Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

Mixed up things

If I knew where to start with this post it would probably have a better opening line. But I don’t know where to start, so that’s as good as it gets. Sorry.

Before I go any further, I should probably say (for the benefit of my British readers) the only thing that British people have said to one another for days now – WHAT IS IT WITH THIS WEATHER?* On reflection, that might have been a better opening line….

Before I go even further, I should definitely say that this is not going to be a nice organised, beginning middle and end kind of post. I’m just going to open up my brain and spill it out for your reading enjoyment. Who was it that said “you’ll like this but not a lot”? Oh yes, it was Phil Daniels (ageing magician not ageing mod). Anyway – what he said. Definitely not a better opening line.

It’s all got a bit mixed up in WeeGee land. Everything’s jumbled up and messy and I don’t know what to feel about anything. There’s probably going to be a me shaped explosion some time very soon** I suppose a mixed up exploding brain is the price I’m going to pay for all that thinking I was talking about in my last post. Note to self: do not think. Ever again.

For a start, my brain is a bit mixed up. It can’t seem to decide whether it’s flat and empty, a bit jittery, full of the horrors, or contemplating jumping my body off a tall building. If I knew which one it was going to do from day to day I could make a plan, but it’s a bit of a moveable feast right now and the plans aren’t working. It’s becoming a bit tedious to be honest.

Then there’s work which is possibly the most mixed up thing of all. Work is my refuge: it’s the only normal thing left, I swear to god. Except it’s not normal anymore – I’ve got three huge projects*** some particularly unhelpful colleagues and one specific senior colleague who is paid double what I am but appears to need me to do her job for her. I don’t say that in a big headed kind of way, but I can’t say too much more not least because I wrote the ‘Acceptable Use of Social Media Policy’ and it would therefore be a bit embarrassing if I was to fall foul of it.

Then there’s my heart which has gone massively wrong. I know that the heart is just a muscle, but I hope you will know what I mean and forgive the scientific inaccuracy. For ages I’ve been walking around with all the nonsense in my head and consoling myself with the part of my heart that had a little flag pinned to it which said ‘last hope for WeeGee’. Well now, my last hope ‘gone done’ a bunk. So now what? Is it just broken brain all the way?

Finally there’s the other part of my heart which ‘cares too much’, is ‘too kind’ and which ‘takes everything to heart’. As far as I can tell, these are the things that people say to you when they’ve been shitty to you but they want to make it your fault. Nevertheless apparently I’m doing it wrong again so I’ve got yet more stuff to figure out even though I was mixed up enough to start with….

In conclusion? Pfft.

WeeGee xx

*For those of you not in the UK – there’s some kind of apocalyptic rain thing going on. And I have to mention it because I’m British and talking about the weather is in my genes.

**When it comes I hope a)It doesn’t make a mess because I can’t stand a mess and b)that it doesn’t frighten the cat because he’s skittish at the best of times

***Three big projects being two too many even if you’re not mental.


24 thoughts on “Mixed up things

  1. ITS SUNNY TODAY!!!! Well at least where I am.
    Remember that post I wrote? I’m not OK, but it’s OK? Could that apply here? You’re not OK, but its OK because you have every right to feel the way you do. I get the whole “you’re too sensitive” thing too, when you are screwed over by someone else. But then I look at myself and think would I rather give too much of a shit or be one of those people who doesn’t give a shit at all? I think I’d rather care too much. All those people who don’t care are probably not worth it as human beings. Compassion is underrated. Even if it is you you are feelng sorry for.
    Love Sailor xoxox
    P.S it was Paul Daniels. I actually met him once and helped perform a magic trick 🙂

    1. I think you’re right. It’s OK to be not okay.

      And I am with you 100 percent. I’d much rather care ‘too much’ (I’m not even sure that’s possible but hey ho) than not give a shit at all.

      There was a bit of sunshine here today, but it’s all back to rainy gloom again now. Thumbs down 😦

      WeeGee xxx

      1. Yeah here too 😦 Started raining at about 4pm. Stupid English weather. Seriously what is it with being English and talking about the weather. I’ll shut up about it now.
        I’m still thinking of global hypercolour t shirts for the mentals though. Last night I came up with colours for each emotion. Seriously I have too much time on my hands!

        1. …. You don’t have too much time on your hands, you have an essay to write 😉

          I still think we’re onto something with the hypercolour mental t shirts. But what would I know? I’m mental :-p

  2. Hey you. Hope you feel less mixed up soon. I know what it’s like when everything is just so overwhelming and threatens to make your whole body implode. And hey dunno about you but I see sun outside my UK window today!!! Shame I’m still too poorly to get out there and enjoy it!! Take care x

  3. I woke up this morning, and there was a big yellow ball in the sky. I forgot what it’s called.
    Then I thought, oh summer must be a Thursday only thing.
    I was starting to consider cosmetic surgery to correct my webbing I now have.
    I live in Wales. There’s a spelling mistake involved here. It should be Whales, because by god it’s wet enough.
    HUGS and nice stuff for the other stuff.
    Good luck with your projects.
    Love. x

    1. Love the way you write 🙂 Have no advice at all except take it all in tiny steps. I think it was Paul Daniels, you know the magician and yes.. WHAT IS IT WITH THE WEATHER??!

    2. It was sunny for a little while here today and then…. more bloomin’ rain. I’m sick of it me.

      I’ve never been to Whales, but I’ve heard it’s wet.


    1. Let’s switch places Wee Gee! We could really use some rain to come cool us all off! It’s sweltering here! (is this the grass is always greener thing? 😉 )

  4. Pat pat. Let’s blame some of it on the weather – seriously, even the ‘normal’ people round here look pale and poorly, and I personally am feeling claustrophobic from never seeing the sky, like being in a house with all the curtains drawn for days on end.

  5. both of you keep your chins up (thats one chin each LOL) i enjoy both your blogs and cant get better at mine without others to inspire me! i will even join your “mental and loving it” gang

  6. I’m just glad to see you back lovely. I thought you’d gone.

    Thanks for caring and for the hug. I love a good hug, me 🙂 Ps.I’ll be okay. I’m the comeback kid!

    1. I thought I had gone too. Talking about being mixed up in the head… Ugh. I’m still a bit mixed up, but I’m at least able to see a little bit more clearly.

      Glad you are able to see the big picture. That’s not always easy for me anyway, especially when I’m really struggling.

      Hang in there. And as you say over there in Brittain, “chin up.” 🙂

      1. I’ll do you a deal. I’ll keep my chin up if you do too?

        Keep posting lovely? Even if we’re both a bit mixed up, it’ll be okay in the end eh?

        Love WeeGee xx

        1. I don’t know if I can post on my blog at the moment. That’s how mixed up I am. But I am ready to read and comment and support others so that’s what I’m gonna try and focus on for now. Honestly I’m not feeling convinced at the moment that it *will* be okay in the end, but perhaps you can think that for the two of us. As far as chins up are concerned, that sounds like a fair deal. I’ll keep mine up as long as you do 😉

          1. A deal’s a deal so chin up matey.

            I know it doesn’t seem that way right now, but I promise it’ll be okay eventually. Sorry it all went wrong with your blog. I’ll miss lots of things about it but most of all I’ll miss your poetry.

            Don’t give up 🙂

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