Today I have mostly been wondering exactly how many idiots there are in the world and just how many more of them I’m destined to meet and mistake for a nice person….. What can I say? People are endlessly disappointing.
You know me – I don’t mind people being mixed up, or confused, or frightened, or sad, or mental or anything else for that matter. I take people as I find them on the understanding that human beings only really want to be kind to one another. Trouble is – not many people seem to be able to understand that too. Mr Hilarious pointed out that ‘perhaps it’s time for WeeGee to harden her heart and stop letting all and sundry live there’ Perhaps it is, but that doesn’t feel like the right thing to do, not really. I wish I knew what the right thing to do is…..
Can somebody give me a lift to Planet Mental?
Anyway – enough of all that. Just a quick reminder that I’ve got me a little WeeGee shaped space on Facebook if you’d like to join me:
Incidentally if you’d like to add the real me you are very welcome to. Discretion guaranteed and my status updates are every bit as pithy and witty as you’d expect 🙂
I don’t have much else to say for myself today. All is well but I felt the need to a) have a little moan and b) engage in a spot of shameless self promotion.
So. This morning we had the gloomy little post and this evening we get the WeeGee is a tearful desperate little mess post. I know I’m really tired and I have to take it all with a pinch of salt but I don’t know what to do. I’m frightened.
I did two years where there was nothing wrong except for my brain. I survived it and came out the other side but now my brain is fine and everything is wrong and I don’t know what to do with it all. This is one hell of a mess. I almost wish I’d never got better, and that I’d stayed in hiding because as miserable as I might have been there was still the hope of what getting better was going to be like. I didn’t think it was going to be like this.
All I ever wanted was the leave the chaos behind, to do the right thing, to find myself a safe little spot on planet earth. I never cared about being happy. I just wanted to be okay. This is ridiculous. Why can’t I just be okay?
When I was officially mental I always knew what I had to do. I had on doing the right thing, and dig myself out of the hole, and focus on being all awesome and stuff. I’m not mental anymore and there’s nothing I can do to dig myself out of the hole. How do you keep a roof over your head when you can barely afford to buy a cup of tea? How do you square up to the Worst Thing Ever Take Two when its all your fault anyway and no-one cared to start with because you were only ever just a body to them. And easily left behind.
This isn’t making sense, I know that. But I need to say it out loud. I need it all to go away because this is going to make me ill and I can’t be ill anymore. I don’t have the courage or strength to do it all again. I wish there was a magic wand but I know better than anybody that it’s all just staging, and misdirection and sleight of hand.
It sounds so dramatic, but this feels like where the story ends. Because where do you go from the end anyway. There’s nothing after the end.
I’m tired. I need a pinch of salt, and some sleep and maybe some Frank Turner. Somehow this will all be okay in the morning, right?
Today I decided it was time to put some of those grand plans I’ve been making in my head into action, because I’ve been sitting on my backside doing nothing for too long and I’m bored of sitting on my backside doing nothing and the only way to remedy that is to get up and get on.
I’m proud of How do you eat an elephant? I like what I’ve achieved here, and what we’ve done together and I think we’re all pretty damn AWESOME so I figured we might as well tell a whole different world about how AWESOME we are.
Ladies and gentlemen….. I give you How do you eat an elephant? on Facebook:
I really hope you’ll head across and join me because I promise we’re going to have a whole lot of WeeGee shaped fun over there. It’s going to be an AWESOME and hilarious little place, where everybody is welcome and hugs are available on tap. Not only that – there’s even a PRIZE for follower number one…..
Go on. You’ll never know what you’re missing unless you try it.
Lots and lots of love (and I’m going to feel a bit foolish if no-one comes to the party) WeeGee xoxoxoxoxo
Today I have mostly been staying at home taking care of myself because the past few days have been pretty rotten and when things get rotten WeeGee forgets to take care of herself. I was all up and ready to go when I remembered one of the important lessons I learned during the last bad patch: sometimes you have to stop until you’re ready to start again. Today is about getting myself back on the starting blocks before everything gets out of hand.
Taking care of yourself is quite easy. It’s about being kind to yourself, and letting yourself relax, and reminding yourself that wherever you happen to be is exactly where the future starts because the thing about the future is that it just keeps on coming at you. That there is another one of those valuable lessons that I’ve learned along the way.
Whilst we’re on the subject of lessons I might as well remind myself of this one: if you find yourself vulnerable, and tired, and a little bit hormonal to boot you ABSOLUTELY MUST eat because if you add starving to vulnerable, tired and a little bit hormonal you end up with the perfect storm on your hands and you start behaving like a proper nutter.
I spoke to Mrs Mountain earlier because it felt like the right thing to do even though we’ve got an appointment tomorrow. As always she was wise, and kind and patient and she reminded me that I don’t have to figure it all out by myself, and that maybe this isn’t really about the things I’m making it about and that I’ve been okay before which means it is an absolute certainty that I’m going to be okay again. She also reminded me that receiving a mahoosive gas bill isn’t really the kind of thing that ought to drive you to almost jump out of the window because it’s only money and money is the thing that matters least in life and if you jump out the window all the things that really matter disappear as well.
Anyway I’m on a bit of a mission today – I’ve got lists to write, and things to face up to, and help to ask for. Above all else I’ve got music to listen to, and a cat to cuddle and an awful lot AWESOME stuff to look forward to. I keep thinking about bouncebackability and remembering the WeeGee is like a weeble because it doesn’t matter how much she wobbles she never ever falls down.
Meanwhile in other news Gryff has been a super little cat so far today. Every time I sit down he takes it upon himself to sit with me purring in that simple contented fashion that cats do – it’s as though he’s trying to pass on some of his contentedness to me, and I think it might be working. Nothing else to report today save it’s upwards and onwards once more……
Loads and loads of love, and a bit of Gryff’s contentedness, WeeGee xoxoxox
I’m a bit late with my post tonight because I’ve been really busy being an awesome little alien and stuff like that.
As per my last post, today was The Future Day One which basically meant I had to a) do some things I’ve been putting off, b) face up to some problems I’ve been ignoring and c) get on with all that upwards and onwards, keep on keeping on stuff that I’ve gotten so good at in recent months. Which is exactly what I’ve been doing. I’ve been reminded that when I put my mind to it I can be determined and ever so slightly formidable which really does beg the question – why don’t I put my mind to it more often?
Apart from doing things, and facing up to stuff and keeping on keeping on I have mostly been thinking about social media because I am, after all, a geek and also because tonight was the first night in the AWESOME ‘building a brand using social media’ course that I signed up for at work. I’m already filled full of ideas and theories and thoughts and I can’t wait until next week to find out more.
Meanwhile in other news all is well in WeeGee land. Nothing else to report today save that have you heard this song? It’s AWESOME:
Lots of love and hugs and warm thoughts from WeeGee xoxoxo
It’s quite something to be immortalised, but it’s even more special when you are immortalised by your alien brain twin. I can’t tell you how much this means to me – Sailor: it is you who is gold to the core because you sent this message, and this peace, and this hope today – exactly when I needed it the most. See you on the mother ship xoxoxoxox
I think there’ll be two posts from me today because I’ve got things to tell you about but I’ve also got an important announcement to make and I don’t want it all mixed up in one post because that wouldn’t be very tidy at all now would it?
I’ll go with the important announcement first.
Are you ready?
Pause for WeeGee to clear her throat in a ceremonious fashion…….
Sometime last week I achieved the impressive milestone of my 200th post on How do you eat an elephant? Not bad for a part time blogger who was completely MENTAL for the first seven months, eh?
An awful lot has happened since I first sat down to write last April. Granted, some of it has been pretty bad, but on reflection I can’t help but thinking that most of it has actually been pretty damn good. I’ve come an awful long way and – WEEGEE IS ABOUT TO BE A BIT SENTIMENTAL WARNING – I just wanted to say that I really don’t think I’d have got to where I am without the support of my WordPress friends. You really are an AWESOME bunch who I’m very, very lucky to have bumped in to. Thanks so very much, I love you all, and if anyone would like a hug they can definitely have a WeeGee shaped one today.
I promise not to come over all sentimental and unnecessary again until my 300th post or one year blogging anniversary (whichever comes first).
Just a quick one from me tonight – I’m afraid I haven’t given it too much thought so it might be a little rough around the edges.
Today I have mostly been having a quiet day to myself: I took the day off work and focused on a) sorting my money out, b) sorting myself out and c) doing stuff that I like doing. I’ve pretty much achieved all three so I think today counts as a rare success.
To be honest I can’t decide whether I feel sad or hopeful today. Is it possible to feel both? I seem to have rediscovered the feeling that I’ll never really know how I feel – which means at worst I can be okay without ever really understanding why, or how I’m okay. Still – okay is okay and I guess I’ll have to take that.
Anyway all of that aside- I wondered if you might do me a little favour and head over to Youtube and ‘like’ this video:
I’ll love you forever if you do……
I leave you tonight with one of my all time favourite songs. It’s a lovely song. You should have a little listen:
So – I had a small wobbly moment yesterday but I’m alright again now. What can I say? Normal service has been resumed…..
When I woke up this morning I decided that I was going to spend the day a) by myself, b) in my own head and c) doing stuff I wanted to do. Here’s what I achieved:
I don’t know if its all better now or not. But I’m not too worried about it anymore because what will be will be.
The title of this post is a fairly adequate description of how I’ve been feeling for the last week or so. It’s also the title of an awesome song by one of my favourite bands – here it is if you fancy a listen:
Cool, eh?
I returned to work after SEVENTEEN whole days off today. The break was all great and awesome and stuff, but I started to feel a bit out of sorts and pointless because I was missing my routine and everybody knows how WeeGee loves a routine*
To be fair, it isn’t really me who needs the routine, it’s my broken brain** because in the absence of routine broken brain takes against me and does everything in its power to mix it all up again in the off chance that it might manage to convince me that things are so mixed up that jumping out the window is the BEST IDEA IN THE WORLD.
The upshot of all of this is that I had two days where I was a teeny tiny bit ‘woe is me’ which made me panic because I didn’t think I could do the whole ‘woe is me’ thing again but then I decided I was being foolish because there is a big difference between ‘woe is me’ and being a little bit down in the dumps because a) Christmas is all over with, b) you’ve been sitting around not doing much for a few days and c) you’re missing your friends from work. And then everything was okay again.
To be honest I think one of the most difficult things about getting better is adjusting to the ups and downs that a normal mood throws at you. Every time I feel a little bit sad, or a little bit confused, or a little bit lost (or a little bit whatever else) I over react because I think ‘here we go again’ when what I should really think is ‘how novel to have a fluctuating mood instead of the pointless empty one I used to have one hundred percent of the time’. I suppose I’ll get used to it in time…..
Food wise, I’m still doing well. In fact I’m doing really well. Christmas dinner didn’t fill me with the dread or self loathing or panic of previous years. In fact the only thing Christmas dinner filled me with this year was turkey and stuffing and brussel sprouts and other such festive foodstuffs. Better than that, I recently managed to EAT OUT IN PUBLIC WITH PEOPLE I HAD NEVER MET BEFORE. Get this – I didn’t just manage it once…. I only went and did it twice. Go me 🙂
As far as weight goes I think I’m getting somewhere. I’m fairly confident that my weight has levelled out at last and I can now go into almost any shop I want and find something that fits me (which is to say I’m normal enough to wear normal sizes which is pretty exciting, when you come to think about it) Every so often I wobble*** but only in a very minor manner and given some of the wobbles I’ve overcome so far I’m not going to worry myself about the minor things in life.
I suppose I could have summed up all of the above by saying ‘on a scale of one to mental I’m not very mental at all’ but I felt like setting it all out in black and white to remind myself how well I’m doing and how far I’ve come. I know that some of my readers are having a hard time with themselves at the moment, and I also know that they probably don’t think that it’ll ever get any better. The thing is, you have to keep on doing the right things, even when the right things don’t seem to be helping because eventually it will slot into place and the right things will lead you out the other side. To borrow a phrase from a much esteemed fellow blogger…… There is hope.
Meanwhile in other news I didn’t mention that I officially LOVE being back at work not least because I can blog in my (late) lunch hour. Nothing else to report today save that Mr Hilarious accidentally bought his daughter a psychotic hamster for her birthday and has some very impressive scars to prove it.
Cheerio for now
Lots of love from WeeGee xoxoxox
*Just in case you don’t, WeeGee loves a routine very much
**Yes – I do think of us as two separate entities. You’re allowed to do things like that when you’re mental
***Like when a pair of size six trousers are a bit tight for me. Which is ridiculous and I know it.
How do you eat an elephant? 