So. This morning we had the gloomy little post and this evening we get the WeeGee is a tearful desperate little mess post. I know I’m really tired and I have to take it all with a pinch of salt but I don’t know what to do. I’m frightened.
I did two years where there was nothing wrong except for my brain. I survived it and came out the other side but now my brain is fine and everything is wrong and I don’t know what to do with it all. This is one hell of a mess. I almost wish I’d never got better, and that I’d stayed in hiding because as miserable as I might have been there was still the hope of what getting better was going to be like. I didn’t think it was going to be like this.
All I ever wanted was the leave the chaos behind, to do the right thing, to find myself a safe little spot on planet earth. I never cared about being happy. I just wanted to be okay. This is ridiculous. Why can’t I just be okay?
When I was officially mental I always knew what I had to do. I had on doing the right thing, and dig myself out of the hole, and focus on being all awesome and stuff. I’m not mental anymore and there’s nothing I can do to dig myself out of the hole. How do you keep a roof over your head when you can barely afford to buy a cup of tea? How do you square up to the Worst Thing Ever Take Two when its all your fault anyway and no-one cared to start with because you were only ever just a body to them. And easily left behind.
This isn’t making sense, I know that. But I need to say it out loud. I need it all to go away because this is going to make me ill and I can’t be ill anymore. I don’t have the courage or strength to do it all again. I wish there was a magic wand but I know better than anybody that it’s all just staging, and misdirection and sleight of hand.
It sounds so dramatic, but this feels like where the story ends. Because where do you go from the end anyway. There’s nothing after the end.
I’m tired. I need a pinch of salt, and some sleep and maybe some Frank Turner. Somehow this will all be okay in the morning, right?
Love you all lots, like jelly tots. WeeGee xoxoxo