Tag: Depression

Posted in About today

Expectancy, excitement, crying, a mad rush, more crying, even more crying and a dilemma (with the potential for more crying): A day in the life of WeeGee

Posted on by WeeGee

What can I tell you?

I woke up with this strange feeling of expectancy and the feeling has stayed with me all day. I can’t explain in better than that I just feel like something is going to happen – I don’t know if it’s a good something or a bad something, and to be honest, I don’t think I mind much. Something is better than nothing, right?  Of course, I don’t claim to have any kind of psychic powers, in fact, I’m not at all convinced that such a thing exists so who knows where this feeling of expectancy is coming from. Mr Hilarious suggested that it’s probably indigestion* and I can’t argue with him since I’ve never actually (to my knowledge) had indigestion to know what it feels like…..

Anyway, Kingston was buzzing with Olympic excitement again this morning as the torch made its way down the river from Hampton Court and under the Kingston Bridge. I headed down to the river like the dutiful citizen that I am and I have to admit it was a little bit exciting. The thing you have to bear in mind here is that I am possibly the most cynical person in the world when it comes to things like that, so me saying it was a ‘little bit exciting’ means you can probably multiply up by a factor of at least a million to get the idea. Everyone was all happy and smiling and friendly and it felt like being on holiday in the friendliest place ever. I liked it. A lot.

Whilst I was down at the river I bumped into some of the gang from work so I didn’t end up watching a big boat with a big flame floating along the river all by myself which was a bonus. In the end, all things considered, I think a good time was had by all – even if the Riverside cafe had run out of bacon by the time we got to the front of the queue meaning that we had to content ourselves with pastries which were nice, but not quite as nice as bacon butties would have been.

When the boat actually went passed I got a bit caught up in the moment and the cheering and the friendly holiday atmosphere and found myself…. wait for it…. crying! I don’t know why, it just happened that way. I have to confess that I felt like a proper chump when Mr Hilarious noticed and pointed it out to everyone**. What can you say – I’m a sucker for a big boat with a big flame – get’s me every time?!

Work was a mad rush not to leave any major catastrophes for someone else to deal with because as of tonight I am on leave for two whole weeks. Woop woop! The timing is lousy given some of the things I’m working on at the moment, but it was a case of use it or lose it and I decided that I really didn’t want to lose it because that equated to working for free. I love my job but you do have to draw the line somewhere.  I got everything done and I don’t think there are any ticking bombs with my initials on anywhere, but if there are, and they go off I won’t be around and I almost don’t care!

Aside from being a mad rush it was also a sad day at work because one of my fellow ‘seniors’ in the Finance, Planning, Resources and Compliance Team*** left today. It’s always sad when someone moves on but it was especially poignant for me today as this person started on the same day as me so we’ve always kind of stuck together. The thing is, we work well together but we’re not especially close so I wasn’t expecting be so sad to see her go that I was moved to tears during the leaving presentation and I certainly didn’t expect for us both to blub like babies as we hugged goodbye. It’s funny how things catch you off guard sometimes isn’t it? Anyway, the main point is that I don’t cry at work, because I’m a professional like that. Today was a great big major exception and I don’t plan on a repeat performance anytime soon even if I do still feel a bit sad about it now. Boo hoo.

As I write I am trying to figure out the following dilemma: is WeeGee going to go to a party?  I don’t like going to parties which means I never go to parties. Not going to parties because you don’t like them is all well and good, but never going to parties is totally rubbish. I can manage one small party where I know almost everyone can’t I? But I’m a bit emotional today so what if I have a little drink and turn into the crying girl at the party. No-one likes a crying girl at a party, especially if the crying girl is a) WeeGee and b) mental….. I said I would go. I don’t want to let people down. I want to go. I don’t want to go. Oh F……. iddlesticks.

Before I sign off I should let you know that the brain is still broken, but the brain and I had some words and it seems to be giving me a little bit of peace for now.

That is all.
Love from WeeGee who is going to a party. Who isn’t going to a party. Who might be going to a party xx

*Because he’s hilarious like that

**Because he’s also hilarious like that

***That’s FPRC if you are in the know

Posted in Moving forwards

Dear Person

Posted on by WeeGee

Dear Person,

You have been there in the background for too long now, and tonight is the night when I say enough is enough. It is time for you to leave me behind and I you.

I suppose you will wonder what has brought this on. The answer, is time. The time that I’ve had to make sense of everything that didn’t make sense until I had time.  Last night you sent me a message and fifteen minutes later you chased it up wondering what on earth could be the matter that I hadn’t responded within fifteen little minutes. Tonight, I guess you are busy, because there has been no message and no chase up and you don’t seem to be interested in what on earth might be the matter.

It always was on your terms – whatever it was. I no longer accept your terms. I’m not here when you’re lonely and gone when you are not. I am here always, such is my way but such is not yours. I have been held back by ‘your terms’. By the words you threw at me – like ‘this might be the biggest mistake I’ve ever made’ or ‘do you want a lodger’ or ‘I’m so unhappy without you’. No more. No more your words and no more your terms. I’m not as vulnerable as you think.

Does this mean I don’t love you? Not at all. That I love you is the deepest, purest and truest thing I ever did or ever will do. Some things just are – they can’t be changed. But what I can change is my presence. I am here for me, in my life, in my world and not for you in your life, in your world when it suits.

I am learning lessons. I don’t suppose you expected that. But then again, I’m not as vulnerable as you think nor indeed as vulnerable as I thought.

Lots of love from WeeGee (being all cryptic but feeling great)

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

Hold on

Posted on by WeeGee

When you’re mental, holding on is something that you get quite good at doing. You ‘hang on in there’, you ‘cling on’, you ‘keep on going’. After a while, you get quite good at all that holding on to stuff.

I’m good at holding on. I’ve been mental enough to not want to be alive for more than half of my life and I’m still here. How’s that for holding on?

Today though, I’m thinking of the things I let go of so that I could keep on holding on. The people I loved, the things I cared about, everything I wanted to be – so many things that I had to let go of just so I could hold on to something. I don’t even know what the something I’ve been holding onto is.

We’re all holding on, aren’t we? I feel like I’m holding on to nothing much. What are you holding on to?

I think I’d rather have held on to the things I let go than whatever it is I’m holding on to now. Does that make any sense whatsoever?

This is a short post. It’s about holding on and that’s what we all do. I’m just not sure what I’m holding onto anymore. Boo hoo:

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

Doing it right?

Posted on by WeeGee

I’ve decided that it’s about time I attempted something approaching coherent – I’ve been meaning to write about all kinds of things but thoughts keep getting in the way.

The first thing to say is that over the weekend I reached the rather dizzying heights of…. One hundred* followers here on WordPress. Wow! I thought it was particularly exciting to reach one hundred, because, you know, what’s not to like about a nice neat hundred? The only thing is I thought I got a  a badge or something from WordPress but I didn’t. Poor me. Anyway, I can’t quite believe that one hundred human beings have stopped by my blog and decided they had a little bit of interest in reading the nonsense that comes out of my head. Like I said… wow!

The next thing to say is that despite my recent rocky patch I am still ‘functioning well’. Those were my GP’s*** words and I guess I agree insofar as that I continue to cling on and make a reasonable fist of dragging myself through things. I’m not sure that making a reasonable fist of dragging yourself through things ought to be seen as functioning well – it’s more a case of functioning in spite of things surely? Anyhow, I didn’t want to get into another argument with her so I let her have that one. I also didn’t bother respond to the ‘I’m not as discouraged as you are’ comment because I was too busy trying not to poke her in the eye for saying such a ridiculous thing. So I’m depressed and I’m discouraged and you’re not depressed** and you’re not discouraged? Who’d have thunk it? (By the way, I went to see my GP yesterday when I was very angry. About everything. And everybody….)

Needless to say the argument with my GP wasn’t really an argument at all because WeeGee doesn’t do confrontation in the real world**** it was more of a difference of opinion. The GPs opinion was that because I can ‘afford’ to pay for private counselling I should perhaps come off the NHS waiting list for CBT which, by the way, I have been on for twenty weeks now. WeeGee’s opinion was that it wasn’t so much a case of being able to ‘afford’ it as being so terrified of myself that I couldn’t ‘afford’ not to find a way to ‘afford’ it. WeeGee was also of the opinion that the GP seemed to have missed the whole point of the NHS which, as I’ve always understood it, is essentially free treatment at the point of need regardless of your ability to pay (Mini rant about the NHS and how we’re all going to hell in a hand cart what with the Tories and all officially over).

More than anything, I think I’ve hit a wall of frustration. I’m doing everything right, I really am. I’m taking my medication, I’m mindful, I’m eating, I’m exercising and above all else I’m trying very (very) hard. I keep my appointments with my GP, Mr Clever the psychiatrist and my own lovely counsellor Mrs Mountain and I take everything that they say on board*****. I’ve got mood charts, progress charts, lists and self help resources coming out of my ears. I haven’t topped myself yet. I’m doing everything right but none of it is getting any better. Actually it feels like it gets a little worse with every day that passes.

I honestly don’t know what to do next. Is it really just a case of waiting it out? Will it pass in time? Or is the problem that I’m maybe throwing too much at it? Or do I just think I’m doing it right when actually I’m doing it wrong?

Who knows? Answers on the back of a postcard.

 

Meanwhile in other news I have continued to keep up with the 10,000 step challenge even though I’ve been a bit mental and the Olympic torch passed through Kingston today. I was a little bit underwhelmed by the whole thing but I did enjoy listening to the couple next to me arguing about who was responsible for forgetting to put batteries in the camera. Nothing else to report today save that the sun is shining upon the UK which means I have a sunburnt nose****** and the Breaking Bad obsession in coming along quite nicely thank you very much.

Cheerio, WeeGee xx

 

 

 

 

*Then it went up to 101, which is less neat but does allow me to say that I have more than 100 followers

**To my knowledge. Perhaps I shouldn’t make assumptions like that – a lot of people probably don’t think I’m depressed either

***AKA Mrs Helpful, but I couldn’t bring myself to call her that today

****I do okay at it when I’m at work but I’m just acting

*****Unless it’s stupid

******When will I learn!

Posted in About today

Nasty little brain

Posted on by WeeGee

Does anybody happen to know where I can find the ‘broken brain complaints department’? I think I’ve had more than my fair share of broken brain now and I’ve decided it’s about time I started kicking up a stink about it. I tried complaining to God, but it seems that broken brains are outside his/her/its jurisdiction. I guess that’s bureaucracy for you.

My broken brain has been giving me a pretty hard time of late. First of all it went all flat and empty and then it decided it COULDN’T COPE with being flat and empty for ANOTHER SECOND and tried to explode. Then it didn’t care about anything anymore and went into hiding before deciding it was going to do everything in it’s power to murder me. As if all that wasn’t bad enough when my nasty little brain discovered that I wasn’t going to let it kill me (because I’m quite strong for a wee thing) it filled itself up with spite and hatred with a little rage thrown in for good measure. Jolly good show broken brain.

Anyway, I’m far too full of spite, hatred and rage to do much today (including write a proper post) so I’m going to ignore myself for a little while. It’s Breaking Bad* box sets for WeeGee until my brain starts behaving itself or until I’ve watched the  lot (whichever comes first).

Love from and angry little WeeGee xx

 

*Of course, after five episodes I’ve already developed a strong emotional attachment to Jesse because he’s a) beautiful and b) a bit vulnerable

Posted in About today

Fix me

Posted on by WeeGee

Just so you know this isn’t going to be a particularly cheery one. Now you know….

You know how I love Frank Turner? Well here’s a Frank Turner song to get proceedings underway:

I love this song so very much for lots of different reasons, not least because I am of the delusional belief it’s actually about me. If only it was possible to ‘take away the part that hurts and let the rest remain’ things would be just fine and dandy for me. I’m not all rubbish, just a little bit rubbish. If I could just cut out the rubbish then I wouldn’t be rubbish at all. So yeah, fix me please.

I’ve been in hiding. It didn’t really occur to me that I was doing it until Mr Friendly pointed it out to me, mostly I think because it’s been a different kind of hiding. But I’ve been withdrawing from people, and things and from my blog – it all adds up to hiding, and I’m hiding because I simply can’t cope. Everything is futile and empty and there isn’t a point – to anything or to any of it. The only point is that you keep going even thought there isn’t a point. I can’t believe that I’m the only person who wonders why you keep on doing pointless things even though they’re pointless and there isn’t a point

I know what I need to do. I’ve had a broken brain for a very long time and, if nothing else, I know the drill. I don’t know why I’m not doing what I know I need to do. Maybe it’s that self sabotage button coming into play again? Or maybe it doesn’t matter whether I do what I need to do or not because it won’t change the fact that it’s pointless? I don’t suppose it matters because either way, I’m not going to do it, whatever it is. I know that much.

When I was a tiny little thing, I opened the back door of my parents’ house and a giant black bird fell out of the sky right before my very eyes and landed on the lid of the wheelie bin – stone dead. It should have been horrifying and maybe it was, in a way. But it also made a little bit of sense to me that a bird could just fall out of the sky like that, because even then I felt like I was right at the edge of something, ready to fall off.

Birds die and fall out of the sky; WeeGee lets go and falls off the edge of the world.

I told you it wasn’t going to be a cheery one, but hey – at least I’m not in hiding from my blog anymore…..

Lots of love from a tired but clinging on WeeGee xx

Posted in About today

Just the way I’m feeling

Posted on by WeeGee

I’m a big fan of words, and I don’t usually believe all that stuff about ‘pictures being worth a thousand words’ but I’m making an exception today because all my words are jumbled up with my thoughts and I can’t say it better than this:

Love, WeeGee xxx

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

The long and the short of it

Posted on by WeeGee

I’ve had to write two versions of today’s post – a long version and a short version.

I wrote the long version first and then I thought ‘Crikey*, what a jolly* miserable post that is, it’ll probably bore the arse** off everyone’ so I wrote the short version too so you could still get the gist even if the long one bored the arse off you and you had to stop reading it in order to work out how to re-attach your (probably lovely) arse to your (definitely lovely) self…

The short version

The short version starts with this video:

And then goes something like this:

Boo hoo. Woe is me. Boo-bloody-hoo. I hate myself and I want a pie. Sob sob. The end. Sob.

The long version

Are you sitting comfortably? Then I’ll begin….

I thought I’d start at the end today, just for a bit of a change. I know that it’s conventional to do the beginning, followed by the middle, followed by the end but this is a blog about my broken brain and today it’s the end that is at the front of the thought queue so that’s where I’m starting.

The end is this: None of this was supposed to happen. My life has taken me to the point at which I can only decide that this is all wrong, that this isn’t what I wanted and that this can’t possibly be what was supposed to happen even though it did. Now what?

Let’s have a song while I make my mind up:

I haven’t made my mind up yet. Oh bums.

One of the things I tell myself, over and over again is that the fact that I’m mental is the least interesting thing about me. Sure it means that from time to time I do some interesting things, but aside from all the mental madness stuff I’m essentially a proper person who cares about stuff.

Except I’m not; it’s a lie –  I’m not real or proper and if you could look into my heart the only thing you would see would be more nothing that you ever thought imaginable. Nothing is probably the only thing on earth that you can’t bring yourself to care about***.

If I’m not a proper person, the only things that are left are the impressive**** collection of ‘disorders’ I have managed to collect over the years. That’s all I am now, disordered and broken and that’s all I can be, because it is all there is to me. Boo hoo, sob sob, boo-bloody-hoo, poor me.

It’ll probably come to no surprise to you that I live alone. It certainly comes as no surprise to me. I don’t want to live alone, in fact I mostly hate it but how can you be so broken and share it with someone? Some things are better done in private, especially being mental. The thing is I’m always going to be mental. There isn’t a magic wand or a make-it-all better pill so I know that I’ll always be mental and it follows that I’ll always be alone. But I don’t want to be alone. Cards on the table? I just want somebody to save me. I can’t care about myself and I can’t take care of myself – I only really work in relation to other people. I wasn’t built to be alone, even though being alone is the only logical outcome of my condition.

Nobody is coming to save me. I don’t know how to save myself. This wasn’t what I wanted to happen.

Boo hoo, sob sob.

Love from WeeGee (once again hoping tomorrow is better) xx

*Yes. That’s actually how I talk. You know I’m British right?!

**In America I believe you say ‘ass’ which is fine by me even if it does make me think of a donkey and cause impossible and disturbing images to form in my head

***Except for Margaret Thatcher and possibly, the Eurovision Song Contest

****I don’t really think of it as impressive, but you know what I mean

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

Careful what you say…

Posted on by WeeGee

I haven’t really written a proper post for ages, and that’s no accident. There’s been an awful lot of nonsense in my head lately* and to counter it, I’ve stuck my head in the sand and gone about hiding in awards posts and games of tag. The thing is whilst it’s one thing to spend your time in the real world pretending that everything is okay, it’s just plain daft to attempt to hide the extent of your broken brain in a blog that you keep to document your journey with a broken brain. I suppose the only person I’m cheating is myself….

Something went wrong – somebody said something to me that they oughtn’t to have said. If they’d cared at all they wouldn’t have said it which means not only do I have to struggle with the fall out of what they said, but that I also have to contemplate the fact that they, along with (and, this is about my broken brain) everyone else I know simply doesn’t care.

So – you know I’m doing this 10,000 steps challenge? It was going really well and people were being incredibly generous** and I was just about proud of myself. And then Mrs Black and White popped up to say:

“And how did you get yourself involved with this? You’ll need to eat like a horse not to lose any weight”

Boom! End of feeling proud of myself.

I started to feel apologetic. Like I’d let her down because she clearly thought it was a bad idea and at the end of the day, I just want to please people and most of all her. Then I felt stupid…. what have I got myself involved with, what a ridiculous idea? Then I felt unloved because surely, for once in her life somebody who had seen EVERYTHING I’d been through could bite her tongue and say ‘good luck’ even if she thought it was a bad idea. And then, and this is the worst thing of all, I went a bit weird about food – as if to prove her right.

I am recovering from an eating disorder – which is to say that I have (more or less) maintained a healthy weight for EIGHT years having once almost starved myself to death. I don’t count calories, nor weigh myself. Heck I don’t even think about eating. I just do it when I’m hungry. But when it comes to food, I’m vulnerable. I guess I always will be and I hope I will always be brave enough to keep on doing the right thing however hard it gets: which is why the comment hurt so much.

My biggest fear in life is going back to where I was. I don’t need to think about it. I don’t need to remember. I need keep on keeping on. I don’t need the people who are supposed to care reminding me of who I used to be….. And this person really should have known better. It was just unkind to make something positive into a great big fear of being unwell.

From one little comment comes a spectacular unravelling. That’s the way things go around here. It doesn’t take much for me to unravel because I’m fragile. When you’re fragile people have to be very careful about what they say and do which in the end means that people don’t bother because it’s easier not to bother than to be careful.

I shouldn’t let it get to me. I know that, but it isn’t that simple in my head – I don’t get to decide what bothers me and what doesn’t; the way I feel just happens and most of the time I can’t cope with the outcome. WeeGee doesn’t do feelings well

*Yes – even more nonsense than normal

**I’ve raised £235 so far. £15 more and I get a certificate from Mind!

Posted in Little things that made me smile

Tag round….. Ohh. I’ve lost count….

Posted on by WeeGee

These are Bourbon at Crazy in the coconut’s questions:

What is your favourite YouTube video?

It’s probably this:

What is your signature dish?

Maybe Pavlova which is the only sweet dish I do. Or perhaps guacamole which is my latest obsession.

How did you come to choose your blog name?

Like so many things in my life, it comes from one of my dad’s sayings: ‘How do you eat an elephant? Bite by bite’. Which is really just to say you can overcome anything if you take it step by step…

How many languages can you speak?

Rather embarrassingly, only one fluently: English

What is your guilty pleasure?

Phil Collins. I know.

What is your favourite feature about yourself?

I’m not daft, in fact I think I’m quite clever(ish). That’ll do me.

If you were a fly on the wall for a day, which wall would you choose to sit on? 

I’d sit on my own wall and maybe that way I could work out what on earth was going on in my head.

What is your first ever memory?

I’ve no idea, but nobody seems to believe me when I say that.

If you had to live in a different country from your own for a year, which country would it be?

I’d head to Madagascar to meet the frogs 🙂

What is the craziest outfit you’ve ever worn?

Erm? Dunno. Happen I might be wearing it right now!

How are you today?

I’m alright thank you very much.