It’s a bit late for me to be blogging but I can’t sleep – I’m still off work so I slept ’til midday and then I had a small snooze in the afternoon. Now I am chronically awake and wondering what to do with myself….. Blogging seems as good a thing as any!
Well. What to say? I suppose I should start by pointing out that I missed you all. I knew I’d got a bit attached to my blogging buddies but that small gap proved to me that absence really does make the heart grow fonder.
The next thing to say is that WeeGee is officially not depressed anymore and that WeeGee loves not being depressed anymore. There are still a lot of things to take care of, I know that, but its so much easier to deal with stuff when you don’t wish you were dead.
The final thing to say today is that I’m looking forward. I’m looking forward to tomorrow, and this month, and this year and to my life.
I can’t wait to see what happens. Being alive is a tough gig. But it’s absolutely worth it in the end.
Hello there everybody! Just a very quick festive hello to my blogging buddies. Hope you are all enjoying your day and that things are going well. I am aware that I owe you one very big update and I promise I’ll get to that before the end of the year.
In the meantime all is calm in WeeGee land. I’m still doing really well with all the mental stuff and things in my life continue to be good. Mr Magic is still AWESOME and Christmas has been fab.
I’ll leave you with my favourite festive song. Well – it’s ages since we had a bit of Frank…..
I’ve spent the last few days wandering around with a huge black cloud hanging over my head. I was trying to ignore it because it felt too familiar and if I knew only one thing it was that I wasn’t ready to step back into the darkness just yet. And then today I realised that I wasn’t heading back to the doomy gloomies at all….. I was just experiencing a NORMAL fluctuation in mood.
You know what it’s like when you’re mental – if the worse thing in the world were to happen you’d feel exactly the same way as you did before it happened because clinical depression feels like the worst thing in the world is happening to you over and over again and you have no hope of making it stop. I thought that was where I was going for a while there. I kept feeling overwhelmed and pointless and bleak and, above all else, I felt myself sinking. I guess a lot of my readers know that sinking feeling?
I’d just got to the point of thinking ‘why now?’ and ‘why me?’ I was angry with my broken brain because I thought we’d done a fricking deal…. And then I worked out what was going on: HORMONES. And I’m as happy as happy can be now…..
I know girls are supposed to be a bit pissed off about being hormonal and stuff but here’s the thing – I’ve been depressed for my whole adult life and this is THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE EVER that my mood has had something to do with something other than a chemical imbalance in my brain. This, I think, is what normal feels like.
I think I’m supposed to eat chocolate and cry and stuff right about now but I won’t. Do you know what I’m going to do? I’m going to enjoy it, because this is NORMAL BEHAVIOUR – and if that makes you think I’m MENTAL you’d be 100 percent correct.
Here’s a little song that sums me up today (but I’ll be fine tomorrow)
This isn’t the first time that I’ve started a blog entry by saying ‘I don’t know where to start’ but today it’s different because the only problem I have is deciding which AWESOME thing to tell you about first*
I think I’ll start with two apologies because I definitely owe them:
Apology number one: I’m sorry that I’ve been a bit irregular about blogging this week
Apology number two: I’m sorry that I forgot about The Depressed Moose’s birthday and therefore didn’t make a fuss of him on the day
Then I’ll do a bit of a thank you:
A great big thank you to my bestest blogging buddies** who noted my absence and got in touch to make sure I was okay*** Love you guys gazillions xoxoxox
Now all that’s out of the way I suppose it’s time for a little bit of an update from WeeGee land….
Ages ago, when I was all woe is me and I want to die I heard somebody**** saying ‘when things in your life are good, good things happen’ I remember it because it made me feel even more bleak than I already did because things in my life were bad and it felt like they would never get any better and it just hammered home that ‘what’s the effing point’ feeling that creeps in so regularly when you’re mental.
But somehow (and very slowly) things started to get better. They got so much better that eventually I had my ‘holy swearword moment’ and realised what the effing point was. And from that moment on things in my life have been good and getting better all the time. As I write this I can say genuinely that I am happy, that I’m enjoying life and that I can’t wait to find out what comes next. I’ve always liked adventures – it’s just that I’ve usually been too scared to go on them. Not anymore.
Meanwhile in other news I would like to make it known that there is ABSOLUTELY no way to get in or out of a Porsche wearing a skirt with any dignity whatsoever. Nothing else to report save that Gryff is getting a bit fed up with all this WeeGee having a social life stuff so a night in with the cat is very definitely in order.
I leave you today with an AWESOME (if a little old) song which sums up my life quite neatly at the moment:
Lots and lots and lots of love and a few hugs for good measure, WeeGee xoxoxoxo
PS – I promise to catch up on your lovely blogs this week. I’ve been missing you all
*I’ve had my fair share of problems and this is officially my favourite problem of all time
**You know who you are
***I wondered if you thought I was a) heartbroken because it had all gone tits up or b) murdered because Mr Magic turned out to be a serial killer…..
Before I go any further I HAVE to share this song with you because it is GORGEOUS and it’s also the best cover version in the whole world EVER:
BRILLIANT in’t it?
Sorry I didn’t post yesterday. It was Mrs Mountain day and I had an awful lot of thinking to do. Plus I had my (now daily) chit chat with Mr Magic to fit in which was sweet and awesome and a nice way to spend my evening. Mrs Mountain and I spent a lot of time talking about why I had pressed the self-sabotage button and gone a bit weird about food. There wasn’t really a conclusion but the most plausible theory was that I was happy and generally enjoying things but broken brain had decided that I didn’t deserve any of that on account of me being all rubbish and pointless and what not. By the way, project fatten up WeeGee is coming along okay but it’s really hard work and every so often I feel like bursting into tears. I’m ploughing on through it, and I’ve made plans to eat with people for every meal over the weekend because it’s difficult to be weird about eating when you’re eating with people. The only other thing to note is that if I see another sachet of complan in my life I swear to god I’m going to SCREAM.
I’ve been compiling a little list of all the awesome things about Mr Magic and it’s getting quite long now so I thought I would share it:
He is a magician*
He swears more than I do**
He phones me every night just to say hi***
He phoned me first thing this morning just to say hi****
He says brolly instead of umbrella*****
He just comes right out and says what he thinks******
He is best friends with the guitarist from the Real People*******
He understands that WeeGee is vulnerable and a) knows when to back off, b) knows when not to back of and c) has already realised that if you want to bring WeeGee back to herself when she’s having a moment you just have to tell her the truth and then make her laugh********
As for all the awesome things about Mr Grammar Geek? I won’t do a list because I can sum it up in one word: intrigue. He’s interested in all kinds of things I’m not interested in (yet) and that’s very interesting to WeeGee. I also have a sneaking suspicion that he’s hiding in a little bit of a shell and that is also interesting. Oh – and he plays the trumpet. Actually I forgot the best bit: he’s French and I’m pretty confident that he’d sound pretty damn sexy reading my shopping list out loud. Sigh….
What next….. How about a little musical interlude?
That there is the other contender for the best cover version in the whole world EVER. Listen to it all the way through and you’ll think you’re going die of awesomeness when you hear how Frank’s voice cracks with bitterness and spite at the end. I love Frank Turner so much that I’d definitely marry him if he asked even though I don’t really understand why people get married.
Work has been brilliant this week – I’ve been reminded that not only do I love my job I also love the people I work with and I know that means I am a very lucky girl indeed. Here are some of the brilliant things that have happened in the office this week:
I learned that those things surveyors survey stuff with are called ‘theodolites’ which means that I’ll be able to show off and say ‘that’s a theodolite’ the next time I see one
Mrs Bossy told the story of the time a mini tornando went down her street and a child’s sandpit landed in her garden and WeeGee thought if that was my story it would be the first thing I would tell people when I met them
Mrs Bossy told the story of the time her back went when she was naked in the kitchen and WeeGee thought a) if that was my story it would be the last thing I would tell people and b) that she must remember never to go into her kitchen naked again ;-P
Mr Hilarious kept going on about how huge the chocolate cake in the café was so WeeGee went down to see it and when the guy asked her what she would like she was forced to say ‘Nothing, I just came to look at the cake’ and felt like a bit of a chump
WeeGee accidently wrote ‘lots of love’ in a retirement card which disappointed her because it took the edge off some excellent sarcasm
WeeGee accidentally said ‘thanks for that lovely’ at the end of a telephone call with Mr I’m Quite Handsome and everyone in the office teased her so much she actually blushed
WeeGee didn’t tell the rest of the office that Mr I’m Quite Handsome replied ‘No worries sweetheart….. my pleasure’ because she wanted to keep that bit to herself
Today has been one of my favourite Fridays in the world EVER because Project Rubbish is now signed off and officially off my desk and if things start falling over it’ll be nothing to do with me. This made me happy and bouncy and hilarious which was cool but then it rubbed on everyone else and it all got a bit hysterical and WeeGee had to leave the room to compose herself. I’ve reached that point in the day where I’ve written my to do list for next week and don’t want to start anything new but it’s too early to respectfully leave so I’m blogging and gossiping with you instead of gossiping with Mr Hilarious. Speaking of Mr Hilarious – here’s another reason he’s AWESOME: when WeeGee’s purse breaks and she has an emergency super glue required moment he has some emergency super glue at the bottom of one of his drawers.
Meanwhile in other news I am going to the pub after work and intend to eat, drink and be merry. Nothing else to report today save is it nearly wine o’clock yet?
*You don’t have to know very much about WeeGee to understand why that impresses her
**In a comedy fashion – he’s not at all uncouth
***And this doesn’t make me feel at all crowded or overwhelmed which is a good sign
****Because he ‘wanted to wake up with me’ and instead of being a bit creepy it was incredibly sweet
*****My friends laugh at me when I say brolly because it ‘makes me sound like an old person’
******My favourite kind of person because people like that tend not to tell lies
*******I’m guessing I’m one of only a small number of people who will find this impressive
********I don’t actually have an aside for this one but I had to keep up the pattern and I’ve now officially smashed my own blogging asterisk world record
It all started with a rather hilarious evening with Mrs Sparkle. Between us we had a super duper girly evening and made every effort possible to put the world to rights. We had a good old chit chat about how different WeeGee is when she’s not off her rocker, and how much of a ginormous arsehole Mrs Sparkles ex husband actually is and how James Arthur is NOT appropriate crush material We also came up with a famed WeeGee list containing the things that WeeGee is, and isn’t looking for in a man:
Things WeeGee is definitely not looking for in a man
Height (I’m quite small enough without people looking down their noses at me thank you very much)
A ridiculous online user name (because a ridiculous online user name is the virtual equivalent of a ‘novelty tie’)
A desire to fix WeeGee (because of that thing I have about being independent)
A desire to ‘need’ WeeGee (because of that same thing I have about being independent)
An unhealthy relationship with a football team (been there, done that – it’s boring)
Things WeeGee is definitely looking for in a man
A kind heart
Hilarious jokes (hilarity in general will suffice)
A healthy dose of cheeky
A fantabulous hug
A small hint of geekiness
He’s out there somewhere, right?
And then I went to bed and discovered that I was having my first major bout of insomnia for as long as I can remember. You forget how rubbish insomnia is way too quickly. It’s piggin’ awful to be awake when the only thing in the world you want to be is ASLEEP. It’s equally awful when you remember that the only thing insomnia is good for is stirring up all the crap that you thought you had left behind. ROAR.
Anyway – the upshot of insomnia is that I’ve been having a hide today. It was only a small hide, and on reflection I think it was long overdue because there were one or two things that I needed to figure out and sometimes you can only figure things out if you pretend the world isn’t actually happening round you…..
I’ve pretty much figured it all out, but for tonight I just wanted to admit that a hide had occurred. Not only that – I have survived it and reached the conclusion that it’s perfectly NORMAL to have a bad day, where you mostly want to keep yourself to yourself and that you can do that without doing a quick recce of the light fittings.
Meanwhile in other news today I heard the best chat up line in the world EVER….. ‘is it acceptable to use a semi-colon after a question mark?’ Be still my beating heart! Nothing else to report today save that I went for a run this morning despite the self imposed running ban and it was pretty damn fine.
I’m finding being me quite interesting at the moment. I’ve been so used to feeling nothing but misery and now I have all of the feelings at my disposal and I’m feeling them all, often at the same time. Feeling all of the feelings at the same time is a little bit confusing but it’s also pretty damn AWESOME because there’s no room for extremities when the opposite feeling is swimming around at the same time – it’s like a natural mood stabiliser which comes in pretty handy when you’re mental and prone to being ‘a bit all over the place’
Perhaps you will have noticed that I’ve had several of my little thinks over the past week or so. I think my favourite bit about recovery is finally having the freedom to think about things without fear that I’m going to think myself to the edge of a cliff. I’m starting to figure things out – like who I’ve been and who I am and who I want to be.
I’m also starting to really understand what went wrong between Mr Friendly and I and have accepted that he didn’t make me any more happy than I made him but that I was too scared to admit that on account of black and white thinking and a strong emotional attachment. I also realise that an awful lot of that feeling small and insignificant thing I do lies firmly at the door of our relationship, because it wasn’t a relationship that made me feel valued, or loved, or remotely attractive. I think my brief encounter with Mr Smiley reminded me that there are all kinds of other guys out there, and all kinds of other relationships and it isn’t worth having a relationship that makes you feel the way I used to feel about myself.
I’ve also been having a rethink about online dating because I worked something out. I worked out what I’m looking for and what I’m looking for isn’t just someone to share my life with, or someone who will hold my hand and make me think I never want them to let go or even somebody who will have the patience to get to know me slowly and surely. What I really want is to meet my best friend and then fall in love with him in the fullness of time. And that realisation changes the way I go about things.
Anyway – that’s no matter. My lovely friend Mrs Sparkle is here again, because we had such a lovely girly Saturday last week that we decided to do it again. We have a lot of things to gossip about including:
Whether WeeGee dares to phone Mr I’m Quite Handsome and ask if he’d like to update her on the web portal over a glass of wine
Whether WeeGee can really go on a date with a guy who is younger than her brother who she refers to as her ‘little’ brother
Whether it is a good idea for WeeGee to go on a date with a psychologist who specialises in eating disorders
I know I moaned on about watching X Factor last week, but I’m looking forward to it tonight because it’s quite entertaining poking fun at Mrs Sparkle who is simultaneously cool enough to list stiff little fingers as her favourite band and tragic enough to be a little bit in love with James Arthur.
Meanwhile in other news, I have spent the last two months perfecting a risotto recipe but what’s the betting I don’t do it perfectly when I try to cook it for someone else? Nothing else to report today save that WeeGee is all back and bouncy and excitable again.
I’m blogging from work even though it isn’t my lunch hour which isn’t like me at all. To cut a long story short I’m bored of what I’m doing* and Mr Hilarious isn’t around to distract me. It has occurred to me that I don’t like work nearly so much when Mr Hilarious isn’t around because a) it isn’t particularly hilarious without him b) Dan** is STILL going on about star wars Lego and Mr Hilarious is the only person who knows what to say to him about it and c) I could really rather do with a huge hug and someone not telling me ‘I told you so’ right about now.
Dear Mr Hilarious, Can you hurry up back from Reading because Mrs Bossy just said ‘Hang on a minute I’ll ask a young person…… WeeGee: What’s a DM – is it a DMail?’ and nobody thought it was funny. Lots and lots of love from WeeGee xxx P.S – please may I have a hug? Xx
Work is double rubbish and boring today because The Man Who Knows*** is hot desking in my office and he won’t stop boring on about all the stuff he claims to know but clearly doesn’t. If he doesn’t shut up soon I’m going to poke him in the eye, and then I’m going to poke him in the other one. And then I’m going to accidentally push him out the window – I’ve already opened it in preparation…..
Anyhow – I’m not posting to ramble on about work. I’m posting to let you know that WeeGee might finally have got to the bottom of all this ‘caring too much’ stuff because I did it, and now I’m feeling a little bruised and that’s exactly what everybody says happens when you care too much. I think I need to go back to the drawing board with ‘attachment’ and ‘boundary issues’ because I think I’m a little more wonky than I thought I was. The astute amongst you might have figured out that I’m talking about Mr Smiley. What can I say? Nothing actually because that’s all I’m prepared to say about that. I think I also need to go back to the ‘REALLY BAD SWEARWORD’S SAKE WEEGEE: WHAT IS IT WITH THIS WHOLE SHY NERVY THING?’ drawing board too, and as I’m still talking about Mr Smiley I guess that wasn’t all I was prepared to say but I’m definitely done with what I had to say now.
Moving swiftly on, I had my counselling session this morning. Mrs Mountain is also of the opinion that I’m doing well which is pretty cool. At the same time I think Mrs Mountain is also a bit more cautious than Mr Clever – I guess because she gets to see into my heart as well as my head which actually makes a lot of sense to me because it doesn’t matter how much better I get I’m probably always going to wear my heart on my sleeve and maybe I’m still not as good at taking care of it as I ought to be. I think that might be another drawing board actually!
I suppose the headline today is that I’m probably not okay, but that’s okay.. I have no intention of letting the mentals bite so I’m listening to the Gaslight Anthem**** and bouncing around seeing if I can raise a smile anywhere about the place***** and pretending that I don’t care.
Meanwhile in other news I was rather amused by the girl in the shop who asked whether she had to pay because there was ‘no money in the cash point and she didn’t want to use her card’******. Nothing else to report today save that how can somebody who sounds like this not be the most famous person on the planet?
Lots and lots of love WeeGee xoxoxox
PS Please may I have a hug?
*Which is basically little more than making a spreadsheet look pretty
**His real name because the only thing I could think of to call him was ‘Mr I’m so much of a geeky cliche that it actually hurts’ and that seemed a bit long for the purposes of this blog
***Have you met The Man Who Knows yet? He thinks he knows everything about everything but he doesn’t and I HATE HIM WITH A VENGENCE
****But not the acoustic version of Great Expectations because it makes me cry at the best of times*******
*****With some success I am pleased to report
******Of course I watched on with interest because if she’d got away with it I would have given it a go myself. Alas – Mr Shopkeeper Man was having none of it
Yesterday I was having one of my little thinks about some stuff that I didn’t want to talk about. Unfortunately my little think didn’t turn out so well in the end and today I am mostly having a huge crisis of faith. Sigh…..
In some ways I feel more like myself than I have for a very long time, but at the same time I’m beginning to wonder if you can actually know who you are if you’ve spent the last two years of your life hiding from the world and wishing, more than anything, that you could will yourself to die in the night. I keep thinking about all the time I’ve lost – the time that I’ve filled up with nothing; the time that everybody else filled up with lots of different somethings and I end up feeling all small and insignificant again.
I suppose this is just WeeGee getting a bit scared because a second date feels like a fairly big deal in her book. It’s probably little more than a natural crisis of faith and I’ll get myself through it and then wonder what all of the fuss was about. I think maybe I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed, not by Mr Smiley but by the way that I feel about Mr Smiley and all the other stuff that I’m feeling and trying to make sense of.
When I’m overwhelmed I hide, and I don’t want to hide – not now. So I’m posting this one for the sake of posterity and as a little public promise to myself: WeeGee will not go into hiding, and will not feel small and insignificant, and will definitely go to dinner later and will almost certainly have a perfectly super time.
Today WeeGee went on a date with Mr Smiley and WeeGee is pleased to report that a) Mr Smiley is exactly who he appeared to be, b) this is clearly not an elaborate rouse to steal WeeGee’s (non-existent) money and c) WeeGee has not been murdered yet.
I’d love to write more but for now here’s a quick summary…..
Number of times WeeGee nearly didn’t get to her date because she was panicking: about a million
Number of times WeeGee ‘went a bit shy’ during her date: about a million and a half
Number of rubbish things about WeeGee’s date: Zero
Number of AWESOME things about WeeGee’s date: Everything else.
Told you I had a bit of a feeling about this….. Leap and a net will appear 🙂
How do you eat an elephant? 