Tag: Today

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

Okay is okay

Posted on by WeeGee

I thought it was about time I did a little update, but before I come to that there’s a point of order to attend to….

My name is WeeGee, I’m proper mental and I write a blog about how bonkers I am. My head is full of lunacy, insanity and nutty stuff – in fact, it would be fair to say that I’m as mad as a box of frogs. For the avoidance of doubt I am a whack job, psycho, off my rocker, crazy mentalist. Oh, and just to be completely  sure you know what I’m about: I’m a double freaky weirdo loony.

So that’s the point of order taken care of and that’s all I have to say about that. The end.

Now for a little update…..

All things considered I’m doing okay at the moment. I might even be doing more than okay, but I don’t want to tempt fate so I’ll stick with okay. Okay is okay, right?

So I went back to work on Monday after a brief ‘rest’. I’m working part time at the moment which is good for two reasons. Reason 1) it’s good to ease yourself back in to things. Reason 2) working part time is just good full stop.

The good news is that the doom and the gloom seems to have lifted a bit and I can feel something that might just be optimism setting in. Sure there are a few things swimming around in my head that threaten to bite me on the bum at some unspecified point in the future, but whilst they’re not actually biting me I might as well ignore them. There’s no point worrying about them until they actually bite and you never know your luck, they might never do any biting – they might just go away.

I’m putting myself back together and making some little plans. I’m leaving some stuff behind. I’m doing okay. And everything is okay. Which is okay.

Lots of love from WeeGee xxx

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in Little things that made me smile

A little note

Posted on by WeeGee

The second most common search term on how do you eat an elephant? at the moment is this:

Where is my brain?

I kid you not…

From time to time I find myself having a bit of a worry about the person* who has lost their brain so I’ve written them a little note to say hello.

A little note to say hello

Dear Person who has lost their brain,

Hello.

I’m truly sorry that you have lost your brain. My own brain has a habit of disappearing every so often so I know how you are feeling. Would you like a hug?

Here’s the thing though. I don’t know where your brain is. Believe me – I’m not the kind of responsible adult who is entrusted with the safekeeping of important things (like theatre tickets. Or brains).

I’m also a bit worried that you – a mixed up person in want of your brain – have found yourself wandering around how do you eat an elephant? Please be warned. It isn’t the best place for you; it’s full of nonsensical nonsense and nutty stuff and will surely do you no good.

Anyway so yeah, I don’t know where your brain is but I do hope you find it soon. By the way, have you looked in the fridge? It’s amazing what turns up in there.

Lots of love (and that hug if you want it)

WeeGee xxx

*Or persons – who knows how many brains are MIA on any given day?

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

More lessons

Posted on by WeeGee

I feel that I should write something. I’m not entirely sure what I’m going to write, but if I don’t write something soon I’ll get out of the habit of writing and that’d probably spell The End for How do you eat an elephant? Which would be a bit of a shame…..

I suppose I should start by filling you in on the last couple of days which have felt like something approaching good. Yes, you did read that right – I said something approaching good! Okay, so I had a minor melt down at the start of the week but it had been a long time coming I suppose and I’ve just about forgiven myself  because I feel like I’ve learned some important lessons along the way. Which is no bad thing…..

Important lesson of the week # 1: If you can’t keep going you have to stop keeping going until you’re ready to get going again.

I’ve also been busy taking care of myself and making a plan. It feels like ages since I’ve a) properly taken care of myself or b) had a plan. It feels so much better to have something to aim for other than Eastenders* I’m not talking about any kind of grand ‘sort your life out in four weeks’ plan, more of a ‘let’s get from a to b and worry about c later’ type plan.

Important lesson of the week # 2: You don’t have to do EVERYTHING right now because there’s plenty of time for everything.

I’ve had a few words with ‘the brain’. It’s a ridiculous state of affairs – we can’t hate one another for ever because we’re pretty much stuck with each other** and whether we like it or not we’re going to have to find a way to rub along together. The deal goes something like this: I will nourish rest and generally take good care of the brain if the brain promises to make a concerted effort to stop with all that over thinking it nonsense. In the fullness of time I’d like the brain to give up on all that up/down/backwards/forwards/shake it all about stuff, but hey! At least we’ve got a start.

Important lesson of the week #3: If you take good care of your brain it will be remarkably compliant when it comes to doing deals.

One week. One meltdown. Three lessons. Could be worse eh?

In conclusion I think things are looking okay. That’s as far as my ‘state of the nation’ update goes: WeeGee is okay. Which is pretty much okay.

Never fear – I’ll be back later with some of the more usual rambling idiocy

Love WeeGee xxx

*Yes. I watch Eastenders. What of it?!

**What with the frontal lobotomy being out of fashion and all….

Posted in Moving forwards

We’re all doomed

Posted on by WeeGee

Don’t worry, we’re not really. Doomed that is, well at least not as far as I know. To be fair, if we were all doomed I’m pretty sure the powers that be would get in touch with someone important (like the Pope) or wise (like the Dalai Lama)* rather than me….. Moving swiftly on before I get myself into trouble.

All kinds of things ‘hold me back in life’. Some of the things that hold me back feel insurmountable at times and I know I have to hold on tight, work hard and keep my head if I’m ever going to deal with them. And that’s fine. I know what my goals are.

At the same time, some of the things that hold me back aren’t so huge and I know that the answer to overcoming them is entirely in my gift. Like for example, the fact that I’m shy.

There you have it. I’m shy and I lack confidence but (and here’s the thing) that’s not because I’m mental. It’s a simple character trait. Sometimes, when you’re mental it’s too easy to forget that you have a ‘personality’ at all – everything gets bound up with your difficulties whether it belongs there or not.

When my mental tendencies get mixed up with my shyness I start to think that I’M DOOMED. Except of course, I’m not doomed. I’m just a bit** mental and a bit shy.

As I said – I’m working on the mental health stuff but there isn’t a magic wand and I just have to keep plugging away. What I tend not to remember is that I have to work on the shyness stuff too – there isn’t a magic wand for that either, but then again I can at least put my mind to it.

So, in light of that, I spent this afternoon deliberately doing things I don’t like doing because I’m shy. That’s deliberately…. as in, on purpose. I stand by my assertion that this is nothing to do with being mental!

Shyness is, in some ways, a little bit like mental health difficulties: everybody experiences it slightly differently even though it has a common name. For me, the biggest part of my shyness is the ‘fear’ that I will ‘look’ foolish. It’s a bit like anxiety, but not quite… sometimes I get anxious and I know how that feels, but most of the time I’m shy and I know how that feels too.

In order to avoid looking foolish I avoid situations where ‘I don’t know what I’m doing’, or where I feel ‘conspicuous’. This means I hardly ever do anything new. It also means that I don’t do some really simple things that I’m perfectly capable of doing, and for that matter, enjoying.

Here’s what I’ve been up to this afternoon

1. Inviting Mr Friendly to dinner even though I was scared he would think it was a stupid idea and that I would end up feeling foolish.

2. Going into a brand new coffee shop, purchasing a beverage and drinking it there even though I had never been in there before and was scared everyone would look at me because I was on my own.

3. Wandering around the boutique type shops in Surbiton even though I had never been in them before, had no money to buy anything and was scared everyone would think I didn’t belong there.

4. Using the coinstar machine in the supermarket even though I thought I might not be able to work it and that everyone would look at me and think I was a fool.

5. Buying an ice lolly on the way home AND EATING IT IN PUBLIC on my own

It seems like a pretty small list of achievements I guess doesn’t it*** but I don’t care, because I decided I was going out of my comfort zone just because I could if I tried. And I did it. And I had a pretty okay day all things considered.

Lots of bravery and love from WeeGee xx

*Did you see what I did there?!

**Okay – a lot mental

***Oh no, am I feeling foolish now?!

Posted in Little things that made me smile

I heard a fly buzz

Posted on by WeeGee

There is a fly buzzing around my flat at the moment. It’s driving me and my cat NUTS*. It’s driving Gryff nuts because a) he can’t catch the little bugger despite his best efforts and b) it’s far too hot for his best fly catching efforts today. It’s driving me nuts because a) it is a fly. Buzzing. In my flat and b) it keeps making me think of that Emily Dickenson Poem ‘I heard a fly buzz when I died’ which in turn is making me think ‘what if I am actually dead but don’t realise it’?

It’s a hotbed of mentalness round here today…..

I thought I was dead once. I stepped out in front of a double decker bus** and it hit me. People say that when they have those kind of near death experiences that ‘their entire life flashes before their eyes’. For my part, the only thing that flashed before my eyes was A DOUBLE DECKER BUS, and the only thought I had was ‘Shit – I’m about to be HIT BY A DOUBLE DECKER BUS’

Anyway, there was this tiny second where I knew I’d been hit by a bus but didn’t know if I was alive or dead. It was the strangest sensation – like not being.  It wasn’t a nice sensation but it wasn’t altogether unpleasant either… It didn’t last long because I was soon brought to my senses by a kindly gentleman who reassured me that I was ‘all in one piece’ and pressed a tissue to my head. I had no idea why he was pressing a tissue to my head until he swapped it for another one and I saw the blood. Then the ambulance came and I was all a bit boo hoo for a while. Then I went home all black and blue and ever so slightly confused.

Getting hit by a double decker bus was a pretty painful experience – the headache lasted for days and was like no other headache I’d ever experienced. It also left me with a slightly gammy eye. Still it wasn’t all bad because it gave me two stories to tell.

Story One: the near death experience story.

Story Two: All five feet and two inches of WeeGee, seven stones*** wet through if she’s lucky WAS HIT BY A DOUBLE DECKER BUS AND LIVED TO TELL THE TALE.

Where was I? Oh yeah. There’s a fly buzzing around my flat and it’s driving me MENTAL….. Told you it was a hotbed of mentalness today. It’s going to be a long evening…..

Love from WeeGee and Gryff (demented within an inch of their lives by a buzzing fly) xxx

 

*No – I can’t swat the fly dead. Committing murder just because something is getting on your nerves is not socially acceptable.

**Accidentally (lest there be any doubt!)

***Ish – I don’t have a clue how much I weigh, wet through or otherwise.

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

A different bus

Posted on by WeeGee

The first song that I wanted to share with you today is so ‘obscure’ that I can’t find it on YouTube and I can’t think of an alternative so I’m a bit stuck as to how to get this post going.

I suppose I could share the other song I wanted to share. It doesn’t relate to the content of my post but it’s been my earworm for the past few weeks and I thought if I posted it on my blog I might be able to banish it from my head:

For the record, I’m not a Kate Bush fan and to be fair it’s probably this version of the song that is stuck in my head:

But no matter….. back to the point.

I had my counselling session today. I don’t tend to write about my counselling sessions because they’re private, but today’s was a bit different because I feel like I had a revelation so I wanted to share it. Be warned though, this is all a bit cryptic so I hope it makes at least some sense….

Mrs Mountain (that’s the counsellor) and I were talking about ‘waiting’ today. Sometimes, I feel like I’m waiting for the future to start which is what got us on to the subject, but it soon became clear that it isn’t just the future that I’m waiting for. I’m waiting for something very specific to happen, and even though I know in my heart that this specific thing is never going to happen, I’m still waiting for it to happen. I don’t know if that’s blind faith, or hope, or stupidity but it’s just the way it goes in my head. I’m happy to wait even if I’m waiting for nothing. Or at least I thought I was.

The thing is Mrs Mountain is good at examples that challenge the way I’m thinking and today’s example was a particularly good one:

If you turn up at a bus stop just after the bus you need has left and you stand there you are waiting – even though the bus isn’t going to show up because you missed it, you’re still waiting. If, on the other hand, you arrive at the bus stop just in time to see your bus pulling away and you choose to stand there anyway you aren’t waiting for the bus anymore. You’re doing something different.

“Fine” I said. “If I stand at the bus stop long enough another bus will come along”

And that was exactly her point. I’m not actually waiting for the thing I think I’m waiting for. I’m just telling myself that for now because I’m not ready to catch a different bus just yet  – but deep inside I know I’m going to be strong enough to catch a different bus sooner or later. That, I think, is a small crypitc step in the right direction!

Love from WeeGee (waiting for a different bus after all)

Posted in Welcome to my world

Living?

Posted on by WeeGee

I’m in a bleak and vulnerable place. I don’t want that to rub off on anybody so skip over this one if you see fit….

I haven’t managed to blog for a couple of days because I haven’t had the mental capacity for it and, if I’m perfectly honest, I’m not altogether sure that I have the mental capacity for it now. Still, on account of the fact that no-one has invented a clever device that transfers my thoughts into a nice neat blog post yet I’m going to have to give it a go for myself.

Where to start? Hmm…. well, I suppose I could start with a confession.

I’m not being entirely honest with people about the place I’m in. I know that breaks so many of the ‘rules’, but I don’t really know what else to do apart from stick a smile on my face and say “I’m fine”. The alternative is saying “I’m hollow, and empty and I wish I wasn’t alive and there is nothing that can happen, or that you can say that will ever change any of that” Nobody wants to hear that, do they?

I know what people would say to me. They’d say that was ‘broken brain’ speaking’ and that you HAVE to ask for help. Here’s the thing – my brain doesn’t work properly – everyone knows that but IT DOESN’T MAKE ME AN IDIOT. So I ask for ‘help’. What is it that is going to help? More pills? A stay in hospital where I can feel exactly the way that I do now only in sterile surroundings? Talking about things that there is no answer to? It doesn’t help. I’ve been around the block enough times to know that. I don’t mean to be unkind or ungrateful to the people in my life who want to help, I really don’t. I just want them to understand that there is no help.

The people I know in real life are good and kind people and they are forever saying ‘just let me know if there’s anything I can do to help’. But I can’t tell them what they could do help, because it’s not the way the world works. What would really help right now is somebody gathering me up, staying by my side and showing me how it is that you go about doing this thing called living. Nobody wants to do that – it’s too much to ask.

So instead, I’ll do what I always do. I’ll smile. I’ll say ‘I’m fine’, ‘work’s great’, ‘Yeah I’m really busy’ and I’ll continue to curl up into a ball whilst staring into the mid distance and listening to all that living going on around about me.
Love from WeeGee (misery guts)

Posted in Little things that made me smile

See this post?

Posted on by WeeGee

See this post here? The one you’re reading at this very moment? Well it’s a special post because it’s post number ONE HUNDRED on How do you eat an elephant. What a momentous occasion……

To understand quite how momentous an occasion this is you have to know something about me: I’m rubbish at seeing things through. For a start the slightest little thing can defeat me and if I get defeated I give up completely. I also have a habit of just losing interest. Something can be the best thing ever one day and then completely forgotten the next. Finally, I’m just a bit rubbish when it comes to finishing things – I’ve got no staying power! Here’s an example. I’ve been knitting a cardigan (the same cardigan) since Christmas 2009. I’ve got a back and a side and a half so far. I expect to finish it in time for winter 2015. I hope it’s a cold one because it’s a super cosy cardigan.

But I digress. You don’t want to hear about my cosy cardigan.

I bet you’re wondering what I’m going to do with post ONE HUNDRED aren’t you?*

I’ll tell you what I’m going to do.

I’m going to accept this lovely award:

And then tell you about seven things that WeeGee loves.

The rules of the Seven things about me are thus:

  1. Thank the blogger who nominated you.
  2. Share seven things about yourself.
  3. Nominate other bloggers you think deserve the award, and post on their blog to let them know they’ve been nominated.

Angel Fractured at the Mirth of Despair nominated me for this one a while back. Thank you Angel Fractured for a) the lovely nomination, b) the lovely comments you leave on my blog and c) your own lovely blog and other lovely blog.

Here are seven things that WeeGee loves

1. I love my cat

Gryff is the best cat in the world. That, by the way, is a simple matter of fact.

He’s an odd little fellow but that just makes me love him all the more. He’s frightened of so many weird and wonderful things that never a day goes by that I don’t find something else he’s afraid of. Today for example I discovered he’s afraid on me emptying the coins out of my purse.

Although he’s nervous he’s also a happy little soul – full of chit chat, and purrs and those funny little gremlin noises cats make when they’re interested in something. He’s a brave boy when it comes to hunting insects down and he has a special talent for getting himself stuck on top of the wardrobe moments before I need to leave the flat.

Gryff has been in my life for six years – which is to say he’s been there through thick and through thin. I honestly don’t know how I would have coped with the last year and a half if it hadn’t been for Gryff.

Here is Gryff looking grumpy because he has been disturbed from his slumber for an impromptu photo opportunity:

Here he is again wondering when the impromptu photo opportunity is going to end  and thinking I’m an idiot:

Finally, here he is in a variation of croissant cat position**:

Dear Gryff. I love you. From WeeGee xx

2. I love Monk

I don’t just love Monk – I’m obsessed with Monk – which is quite apt really. I’ve watched every single episode AT LEAST three times. That’s how obsessed I am.

I love Monk because I love the central character, Adrian Monk. I love that he is so sad and broken but also so kind and funny at the same time. I love the way that he almost gets to where he needs to be but then his brain gets in the way and he ends up back at square one.

Maybe Adrian Monk reminds me of myself? Maybe Monk just makes me laugh? Maybe I just love Monk for its own sake. Whichever it is – I love Monk.

3. I love my blogging buddies

Before WordPress came to WeeGee land, I was dubious about online friendships.

I’m not anymore.

I’ve ‘met’ a lot of people here in the World of Blog and (as we’ve already established) I’ve come to care about them all a great deal. Here’s the other thing though…. meeting people, and getting to know them, and forming relationships with them – even if it is online – has really helped me to prove something to myself.

My life is better for the people I’ve met on WordPress. I love all the courage and humour and strength that I find in the blogs I read. It almost makes me think that I don’t want to be normal because normal people have none of the awesomeness and wonderfulness that the mentals do.

At this point I want to give a special ‘shout out’ to my brain twin and fellow alien – Carrie at Hello Sailor. Who’d ever have thunk that there would be two of us eh? I reckon we could be a force to be reckoned with xx

4. I love balsamic vinegar

I don’t know when I ‘discovered’ balsamic vinegar, or what my taste buds did before that momentous day. All I can say is…. what is life without balsamic vinegar? It’s an amazing foodstuff. I love it. Love it, love it, love it. Yum yum (for my tum)

Here, by the way, is the best balsamic that money can buy***:

5. I love the Olympics

Where do I start?!

I had no idea that I was going to love the Olympics being in London until the Olympics were in London and I can’t imagine a day coming along that is better than my day out at the Olympics, I really can’t. Ever. As long as I live. It was way too amazing for words…..

Fortuitously, I’ve been on annual leave for Olympic fortnight and I was going to write a post about all the fun I’ve had watching all kinds of weird, bizarre and wonderful sports – like rowing, and cycling, and pole vaulting, and the modern pentathalon, and HORSES. DANCING. TO MUSIC. But instead I’ve got two words for you:

Mo Farrah.

That is all.

6. I love Frank Turner

Okay, so I know I go on about this all the time, but I love Frank Turner. I truly do. Frank Turner’s music makes me feel like I belong even though I live in a world that I don’t belong in.

Frank Turner’s music has brought me through some pretty awful and dark days – it’s been like a faithful companion to me and has provided something solid to hold on to when everything else was turning into nothing.

I love Frank Turner. I love his music.

Here is Frank Turner doing some music:

7. I love this guy

This is Morgan Parra (the little French kicker) he’s quite handsome, no?

There you go then. Now you know seven things that I love and you have experienced my 100th post.

As for nominations – I thought I’d pass this one on to:

The Depressed Moose

Just a thought

Dorothy

Buckwheatrisk

Madness42

Meandanxiety

Dramajunkiee

If indeed they want it!

Hundreds and hundreds of love from WeeGee xx

*Okay, you’re probably not – it’s just me that’s a bit over excited isn’t it?!

**It took approximately one week’s worth of stalking him to get this photo!

***If you don’t have much money!

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

I am therefore I am: a conundrum

Posted on by WeeGee

WARNING: This post contains armchair philosophy and thoughts and ideas that might make your head explode or something.

Here’s a question for you: if you spend fifty percent of you time thinking that yesterday was better, and the other fifty percent thinking that tomorrow will be better – what does that make today? I think that’s my way of trying to understand time and existence. I’ve a feeling I’m biting off more than I can chew here, but I’m going to give it a go….

If you’ve ever had any kind of counselling or therapy ‘mindfulness’ will be a familiar concept to you. It seems that if you want to be normal rather than mental you have to keep your thoughts in the here and now: no past, no future, just the moment you’re in.

Mindfulness is something I struggle with in part because it’s only a few steps shy of meditation and meditation makes me giggle because it’s not the kind of thing I can take seriously. At all. Ever. The end.

Maybe I’m just too cynical for all this mindfulness stuff?

I’m also not entirely convinced that human beings can ever ‘exist’ in one moment alone. I understand the arguments, but I wonder whether we’re really wired that way. Everything that I am now is surely a culmination of everywhere I’ve ever been? Everything that I do now is surely a small contribution to who I’m going to be in the future. If all there is is now then who was I, and who will I be? Those things are important, no?

I suppose it comes down to what ‘existing’ is and whether you believe (is it a belief, I don’t know?) that the verb exist has a legitimate past and future tense. Existing isn’t just being alive. I’m sure about that because, for example, I’m sitting on a chair at the moment and the chair definitely exists and is definitely not alive* Some things ‘existed’ thousands of years ago but people argue that they only exist now in this moment. You are reading this in a different moment from the one I wrote it in. When does it exist?

I exist now and I’m fairly confident of that. And I know I existed yesterday because I can REMEMBER yesterday. That’s quite straightforward in a way, but tomorrow only ‘exists’ in so far as I can imagine it. Does that mean it exists or not…. I’ve never been to Madagascar but I know it exists, or does it – maybe it only exists in this moment if you are actually there? Do bears shit in the woods?

……. Dear oh dear. Is your head hurting yet?

I think I’ll have a nice musical interlude at this point to get my hurting head off the hook….. Here’s a (very) handsome man with a gruff and gravelly voice singing about tomorrow. It’s nice. It’ll make your head all better:

I got lost in existence for a while there. Sorry. But I think you have probably got the gist of the difficulty that I have with mindfulness?

The past matters to human beings. It forms a large part of our collective identity, and, I think of our individual identities too. The past is important and I don’t think you should wipe it away and I don’t think you really can – no matter how you train your brain. That’s why we have Armistice Day (as an example) because what people did in the past matters a great deal to who people are today, and for that matter, how they live today.

As for the future, I can’t imagine what humans would be without it. Would we ever have done anything? What happens to progress if there is no future? What happens to hope?

Living in the moment is all very well. But what if the moment you are in is terrible? I don’t really mean broken brain terrible (although that is quite terrible enough) but what if, for arguments sake you are being held in a Syrian jail and tortured within an inch of your life IN THIS MOMENT? I can’t see how you find happiness in that moment under those circumstances…..

I’m over thinking it aren’t I?

Here are my final thoughts on mindfulness…..

Google ‘mindfulness’ or ‘living in the moment’ or whatever variation on the theme you can think of and you’ll find people who have found ‘happiness’ by simply ‘living in the moment’. I think that’s fantastic for them, I really do, but what they never say is HOW they do it. Do they just wake up one morning and find themselves in the moment? If the only problem that I have is that I can’t live in the here and now, why can’t someone just give me a step by step guide to living in the here and now?

I don’t get it.

Finally – in my mind there is a very practical problem with ‘living in the moment’. Okay, so here I am today. I’m typing up a blog post and watching Olympic Volleyball. That’s all that matters because that’s now. It’s all I should be thinking about.

But here’s the thing. There isn’t a lot of food in my flat and one of my friends has a birthday coming up. That means I need to think about buying groceries and gifts and I will do both of those things in the future but I will plan for them now. If I stuck with the moment I’d just head out into the world to forage for food when I was hungry and I’d never get a gift to anyone in time. Sometimes you have to plan but if you ever say that to someone who is trying to teach you mindfulness they will say  ‘ah, but that’s different – it’s a different kind of thinking, a different thought process’.

To me, that says that mindfulness is an intuitive thing and I end up back at wondering where my step by step guide to mindfulness is because I quite clearly don’t get it. As usual.

What a long post to say nothing more than ‘I’m confused and I don’t get it’!!

Lots of love from a philosophical WeeGee xx

*Unless I have well and truly taken leave of my senses once and for all!

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

Olympian

Posted on by WeeGee

Don’t worry – this isn’t another one of my gushing posts about the Olympic Games. It’s a post about this song:

Or at least it’s a post about a couple of lines in this song:

“I wanted to be there with you / For I can only be normal with you / I’ve given my all for you”

Twice in my life I’ve managed to find another human being that I wanted to be with. Twice in my life I’ve managed to find another human being that made me feel ‘normal’. Twice in my life I’ve managed to lose the most special person on earth.

My conclusion to all this is that I must not be supposed to be with anybody and that certainly I’m not capable of being normal by myself. I don’t cut the mustard when it comes to all that belonging and normal stuff. You get what’s coming your way. What’s for you doesn’t go past you. If you get nothing and it all goes past you – that’s what was yours.

Everything I do is with reference to other people. That’s just the way my brain works and all the counselling and therapy in the world isn’t going to change that.

I am who I am.

I’m lost. I’m lonely. I’m mental. I’m not normal. This is what is mine. I wish I could make something matter, I really do.

Boo hoo. Woe is me. I hate myself and I want a pie.

Lots of mixed up miserable love (once more) from WeeGee xx