Tag: Today

Posted in About today

In which WeeGee has a small wobble

Posted on by WeeGee

Yesterday I was having one of my little thinks about some stuff that I didn’t want to talk about. Unfortunately my little think didn’t turn out so well in the end and today I am mostly having a huge crisis of faith. Sigh…..

In some ways I feel more like myself than I have for a very long time, but at the same time I’m beginning to wonder if you can actually know who you are if you’ve spent the last two years of your life hiding from the world and wishing, more than anything, that you could will yourself to die in the night. I keep thinking about all the time I’ve lost – the time that I’ve filled up with nothing; the time that everybody else filled up with lots of different somethings and I end up feeling all small and insignificant again.

I suppose this is just WeeGee getting a bit scared because a second date feels like a fairly big deal in her book. It’s probably little more than a natural crisis of faith and I’ll get myself through it and then wonder what all of the fuss was about. I think maybe I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed, not by Mr Smiley but by the way that I feel about Mr Smiley and all the other stuff that I’m feeling and trying to make sense of.

When I’m overwhelmed I hide, and I don’t want to hide – not now. So I’m posting this one for the sake of posterity and as a little public promise to myself: WeeGee will not go into hiding, and will not feel small and insignificant, and will definitely go to dinner later and will almost certainly have a perfectly super time.

Wish me luck

Lots of love from a slightly wobbly WeeGee xxxxxx

Posted in Reasons to be cheerful

The brilliant blog award

Posted on by WeeGee

I’ve got stuff on my mind today which I’d prefer not to talk about* so instead of trying to ramble round my brain trying to find stuff that isn’t ‘the stuff’ to tell you about I’m going to accept a fabulous new award instead. Yay for blogging awards!

The award is the Brilliant Blog Award and here are da rules:

Write an acceptance speech, linking back to the person who gave it to you.

Write 7 things you believe in.

Give the award to as many brilliant blogs as you would like to share the love.

WeeGee’s acceptance speech

Of course I’m going to accept this award. In general I like blogging awards because they give us a chance to find out things we wouldn’t otherwise have found out about one another and they give us an opportunity to spread some mutual appreciation around out little corner of the blogosphere. However, receiving this particular award really made me smile because it was bestowed upon me by its creator, Tallulah “Lulu” Stark of Sunny with a chance of Armageddon fame. Lulu is an AWESOME blogger and one of that small number of bloggers who make up what I consider to be mental health blogging royalty. It’s an honour that she thought of my little blog when handing out the gongs. Thanks so much xx

Seven things WeeGee believes in

I believe our children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way……… Don’t worry – I jest 😀

1. I believe in a thing called love

Seems a rather obvious one and maybe slightly twee but being loved, and loving others is something that I believe in with all of my heart. Besides, it gives me the opportunity to wallow in the nostalgia of this AWESOME song:

2. I believe in justice

In my mind justice is the thing that should lie at the heart of all human interactions – it isn’t just about legal due process (although that is important) because justice is also about doing what is right even when what is right is unpopular.

3. I believe in kindness

My motto in life is be kind, always and to everyone. Now I just need to convince everybody else to adopt it and things will be a whole lot better for us all!

4. I believe in equality

I get tired of discrimination because I can’t understand it. I can’t understand why the choices people make, or the circumstances they are born into should make any difference to the way the are perceived or treated. We are all equal, and none of us are more equal than others. The end.

5. I believe that honesty is the best policy

Sometimes the truth hurts, but sometimes people have to hurt. Lies don’t spare people’s feelings they just add insult to injury

6. I believe risks are to be taken rather than avoided

An interesting one given that a lot of my job is about minimising risk, but out there in the real world sometimes you have to take a chance on things. Sure you might get your fingers burned, but you’ll get over that. What ifs never go away.

7. I believe in rock ‘n’ roll

I guess if you read my blog you have already figured out how important music is to me. In some ways music is where I hide, but it’s also where I go to try and make sense of the feelings I can’t understand. I can’t imagine my life without music. Lets have a bit of Frank Turner, because we haven’t had a bit of Sir Frank for a while….

Seven brilliant blogs

Nominations are always the hard part of award posts. I love all of the blogs I read and I’m always tempted to give the award to everybody even though it isn’t really in the spirit of award etiquette. This time round I’ve decided to choose seven bloggers who have helped to drag me through my dark days – the ones who have always been there with a few words of encouragement, or some hugs, or a hilarious joke. I guess these are people who I am happy to be able to call friends.

1. Crazy in the Coconut: Dear Bourbon, You are AWESOME and I wish I could make you see how AWESOME you are. Lots of love, WeeGee

2. Hello Sailor: Dear Carrie, I’m so glad that I came across my alien sister brain twin. The world is much better knowing there are two of us. Lots of love, WeeGee

3. BuckwheatRisk: Dear Buckwheat, I love it when you do that little boogie woogie thing you do. You always make me smile with your comments. Lots of love, WeeGee

4. The Depressed Moose: Dear Mr Moose, What would I do without your lovely self? Lots of love, WeeGee

5. Tip toeing round the abyss: Dear Casey, Thank you so much for sticking with my blog for so long and for all the words of encouragement and kindness. Lots of love, WeeGee

6. Carry on recovering: Dear Rhio, You are as cool as penguins and a true inspiration to those battling their way through EDs. Lots of love WeeGee

7. Brandon Board: Dear Brandon, I haven’t known you long but I love your blog and I love the way you take time to leave really thoughtful (and helpful) comments on my blog. Lots of love, WeeGee

Special mention

I end with a special mention of a brilliant blogger who I know doesn’t really like the whole awards thing. Dear RThePotter, I had to give you a special mention because you have stuck with my blog through thick and thin and always been there with those wise words of wisdom of yours. Lots of love, WeeGee

The end of the brilliant blog award post

Lots of love from WeeGee xxxxxx

*Don’t worry – I’m not going mental I’m just having one of my little thinks

Posted in About today

Monday update

Posted on by WeeGee

From time to time, there are things in my head that I know I will never mention anywhere, not even on my blog. Some of those things are swimming around in my head at the moment, so writing today’s instalment might prove a little more challenging than is usually the case……

I promised some of my readers a little bit of an update following yesterday’s meet-up with Mr Smiley. Well – I had a really rather lovely time and thinking about it now I’ve realised that it’s actually a very long time since I last had a lovely time. I quite like having a really rather lovely time by the way. Mr Smiley is ace: lovely and smiley and the kind of guy you are ALWAYS pleased to see* He’s also the kind of guy that brings someone he has never met a really thoughtful gift back from his holiday. Oh and he’s excellent at hugs – and everybody knows how much WeeGee loves hugs. I was a bit disappointed that I kept coming over all shy, but I don’t think it’s going to be a huge problem because Mr Smiley seems to be the kind of guy** who will be patient enough to wait for me to come out of my shell, and I know that I always do in the end. Anyhow – we’re meeting again on Wednesday evening, so I obviously didn’t scare him off completely…..

My mood today is so strange that I don’t actually know how to record it on the mood chart. On the one hand I’m happy and bouncy and absolutely fine and on the other hand my broken brain is going ‘Oi WeeGeee – I’m still here’ It’s broken brain that’s coming up with the stuff I will never mention, and it’s also throwing in the more usual peripheral nonsense for good measure. I’ve decided to ignore broken brain for today because I’m tired, it’s cold and rainy, and because things probably feel a bit heavier today on account of the fact that they didn’t feel heavy at all yesterday.

On a positive note, I decided that I needed to talk to my line manager about my workload. It was starting to get a bit out of hand and I’m determined not to get overwhelmed at work again, especially when other things in my life are going so well. We agreed that my workload was slightly ridiculous and then made a little plan to farm some of it out to the managers with lighter loads than me. The good news is that I’ve lost the boring network tender/procurement project*** and kept hold of my shiny SharePoint one. I also remembered to ‘shout up’ when the going got tough so I feel like I’m still managing to take care of myself and put my health before everything else.

Meanwhile in other news I had to stand outside in the rain for a whole hour for a fire drill at lunchtime which I did not enjoy because a) it was freezing cold b)I was in a meeting when the alarm sounded and none of my colleagues thought to bring my coat down for me**** and c) it meant that I didn’t get a lunch break until 3.30pm. Nothing else to report save that I am delighted that my alien brain twin Carrie from Hello Sailor has returned to the WordPress fold because I’ve missed her.

Lots of love and a small touch of the flat and empties, WeeGee xxxxxxx

PS I’m sorry the title is a bit lame but I couldn’t think of anything else!

*Unless he’d done something REALLY BAD but even then you probably wouldn’t stay angry for long

**He seems to be quite a lot of ‘kind of guys’

***Because it has NOTHING to do with my job anyway and I was only doing it as a favour

****If people are out of the office when the fire alarm goes off I ALWAYS remember to take their coats down. B******s

Posted in About today

Panic on the streets of London*

Posted on by WeeGee

You know that worrying thing I sometimes do? Well it started to edge towards sheer, blind panic this afternoon and in the end Mrs Sparkle had to say for [really bad swear word] sake’s WeeGee – I’m coming over to keep you company before you panic yourself to death or something  and in the meantime can you please not panic and cancel your date?

To be fair I haven’t been panicking all day – in fact I have spent most of the day feeling perfectly content being by myself keeping myself company. Which is nice. I had a little wander along the river to Kingston and enjoyed thinking how much nicer the river is when you’re not thinking about jumping into it. I also started to realise that I am becoming increasingly irritated by grown women wearing those stupid hats with ears and a face on them. I know it’s supposed to be sweet and endearing, but it isn’t. It looks slightly ridiculous**

I rambled quite happily around the shops in Kingston.*** The thing about both living and working in a place is that if you go out at the weekend you bump into loads of people you work with. Sometimes it’s a bit irritating, but today I had a FAB time saying hey to all the work people including ‘Mrs I’ve no idea what your name is or what you do but I’m going to say hey anyway because I vaguely recognise you from work’. It was the first time in a long time, perhaps even ever, that I thought to myself ‘well this is nice – I belong here’

The panicking started growing when I got back when I realised it was nearly Saturday night which meant it was nearly Sunday morning which meant I was nearly going to meet Mr Smiley IN THE REAL WORLD. I’d love to do one of my little lists of all the things I’ve been panicking about but there is simply not enough space in the blogosphere for that….

Anyway, Mrs sparkle is here now**** which is good because a) every time I panic she says ‘don’t panic’ b) she brought chocolate and c) she has volunteered to be in charge of making the tea. It is bad because she is a) FORCING me to watch X Factor***** b) insisting on reading out a load of POINTLESS horoscope compatibility things and c) not actually that good at making the tea.

Meanwhile in other news we still can’t make up our minds between the plain black dress, the one with flowers on it or the one with birds on it. Nothing else to report save that although I am a little panicky it’s actually quite a good panicky

Lots of panicky but not in a bad way love from WeeGee xxxxxx

PS – wish me luck

*I thought a Smiths song as a title would make up for the Elton John one I did earlier in the week. Am I all cool again?

**Of course, if you own such a hat it doesn’t look ridiculous on you. It’s just all the other people who look ridiculous

***Resisting the strong urge to sort people’s poppies out for them. How can you not know that a poppy goes on the left hand side with the leaf pointing to 11 o’clock? How can WeeGee resist so many OCD tendencies?

****It might sound rude to be blogging when I’ve got company, but in my defence Mrs Sparkle is currently using up my Internet to stalk people on Facebook and poke them and fling sheep at them and stuff. Or whatever it is the kids do on facebook nowadays

*****I’ve just watched four small boy children singing about fixing people and I’d quite like to puke now if it’s all the same to you

Posted in Recovery?

What went so horribly right?!

Posted on by WeeGee

SERIOUS POST ALERT. This post contains not one single hilarious joke. You have been warned….

It’s funny the way things change isn’t it? I’ve written so many posts trying to figure out what went so badly wrong after one of my ‘bit of a disasters’ and now I find myself writing in an attempt to work out what went right.  So – what did go right? The answer really surprised me and I think it’s going to surprise you too – because the answer is I did. Yep, that’s right, WeeGee finally worked out how to get it right and then went straight ahead and did it. How about that then?

Some people think that those experiencing mental health difficulties are ill, and others are of the opinion that they aren’t. For my own part, I lean heavily towards the illness theory if for no other reason than that sufferers can’t stop themselves from experiencing the difficulties in the first place. At the same time, I am of the firm opinion that mental health difficulties are not exactly the same as physical illnesses – primarily because when you become physically ill you are reliant on science, medicine and other people in order to get better; when you are mental you are reliant on yourself to get better –  if you want to recover you have to hunker down and make sure you recover. Sure you might need a bit of science and medicine and you are DEFINITELY going to need other people but none of those things can fix you. The problem is in your head, and in your thoughts and ultimately you are the only person who can fix it. This by the way is the most valuable thing I have learned in the last two years.

Here are just a few of the other valuable lessons I have learned:

·         The only way to deal with a bereavement is to let yourself grieve until you are ready to stop

·         There is only one place for the past and that is in the past which is not the same thing as saying memories don’t matter

·         If you let somebody hold you together you will fall apart when they stop being there to hold you together

·         Forgiving someone isn’t the same as accepting what they did was okay

·         Sometimes you have to stop just so that you can start again

·         Letting go isn’t the same as not caring

·         Keep on keeping on, because eventually you start keeping on without even realising you are doing it

·         I can write a whole blog post without saying something daft*

I leave you with one of Mr Wise’s favourite sayings which goes ‘You can’t change your circumstances until you change the way you feel about them’ It’s taken me 33 years to figure out how very wise that actually is and I don’t plan on forgetting it any time soon

Lot and lots of love (and please can you all keep keeping on) from WeeGee xxxxxxxx

*Actually I can’t. Here’s a little story for you: So – I’m at work, everybody is in this afternoon so the office is pretty packed and very quiet. And I go to leave the room, and my dear friend Mr Hilarious shouts the following across the room “WEEGEE! ARE YOU GOING TO THE TOILET** which I was, so then everybody knew I was going to the toilet*** and then when I was coming back from the toilet a small boy child**** said “Okay, now I’m confused – you walked up there and then you just came back again” And then I had to tell him I had been to the toilet as well…..

**I still don’t know why he needed to know

***I did of course enquire as to whether anyone wanted me to do one for them while I was there because I’m hilarious like that

**** I don’t know what the small boy child was doing there either

Over and out xoxoxox

Posted in Reasons to be cheerful

Leaps and bounds

Posted on by WeeGee

I went to see my GP before work this morning and it’s official: I am ‘coming on in leaps and bounds’. How EXCITING is that?! Unfortunately, my excitement was slightly tempered when I arrived at work and Mr Hilarious said ‘what have you done to your hair – it looks like you’ve got a comb over?’ and I had to spend ages wandering around to see if anybody had any hair straighteners because I did indeed look like I had a comb over……

Anyway – This is just a short post to let you know I’ve decided that I quite like coming on in leaps and bounds. It’s nice getting to know yourself again after all that time in hiding; it’s nice getting up and going about the days without once wishing you were dead; it’s nice taking care of yourself without having to even think about doing it; most of all it’s nice to laugh naturally in response to something funny instead of forcing yourself to join in because ‘laughing is what the normal people do’.

I’m still trying to be gentle with myself and keep up my routines and thinking tricks because I’m not taking any risks at this point. Plus, every so often a mental thought pops up and I act on it and I know I need to work on that. Most of the mental thoughts involve WeeGee getting a bit scared when she remembers people always hurt you in the end* and responding by pulling away and closing the boundaries down. That’s rubbish for me and rubbish for the people close to me because they think everything is swimming along nicely so end up feeling confused. I’m also conscious that thoughts of food are louder than they’ve been for quite a long time. I’ve responded by making new meal plans and banning myself from running until the thoughts have gone away. The main thing is I have responded – and that’s one of the reasons I know I’m coming on in leaps and bounds.

Lots of love from WeeGee xoxoxoxox

*Which isn’t actually true. Some people have hurt me in the past, but people might not hurt me in the future

Posted in About today

Lucky pants

Posted on by WeeGee

After two very rubbish days at work I decided there was only one thing for it: lucky pants. They appear to have done the trick because today is very definitely not going to be a rubbish day at work.

I received my summons to Mrs Scary Boss Lady’s office this morning and after much faffing around under my desk to find some suitably high footwear (more about my footwear shortly) I attended Boss Lady’s office and explained, as I was required to, what had gone wrong. And then Mrs Scary Boss Lady said something I really wasn’t expecting her to say: These Things Happen. Maybe she isn’t so scary after all…..

It’s my dad’s birthday today, so I was thinking about him as I made my way to work in the autumn sunshine. I was thinking about his last birthday, when he turned sixty and WeeGee was mental and had a rotten time trying to drag herself through all the surprises and excitement and general jolly stuff. I wish it was his big birthday this year because then I would be able to enjoy it with him. Anyway – you can’t turn back time, and maybe the main thing to take from my thinking is quite how far I’ve come.

There is an air of happiness and hilarity in the office today. Everyone has got over the explosions and definitely have their eyes on the weekend. Mr Hilarious is on top form today. He greeted me by saying ‘feel how cold my banana is’ whilst pointing a banana at me in the fashion of a gun*. Of course, I didn’t rise to his lewdness but I did feel his banana and can confirm it was very cold indeed. He’s also just asked me to ‘sniff his lunch box’ which suggests that one of the main outcomes of the online dating experiment has been everybody thinking I have turned into Barbara Windsor or somefink.

Here are a few more thoughts about online dating by the way:

  • Hints don’t work very well in the online dating world and you sometimes have to resort to YOU ARE SCARING ME NOW. PLEASE EFF RIGHT OFF
  • Some people appear to be looking for ‘anybody’ rather than ‘somebody’ which makes me feel sad
  • If you are going to choose a user name like Mr Cool, or Trendy Guy or Eligible you should probably think long and hard about whether you’re going to be able to pull it off

I’ve got another post about online dating planned although I might decide to turn it into a PhD instead – Boy Meets Girl: Gender Politics in the Online Dating World….. Anyway – the main thing to say about my online dating experiment is that it’s on hold pending a trip to the Science Museum on Sunday** and ***

What next? Oh yes, I was going to tell you about my shoes. After yesterday’s hole in the shoe incident I decided I was going to be very particular about my foot wear today. So – I was rooting about trying to find a pair of shoes that could be added to a suit that would be quirky enough to make it feel like I wasn’t actually wearing a suit**** and I found a pair of shoes I’d never worn before. I’d never worn them because I wasn’t quite sure about them but couldn’t put my finger on why I wasn’t quite sure of them.

Anyway I went with the shoes on a whim. As the morning dragged on I decided to go and visit the IT Crowd because I fancied a small skive***** I walked into the office and said ‘hey IT Crowd I’ve come for a skive’ and one of the IT Crowd said ‘Hey WeeGee – why are you wearing your slippers?’ And then I realised why I wasn’t quite sure about my shoes.

Meanwhile in other news I tried really hard with my asterisks today in an attempt to reclaim the blog asterisk world record from Ellie the Anxious Elephant but alas – I did not succeed. Never fear though Ellie, I will try again soon because I consider myself to have been challenged! Nothing else to report today save that I Is Back Init?!

Lots of love and hugs from WeeGee xxxx

*Which reminded me of my favourite comedy Family Fortunes answer ever. “We asked 100 people something you can do with a banana” Genuine top answer: give it to a monkey?!

**First date to the Science Museum – how cool is that?

***That’s the one you’ve got your fingers crossed for

****I don’t always wear a suit but decided I’d rather receive a telling off in a suit because then it wouldn’t really be me getting told off it would just be me doing an impression of somebody wearing a suit getting told off

*****Because every self respecting (occasional) skiver knows that’s the best place to skive because it’s good fun and  even if you get caught you can just make up a couple of acronyms beginning with V and then talk about scalability and stability and stuff and nobody is any the wiser

Posted in About today

The hardest word

Posted on by WeeGee

First of all I CANNOT BELIEVE that I have used an Elton John reference as the title of a post on How do you eat an elephant? It’s okay though, you can rest assured that you shall find no YouTube clip below……

I recently had cause to apologise to somebody because something I did hurt their feelings. I didn’t mean to hurt their feelings and I didn’t like doing it at all but I have learned that sometimes hurting people is inevitable. The thing about feelings is that they change and sometimes they change in ways that other people didn’t want them to and that, I guess, is when people start getting hurt. Anyway – I hurt somebody’s feelings and tried my best to tell them how sorry I was but they didn’t want to hear about how sorry I was and that made me sad. It also made me realise that ‘sorry’ isn’t the hardest word of all because the hardest word for a lot of people seems to be ‘forgive’ I spend a fair bit of my time thinking about forgiveness. Mr Wise thinks I forgive too easily and it gets me into trouble – maybe he’s right but to me forgiving people too easily is a bit like ‘being too kind’. I’m not entirely convinced that it’s a problem.

I should mention that I’m having a really rotten time of it at work at the moment. There’s a lot of ‘stuff’ going on and bombs keep exploding and everybody is so scared of Mrs Scary New Boss Lady that they’re convinced they’re going to get the sack every time a bomb goes off. Yesterday’s bomb had my name written all over it, which was unfortunate, because I was also partly responsible for Monday’s bit of a disaster. I appear not to have received my P45 today which is a good thing but it’s still slightly stressful. Whilst I’m on the subject I’ve got a top tip for you:

WeeGee’s tip of the day: If somebody tells you they have definitely done something that you suspect they might not have done…. Don’t take their word for it.

I’m beginning to wonder if I went back to work too soon. I suppose there is the argument that I’m just taking on too much at work, but I don’t have much of a say in my workload (owing to Mrs Scary New Boss Lady). This makes me think that the job I’m doing is not the right job for me which makes me very sad indeed because when it’s not all stressful and explosive I love my job and the people I work with. It also makes me scared because I’m not sure what I would actually do if I stopped doing what I do at the moment.

Anyway, today is rubbish because I feel guilty and work is stressful and because I’ve got a hole in my shoe. However, I am very definitely hanging on in there because life is good and  I have things to look forward to and  tomorrow will come around. And because I won’t always have a hole in my shoe…..

Lots of love from WeeGee xxxx

Posted in Moving forwards

Bumps in the road

Posted on by WeeGee

I thought I’d start today with a huge, massive and very public thank you to one of my very favourite blogging buddies who did an awesome job of helping me get myself pointed in the right direction again last night. I love the fact that I can have a shocker of a day and someone who I have never met will pop up and say ‘Hey WeeGee here are loads of hugs and let’s have a little chat about what’s going on and see if we can’t figure it out’ And then we have a little chat and pretty much figure it out. The Internet is AWESOME and so is Bourbon who writes a brilliant blog and is mental health blogging royalty in my book….. Love you loads, Bourbon xxxx

As far as yesterday is concerned here is what I have to say: Dear Yesterday, I’m glad you’re over with because you were rubbish. Please can you never darken my door again? Lots of love, WeeGee

Today I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out what went so badly wrong yesterday. Here’s what I’ve figured out so far:

  • I was tired, under nourished and poorly
  • I was disappointed that I couldn’t see my parents especially because it was my fault because I was unwell
  • I was looking forward to seeing my parents because I was all better and enthusiastic and I wanted them to know they had their daughter back after everything she had put them through
  • I was beginning to feel a bit overwhelmed by online dating
  • As to whether I had disappointed anyone – it occurred that other people’s feelings were nothing to do with me and things always turn out of the best in the end
  • All of those things made me vulnerable and I’m not very good at being vulnerable

When I got up this morning I decided that I wasn’t going to talk to anybody that I didn’t want to. I think I’ve been being a bit too polite about talking to people recently. I think the point I’m making that Mr I’m Very Probably Normal is all well and good but Mr I’m Very Probably Awesome is where I’d rather spend my time. There aren’t very many of them at all, so it isn’t overwhelming and all is well again.

I spent most of today doing AWESOME things like running all the way to Hampton court and then realising I had to run all the way back as well because I’d missed the river boat and there were no trains and then spending a few pretty perfect hours teaching Little Miss Hilarious how to make pom poms* Little Miss Hilarious is awesome because a) she dishes out the best cuddles in the world, b) she takes learning how to make pom poms so seriously that she asks her daddy to write down all the steps for her so she doesn’t forget and c) she gets to the end of her visit and says ‘why are you wearing that outfit? Which was hilarious because I was indeed in strange attire** but adults would be too polite to mention it and what’s wrong with a bit of honesty

As for this evening I shall be watching strictly come dancing. I hope that you thought I am far too cool for that kind of thing and you’d be absolutely right because I only watch it in an ironic way…..

The headline today is that yesterday was little more than a bump in road and I’m back on track again now thank you very much

Huge massive hugs and loads of love to make up for yesterday WeeGee xxxxx

*I think that Mr and Mrs Hilarious could have figured out how to do this themselves and the visit was purely to make sure I wasn’t totally mental. Which is cool

**In my defence, I wasn’t expecting company

Posted in About today

Never laugh again

Posted on by WeeGee

I’m not having a good day and I’m sorry I’m to be sharing this kind of post with you again but I need to talk to somebody and everybody is busy so you guys get the pleasure of a sobbing WeeGee.

I can’t believe what a difference a day can make – bouncing around laughing one day and filled full of nothing the next. I was supposed to bounce around for a while and then settle down nicely. Why does my brain never do what it’s supposed to?

Today I have mostly hated myself for the following reasons:

  • I’ve been living on complan for two days now because my appetite disappeared when I was sick and every time I tried to eat something I got the ‘refeeding horrors’
  • I think I disappointed somebody so much that they don’t like me anymore. This makes me sad because you know all that bouncing around trying to make people laugh I do? Well I mostly do that because I kind of need people to like me.
  • I have come to the conclusion that I am far too mental to even think about getting to know people who didn’t know me before I was mental which puts a bit of a spanner in the all new WeeGee works
  • Mum and dad couldn’t come to visit today because WeeGee was sick and WeeGee’s mum can’t be around sick people
  • I answered the phone to Mr Friendly so that I could be reminded how  utterly inadequate I am as a human being

To be honest I could write a much longer list of all the things I hate about myself but those are the main ones and I’ll leave it at that.

Right now I am sobbing. I’m sobbing for everything – for the last two years of my life, for all the things that will never happen, for all the emptiness there is to come.

…… And if somebody could tell a joke about now that would be just super because it feels like I might never laugh again.

I can’t send you any love today because there isn’t any of that in my heart

WeeGee x