Tag: Mental health

Posted in Welcome to my world

I’ve really gone and done it now

Posted on by WeeGee

I’m going through a bit of a phase at the moment – I keep doing things that I’ve been meaning to do for ages and then wondering why on earth I hadn’t done them before. I suppose the obvious answer is that if I had tried to do these things before I wouldn’t have been strong enough to see them through. Still, I’m enjoying rediscovering how easy it is to get back to yourself when you’re ready too. If I’m honest I’m a bit worried about what happens when I come off my medication – I can’t stay on it forever after all. Still, that isn’t going to happen for a long time which means it’s a worry for another day.

During my quiet night in last night* I took something of a leap of faith and decided to sign up for – wait for it – an online dating site. Yep. That’s me. On an online dating site. Oh my word! Gawd only knows what I’m trying to achieve – to be honest it doesn’t feel too bad so far although I found myself at a loss for words when someone asked if they could buy me a coffee**. Eeeek!

I suppose I felt like it was time for me to move on. I’ve been in mourning for Mr Friendly for more than two years now. For all that time I’ve kept the notion that one day he would work through whatever he is working through and decide that I was the one for him firmly in my heart. I guess it might happen one day – but equally it might not. In fact, if I weigh up the facts over the feelings it’s more likely not to happen than to happen.

So it’s over to the outside world. I’m under no illusions and to be honest if I meet the man of my dreams on the Interweb I’ll eat my hat or somefink. But you never know –  I might come across some interesting people and make a few friends along the way.

Eeeek! The WeeGee is on an online dating site. I’ve really gone and done it now……

Lots of love WeeGee xxx

*Which was so lovely I’ve decided to have another one tonight

**And not just because I don’t like coffee!

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

Quiet night in

Posted on by WeeGee

Gryff hasn’t been over the moon about my recent adventures in having a social life so, after a busy week, I’ve decided it was about time I spent some time with him. I’ve been looking forward to it all day which is kinda strange because I’ve been more in the habit of dreading evenings where I don’t have anything to do* whereas now it just seems like a nice quiet night in with the cat…… Plus I’ve got about three million hours of soap operas to catch up with along with a further three squillion blogs to read so the time will be spent wisely.

It’s been an action packed week what with work – where I am now back to full time hours and loving it again – and me being all out and about doing stuff. I’m pretty exhausted to be honest and feel like I need some time to myself now. I guess that’s some more lessons: the diary doesn’t have to be completely full to ‘prove’ I’m okay and fancying a bit of time to yourself is fine because it’s entirely different from hiding.

I’m still not completely sure of the next step for How do you eat an elephant? I want to keep it up, but I’ve always thought about it as a blog about being mental. I suppose I could just write about the random stuff that goes in my head because at the end of the day it’s usually a bit mental  – it’s just not mental mental if you see what I mean? For now I suppose I’m just going to update on an as and when basis and see where that takes me. Taking things as they come eh? Go me! I have felt bad about being slightly absent here on WordPress for a while and I’m trying (in vain at the moment) to catch up keep up with my reading. I’m sure once I’m settled into my new routines I’ll get better although I do have to say that you lot are a fairly prolific bunch!

Nothing else to report today I’m afraid – I’ll fill you in on the details another time.

Hope you are doing okay

Love from WeeGee xxxx

*Which has been most of them of late

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

How to eat an elephant

Posted on by WeeGee

As far as I can tell blogging has rather a lot in common with eating Pringles: once you pop you just can’t stop….. This is just a quick one though, because I don’t have a whole lot to say for myself – in fact I only have two things to share with you today and they’re both a little sentimental (such is my way)

Sentimental thing number one:

I was genuinely touched by the messages of encouragement I received in response to my last post. All the warmth and positivity really meant a lot to me, not least because the people who read my blog know and understand exactly where I’ve been and how hard I’ve worked to get to where I am. So – thank you for all the kind comments, not just yesterday but ever since I started blogging almost six months ago. I had no idea what a lovely little community I was stumbling into when I hit ‘publish’ for the first time. All I can say is I’m glad that I did because you guys are awesomely awesome.

Sentimental thing number two:

Over the last two years I’ve learned an awful lot of important lessons but I really wanted to share this one with you – it can and does get better. It might not get better forever and you’ll never know when you’re going to have to fight your way out of it again, but you will fight it and you will get out. Keep doing all the right things even when it seems to be making no difference at all. Eventually all those things come together and you start to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

In short? Keep on keeping on.

Turns out it is possible to eat an elephant after all. You just have to do it bite by bite (and keep your nerve when it gets really tough)

Much love to you all, WeeGee xx

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

Where I’m at

Posted on by WeeGee

I’ve not been very regular about blogging recently. I suppose I’ve been ‘otherwise engaged’ which is no bad thing. I’m also so woefully behind with my reading that I fear I will never catch up and so, for the sake of my sanity I’ve decided that I’m going back as far as I can tonight and then I have to draw a line under it all and start again. Sorry, sorry and triple sorry….. I hope I don’t miss anything major.

The first thing to tell you is that things are really starting to look up in WeeGee Land. But fear not! I don’t feel reckless or invincible or hyper – I guess the best way I can think of to describe where I’m at right now is to say that I feel capable and okay and both things feel sustainable in the immediate term. That’s quite good, no?

I spent most of last week readjusting my routines. I need to have routines, but the old ones were all designed with the purpose of keeping my broken brain in check. The all new routine regime keeps most of that stuff (I don’t want to get too complacent) but also builds in a bit of WeeGee enjoying herself just for the sake of it. Which is new. And nice.

Last night I phoned everybody I know* and got dates in the diary for catch ups because it’s time for the WeeGee to act on what she has always known – there’s a big wide world out there that is worth being part of. You can’t hide forever. Well – technically you can but it’s not a good idea.

I must confess that I’ve had a little think about the future of my blog. I’m kind of mid think at the moment. I know that I’m definitely not going to give up blogging but I feel like I need to work out some of the nuts and bolts stuff. I also feel like I need to keep an eye on how blog reading affects me. ‘Triggering’ isn’t really a word I would use, but I do think I need to be aware of myself and my moods – the last thing I want to happen is for me to use the blogs I read to give me ‘permission’ to go back to the worst of me. I hope that makes sense? I care a great deal about my blogging buddies, but I’m in a new place now and know that I need to care about myself first. Now I feel like I might be a shitty person even though I know I’m not.

So anyway – now I’ve done a bit of an update and a bit of an apology and a bit of thinking out loud**. Time for a spot of nice safe blog reading……

Lots of love WeeGee xxx

*With one notable and deliberate exception, but that’s a different story entirely

**Well not exactly ‘out loud’ but you know what I mean

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

Always going somewhere

Posted on by WeeGee

I thought it was about time I popped up to say hello. *WeeGee pops up* “Hello – how’s everyone getting on?”

The other day I was reading about the distance a human being travels when they are doing nothing more than standing still – you know what with the Earth spinning round in the solar system* and all. I really like the idea that we’re always going somewhere even though it doesn’t feel like it at the time.

For the last two years I’ve felt stuck and hopeless – trapped by my broken brain. I’ve been to some pretty hellish places and at times, I felt like it was all over, that there was nothing I could do. What I didn’t realise (or what I forgot to remember from prior attacks of the mentals) was that I had to go to all of the hellish places in order to get to where I am now. What’s that thing about having to go there to come back?

As to where I am now – well I’m okay. Don’t get me wrong: it hasn’t all gone away and I still feel pointless and empty. But (and it’s a big but**) I’m in the right place to take it on. You know last week, when Mr Clever the bow tie wearing psychiatrist said I might be ‘delusional’? I don’t think he thought I was delusional at all. I think he was trying to get my attention and remind me that I’m doing well which means that this is EXACTLY the time to deal with all the things I refuse to deal with – from this breakdown, and the last, and the one before that. I guess that’s why he’s the clever psychiatrist….

So yeah – I’m ready to throw myself into it. I’m ready to accept where I am and how I got here. I’m ready to iron out all the creases. The beauty of it is that I’ve still got that white coat safety net on my side.

I’ll never be ‘normal’. That’s just the way it goes. But I will manage this – I will take responsibility and get back to myself (however inadequate I think myself to be). I’ve done it before and I’m ready to do it again.

Lots of love from WeeGee (who has just written an uncharacteristically positive post)

*Scientific accuracy is not guaranteed

**Ho ho

Posted in About today

Moaning Minnie

Posted on by WeeGee

Today it feels like the sky has fallen in. Sometimes that just happens doesn’t it? There you are, rumbling along quite nicely when Boom! It’s all dread, and regret and sadness and boo bloody hoo again.

There was only one thing that I wanted to do today and that was hide. I didn’t want to see anybody, or talk to anybody and I especially didn’t want to spend three hours of my afternoon meeting with 8 gigantic arseholes who were all a little too fond of the sound of their own voices.

Still – you don’t always get what you want. In fact, sometimes what you get is the exact opposite of what you wanted and the only thing you can do is suck it up.

What is it with people in meetings? I have a (very sensible) rule in meetings that goes something like this: If I don’t have anything to say I won’t actually say anything. As an additional rule if I agree with what someone says I simply say “I agree” instead of repackaging the exact same thing in my own arse-holey words. If everyone were to adopt these rules I would spend considerably less of my time in meetings. AND SO WOULD EVERYONE ELSE.

Whilst I’m on a little roll I’m going to have a moan about ‘pre-meetings’. That’s a meeting you have to discuss what you’re going to talk about at the meeting because apparently, that’s the best use of everybody’s time. Unbelievably there’s a new thing creeping in which is the ‘pre, pre-meeting’. This is where you discuss what you are going to talk about in the pre meeting so that you know what you are going to talk about in the meeting-before-the-meeting.

If we ever get to the stage of the pre, pre, pre-meeting I expect I shall jump out of a window (I’ll tie the ridiculous amount of meeting related paperwork cluttering up my desk to my ankles just to make sure)

I’m a little bit tired and a little bit grumpy today as well as a bit boo hoo. Can you tell?

Anyway. I’m home now so I should be able to fit in a good few hours of hiding. Which is nice. I’m supposed to be cooking some complicated Thai salmon/coconut thing but I’m not sure I’ve got the energy for something quite so adventurous. I might do my variation on Jamie Oliver’s Thirty Minute Meals instead. It doesn’t take as long as thirty minutes actually:

Toast bread/Heat Beans/Add Cheese. Done*.

Meanwhile in other news I’m trying to decide whether I want to watch Homeland online or wait until next week when it’s on in the UK anyway. Nothing else to report today save….. No. There really isn’t anything else to report today.

Lots of love from WeeGee

 

 

*I suppose it should’ve been ‘pukka’ what with ‘done’ being Gordon Ramsay’s catchphrase and all. But if I’d said pukka I would have had to poke myself in the eye and I’ve got enough face related injuries for the time being.

Posted in About today

It’s not unusual…

Posted on by WeeGee

Fear not – this post has absolutely nothing to do with Tom Jones – that kind of thing really isn’t my bag. That said I’ve gone and thought it now and so have you. Sorry about that.

Here’s a little piece of advice for you: no matter how much practical and logistical sense lining up all of your white coat appointments in one day seems to make – DON’T DO IT. It turns out that there’s only so much poking and prodding around a broken brain can take in one day before…. well, before it decides to break.

I got back today feeling exhausted, overwhelmed and completely indignant about why this is happening to me. How bloody very dare this happen over and over and over again. Not just that, how bloody very dare some idiot in a bow tie tell me that I’m not doing as well as I think I am because I’m probably deluded. ‘Delusional’. There’s a new one, eh?

Hands up! I’ve been doing well for a little while because I’ve been ignoring some stuff for a little while. You know the kind of stuff – stuff I did, stuff that happened, stuff that lives in my head. So what? Ignoring stuff is enough to get me through the day. Ignoring stuff is enough for a few little hopes to think about taking root. Ignoring stuff works.

I don’t think it’s unusual for people to ignore certain things – even the normal people probably do a spot of ignoring once in a while. I expect that’s WHAT MAKES THEM NORMAL. Apparently, ignoring things ‘doesn’t work in the long term’. It’s difficult for me to see that as much of a problem because my brain regularly takes me to places where making it through the next few minutes seems impossible. Most of the time the long term doesn’t get a look in.

I understand that repressing stuff isn’t a good idea – but what I’m trying to do at the moment is different. The thing is there isn’t an answer to the way I think and feel. Some things hurt – and facing it isn’t going to make it hurt any less. Ignoring it on the other hand, that works for me so what’s the big deal?

So anyway – that’s where I am today. I’m exhausted and overwhelmed and a little bit baffled to boot. Oh. And I’ve still got a headache and my black eye is very impressive indeed.

Meanwhile in other news Dexter Season 7 is shaping up nicely so far (please don’t tell anyone I used illicit means to watch it – what with my job and all) and I’ve got chocolate cheesecake coming out of my ears. Nothing else to report today save that I was rather amused by the headline in today’s sun: “Megan teacher dumped by wife”. No shit, eh?

Lots of love from WeeGee xx

Posted in Welcome to my world

What if I can’t stop?

Posted on by WeeGee

The first thing to do today is say: if you are at all vulnerable about food, weight, body image and other such things might be best if you skip over this one…..

I think there must be something in the air at the moment – because a couple of other bloggers have posted about similar things this week. Perhaps it’s National Former Eating Disorders Bite You On The Bum Week or something…..

I am recovering from an eating disorder. I say recovering rather than recovered because I don’t think disordered thinking about food ever truly goes away. It hangs around in the background and you have to work very hard to keep it there.

Nonsense thinking about food has been in the background of my brain for more than 10 years. During that time I’ve maintained my weight at an acceptable level with only one exception – when Mr Friendly and I split up. I lost an awful lot of weight at that point, dipped below ‘healthy’ and had a smallish battle to get back to where I needed to be. The point is, I did get back. The other point is that I have more or less maintained my weight for more than ten years. That other point is REALLY BIG NEWS by the way.

I still have a funny relationship with food. I eat because I have to. I rarely eat because I’m hungry and I hardly ever eat because I want to. The notion of ‘comfort eating’ makes no sense to me at all because I don’t ‘enjoy’ food. It’s just a necessity – like air.

My thoughts about weight are a little bit difficult too. I don’t know how much I weigh because I can’t know. If I knew it would bother me – I’d try to round the number down to something nice and even and then I’d get obsessed with it being even and I’d try to get it down as low as possible in an attempt to have the best chance at keeping it even…. If that doesn’t make any sense to you should count your lucky stars at this point.

Understanding of eating disorders has moved on a lot since I was poorly and I think most people know that eating disorders have absolutely nothing to do with being thin. What I don’t think many people realise is that eating disorders often have EVERYTHING to do with not being fat. It’s a subtle difference and one that still governs my life to a certain small extent.

I’m ashamed to say that I think unpleasant things about being fat. I have a morbid fear of being overweight and even if I could cure my fear I wouldn’t want to because it terrifies me too much to even think about it. This fear has nothing to do with vanity although it has a lot to do with outward projections and the space I occupy in the world.

Reading that back it must appear to you that I still have a very unhealthy relationship with food and weight. I know that it isn’t ideal but I do know that it is managed. I’m aware, I have insight and that means I can keep myself in check. It makes for a miserable existence at times, but the process of keeping a well body when you have a broken brain is actually like heaven on earth when you compare it to the horror that is an eating disorder in full flow. Forget the times when my brain wants to jump off a building, or eat three packets of painkillers, or write ‘POINTLESS’ on my arm with a razor blade. Those things are a walk in the park compared to what an eating disorder does to your brain, your body and your life.

I’m terrified of being fat, but going back to the dark days of the starvation diet terrifies me so very much more. It is genuinely my biggest fear in the world because I don’t think it’s the kind of thing you manage to beat twice in your life.

I suppose I should let you know why I’m telling you all of this (I’ve been putting it off). The thing is I’ve put a little bit of weight on recently. I know I have because I can see it, and because I can feel it. I know that I’m not anything approaching fat – in fact I look healthy at the moment. My backside has made a re-appearance and I can wear a WonderBra and look like I might have some kind of a bust going on. My skin is healthy, and there are two nice apple type things where my cheekbones used to live. My ribs are in retreat.

This is all great – it’s nice to look in the mirror and see a healthy human being looking back. But at the back of my mind there’s a scary, scary thought that won’t go away: what if I can’t stop.

It’s spinning round and round and round.

It’s screaming at me: WHAT IF I CAN’T STOP? It’s scary because I know exactly what the answer is.

The answer is JUST STOP. Just like that. Don’t just stop, make up for it – you don’t want to run the risk of being fat after all and the best way to avoid ever weighing too much is by weighing as little as possible. It’s like an insurance policy.

I know this is all ridiculous and disordered and not at all rational. But it doesn’t have to make sense for it to be scary. I am on guard at the moment. It seems I’m destined always to be on guard against something. If broken brain isn’t terrorising itself thinking about how pointless everything is it manages to find something else to keep me in a state of absolute terror.

Curse my broken brain.

Lots of love from WeeGee

Posted in Welcome to my world

The bottom of it

Posted on by WeeGee

I thought it was about time I did a little update. I haven’t posted for a while – not because I haven’t had anything to say, in fact, if anything I’ve had too much to say…..

The 19th September 2012 came and went. Nothing happened apart from a few bad memories and a touch of regret. In the main scheme of things I can live with a few bad memories and a little bit of regret. That kind of stuff is the least of my worries when it comes down to it.

I’ve spent the last few days peering down though time. I can’t help thinking that if I look for long enough I’ll manage to see the beginning of time and then I’ll get to the bottom of all this: How did I end up so broken and damaged? What happened to make me so vulnerable? Why can’t I just be normal?

I’m not feeling at all sorry for myself by the way. I just feel like I need to understand what this is all about because simply blaming it on a broken brain seems too easy. It’s akin to accepting that nothing will ever get better or change because ‘that’s just the way I am’. I feel like I’ve reached the point that I’m not prepared to accept that anymore. I don’t want to spend my whole life trying to ‘manage’ my brain. I just want to get on with ‘being’. I don’t mind if I’m happy or sad – I only want to be.

I’m in that up mood that comes along every so often – the kind of mood where everything seems possible – where I have a million ideas pinging about in my head and every single one of them feels like the best idea on earth. This mood is exactly why I feel like I have to understand everything and get better. BECAUSE I WANT TO HAVE A FUTURE with all of my fantastic ideas and all this energy in it.

I’ve been here before, so many times so I know it won’t last. Eventually I’ll run out of time and I’ll get defeated by it all again. But I want it to be different this time – I really do. So I’m going to carry on looking down through time, just in case I get to the bottom of it.

Lots of love from WeeGee xx

Posted in About today

Delirium

Posted on by WeeGee

If I was to say that I am TOTALLY exhausted it would be something of an MASSIVE understatement. The last time I looked at the clock last night was just after 4am. The first time I looked at the clock this morning was 6.20am and I’ve been awake ever since. I’m slightly delirious but I don’t think I could sleep right now if I tried….

I hate insomnia. I sometimes think that is my life’s ambition to go to sleep when I’m tired, stay asleep and then wake up when I’m not tired any more – just once or twice you know, to see how it feels? Not much of an ambition, eh?

If it weren’t for the insomnia things would be rumbling along reasonably well all things considered. It’s ‘D Day’ tomorrow but I’m trying not to think about that too much. In fact I’ve got a long list of distractions and plans to get me through it. As far as I’m concerned there are going to be no tragedies or disasters on the 19th September this year – world: take note. I’ve also decided that I’m not going to let my brain drive me round the bend thinking about all the tragedies and disasters of the past – brain: take note.

I’m racking my brain for something to tell you about. I don’t know if it’s the delirium, or the fact that things are just about fine but I got nothing. By rights I should do a ‘thirty days’ post but I’m TOTALLY exhausted so that really wouldn’t work.

Okay – so that’s about it from me. I’m exhausted, delirious and dreading tomorrow. But things are just about fine.

Over and out.

Love from a very sleepy but not able to sleep WeeGee xxx