I’ve spent the last few days wandering around with a huge black cloud hanging over my head. I was trying to ignore it because it felt too familiar and if I knew only one thing it was that I wasn’t ready to step back into the darkness just yet. And then today I realised that I wasn’t heading back to the doomy gloomies at all….. I was just experiencing a NORMAL fluctuation in mood.
You know what it’s like when you’re mental – if the worse thing in the world were to happen you’d feel exactly the same way as you did before it happened because clinical depression feels like the worst thing in the world is happening to you over and over again and you have no hope of making it stop. I thought that was where I was going for a while there. I kept feeling overwhelmed and pointless and bleak and, above all else, I felt myself sinking. I guess a lot of my readers know that sinking feeling?
I’d just got to the point of thinking ‘why now?’ and ‘why me?’ I was angry with my broken brain because I thought we’d done a fricking deal…. And then I worked out what was going on: HORMONES. And I’m as happy as happy can be now…..
I know girls are supposed to be a bit pissed off about being hormonal and stuff but here’s the thing – I’ve been depressed for my whole adult life and this is THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE EVER that my mood has had something to do with something other than a chemical imbalance in my brain. This, I think, is what normal feels like.
I think I’m supposed to eat chocolate and cry and stuff right about now but I won’t. Do you know what I’m going to do? I’m going to enjoy it, because this is NORMAL BEHAVIOUR – and if that makes you think I’m MENTAL you’d be 100 percent correct.
Here’s a little song that sums me up today (but I’ll be fine tomorrow)
Love to you all xoxoxoxox