Posted in Welcome to my world

The opposite of a jolly post

Every so often I’m left wondering what gets in to me. Here I am, to all intents and purposes happy yet still I can’t quite shake off the feeling that something’s wrong. I don’t actually know what’s wrong. All I know is that in my heart, or in my head, it just isn’t right. I can’t help thinking that this is as good as it gets for an alien on planet earth – that no matter how good it gets, or what you’ve got going for you, the bit that’s broken always rises to the surface to mess things up…..

I find myself in hiding mode. I feel like I want to sit here until I figure it all out which would be fine if I knew what ‘it all’ actually was. So instead of figuring it all out I’m flitting about from one website to another, and googling random stuff to keep my brain occupied, and pacing, and staring, and trying my very best not to cry. I can’t cry because I know that as soon as I start there will be a very real and present danger that I’ll never be able to stop crying again.

This is a jolly little post, isn’t it.

The worst of it, I think, is that this is coming from nowhere. Nothing is one thing, but nothing creeping up on you not just when you least expect it but when you positively don’t expect it? Well that just well and truly sucks.

I should get up. I should shower and leave the house. I should eat something. I should phone a friend. I should PULL MYSELF TOGETHER. I should give myself a break, and a bit of peace and quiet, and I should poke myself in the eye to see if that gets me going. I should do a million and one things but I don’t think I’m going to do any of them.

Maybe I’m just feeling sorry for myself. Or maybe this is the reality of broken brain. For all the meds, and the talking, and the self soothing, and the people who just want you well this is all there really is. Nothing. And nothing will come of nothing. For all the times you think you’re better nothing is still hiding in your brain. It’ll always come back and you won’t know how long it’s going to stick around for.

But hey: Upwards and onwards. Keep on keeping on. Do the right thing. All things must pass.

Tomorrow always comes.

Lots of love from WeeGee xoxoxo

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

Wibbly wobbly wobbling

Before anybody mentions it:

• Yes, it’s ridiculous o’clock in the morning
• Yes, I’m awake
• Yes, I’ve been awake for hours
• Yes, I’ve tried going back to sleep
• No, I can’t get back to sleep
• ROAR

That clears up the background…..

How’s everybody been? Since last she popped up WeeGee has mostly been AWESOME with occasional outbreaks of wibbly wobbly wobbling. I do love the odd bout of wibbly wobbly wobbling, but only because it’s good fun to say.

By the way, before I forget, if you notice the odd missing ‘L’ in this post can you please be too polite to mention it because it’s not my fault that the ‘L’ key on my laptop is feeling a bit temperamental and is refusing to type every so often.

Anyway – back to the wibbly wobbly wobbling* well, it just seems to happen every so often. It would appear that when I’ve nothing to be wibbly or wobbly about I’ll ramble around my head until I find something to make me go a bit wibbly wobbly. And then I wobble about for a while until I remember that I’ve got nothing to be wibbly wobbly about and then everything is AWESOME again. All of this just to say:

WeeGee wobbles but she won’t fall down**

It was Mrs Mountain day yesterday. Now I only see her every other week I try to use the time as wisely as I can because, you know, a fortnight can be a long time on planet mental so you have to make sure Mrs Mountain has heard all about it.

This week we were trying to figure out how and when it became such a big deal for WeeGee to let people into her life – by which we really meant ‘what’s the problem with people you don’t know very well coming into your flat and why do you feel the need to do EVERYTHING and ANYTHING you possibly can to avoid it?’

On the face of it, I guess it seems quite straightforward. This is MY space, it’s where I hid during the wilderness years, it’s where I paced about thinking completely and utterly bonkers stuff, it’s where I got better, it’s where I figure stuff out. They say an English man’s home is his castle. I guess a Scottish girl’s home is her teeny tiny flat…..

I suppose there’s also the fact that I’m quite ‘particular’ about certain things, you know, like angles and stuff. Nothing just ‘is’ in my flat – it’s ‘placed’ and if I’ve placed something somewhere and somehow that’s exactly how I want it to stay. The thing with other people is they don’t know the rules and they mess stuff up and put stuff that doesn’t belong in my flat in places it doesn’t have any right to be. And that upsets my sensibilities. They are also liable to switch the big light in the kitchen on and for some reason that makes me want to punch them in the face. Hard.

Still, there’s more to it than that, because that’s all stuff I can think my way out of. What I can’t think myself out of is the ‘empty’ people leave behind when they go away. When I first started living alone I thought the ‘empty’ was going to consume me. I hated it. It made me want to jump off tall things. And then I got used to it. I filled the space up with things that matter to me – tokens, memories, pictures, thoughts. I forgot what empty felt like by focusing on the mementos and how important they were to me and convincing myself that there’s no such thing as alone.

So anyway. Suppose I got used to having someone around? Not all of the time, because that’s completely out of the question, but maybe some of the time? Maybe on occasional evenings? Or at the weekend? It might be alright. But. That someone would start to fill the space up with themselves wouldn’t they? And that also might be alright. But. What if, at some point in the future, they stopped being around? Would I have to spend my time running away from empty until I got used to it again? The thing is I really don’t think I want to do that because I’m not entirely convinced I can.

As always, you will see that I have more questions than answers. I’ll have to have one of my little thinks about it. I’ll probably do a bit of wibbly wobbly wobbling as well, but I guess in the end it’ll all be AWESOME.

Meanwhile in other news, after the adventures in the ‘nipple-tastic’ dress last week yesterday I opted for the ‘makes WeeGee looks like she might be preggers’ dress. As pointed out by Mr Hilarious (very loudly). Nothing else to report today save that WeeGee very definitely doesn’t have a bun in the oven, and she’s never wearing that particular dress again.

Love you all lots and lots like polka dots***

WeeGee xoxoxox

P.S. Did I miss any Ls out?

*Have you tried saying it yet? Oh go on, I promise it’ll make you smile
**Like a weeble!
***I LOVE polka dots

Posted in About today

Topsy turvy, wobble wobble

Well. It’s all been a bit topsy turvey, wobble wobble, WeeGee has a little think of late hasn’t it? Thanks for sticking by me and for putting up with me – I really appreciate that.

There’s been a lot going on, and I’ve kinda been skirting around it on my blog. I figured I might as well do a bit of a fill in the gaps post so that you all know where I’m at and so that I’ve taken the time to explain it all. It’s either that or do the whole ostrich routine. Which is boring……

I’m wobbling because I can’t control what’s going to happen and if ever anything is going to make me wobble it’s not being in charge of the future. A while ago, I decided I needed a break from dating because, you know, there was some thinking to do, and lessons to learn. And then Mr Awesome Thing Number Five turned up. Which wasn’t supposed to happen and which challenged the whole take a break thing.

So – why did I want to take a dating break?:

• Because I’m still, however well I’m doing, mental
• Because I actually like being alone
• Because I keep (quite deliberately) hooking up with inappropriate blokes – which proves the last two points
• Because everything ends and I can’t stand endings

Why don’t I want to take a break anymore?:

• Mental isn’t the end of the world
• Being alone isn’t exclusive to spending time with people
• Mr Awesome Thing Number Five isn’t inappropriate in anyway
• You have to do the thing before you get to the ending…..

Hmmm.

I guess I just have to wait and see don’t I?

Whilst we’re sort of on the subject I want to wrap Mr X up. He feels a long time ago, and I know he was inappropriate. If you ‘separate’ from your spouse but find yourself living with said spouse seven months later then you are clearly not ready to date. I knew that at the time, in my head at least. I’m not sad that things didn’t work out between Mr X and I, because they were never going to. I’m just sad I lost a friend, and I don’t really understand why meeting up for a cup of tea is so unspeakably impossible. Then again, as Mr Wise pointed out – that’s a useful lesson in how other people don’t always behave like WeeGee.

But back to Mr Awesome Thing Number Five. Well he’s sweet. And he’s lovely. And I think he’s going to tell me the truth.

And I’m terrified.

But I’m not going to hide.

Love you all lots and lots. Like jelly tots and tots.

Posted in About today

Stone

I figured it was about time I did a bit of an update from WeeGee land because it’s been a while. It’s not so much that I’ve been putting it off it’s just that I haven’t really known where to start…..

I wonder where I should start?

So. On a scale of one to mental, I don’t think I’m mental at all. Which is good. At the same time, I’m not convinced that I’m entirely myself. From the outside looking in it must seem that I am because I’m doing a good job of pretending to be me – all jaunty and hilarious and AWESOME. But something isn’t quite right. In fact it feels a lot like my big swollen heart got swapped out for a stone. How on earth do you go about finding your heart again?

I’m not used to being so distant and separate from the people I care about. I’m not sure I like it, but I keep coming back to the notion that the harder your heart is the less you get hurt. Maybe I’m doing this on purpose. Maybe shutting the whole world out is perfectly rational in light of everything? I don’t know…..

I’ve a lot to be sad about right now. I need to remember that and accept that sad is okay sometimes. I’ve also got a few things to care about. I need to remember that as as well and accept that one of these days caring is going to have a happy ending. Whatever that might be.

In summary? I’m a bit mixed up but holding on tight.

Love you all lots and lots xoxoxoxoxox

Posted in About today

Here we to again

Today I have mostly been staying at home taking care of myself because the past few days have been pretty rotten and when things get rotten WeeGee forgets to take care of herself. I was all up and ready to go when I remembered one of the important lessons I learned during the last bad patch: sometimes you have to stop until you’re ready to start again. Today is about getting myself back on the starting blocks before everything gets out of hand.

Taking care of yourself is quite easy. It’s about being kind to yourself, and letting yourself relax, and reminding yourself that wherever you happen to be is exactly where the future starts because the thing about the future is that it just keeps on coming at you. That there is another one of those valuable lessons that I’ve learned along the way.

Whilst we’re on the subject of lessons I might as well remind myself of this one: if you find yourself vulnerable, and tired, and a little bit hormonal to boot you ABSOLUTELY MUST eat because if you add starving to vulnerable, tired and a little bit hormonal you end up with the perfect storm on your hands and you start behaving like a proper nutter.

I spoke to Mrs Mountain earlier because it felt like the right thing to do even though we’ve got an appointment tomorrow. As always she was wise, and kind and patient and she reminded me that I don’t have to figure it all out by myself, and that maybe this isn’t really about the things I’m making it about and that I’ve been okay before which means it is an absolute certainty that I’m going to be okay again. She also reminded me that receiving a mahoosive gas bill isn’t really the kind of thing that ought to drive you to almost jump out of the window because it’s only money and money is the thing that matters least in life and if you jump out the window all the things that really matter disappear as well.

Anyway I’m on a bit of a mission today – I’ve got lists to write, and things to face up to, and help to ask for. Above all else I’ve got music to listen to, and a cat to cuddle and an awful lot AWESOME stuff to look forward to. I keep thinking about bouncebackability and remembering the WeeGee is like a weeble because it doesn’t matter how much she wobbles she never ever falls down.

Meanwhile in other news Gryff has been a super little cat so far today. Every time I sit down he takes it upon himself to sit with me purring in that simple contented fashion that cats do – it’s as though he’s trying to pass on some of his contentedness to me, and I think it might be working. Nothing else to report today save it’s upwards and onwards once more……

Loads and loads of love, and a bit of Gryff’s contentedness, WeeGee xoxoxox

Posted in Recovery?

Out of routine

The title of this post is a fairly adequate description of how I’ve been feeling for the last week or so. It’s also the title of an awesome song by one of my favourite bands – here it is if you fancy a listen:

Cool, eh?

I returned to work after SEVENTEEN whole days off today. The break was all great and awesome and stuff, but I started to feel a bit out of sorts and pointless because I was missing my routine and everybody knows how WeeGee loves a routine*

To be fair, it isn’t really me who needs the routine, it’s my broken brain** because in the absence of routine broken brain takes against me and does everything in its power to mix it all up again in the off chance that it might manage to convince me that things are so mixed up that jumping out the window is the BEST IDEA IN THE WORLD.

The upshot of all of this is that I had two days where I was a teeny tiny bit ‘woe is me’ which made me panic because I didn’t think I could do the whole ‘woe is me’ thing again but then I decided I was being foolish because there is a big difference between ‘woe is me’ and being a little bit down in the dumps because a) Christmas is all over with, b) you’ve been sitting around not doing much for a few days and c) you’re missing your friends from work. And then everything was okay again.

To be honest I think one of the most difficult things about getting better is adjusting to the ups and downs that a normal mood throws at you. Every time I feel a little bit sad, or a little bit confused, or a little bit lost (or a little bit whatever else) I over react because I think ‘here we go again’ when what I should really think is ‘how novel to have a fluctuating mood instead of the pointless empty one I used to have one hundred percent of the time’. I suppose I’ll get used to it in time…..

Food wise, I’m still doing well. In fact I’m doing really well. Christmas dinner didn’t fill me with the dread or self loathing or panic of previous years. In fact the only thing Christmas dinner filled me with this year was turkey and stuffing and brussel sprouts and other such festive foodstuffs. Better than that, I recently managed to EAT OUT IN PUBLIC WITH PEOPLE I HAD NEVER MET BEFORE. Get this – I didn’t just manage it once…. I only went and did it twice. Go me 🙂

As far as weight goes I think I’m getting somewhere. I’m fairly confident that my weight has levelled out at last and I can now go into almost any shop I want and find something that fits me (which is to say I’m normal enough to wear normal sizes which is pretty exciting, when you come to think about it) Every so often I wobble*** but only in a very minor manner and given some of the wobbles I’ve overcome so far I’m not going to worry myself about the minor things in life.

I suppose I could have summed up all of the above by saying ‘on a scale of one to mental I’m not very mental at all’ but I felt like setting it all out in black and white to remind myself how well I’m doing and how far I’ve come. I know that some of my readers are having a hard time with themselves at the moment, and I also know that they probably don’t think that it’ll ever get any better. The thing is, you have to keep on doing the right things, even when the right things don’t seem to be helping because eventually it will slot into place and the right things will lead you out the other side. To borrow a phrase from a much esteemed fellow blogger…… There is hope.

Meanwhile in other news I didn’t mention that I officially LOVE being back at work not least because I can blog in my (late) lunch hour. Nothing else to report today save that Mr Hilarious accidentally bought his daughter a psychotic hamster for her birthday and has some very impressive scars to prove it.

Cheerio for now

Lots of love from WeeGee xoxoxox

*Just in case you don’t, WeeGee loves a routine very much

**Yes – I do think of us as two separate entities. You’re allowed to do things like that when you’re mental

***Like when a pair of size six trousers are a bit tight for me. Which is ridiculous and I know it.

Posted in About today

A steadier ship

Here’s a warning for you…. You don’t have to listen to The Gaslight Anthem for very long before you find yourself accidentally listening to Bruce Springsteen wondering when you got old enough to listen to Bruce Springsteen. Here’s The Boss singing a song which is even more gorgeous when he sings it even if Patti Smith is one of the coolest people on the planet:

I am pleased to report that I’m over my wobble and I’m not feeling sad anymore – told you the ship would steady itself! I’ve admitted defeat with the whole food thing and went to my GP* to get a referral to a nutritionist because I might not be able to do this by myself and it’s very important that I manage to do it. Mr Wise reminded me that the last time I started getting over a serious case of the flat and empties I went a bit weird about food which is useful to know because if you know the patterns you can head them off at the pass. I’ve lost a considerable amount of weight in a not very considerable amount of time and I’ve dipped back into red on the chart** so there’s a lot of work to be done. But it’s okay, because I’m going to do the work and I’ve promised that I’ll get myself to the supermarket after work to do a hilarious ‘I can eat all this stuff without getting fat’ shop which is an excellent start even if I do say so myself. Pass the peanut butter….

It’s been a while since I did an online dating update, mainly because I’ve been doing some thinking and making a few little promises to myself about attachments and boundaries and now I’ve figured all that stuff out I’m all happy and excited about the whole idea again. I’m currently in touch with two interesting guys – Mr Magic and Mr Grammar Geek. Mr Magic is a magician*** who is a) very kind, b) very wise and c) not very likely to be afraid to argue with WeeGee. Mr Grammar Geek is an academic who a) is absolutely on the same page as WeeGee when it comes to intelligence, b) can out geek WeeGee on the grammar front**** and c) talks a very good cup of tea. There was a Mr Cheeky but he got a bit spooked when he realised I was mental***** and there’s a Mr Brevity who is definitely not very brief and is almost certainly interesting if perhaps a little intense so the jury is still out. Anyway – I’m going on a date with Mr Magic on Sunday which will be good fun and I’m fairly confident that I won’t come over all shy in the company of someone I can speak to on the phone for TWO hours without even thinking about it. I’m also going to meet up with Mr Grammar Geek next week and I just know that we are going to have a perfect cup of tea because neither of us would have it any other way and if it all goes horribly wrong there’s always the split infinitive to fall back on.

Here are a few more of those WeeGee observations from Match.Com

  • If you tell WeeGee your favourite film is Last Tango in Paris and she ignores you there’s no point repeating the fact because WeeGee isn’t an idiot and is ignoring you on purpose
  • If the only photo you have of yourself looks like it was taken when you were talking to your lawyer on the phone through a wire grill WeeGee will conclude that it probably was and give you a wide berth
  • 80’s music is cool and everything but if it’s the ONLY thing you listen to you aren’t really a music lover are you?

Meanwhile in other news it is officially winter because WeeGee has had to dig out the winter wardrobe. Nothing else to report today save that I said something unpleasant to The Man Who Knows under my breath but didn’t say it quietly enough and found myself on the back foot trying to think of  something that rhymed with f**k……

Loadsa love from WeeGee xxxxx

*I didn’t ever manage two visits in one week when I was PROPER mental

**But only just

***I’ve asked – he can’t magic us all better

****To be fair, I reckon he could out geek me on almost everything apart from maybe Monk

*****Which is fair enough, because it’s not for everyone is it?

Posted in About today

Great Expectations (In which WeeGee would quite like a hug)

I’m blogging from work even though it isn’t my lunch hour which isn’t like me at all. To cut a long story short I’m bored of what I’m doing* and Mr Hilarious isn’t around to distract me. It has occurred to me that I don’t like work nearly so much when Mr Hilarious isn’t around because a) it isn’t particularly hilarious without him b) Dan** is STILL going on about star wars Lego and Mr Hilarious is the only person who knows what to say to him about it and c) I could really rather do with a huge hug and someone not telling me ‘I told you so’ right about now.

Dear Mr Hilarious, Can you hurry up back from Reading because Mrs Bossy just said ‘Hang on a minute I’ll ask a young person…… WeeGee: What’s a DM – is it a DMail?’ and nobody thought it was funny. Lots and lots of love from WeeGee xxx P.S – please may I have a hug? Xx

Work is double rubbish and boring today because The Man Who Knows*** is hot desking in my office and he won’t stop boring on about all the stuff he claims to know but clearly doesn’t. If he doesn’t shut up soon I’m going to poke him in the eye, and then I’m going to poke him in the other one. And then I’m going to accidentally push him out the window – I’ve already opened it in preparation…..

Anyhow – I’m not posting to ramble on about work. I’m posting to let you know that WeeGee might finally have got to the bottom of all this ‘caring too much’ stuff because I did it, and now I’m feeling a little bruised and that’s exactly what everybody says happens when you care too much. I think I need to go back to the drawing board with ‘attachment’ and ‘boundary issues’ because I think I’m a little more wonky than I thought I was. The astute amongst you might have figured out that I’m talking about Mr Smiley. What can I say? Nothing actually because that’s all I’m prepared to say about that. I think I also need to go back to the ‘REALLY BAD SWEARWORD’S SAKE WEEGEE: WHAT IS IT WITH THIS WHOLE SHY NERVY THING?’ drawing board too, and as I’m still talking about Mr Smiley I guess that wasn’t all I was prepared to say but I’m definitely done with what I had to say now.

Moving swiftly on, I had my counselling session this morning. Mrs Mountain is also of the opinion that I’m doing well which is pretty cool. At the same time I think Mrs Mountain is also a bit more cautious than Mr Clever – I guess because she gets to see into my heart as well as my head which actually makes a lot of sense to me because it doesn’t matter how much better I get I’m probably always going to wear my heart on my sleeve and maybe I’m still not as good at taking care of it as I ought to be. I think that might be another drawing board actually!

I suppose the headline today is that I’m probably not okay, but that’s okay.. I have no intention of letting the mentals bite so I’m listening to the Gaslight Anthem**** and bouncing around seeing if I can raise a smile anywhere about the place***** and pretending that I don’t care.

Meanwhile in other news I was rather amused by the girl in the shop who asked whether she had to pay because there was ‘no money in the cash point and she didn’t want to use her card’******. Nothing else to report today save that how can somebody who sounds like this not be the most famous person on the planet?

Lots and lots of love WeeGee xoxoxox

PS Please may I have a hug?

*Which is basically little more than making a spreadsheet look pretty

**His real name because the only thing I could think of to call him was ‘Mr I’m so much of a geeky cliche that it actually hurts’ and that seemed a bit long for the purposes of this blog

***Have you met The Man Who Knows yet? He thinks he knows everything about everything but he doesn’t and I HATE HIM WITH A VENGENCE

****But not the acoustic version of Great Expectations because it makes me cry at the best of times*******

*****With some success I am pleased to report

******Of course I watched on with interest because if she’d got away with it I would have given it a go myself. Alas – Mr Shopkeeper Man was having none of it

*******And then I went and listened to it anyway

Posted in About today

Monday update

From time to time, there are things in my head that I know I will never mention anywhere, not even on my blog. Some of those things are swimming around in my head at the moment, so writing today’s instalment might prove a little more challenging than is usually the case……

I promised some of my readers a little bit of an update following yesterday’s meet-up with Mr Smiley. Well – I had a really rather lovely time and thinking about it now I’ve realised that it’s actually a very long time since I last had a lovely time. I quite like having a really rather lovely time by the way. Mr Smiley is ace: lovely and smiley and the kind of guy you are ALWAYS pleased to see* He’s also the kind of guy that brings someone he has never met a really thoughtful gift back from his holiday. Oh and he’s excellent at hugs – and everybody knows how much WeeGee loves hugs. I was a bit disappointed that I kept coming over all shy, but I don’t think it’s going to be a huge problem because Mr Smiley seems to be the kind of guy** who will be patient enough to wait for me to come out of my shell, and I know that I always do in the end. Anyhow – we’re meeting again on Wednesday evening, so I obviously didn’t scare him off completely…..

My mood today is so strange that I don’t actually know how to record it on the mood chart. On the one hand I’m happy and bouncy and absolutely fine and on the other hand my broken brain is going ‘Oi WeeGeee – I’m still here’ It’s broken brain that’s coming up with the stuff I will never mention, and it’s also throwing in the more usual peripheral nonsense for good measure. I’ve decided to ignore broken brain for today because I’m tired, it’s cold and rainy, and because things probably feel a bit heavier today on account of the fact that they didn’t feel heavy at all yesterday.

On a positive note, I decided that I needed to talk to my line manager about my workload. It was starting to get a bit out of hand and I’m determined not to get overwhelmed at work again, especially when other things in my life are going so well. We agreed that my workload was slightly ridiculous and then made a little plan to farm some of it out to the managers with lighter loads than me. The good news is that I’ve lost the boring network tender/procurement project*** and kept hold of my shiny SharePoint one. I also remembered to ‘shout up’ when the going got tough so I feel like I’m still managing to take care of myself and put my health before everything else.

Meanwhile in other news I had to stand outside in the rain for a whole hour for a fire drill at lunchtime which I did not enjoy because a) it was freezing cold b)I was in a meeting when the alarm sounded and none of my colleagues thought to bring my coat down for me**** and c) it meant that I didn’t get a lunch break until 3.30pm. Nothing else to report save that I am delighted that my alien brain twin Carrie from Hello Sailor has returned to the WordPress fold because I’ve missed her.

Lots of love and a small touch of the flat and empties, WeeGee xxxxxxx

PS I’m sorry the title is a bit lame but I couldn’t think of anything else!

*Unless he’d done something REALLY BAD but even then you probably wouldn’t stay angry for long

**He seems to be quite a lot of ‘kind of guys’

***Because it has NOTHING to do with my job anyway and I was only doing it as a favour

****If people are out of the office when the fire alarm goes off I ALWAYS remember to take their coats down. B******s

Posted in About today

The hardest word

First of all I CANNOT BELIEVE that I have used an Elton John reference as the title of a post on How do you eat an elephant? It’s okay though, you can rest assured that you shall find no YouTube clip below……

I recently had cause to apologise to somebody because something I did hurt their feelings. I didn’t mean to hurt their feelings and I didn’t like doing it at all but I have learned that sometimes hurting people is inevitable. The thing about feelings is that they change and sometimes they change in ways that other people didn’t want them to and that, I guess, is when people start getting hurt. Anyway – I hurt somebody’s feelings and tried my best to tell them how sorry I was but they didn’t want to hear about how sorry I was and that made me sad. It also made me realise that ‘sorry’ isn’t the hardest word of all because the hardest word for a lot of people seems to be ‘forgive’ I spend a fair bit of my time thinking about forgiveness. Mr Wise thinks I forgive too easily and it gets me into trouble – maybe he’s right but to me forgiving people too easily is a bit like ‘being too kind’. I’m not entirely convinced that it’s a problem.

I should mention that I’m having a really rotten time of it at work at the moment. There’s a lot of ‘stuff’ going on and bombs keep exploding and everybody is so scared of Mrs Scary New Boss Lady that they’re convinced they’re going to get the sack every time a bomb goes off. Yesterday’s bomb had my name written all over it, which was unfortunate, because I was also partly responsible for Monday’s bit of a disaster. I appear not to have received my P45 today which is a good thing but it’s still slightly stressful. Whilst I’m on the subject I’ve got a top tip for you:

WeeGee’s tip of the day: If somebody tells you they have definitely done something that you suspect they might not have done…. Don’t take their word for it.

I’m beginning to wonder if I went back to work too soon. I suppose there is the argument that I’m just taking on too much at work, but I don’t have much of a say in my workload (owing to Mrs Scary New Boss Lady). This makes me think that the job I’m doing is not the right job for me which makes me very sad indeed because when it’s not all stressful and explosive I love my job and the people I work with. It also makes me scared because I’m not sure what I would actually do if I stopped doing what I do at the moment.

Anyway, today is rubbish because I feel guilty and work is stressful and because I’ve got a hole in my shoe. However, I am very definitely hanging on in there because life is good and  I have things to look forward to and  tomorrow will come around. And because I won’t always have a hole in my shoe…..

Lots of love from WeeGee xxxx