Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

The real damage

Today didn’t get off to a good start: some idiot turned up outside my flat at 7:30am and started digging a massive hole in the road with a MASSIVE drill type thing. It woke me up (on my second to last day of annual leave) and Gryff didn’t like it so he went bat shit crazy and jumped on my head causing a small blood injury. It was tremendous fun.

I understand that the guy had a job to do. But why did he have to do it outside my window at SEVEN THIRTY IN THE MORNING on the second to last day of my annual leave. Plus what’s he digging a hole for anyway? In my experience these people tend to come along and dig a massive hole in the road. Then they come back a few days later and fill the massive hole back up again. It’s a stroke of genius if you think about it. I mean, you’re never going to be out of a job are you…..?

I’m still grumpy almost twelve hours later. Can you tell? Anyway, let’s move swiftly on.

I’ve had a busy little head today. There’s been the usual nonsense to contend with, because that stuff never really goes away and there’s been some pretty big stuff like time, and existence, and identity, and religion. That’s some pretty big stuff there, isn’t it? I don’t think I’m ready to write that post just yet!

The other thing that’s been on my mind is friendship.

And that’s what I’m going to write about today.

Here’s the thing. I don’t have many friends. I don’t say that in a boo hoo please feel all sorry for me kinda way. I say it as a simple fact. It doesn’t bother me because I think the few friends I have are as many as I can cope with without me going PROPER mental. And also because the few friends I have are special. They mean something to me.

Here are some of the reasons that I have a small circle of friends…. I’m shy. I’m quiet. I don’t trust people. It takes me ages to get used to people, but sometimes it doesn’t matter because on occasion I decide that I hate someone as soon as I meet them. There isn’t a reason for hating them, not really but that’s the way I feel. I’m told this is wrong. I call it a gut feeling. Who says gut feelings are bad?

Here are some more reasons: I don’t understand people. I don’t understand people’s feelings. I find it baffling when people don’t feel the same way as I do, or like the same things that I do. I don’t lack empathy (no need to panic!) I just don’t quite get it when it comes to other people.

Here is the final reason: I get attached to people. In fact, I get too attached to people. In my experience getting too attached to people is a sure fire way to get yourself hurt. There have been a number of times in my life when I’ve just let somebody disappear altogether because I sensed they were disappearing a little bit. Generally speaking, it’s all or nothing with me and all or nothing is a difficult thing to be friends with – it seems needy and clingy and selfish. Maybe it is. But in my defence it’s also incredibly loyal.

Still, ‘all or nothing’ hurts me because I let people go when I don’t need to let them go. If I could understand the middle ground I would have millions of friends. I don’t think I really want to have millions of friends because that would be a bit overwhelming but I do wish I could learn not to let people go in order to protect myself because once I get to a certain distance from it I realise that the real damage is in letting go completely, not losing a little bit. Does that make any sense what so ever?

Let’s have a Frank Turner song called ‘The real damage’ while we have a little think about it:

I’ve had a little think….. It makes sense, but then I would think that because I wrote it!

In some way ‘friendship’ is on my mind because of my birthday. My friends are busy people, not shitty people and that’s why it was such a quiet day. Plus I don’t care about my birthday and my friends were all aware of that fact. I know that. But then I went and got all worried that I was more attached to everyone I know that they were to me and I decided I was going to get hurt very badly and that I was ‘setting myself up for a fall’. I decided I shouldn’t care at all and that I didn’t need any friends EVER AGAIN. Everyone was excommunicated. WeeGee against the world….

But then I decided that was broken brain speaking and told myself over and over that it was going to be okay. It’s going to be okay, isn’t it?

My friends care about me – of course they do. Mr Friendly and Mr Hilarious and Mrs Sparkle all came through in the end. Mum and dad came through too and even my brother got his act together and sent a little text. You need to know my brother to understand what a big deal that is!

So it was all okay.

But then I thought about some of the people I’ve met on WordPress and how much I care about them. I mean genuinely care about. I thought wanted to meet everybody in real life because that would make it all better and then everything would be fine. And then I thought uh oh! You’re doing it again. You’re getting all attached and involved with people THAT YOU’VE NEVER EVEN MET and that is going to end in disaster one way or another. You’re going to get yourself hurt. So I decided that there was only one thing for it. I had to stop blogging IMMEDIATELY and forget about everyone I’d come across.

But then I decided that was broken brain speaking and told myself over and over that it was going to be okay. It’s going to be okay, isn’t it?

Starting my blog is one of the best things I’ve ever done in terms of managing my mental health. I thought blogging would give me an outlet, but what it actually brought was more support, reassurance and friendship than I could ever imagine. And it’s okay to care about people, isn’t it?

Since I started blogging I’ve met people that I genuinely care about: Sailors, and Bourbons, and lovely Brandics, and Mooses (is that the plural of Moose?) and Roxys and Potters and so, so many more – everyone, actually. And it’s okay to care. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing and you don’t need to meet the people you care about to make it all better. You just need to find comfort in the fact that they are out there, and that they ‘get’ you and they will support you and that you ‘get’ them and will support them right back. And that’s what it’s all about.

So it was all okay.

It turned into an Oscars speech in the end didn’t it? But it was a revelation to me….

Lots and LOTS of love from WeeGee (who has realised that it’s okay to care and that it’s probably going to be okay) xx


20 thoughts on “The real damage

  1. This made me smile because I think it’s really nice that there are two brains out there underneath the same stars (except you can’t see them in London) making the other one feel less lonely.

    That’s not too bad at all is it? xx

    1. Dear Dotty,

      No. The arseholes were back this morning AND they bought some 80’s rock anthems with them.

      I have a feeling this is going to end very, very badly.

      Love WeeGee xx

  2. I know exactly what you mean about friends, I do exactly the same thing with friends, although I’ve never really been able to look at it coherently until I read this. That’s it, that’s exactly why I do it. Thank you.

    And I hope you have a fantastic last day of your leave to make up for the hole in the road people today.

    1. It’s funny – sometimes you write a post thinking ‘what I’m I doing – everyone is going to think I’m a weirdo’ but then you realise you aren’t a weirdo at all and that there are plenty of people out there who get it. It really is the best thing about blogging.


      PS the hole diggers are back 😦

  3. I have no real time friends other that my partner. I have a few acquaintances in the workplace, but they are far from friends. I don’t trust people and most I don’t like so while I am at times lonely I am not willing to risk being hurt in order to have a friend. Gees I sound pathetic! xx

  4. Im proud to call you my friend because you take the time out to reach out to me if I need cheering up. Dont worry about a small number of friends I have 0 real life friends. 1 if you include Sheryl but she has to like me lol.
    For the record there is no plural of depressed moose because I am one of a kind 😀

  5. OH my gosh I really hope that the hole in the road doesn’t last too long. When my partner and I just moved into this flat for 6 months we had workmen playing around with a hole right outside our window at stupid hours in the morning. Seriously I could have throttled them one!
    Secondly, I know what you mean about friendship. Especially intense friendship. I am very quick to get tied into intense friendships because I start to lose myself in them and just give my all to the other person. I am somewhat reliant on the other person not to engulf me with their needs and wishes. I’m learning, slowly, to be able to put up boundaries and whatnot to allow myself the personal space that everybody needs. But I think there’s clingy and then there’s CLINGY. There’s clingy which is: I really like you, I really like talking to you and would like it if we spoke frequently on lots of different mediums and I care about you so don’t go hurting me… and then theres CLINGY which is: OMG YOU HAVEN’T TEXTED BACK IN 2 MINUTES HOW DARE YOU. Or OMG YOU CAN’T POSSIBLY GO OFFLINE! I HATE YOU! I don’t see you as being the second clingy, I really don’t. I see you as being the first one, like me. Where you need your friends around you, you need them to show they are there and they care. Don’t we all? I only have a small circle of friends too but this year I plan to expand it a little bit – starting with you. I know we don’t HAVE to meet in real life to be good friends but I’m glad that we are. Because we can. We only live 40 minutes away from each other for gods sake, it would be stupid not to! p.s. do you want to know a secret? When I texted you today and your name popped up on my iphone in return I got all excited. I took a risk actually messaging you because I am so paranoid about bothering people. But you responded – and that meant the world to me. Thank you. I’ll stop with this essay now…. sorry :p xx

    1. Oh bless you Bourbon. I can’t wait to meet you – you truly are a sweetie. I completely agree we don’t have to meet to be good friends but we’re practically round the corner so it’d be daft not to and do you know what? I think it will be good for us both. I really do.

      I was so pleased when you dropped me a line earlier. Like I said I was having a little worry about you so I was glad to hear from you… xx

      I think I’m defifnitely clingy rather than CLINGY – and the best part is that I know I can be clingy so I work hard not to be over bearing. That’s to my credit that is!

  6. It’s all part of mutability. Like other good things, some friends and relationships have shorter shelf lives than others, and no good comes of keeping them longer! Similarly, enjoy while it’s fresh. What’s harder to accept is that the other people also find one’s own friendship has a limited term of ‘goodness’ – so for them it ‘goes off’ – it isn’t necessarily anything wrong we did, just life moving on. Hard lines if their friendship is still fresh for you.

    1. That’s spot on. It really is. I think I need to do a bit of work on ‘acquaintances’ though if that makes sense? It’s not all or nothing. You don’t have to live in each others pockets – you can just meet up for a pint* once in a while and that’s okay…..


      *Except I don’t drink pints. I’m teeny tiny. I’d fall over if I drank a whole pint of alcoholic liquid!

      1. Absolutely. People are quite frightened off if they think someone is investing more trust or emotion in them than they can handle. Once-a-week friends or get-together-every-third-Saturday friends can work really well.

  7. it really is okay! i can totally relate to not having many friends nor wanting many. it is too overwhelming, i feel the demands on me would be too much, and i struggle to say “no” when i need to. i am happy with just one or two that take me the way i am. that feels safe for me. i am also afraid of getting hurt. i made a couple really close friends in the last place i lived and leaving them has been more painful than i can imagine. even harder, is the fact that i hardly hear from them now. the place i am living now, i have been at for 4 months and i haven’t met a single soul. we will be moving sometime in the near future to a home of our own, so i don’t want to make friends and have to leave them again…i don’t yet know where exactly we will be living and i don’t venture far from home. it is so hard…sorry this became a book…all this to say i get how you feel!

How about a little chat?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s