Every so often I’m left wondering what gets in to me. Here I am, to all intents and purposes happy yet still I can’t quite shake off the feeling that something’s wrong. I don’t actually know what’s wrong. All I know is that in my heart, or in my head, it just isn’t right. I can’t help thinking that this is as good as it gets for an alien on planet earth – that no matter how good it gets, or what you’ve got going for you, the bit that’s broken always rises to the surface to mess things up…..
I find myself in hiding mode. I feel like I want to sit here until I figure it all out which would be fine if I knew what ‘it all’ actually was. So instead of figuring it all out I’m flitting about from one website to another, and googling random stuff to keep my brain occupied, and pacing, and staring, and trying my very best not to cry. I can’t cry because I know that as soon as I start there will be a very real and present danger that I’ll never be able to stop crying again.
This is a jolly little post, isn’t it.
The worst of it, I think, is that this is coming from nowhere. Nothing is one thing, but nothing creeping up on you not just when you least expect it but when you positively don’t expect it? Well that just well and truly sucks.
I should get up. I should shower and leave the house. I should eat something. I should phone a friend. I should PULL MYSELF TOGETHER. I should give myself a break, and a bit of peace and quiet, and I should poke myself in the eye to see if that gets me going. I should do a million and one things but I don’t think I’m going to do any of them.
Maybe I’m just feeling sorry for myself. Or maybe this is the reality of broken brain. For all the meds, and the talking, and the self soothing, and the people who just want you well this is all there really is. Nothing. And nothing will come of nothing. For all the times you think you’re better nothing is still hiding in your brain. It’ll always come back and you won’t know how long it’s going to stick around for.
But hey: Upwards and onwards. Keep on keeping on. Do the right thing. All things must pass.
Tomorrow always comes.
Lots of love from WeeGee xoxoxo
16 thoughts on “The opposite of a jolly post”
Hi, WeeGee. I am sorry to hear that you have it this dull spot — I spend time there myself, and I believe writing about it is the best thing to do. Good for you for being unafraid. Kudos!
And then of course there is the simple fact of the calendar … birthdays and anniversaries and holidays often rock the boat (wobble the head), don’t they? Doesn’t mean you are doing anything ‘wrong’ or going backwards, quite the contrary in fact.
As always you make a very good point. Mrs Mountain and I had a good long chat about it and I’ve decided it’s okay to feel a bit boo hoo at the moment because it makes sense and because it won’t last for ever…. x
No matter how hard it is to let it flow, allow yourself a good cry. I find that sometimes it’s the only thing that brings me out of the fog.
This is very true. I think I’m all cried out now. Thanks for stopping by xx
Hugs Weegee. Im feeling about the same 😦
Thanks Gypsy. Huge hugs back…. we’ll both get through it xoxo
Maybe in crying is where you’ll find the answers, as much as it feels like you will never stop (I get that) You will, it will just hurt a lot when you cry but I hope bring some relief after.
Lots of love and support xo
Thank you my dearest. There have been a few tears since I wrote this post. I still feel wobbly but maybe not quite so wobbly as before.
Lots of love back xoxo
Feeling for you. Big hugs xo
I hope that things are still going well with your young man and that this isn’t the cause of the upsetness. Just try to keep in mind that this too shall pass. Lots of love.
Thanks Mama. Mr Awesome Thing Number Five is still totally awesome. I think that’s what’s bothering me more than usual…. when was the last time I had something so positive in my life? It doesn’t seem fair that I feel this way 😦
Still, as you say – this will pass. Until then I’ll hang on tight xoxo
Searching for reasons to stuff just makes things worse, because you then find yourself reasons that you weren’t consciously aware of, “I feel like crap because….” Sometimes there is no because, there is just feelings of crap.
I think if I’ve learnt anything is that you can’t completely fix everything. I think of my brain like I do my computer, sometimes it just doesn’t want to work the way I want it to and it sucks and makes me angry, perhaps because Ive worked it too hard, or because my antivirus likes to run scans when I’m in the middle of something important. Other times there is no reason for my computer acting so slow, and there’s nothing i can do about it, but other times it runs like brand new.
Basically what I’m trying to say is, medication is like anti virus, it helps keep your brain running, but sometimes, brains just don’t want to work anyway and there is nothing we can do to fix it except perhaps, to accept that our brains will never be top of the range laptops, more mid range, and sometimes those mid range brains will be able to work brilliantly and help us create awesome, but other times, you’ll wish you could trade it in for a better model.
It’s okay to feel like that and you don’t need an excuse to feel down.
Anything makes my brain more temperamental than usual, a slight change, not eating enough, eating too much, not getting enough sleep, getting too much sleep, not having a routine, having too much of an obsessive routine… you get the gist, doesn’t mean that there is something deeper that I need to figure out, sometimes I just do something so little, that I overlook that it could be the problem.
Totally hear you my dear. I think my brain might be a bit ‘out of routine’ and is rebelling a little. Plus, maybe there just isn’t a reason. Maybe I got out the wrong side of the bed….
Huge hugs back
PS – Love you lots like jelly tots xoxox
Let yourself cry WG… there doesn’t have to be a reason, it isn’t necessarily going to be the start of a massive down-fall, you may find it just helps. Even the “normalest” of people cry. We have tear ducts for a reason. ((((big hugs)))) you gunna be ok friendxxx
There have been one or two bouts of crying and I don’t think I’m quite finished yet – still better out than in, right?
Huge big hugs back lovely xoxox