Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

The long and the short of it

I’ve had to write two versions of today’s post – a long version and a short version.

I wrote the long version first and then I thought ‘Crikey*, what a jolly* miserable post that is, it’ll probably bore the arse** off everyone’ so I wrote the short version too so you could still get the gist even if the long one bored the arse off you and you had to stop reading it in order to work out how to re-attach your (probably lovely) arse to your (definitely lovely) self…

The short version

The short version starts with this video:

And then goes something like this:

Boo hoo. Woe is me. Boo-bloody-hoo. I hate myself and I want a pie. Sob sob. The end. Sob.

The long version

Are you sitting comfortably? Then I’ll begin….

I thought I’d start at the end today, just for a bit of a change. I know that it’s conventional to do the beginning, followed by the middle, followed by the end but this is a blog about my broken brain and today it’s the end that is at the front of the thought queue so that’s where I’m starting.

The end is this: None of this was supposed to happen. My life has taken me to the point at which I can only decide that this is all wrong, that this isn’t what I wanted and that this can’t possibly be what was supposed to happen even though it did. Now what?

Let’s have a song while I make my mind up:

I haven’t made my mind up yet. Oh bums.

One of the things I tell myself, over and over again is that the fact that I’m mental is the least interesting thing about me. Sure it means that from time to time I do some interesting things, but aside from all the mental madness stuff I’m essentially a proper person who cares about stuff.

Except I’m not; it’s a lie –  I’m not real or proper and if you could look into my heart the only thing you would see would be more nothing that you ever thought imaginable. Nothing is probably the only thing on earth that you can’t bring yourself to care about***.

If I’m not a proper person, the only things that are left are the impressive**** collection of ‘disorders’ I have managed to collect over the years. That’s all I am now, disordered and broken and that’s all I can be, because it is all there is to me. Boo hoo, sob sob, boo-bloody-hoo, poor me.

It’ll probably come to no surprise to you that I live alone. It certainly comes as no surprise to me. I don’t want to live alone, in fact I mostly hate it but how can you be so broken and share it with someone? Some things are better done in private, especially being mental. The thing is I’m always going to be mental. There isn’t a magic wand or a make-it-all better pill so I know that I’ll always be mental and it follows that I’ll always be alone. But I don’t want to be alone. Cards on the table? I just want somebody to save me. I can’t care about myself and I can’t take care of myself – I only really work in relation to other people. I wasn’t built to be alone, even though being alone is the only logical outcome of my condition.

Nobody is coming to save me. I don’t know how to save myself. This wasn’t what I wanted to happen.

Boo hoo, sob sob.

Love from WeeGee (once again hoping tomorrow is better) xx

*Yes. That’s actually how I talk. You know I’m British right?!

**In America I believe you say ‘ass’ which is fine by me even if it does make me think of a donkey and cause impossible and disturbing images to form in my head

***Except for Margaret Thatcher and possibly, the Eurovision Song Contest

****I don’t really think of it as impressive, but you know what I mean


17 thoughts on “The long and the short of it

  1. Three things:
    1. “I’m not a proper person” – I tell myself this all the time…but your phrasing sounds so much cooler and British.

    2. ” I don’t want to live alone, in fact I mostly hate it but how can you be so broken and share it with someone?” I’m with you here, too. Although I do enjoy my time alone, I feel like my living alone is a permanent state. I’ve noticed a lot of mental health-type bloggers are in relationships and the thought that crosses my mind is always – how do you do that? how do you start? how do you sustain it? It’s the social anxiety talking, but…yea…living alone. No bueno.

    3. The long version was a good read, so it didn’t feel long at all!

  2. *sits down next to you for a bit* — I may not be able to save you, but I can at least join you with it for a little while…. x

  3. Is it something to do with the mentals because I like pie also. I have pie days and pasta days and my family says I only eat dinner that begins with P.
    But I know how you are feeling WeeGee, you write how I feel some days :S
    At least there will always be pie to comfort us.

  4. Hugs lovely, you’ve described where I am at.
    You know what? I’ve been thinking about suing Disney.
    Because doesn’t the Prince ALWAYS come save the girl from herself? Well, that hasn’t happened has it?
    Because it doesn’t.
    We have to go out and socialise and meet people, who accept us for who we are, which is EXTREMELY hard when you can’t accept yourself for being you.
    So, how does one accept yourself for being you? That’s what you need to figure out. You don’t need saving from yourself or anything, you need to accept yourself. When you do, everyone will know, because you’ll show it through yourself, and that’s what other people find attractive.
    If it helps, I think you’re awesome.
    But I think I’m a lie too. Otherwise I’d be able to tell you exactly how to like yourself. I think I’m my own worst enemy, and I’m definitely not my own friend.
    You and I are real, we could be running around in denial, at least we are not doing that! x

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