Tag: Today

Posted in About today

I want to be alone

Posted on by WeeGee

You might have noticed that I’ve been a little bit wobbly of late. I could say that I don’t know why I’m wobbly but if I said that it would be a lie and I’m not much of a one for that. You might also have noticed that it’s THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. Well yeah, I’m not sleeping well on account of being a little bit wobbly and stuff like that……

I can’t pretend. I’m kind of, sort of, and mostly hiding in my little hidey hole. I like it here. It’s all easy, and safe, and no-one can get in. And my god, I wish it was that easy. Turns out that you can’t keep the world out by pretending it isn’t happening. That’s the thing about the world. It doesn’t stop. Not even when you want it to……

So – I met this guy. In an accidental fashion, as is always the way. And he’s sweet. And he’s lovely. And he’s funny. And he’s clever. And he’s already verging on too good to be true. And I keep thinking, as is my way, that I don’t deserve this. He’s a special person and special people always leave.
I’m kind of annoyed with myself because I know it didn’t ought to matter, and I know that this is my downfall. But what if, just for once in my life, I’m right? What if I stumbled across that special person who wants to live in my heart? Even for a little while?

But then I remember that I’m wrong.

I spent a long time wishing I wasn’t alone. And then I got used to it.

Posted in About today

I am sailing

Posted on by WeeGee

Today has been the sort of day that you decide to have scrambled eggs for breakfast, get distracted by a song on the radio, and end up burning the eggs to the arse of the saucepan instead of scrambling them…… It’s also the sort of day that you can’t really be bothered with people because, broadly speaking, people are completely RUBBISH. And that’s all me and my alien brain have got to say about that unless you want me to start swearing. And when I say swearing I mean as in really, really badly.

So – I’ve been a bit ‘WeeGee versus the World’ today, but it’s okay, because I think I’m just about coming out on top. The trick, I find, is to make an AWESOME playlist on Spotify and then spend your time listening to it whilst simultaneously creating the most bonkers spreadsheet known to man because that’s the sort of thing you get paid to do and because Mrs Scary Boss lady is always impressed by a bonkers spreadsheet. Gold stars all round.

Shall we have a little song to see if that lightens the mood?

That, by the way is not only one of my favourite songs of all time, it’s also my absolute favourite version of it. Ever. Ever, ever, ever. If you can be bothered have a little read of the lyrics. They’re AWESOME.

I’m not sure the mood is any lighter but it was worth a try, right?

I suppose the good news is that Mrs Mountain and I have decided that I don’t need weekly sessions anymore because by and large I’m coping fairly well with all this being alive stuff, and the only thing we really have left to sort out is The Worst Thing Ever, and maybe The Worst Thing Ever isn’t the kind of thing you sort out by talking about it anyway. The fact of the matter, I think, is that some things are so sad that you have to let them live in your heart forever. What you also have to do is learn how to leave enough space for the other feelings as well and I’m very definitely getting there.

I’m feeling a bit final about things at the moment, by which I mean I feel like I might have got to the place I’m supposed to be in life. I think I’ve decided that ‘this’ is the alien-person I’m supposed to be and that I’m content with that. I’ll spend days of my life thinking about The Worst Thing Ever, and I’ll listen to sad songs even though I’m happy, and the normal-people won’t make any sense to me but I’ll still love them with all of my wonky little heart. The main thing is that I’ll do all of that, and so much more without hurting myself, or letting anyone hurt me, even once.

Maybe I’m not feeling final after all – you know how I feel about endings anyway. Maybe what I’m feeling is a bit wistful. Truth told I’ve been feeling a bit wistful since I went to the seaside and realised how very much I want to sail away from it all. I can only ever be the alien-person I’m supposed to be and this AWESOME little alien-person will forever sail on stormy seas but will never find the shore. And that’s just fine.

Meanwhile in other news one of my friends has decided to get married to a boy who routinely behaves like an arsehole ‘because he asked her’ – this has led me to conclude that getting married is even more stupid than I thought it was and that the only circumstances under which WeeGee would contemplate getting married is if the person asking her answered to the name of Frank Turner. Nothing else to report today save that we might as well have a bit of Frank now I’ve mentioned him…..

Love you lots and lots, WeeGee McAlien-Person

Posted in About today

A whole load of awesome awesomeness

Posted on by WeeGee

Today I have been mostly flying by the seat of my pants. I’m usually pretty good at flying by the seat of my pants but emailing a duly signed contract out at 16.58 when the deadline is 17.00 is a little bit too seat of my pants even for my liking. I’ll tell you what though – when you spend most of your working day feeling a bit on edge you’re left with vast quantities of energy at the end of it. And vast quantities of energy in WeeGee land can mean only one thing: A whole load of AWESOME AWESOMENESS. I do enjoy the odd bout of AWESOME AWESOMENESS.

I suppose I should write something sensible about the last couple of days because I think sense left the building for a while resulting in a couple of nonsensical posts. The pressure is really on now, isn’t? I’ve only gone and promised that I’ll say something sensible when you are well aware that there can be no such guarantees as far as WeeGee is concerned….. Anyway – the first sensible thing to say is that I made a bit of a mistake – that age old WeeGee mistake of responding far too strongly to the words and actions of other people. The second sensible thing to say is that I’m going to try and remember not to make that mistake again because WeeGee knows far better than to let the words and actions of other people overwhelm her so much that she hides in her hidey hole for a few days.

To be fair, the past few days haven’t been all bad – mostly I’ve just been feeling quiet, thoughtful and not much in the mood for human company. I’ve decided that it is definitely okay to feel like that every once in a while because everybody needs some space from time to time. Even the mental people. Allowing myself to have some space to feel quiet, and think about things, and come to one or two decisions is a positive thing because it means I’ve finally turned into the kind of person who can give herself space, feel a bit quiet, have a little think and make some decisions without considering leaping off a tall thing whilst she’s about it. I guess what I’m saying is that WeeGee’s progress continues apace which I’m sure you’ll agree is pretty damn AWESOME.

As for today? AWESOMENESS has been the order of the day. I’ve bounced around all over the place getting things done, and being hilarious, and maybe being a teeny tiny bit irritating because although a bouncing WeeGee is all AWESOME and super efficient, she is also a teeny tiny bit irritating. Hey – at least I’m upfront about my faults 😀 My only regret this week is that when I was in hiding mode I decided not to make any exciting social plans but it’s only a small regret because I’ve got Masterchef to keep me entertained and a mostly AWESOME Bank Holiday weekend to look forward.

Meanwhile in other news I suppose I should confess that along with the bouncing around comes a little touch of recklessness which means I’ve had to promise not to do anything reckless like dye my hair blue, or have a full facial tattoo, or buy a brand new Audi on hire purchase. Nothing else to report save that the sun is shining, WeeGee is feeling AWESOME and all is well with the world.

Cheerie bye my sweetie pies xoxoxxo

Posted in Moving forwards

I’m fine. So there….

Posted on by WeeGee

Today I have mostly been being a happy little soul because I don’t have a single reason to be anything else. Perhaps that isn’t entirely true because not everything is perfect and I’m sure I could find something to be miserable and overwhelmed about if I put my mind to it. The thing is I’ve decided that from here on WeeGee is going to stop putting her mind to being miserable and overwhelmed and concentrate on being AWESOME instead. It’s much better fun being alive when you’re too busy being AWESOME to be miserable and overwhelmed….

I made an important discovery this past week – it turns out if you stop worrying, and fretting, and being all miserable and overwhelmed you start to find the courage to face up to the things that are making you feel that way. This is important because when you start facing up to things, and taking action, and being positive about the negatives you eventually find that you’re dealing with the negatives in a sensible and coherent way. I guess if you keep that up for long enough you eventually get to a point where you’ve completely run out of negatives (although I suspect that one or two new negatives might pop up along the way because that’s just the way things works). I wonder if this way of looking at things is what they call ‘coping’? I really hope so, because if you look back through the history of WeeGee and her problems they have manifested themselves in all kinds of different ways but they’ve always come down to the same thing: WeeGee struggles to cope with being alive.

At the moment being alive feels pretty fine and dandy to me. I don’t really mind that people can be confusing and cruel or that the Big Wide World doesn’t always make sense because I’m happy to concentrate on My Little World and the honest and kind people I’ve spent a long time surrounding myself with. I don’t care that work is stressful or that I’m a bit on the skint side because work won’t be stressful for ever and I won’t always be skint – all things must pass. It doesn’t matter that sad things happen and then live in your heart for a very long time because if you never felt sad you wouldn’t appreciate how AWESOME it is when you feel happy. It doesn’t even matter that I’ve got a nuclear case of psoriasis going on because psoriasis really isn’t the kind of thing that ought to matter regardless of how nuclear it is.

This time last week I was feeling a bit mixed up and unsure and now I’m feeling completely together and certain and (how AWESOME is this?) it was little old me who got myself from one feeling to the other. Sure, I wobbled about all over the place for a little while but then I stopped wobbling, had a little think about what all the fuss was about, and then everything was okay again because the fuss was about nothing that matters. The fuss was about wonky expectations, and taking what people say to heart and not trusting myself to make my own choices just in case they went wrong and I couldn’t cope and went mental again. Those aren’t things that I’m prepared to base my decisions on anymore.

I have to trust how I feel and what I think and what I want because that’s what I’ve been working towards for all this time – WeeGee in the driving seat and in charge of her life and emotions just like a normal person. I also have to trust people and let them to get close because that’s the only way I’ll ever disprove the ridiculous theory that everybody lets you down and leaves in the end. Above all else I have to trust in the person that WeeGee is. If that means that I wear my heart on my sleeve, or care too much, or accept too easily or be too kind or whatever else it is that people say I do – so be it.

I know I wear my heart on my sleeve, that I care about people, and accept who and what they are, and that I’m kind – always and to everybody. What can I say? I can only ever be the me I’m supposed to be and besides – how is any of that a bad thing anyway?

So there.

 

Loadsa love from WeeGee McHappyLittleSoul xoxoxox

 

PS – It’s been ages since we’ve had a ‘meanwhile in other news’ or any asterisks isn’t it? Happen I’ll have to put that right sometime soon xoxoxox

 

Posted in Reasons to be cheerful

A little favour?

Posted on by WeeGee

Good evening folks. How’s it all going?

You know me – I’m not in the habit of asking for favours, but this is an important one. A good friend of mine has a nephew who’s hoping to make it all the way to the World Dwarf Games in the USA, but he needs a little help to get there.

I’ve never met Tom, but I have met people who care about him which is why I’m sharing this link in the hope that you will be able to help by a) donating whatever you can OR b) sharing the link on your blog, Facebook, Twitter – whatever. The more people who know about this the more support Tom will get and that’s the name of the game.

http://www.gofundme.com/28io0k

It’ll only take you a minute to support a proper actual superstar in achieving his potential…. Awww – go on, there are lots of mental people – we could get some momentum going…..

🙂

Lots of love from WeeGee xoxoxoxox

Posted in About today

Because it was there

Posted on by WeeGee

Today I have mostly been thinking about how far I’ve come since this time last year. When I think back to how I felt, and I how ill I actually was in March 2012 it’s tempting to come to the conclusion that I’m a different person altogether…

It was a fairly standard Sunday in WeeGee land – brunch with Mr Brave, a good long run, a chit chat with Mrs Sparkle, and making French onion soup with a bit of soccer ball in the background for good measure. It’s hardly rock and roll but when you compare it to curling up in a teeny tiny ball wishing you were dead you have to admit it’s a pretty damn sweet life I’ve got going on for myself now.

Even the setbacks don’t feel too much like setbacks anymore. When rubbish things happen now I recognise that although they might make me feel sad they are little more than the ‘contingencies of life’ and that whatever you think, or however you feel, life will keep going on so long as you’re prepared to let it. I wish I could pinpoint the moment when I decided that all this living stuff was for me, but I can’t; it just kind of crept up on me.

This week has been and gone now. It was a fairly solemn week what with one thing and another but IT WASN’T THE END OF THE WORLD. This week was just another week where things, and stuff and what not happened and where WeeGee faced up to it all and said I STILL WANT TO BE ALIVE THANKS ALL THE SAME.

More than anything this week I feel like I’ve suddenly realised that this is what recovery feels like. It isn’t perfect – sometimes I get sad, sometimes I cry until I can’t cry anymore, sometimes I wish there was a stop button and sometimes I just want to hide. But most of the time I’m still out there, doing my little thing and climbing that impossibly tall mountain that goes by the name of life.

WeeGee: intrepid and fearless mountaineer.

HUGE ginormous hugs from WeeGee xoxoxox

Posted in Moving forwards

And now for something completely different….

Posted on by WeeGee

Evening folks.

Today I decided it was time to put some of those grand plans I’ve been making in my head into action, because I’ve been sitting on my backside doing nothing for too long and I’m bored of sitting on my backside doing nothing and the only way to remedy that is to get up and get on.

I’m proud of How do you eat an elephant? I like what I’ve achieved here, and what we’ve done together and I think we’re all pretty damn AWESOME so I figured we might as well tell a whole different world about how AWESOME we are.

Ladies and gentlemen….. I give you How do you eat an elephant? on Facebook:

http://www.facebook.com/HungryElephant

I really hope you’ll head across and join me because I promise we’re going to have a whole lot of WeeGee shaped fun over there. It’s going to be an AWESOME and hilarious little place, where everybody is welcome and hugs are available on tap. Not only that – there’s even a PRIZE for follower number one…..

Go on. You’ll never know what you’re missing unless you try it.

Lots and lots of love (and I’m going to feel a bit foolish if no-one comes to the party) WeeGee xoxoxoxoxo

Posted in About today

Here we to again

Posted on by WeeGee

Today I have mostly been staying at home taking care of myself because the past few days have been pretty rotten and when things get rotten WeeGee forgets to take care of herself. I was all up and ready to go when I remembered one of the important lessons I learned during the last bad patch: sometimes you have to stop until you’re ready to start again. Today is about getting myself back on the starting blocks before everything gets out of hand.

Taking care of yourself is quite easy. It’s about being kind to yourself, and letting yourself relax, and reminding yourself that wherever you happen to be is exactly where the future starts because the thing about the future is that it just keeps on coming at you. That there is another one of those valuable lessons that I’ve learned along the way.

Whilst we’re on the subject of lessons I might as well remind myself of this one: if you find yourself vulnerable, and tired, and a little bit hormonal to boot you ABSOLUTELY MUST eat because if you add starving to vulnerable, tired and a little bit hormonal you end up with the perfect storm on your hands and you start behaving like a proper nutter.

I spoke to Mrs Mountain earlier because it felt like the right thing to do even though we’ve got an appointment tomorrow. As always she was wise, and kind and patient and she reminded me that I don’t have to figure it all out by myself, and that maybe this isn’t really about the things I’m making it about and that I’ve been okay before which means it is an absolute certainty that I’m going to be okay again. She also reminded me that receiving a mahoosive gas bill isn’t really the kind of thing that ought to drive you to almost jump out of the window because it’s only money and money is the thing that matters least in life and if you jump out the window all the things that really matter disappear as well.

Anyway I’m on a bit of a mission today – I’ve got lists to write, and things to face up to, and help to ask for. Above all else I’ve got music to listen to, and a cat to cuddle and an awful lot AWESOME stuff to look forward to. I keep thinking about bouncebackability and remembering the WeeGee is like a weeble because it doesn’t matter how much she wobbles she never ever falls down.

Meanwhile in other news Gryff has been a super little cat so far today. Every time I sit down he takes it upon himself to sit with me purring in that simple contented fashion that cats do – it’s as though he’s trying to pass on some of his contentedness to me, and I think it might be working. Nothing else to report today save it’s upwards and onwards once more……

Loads and loads of love, and a bit of Gryff’s contentedness, WeeGee xoxoxox

Posted in Reasons to be cheerful

Would you like a hug?

Posted on by WeeGee

I think there’ll be two posts from me today because I’ve got things to tell you about but I’ve also got an important announcement to make and I don’t want it all mixed up in one post because that wouldn’t be very tidy at all now would it?

I’ll go with the important announcement first.

Are you ready?

Pause for WeeGee to clear her throat in a ceremonious fashion…….

Sometime last week I achieved the impressive milestone of my 200th post on How do you eat an elephant? Not bad for a part time blogger who was completely MENTAL for the first seven months, eh?

An awful lot has happened since I first sat down to write last April. Granted, some of it has been pretty bad, but on reflection I can’t help but thinking that most of it has actually been pretty damn good. I’ve come an awful long way and – WEEGEE IS ABOUT TO BE A BIT SENTIMENTAL WARNING – I just wanted to say that I really don’t think I’d have got to where I am without the support of my WordPress friends. You really are an AWESOME bunch who I’m very, very lucky to have bumped in to. Thanks so very much, I love you all, and if anyone would like a hug they can definitely have a WeeGee shaped one today.

I promise not to come over all sentimental and unnecessary again until my 300th post or one year blogging anniversary (whichever comes first).

Catch you later, Love from WeeGee xoxoxoxox

Posted in About today

I’ll love you forever

Posted on by WeeGee

Evening everybody.

Just a quick one from me tonight – I’m afraid I haven’t given it too much thought so it might be a little rough around the edges.

Today I have mostly been having a quiet day to myself: I took the day off work and focused on a) sorting my money out, b) sorting myself out and c) doing stuff that I like doing. I’ve pretty much achieved all three so I think today counts as a rare success.

To be honest I can’t decide whether I feel sad or hopeful today. Is it possible to feel both? I seem to have rediscovered the feeling that I’ll never really know how I feel – which means at worst I can be okay without ever really understanding why, or how I’m okay. Still – okay is okay and I guess I’ll have to take that.

Anyway all of that aside- I wondered if you might do me a little favour and head over to Youtube and ‘like’ this video:

http://youtu.be/cMeSk-0X95M

I’ll love you forever if you do……

I leave you tonight with one of my all time favourite songs. It’s a lovely song. You should have a little listen:

Lots of love WeeGee xoxoxoxoxo