Posted in Recovery?

Out of routine

The title of this post is a fairly adequate description of how I’ve been feeling for the last week or so. It’s also the title of an awesome song by one of my favourite bands – here it is if you fancy a listen:

Cool, eh?

I returned to work after SEVENTEEN whole days off today. The break was all great and awesome and stuff, but I started to feel a bit out of sorts and pointless because I was missing my routine and everybody knows how WeeGee loves a routine*

To be fair, it isn’t really me who needs the routine, it’s my broken brain** because in the absence of routine broken brain takes against me and does everything in its power to mix it all up again in the off chance that it might manage to convince me that things are so mixed up that jumping out the window is the BEST IDEA IN THE WORLD.

The upshot of all of this is that I had two days where I was a teeny tiny bit ‘woe is me’ which made me panic because I didn’t think I could do the whole ‘woe is me’ thing again but then I decided I was being foolish because there is a big difference between ‘woe is me’ and being a little bit down in the dumps because a) Christmas is all over with, b) you’ve been sitting around not doing much for a few days and c) you’re missing your friends from work. And then everything was okay again.

To be honest I think one of the most difficult things about getting better is adjusting to the ups and downs that a normal mood throws at you. Every time I feel a little bit sad, or a little bit confused, or a little bit lost (or a little bit whatever else) I over react because I think ‘here we go again’ when what I should really think is ‘how novel to have a fluctuating mood instead of the pointless empty one I used to have one hundred percent of the time’. I suppose I’ll get used to it in time…..

Food wise, I’m still doing well. In fact I’m doing really well. Christmas dinner didn’t fill me with the dread or self loathing or panic of previous years. In fact the only thing Christmas dinner filled me with this year was turkey and stuffing and brussel sprouts and other such festive foodstuffs. Better than that, I recently managed to EAT OUT IN PUBLIC WITH PEOPLE I HAD NEVER MET BEFORE. Get this – I didn’t just manage it once…. I only went and did it twice. Go me 🙂

As far as weight goes I think I’m getting somewhere. I’m fairly confident that my weight has levelled out at last and I can now go into almost any shop I want and find something that fits me (which is to say I’m normal enough to wear normal sizes which is pretty exciting, when you come to think about it) Every so often I wobble*** but only in a very minor manner and given some of the wobbles I’ve overcome so far I’m not going to worry myself about the minor things in life.

I suppose I could have summed up all of the above by saying ‘on a scale of one to mental I’m not very mental at all’ but I felt like setting it all out in black and white to remind myself how well I’m doing and how far I’ve come. I know that some of my readers are having a hard time with themselves at the moment, and I also know that they probably don’t think that it’ll ever get any better. The thing is, you have to keep on doing the right things, even when the right things don’t seem to be helping because eventually it will slot into place and the right things will lead you out the other side. To borrow a phrase from a much esteemed fellow blogger…… There is hope.

Meanwhile in other news I didn’t mention that I officially LOVE being back at work not least because I can blog in my (late) lunch hour. Nothing else to report today save that Mr Hilarious accidentally bought his daughter a psychotic hamster for her birthday and has some very impressive scars to prove it.

Cheerio for now

Lots of love from WeeGee xoxoxox

*Just in case you don’t, WeeGee loves a routine very much

**Yes – I do think of us as two separate entities. You’re allowed to do things like that when you’re mental

***Like when a pair of size six trousers are a bit tight for me. Which is ridiculous and I know it.

Posted in About today

A steadier ship

Here’s a warning for you…. You don’t have to listen to The Gaslight Anthem for very long before you find yourself accidentally listening to Bruce Springsteen wondering when you got old enough to listen to Bruce Springsteen. Here’s The Boss singing a song which is even more gorgeous when he sings it even if Patti Smith is one of the coolest people on the planet:

I am pleased to report that I’m over my wobble and I’m not feeling sad anymore – told you the ship would steady itself! I’ve admitted defeat with the whole food thing and went to my GP* to get a referral to a nutritionist because I might not be able to do this by myself and it’s very important that I manage to do it. Mr Wise reminded me that the last time I started getting over a serious case of the flat and empties I went a bit weird about food which is useful to know because if you know the patterns you can head them off at the pass. I’ve lost a considerable amount of weight in a not very considerable amount of time and I’ve dipped back into red on the chart** so there’s a lot of work to be done. But it’s okay, because I’m going to do the work and I’ve promised that I’ll get myself to the supermarket after work to do a hilarious ‘I can eat all this stuff without getting fat’ shop which is an excellent start even if I do say so myself. Pass the peanut butter….

It’s been a while since I did an online dating update, mainly because I’ve been doing some thinking and making a few little promises to myself about attachments and boundaries and now I’ve figured all that stuff out I’m all happy and excited about the whole idea again. I’m currently in touch with two interesting guys – Mr Magic and Mr Grammar Geek. Mr Magic is a magician*** who is a) very kind, b) very wise and c) not very likely to be afraid to argue with WeeGee. Mr Grammar Geek is an academic who a) is absolutely on the same page as WeeGee when it comes to intelligence, b) can out geek WeeGee on the grammar front**** and c) talks a very good cup of tea. There was a Mr Cheeky but he got a bit spooked when he realised I was mental***** and there’s a Mr Brevity who is definitely not very brief and is almost certainly interesting if perhaps a little intense so the jury is still out. Anyway – I’m going on a date with Mr Magic on Sunday which will be good fun and I’m fairly confident that I won’t come over all shy in the company of someone I can speak to on the phone for TWO hours without even thinking about it. I’m also going to meet up with Mr Grammar Geek next week and I just know that we are going to have a perfect cup of tea because neither of us would have it any other way and if it all goes horribly wrong there’s always the split infinitive to fall back on.

Here are a few more of those WeeGee observations from Match.Com

  • If you tell WeeGee your favourite film is Last Tango in Paris and she ignores you there’s no point repeating the fact because WeeGee isn’t an idiot and is ignoring you on purpose
  • If the only photo you have of yourself looks like it was taken when you were talking to your lawyer on the phone through a wire grill WeeGee will conclude that it probably was and give you a wide berth
  • 80’s music is cool and everything but if it’s the ONLY thing you listen to you aren’t really a music lover are you?

Meanwhile in other news it is officially winter because WeeGee has had to dig out the winter wardrobe. Nothing else to report today save that I said something unpleasant to The Man Who Knows under my breath but didn’t say it quietly enough and found myself on the back foot trying to think of  something that rhymed with f**k……

Loadsa love from WeeGee xxxxx

*I didn’t ever manage two visits in one week when I was PROPER mental

**But only just

***I’ve asked – he can’t magic us all better

****To be fair, I reckon he could out geek me on almost everything apart from maybe Monk

*****Which is fair enough, because it’s not for everyone is it?

Posted in Recovery?

What went so horribly right?!

SERIOUS POST ALERT. This post contains not one single hilarious joke. You have been warned….

It’s funny the way things change isn’t it? I’ve written so many posts trying to figure out what went so badly wrong after one of my ‘bit of a disasters’ and now I find myself writing in an attempt to work out what went right.  So – what did go right? The answer really surprised me and I think it’s going to surprise you too – because the answer is I did. Yep, that’s right, WeeGee finally worked out how to get it right and then went straight ahead and did it. How about that then?

Some people think that those experiencing mental health difficulties are ill, and others are of the opinion that they aren’t. For my own part, I lean heavily towards the illness theory if for no other reason than that sufferers can’t stop themselves from experiencing the difficulties in the first place. At the same time, I am of the firm opinion that mental health difficulties are not exactly the same as physical illnesses – primarily because when you become physically ill you are reliant on science, medicine and other people in order to get better; when you are mental you are reliant on yourself to get better –  if you want to recover you have to hunker down and make sure you recover. Sure you might need a bit of science and medicine and you are DEFINITELY going to need other people but none of those things can fix you. The problem is in your head, and in your thoughts and ultimately you are the only person who can fix it. This by the way is the most valuable thing I have learned in the last two years.

Here are just a few of the other valuable lessons I have learned:

·         The only way to deal with a bereavement is to let yourself grieve until you are ready to stop

·         There is only one place for the past and that is in the past which is not the same thing as saying memories don’t matter

·         If you let somebody hold you together you will fall apart when they stop being there to hold you together

·         Forgiving someone isn’t the same as accepting what they did was okay

·         Sometimes you have to stop just so that you can start again

·         Letting go isn’t the same as not caring

·         Keep on keeping on, because eventually you start keeping on without even realising you are doing it

·         I can write a whole blog post without saying something daft*

I leave you with one of Mr Wise’s favourite sayings which goes ‘You can’t change your circumstances until you change the way you feel about them’ It’s taken me 33 years to figure out how very wise that actually is and I don’t plan on forgetting it any time soon

Lot and lots of love (and please can you all keep keeping on) from WeeGee xxxxxxxx

*Actually I can’t. Here’s a little story for you: So – I’m at work, everybody is in this afternoon so the office is pretty packed and very quiet. And I go to leave the room, and my dear friend Mr Hilarious shouts the following across the room “WEEGEE! ARE YOU GOING TO THE TOILET** which I was, so then everybody knew I was going to the toilet*** and then when I was coming back from the toilet a small boy child**** said “Okay, now I’m confused – you walked up there and then you just came back again” And then I had to tell him I had been to the toilet as well…..

**I still don’t know why he needed to know

***I did of course enquire as to whether anyone wanted me to do one for them while I was there because I’m hilarious like that

**** I don’t know what the small boy child was doing there either

Over and out xoxoxox

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

A spot of quiet reflection

Today marks the six month anniversary of How do you eat an elephant? An appropriate point for a spot of quiet reflection methinks……

I suppose the first thing to say is the fact that WeeGee started doing something new six months ago and is still doing it today. That’s a big achievement what my tendency to move on to the next obsession a little too quickly and all. In six months my blog has changed quite a lot – I guess it takes a little while to find your feet. You know what though? I’m actually rather proud of my little blog –that I started it, that I’ve kept on doing it, that I’ve managed to turn it into something that matters to me. Me being proud of something I’ve done doesn’t happen very often so I’m definitely giving myself a little pat on the back today.

Now I’ve had my pat on the back I’ll do a bit more reflecting on stuff. I’ve been a reflective mood for a while, so I thought I might as well turn that into a post. To be honest I’ve been reflecting on pretty much everything, but neither you or I have time for that so I’ll focus on the most important bits.

A lot of my reflection has focused on where I’ve been and how I go about keeping myself where I am now for as long as possible. As to where I’ve been, well I’ve been lost somewhere totally shitty. Looking on the bright side I’ve learned an awful lot about myself along the way and I feel like I’m coming out the other side stronger. I know also, how I got to where I got to – holding on too tightly to things that actually, when I let go of them, just floated away without doing any damage at all. That tells me I need to learn to let go because once in a while letting go is the right thing to do.

Keeping myself here feels like a slightly daunting task. As much as I tell myself I can do it, or how much I feel like I can do it, I’m scared that one day, out of the blue I suddenly won’t be able to do it anymore. I can’t predict what’s going to happen in my life which means I can’t predict what’s going to happen in my brain. I can’t promise myself that where I am right now is going to be where I’ll be forever. That’s the thought I’ve been having and writing it down made me realise that maybe that’s the whole point. I don’t want to stay here forever and maybe I have a better chance of keeping myself well if I keep on moving.

I’m anxious about happens when Mr Clever decides I’m officially better and no longer need the medication and small army of support workers to get me through the day. I guess I just need to be on guard –  if I feel like things are getting risky I have make sure I do what I’ve been guilty of not doing in the past: shout up. That’s quite a big challenge I suppose, although in the main scheme of things I like a bit of a challenge every now and then.

I had a bit of a revelation during my recent session with Mrs Mountain. We were talking about what happens when all the support stops and I said something along the lines of “I can’t have counselling for the rest of my life”. Her response was “Why not?” And the penny dropped. Counselling isn’t just about putting yourself back together when you fall apart – it’s also about keeping yourself back together which is actually the most important part….

Moving on – a good deal of my reflection has been about Mr Friendly. I think that’s fairly natural. For a long time I thought I just wanted him back in my life – that, if I’m honest, Mr Friendly in my life was the only thing that would make me well again. Guess what? I’m getting well again all by myself. Mr Friendly will probably always be my friend and I’ll always love him. The big thing for me is that when I think about loving Mr Friendly now I think of a friendly, fond kind of love rather than whatever kind of ‘love’ we had when we were together. Being back together with Mr Friendly is actually a really bad idea, not least because he hurt me very badly. What he did, or rather the way he did what he did was anything but okay and it really doesn’t matter that he didn’t hurt me on purpose. The thing is I don’t have to forgive and forget all that stuff and I don’t need to pretend that it’s okay – I just need to accept it and then leave it in the past.

Anyway – we’re almost 1000 words later and that, I think, is enough quiet reflection for one day.

In summary, I’m feeling pleased with myself at the moment: I’m still learning lessons, and I’m finally fairly comfortable in my own skin. Long may it continue?

I might be back later to update you on the developments in my online dating experiment. It’s quite exciting really because for the first time in a very long time – I feel a bit of an adventure coming on!

Lots of love from WeeGee who is getting to the point where she barely recognises herself and likes it!

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

How to eat an elephant

As far as I can tell blogging has rather a lot in common with eating Pringles: once you pop you just can’t stop….. This is just a quick one though, because I don’t have a whole lot to say for myself – in fact I only have two things to share with you today and they’re both a little sentimental (such is my way)

Sentimental thing number one:

I was genuinely touched by the messages of encouragement I received in response to my last post. All the warmth and positivity really meant a lot to me, not least because the people who read my blog know and understand exactly where I’ve been and how hard I’ve worked to get to where I am. So – thank you for all the kind comments, not just yesterday but ever since I started blogging almost six months ago. I had no idea what a lovely little community I was stumbling into when I hit ‘publish’ for the first time. All I can say is I’m glad that I did because you guys are awesomely awesome.

Sentimental thing number two:

Over the last two years I’ve learned an awful lot of important lessons but I really wanted to share this one with you – it can and does get better. It might not get better forever and you’ll never know when you’re going to have to fight your way out of it again, but you will fight it and you will get out. Keep doing all the right things even when it seems to be making no difference at all. Eventually all those things come together and you start to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

In short? Keep on keeping on.

Turns out it is possible to eat an elephant after all. You just have to do it bite by bite (and keep your nerve when it gets really tough)

Much love to you all, WeeGee xx

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

Where I’m at

I’ve not been very regular about blogging recently. I suppose I’ve been ‘otherwise engaged’ which is no bad thing. I’m also so woefully behind with my reading that I fear I will never catch up and so, for the sake of my sanity I’ve decided that I’m going back as far as I can tonight and then I have to draw a line under it all and start again. Sorry, sorry and triple sorry….. I hope I don’t miss anything major.

The first thing to tell you is that things are really starting to look up in WeeGee Land. But fear not! I don’t feel reckless or invincible or hyper – I guess the best way I can think of to describe where I’m at right now is to say that I feel capable and okay and both things feel sustainable in the immediate term. That’s quite good, no?

I spent most of last week readjusting my routines. I need to have routines, but the old ones were all designed with the purpose of keeping my broken brain in check. The all new routine regime keeps most of that stuff (I don’t want to get too complacent) but also builds in a bit of WeeGee enjoying herself just for the sake of it. Which is new. And nice.

Last night I phoned everybody I know* and got dates in the diary for catch ups because it’s time for the WeeGee to act on what she has always known – there’s a big wide world out there that is worth being part of. You can’t hide forever. Well – technically you can but it’s not a good idea.

I must confess that I’ve had a little think about the future of my blog. I’m kind of mid think at the moment. I know that I’m definitely not going to give up blogging but I feel like I need to work out some of the nuts and bolts stuff. I also feel like I need to keep an eye on how blog reading affects me. ‘Triggering’ isn’t really a word I would use, but I do think I need to be aware of myself and my moods – the last thing I want to happen is for me to use the blogs I read to give me ‘permission’ to go back to the worst of me. I hope that makes sense? I care a great deal about my blogging buddies, but I’m in a new place now and know that I need to care about myself first. Now I feel like I might be a shitty person even though I know I’m not.

So anyway – now I’ve done a bit of an update and a bit of an apology and a bit of thinking out loud**. Time for a spot of nice safe blog reading……

Lots of love WeeGee xxx

*With one notable and deliberate exception, but that’s a different story entirely

**Well not exactly ‘out loud’ but you know what I mean

Posted in About today

It’s not unusual…

Fear not – this post has absolutely nothing to do with Tom Jones – that kind of thing really isn’t my bag. That said I’ve gone and thought it now and so have you. Sorry about that.

Here’s a little piece of advice for you: no matter how much practical and logistical sense lining up all of your white coat appointments in one day seems to make – DON’T DO IT. It turns out that there’s only so much poking and prodding around a broken brain can take in one day before…. well, before it decides to break.

I got back today feeling exhausted, overwhelmed and completely indignant about why this is happening to me. How bloody very dare this happen over and over and over again. Not just that, how bloody very dare some idiot in a bow tie tell me that I’m not doing as well as I think I am because I’m probably deluded. ‘Delusional’. There’s a new one, eh?

Hands up! I’ve been doing well for a little while because I’ve been ignoring some stuff for a little while. You know the kind of stuff – stuff I did, stuff that happened, stuff that lives in my head. So what? Ignoring stuff is enough to get me through the day. Ignoring stuff is enough for a few little hopes to think about taking root. Ignoring stuff works.

I don’t think it’s unusual for people to ignore certain things – even the normal people probably do a spot of ignoring once in a while. I expect that’s WHAT MAKES THEM NORMAL. Apparently, ignoring things ‘doesn’t work in the long term’. It’s difficult for me to see that as much of a problem because my brain regularly takes me to places where making it through the next few minutes seems impossible. Most of the time the long term doesn’t get a look in.

I understand that repressing stuff isn’t a good idea – but what I’m trying to do at the moment is different. The thing is there isn’t an answer to the way I think and feel. Some things hurt – and facing it isn’t going to make it hurt any less. Ignoring it on the other hand, that works for me so what’s the big deal?

So anyway – that’s where I am today. I’m exhausted and overwhelmed and a little bit baffled to boot. Oh. And I’ve still got a headache and my black eye is very impressive indeed.

Meanwhile in other news Dexter Season 7 is shaping up nicely so far (please don’t tell anyone I used illicit means to watch it – what with my job and all) and I’ve got chocolate cheesecake coming out of my ears. Nothing else to report today save that I was rather amused by the headline in today’s sun: “Megan teacher dumped by wife”. No shit, eh?

Lots of love from WeeGee xx

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

Doing it right?

I’ve decided that it’s about time I attempted something approaching coherent – I’ve been meaning to write about all kinds of things but thoughts keep getting in the way.

The first thing to say is that over the weekend I reached the rather dizzying heights of…. One hundred* followers here on WordPress. Wow! I thought it was particularly exciting to reach one hundred, because, you know, what’s not to like about a nice neat hundred? The only thing is I thought I got a  a badge or something from WordPress but I didn’t. Poor me. Anyway, I can’t quite believe that one hundred human beings have stopped by my blog and decided they had a little bit of interest in reading the nonsense that comes out of my head. Like I said… wow!

The next thing to say is that despite my recent rocky patch I am still ‘functioning well’. Those were my GP’s*** words and I guess I agree insofar as that I continue to cling on and make a reasonable fist of dragging myself through things. I’m not sure that making a reasonable fist of dragging yourself through things ought to be seen as functioning well – it’s more a case of functioning in spite of things surely? Anyhow, I didn’t want to get into another argument with her so I let her have that one. I also didn’t bother respond to the ‘I’m not as discouraged as you are’ comment because I was too busy trying not to poke her in the eye for saying such a ridiculous thing. So I’m depressed and I’m discouraged and you’re not depressed** and you’re not discouraged? Who’d have thunk it? (By the way, I went to see my GP yesterday when I was very angry. About everything. And everybody….)

Needless to say the argument with my GP wasn’t really an argument at all because WeeGee doesn’t do confrontation in the real world**** it was more of a difference of opinion. The GPs opinion was that because I can ‘afford’ to pay for private counselling I should perhaps come off the NHS waiting list for CBT which, by the way, I have been on for twenty weeks now. WeeGee’s opinion was that it wasn’t so much a case of being able to ‘afford’ it as being so terrified of myself that I couldn’t ‘afford’ not to find a way to ‘afford’ it. WeeGee was also of the opinion that the GP seemed to have missed the whole point of the NHS which, as I’ve always understood it, is essentially free treatment at the point of need regardless of your ability to pay (Mini rant about the NHS and how we’re all going to hell in a hand cart what with the Tories and all officially over).

More than anything, I think I’ve hit a wall of frustration. I’m doing everything right, I really am. I’m taking my medication, I’m mindful, I’m eating, I’m exercising and above all else I’m trying very (very) hard. I keep my appointments with my GP, Mr Clever the psychiatrist and my own lovely counsellor Mrs Mountain and I take everything that they say on board*****. I’ve got mood charts, progress charts, lists and self help resources coming out of my ears. I haven’t topped myself yet. I’m doing everything right but none of it is getting any better. Actually it feels like it gets a little worse with every day that passes.

I honestly don’t know what to do next. Is it really just a case of waiting it out? Will it pass in time? Or is the problem that I’m maybe throwing too much at it? Or do I just think I’m doing it right when actually I’m doing it wrong?

Who knows? Answers on the back of a postcard.

 

Meanwhile in other news I have continued to keep up with the 10,000 step challenge even though I’ve been a bit mental and the Olympic torch passed through Kingston today. I was a little bit underwhelmed by the whole thing but I did enjoy listening to the couple next to me arguing about who was responsible for forgetting to put batteries in the camera. Nothing else to report today save that the sun is shining upon the UK which means I have a sunburnt nose****** and the Breaking Bad obsession in coming along quite nicely thank you very much.

Cheerio, WeeGee xx

 

 

 

 

*Then it went up to 101, which is less neat but does allow me to say that I have more than 100 followers

**To my knowledge. Perhaps I shouldn’t make assumptions like that – a lot of people probably don’t think I’m depressed either

***AKA Mrs Helpful, but I couldn’t bring myself to call her that today

****I do okay at it when I’m at work but I’m just acting

*****Unless it’s stupid

******When will I learn!

Posted in About today

A proper post

I’m sorry that I haven’t written a proper post for a while. It hasn’t been for the want of trying, it’s just that every time I sat down to write everything went and fell out my head, or at least everything that was left after flat and empty had taken up the ridiculous amount of space they seem to require at the moment.

It’s been a funny few days (funny peculiar not funny ha ha). My brain seems to be settling into a new routine which is essentially two reasonable days followed by an absolute shocker. I’m taking this as a positive because it’s better than three straight shockers, right?

I was on annual leave on Friday. I’d had it booked for ages, but by the time it came around I couldn’t actually remember why. Still, it worked out okay in the end because I got to watch most of the tennis on a proper TV* and I didn’t have to take any time out of a working day to visit Mr Clever, the psychiatrist. I haven’t mentioned Mr Clever yet, have I? We have a love hate relationship…. No actually, scrub that we have a hate relationship insofar as that I hate him. I hate him primarily because he wears a bow tie, which may be irrational, but then I am talking about my psychiatrist here. When I first met him, I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt by thinking that he was wearing it in an ironic way, but he definitely isn’t. Mr Clever is a real life actual person who wears a bow tie to work every day and it tells me something about him that I don’t like. At this point I apologise for any offence caused to bow tie wearers, but seriously – what is it all about? Anyway, as far as I can tell I have to pole up at Mr Clever’s office at regular intervals to confirm in person that I haven’t topped myself yet. It’s an easy enough duty to fulfil, particularly given that I quite like hospitals. On another positive note he doesn’t ask me to tell him ‘how I feel about that’ which is a sure fire way to make me giggle because it reminds me of an episode of Monk.

I spent Friday evening in the pub** watching tennis on an iPad because the pub’s TV was broken***. It was good fun and it reminded me of how far I’ve actually come with some things in the last year. This time last year I couldn’t watch Wimbledon without thinking about jumping off a tall building, because it brought back some unhappy memories of happier times and because I was heartbroken and mental. I’ve hardly thought about any of those (un)happy times this year which must prove that the memories are dealt with and that I’m just plain old fashioned mental now. I think I like it better this way.

Saturday was a day of high excitement in the Wee Gee household because Alan the Ocado man brought my groceries. This is the most boring story I’ve told yet on my blog but I’m going to plough on and tell it anyway…. At the beginning of each month I do a massive online shop and fill up all my cupboards and my larder**** and then I spend a few hours unpacking it and organising the cupboards/larder. That’s the story. The reason I mention it is that it is an important event on the ‘looking after Wee Gee calendar’ because it means that all the ingredients for the ‘looking after Wee Gee meal plan’ are in the flat and all I need to do is make sure I make it to the supermarket once a week to stock up on fresh fruit and vegetables. It sets me up for the month ahead, and I always feel organised and in control on Ocado man Saturday. I told you it was boring!

Once the shopping was unpacked I spent some time learning how to draw a bird, and then had a pleasant afternoon wandering down by the river with my thoughts – it was nice to be with myself without driving myself mad. Saturday evening was a tense affair what with the tennis and all. I was glad that Murray won even if I do hate him. I hate Andy Murray because he is sullen and belligerent which I guess is a better reason for hating someone than the fact that they wear a bow tie!

And then came Sunday which was the shocker in the pack. My mood was back to flat and empty and I couldn’t bring myself to care about anything – I had deserted myself. Needless to say I spent Sunday following the well rehearsed routine aimed at keeping Wee Gee away from the cliff edge. I don’t need to go into details here, but I mostly approached Sunday in increments. Increments works quite well for me on occasion, and really just means I try to have a ‘normal’ day interjected with periods of hiding. As you can probably tell, given that I’m writing this, I weathered the storm and arrived at Monday intact.

The only significant thing to report about Monday is that I started the 10,000 steps challenge today. By way of background, about two months ago I decided to get involved in a challenge whereby I have to take at least 10,000 steps every day for six weeks and fundraise for Mind at the same time. Looking back it seems clear that I was in a Citalopram induced fit of enthusiasm when I signed up. Nevertheless I’m signed up now so I have to go through with it and I intend to do my best to raise the modest sum of one hundred smackers for Mind. There are two potential difficulties with this. The first is the very real prospect that I go into hiding during the challenge. I do a lot of pacing when I’m in hiding but I can’t imagine that I do 10,000 steps worth of pacing. The second is that no-one sponsors me, which would be awful not least because it would just confirm my suspicions that everybody I know actually hates me. On both points I’m just going to have to wait and see and cross the bridges as I come to them.

Meanwhile in other news work is still a bit shit and the Man Who Know is still alive and that’s all I have to say about that. Nothing further to add today save that Mr Hilarious is back after a leave of absence and I didn’t realise how much I missed him until he came back.

Take care, Wee Gee.

*As opposed to on my PC at work or on an iPad

**But not in a boozy way

***No, I don’t know why we didn’t think to move to a different pub either

****I say larder, but I really just mean a part of my wardrobe that doesn’t have clothes in. My kitchen is tiny.

Posted in Welcome to my world

Worry wart

I’ve always been a bit of a worrier – it’s a hereditary thing, I think.

Sometimes I worry about sensible things – like whether I’ve left my hair straighteners plugged in, or have put the candle out properly or where my keys are: you know, normal stuff that normal people worry about.

The rest of the time I worry about stuff that I don’t think normal people worry about – like whether the post-it notes are stacked in the ‘correct’ order, or the angle the tins in the cupboard are at, or whether one of my friends has changed their minds about me and has decided that they now hate my guts, or whether the world really will end at midnight without me having said some important things to important people. Or that my cat Gryff will get sick and that if so that it’ll have been my fault.

Sometimes I worry that I’ve got too much to worry about and sometimes I worry that I don’t have enough on my plate. It gets out of hand quite quickly, worrying, and that’s exactly what happened yesterday.

I woke up. It was the dreaded Bank Holiday Weekend and I’d been worrying about that, so I suppose I woke up with a worried head on my shoulders. Then my worried head went and decided that something had happened (let’s keep it cryptic for now, the effect is the same anyway). It’s a thing that I’ve always known was going to happen, but for lots of complicated reasons I wasn’t expecting it to happen for a while.

Having decided that the thing had happened worry gave in to anxiety which moved quite quickly onto panic followed by an internal rage. I started to feel like I wanted to smash the whole world up because this thing had happened and there was nothing I could do to make it un-happen.

And then the rage started to subside. I didn’t actually know whether the thing had happened. It probably hadn’t. Then again, I know that the thing is going to happen and that when it does I’ll be very worried about it, and I might get anxious and…. before I knew it I was dealing with the internal rage that comes from worrying about how worried you’ll be when something you’re worried about happens at an unspecified point in the future.

So far, the only thing I’ve come up with for managing the worry/anxiety/rage cycle is telling myself, repeatedly that it will pass. I know that I’m supposed to find a way to challenge the thoughts but I don’t seem to be able to get there at the moment. Waiting it out does seem to work, because I only spent a few hours of yesterday dealing with the rage, rather than the whole day.

Anyway, back to the thing that’s going to happen. It occurred to me today that maybe I should take some kind of pre-emptive action to cushion myself from the blow it will strike when it does occur; maybe it’ll be better if I make the thing happen rather than wait for it to happen?  The thing is, this idea is just another thing to worry about.

So now I’m worrying about how worried I’ll be if I take action to stop myself worrying about how worried I’ll be when something I’m worrying about happens. Told you it gets out of hand!