Tag: Today

Posted in About today

Ancient history

Posted on by WeeGee

I hate the past. Why can’t we just leave it behind? Why does what happened before have to matter to now? I loved history at school but I suppose that was because I was too young to have a history of my own then. I didn’t understand what the past was going to mean to me in the future.

Time again, eh? It makes your head explode.

This time two years ago I was happy. Truly – I was happy. Sure I had a broken brain but I was in charge – I was managing it and life was good. Then, one day it all changed. It really was as quick as that. One day I had one life and the next day I had another life. I never wanted the other life. I wasn’t built for it. You see this life that I have? I’m not supposed to be in it.

Let’s get rid of all that broken brain stuff. Broken brain is a big problem but, in the main scheme of things it’s the least of the things I have to worry about. The truth of it is, the biggest thing, and the rawest thing, and the thing that hurts the most is the fact that I am lonely.

I’m lonely because I’m alone. That stands to reason. I had a birthday the other day and do you know how many people I spoke to on my birthday? One. That’s one fellow human being – not just on any day, but on my birthday. By the way – I have two parents and one sibling. You can do the maths there, can’t you? I’m not a bad person. I’m not a horrible person. I’m just a frightened person. Or does being frightened make you bad and horrible? Is it another one of those rules that I don’t quite understand.

Where is everybody? Where are those people that I care so much for that it HURTS? Why do I care so much that it HURTS for people who aren’t even attached enough to drop me a line on my birthday? Why does any of this matter to me? If you tell people you don’t care about your birthday you shouldn’t be surprised that they don’t care either, should you?

What’s the matter with me?

I’m also lonely because my head seems to be different. It’s not that I think I’m special or unique – it’s just that my brain doesn’t seem to work like other peoples. Sometimes I say things and people look at me like I’m a freak or an alien or something. How do I always manage to get it so wrong? How did I end up being not real or proper? Am I really an alien from planet odd? Why can’t I be like everybody else?

Sometimes I’m not sure if I’m mental or just a bit of a weido… Either way, I don’t like it. I don’t like it at all.

Am I feeling sorry for myself? You betcha! Do I have good reason? Who knows?

Love from WeeGee – all mixed up and lonely and overwhelmed xxx

Posted in Welcome to my world

Where my head is at

Posted on by WeeGee

It gets tiring sometimes, doesn’t it? Being alive, and being mental, and having ‘things on your mind’. I feel like I’m unravelling. I want to gather myself up but somehow, I just can’t seem to manage it. I can’t make it stop. I can’t make it go away.

Do you know what I wish? I wish there was a way that I could just let people look in to my head so that they could see it all without me having to say it all. I don’t know how to say it, I really don’t. I like words and I know a lot of them but when it comes to what’s in my head I struggle to find the right ones.

Do you know what else I wish? I wish there was somebody out there who knew the answer to what’s in my head. I know that there isn’t an answer but I wish there was and I wish I could find the person who knows it. I suppose I’m still looking for somebody to save me with the answer. It’s stupid because I have no idea what the question is so how can I expect somebody to answer it for me?

I’m telling myself to ‘keep my head’ and that it will be ‘okay’. I’m trying not to think what ‘okay’ means. Does being okay mean that I stay alive or does it mean something different? I hope it means something different but I suspect it doesn’t. Is the point of being alive really nothing more than that you manage to stay alive? I don’t get it.

I’m sorry that I can’t find better words than that.

I’m sorry I’ve written a pointless post. I felt like I wanted to get something out, and I did – although I’m not entirely sure what I have achieved in the end. I suppose I wrote about nothing and nowhere. That’s where my head is at.

What can I say? Stay tuned for more pointless posts!

Lots of love from WeeGee xx

Posted in Reasons to be cheerful

Going to the Olympics: Better than…

Posted on by WeeGee

… Frank Turner!

Yep. That’s right. You heard it here first – going to London 2012 is officially better that going to see Frank Turner at the Hammersmith Apollo on the 22nd November 2011. This is big news in WeeGee land by the way.

I understand that not everybody cares about the Olympic Games, so here’s a quick summary of WeeGee at the Olympic Games for those of you who don’t want to read an over excited and gushing post all about the Olympics.

A quick summary

1. There are huge crowds of trillions of people at the Olympic Games – WeeGee doesn’t like huge crowds of trillions of people.

2. At least a million strangers amongst the huge crowds of trillions of people at the Olympic Games will speak to you without warning – Wee Gee doesn’t like at least a million strangers speaking to her without warning.

3. WeeGee went to the Olympics and at least a million strangers amongst the huge crowds of trillions of people at the Olympic Games spoke to her without warning – WeeGee LOVED going to the Olympics.

Here’s an even quicker summary of WeeGee at the Games just to make sure you get the gist of how over excited and gushing I am.

An even quicker summary

WOW!

An over excited and gushing post all about the Olympics

I thought I was all interested and involved in the Olympics before I actually went along to the Olympics. All I can say is I hadn’t seen anything yet! It was amazing. Like, totally AMAZEBALLS.

The back story is this:

I was really looking forward to going, but at the same time I had a list of ‘things to be anxious about’ that was as long as my arm. First of all there was the fact that I was going somewhere that I didn’t ‘know  what I was doing’ – I like to know the rules so that I can avoid getting anxious about doing it wrong and looking like an idiot. Then there were the huge crowds of at least a trillion people to contend with – I never quite know how my brain is going to react under such circumstances. Then there was going on the tube with huge crowds of at least a trillion people. I was also extremely worried that I would arrive at the Olympics and decide that I wanted to go home IMMEDIATELY. Or what if I got to the Olympics and realised that I was more mental than I’d ever been before and had a complete nervous breakdown at the Olympics? Finally – what if the toilets were grotty?

Thinking about now it’s amazing that I got there really – but then again I did have a secret weapon on the day – Mr Friendly. Mr Friendly is friendly, and brave and calm and actually pretty good at laughing along with WeeGee when the mentals strike. Good old Mr Friendly!

Broken brain was still in flat and empty mode on the day WeeGee went to the games – well at least at the start of the day. I very nearly called Mr Friendly to say’ I can’t go, why don’t you take your flat mate instead?’ But then I remembered that I can do a good job of ignoring the flat and empties so it would be okay in the end. In the end, it was better than okay. There were a few jittery moments, but they were few and far between and there were a number of moments when I felt NORMAL and/or HAPPY – the Olympic Games: Good for your mental health.

This is the view of the approach to the Olympic Park (if you come via West Ham, anyway):

It really does take your breath away – what with the scale of it and the expectancy and the general awesomeness. Along the way, there are loads of volunteers welcoming you and being all friendly and helpful and whooping everybody up. It’s difficult not to get excited. By the way, you see that massive curly wurly thing in the background? I went all the way to the top of it. That’s how brave I was when I went to the Olympics (more about that later)

When I got to security, I didn’t know what I was doing and I was a bit anxious. Was it exactly like airport security or were there different special rules that I didn’t know about? Was I allowed to take my NRT lozenges in or would they be confiscated and if so – THEN WHAT WOULD I DO? Would I have to take my shoes off (I hate taking my shoes off. I hate other people taking their shoes off more – I’m afraid of feet)? Did I have some unexpected contraband in my bag – like a gun – that I didn’t know about?

The answer? Everything was fine. WeeGee coped just fine. Go WeeGee!

It became clear to me as I went through security that strangers were going to speak to me at the Olympic Games. Instead of deciding I wanted to go home IMMEDIATELY in order to avoid this, I decided I was going to play a game of ‘let’s see how many strangers WeeGee can manage to speak to back without going mental’.

The answer? Loads!

Here is WeeGee arriving at the Olympic Park having being whooped up by the volunteers and buoyed by speaking to strangers and not knowing what she was doing but coping. Yes. That’s the face I pull when those things happen:

Once we got into the Olympic Park WeeGee took a leap of faith and decided that she was going to go to the top of the huge curly wurly thing. It was a leap of faith because a) it was huge and I didn’t know how you got back down and b) once again, I didn’t really know what was going to happen when I got to the top.

Here’s what happened. You go up to a viewing platform 84 feet high and look down on the Stadium. If you are lucky enough to be up there when a race is taking place you will hear a mahoosive roar from inside the stadium and it will be so mahoosive that the hairs on the back of your neck will stand up. Then you go to a different viewing platform to watch the athletes warming up/training and wonder whether Usain Bolt is down there and think WOW – I am here! This is the view from the top of the curly wurly thing:

Then you realise you have to walk down all 84 feet of the curly wurly thing and, on the way down, you cling on to the banister for dear life. When you get to the bottom you feel proud of yourself for going up and coming down – imagine if you had let the mentals stop you. And you are double proud of yourself because you only went and initiated a conversation with a stranger because his children amused you and you wanted to tell him and be friendly. Go WeeGee!

Next stop was what we thought to be the Biggest McDonalds in the World for a quarter pounder, fries and fat coke. The McDonalds we went to was pretty huge but we later realised that is was teeny tiny in comparison to the actual Biggest McDonalds in the World! (a note on McDonalds – the last time I ate there was May 2011. It’s definitely better the less often you have it!)

We spent a long time just wandering around soaking up the atmosphere, because the atmosphere was totally amazing. Everybody was all happy and excited and friendly and, while we were wandering around, I managed to initiate conversation with a random stranger #2 by talking to a nice man about ‘The Cube’. Totally go WeeGee – I was on fire!

It really is amazing being at the Olympic park by the way, did I mention that? I don’t think I’m doing a good job of putting it into words. Then again – I don’t actually think you can adequately put it into words. I’ve been to a few huge sporting and musical events in my time but they’re always a bit chaotic, and scary and grubby. The Olympics is none of those things. It’s organised and exciting and very, very clean. Even the toilets are acceptable!

As we headed up towards the hockey venue we saw this:

An as yet unidentified dude from the BBC… everyone was looking at him and waving even though nobody knew who he was or what he was doing. It’s amazing what people will get excited about, isn’t it?! By the way – there’s a prize for anyone who can identify the dude from the BBC….

Finally after much soaking up of atmosphere we arrived at the hockey venue. This is what it looked like:

And this was team GB lining up for the anthems against Pakistan:

It was amazing to see all that red white and blue in one place at one time. Truly amazing. We’ve already established that I’m not a fan of flags – I guess because I associate them with fascists and hooligans. My association is clearly wrong, because there was nothing unpleasant about seeing all those union flags being brandished so proudly. It was actually quite beautiful. Maybe I’m not a cynic anymore because even I got in on the action and purchased a hat with the union flag on top. Here’s WeeGee getting in the team GB spirit by wearing a rather fetching hat (it was an impulse purchase):

And here’s the crowd just after roaring out God Save Aunt Jean (she keeps us nice and clean) – all the hairs on the back of my neck were up at this point and it was only a prelim match!

Guess what? Team GB won! Perfect. I had a super time watching the hockey even if I didn’t always know what was going on!

We headed towards the end of day with WeeGee getting the opportunity to watch Mr Friendly in action as he actually properly spoke to some strangers. Two blokes from Winchester wanted to chat (not just small talk) and I didn’t like it at all because I didn’t know what to say and I wanted to LEAVE IMMEDIATELY. Mr friendly just got on with it for a while and then realised I wanted to leave and got me outta there. Good old Mr Friendly again!

We rounded up the day in the viewing park watching the rowers getting gold and singing along with God Save Aunt Jean again and seeing Victoria Pendleton winning her gold medal on the big screen. Exciting! Go Team GB!!

I love the Olympics and I loved going to the Olympics. I’ve written a long post but I definitely didn’t do it justice although I tried my best. Maybe I should have stuck with the even shorter summary because that probably said it all:

WOW!

If you don’t have tickets for an event and have a spare ten pounds it is WELL WORTH buying a ticket to go in and have a look around and to watch a few events at the viewing park. Seriously – the Olympics are better than Frank Turner. There is no higher recommendation than that!

Lots of Olympic Love, WeeGee xx

PS. Just in case you are wondering why both of the photos of me are in black and white it’s because everybody looks better in black and white – especially WeeGee who looks like a moron in colour. Here’s the proof:

Posted in About today

A post in want of a proper title

Posted on by WeeGee

Not only is this post in want of a proper title, it is also slightly unusual. Ordinarily, before I write a post, I spend some time thinking about what I want to write about, come up with a clever and witty title* as well as a loose structure. There are usually a couple of drafts.

I haven’t done any of that today. In fact I’m just going to dive right in** and get started stream of consciousness style. This could be interesting given the state of my consciousness.

There’s a lot on my mind today.

Here’s a list of what’s on my mind:

1. Rollercoasters

A lot of people describe the experience of living with mental health conditions as akin to being on a rollercoaster. It’s not a phrase I’ve ever used myself but it occurred to me today that that’s exactly what it’s like. It’s all up/down, backwards/forwards, upside down/inside out and from side to side. There’s also that bit when you’re peering over the edge filled full of fear and panic thinking you’re going to die. So, yeah – living in my brain is exactly like living on a rollercoaster.

Incidentally, I don’t like real life Rollercoasters at all. Why spend your hard earned cash to get filled full of fear and panic when you are capable of achieving the exact same results without having to leave the comfort of your own home. My take is that if you really want to experience terror you’d do well to keep your money and take up being mental instead. That’s A Joke by the way.

2. The flat and empties

The flat and empties are upon me today. I find the flat and empties frustrating because I find it difficult to understand why I no longer care about the things that as recently as yesterday I cared about. Why can’t I care about anything today? I usually ‘care too much for my own good’ so maybe the flat and empties are just my brain’s way of levelling things out. It’s a theory….

The real difficulty with the flat and empties is the fact that you have to do battle with yourself to get ANYTHING done. Doing battle isn’t exactly straightforward when you don’t care about anything. You just want to admit defeat and go back to doing nothing and not caring.

3. Birthdays

I’ll be having a birthday on Saturday and everyone else*** seems to be more interested in this fact than me. It’s not so much that I don’t like birthdays, it’s just that (you guessed it) I don’t really see the point. It’s a day. I’m a year older – although to be fair, the getting older bit doesn’t actually happen overnight. That’s it – a day and I’m older. So what? My brain will still be broken and I’ll still want to hide from the world. The only difference about my birthday is that I have to pretend to be happy so as not to offend anyone. Usually it’s up to me whether I pretend to be happy or not.

It’s nice that people want to be nice to me, of course it is. But the main thing is…. Bah humbug.

4. Time

I suppose you can’t avoid the fact that time has passed when you have a birthday. If I really wanted to be bleak about it I could point out that a birthday is just a miserable pointer that more time has disappeared without you getting to where you want to be. Woe is me!

When I was 29 I wrote a trite and pretentious poem called ‘Ode to my twenties’. I didn’t keep it, but the central premise what that my twenties had been rubbish but my thirties wouldn’t be. I was wrong about that. At least so far – I suppose I’ve got seven more years until I can say, categorically, that I was wrong.

Here’s the other thing about time. It passes. That’s all time does – it just happens. Time doesn’t heal or make anything any better. Time isn’t precious. It passes and it keeps on coming – you get rid of it. That is all.

5. The stupid things people say

I went to Kingston today and got stopped by a chugger. Chuggers always stop me – it’s a bit like that thing that babies and cats do with people who don’t really like them: radiate towards them and make them feel uncomfortable. I don’t like talking to stangers and chuggers seem to make a beeline for me. Why?

Anyway – I’m too polite (or frightened) to ignore people if they speak to me so I got the banter about Cancer Research, or whatever it was, and then I employed ‘The Phrase’. I used to get all tongue tied trying to explain that I already did payroll giving and had set up direct debits to charities of my choice but I hated it because I always thought that they thought I was lying. When I mentioned this to Mr Wise he told me what to say and it works every time. You have to look them in the eye, smile and then say:

“I’m really sorry but I can’t help you with that today”

This particular chugger said – ‘okay not to worry. Would you like to hear a fact before you go?’ And I thought oh bums – it didn’t work he’s going to have a killer fact that will give me the guilts and force me to hand over my bank account details in shame….. This is what he said:

“You know the word ‘news’?”

“Yes”, I said because that particular word does indeed form part of my vocabulary.

“Well, it’s actually made up from the first letters of the words North, East, West and South”

I thought this was HIGHLY unlikely, and sounded a bit stupid.

At this point I could have said “how interesting thank you for the fact” and made my escape but it seemed HIGHLY unlikely and sounded a bit stupid (which bothered me) so I said “Really (dubious voice) how do you know that?”

This is what he said:

“Somebody told me”

Jesus Christ. What is the matter with people? If I’d been quick enough off the mark I’d have thought of an even more ridiculous fact to tell him. But I wasn’t so I walked away feeling bothered.

Of course I looked it up when I got home. His fact? Yeah, well isn’t a fact. It’s (SWEARING WARNING FOR ROXY) bullshit.

6. The merits and demerits of pink jeans.

I went to Kingston in order to buy a pink top to go with some trousers I have. I didn’t buy a pink top but I did buy some pink jeans. I’m still not sure how I feel about that….

Here ends the post in want of a proper title.

Lots of love, WeeGee xx

*IMHO

**It must be all the Olympic diving I’ve been watching

***Not quite ‘everyone’ but a lot of people who know me

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

About the Olympic Games (kinda)

Posted on by WeeGee

Yo! Whassuppp? (this is what happens to your vocabulary when you spend a week and a half of your life watching back to back Breaking Bad)*

I thought it was time I did an Olympics post, what with living in London and all…. This is the best I could do.

1. The Olympics and WeeGee’s ‘sense of occasion’

My mum says I have no ‘sense of occasion’ and I can’t really disagree with her, because it’s mostly true. I don’t usually understand ‘occasions’ so I really don’t see why it bothers her that I ‘always’ miss the first dance and the cutting of the cake at family weddings**

I mean I understand that a wedding is a big deal for the people involved and even to some extent for the guests. But all the ceremony is baffling to me – why do I have to be there to see people dancing if I already know they’re all happy and married and stuff? Maybe if I ever have a wedding of my own I’ll understand – although I don’t really understand getting married so it’s quite unlikely I’ll ever have a wedding of my own.

By the way, it’s not just weddings I don’t understand. It’s big occasions generally – like sporting events, and ‘events of national significance’, and award ceremonies, and great big huge concerts.

So why do I find myself so carried away with the Olympics? The Olympics is a big occasion but somehow, I find myself all interested involved. It’s most out of character. I went to see the torch relay twice and even cried the second time. Then I went to watch as the cycle road race as it passed through Kingston. Not only that, during the torch ceremony I high fived a policeman on a motorbike and cheered AND appropriated a flag for the cycling and waved it and cheered as some people on bikes whizzed past me.

I’m on leave this week and I’ve been watching all kinds of sports: people jumping off things, over things, people on horses, in boats, on bikes – people doing all kinds of things that I wouldn’t do.

And I’m enjoying it.

What’s that all about? Is it broken brain or is it brain getting fixed or does WeeGee just care about the Olympic Games all of a sudden? Who knows?!

Having said all that my sense of occasion has clearly not returned altogether… I decided not to bother going to see Bradley Wiggins cycle through Kingston today because Mr Hilarious texted to tell me that I wouldn’t be able to see a thing (because it was packed and because I was so wee). I saw him win on the TV but then I got distracted and decided to empty the bin. I missed the gold medal ceremony whilst I was emptying the bin……

2. The Olympics and being British

I’m not a patriot and I don’t understand flags. I think of myself as (in this order) a person; a Scottish person; a British person. The last two don’t matter to me very much. Oh, and I don’t understand flags. Maybe that’s because I’m a leftie (except I’m not really…..I don’t like labels either)

However – and here’s another contradiction for you – I am on team GB when it comes to the Olympics! What with all the people jumping off things, over things, on horses, in boats, on bikes, punching each other***, stabbing each other****, swimming and etc, etc I want team GB to win! Again – it’s most unlike me because I don’t tend to get tribal about such things.

Anyway all of this got me thinking about ‘my national identity’. As I’ve said I’m not a patriot and national identity isn’t terribly important to me but I can’t help being who I am – a person who lives in Britain. It occurred to me that I write a ‘very British Blog’. Most of my followers are British as is most of my traffic. I have interesting conversations with Brandic (a lovely lady from the U. S. Of A) about the differences in our common language and it strikes me that even if I don’t think of myself as British I just am. Nothing to do with patriotism or national pride – I just am.

So – now you have my thoughts on the Olympics. I’m going to the Olympic park on Friday to watch some hockey. Maybe my thoughts will change again after that. I’ll let you know.

Lots of love, WeeGee the Brit xx

*That’s not the worst thing that happens to your vocabulary but most of it is not civilised enough to be repeated.

**Because I’m either outside having a fag or, since I gave up, hiding in the toilets

***Boxing (which I hate)

****Fencing (which is interesting and useful especially if you do crosswords).

Posted in Reasons to be cheerful

I feel like playing tag!

Posted on by WeeGee

I felt like playing a game today so here are my answers to Madness42’s tag questions. Why not head over to her blog and give her a follow. She’s got a lovely little blog 🙂

1. What made you decide to blog?

I started writing after a particularly bad patch. I was looking for a focus – a project I could organise and manage, a way of keeping myself in the here and now and a change of emphasis in my thinking. I also wanted to share my story, if anyone was interested, and perhaps get some support along the way.

2. What have you done lately that made you go “YES!”

I’m doing the 10,000 steps challenge in aid of Mind at the moment which means I have to take at least 10,000 steps every day for six weeks. I’ve managed it every day so far (even on the proper mental days) so there has been a little ‘yes’ every day from the start of July in WeeGee land!

3. What’s your favourite social network, if you have one?

Well…. I suppose Twitter. It lends itself to pithy humour which I like. I can’t bear Facebook anymore. It really does make me despair of the human race most of the time. I can’t bring myself to delete my profile though!

4. What would you choose to have out of a) a cook b) a cleaner c) a nanny (for those with children!) You can choose more than one!

I’d have a cook. I’m a neat freak and the thought of anyone else tidying up my stuff makes me feel a bit sick! And I don’t have children so a nanny would be redundant unless it was to look after me!

5. If you could make a living doing something you love, what would it be?

Definitely writing. If I ever win the lottery I’m going to disappear to live on a Scottish Island and write to my heart’s content. (And with a few million in the bank I wouldn’t have to worry about actually making a living!)

6. Do you agree with the quote, “Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”?

I’m not sure that I do. I see the point and it’s a nice sentiment but I’m not very good at dealing with loss so it’s too painful for me to agree with.

7. What do you think about the “50 Shades” books? Doesn’t matter if you’ve read them or not!

The existence of the 50 shades books makes me feel disappointed and dismayed. I haven’t read any of them and never will. Life is too short to spend your time reading drivel and nonsense, especially when you think of all the brilliant books you could be reading instead. That’s just my view but I’m an English graduate and a self confessed literary snob!

8. Is having a clean & tidy house important to you?

VERY. If my flat is untidy (which it never really is – sometimes it’s just untidy by my standards and I’d probably still get away with having the vicar round for a brew) I get anxious and can’t concentrate. I need tidy surroundings to keep a tidy mind.

9. Spontaneity or planning?

Planning every time. My life is about lists, lists and more lists. There are lists of the lists!

10. Is there a cause close to your heart? For example, I support the National Autistic Society and their campaigns to make life better for people on the autistic spectrum and to raise awareness of autism.

Justice is something that I believe in above all other things which puts civil liberties fairly high up my list of causes. I’m a member of both Liberty and Amnesty and I write a lot of letters and generally make a pest of myself….

11. What newspaper do you read, if any?

It’s a long time since I bought a hard copy newspaper – I read the Independent, Guardian and Times online. I have never read the Sun and only ever buy it if I’m moving house and needs something to wrap my valuables in (page three goes in the bin!). Told you I was a snob!

Lots of love from WeeGee xx

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

Things fall apart

Posted on by WeeGee

I didn’t make the title of this post up myself. I borrowed it from a clever man who borrowed it from another clever man – it just seemed right for today.

Yesterday didn’t go according to plan. That is what you call an understatement by the way. The plan for today had to change owing to yesterday not going to plan, but that’s okay.

The plan for today ended up being the plan that WeeGee is best of all at following – the plan you have to stick to in order to put it all back together again. Again. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve had to put it all back together again (again), but that’s also okay.

Today I took care of myself. I’m forever telling other people to ‘take care’ and I know I need to learn to take a little bit of my own advice. It was a quiet, contemplative day in WeeGee land. I fed myself and relaxed and I got my apologies in. When I was ready I did the routine de-brief with Mr Wise.

Mr Wise gets it. He always gets it even when I can’t explain it very well at all. I still don’t really understand why I called the crisis team and not him last night. Self sabotage I suppose. Next time things fall apart I have to remember to call Mr Wise because only he can look into my head and say ‘yeah, I see it, but it doesn’t matter because it’s going to be okay’

I’m about to have a birthday. It’s the second birthday I’ve had since the worst thing ever happened, which also means that it’s almost the two year anniversary of the worst thing ever. Anniversaries matter to me. An elephant never forgets.

Anyway – I’m rambling because I’m tired and a little bit mental (but not in a scary way). All I really wanted to say is that I have come to the conclusion that every once in a while things will probably fall apart for me. And that’s okay.

I will probably never get to a point in my life where I say – ‘that’s it; I’m never going to fall apart again’, but what I can do is learn lessons when I do fall apart so that eventually I will find a soft enough place to fall.

Lots of love from WeeGee xx

 

 

 

Posted in Welcome to my world

You know you’re having a bad day when….

Posted on by WeeGee

…. You get two calls to the crisis team in before supper*

I’m going to have to issue one of those ‘trigger warnings’ now. I don’t want to upset anybody or put them in a bad place so please bow out now if you are vulnerable about – self harm, suicide attempts, weird food stuff or mental madness in general.

Is there anybody left? Are you sure? This is quite long and not very cheery until the very end….

So, yeah, self harm, suicide attempts, weird food stuff and a bit of mental madness to boot. I have some larks don’t I?

For three or four days my brain was on best behaviour. I managed to trick it into playing a game of ‘let’s just try really, really hard for a while and see what happens’ and it worked until my brain decided it wasn’t going along with that anymore. As brain quite rightly pointed out, what’s the point of trying really, really hard if you end up where you always do anyway (which, for the record, is curled up in a teeny tiny ball trying desperately not to make plans to end your life sometime soon)?

I had a rotten dream last night. I could have done without it because when I woke up and remembered it (at just gone three am this morning) it stirred up some stuff that most definitely didn’t need stirring. I guess everyone has stuff that doesn’t need stirring – I’ve got a lot of it and if I have learned only one thing about stirring stuff that doesn’t need stirring it’s that if you absolutely have to stir it you should NEVER EVER do it between the hours of 10pm and 7am because of the golden rule of safe stirring: stirring is not be done when it is quiet and everyone else is asleep.

Thankfully (maybe) not everyone was asleep because there was my local friendly crisis team – on call 24/7 for my every mental madness emergency. So I phoned them up and told them I’d broken the golden rule of safe stirring and was now going a bit mental.

We tried to work out ‘what had gotten into me’ but for some reason (I don’t know which reason) I didn’t tell them the whole truth. I told them I wasn’t hungry and there was nothing obviously dangerous in the flat. Two breaths, two pointless lies. Why? Just why?

The truth was that I wasn’t hungry but starving hungry having eaten nothing but a bag of Doritos all day. Actually, here’s another rule for you. If you absolutely have to be mental, avoid being starving and mental at the same time AT ALL COSTS. It’s rubbish. Truly rubbish.

Why hadn’t I eaten anything all day? I decided not to. That was it. I just decided and once I’m decided on something like that I’m totally decided. The theory goes is that I use deciding not to eat in order to punish myself somehow. I don’t know if that’s it but it’s as good a theory as any, so I guess I have to go with it. Why didn’t I tell the nice crisis support people that I hadn’t eaten? Because I didn’t want to. I wanted to keep it all to myself.

Why was there something dangerous in the flat? Well there wasn’t – not in the ‘usual’ sense which is really just to say that I hadn’t deliberately brought anything into the flat in order to deliberately hurt myself. But a girl’s got to shave her legs, right? So there were ‘the emergency disposable razors’, which were not intended to be dangerous but which could be with a little determination) And I didn’t tell the crisis team chaps about them because this was an emergency and I had all the determination I needed. I was mental and angry and frightened and, in all honesty, I didn’t want anyone to talk me down. I dismantled the disposable razors with relative ease and bob’s your uncle, fanny’s your aunt…. I hurt myself. It hurt and made me feel small and foolish and even more frightened. It was supposed to make it better – it was supposed to get rid of whatever it was that had gotten in to me.

A period of pacing commenced. I felt like I was waiting for something. I don’t know what – maybe it was the thing I thought was going to happen the other day? I decided to curl up and do my waiting on the couch. It started to get light and I wondered if that was what I was waiting for – morning, because everything is better in the morning? Except it isn’t – it’s exactly the same. Every single lousy morning is exactly the same (that was broken brain’s take on it by the way).

I tried the crisis team again because I didn’t think I was going to make it. They suggested diazepam (another emergency ration, but GP approved unlike the disposable razors) and if I couldn’t do that (I’m scared of diazepam because it’s habit forming) it was ‘maybe time to think about coming in’.

Okay. So I thought about ‘coming in’ and dismissed that because I felt more mental than I’d ever felt before and decided that if I went in, I’d probably never get out again. I didn’t want that to happen. So I carried on waiting. Waiting and thinking. It all got a bit boo hoo and grizzly.

And then there was an epiphany moment in WeeGee’s broken brain. What I was waiting for was…. the last day WeeGee would ever spend on Earth. Not only that – I’d made it. No more waiting! Today was the day.

Once I had decided that this was the last day that WeeGee would spend on the planet things got a bit easier. There are things you need to organise if you’re about to bow out like making sure ‘the box’ is in order. ‘The box’ lives on top of my wardrobe and has a copy of my will, bank account details, information that my parents need about probate, insurance document, strict instructions about dealing with The Cat, a couple of photos and some letters. Ever since I got hit by a bus** I’ve been paranoid about making things as easy as possible for my loved ones  if I check out early – whether at my own hand or by an act of god. ‘The box’ was in order.

I had a shower and got ready. It took a while to decide what I was going to wear but in the end I settled on the skirt I wanted to be buried in (don’t ask – it’s stupid). I fed the little man and then fed him again. I think that was guilt. And then I headed to the outside world to purchase a tin of Heinz tomato soup and 32 painkillers. It’s a bit dangerous that I know that there is a shop within walking distance that sells painkillers 32 at a time. I see that now but I don’t know how to ‘unknow’ it. That is a problem for another day.

I got back – opened the curtains (because no-one wants to spend their last moments on planet Earth in the dark) and heated up the soup. Heinz tomato soup isn’t much of a last supper is it? All I can say is that if you have decided that this is the last day you will spend on planet earth YOU ARE CLEARLY NOT OF YOUR RIGHT MIND and are almost certainly in no fit state to decide what your last meal should be.

I washed up and emptied the bins and then fed Gryff again. A lot of food this time in case I wasn’t found for days. And then I sat staring at a box of 32 painkillers for a very long time. First of all I put them very far away from me, and gradually I brought them closer until they were right in front of my face. And I looked at them for another very long time.

By this time Gryff was sitting in ‘croissant cat’ position looking at me looking at the painkillers. And I came all over all soppy. I thought about the worst life night of my life ever (which was also the worst night of Gryff’s life) and how when I finally got to bed that night be had jumped up, burrowed under the covers and curled up next to my tummy and stayed there all night to stay safe and to keep me safe. And I wondered who he would curl up with to be safe when he realised that I, the only person he ever trusted, wasn’t coming back. And then I thought about Mr Friendly, and Mr Wise, Mrs Worry and Mr Hilarious who would all, in their own ways, blame themselves even though it was nothing to do with them. And I thought about my mum who would never, ever be able to understand no matter hard she tried.

And then I thought FOR FUCK’S SAKE GAIL WEEGEE. Are you really going to top yourself BECAUSE YOU HAD A BAD DREAM? After everything that happened and everything you bounced back from? Seriously! What is the matter with you……. PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER.

‘Pull yourself together’ is not something you should ever say to someone with mental health problems. But, if you yourself are mental you are allowed to say it to yourself. Not because it will make it all better but because it will stop it all getting worse. Sometimes that is all you can hope for – things not getting worse.

Where am I now? I’m mostly back. I’m fed and watered and safe. I’m playing ‘let’s just try really, really hard for a while and see what happens’ once more. It’s the only game I’ve ever been any good at.

Love from WeeGee  xx

PS – I re-read this one and realised that it’s a bit wonky and meandering and mental. Sorry. But you know me 🙂

*Dinner if you aren’t pretentious like me. Or tea if you are from The North

**Which is a whole ‘nother story!

Posted in Little things that made me smile

Tagged by a moose

Posted on by WeeGee

I’ve been tagged by Garry, the depressed moose…..

Here are my answers.

What is your proudest moment from your blogging career?

Do you know what? I’m just proud of my blog full-stop.

I started writing it when I was on the way back up after a pretty major crash and I’m still amazed that I’ve managed to keep it up.

Starting a blog about my journey is one of the best things I’ve ever done in terms of managing my mental health. It gives me something to focus on and helps me to challenge my thinking because instead of getting lost in it I have to work out how I’m going to write about it when I get home.

What is your proudest moment in your life?

Hmm. I think finishing my first degree. I was still in early days recovery from an eating disorder, and all things considered my brain really wasn’t well. At the beginning of my third year at University it all got too much and I tried to take my life. I didn’t succeed and I’m very proud that when I was strong enough, I took myself back to University and tried again and finished up with a rather respectable 2:1.

What is your biggest achievement?

I know it sounds daft, but getting to today is a pretty big achievement in my book. I’ve had some pretty dark times and it really is big news and a huge achievement that I made it this far.

What makes you feel happy when you’re down?

Sometimes, nothing helps – that’s the nature of the beast I suppose. When I get bleak like that I just have to hold on tight and wait for a different feeling to come along. The only good thing about feelings is that there is always another one on the way if you don’t like the one you’ve got.

If I’m just a bit sad as opposed to suicidal and bleak I crack open the Monk box sets. Rather aptly, I am obsessed with Monk and it never fails to make me smile*

Is there a particular song that makes you happy?

Loads probably, but sometimes even songs that make me happy end up making me sad because I think about listening to them when I was happy! If I have to pick just one I’ll go for this one:

Is there a film to make you happy?

Wow! I’m not sure there is. I’ve been racking my brains and all of my favourite films are sad! Could I pick a book instead? If so I’ll go with Jane Eyre because despite all the misery and heartache everything turns out okay in the end. Kinda.

If you’re happy and you know and you really want to show it do you clap your hands? Or what do you do?

If I’m happy and I know it and I really want to show it I laugh. Laughing is good for you and it’s nice to share it around if you can.

What is your favourite inspirational quote?

Oh I’ve got loads. I love a good quote! How about this one: ‘Great things are done by a series of small things brought together’?

Do you have a “happy place” where you like to go and hide from the world?

Apart from my bed which is the place I usually go to hide, I like to wander down by the River and empty my head a little.

If you was happy and I was sad how would you cheer me up?

You can’t always cheer people up. Sometimes you just have to be there for them whilst they wait for sad to pass. So if I was happy and you were sad, I’d head round to your gaff with a couple of tea bags, some lotto tickets and this:

And I’d keep you company till the sad had passed.

If happy was a person who would he look like in the real world?

Like this:

Or this:

Or maybe this:

Or perhaps even this (if it was a sentient being rather than a person):

Love from WeeGee xx

*Apart from Mr Monk and the kid, which never fails to make me cry!

Posted in About today

WeeGee goes to a party

Posted on by WeeGee

So. I went to a party. Here’s what happens when WeeGee goes to a party.

1. When she realises that she can’t remember the last time she went to a party she will enter a state of sheer panic. What does one wear to a party? Should I take a gift? Why am I going to a party – I hate parties? What if I cry? What if I make a fool of myself?

2. Taking into account the aforementioned panics plus at least a trillion others WeeGee will decide she is definitely not going to go to a party.

3. However, when she receives a text from the person who is hosting the party saying ‘no worries if you can’t make it tonight. Have a nice evening’ she will decide to go to the party after all because she’s sick of proving everyone, including herself, right.

4. Whilst on the way to the party WeeGee remembers the ‘gift panic’ and makes a detour via waitrose where she spends a stupid amount of time trying to decide whether to take wine, flowers or chocolate.

5. When WeeGee decides she can’t decide whether to take wine, flowers or chocolate she will decide to take all three in order to overcome the problem.

6. However, when she gets into the queue to pay she decides taking all three is ridiculous and has to surreptitiously  dump the flowers and chocolate before reaching the till.

7. Upon arriving at the party WeeGee feels like an idiot and has to try very hard not to cry, or puke, or both.

8. When WeeGee realises she spent so long faffing about in Waitrose that she missed SIR FRANK TURNER PLAYING AT THE OPENING CEREMONY WARM-UP she feels like an idiot and has to try very hard not to cry, or puke, or both*.

9. (And this is the big one) WeeGee doesn’t cry, puke, or spontaneously combust, in fact she doesn’t even have a terrible time at the party.

10. WeeGee wonders why she doesn’t go to parties more often.

Lots of love WeeGee, party animal!

*Everytime I remember that I missed SIR FRANK TURNER PLAYING AT THE OPENING CEREMONY WARM-UP I still feel like an idiot and have to try very hard not to cry, or puke, or both.