Tag: Depression

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

I am therefore I am: a conundrum

Posted on by WeeGee

WARNING: This post contains armchair philosophy and thoughts and ideas that might make your head explode or something.

Here’s a question for you: if you spend fifty percent of you time thinking that yesterday was better, and the other fifty percent thinking that tomorrow will be better – what does that make today? I think that’s my way of trying to understand time and existence. I’ve a feeling I’m biting off more than I can chew here, but I’m going to give it a go….

If you’ve ever had any kind of counselling or therapy ‘mindfulness’ will be a familiar concept to you. It seems that if you want to be normal rather than mental you have to keep your thoughts in the here and now: no past, no future, just the moment you’re in.

Mindfulness is something I struggle with in part because it’s only a few steps shy of meditation and meditation makes me giggle because it’s not the kind of thing I can take seriously. At all. Ever. The end.

Maybe I’m just too cynical for all this mindfulness stuff?

I’m also not entirely convinced that human beings can ever ‘exist’ in one moment alone. I understand the arguments, but I wonder whether we’re really wired that way. Everything that I am now is surely a culmination of everywhere I’ve ever been? Everything that I do now is surely a small contribution to who I’m going to be in the future. If all there is is now then who was I, and who will I be? Those things are important, no?

I suppose it comes down to what ‘existing’ is and whether you believe (is it a belief, I don’t know?) that the verb exist has a legitimate past and future tense. Existing isn’t just being alive. I’m sure about that because, for example, I’m sitting on a chair at the moment and the chair definitely exists and is definitely not alive* Some things ‘existed’ thousands of years ago but people argue that they only exist now in this moment. You are reading this in a different moment from the one I wrote it in. When does it exist?

I exist now and I’m fairly confident of that. And I know I existed yesterday because I can REMEMBER yesterday. That’s quite straightforward in a way, but tomorrow only ‘exists’ in so far as I can imagine it. Does that mean it exists or not…. I’ve never been to Madagascar but I know it exists, or does it – maybe it only exists in this moment if you are actually there? Do bears shit in the woods?

……. Dear oh dear. Is your head hurting yet?

I think I’ll have a nice musical interlude at this point to get my hurting head off the hook….. Here’s a (very) handsome man with a gruff and gravelly voice singing about tomorrow. It’s nice. It’ll make your head all better:

I got lost in existence for a while there. Sorry. But I think you have probably got the gist of the difficulty that I have with mindfulness?

The past matters to human beings. It forms a large part of our collective identity, and, I think of our individual identities too. The past is important and I don’t think you should wipe it away and I don’t think you really can – no matter how you train your brain. That’s why we have Armistice Day (as an example) because what people did in the past matters a great deal to who people are today, and for that matter, how they live today.

As for the future, I can’t imagine what humans would be without it. Would we ever have done anything? What happens to progress if there is no future? What happens to hope?

Living in the moment is all very well. But what if the moment you are in is terrible? I don’t really mean broken brain terrible (although that is quite terrible enough) but what if, for arguments sake you are being held in a Syrian jail and tortured within an inch of your life IN THIS MOMENT? I can’t see how you find happiness in that moment under those circumstances…..

I’m over thinking it aren’t I?

Here are my final thoughts on mindfulness…..

Google ‘mindfulness’ or ‘living in the moment’ or whatever variation on the theme you can think of and you’ll find people who have found ‘happiness’ by simply ‘living in the moment’. I think that’s fantastic for them, I really do, but what they never say is HOW they do it. Do they just wake up one morning and find themselves in the moment? If the only problem that I have is that I can’t live in the here and now, why can’t someone just give me a step by step guide to living in the here and now?

I don’t get it.

Finally – in my mind there is a very practical problem with ‘living in the moment’. Okay, so here I am today. I’m typing up a blog post and watching Olympic Volleyball. That’s all that matters because that’s now. It’s all I should be thinking about.

But here’s the thing. There isn’t a lot of food in my flat and one of my friends has a birthday coming up. That means I need to think about buying groceries and gifts and I will do both of those things in the future but I will plan for them now. If I stuck with the moment I’d just head out into the world to forage for food when I was hungry and I’d never get a gift to anyone in time. Sometimes you have to plan but if you ever say that to someone who is trying to teach you mindfulness they will say  ‘ah, but that’s different – it’s a different kind of thinking, a different thought process’.

To me, that says that mindfulness is an intuitive thing and I end up back at wondering where my step by step guide to mindfulness is because I quite clearly don’t get it. As usual.

What a long post to say nothing more than ‘I’m confused and I don’t get it’!!

Lots of love from a philosophical WeeGee xx

*Unless I have well and truly taken leave of my senses once and for all!

Posted in Poetry

Last one

Posted on by WeeGee

I’m not sad

 

Sad, I think, I could do.

 

Sad doesn’t crowd in during the threadbare hours

To chase you out of yourself,

It doesn’t turn out the lights

One by one.

 

Sad doesn’t steal everything you care about

And taunt you

Because you can’t find their whereabouts.

 

Sad isn’t a menace

Threatening to stay by your side

For eternity.

 

Sad doesn’t convince you to abandon all hope –

All love –

All laughter.

 

Sad doesn’t take your life away

Incrementally,

Until the only thing left to do

Is jump off the cliff edge it has led you to.

 

Sad is sad. It’s the opposite of happy.

Depression is depression. It’s the opposite of well.

 

 

 

©WeeGee 2012. All rights reserved.

 

Based on an original work published at https://weegeemcscot.wordpress.com/

 

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

The real damage

Posted on by WeeGee

Today didn’t get off to a good start: some idiot turned up outside my flat at 7:30am and started digging a massive hole in the road with a MASSIVE drill type thing. It woke me up (on my second to last day of annual leave) and Gryff didn’t like it so he went bat shit crazy and jumped on my head causing a small blood injury. It was tremendous fun.

I understand that the guy had a job to do. But why did he have to do it outside my window at SEVEN THIRTY IN THE MORNING on the second to last day of my annual leave. Plus what’s he digging a hole for anyway? In my experience these people tend to come along and dig a massive hole in the road. Then they come back a few days later and fill the massive hole back up again. It’s a stroke of genius if you think about it. I mean, you’re never going to be out of a job are you…..?

I’m still grumpy almost twelve hours later. Can you tell? Anyway, let’s move swiftly on.

I’ve had a busy little head today. There’s been the usual nonsense to contend with, because that stuff never really goes away and there’s been some pretty big stuff like time, and existence, and identity, and religion. That’s some pretty big stuff there, isn’t it? I don’t think I’m ready to write that post just yet!

The other thing that’s been on my mind is friendship.

And that’s what I’m going to write about today.

Here’s the thing. I don’t have many friends. I don’t say that in a boo hoo please feel all sorry for me kinda way. I say it as a simple fact. It doesn’t bother me because I think the few friends I have are as many as I can cope with without me going PROPER mental. And also because the few friends I have are special. They mean something to me.

Here are some of the reasons that I have a small circle of friends…. I’m shy. I’m quiet. I don’t trust people. It takes me ages to get used to people, but sometimes it doesn’t matter because on occasion I decide that I hate someone as soon as I meet them. There isn’t a reason for hating them, not really but that’s the way I feel. I’m told this is wrong. I call it a gut feeling. Who says gut feelings are bad?

Here are some more reasons: I don’t understand people. I don’t understand people’s feelings. I find it baffling when people don’t feel the same way as I do, or like the same things that I do. I don’t lack empathy (no need to panic!) I just don’t quite get it when it comes to other people.

Here is the final reason: I get attached to people. In fact, I get too attached to people. In my experience getting too attached to people is a sure fire way to get yourself hurt. There have been a number of times in my life when I’ve just let somebody disappear altogether because I sensed they were disappearing a little bit. Generally speaking, it’s all or nothing with me and all or nothing is a difficult thing to be friends with – it seems needy and clingy and selfish. Maybe it is. But in my defence it’s also incredibly loyal.

Still, ‘all or nothing’ hurts me because I let people go when I don’t need to let them go. If I could understand the middle ground I would have millions of friends. I don’t think I really want to have millions of friends because that would be a bit overwhelming but I do wish I could learn not to let people go in order to protect myself because once I get to a certain distance from it I realise that the real damage is in letting go completely, not losing a little bit. Does that make any sense what so ever?

Let’s have a Frank Turner song called ‘The real damage’ while we have a little think about it:

I’ve had a little think….. It makes sense, but then I would think that because I wrote it!

In some way ‘friendship’ is on my mind because of my birthday. My friends are busy people, not shitty people and that’s why it was such a quiet day. Plus I don’t care about my birthday and my friends were all aware of that fact. I know that. But then I went and got all worried that I was more attached to everyone I know that they were to me and I decided I was going to get hurt very badly and that I was ‘setting myself up for a fall’. I decided I shouldn’t care at all and that I didn’t need any friends EVER AGAIN. Everyone was excommunicated. WeeGee against the world….

But then I decided that was broken brain speaking and told myself over and over that it was going to be okay. It’s going to be okay, isn’t it?

My friends care about me – of course they do. Mr Friendly and Mr Hilarious and Mrs Sparkle all came through in the end. Mum and dad came through too and even my brother got his act together and sent a little text. You need to know my brother to understand what a big deal that is!

So it was all okay.

But then I thought about some of the people I’ve met on WordPress and how much I care about them. I mean genuinely care about. I thought wanted to meet everybody in real life because that would make it all better and then everything would be fine. And then I thought uh oh! You’re doing it again. You’re getting all attached and involved with people THAT YOU’VE NEVER EVEN MET and that is going to end in disaster one way or another. You’re going to get yourself hurt. So I decided that there was only one thing for it. I had to stop blogging IMMEDIATELY and forget about everyone I’d come across.

But then I decided that was broken brain speaking and told myself over and over that it was going to be okay. It’s going to be okay, isn’t it?

Starting my blog is one of the best things I’ve ever done in terms of managing my mental health. I thought blogging would give me an outlet, but what it actually brought was more support, reassurance and friendship than I could ever imagine. And it’s okay to care about people, isn’t it?

Since I started blogging I’ve met people that I genuinely care about: Sailors, and Bourbons, and lovely Brandics, and Mooses (is that the plural of Moose?) and Roxys and Potters and so, so many more – everyone, actually. And it’s okay to care. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing and you don’t need to meet the people you care about to make it all better. You just need to find comfort in the fact that they are out there, and that they ‘get’ you and they will support you and that you ‘get’ them and will support them right back. And that’s what it’s all about.

So it was all okay.

It turned into an Oscars speech in the end didn’t it? But it was a revelation to me….

Lots and LOTS of love from WeeGee (who has realised that it’s okay to care and that it’s probably going to be okay) xx

Posted in Little things that made me smile

Conclusive proof

Posted on by WeeGee

I met up with Mr Hilarious for a cup of tea this morning (don’t worry – it gets better)

We had a cup of tea and some cake and he gave me belated birthday present which turned out to be a Celtic mood ring which I LOVE (okay maybe it doesn’t get that much better)

Why am I telling you this? Well – the Celtic mood ring has provided conclusive proof that I am indeed an alien from the planet odd. Every time I put the ring on it goes purple. So what I hear you ask?

Here’s the thing: there is no purple on the ‘this is what the colour means’ chart that came with the ring. There’s blue, and there’s dark blue and although you could argue that purple is sort of blue it isn’t really is it? Purple’s purple and that’s the colour I turn the ring. Every single time, all of the time.

Maybe the ring will lead me back to the mother ship. Here’s hoping…..

Lots of extra terrestrial love from WeeGee xx

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

Olympian

Posted on by WeeGee

Don’t worry – this isn’t another one of my gushing posts about the Olympic Games. It’s a post about this song:

Or at least it’s a post about a couple of lines in this song:

“I wanted to be there with you / For I can only be normal with you / I’ve given my all for you”

Twice in my life I’ve managed to find another human being that I wanted to be with. Twice in my life I’ve managed to find another human being that made me feel ‘normal’. Twice in my life I’ve managed to lose the most special person on earth.

My conclusion to all this is that I must not be supposed to be with anybody and that certainly I’m not capable of being normal by myself. I don’t cut the mustard when it comes to all that belonging and normal stuff. You get what’s coming your way. What’s for you doesn’t go past you. If you get nothing and it all goes past you – that’s what was yours.

Everything I do is with reference to other people. That’s just the way my brain works and all the counselling and therapy in the world isn’t going to change that.

I am who I am.

I’m lost. I’m lonely. I’m mental. I’m not normal. This is what is mine. I wish I could make something matter, I really do.

Boo hoo. Woe is me. I hate myself and I want a pie.

Lots of mixed up miserable love (once more) from WeeGee xx

Posted in About today

Ancient history

Posted on by WeeGee

I hate the past. Why can’t we just leave it behind? Why does what happened before have to matter to now? I loved history at school but I suppose that was because I was too young to have a history of my own then. I didn’t understand what the past was going to mean to me in the future.

Time again, eh? It makes your head explode.

This time two years ago I was happy. Truly – I was happy. Sure I had a broken brain but I was in charge – I was managing it and life was good. Then, one day it all changed. It really was as quick as that. One day I had one life and the next day I had another life. I never wanted the other life. I wasn’t built for it. You see this life that I have? I’m not supposed to be in it.

Let’s get rid of all that broken brain stuff. Broken brain is a big problem but, in the main scheme of things it’s the least of the things I have to worry about. The truth of it is, the biggest thing, and the rawest thing, and the thing that hurts the most is the fact that I am lonely.

I’m lonely because I’m alone. That stands to reason. I had a birthday the other day and do you know how many people I spoke to on my birthday? One. That’s one fellow human being – not just on any day, but on my birthday. By the way – I have two parents and one sibling. You can do the maths there, can’t you? I’m not a bad person. I’m not a horrible person. I’m just a frightened person. Or does being frightened make you bad and horrible? Is it another one of those rules that I don’t quite understand.

Where is everybody? Where are those people that I care so much for that it HURTS? Why do I care so much that it HURTS for people who aren’t even attached enough to drop me a line on my birthday? Why does any of this matter to me? If you tell people you don’t care about your birthday you shouldn’t be surprised that they don’t care either, should you?

What’s the matter with me?

I’m also lonely because my head seems to be different. It’s not that I think I’m special or unique – it’s just that my brain doesn’t seem to work like other peoples. Sometimes I say things and people look at me like I’m a freak or an alien or something. How do I always manage to get it so wrong? How did I end up being not real or proper? Am I really an alien from planet odd? Why can’t I be like everybody else?

Sometimes I’m not sure if I’m mental or just a bit of a weido… Either way, I don’t like it. I don’t like it at all.

Am I feeling sorry for myself? You betcha! Do I have good reason? Who knows?

Love from WeeGee – all mixed up and lonely and overwhelmed xxx

Posted in Welcome to my world

Where my head is at

Posted on by WeeGee

It gets tiring sometimes, doesn’t it? Being alive, and being mental, and having ‘things on your mind’. I feel like I’m unravelling. I want to gather myself up but somehow, I just can’t seem to manage it. I can’t make it stop. I can’t make it go away.

Do you know what I wish? I wish there was a way that I could just let people look in to my head so that they could see it all without me having to say it all. I don’t know how to say it, I really don’t. I like words and I know a lot of them but when it comes to what’s in my head I struggle to find the right ones.

Do you know what else I wish? I wish there was somebody out there who knew the answer to what’s in my head. I know that there isn’t an answer but I wish there was and I wish I could find the person who knows it. I suppose I’m still looking for somebody to save me with the answer. It’s stupid because I have no idea what the question is so how can I expect somebody to answer it for me?

I’m telling myself to ‘keep my head’ and that it will be ‘okay’. I’m trying not to think what ‘okay’ means. Does being okay mean that I stay alive or does it mean something different? I hope it means something different but I suspect it doesn’t. Is the point of being alive really nothing more than that you manage to stay alive? I don’t get it.

I’m sorry that I can’t find better words than that.

I’m sorry I’ve written a pointless post. I felt like I wanted to get something out, and I did – although I’m not entirely sure what I have achieved in the end. I suppose I wrote about nothing and nowhere. That’s where my head is at.

What can I say? Stay tuned for more pointless posts!

Lots of love from WeeGee xx

Posted in About today

A post in want of a proper title

Posted on by WeeGee

Not only is this post in want of a proper title, it is also slightly unusual. Ordinarily, before I write a post, I spend some time thinking about what I want to write about, come up with a clever and witty title* as well as a loose structure. There are usually a couple of drafts.

I haven’t done any of that today. In fact I’m just going to dive right in** and get started stream of consciousness style. This could be interesting given the state of my consciousness.

There’s a lot on my mind today.

Here’s a list of what’s on my mind:

1. Rollercoasters

A lot of people describe the experience of living with mental health conditions as akin to being on a rollercoaster. It’s not a phrase I’ve ever used myself but it occurred to me today that that’s exactly what it’s like. It’s all up/down, backwards/forwards, upside down/inside out and from side to side. There’s also that bit when you’re peering over the edge filled full of fear and panic thinking you’re going to die. So, yeah – living in my brain is exactly like living on a rollercoaster.

Incidentally, I don’t like real life Rollercoasters at all. Why spend your hard earned cash to get filled full of fear and panic when you are capable of achieving the exact same results without having to leave the comfort of your own home. My take is that if you really want to experience terror you’d do well to keep your money and take up being mental instead. That’s A Joke by the way.

2. The flat and empties

The flat and empties are upon me today. I find the flat and empties frustrating because I find it difficult to understand why I no longer care about the things that as recently as yesterday I cared about. Why can’t I care about anything today? I usually ‘care too much for my own good’ so maybe the flat and empties are just my brain’s way of levelling things out. It’s a theory….

The real difficulty with the flat and empties is the fact that you have to do battle with yourself to get ANYTHING done. Doing battle isn’t exactly straightforward when you don’t care about anything. You just want to admit defeat and go back to doing nothing and not caring.

3. Birthdays

I’ll be having a birthday on Saturday and everyone else*** seems to be more interested in this fact than me. It’s not so much that I don’t like birthdays, it’s just that (you guessed it) I don’t really see the point. It’s a day. I’m a year older – although to be fair, the getting older bit doesn’t actually happen overnight. That’s it – a day and I’m older. So what? My brain will still be broken and I’ll still want to hide from the world. The only difference about my birthday is that I have to pretend to be happy so as not to offend anyone. Usually it’s up to me whether I pretend to be happy or not.

It’s nice that people want to be nice to me, of course it is. But the main thing is…. Bah humbug.

4. Time

I suppose you can’t avoid the fact that time has passed when you have a birthday. If I really wanted to be bleak about it I could point out that a birthday is just a miserable pointer that more time has disappeared without you getting to where you want to be. Woe is me!

When I was 29 I wrote a trite and pretentious poem called ‘Ode to my twenties’. I didn’t keep it, but the central premise what that my twenties had been rubbish but my thirties wouldn’t be. I was wrong about that. At least so far – I suppose I’ve got seven more years until I can say, categorically, that I was wrong.

Here’s the other thing about time. It passes. That’s all time does – it just happens. Time doesn’t heal or make anything any better. Time isn’t precious. It passes and it keeps on coming – you get rid of it. That is all.

5. The stupid things people say

I went to Kingston today and got stopped by a chugger. Chuggers always stop me – it’s a bit like that thing that babies and cats do with people who don’t really like them: radiate towards them and make them feel uncomfortable. I don’t like talking to stangers and chuggers seem to make a beeline for me. Why?

Anyway – I’m too polite (or frightened) to ignore people if they speak to me so I got the banter about Cancer Research, or whatever it was, and then I employed ‘The Phrase’. I used to get all tongue tied trying to explain that I already did payroll giving and had set up direct debits to charities of my choice but I hated it because I always thought that they thought I was lying. When I mentioned this to Mr Wise he told me what to say and it works every time. You have to look them in the eye, smile and then say:

“I’m really sorry but I can’t help you with that today”

This particular chugger said – ‘okay not to worry. Would you like to hear a fact before you go?’ And I thought oh bums – it didn’t work he’s going to have a killer fact that will give me the guilts and force me to hand over my bank account details in shame….. This is what he said:

“You know the word ‘news’?”

“Yes”, I said because that particular word does indeed form part of my vocabulary.

“Well, it’s actually made up from the first letters of the words North, East, West and South”

I thought this was HIGHLY unlikely, and sounded a bit stupid.

At this point I could have said “how interesting thank you for the fact” and made my escape but it seemed HIGHLY unlikely and sounded a bit stupid (which bothered me) so I said “Really (dubious voice) how do you know that?”

This is what he said:

“Somebody told me”

Jesus Christ. What is the matter with people? If I’d been quick enough off the mark I’d have thought of an even more ridiculous fact to tell him. But I wasn’t so I walked away feeling bothered.

Of course I looked it up when I got home. His fact? Yeah, well isn’t a fact. It’s (SWEARING WARNING FOR ROXY) bullshit.

6. The merits and demerits of pink jeans.

I went to Kingston in order to buy a pink top to go with some trousers I have. I didn’t buy a pink top but I did buy some pink jeans. I’m still not sure how I feel about that….

Here ends the post in want of a proper title.

Lots of love, WeeGee xx

*IMHO

**It must be all the Olympic diving I’ve been watching

***Not quite ‘everyone’ but a lot of people who know me

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

Things fall apart

Posted on by WeeGee

I didn’t make the title of this post up myself. I borrowed it from a clever man who borrowed it from another clever man – it just seemed right for today.

Yesterday didn’t go according to plan. That is what you call an understatement by the way. The plan for today had to change owing to yesterday not going to plan, but that’s okay.

The plan for today ended up being the plan that WeeGee is best of all at following – the plan you have to stick to in order to put it all back together again. Again. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve had to put it all back together again (again), but that’s also okay.

Today I took care of myself. I’m forever telling other people to ‘take care’ and I know I need to learn to take a little bit of my own advice. It was a quiet, contemplative day in WeeGee land. I fed myself and relaxed and I got my apologies in. When I was ready I did the routine de-brief with Mr Wise.

Mr Wise gets it. He always gets it even when I can’t explain it very well at all. I still don’t really understand why I called the crisis team and not him last night. Self sabotage I suppose. Next time things fall apart I have to remember to call Mr Wise because only he can look into my head and say ‘yeah, I see it, but it doesn’t matter because it’s going to be okay’

I’m about to have a birthday. It’s the second birthday I’ve had since the worst thing ever happened, which also means that it’s almost the two year anniversary of the worst thing ever. Anniversaries matter to me. An elephant never forgets.

Anyway – I’m rambling because I’m tired and a little bit mental (but not in a scary way). All I really wanted to say is that I have come to the conclusion that every once in a while things will probably fall apart for me. And that’s okay.

I will probably never get to a point in my life where I say – ‘that’s it; I’m never going to fall apart again’, but what I can do is learn lessons when I do fall apart so that eventually I will find a soft enough place to fall.

Lots of love from WeeGee xx

 

 

 

Posted in Welcome to my world

You know you’re having a bad day when….

Posted on by WeeGee

…. You get two calls to the crisis team in before supper*

I’m going to have to issue one of those ‘trigger warnings’ now. I don’t want to upset anybody or put them in a bad place so please bow out now if you are vulnerable about – self harm, suicide attempts, weird food stuff or mental madness in general.

Is there anybody left? Are you sure? This is quite long and not very cheery until the very end….

So, yeah, self harm, suicide attempts, weird food stuff and a bit of mental madness to boot. I have some larks don’t I?

For three or four days my brain was on best behaviour. I managed to trick it into playing a game of ‘let’s just try really, really hard for a while and see what happens’ and it worked until my brain decided it wasn’t going along with that anymore. As brain quite rightly pointed out, what’s the point of trying really, really hard if you end up where you always do anyway (which, for the record, is curled up in a teeny tiny ball trying desperately not to make plans to end your life sometime soon)?

I had a rotten dream last night. I could have done without it because when I woke up and remembered it (at just gone three am this morning) it stirred up some stuff that most definitely didn’t need stirring. I guess everyone has stuff that doesn’t need stirring – I’ve got a lot of it and if I have learned only one thing about stirring stuff that doesn’t need stirring it’s that if you absolutely have to stir it you should NEVER EVER do it between the hours of 10pm and 7am because of the golden rule of safe stirring: stirring is not be done when it is quiet and everyone else is asleep.

Thankfully (maybe) not everyone was asleep because there was my local friendly crisis team – on call 24/7 for my every mental madness emergency. So I phoned them up and told them I’d broken the golden rule of safe stirring and was now going a bit mental.

We tried to work out ‘what had gotten into me’ but for some reason (I don’t know which reason) I didn’t tell them the whole truth. I told them I wasn’t hungry and there was nothing obviously dangerous in the flat. Two breaths, two pointless lies. Why? Just why?

The truth was that I wasn’t hungry but starving hungry having eaten nothing but a bag of Doritos all day. Actually, here’s another rule for you. If you absolutely have to be mental, avoid being starving and mental at the same time AT ALL COSTS. It’s rubbish. Truly rubbish.

Why hadn’t I eaten anything all day? I decided not to. That was it. I just decided and once I’m decided on something like that I’m totally decided. The theory goes is that I use deciding not to eat in order to punish myself somehow. I don’t know if that’s it but it’s as good a theory as any, so I guess I have to go with it. Why didn’t I tell the nice crisis support people that I hadn’t eaten? Because I didn’t want to. I wanted to keep it all to myself.

Why was there something dangerous in the flat? Well there wasn’t – not in the ‘usual’ sense which is really just to say that I hadn’t deliberately brought anything into the flat in order to deliberately hurt myself. But a girl’s got to shave her legs, right? So there were ‘the emergency disposable razors’, which were not intended to be dangerous but which could be with a little determination) And I didn’t tell the crisis team chaps about them because this was an emergency and I had all the determination I needed. I was mental and angry and frightened and, in all honesty, I didn’t want anyone to talk me down. I dismantled the disposable razors with relative ease and bob’s your uncle, fanny’s your aunt…. I hurt myself. It hurt and made me feel small and foolish and even more frightened. It was supposed to make it better – it was supposed to get rid of whatever it was that had gotten in to me.

A period of pacing commenced. I felt like I was waiting for something. I don’t know what – maybe it was the thing I thought was going to happen the other day? I decided to curl up and do my waiting on the couch. It started to get light and I wondered if that was what I was waiting for – morning, because everything is better in the morning? Except it isn’t – it’s exactly the same. Every single lousy morning is exactly the same (that was broken brain’s take on it by the way).

I tried the crisis team again because I didn’t think I was going to make it. They suggested diazepam (another emergency ration, but GP approved unlike the disposable razors) and if I couldn’t do that (I’m scared of diazepam because it’s habit forming) it was ‘maybe time to think about coming in’.

Okay. So I thought about ‘coming in’ and dismissed that because I felt more mental than I’d ever felt before and decided that if I went in, I’d probably never get out again. I didn’t want that to happen. So I carried on waiting. Waiting and thinking. It all got a bit boo hoo and grizzly.

And then there was an epiphany moment in WeeGee’s broken brain. What I was waiting for was…. the last day WeeGee would ever spend on Earth. Not only that – I’d made it. No more waiting! Today was the day.

Once I had decided that this was the last day that WeeGee would spend on the planet things got a bit easier. There are things you need to organise if you’re about to bow out like making sure ‘the box’ is in order. ‘The box’ lives on top of my wardrobe and has a copy of my will, bank account details, information that my parents need about probate, insurance document, strict instructions about dealing with The Cat, a couple of photos and some letters. Ever since I got hit by a bus** I’ve been paranoid about making things as easy as possible for my loved ones  if I check out early – whether at my own hand or by an act of god. ‘The box’ was in order.

I had a shower and got ready. It took a while to decide what I was going to wear but in the end I settled on the skirt I wanted to be buried in (don’t ask – it’s stupid). I fed the little man and then fed him again. I think that was guilt. And then I headed to the outside world to purchase a tin of Heinz tomato soup and 32 painkillers. It’s a bit dangerous that I know that there is a shop within walking distance that sells painkillers 32 at a time. I see that now but I don’t know how to ‘unknow’ it. That is a problem for another day.

I got back – opened the curtains (because no-one wants to spend their last moments on planet Earth in the dark) and heated up the soup. Heinz tomato soup isn’t much of a last supper is it? All I can say is that if you have decided that this is the last day you will spend on planet earth YOU ARE CLEARLY NOT OF YOUR RIGHT MIND and are almost certainly in no fit state to decide what your last meal should be.

I washed up and emptied the bins and then fed Gryff again. A lot of food this time in case I wasn’t found for days. And then I sat staring at a box of 32 painkillers for a very long time. First of all I put them very far away from me, and gradually I brought them closer until they were right in front of my face. And I looked at them for another very long time.

By this time Gryff was sitting in ‘croissant cat’ position looking at me looking at the painkillers. And I came all over all soppy. I thought about the worst life night of my life ever (which was also the worst night of Gryff’s life) and how when I finally got to bed that night be had jumped up, burrowed under the covers and curled up next to my tummy and stayed there all night to stay safe and to keep me safe. And I wondered who he would curl up with to be safe when he realised that I, the only person he ever trusted, wasn’t coming back. And then I thought about Mr Friendly, and Mr Wise, Mrs Worry and Mr Hilarious who would all, in their own ways, blame themselves even though it was nothing to do with them. And I thought about my mum who would never, ever be able to understand no matter hard she tried.

And then I thought FOR FUCK’S SAKE GAIL WEEGEE. Are you really going to top yourself BECAUSE YOU HAD A BAD DREAM? After everything that happened and everything you bounced back from? Seriously! What is the matter with you……. PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER.

‘Pull yourself together’ is not something you should ever say to someone with mental health problems. But, if you yourself are mental you are allowed to say it to yourself. Not because it will make it all better but because it will stop it all getting worse. Sometimes that is all you can hope for – things not getting worse.

Where am I now? I’m mostly back. I’m fed and watered and safe. I’m playing ‘let’s just try really, really hard for a while and see what happens’ once more. It’s the only game I’ve ever been any good at.

Love from WeeGee  xx

PS – I re-read this one and realised that it’s a bit wonky and meandering and mental. Sorry. But you know me 🙂

*Dinner if you aren’t pretentious like me. Or tea if you are from The North

**Which is a whole ‘nother story!