Tag: Depression

Posted in About today

Never laugh again

Posted on by WeeGee

I’m not having a good day and I’m sorry I’m to be sharing this kind of post with you again but I need to talk to somebody and everybody is busy so you guys get the pleasure of a sobbing WeeGee.

I can’t believe what a difference a day can make – bouncing around laughing one day and filled full of nothing the next. I was supposed to bounce around for a while and then settle down nicely. Why does my brain never do what it’s supposed to?

Today I have mostly hated myself for the following reasons:

  • I’ve been living on complan for two days now because my appetite disappeared when I was sick and every time I tried to eat something I got the ‘refeeding horrors’
  • I think I disappointed somebody so much that they don’t like me anymore. This makes me sad because you know all that bouncing around trying to make people laugh I do? Well I mostly do that because I kind of need people to like me.
  • I have come to the conclusion that I am far too mental to even think about getting to know people who didn’t know me before I was mental which puts a bit of a spanner in the all new WeeGee works
  • Mum and dad couldn’t come to visit today because WeeGee was sick and WeeGee’s mum can’t be around sick people
  • I answered the phone to Mr Friendly so that I could be reminded how  utterly inadequate I am as a human being

To be honest I could write a much longer list of all the things I hate about myself but those are the main ones and I’ll leave it at that.

Right now I am sobbing. I’m sobbing for everything – for the last two years of my life, for all the things that will never happen, for all the emptiness there is to come.

…… And if somebody could tell a joke about now that would be just super because it feels like I might never laugh again.

I can’t send you any love today because there isn’t any of that in my heart

WeeGee x

Posted in About today

How do you date twenty five people at once?

Posted on by WeeGee

It’s been a funny old day in WeeGee land today. I am still very poorly but I am also a bit bouncy and enthusiastic which is a strange combination because it makes you do silly things like wearing an outfit you bought to go to  a wedding to work and feeling a bit over dressed for the rest of the day…..

I didn’t fancy a re-run of yesterday’s adventures in not boring yourself to death when you are poorly at home so I decided I might as well go into the office to try and not bore myself to death there instead. It’s actually quite easy not to bore yourself to death in the office on a Friday when everybody is in a good mood and therefore more susceptible to join in when WeeGee bounces around being distracted and generally hilarious. Much fun was had in the office this afternoon and I kept forgetting I was poorly, which was nice. We also decided what’s going to happen next in Homeland* and which one of the IT Crowd is most likely to buy an ipad mini even though they’ve already got a pad, pod and phone and every other gadget going – the conclusion was Mr Hilarious, by the way and that is exactly why Mr Hilarious is my best friend in the world bar none.

What next? Oh I know….. I had a particularly amusing search engine term yesterday which I thought I’d share: “how do you date 25 people at once?”. In the off chance that person comes back to my blog in an attempt to find the answer I’m going to point it out to them: YOU DON’T. THE END. Whilst we are on the subject of online dating here are my top tips for the day:

  • It is never, ever, socially acceptable (not even on the Interweb) to say the following to a stranger ‘hey there WeeGee can you tell me how fab your tits are?**’
  • If you’ve never met me and you call me ‘darling’ I will take an instant and irretrievable dislike to you***
  • If a guy sends you his number and the only thing you can think of to store it as is ‘Nick the perv’ you definitely don’t want to store it

I think that’s about it from an online dating point of view – although I should point out that I met a magician recently. As in a real life actual person who goes to work as a Magician every day. How cool is that?

Now for a small serious section

I’ve been having a few little worries to myself recently – not the big “I’m so worried I’m going to jump off something tall so I don’t have to worry anymore” kind of worry, but you know what I’m like with worrying so I thought it was the kind of thing I should talk through with Mrs Mountain. Mrs Mountain reliably informed me that most of the things I am worrying about are the things that NORMAL PEOPLE worry about anyway. Which was nice. She also pointed out that if you’ve spent two years wanting to climb up a tall thing just so you can jump off it it’s natural to be a little frightened by the thought you might actually like to climb up a tall thing just for the sheer hell of it – and that made a lot of sense to me.

We also did a bit of boundary checking today what with boundaries being one of the things I’ve been having a little worry about. My usual problem with boundaries is setting them too narrow so that nobody can get anywhere near me – I know about narrow boundaries and how to sort that out. What I don’t know about is boundaries that are too wide, and I suppose I was worried that the current attack of the bouncy and enthusiastics might have set my boundaries too widely and was giving too much of myself away. Anyway, we came to the conclusion that probably isn’t the case because I’m not ending up anywhere I feel uncomfortable and also because I know that I get to set my own boundaries and that’s the end of that.

The end of the small serious section

Meanwhile in other news I will shortly be going home to be poorly which sucks because everybody else in the whole entire world is going out to eat, drink and be merry and I’m quite bouncy so I’d like to do a bit of that too. Instead I am going home to eat healthy red, green and brown stuff, and then cuddle up with Gryff and watch Have I Got News For You. Rock and roll. Nothing else to report today save that…. Did I mention I am poorly?

Lots of love and awesome things from WeeGee Still McSickNote xxx

*If what we’ve decided is going to happen doesn’t happen I am going to be VERY DISAPPOINTED

**Because everybody knows that the correct terminology when addressing a lady such as myself is ‘breasts’. That is A Joke, by the way

***Most other affectionate pet names are acceptable apart from maybe sweet cheeks, I’m not keen on that

Posted in About today

Ignore me – I’m a lunatic

Posted on by WeeGee

You know my last post? Well you can ignore that one already because broken brain isn’t getting away with that one. I liked my little hope and I’m keeping it whether the brain likes it or not.

The very lovely Ellie AKA the Anxious Elephant nominated me for the ‘very inspiring blogger award’ which was good of her not least because her blog is awesome. I’ve had that one before* so I’m not going to re-accept but I thought I’d half take part by telling you seven things about myself . That’ll be good fun eh?

Seven things that WeeGee did today

1. WeeGee realised she was having the annual swollen tonsils event and thought ‘what a pain in the backside that is’.

2. WeeGee got all bundled up in her new hat to go to the doctors but soon realised she didn’t need her new hat because it wasn’t actually that cold and she was too hot to start with anyway. This is me in my new hat** which I share with you because it’s new and I haven’t had any compliments yet. Yes. That was a hint.

3. WeeGee finally got to the end of The Thick of It and realised that Mr Friendly was right when he said it peaked at episode five. Which annoyed her because now she can’t have an argument about it with him.

4. WeeGee spent the afternoon trying to complete her mission to read the whole of the Internet. She hasn’t quite managed it yet but her preliminary review is that some of it is good but most of it is RUBBISH

5. WeeGee spent a lot of time wondering how she hadn’t discovered Good Old War on spotify before because they are AWESOME

6. WeeGee had a little bit of a wobbly boohoo moment but was okay in the end

7. WeeGee decided that she was going into work tomorrow even if she dies in the night because being poorly at home is BORING

Told you it’d be fun 😀

Lots of love from WeeGee McSickNote xxxxx

*I must be very inspiring or somefink!

**I’m not actually smiling – that’s my ‘I’m very poorly’ brave face

Posted in About today

Why must I do this to myself?

Posted on by WeeGee

I apologise in advance for this one. I’m afraid it isn’t very cheery. Today I am sad. Actually, I’m not only sad, I feel like somebody tuned out all the lights again….

It started, I guess when I was listening to this song*

And I was having a nice little hope to myself – thinking ‘please, please let me get what I want’ when it hit me. What if I can’t cope with not getting what I think I might want? What if I end up all devastated and bereft and the flat and empties return to torment me for another million years?

So I started to think about doing what WeeGee does when confronted with such situations – I decided hiding was the only option. Instead of waiting to find out if I might get what I want for once in my life I’ll decide I don’t want it. I’ll spend my time forgetting about my little hope and I’ll never find out what might have happened and I’ll head off something bad happening by making sure that nothing good happens.

Why must I do this to myself?

 

*Golden rule of recovery? Don’t listen to the Smiths when you are poorly and sad

Posted in Little things that made me smile

Holy Swearword!

Posted on by WeeGee

I had a bit of a ‘holy swearword moment’ this morning. I woke up*, got out of bed: morning Gryff, morning Sean** flipped the kettle on and headed for the shower. When I was in the shower I thought ‘ooooh I wonder what’s going to happen today?’ and started having a nice little daydream about all the things that might happen. Which is when I had my ‘holy swearword moment’…..

So you know I’ve spent the last five months of my blog going ‘boo hoo, woe is me, I hate myself and everything is pointless?’. Guess what’s happened now? I’ve only gone and worked out what the point is.

I don’t know what’s going to happen today AND THAT IS THE WHOLE POINT. Things are going to happen – good things, bad things, weird things, funny things and all sorts of other things and WeeGee is going to be right there in the world finding out what things are going on.

How exciting is my holy swearword moment?

I was bursting to share that with you, but I’ll be back later to fill you in on the gossip.

Lots of love and a little bit of gratuitous swearing (but not out loud because Rhio doesn’t like it) from WeeGee xxx

 

 

*Early again which I LOVE

**Sean W Keavney of Six Music fame***

***Bet you thought I’d got a new man for a minute there didn’t you? Hey – I’m good at online dating but I’m not that good 😉

 

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

I love my kettle

Posted on by WeeGee

I came to the conclusion that I had to speak to somebody about being all bouncy and enthusiastic after the following occurred:

WeeGee wakes up early and thinks I LOVE waking up early

WeeGee looks in the mirror and thinks I LOVE my  haircut

WeeGee picks Gryff up and thinks I LOVE Gryff

WeeGee turns the radio on and thinks I LOVE this song

WeeGee switches the kettle on and thinks…… I LOVE MY KETTLE.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s a nice enough kettle, but that’s really not the point.

I’m fairly confident that the flat and empties are on their way out of my life for a little while which means that the chemicals in my brain are swimming around in the right places in the right quantities. That’s the good part. The bad part is that my brain has been flat and empty for more than two years now and it doesn’t really know what’s hit it. In response broken brain has decided that it’s invincible and that it LOVES everything which is a) exhausting and b) a bit dangerous. It’s dangerous because the last time my brain was like that I did a number of monumentally stupid things, the consequences of which I’m still dealing with now.

I spoke to Mr Wise about what was going on, on account of him being all wise about matters concerning WeeGee’s wonky brain. Here’s what we decided:

 

  • I’m a little bit over excited and suggestible at the moment
  • I’m aware that I’m a little bit over excited and suggestible at the moment
  • The fact that I’m aware that I’m a little bit over excited and suggestible at the moment is a good thing because it means I’ve got the wherewithal to know that buying a brand new Audi on Hire Purchase probably isn’t a good idea right now

Actually here’s another thing I know – being a bit excited at the moment isn’t an entirely bad thing because it is partly in response to exciting things happening. That’s perfectly normal – my only difficulty is that the mentals are magnifying things a little bit.

Finally here’s the most important thing I know – eventually all this bounding around filled full of enthusiasm is going to settle down and that’s going to mean that I’m getting towards the end of the road to recovery. My aim for the time between now and settling down is to make sure that I don’t do anything monumentally stupid and (go me) I have a little plan.

Here’s what WeeGee is going to do:

  • Continue to take her meds until such a time that Mr Clever says otherwise
  • Contact Mr Clever’s office if she thinks she’s going to rate a day as better than ten out of ten
  • Consult with Mr Wise before making any purchases or financial decisions
  • Avoid alcohol completely
  • Be careful with caffeine and sugar
  • Not get a tattoo
  • Not dye her hair any colour but especially not a colour involving the word neon
  • Not buy a brand new Audi* on Hire Purchase

Anyway – I’m feeling rather pleased with myself at the moment because I saw something coming down the tracks and I didn’t wait to see what happened when it hit me – I had a bit of insight and took some positive action and you can’t say fairer than that

Lots of love, hugs and bouncing around from WeeGee xxxxx

*I don’t know where the obsession with owning an Audi comes from because a) I don’t care about cars and b) I can’t drive……

Posted in About today

Decisions, decisions

Posted on by WeeGee

I’m feeling a little bit bouncy and enthusiastic today – I don’t mind bouncy and enthusiastic but I’m not sure that Mr Clever would like it so I’ve decided not to make any decisions* today. That way I can be absolutely certain I’m not accidentally doing anything ‘reckless’. How’s that for a bit of insight?!

There was a small moment of panic in WeeGee land when I put on my (much loved) shiny red belt and realised that I had gone up a notch. My brain didn’t like that much and thought ‘Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fat.’ I let the thought swim around for a moment and then I grabbed hold of that nasty little thought and I strangled it to death. If one notch on a tiny belt is the price I pay for healthy skin and hair, or for those small curves that make my clothes hang better, or for being in the middle of green on the chart, or for a brain that isn’t trying to kill me – I’ll take the notch gladly thank you very much.

Anyway – back to the bouncy and enthusiastic. As I said, I really rather like it** because a)I get a lot done b)I get a lot planned and c)I’m tired at the end of the day which helps with my sleep. My sleeping is still a little topsy turvey but whenever I mention it to the professionals they tell me not to worry and that sleep is often one of the last things to come back. That makes sense to me so I’m not worrying which in itself is a major achievement because you know what it’s like when someone tells you not to worry***

Meanwhile in other news Gryff and I had a comedy start to the morning when he caught the BIGGEST SPIDER I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE and seemed to get a bit upset when he realised he had killed it. Which made me laugh. What didn’t make me laugh was having to dispose of said huge spider and then realising IT WASN’T ACTUALLY DEAD as it scuttled up my arm – cue much flapping and squealing, a spider flying across the room and a slightly baffled cat. Nothing else to report today save that I am getting my hair cut later on**** and I’m not even dreading it a little bit.

Shortish one from me today on account of the fact it was a longish one yesterday and that I’m writing it in my lunch hour

See you later alligators

Lots of love WeeGee – champion spider flinger xxx

 

 

 

*The obvious exception being the decision not to make any decisions

**Apart from the bouncing off the walls kind of enthusiastic. Which has been known and isn’t much fun….

***In case you aren’t prone to a spot of worrying – it’s a bit like when someone says ‘don’t look now’ and you HAVE to look

****It just occurred to me that getting your hair cut involves quite a big decision. Please, please don’t let me do anything reckless with my hair!

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

A spot of quiet reflection

Posted on by WeeGee

Today marks the six month anniversary of How do you eat an elephant? An appropriate point for a spot of quiet reflection methinks……

I suppose the first thing to say is the fact that WeeGee started doing something new six months ago and is still doing it today. That’s a big achievement what my tendency to move on to the next obsession a little too quickly and all. In six months my blog has changed quite a lot – I guess it takes a little while to find your feet. You know what though? I’m actually rather proud of my little blog –that I started it, that I’ve kept on doing it, that I’ve managed to turn it into something that matters to me. Me being proud of something I’ve done doesn’t happen very often so I’m definitely giving myself a little pat on the back today.

Now I’ve had my pat on the back I’ll do a bit more reflecting on stuff. I’ve been a reflective mood for a while, so I thought I might as well turn that into a post. To be honest I’ve been reflecting on pretty much everything, but neither you or I have time for that so I’ll focus on the most important bits.

A lot of my reflection has focused on where I’ve been and how I go about keeping myself where I am now for as long as possible. As to where I’ve been, well I’ve been lost somewhere totally shitty. Looking on the bright side I’ve learned an awful lot about myself along the way and I feel like I’m coming out the other side stronger. I know also, how I got to where I got to – holding on too tightly to things that actually, when I let go of them, just floated away without doing any damage at all. That tells me I need to learn to let go because once in a while letting go is the right thing to do.

Keeping myself here feels like a slightly daunting task. As much as I tell myself I can do it, or how much I feel like I can do it, I’m scared that one day, out of the blue I suddenly won’t be able to do it anymore. I can’t predict what’s going to happen in my life which means I can’t predict what’s going to happen in my brain. I can’t promise myself that where I am right now is going to be where I’ll be forever. That’s the thought I’ve been having and writing it down made me realise that maybe that’s the whole point. I don’t want to stay here forever and maybe I have a better chance of keeping myself well if I keep on moving.

I’m anxious about happens when Mr Clever decides I’m officially better and no longer need the medication and small army of support workers to get me through the day. I guess I just need to be on guard –  if I feel like things are getting risky I have make sure I do what I’ve been guilty of not doing in the past: shout up. That’s quite a big challenge I suppose, although in the main scheme of things I like a bit of a challenge every now and then.

I had a bit of a revelation during my recent session with Mrs Mountain. We were talking about what happens when all the support stops and I said something along the lines of “I can’t have counselling for the rest of my life”. Her response was “Why not?” And the penny dropped. Counselling isn’t just about putting yourself back together when you fall apart – it’s also about keeping yourself back together which is actually the most important part….

Moving on – a good deal of my reflection has been about Mr Friendly. I think that’s fairly natural. For a long time I thought I just wanted him back in my life – that, if I’m honest, Mr Friendly in my life was the only thing that would make me well again. Guess what? I’m getting well again all by myself. Mr Friendly will probably always be my friend and I’ll always love him. The big thing for me is that when I think about loving Mr Friendly now I think of a friendly, fond kind of love rather than whatever kind of ‘love’ we had when we were together. Being back together with Mr Friendly is actually a really bad idea, not least because he hurt me very badly. What he did, or rather the way he did what he did was anything but okay and it really doesn’t matter that he didn’t hurt me on purpose. The thing is I don’t have to forgive and forget all that stuff and I don’t need to pretend that it’s okay – I just need to accept it and then leave it in the past.

Anyway – we’re almost 1000 words later and that, I think, is enough quiet reflection for one day.

In summary, I’m feeling pleased with myself at the moment: I’m still learning lessons, and I’m finally fairly comfortable in my own skin. Long may it continue?

I might be back later to update you on the developments in my online dating experiment. It’s quite exciting really because for the first time in a very long time – I feel a bit of an adventure coming on!

Lots of love from WeeGee who is getting to the point where she barely recognises herself and likes it!

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

When will there be good news?

Posted on by WeeGee

When will there be good news: that’s a question I asked myself time and time again during some of my darker days. I think I’m finally  starting to work out what the answer is…

The point is that there is always good news – it’s just that when you’re full of the flat and empties, feeling pointless and bleak and wishing you were dead you don’t actually see it. I suppose when you’re in a good place you are more able to notice the good things when they happen.

I’m not really sure how I turn that into a lesson for the future, but it seemed like an important revelation to me so I thought I’d write it down for future reference.

I’m sure you’ll be excited to learn that I’ve got a longer more rambling post planned for you later. I’ve also (as is always the case at the moment) got rather a lot of reading to do. Catch you later, I guess…..

Lots of love from a philosophical WeeGee xxx

Posted in Reasons to be cheerful

Crazy Kid

Posted on by WeeGee

I had lentil soup for breakfast this morning. I didn’t really fancy any of the more usual breakfast items and I had lentil soup in the fridge. What can I say? That’s how much of a crazy kid I am…..

Over the weekend I’ve learned quite a few lessons about online dating. Here are just a few of them:

  • The internet dating world is a lot like the real world – most people are nice although there is a small proliferation of idiots
  • When someone offers to show you their rock polishing kit you should probably spot the potential for euphemism before you respond
  • When someone asks ‘do you like coffee’ they don’t actually want to know the long and boring story about how you gave up drinking it in 2010

Beyond that I can only really say positive things about my experience so far. I’ve spent my time chatting to some sweet and interesting people who I’d never have met in real life, which is really nice. It’s also rather good for one’s self esteem – what with people telling you’re pretty or attractive or even (get this) gorgeous! It perks you up a bit, even though you know they’re only saying it because that’s the kind of thing they have to say.

I do have a couple of small worries so far:

Small worry number one: I’m not entirely sure that my ‘how to spot a serial killer in a chat room’ radar is properly perfected. I mean – how do you ever really know?*

Small worry number two: That WeeGee thing of ‘getting all attached to people’ is already kicking in. I’m not attached in a scary clingy way; more in a I like you which means I’ll think about you from time to time and care about you and stuff. Much like how I feel about my blogging buddies I guess. Still – I need to be careful in the online dating world because not everyone cares as much as I do and sometimes my feelings get hurt.

The only other thing to say about my online dating experience so far is that not everybody gets my sense of humour. I KNOW! In all seriousness it is interesting to note that there are generally two kinds of people in the world: the earnest people and the flippant people. I definitely fall into the latter category and I’m not great at making conversation with people in the former.

Anyway – I’m determined to be ‘me’ which means I’m not going to be taking myself too seriously. So what if my profile is a bit light hearted? So what if I don’t have twenty ‘getting to know you questions’ lined up**? So what if not everybody ‘gets’ me? After all if somebody doesn’t get me we’re probably not going to have any fun and what’s the point in that?

So yeah. Online dating. Good for a giggle so far….

Meanwhile in other news it is now twenty days since I last had a noticeable attack of the mentals*** and I bought the wrong Pearl Drops toothpaste over the weekend. I’m telling you that because the toothpaste I inadvertently bought is bright pink. Pink! What kind of colour is that for toothpaste****? Nothing else to report today save that I am seriously considering going home and having breakfast cereal for lunch….. Told you I was a crazy kid today!

Ta ta for now

Love from WeeGeexxx

 

 

*I suppose the only conclusive proof would winding up dead in a ditch. Which seems a little extreme and deeply unfortunate

**I’d rather have a little ramble around our heads and see where we end up – you know: like how normal conversations work

***I’m not counting the day I was wearing squeaky shoes and it drove me MENTAL

****Unless you’re a small child