Author: WeeGee

Posted in Recovery?

What went so horribly right?!

Posted on by WeeGee

SERIOUS POST ALERT. This post contains not one single hilarious joke. You have been warned….

It’s funny the way things change isn’t it? I’ve written so many posts trying to figure out what went so badly wrong after one of my ‘bit of a disasters’ and now I find myself writing in an attempt to work out what went right.  So – what did go right? The answer really surprised me and I think it’s going to surprise you too – because the answer is I did. Yep, that’s right, WeeGee finally worked out how to get it right and then went straight ahead and did it. How about that then?

Some people think that those experiencing mental health difficulties are ill, and others are of the opinion that they aren’t. For my own part, I lean heavily towards the illness theory if for no other reason than that sufferers can’t stop themselves from experiencing the difficulties in the first place. At the same time, I am of the firm opinion that mental health difficulties are not exactly the same as physical illnesses – primarily because when you become physically ill you are reliant on science, medicine and other people in order to get better; when you are mental you are reliant on yourself to get better –  if you want to recover you have to hunker down and make sure you recover. Sure you might need a bit of science and medicine and you are DEFINITELY going to need other people but none of those things can fix you. The problem is in your head, and in your thoughts and ultimately you are the only person who can fix it. This by the way is the most valuable thing I have learned in the last two years.

Here are just a few of the other valuable lessons I have learned:

·         The only way to deal with a bereavement is to let yourself grieve until you are ready to stop

·         There is only one place for the past and that is in the past which is not the same thing as saying memories don’t matter

·         If you let somebody hold you together you will fall apart when they stop being there to hold you together

·         Forgiving someone isn’t the same as accepting what they did was okay

·         Sometimes you have to stop just so that you can start again

·         Letting go isn’t the same as not caring

·         Keep on keeping on, because eventually you start keeping on without even realising you are doing it

·         I can write a whole blog post without saying something daft*

I leave you with one of Mr Wise’s favourite sayings which goes ‘You can’t change your circumstances until you change the way you feel about them’ It’s taken me 33 years to figure out how very wise that actually is and I don’t plan on forgetting it any time soon

Lot and lots of love (and please can you all keep keeping on) from WeeGee xxxxxxxx

*Actually I can’t. Here’s a little story for you: So – I’m at work, everybody is in this afternoon so the office is pretty packed and very quiet. And I go to leave the room, and my dear friend Mr Hilarious shouts the following across the room “WEEGEE! ARE YOU GOING TO THE TOILET** which I was, so then everybody knew I was going to the toilet*** and then when I was coming back from the toilet a small boy child**** said “Okay, now I’m confused – you walked up there and then you just came back again” And then I had to tell him I had been to the toilet as well…..

**I still don’t know why he needed to know

***I did of course enquire as to whether anyone wanted me to do one for them while I was there because I’m hilarious like that

**** I don’t know what the small boy child was doing there either

Over and out xoxoxox

Posted in Reasons to be cheerful

Leaps and bounds

Posted on by WeeGee

I went to see my GP before work this morning and it’s official: I am ‘coming on in leaps and bounds’. How EXCITING is that?! Unfortunately, my excitement was slightly tempered when I arrived at work and Mr Hilarious said ‘what have you done to your hair – it looks like you’ve got a comb over?’ and I had to spend ages wandering around to see if anybody had any hair straighteners because I did indeed look like I had a comb over……

Anyway – This is just a short post to let you know I’ve decided that I quite like coming on in leaps and bounds. It’s nice getting to know yourself again after all that time in hiding; it’s nice getting up and going about the days without once wishing you were dead; it’s nice taking care of yourself without having to even think about doing it; most of all it’s nice to laugh naturally in response to something funny instead of forcing yourself to join in because ‘laughing is what the normal people do’.

I’m still trying to be gentle with myself and keep up my routines and thinking tricks because I’m not taking any risks at this point. Plus, every so often a mental thought pops up and I act on it and I know I need to work on that. Most of the mental thoughts involve WeeGee getting a bit scared when she remembers people always hurt you in the end* and responding by pulling away and closing the boundaries down. That’s rubbish for me and rubbish for the people close to me because they think everything is swimming along nicely so end up feeling confused. I’m also conscious that thoughts of food are louder than they’ve been for quite a long time. I’ve responded by making new meal plans and banning myself from running until the thoughts have gone away. The main thing is I have responded – and that’s one of the reasons I know I’m coming on in leaps and bounds.

Lots of love from WeeGee xoxoxoxox

*Which isn’t actually true. Some people have hurt me in the past, but people might not hurt me in the future

Posted in About today

Lucky pants

Posted on by WeeGee

After two very rubbish days at work I decided there was only one thing for it: lucky pants. They appear to have done the trick because today is very definitely not going to be a rubbish day at work.

I received my summons to Mrs Scary Boss Lady’s office this morning and after much faffing around under my desk to find some suitably high footwear (more about my footwear shortly) I attended Boss Lady’s office and explained, as I was required to, what had gone wrong. And then Mrs Scary Boss Lady said something I really wasn’t expecting her to say: These Things Happen. Maybe she isn’t so scary after all…..

It’s my dad’s birthday today, so I was thinking about him as I made my way to work in the autumn sunshine. I was thinking about his last birthday, when he turned sixty and WeeGee was mental and had a rotten time trying to drag herself through all the surprises and excitement and general jolly stuff. I wish it was his big birthday this year because then I would be able to enjoy it with him. Anyway – you can’t turn back time, and maybe the main thing to take from my thinking is quite how far I’ve come.

There is an air of happiness and hilarity in the office today. Everyone has got over the explosions and definitely have their eyes on the weekend. Mr Hilarious is on top form today. He greeted me by saying ‘feel how cold my banana is’ whilst pointing a banana at me in the fashion of a gun*. Of course, I didn’t rise to his lewdness but I did feel his banana and can confirm it was very cold indeed. He’s also just asked me to ‘sniff his lunch box’ which suggests that one of the main outcomes of the online dating experiment has been everybody thinking I have turned into Barbara Windsor or somefink.

Here are a few more thoughts about online dating by the way:

  • Hints don’t work very well in the online dating world and you sometimes have to resort to YOU ARE SCARING ME NOW. PLEASE EFF RIGHT OFF
  • Some people appear to be looking for ‘anybody’ rather than ‘somebody’ which makes me feel sad
  • If you are going to choose a user name like Mr Cool, or Trendy Guy or Eligible you should probably think long and hard about whether you’re going to be able to pull it off

I’ve got another post about online dating planned although I might decide to turn it into a PhD instead – Boy Meets Girl: Gender Politics in the Online Dating World….. Anyway – the main thing to say about my online dating experiment is that it’s on hold pending a trip to the Science Museum on Sunday** and ***

What next? Oh yes, I was going to tell you about my shoes. After yesterday’s hole in the shoe incident I decided I was going to be very particular about my foot wear today. So – I was rooting about trying to find a pair of shoes that could be added to a suit that would be quirky enough to make it feel like I wasn’t actually wearing a suit**** and I found a pair of shoes I’d never worn before. I’d never worn them because I wasn’t quite sure about them but couldn’t put my finger on why I wasn’t quite sure of them.

Anyway I went with the shoes on a whim. As the morning dragged on I decided to go and visit the IT Crowd because I fancied a small skive***** I walked into the office and said ‘hey IT Crowd I’ve come for a skive’ and one of the IT Crowd said ‘Hey WeeGee – why are you wearing your slippers?’ And then I realised why I wasn’t quite sure about my shoes.

Meanwhile in other news I tried really hard with my asterisks today in an attempt to reclaim the blog asterisk world record from Ellie the Anxious Elephant but alas – I did not succeed. Never fear though Ellie, I will try again soon because I consider myself to have been challenged! Nothing else to report today save that I Is Back Init?!

Lots of love and hugs from WeeGee xxxx

*Which reminded me of my favourite comedy Family Fortunes answer ever. “We asked 100 people something you can do with a banana” Genuine top answer: give it to a monkey?!

**First date to the Science Museum – how cool is that?

***That’s the one you’ve got your fingers crossed for

****I don’t always wear a suit but decided I’d rather receive a telling off in a suit because then it wouldn’t really be me getting told off it would just be me doing an impression of somebody wearing a suit getting told off

*****Because every self respecting (occasional) skiver knows that’s the best place to skive because it’s good fun and  even if you get caught you can just make up a couple of acronyms beginning with V and then talk about scalability and stability and stuff and nobody is any the wiser

Posted in About today

The hardest word

Posted on by WeeGee

First of all I CANNOT BELIEVE that I have used an Elton John reference as the title of a post on How do you eat an elephant? It’s okay though, you can rest assured that you shall find no YouTube clip below……

I recently had cause to apologise to somebody because something I did hurt their feelings. I didn’t mean to hurt their feelings and I didn’t like doing it at all but I have learned that sometimes hurting people is inevitable. The thing about feelings is that they change and sometimes they change in ways that other people didn’t want them to and that, I guess, is when people start getting hurt. Anyway – I hurt somebody’s feelings and tried my best to tell them how sorry I was but they didn’t want to hear about how sorry I was and that made me sad. It also made me realise that ‘sorry’ isn’t the hardest word of all because the hardest word for a lot of people seems to be ‘forgive’ I spend a fair bit of my time thinking about forgiveness. Mr Wise thinks I forgive too easily and it gets me into trouble – maybe he’s right but to me forgiving people too easily is a bit like ‘being too kind’. I’m not entirely convinced that it’s a problem.

I should mention that I’m having a really rotten time of it at work at the moment. There’s a lot of ‘stuff’ going on and bombs keep exploding and everybody is so scared of Mrs Scary New Boss Lady that they’re convinced they’re going to get the sack every time a bomb goes off. Yesterday’s bomb had my name written all over it, which was unfortunate, because I was also partly responsible for Monday’s bit of a disaster. I appear not to have received my P45 today which is a good thing but it’s still slightly stressful. Whilst I’m on the subject I’ve got a top tip for you:

WeeGee’s tip of the day: If somebody tells you they have definitely done something that you suspect they might not have done…. Don’t take their word for it.

I’m beginning to wonder if I went back to work too soon. I suppose there is the argument that I’m just taking on too much at work, but I don’t have much of a say in my workload (owing to Mrs Scary New Boss Lady). This makes me think that the job I’m doing is not the right job for me which makes me very sad indeed because when it’s not all stressful and explosive I love my job and the people I work with. It also makes me scared because I’m not sure what I would actually do if I stopped doing what I do at the moment.

Anyway, today is rubbish because I feel guilty and work is stressful and because I’ve got a hole in my shoe. However, I am very definitely hanging on in there because life is good and  I have things to look forward to and  tomorrow will come around. And because I won’t always have a hole in my shoe…..

Lots of love from WeeGee xxxx

Posted in Moving forwards

Bumps in the road

Posted on by WeeGee

I thought I’d start today with a huge, massive and very public thank you to one of my very favourite blogging buddies who did an awesome job of helping me get myself pointed in the right direction again last night. I love the fact that I can have a shocker of a day and someone who I have never met will pop up and say ‘Hey WeeGee here are loads of hugs and let’s have a little chat about what’s going on and see if we can’t figure it out’ And then we have a little chat and pretty much figure it out. The Internet is AWESOME and so is Bourbon who writes a brilliant blog and is mental health blogging royalty in my book….. Love you loads, Bourbon xxxx

As far as yesterday is concerned here is what I have to say: Dear Yesterday, I’m glad you’re over with because you were rubbish. Please can you never darken my door again? Lots of love, WeeGee

Today I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out what went so badly wrong yesterday. Here’s what I’ve figured out so far:

  • I was tired, under nourished and poorly
  • I was disappointed that I couldn’t see my parents especially because it was my fault because I was unwell
  • I was looking forward to seeing my parents because I was all better and enthusiastic and I wanted them to know they had their daughter back after everything she had put them through
  • I was beginning to feel a bit overwhelmed by online dating
  • As to whether I had disappointed anyone – it occurred that other people’s feelings were nothing to do with me and things always turn out of the best in the end
  • All of those things made me vulnerable and I’m not very good at being vulnerable

When I got up this morning I decided that I wasn’t going to talk to anybody that I didn’t want to. I think I’ve been being a bit too polite about talking to people recently. I think the point I’m making that Mr I’m Very Probably Normal is all well and good but Mr I’m Very Probably Awesome is where I’d rather spend my time. There aren’t very many of them at all, so it isn’t overwhelming and all is well again.

I spent most of today doing AWESOME things like running all the way to Hampton court and then realising I had to run all the way back as well because I’d missed the river boat and there were no trains and then spending a few pretty perfect hours teaching Little Miss Hilarious how to make pom poms* Little Miss Hilarious is awesome because a) she dishes out the best cuddles in the world, b) she takes learning how to make pom poms so seriously that she asks her daddy to write down all the steps for her so she doesn’t forget and c) she gets to the end of her visit and says ‘why are you wearing that outfit? Which was hilarious because I was indeed in strange attire** but adults would be too polite to mention it and what’s wrong with a bit of honesty

As for this evening I shall be watching strictly come dancing. I hope that you thought I am far too cool for that kind of thing and you’d be absolutely right because I only watch it in an ironic way…..

The headline today is that yesterday was little more than a bump in road and I’m back on track again now thank you very much

Huge massive hugs and loads of love to make up for yesterday WeeGee xxxxx

*I think that Mr and Mrs Hilarious could have figured out how to do this themselves and the visit was purely to make sure I wasn’t totally mental. Which is cool

**In my defence, I wasn’t expecting company

Posted in About today

Never laugh again

Posted on by WeeGee

I’m not having a good day and I’m sorry I’m to be sharing this kind of post with you again but I need to talk to somebody and everybody is busy so you guys get the pleasure of a sobbing WeeGee.

I can’t believe what a difference a day can make – bouncing around laughing one day and filled full of nothing the next. I was supposed to bounce around for a while and then settle down nicely. Why does my brain never do what it’s supposed to?

Today I have mostly hated myself for the following reasons:

  • I’ve been living on complan for two days now because my appetite disappeared when I was sick and every time I tried to eat something I got the ‘refeeding horrors’
  • I think I disappointed somebody so much that they don’t like me anymore. This makes me sad because you know all that bouncing around trying to make people laugh I do? Well I mostly do that because I kind of need people to like me.
  • I have come to the conclusion that I am far too mental to even think about getting to know people who didn’t know me before I was mental which puts a bit of a spanner in the all new WeeGee works
  • Mum and dad couldn’t come to visit today because WeeGee was sick and WeeGee’s mum can’t be around sick people
  • I answered the phone to Mr Friendly so that I could be reminded how  utterly inadequate I am as a human being

To be honest I could write a much longer list of all the things I hate about myself but those are the main ones and I’ll leave it at that.

Right now I am sobbing. I’m sobbing for everything – for the last two years of my life, for all the things that will never happen, for all the emptiness there is to come.

…… And if somebody could tell a joke about now that would be just super because it feels like I might never laugh again.

I can’t send you any love today because there isn’t any of that in my heart

WeeGee x

Posted in About today

How do you date twenty five people at once?

Posted on by WeeGee

It’s been a funny old day in WeeGee land today. I am still very poorly but I am also a bit bouncy and enthusiastic which is a strange combination because it makes you do silly things like wearing an outfit you bought to go to  a wedding to work and feeling a bit over dressed for the rest of the day…..

I didn’t fancy a re-run of yesterday’s adventures in not boring yourself to death when you are poorly at home so I decided I might as well go into the office to try and not bore myself to death there instead. It’s actually quite easy not to bore yourself to death in the office on a Friday when everybody is in a good mood and therefore more susceptible to join in when WeeGee bounces around being distracted and generally hilarious. Much fun was had in the office this afternoon and I kept forgetting I was poorly, which was nice. We also decided what’s going to happen next in Homeland* and which one of the IT Crowd is most likely to buy an ipad mini even though they’ve already got a pad, pod and phone and every other gadget going – the conclusion was Mr Hilarious, by the way and that is exactly why Mr Hilarious is my best friend in the world bar none.

What next? Oh I know….. I had a particularly amusing search engine term yesterday which I thought I’d share: “how do you date 25 people at once?”. In the off chance that person comes back to my blog in an attempt to find the answer I’m going to point it out to them: YOU DON’T. THE END. Whilst we are on the subject of online dating here are my top tips for the day:

  • It is never, ever, socially acceptable (not even on the Interweb) to say the following to a stranger ‘hey there WeeGee can you tell me how fab your tits are?**’
  • If you’ve never met me and you call me ‘darling’ I will take an instant and irretrievable dislike to you***
  • If a guy sends you his number and the only thing you can think of to store it as is ‘Nick the perv’ you definitely don’t want to store it

I think that’s about it from an online dating point of view – although I should point out that I met a magician recently. As in a real life actual person who goes to work as a Magician every day. How cool is that?

Now for a small serious section

I’ve been having a few little worries to myself recently – not the big “I’m so worried I’m going to jump off something tall so I don’t have to worry anymore” kind of worry, but you know what I’m like with worrying so I thought it was the kind of thing I should talk through with Mrs Mountain. Mrs Mountain reliably informed me that most of the things I am worrying about are the things that NORMAL PEOPLE worry about anyway. Which was nice. She also pointed out that if you’ve spent two years wanting to climb up a tall thing just so you can jump off it it’s natural to be a little frightened by the thought you might actually like to climb up a tall thing just for the sheer hell of it – and that made a lot of sense to me.

We also did a bit of boundary checking today what with boundaries being one of the things I’ve been having a little worry about. My usual problem with boundaries is setting them too narrow so that nobody can get anywhere near me – I know about narrow boundaries and how to sort that out. What I don’t know about is boundaries that are too wide, and I suppose I was worried that the current attack of the bouncy and enthusiastics might have set my boundaries too widely and was giving too much of myself away. Anyway, we came to the conclusion that probably isn’t the case because I’m not ending up anywhere I feel uncomfortable and also because I know that I get to set my own boundaries and that’s the end of that.

The end of the small serious section

Meanwhile in other news I will shortly be going home to be poorly which sucks because everybody else in the whole entire world is going out to eat, drink and be merry and I’m quite bouncy so I’d like to do a bit of that too. Instead I am going home to eat healthy red, green and brown stuff, and then cuddle up with Gryff and watch Have I Got News For You. Rock and roll. Nothing else to report today save that…. Did I mention I am poorly?

Lots of love and awesome things from WeeGee Still McSickNote xxx

*If what we’ve decided is going to happen doesn’t happen I am going to be VERY DISAPPOINTED

**Because everybody knows that the correct terminology when addressing a lady such as myself is ‘breasts’. That is A Joke, by the way

***Most other affectionate pet names are acceptable apart from maybe sweet cheeks, I’m not keen on that

Posted in About today

Ignore me – I’m a lunatic

Posted on by WeeGee

You know my last post? Well you can ignore that one already because broken brain isn’t getting away with that one. I liked my little hope and I’m keeping it whether the brain likes it or not.

The very lovely Ellie AKA the Anxious Elephant nominated me for the ‘very inspiring blogger award’ which was good of her not least because her blog is awesome. I’ve had that one before* so I’m not going to re-accept but I thought I’d half take part by telling you seven things about myself . That’ll be good fun eh?

Seven things that WeeGee did today

1. WeeGee realised she was having the annual swollen tonsils event and thought ‘what a pain in the backside that is’.

2. WeeGee got all bundled up in her new hat to go to the doctors but soon realised she didn’t need her new hat because it wasn’t actually that cold and she was too hot to start with anyway. This is me in my new hat** which I share with you because it’s new and I haven’t had any compliments yet. Yes. That was a hint.

3. WeeGee finally got to the end of The Thick of It and realised that Mr Friendly was right when he said it peaked at episode five. Which annoyed her because now she can’t have an argument about it with him.

4. WeeGee spent the afternoon trying to complete her mission to read the whole of the Internet. She hasn’t quite managed it yet but her preliminary review is that some of it is good but most of it is RUBBISH

5. WeeGee spent a lot of time wondering how she hadn’t discovered Good Old War on spotify before because they are AWESOME

6. WeeGee had a little bit of a wobbly boohoo moment but was okay in the end

7. WeeGee decided that she was going into work tomorrow even if she dies in the night because being poorly at home is BORING

Told you it’d be fun 😀

Lots of love from WeeGee McSickNote xxxxx

*I must be very inspiring or somefink!

**I’m not actually smiling – that’s my ‘I’m very poorly’ brave face

Posted in About today

Why must I do this to myself?

Posted on by WeeGee

I apologise in advance for this one. I’m afraid it isn’t very cheery. Today I am sad. Actually, I’m not only sad, I feel like somebody tuned out all the lights again….

It started, I guess when I was listening to this song*

And I was having a nice little hope to myself – thinking ‘please, please let me get what I want’ when it hit me. What if I can’t cope with not getting what I think I might want? What if I end up all devastated and bereft and the flat and empties return to torment me for another million years?

So I started to think about doing what WeeGee does when confronted with such situations – I decided hiding was the only option. Instead of waiting to find out if I might get what I want for once in my life I’ll decide I don’t want it. I’ll spend my time forgetting about my little hope and I’ll never find out what might have happened and I’ll head off something bad happening by making sure that nothing good happens.

Why must I do this to myself?

 

*Golden rule of recovery? Don’t listen to the Smiths when you are poorly and sad

Posted in Little things that made me smile

Holy Swearword!

Posted on by WeeGee

I had a bit of a ‘holy swearword moment’ this morning. I woke up*, got out of bed: morning Gryff, morning Sean** flipped the kettle on and headed for the shower. When I was in the shower I thought ‘ooooh I wonder what’s going to happen today?’ and started having a nice little daydream about all the things that might happen. Which is when I had my ‘holy swearword moment’…..

So you know I’ve spent the last five months of my blog going ‘boo hoo, woe is me, I hate myself and everything is pointless?’. Guess what’s happened now? I’ve only gone and worked out what the point is.

I don’t know what’s going to happen today AND THAT IS THE WHOLE POINT. Things are going to happen – good things, bad things, weird things, funny things and all sorts of other things and WeeGee is going to be right there in the world finding out what things are going on.

How exciting is my holy swearword moment?

I was bursting to share that with you, but I’ll be back later to fill you in on the gossip.

Lots of love and a little bit of gratuitous swearing (but not out loud because Rhio doesn’t like it) from WeeGee xxx

 

 

*Early again which I LOVE

**Sean W Keavney of Six Music fame***

***Bet you thought I’d got a new man for a minute there didn’t you? Hey – I’m good at online dating but I’m not that good 😉