You tend like a garden.
Unforgiven, you do not forgive

There you go then. A poem what I wrote and put in a box. But now it’s on my blog and I can’t throw it away!

WeeGee xx

©WeeGee 2012.

This post does not fall under the terms of the Creative Commons Attribution Non Commercial share alike licence. All rights reserved.