Tag: Blogging

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

The same jeans

Posted on by WeeGee

This post comes with rather a lot of warnings, the first being that it’s late at night and no-one ever really turns out their best work late at night. I’m also in the midst of the most ginormous wibbly wobbly wobble that I can remember in a long time, which isn’t going to make for easy reading.

Oh, and before you ask, this post has nothing to do with a pair of jeans unless of course we’re going to accept that WeeGee is having a ginormous wibbly wobbly wobble that she’s trying to pin on a pair of jeans even though the jeans have nothing to do with it. Welcome back to WeeGee land……

It all started a few weeks ago when it seemed that my life divided in two. On the one hand I had the whole ‘I’m doing well, it’ll all be fine’ thing going on – on the other it was all a bit ‘what the FUCK, this isn’t supposed to be happening and I’m not too sure what to do to make it right’. I suppose I should have spotted the problem coming down the tracks, but, you know, brains don’t really work like that, especially not alien brains. I’m not going to beat myself up about that.

Anyway – so there I was, wobbling about all over the place. On the one hand everything was fine, and on the other hand it really wasn’t but I was just about managing to ignore the crazy. And then the crazy started leaking out of my ears*

Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever been so crazy that the crazy leaked out of you ears. I mean, I hope not, because it SUCKS, but then again, at the very least, I’m hoping you’ll know what I’m talking about? For me, I guess, it was one of those moments when I was reminded that I’m not always going to be able to do this whole being alive thing by myself.

So, I did what it used to take me along time to do, and I asked for help.

In some ways I’m lucky. When I ask for help a whole support machine seems to swing in to place around me. But then again, that’s only because of where I’ve been, and what I’ve (somehow) managed to survive. But it’s there, and the most important thing I’ve discovered this week is that I can ask for it.

Tonight I’m feeling very quiet and frightened and, to be honest, a bit boo hoo. At the same time I’m proud because I’m trying to stop the worst of me from happening to myself. I’ve said so many times in my blog that dealing with crazy is about doing the right things even when they feel wrong. Now, I suppose, it’s time to put my money where my mouth is.

As for the jeans? Well they don’t matter at all, so I’m not going to talk about them other than to say that if clothes from the past no longer fit then the past is surely a healthy distance away.

Here’s a song to end on. It’s about jeans. Sorta:

I love you all lots like a million billion jelly tots xoxo

*I borrowed this phrase from a fellow crazy. I know she won’t mind.

Posted in Welcome to my world

Boo fucking hoo

Posted on by WeeGee

I’m just going to have to face up to it. You know that birthday post I’ve been promising? Well I’m afraid it isn’t going to happen. The birthday in itself was completely AWESOME, full of Mr Awesome Thing Number Five, and a sleepy little English town, and feeding baby penguins which shat in my shoe, and a visit from my parents and…… AWESOME birthday. The thing is, my birthday was a long time ago, and since then I’ve been feeling ALL OF THE FEELINGS and the recent past isn’t really something that I feel much like blogging about because I’m a bit lost in the here and now, which – let’s be honest – is a little better that being lost in the then and gone or the still to come and unknown. Am I sounding a little manic to you? I’m feeling a little turbo charged so I wouldn’t be surprised…..

I woke up this morning feeling a little bit disjointed, you know? Like my brain wasn’t attached to my body anymore. I used to get that all the time – that feeling that my brain was a completely separate entity from ‘me’. Experiencing it now, for the first time in a while, I’m struck by how little sense it makes. I’m inextricably connected to my brain so how come it sometimes feels so ‘other’ every once in a while? The answer used to be ALIEN but that feels a bit unsatisfactory today. I believe myself to be lots of things but I don’t really believe myself to be an alien. I mean, it would be convenient, and it would explain an awful lot but being an alien would surely throw up even more questions than answers so it can’t possibly be the answer. Then again maybe I need to work through all of the questions and maybe being an alien isn’t as daft as it first sounds.

Still a bit turbo charged but not exactly AWESOME here. Alien brain strikes again?

I know that I’m not AWESOME because I don’t want to talk to most people. I don’t mind talking to some people but when I’m AWESOME I want to talk to everybody and as far as I’m concerned everybody can fuck right off. I can’t figure myself out right now so other people are a HUGE step too far. World. Shut. Your. Mouth.

I’ve written this post as it comes to me – stream of consciousness style. I’m just glad Mr Clever doesn’t get to read what I have to say here because I fear I’d wind up in trouble…..
WeeGee is not a happy WeeGee. Not at all. The brain is all broken and I’m a little bit angry and a little bit STOP because I’ve had enough…… Time for a song:

Booooo.

Love you lots like lovely jelly tots xxx

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

Birthday blues

Posted on by WeeGee

Before I get to today’s update I have a couple of those points of order that pop up every so often to take care of…..

Point of order number one: I officially suck at reading blogs at the moment and I’m sorry about that. I love you all lots, and I miss you more, but my time is all filled up with grown up ‘need to do’ stuff and reading your blogs has fallen down towards the bottom of the pile. I promise I’ll be back shortly but in the meantime will you forgive me?

Point of order number two: Does everybody know that ‘How do you eat an elephant?’ has a Facebook page? No? Well it does. You can find it here:

https://www.facebook.com/HungryElephant

I’m one follower short of 30, and apparently when you get to 30 magic things start happening…… Go on – it will surely improve your life ☺

The End of the point of order section.

Since I last blogged I’ve been a busy little WeeGee. I’ve been getting myself all sorted out, and organised and back on track. I’ve also been having one of my (fairly extended) little thinks. After all, what would the WeeGee be without one of her little thinks?

In five days time I’m going to be having a birthday. Having a birthday shouldn’t be a big deal because everybody has one, like once a year and stuff, but it feels like a pretty big deal to me right now. I spent my last birthday hiding in my little hidey hole*, pacing about, and being TOTALLY MENTAL before doing myself a small mischief and presenting myself at A&E because I didn’t have anywhere else to go. It was whatever the opposite of tremendous fun is.

Birthdays bring out The Dreaded Jitters in me. I don’t really know why, except that maybe it’s the one day of the year when people seem to want you to be the centre of attention which actually only really means that they want you to be ‘happy’ even if you don’t feel much like being happy. Maybe I don’t like the ‘expectations’ that are associated with birthdays? Maybe I’ve had enough miserable birthdays to last me a lifetime? Maybe this is just WeeGee being an idiot and it’s about time she POKED HERSELF IN THE EYE?

If I shut out the anxiety** my upcoming birthday is looking pretty peachy. I’ve got a few days away with Mr Awesome Thing Number Five to look forward to. AND I’m going to spend a morning feeding some penguins***. AND mum and dad are coming to visit. AND I’m off work. AND I’ve got a very exciting new birthday handbag.

It’s all a bit ‘what’s not to like’ and I really wish I could shake this weird ‘I don’t like birthdays because they make me a bit mental’ thing. But hey – you know me and my brain. It doesn’t always make sense…..

Aside from all that WeeGee is doing pretty good. I’ve got a fantabulous ‘how far I’ve come’ post lined up for you but I’m going to take my time writing it because it’s an important one.

Meanwhile in other news here’s a lovely little Frank Turner song for you. I might have shared it before but what’s a bit of repetition amongst friends?

Nothing else to report today save that I love you all loads and loads like……. Roman roads???

WeeGee xoxox

*Rhio – TOTALLY tongue in cheek xoxox
** Just like that!
***Which is AS COOL AS PENGUINS

Posted in About today

How did this happen?

Posted on by WeeGee

Sometimes it’s really funny the way things turn out…. I’m currently dating a guy called Craig. Before that I dated a guy called Daniel. Before that I dated a guy who described himself as Daniel Craig’s body double*…. Weird huh?

Anyway – all of that aside, I figured it was time for a proper update. And by proper I mean not all BOO HOO or all AWESOME and just a bit matter of fact this is what’s going on in WeeGee land at the moment…..

Bottom line? Life is good and I can’t find a single thing to complain about** I went from ‘dating’ a lovely guy to being ‘in a relationship’ with a lovely guy which ought to be weird and scary but which is actually just natural and nice. You can spend years and years and years of your life dreading and avoiding something until one day the thing you were dreading and avoiding turns up and you are somehow glad that it did.

Hmmm. So the thing is that this time last year I was a bit mental. I was hiding, and jumping off tall things, and waiting for it all to be over. This time last year I wasn’t coping. As for now? Take that broken brain. I’m all better, and well, and IN YOUR FACE DEPRESSION. Oh and I seem to have remembered what the future feels like and it’s all cool….

I suppose the pertinent point at the moment is my upcoming birthday. What should I do? A big thing with all the people I know (scary), a medium thing with the important people (scary) a small thing with the old folks, or the new folks, or the wordpress folks. BUMS.

This isn’t the kind of song I usually share

Jelly tots xxxx

*To be fair, there is definitely a resemblance
**I could if I tried. But why try?

Posted in About today

Leap and a net will appear

Posted on by WeeGee

Okay folks. Here goes…..

First up the sun is shining and all is well here in WeeGee land. On which note I have a message for all the people who think it’s ‘too hot’: Shut your face and do one of the following:

• Take your shoes off and walk barefoot on grass
• Eat an ice cream
• Go to the seaside
• Get over it

Okay?

We’ve had a funny few weeks on ‘How do you eat an elephant?’ haven’t we? It’s all been a bit wobbly and Boo Hoo and why don’t we just go ahead and jump out the window. To be fair, I think I got a little bit lost in things that don’t matter – you know, like the future and stuff.

The last time I updated you I was feeling a bit scared and a bit hidey and a bit WHAT THE FUCK? I’ve settled down again now and I’m mostly thinking that old thing about the future starting here.
Let’s forget about all the weird shit I could worry about. I’m a happy and lucky little soul. And that’s going to do me……

Here’s a song…

#lovedup

Love you lots like jelly tots

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

Thus the sky has nothing to scatter but red….

Posted on by WeeGee

It’s pretty late. As in well past WeeGee’s bed time pretty late. The thing is my brain is not going to consent to going to sleep and I don’t have the energy to have that particular argument with myslef so I’m going to go right ahead and blog instead.

Hello! Welcome to my insomniac, wibbly wobbly wobbling post 🙂 I might as well tell you the short story because the long story is, well, long…..

So – I had a date. Third date actually with a total sweetie. And I had a lovely time. And that ought to be all you need to know. But then WeeGee did a WeeGee and pushed the infamous self sabotage button….

‘Dear Mr Awesome Thing Number Five,

Oh, you’re not thinking of running a mile? Let me behave like a weirdo until you do

Love, WeeGee’

Why can’t I just take nice and enjoy it? What on earth is the matter with me?

If I’m lost tonight, it’s only because I lost myself. And, as Mr Wise quite rightly pointed out – I seem to be doing this on purpose. How many more inappropriate guys am I going to fall in love with? Do I even want someone to care let alone love me? Do you like this song? It’s AWESOME:

Oh – and as for the title of my post? I went to the Science Museum on Saturday and a little person had drawn an awesome picture and explained some science that was beyond me and ended by pointing out that the sky had nothing else to scatter but red. I liked it.

Love you with all of my heart xoxoxo

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

Wibbly wobbly wobbling

Posted on by WeeGee

Before anybody mentions it:

• Yes, it’s ridiculous o’clock in the morning
• Yes, I’m awake
• Yes, I’ve been awake for hours
• Yes, I’ve tried going back to sleep
• No, I can’t get back to sleep
• ROAR

That clears up the background…..

How’s everybody been? Since last she popped up WeeGee has mostly been AWESOME with occasional outbreaks of wibbly wobbly wobbling. I do love the odd bout of wibbly wobbly wobbling, but only because it’s good fun to say.

By the way, before I forget, if you notice the odd missing ‘L’ in this post can you please be too polite to mention it because it’s not my fault that the ‘L’ key on my laptop is feeling a bit temperamental and is refusing to type every so often.

Anyway – back to the wibbly wobbly wobbling* well, it just seems to happen every so often. It would appear that when I’ve nothing to be wibbly or wobbly about I’ll ramble around my head until I find something to make me go a bit wibbly wobbly. And then I wobble about for a while until I remember that I’ve got nothing to be wibbly wobbly about and then everything is AWESOME again. All of this just to say:

WeeGee wobbles but she won’t fall down**

It was Mrs Mountain day yesterday. Now I only see her every other week I try to use the time as wisely as I can because, you know, a fortnight can be a long time on planet mental so you have to make sure Mrs Mountain has heard all about it.

This week we were trying to figure out how and when it became such a big deal for WeeGee to let people into her life – by which we really meant ‘what’s the problem with people you don’t know very well coming into your flat and why do you feel the need to do EVERYTHING and ANYTHING you possibly can to avoid it?’

On the face of it, I guess it seems quite straightforward. This is MY space, it’s where I hid during the wilderness years, it’s where I paced about thinking completely and utterly bonkers stuff, it’s where I got better, it’s where I figure stuff out. They say an English man’s home is his castle. I guess a Scottish girl’s home is her teeny tiny flat…..

I suppose there’s also the fact that I’m quite ‘particular’ about certain things, you know, like angles and stuff. Nothing just ‘is’ in my flat – it’s ‘placed’ and if I’ve placed something somewhere and somehow that’s exactly how I want it to stay. The thing with other people is they don’t know the rules and they mess stuff up and put stuff that doesn’t belong in my flat in places it doesn’t have any right to be. And that upsets my sensibilities. They are also liable to switch the big light in the kitchen on and for some reason that makes me want to punch them in the face. Hard.

Still, there’s more to it than that, because that’s all stuff I can think my way out of. What I can’t think myself out of is the ‘empty’ people leave behind when they go away. When I first started living alone I thought the ‘empty’ was going to consume me. I hated it. It made me want to jump off tall things. And then I got used to it. I filled the space up with things that matter to me – tokens, memories, pictures, thoughts. I forgot what empty felt like by focusing on the mementos and how important they were to me and convincing myself that there’s no such thing as alone.

So anyway. Suppose I got used to having someone around? Not all of the time, because that’s completely out of the question, but maybe some of the time? Maybe on occasional evenings? Or at the weekend? It might be alright. But. That someone would start to fill the space up with themselves wouldn’t they? And that also might be alright. But. What if, at some point in the future, they stopped being around? Would I have to spend my time running away from empty until I got used to it again? The thing is I really don’t think I want to do that because I’m not entirely convinced I can.

As always, you will see that I have more questions than answers. I’ll have to have one of my little thinks about it. I’ll probably do a bit of wibbly wobbly wobbling as well, but I guess in the end it’ll all be AWESOME.

Meanwhile in other news, after the adventures in the ‘nipple-tastic’ dress last week yesterday I opted for the ‘makes WeeGee looks like she might be preggers’ dress. As pointed out by Mr Hilarious (very loudly). Nothing else to report today save that WeeGee very definitely doesn’t have a bun in the oven, and she’s never wearing that particular dress again.

Love you all lots and lots like polka dots***

WeeGee xoxoxox

P.S. Did I miss any Ls out?

*Have you tried saying it yet? Oh go on, I promise it’ll make you smile
**Like a weeble!
***I LOVE polka dots

Posted in About today

Topsy turvy, wobble wobble

Posted on by WeeGee

Well. It’s all been a bit topsy turvey, wobble wobble, WeeGee has a little think of late hasn’t it? Thanks for sticking by me and for putting up with me – I really appreciate that.

There’s been a lot going on, and I’ve kinda been skirting around it on my blog. I figured I might as well do a bit of a fill in the gaps post so that you all know where I’m at and so that I’ve taken the time to explain it all. It’s either that or do the whole ostrich routine. Which is boring……

I’m wobbling because I can’t control what’s going to happen and if ever anything is going to make me wobble it’s not being in charge of the future. A while ago, I decided I needed a break from dating because, you know, there was some thinking to do, and lessons to learn. And then Mr Awesome Thing Number Five turned up. Which wasn’t supposed to happen and which challenged the whole take a break thing.

So – why did I want to take a dating break?:

• Because I’m still, however well I’m doing, mental
• Because I actually like being alone
• Because I keep (quite deliberately) hooking up with inappropriate blokes – which proves the last two points
• Because everything ends and I can’t stand endings

Why don’t I want to take a break anymore?:

• Mental isn’t the end of the world
• Being alone isn’t exclusive to spending time with people
• Mr Awesome Thing Number Five isn’t inappropriate in anyway
• You have to do the thing before you get to the ending…..

Hmmm.

I guess I just have to wait and see don’t I?

Whilst we’re sort of on the subject I want to wrap Mr X up. He feels a long time ago, and I know he was inappropriate. If you ‘separate’ from your spouse but find yourself living with said spouse seven months later then you are clearly not ready to date. I knew that at the time, in my head at least. I’m not sad that things didn’t work out between Mr X and I, because they were never going to. I’m just sad I lost a friend, and I don’t really understand why meeting up for a cup of tea is so unspeakably impossible. Then again, as Mr Wise pointed out – that’s a useful lesson in how other people don’t always behave like WeeGee.

But back to Mr Awesome Thing Number Five. Well he’s sweet. And he’s lovely. And I think he’s going to tell me the truth.

And I’m terrified.

But I’m not going to hide.

Love you all lots and lots. Like jelly tots and tots.

Posted in About today

I want to be alone

Posted on by WeeGee

You might have noticed that I’ve been a little bit wobbly of late. I could say that I don’t know why I’m wobbly but if I said that it would be a lie and I’m not much of a one for that. You might also have noticed that it’s THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. Well yeah, I’m not sleeping well on account of being a little bit wobbly and stuff like that……

I can’t pretend. I’m kind of, sort of, and mostly hiding in my little hidey hole. I like it here. It’s all easy, and safe, and no-one can get in. And my god, I wish it was that easy. Turns out that you can’t keep the world out by pretending it isn’t happening. That’s the thing about the world. It doesn’t stop. Not even when you want it to……

So – I met this guy. In an accidental fashion, as is always the way. And he’s sweet. And he’s lovely. And he’s funny. And he’s clever. And he’s already verging on too good to be true. And I keep thinking, as is my way, that I don’t deserve this. He’s a special person and special people always leave.
I’m kind of annoyed with myself because I know it didn’t ought to matter, and I know that this is my downfall. But what if, just for once in my life, I’m right? What if I stumbled across that special person who wants to live in my heart? Even for a little while?

But then I remember that I’m wrong.

I spent a long time wishing I wasn’t alone. And then I got used to it.

Posted in Recovery?

Ships with holes will sink

Posted on by WeeGee

The first thing to say about today’s post is that it’s completely unrelated to the title. ‘Ships with holes will sink’ is the name of a song I’ve been listening to a lot recently, mainly because it seems to neatly sum up that thing I refer to as ‘the story of my life’. Needless to say it isn’t exactly cheerful, and I don’t suppose it’ll be everybody’s cup of tea but we might as well have a listen to get us started:

Count your lucky stars you got the acoustic version because the album track would have given you a sense of what it sometimes sounds like inside my head and it isn’t exactly easy listening……

Anyway – since last I blogged I’ve been doing what I’ve always been doing since last I blogged: having a nice little think. Sometimes I wonder if I might be the most thoughtful person on the planet but then I remember my blogging buddies and realise that I’m one of an elite few alien-people from planet mental. It makes a difference, doesn’t it? Knowing you’re not alone?

There was a point over the weekend when I felt like I was completely and utterly alone AND on the wrong planet. There were nasty little thoughts swimming around in my head and I was starting to feel something I hadn’t felt for a little while – hopeless. And then I thought something very important. I thought what would Mrs Mountain suggest? It turns out that you don’t have to see Mrs Mountain every week to get the benefit of her wisdom. I think that might be what you call progress.

I suppose all happened was that somebody got under WeeGee’s skin because they said something that seemed to prove all the terrible things that WeeGee thinks about her worthless self and her ugly black heart. The point I think is that the words said nothing whatsoever about WeeGee and awful lot about the person who said them. I’m so busy trying to see the good in people, and looking for a way to forgive them that I forget to remember that sometimes people say and do shitty things and it’s okay to be disappointed. You don’t have to turn it all back on yourself. More progress, I guess.

I’ve been thinking a lot about these claims I make about being ‘shy’ because Mr Trendy said that I’m probably the least shy person he knows. The point, I think, is that he’s right. I’m not shy at all. It’s just that shy is a handy thing to fall back on when people scare you, and when you want to hide, and when you want to avoid the start because you can’t bear the ending. I’ve never really thought of it that way before, but it seems like an important way to think about it.

The headline today, I guess, is that WeeGee is hanging on to her sense of self even though it’s easily shaken and that she’s still managing to learn brand new things about the way she operates out there in the world. You can’t say fairer than that.

Meanwhile in other news I’m a little bit fed up because it turns out that one of the initial side effects of light therapy is that your skin gets REALLY sore. Nothing else to report save that one of the other initial side effects of light therapy is getting a rather nice, Mediterranean looking tan. Swings and round abouts and all that……

Cheery bye, sweetie pies. WeeGee xoxoxoxoxo