Posted in Welcome to my world

Hiding. It ain’t all bad…..

Here we go again then, eh? September’s over and done with for another year and I’m still here, putting one foot in front of the other, managing to survive and wondering how I keep on managing to pull it off……

Last month was all about going easy on myself, and, to a certain extent, letting myself get away with things that I wouldn’t otherwise let myself get away with. But that was last month – this month is all about taking hold of the boot straps and pulling myself back up as best as I can.

I’m still feeling remarkably short of time mostly, I think, because my brain is busy. Generally speaking, I prefer a busy brain. I have a fear of what I have come to know as ‘spare brain’ because when my thoughts aren’t gainfully occupied they tend to wander off in dark directions. This, I think, is why I’m at my happiest when I’ve got lots of different projects on the go.

At the same time, every once in a while I find my brain getting a little too busy what with this project and that project and the other project and A MILLION AND ONE IDEAS and a couple of obsessions thrown into the bargain. Looking at it with my sensible head on, I think I have a tendency to over compensate during ‘difficult’ times because I’d do anything to avoid the ‘spare brain’ thoughts taking over. In the end of course, I overwhelm myself with all the ideas, or run out of energy, or more usually, I get overwhelmed and exhausted at the same time.

Of course recognising that this is happening is more than half the battle won because when you can see what’s going on you can take steps to stop the bad stuff coming down the tracks. As it stands, I know I’ve been a little over focused on distracting myself from, well, myself, for the past month. I’ve detached myself from much of the real world and I’ve connected myself with as many activities as I could manage to care about. On the one hand it worked because here I am – safe and well and not lost in misery. On the other hand it can’t go on forever because, whichever way I look at it, I know I can’t hide forever.

I’ve learned that hiding has its place: sometimes, in fact, it’s going to be the only thing for it. I wasn’t ready for the anniversaries that September brought, nor was I ready for the heartache that came with them. Hiding was a better response than unravelling or jumping off an impossibly tall thing. Hiding was the right thing to do LAST MONTH. But last month is over now and I have to stop hiding because I really didn’t ought to be making a habit of it.

That’s my long and rambling way of saying that things dipped into a strange and not entirely healthy little hole for a little while there. But there was a good reason, and I’m letting myself have a little dip because its way better than a ginormous dip that ends with me deciding jumping out the window is a good idea. For now it’s all about building my routines back up, and getting my connections back in place and looking after myself. Because everything is easier when you look after yourself…..

Meanwhile in other news I had my hair cut this weekend which confused Mr Awesome Thing Number Five because he genuinely couldn’t understand why I was delighted that it looked EXACTLY the same as it did before. Nothing else to report save that I have recently fallen in love with this guy’s songs and, since I can’t stop raving on in real life I might as well rave on here. Check it out – it’s beautiful:

Hope you’re all fine and dandy. Thanks for reading my ramble of a post. I’m working up to something more coherent, promise.

Love you all lots like jelly tots

WeeGeexoxoxo

Posted in About today

All the things

The eagle eyed amongst you have probably noticed a sudden glut of posts here on How do you eat an elephant? I don’t know what’s gotten into me all of a sudden although I must confess that hitting the five hundred follower mark has spurred my blogging mojo on a little* It’s also fair to say that I’ve got time on my hands at the moment mostly because I went into super organised mode and I’ve pretty much packed the flat up two days ahead of schedule. This is a remarkable feat of achievement, particularly when you consider that I’m always spectacularly late. For EVERYTHING.

late

Anyway…. it turns out milestones are catching because after discovering my little blog had 500 followers the other day we’ve only gone and reached another. This post here, the one you’re reading right now is post number 250. This is another remarkable feat of achievement by the way because it means that blogging wasn’t just another of my many passing obsessions. Two years ago I started something AWESOME that I’m still doing today which, given the way my brain usually works, is pretty AWESOME in itself.

20140605-160823-58103670.jpg

So. To celebrate all of these milestones I’ve decided that it’s time we shook things up a bit. Of course How do you eat an elephant? is, and always will be, primarily about WeeGee’s adventures in being a mental person. But there’s an awful lot more to WeeGee and I think it’s about time those things got a look in too. To be honest, I’m thinking I might take a leaf out of Mental Mama’s book** with some regular features and one or two writing challenges***. I think it’s also time I shut my other blogs down and brought all of the content under this one umbrella: brace yourselves for recipes, food porn, book reviews and the occasional political rant.

20140605-160837-58117163.jpg

It’ll be great, sorta like How do you eat ALL the elephants…… Who’s in? Oooooh. Which reminds me: anyone out there interested in guest posting here. I think that would be a lot of fun…..

Anyway. I’m pretty sure this is going to be my last post before the move**** and possibly for a while because I’m going to have NO INTERNET for a couple of days*****. What can I say? I’ll see you on the other side. It’s going to be AWESOME.

Love you all lots, like jelly tots.

WeeGee xoxo

*I’m still super excited about that.
**Y’all know the Mama, right?
***But not the Daily Post. Definitely not the Daily Post.
****Fuckity fuck this is actually happening.
*****Please pray for me.

 

 

Posted in About today

Thank you from the very bottom of the bottom of my heart

One day in April 2012 I decided to start a blog. I called it ‘how do you eat an elephant?’* and I had no idea WHATSOEVER how much it would come to mean to me.

When I started writing I was in a pretty bad place and I was trying to find a way – any way – to put my life back together. Here’s the thing…. 26 months later and I’ve managed to put my life back together and them some. In your face my broken brain: IN YOUR FACE.

Blogging has taught me all kinds of things – perspective, and how to be engaged, and how to reflect on the things in my head. Starting my blog has been the single best thing I’ve ever done for my mental health. Ever, ever, ever. I’d recommend it to all of the mental people….

Anyway – it’s late and I don’t have an awful lot to say apart from the fact that I woke up this morning to discover that FIVE HUNDRED whole people have clicked the follow button on my blog since I started writing.

500 followers

FIVE HUNDRED!

So yeah, thank you to each and every one of you from the very bottom of the bottom of my heart. I’m feeling very proud of myself tonight, and very grateful to each and every one of you for your support. My favourite thing about blogging is all the wonderful, super, brilliant and AWESOME people I’ve been lucky enough to get to know because of it. That’s you lot, by the way. So thank you, lots of love and hugs and…. did I mention you are AWESOME?

blogging5

Normal service will be resumed shortly….

Love you all lots and lots like at least a million jelly tots

WeeGee xoxox

 

*Bite by bite

Posted in About today

Because it was there

Today I have mostly been thinking about how far I’ve come since this time last year. When I think back to how I felt, and I how ill I actually was in March 2012 it’s tempting to come to the conclusion that I’m a different person altogether…

It was a fairly standard Sunday in WeeGee land – brunch with Mr Brave, a good long run, a chit chat with Mrs Sparkle, and making French onion soup with a bit of soccer ball in the background for good measure. It’s hardly rock and roll but when you compare it to curling up in a teeny tiny ball wishing you were dead you have to admit it’s a pretty damn sweet life I’ve got going on for myself now.

Even the setbacks don’t feel too much like setbacks anymore. When rubbish things happen now I recognise that although they might make me feel sad they are little more than the ‘contingencies of life’ and that whatever you think, or however you feel, life will keep going on so long as you’re prepared to let it. I wish I could pinpoint the moment when I decided that all this living stuff was for me, but I can’t; it just kind of crept up on me.

This week has been and gone now. It was a fairly solemn week what with one thing and another but IT WASN’T THE END OF THE WORLD. This week was just another week where things, and stuff and what not happened and where WeeGee faced up to it all and said I STILL WANT TO BE ALIVE THANKS ALL THE SAME.

More than anything this week I feel like I’ve suddenly realised that this is what recovery feels like. It isn’t perfect – sometimes I get sad, sometimes I cry until I can’t cry anymore, sometimes I wish there was a stop button and sometimes I just want to hide. But most of the time I’m still out there, doing my little thing and climbing that impossibly tall mountain that goes by the name of life.

WeeGee: intrepid and fearless mountaineer.

HUGE ginormous hugs from WeeGee xoxoxox

Posted in Moving forwards

And now for something completely different….

Evening folks.

Today I decided it was time to put some of those grand plans I’ve been making in my head into action, because I’ve been sitting on my backside doing nothing for too long and I’m bored of sitting on my backside doing nothing and the only way to remedy that is to get up and get on.

I’m proud of How do you eat an elephant? I like what I’ve achieved here, and what we’ve done together and I think we’re all pretty damn AWESOME so I figured we might as well tell a whole different world about how AWESOME we are.

Ladies and gentlemen….. I give you How do you eat an elephant? on Facebook:

http://www.facebook.com/HungryElephant

I really hope you’ll head across and join me because I promise we’re going to have a whole lot of WeeGee shaped fun over there. It’s going to be an AWESOME and hilarious little place, where everybody is welcome and hugs are available on tap. Not only that – there’s even a PRIZE for follower number one…..

Go on. You’ll never know what you’re missing unless you try it.

Lots and lots of love (and I’m going to feel a bit foolish if no-one comes to the party) WeeGee xoxoxoxoxo

Posted in Reasons to be cheerful

Would you like a hug?

I think there’ll be two posts from me today because I’ve got things to tell you about but I’ve also got an important announcement to make and I don’t want it all mixed up in one post because that wouldn’t be very tidy at all now would it?

I’ll go with the important announcement first.

Are you ready?

Pause for WeeGee to clear her throat in a ceremonious fashion…….

Sometime last week I achieved the impressive milestone of my 200th post on How do you eat an elephant? Not bad for a part time blogger who was completely MENTAL for the first seven months, eh?

An awful lot has happened since I first sat down to write last April. Granted, some of it has been pretty bad, but on reflection I can’t help but thinking that most of it has actually been pretty damn good. I’ve come an awful long way and – WEEGEE IS ABOUT TO BE A BIT SENTIMENTAL WARNING – I just wanted to say that I really don’t think I’d have got to where I am without the support of my WordPress friends. You really are an AWESOME bunch who I’m very, very lucky to have bumped in to. Thanks so very much, I love you all, and if anyone would like a hug they can definitely have a WeeGee shaped one today.

I promise not to come over all sentimental and unnecessary again until my 300th post or one year blogging anniversary (whichever comes first).

Catch you later, Love from WeeGee xoxoxoxox

Posted in About today

Ignore me – I’m a lunatic

You know my last post? Well you can ignore that one already because broken brain isn’t getting away with that one. I liked my little hope and I’m keeping it whether the brain likes it or not.

The very lovely Ellie AKA the Anxious Elephant nominated me for the ‘very inspiring blogger award’ which was good of her not least because her blog is awesome. I’ve had that one before* so I’m not going to re-accept but I thought I’d half take part by telling you seven things about myself . That’ll be good fun eh?

Seven things that WeeGee did today

1. WeeGee realised she was having the annual swollen tonsils event and thought ‘what a pain in the backside that is’.

2. WeeGee got all bundled up in her new hat to go to the doctors but soon realised she didn’t need her new hat because it wasn’t actually that cold and she was too hot to start with anyway. This is me in my new hat** which I share with you because it’s new and I haven’t had any compliments yet. Yes. That was a hint.

3. WeeGee finally got to the end of The Thick of It and realised that Mr Friendly was right when he said it peaked at episode five. Which annoyed her because now she can’t have an argument about it with him.

4. WeeGee spent the afternoon trying to complete her mission to read the whole of the Internet. She hasn’t quite managed it yet but her preliminary review is that some of it is good but most of it is RUBBISH

5. WeeGee spent a lot of time wondering how she hadn’t discovered Good Old War on spotify before because they are AWESOME

6. WeeGee had a little bit of a wobbly boohoo moment but was okay in the end

7. WeeGee decided that she was going into work tomorrow even if she dies in the night because being poorly at home is BORING

Told you it’d be fun 😀

Lots of love from WeeGee McSickNote xxxxx

*I must be very inspiring or somefink!

**I’m not actually smiling – that’s my ‘I’m very poorly’ brave face

Posted in Reasons to be cheerful

Crazy Kid

I had lentil soup for breakfast this morning. I didn’t really fancy any of the more usual breakfast items and I had lentil soup in the fridge. What can I say? That’s how much of a crazy kid I am…..

Over the weekend I’ve learned quite a few lessons about online dating. Here are just a few of them:

  • The internet dating world is a lot like the real world – most people are nice although there is a small proliferation of idiots
  • When someone offers to show you their rock polishing kit you should probably spot the potential for euphemism before you respond
  • When someone asks ‘do you like coffee’ they don’t actually want to know the long and boring story about how you gave up drinking it in 2010

Beyond that I can only really say positive things about my experience so far. I’ve spent my time chatting to some sweet and interesting people who I’d never have met in real life, which is really nice. It’s also rather good for one’s self esteem – what with people telling you’re pretty or attractive or even (get this) gorgeous! It perks you up a bit, even though you know they’re only saying it because that’s the kind of thing they have to say.

I do have a couple of small worries so far:

Small worry number one: I’m not entirely sure that my ‘how to spot a serial killer in a chat room’ radar is properly perfected. I mean – how do you ever really know?*

Small worry number two: That WeeGee thing of ‘getting all attached to people’ is already kicking in. I’m not attached in a scary clingy way; more in a I like you which means I’ll think about you from time to time and care about you and stuff. Much like how I feel about my blogging buddies I guess. Still – I need to be careful in the online dating world because not everyone cares as much as I do and sometimes my feelings get hurt.

The only other thing to say about my online dating experience so far is that not everybody gets my sense of humour. I KNOW! In all seriousness it is interesting to note that there are generally two kinds of people in the world: the earnest people and the flippant people. I definitely fall into the latter category and I’m not great at making conversation with people in the former.

Anyway – I’m determined to be ‘me’ which means I’m not going to be taking myself too seriously. So what if my profile is a bit light hearted? So what if I don’t have twenty ‘getting to know you questions’ lined up**? So what if not everybody ‘gets’ me? After all if somebody doesn’t get me we’re probably not going to have any fun and what’s the point in that?

So yeah. Online dating. Good for a giggle so far….

Meanwhile in other news it is now twenty days since I last had a noticeable attack of the mentals*** and I bought the wrong Pearl Drops toothpaste over the weekend. I’m telling you that because the toothpaste I inadvertently bought is bright pink. Pink! What kind of colour is that for toothpaste****? Nothing else to report today save that I am seriously considering going home and having breakfast cereal for lunch….. Told you I was a crazy kid today!

Ta ta for now

Love from WeeGeexxx

 

 

*I suppose the only conclusive proof would winding up dead in a ditch. Which seems a little extreme and deeply unfortunate

**I’d rather have a little ramble around our heads and see where we end up – you know: like how normal conversations work

***I’m not counting the day I was wearing squeaky shoes and it drove me MENTAL

****Unless you’re a small child

Posted in Welcome to my world

I’ve really gone and done it now

I’m going through a bit of a phase at the moment – I keep doing things that I’ve been meaning to do for ages and then wondering why on earth I hadn’t done them before. I suppose the obvious answer is that if I had tried to do these things before I wouldn’t have been strong enough to see them through. Still, I’m enjoying rediscovering how easy it is to get back to yourself when you’re ready too. If I’m honest I’m a bit worried about what happens when I come off my medication – I can’t stay on it forever after all. Still, that isn’t going to happen for a long time which means it’s a worry for another day.

During my quiet night in last night* I took something of a leap of faith and decided to sign up for – wait for it – an online dating site. Yep. That’s me. On an online dating site. Oh my word! Gawd only knows what I’m trying to achieve – to be honest it doesn’t feel too bad so far although I found myself at a loss for words when someone asked if they could buy me a coffee**. Eeeek!

I suppose I felt like it was time for me to move on. I’ve been in mourning for Mr Friendly for more than two years now. For all that time I’ve kept the notion that one day he would work through whatever he is working through and decide that I was the one for him firmly in my heart. I guess it might happen one day – but equally it might not. In fact, if I weigh up the facts over the feelings it’s more likely not to happen than to happen.

So it’s over to the outside world. I’m under no illusions and to be honest if I meet the man of my dreams on the Interweb I’ll eat my hat or somefink. But you never know –  I might come across some interesting people and make a few friends along the way.

Eeeek! The WeeGee is on an online dating site. I’ve really gone and done it now……

Lots of love WeeGee xxx

*Which was so lovely I’ve decided to have another one tonight

**And not just because I don’t like coffee!

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

Quiet night in

Gryff hasn’t been over the moon about my recent adventures in having a social life so, after a busy week, I’ve decided it was about time I spent some time with him. I’ve been looking forward to it all day which is kinda strange because I’ve been more in the habit of dreading evenings where I don’t have anything to do* whereas now it just seems like a nice quiet night in with the cat…… Plus I’ve got about three million hours of soap operas to catch up with along with a further three squillion blogs to read so the time will be spent wisely.

It’s been an action packed week what with work – where I am now back to full time hours and loving it again – and me being all out and about doing stuff. I’m pretty exhausted to be honest and feel like I need some time to myself now. I guess that’s some more lessons: the diary doesn’t have to be completely full to ‘prove’ I’m okay and fancying a bit of time to yourself is fine because it’s entirely different from hiding.

I’m still not completely sure of the next step for How do you eat an elephant? I want to keep it up, but I’ve always thought about it as a blog about being mental. I suppose I could just write about the random stuff that goes in my head because at the end of the day it’s usually a bit mental  – it’s just not mental mental if you see what I mean? For now I suppose I’m just going to update on an as and when basis and see where that takes me. Taking things as they come eh? Go me! I have felt bad about being slightly absent here on WordPress for a while and I’m trying (in vain at the moment) to catch up keep up with my reading. I’m sure once I’m settled into my new routines I’ll get better although I do have to say that you lot are a fairly prolific bunch!

Nothing else to report today I’m afraid – I’ll fill you in on the details another time.

Hope you are doing okay

Love from WeeGee xxxx

*Which has been most of them of late