I’m finding being me quite interesting at the moment. I’ve been so used to feeling nothing but misery and now I have all of the feelings at my disposal and I’m feeling them all, often at the same time. Feeling all of the feelings at the same time is a little bit confusing but it’s also pretty damn AWESOME because there’s no room for extremities when the opposite feeling is swimming around at the same time – it’s like a natural mood stabiliser which comes in pretty handy when you’re mental and prone to being ‘a bit all over the place’
Perhaps you will have noticed that I’ve had several of my little thinks over the past week or so. I think my favourite bit about recovery is finally having the freedom to think about things without fear that I’m going to think myself to the edge of a cliff. I’m starting to figure things out – like who I’ve been and who I am and who I want to be.
I’m also starting to really understand what went wrong between Mr Friendly and I and have accepted that he didn’t make me any more happy than I made him but that I was too scared to admit that on account of black and white thinking and a strong emotional attachment. I also realise that an awful lot of that feeling small and insignificant thing I do lies firmly at the door of our relationship, because it wasn’t a relationship that made me feel valued, or loved, or remotely attractive. I think my brief encounter with Mr Smiley reminded me that there are all kinds of other guys out there, and all kinds of other relationships and it isn’t worth having a relationship that makes you feel the way I used to feel about myself.
I’ve also been having a rethink about online dating because I worked something out. I worked out what I’m looking for and what I’m looking for isn’t just someone to share my life with, or someone who will hold my hand and make me think I never want them to let go or even somebody who will have the patience to get to know me slowly and surely. What I really want is to meet my best friend and then fall in love with him in the fullness of time. And that realisation changes the way I go about things.
Anyway – that’s no matter. My lovely friend Mrs Sparkle is here again, because we had such a lovely girly Saturday last week that we decided to do it again. We have a lot of things to gossip about including:
- Whether WeeGee dares to phone Mr I’m Quite Handsome and ask if he’d like to update her on the web portal over a glass of wine
- Whether WeeGee can really go on a date with a guy who is younger than her brother who she refers to as her ‘little’ brother
- Whether it is a good idea for WeeGee to go on a date with a psychologist who specialises in eating disorders
I know I moaned on about watching X Factor last week, but I’m looking forward to it tonight because it’s quite entertaining poking fun at Mrs Sparkle who is simultaneously cool enough to list stiff little fingers as her favourite band and tragic enough to be a little bit in love with James Arthur.
Meanwhile in other news, I have spent the last two months perfecting a risotto recipe but what’s the betting I don’t do it perfectly when I try to cook it for someone else? Nothing else to report today save that WeeGee is all back and bouncy and excitable again.
Lots of love, WeeGeeeeeeeee xxxx