Self harm – Page 5 – How do you eat an elephant?

Stone

Posted on March 11, 2013March 11, 2013 by WeeGee

I figured it was about time I did a bit of an update from WeeGee land because it’s been a while. It’s not so much that I’ve been putting it off it’s just that I haven’t really known where to start…..

I wonder where I should start?

So. On a scale of one to mental, I don’t think I’m mental at all. Which is good. At the same time, I’m not convinced that I’m entirely myself. From the outside looking in it must seem that I am because I’m doing a good job of pretending to be me – all jaunty and hilarious and AWESOME. But something isn’t quite right. In fact it feels a lot like my big swollen heart got swapped out for a stone. How on earth do you go about finding your heart again?

http://youtu.be/5QC84iiv2V4

I’m not used to being so distant and separate from the people I care about. I’m not sure I like it, but I keep coming back to the notion that the harder your heart is the less you get hurt. Maybe I’m doing this on purpose. Maybe shutting the whole world out is perfectly rational in light of everything? I don’t know…..

I’ve a lot to be sad about right now. I need to remember that and accept that sad is okay sometimes. I’ve also got a few things to care about. I need to remember that as as well and accept that one of these days caring is going to have a happy ending. Whatever that might be.

In summary? I’m a bit mixed up but holding on tight.

Love you all lots and lots xoxoxoxoxox

About today

Because it was there

Posted on March 3, 2013 by WeeGee

Today I have mostly been thinking about how far I’ve come since this time last year. When I think back to how I felt, and I how ill I actually was in March 2012 it’s tempting to come to the conclusion that I’m a different person altogether…

It was a fairly standard Sunday in WeeGee land – brunch with Mr Brave, a good long run, a chit chat with Mrs Sparkle, and making French onion soup with a bit of soccer ball in the background for good measure. It’s hardly rock and roll but when you compare it to curling up in a teeny tiny ball wishing you were dead you have to admit it’s a pretty damn sweet life I’ve got going on for myself now.

Even the setbacks don’t feel too much like setbacks anymore. When rubbish things happen now I recognise that although they might make me feel sad they are little more than the ‘contingencies of life’ and that whatever you think, or however you feel, life will keep going on so long as you’re prepared to let it. I wish I could pinpoint the moment when I decided that all this living stuff was for me, but I can’t; it just kind of crept up on me.

This week has been and gone now. It was a fairly solemn week what with one thing and another but IT WASN’T THE END OF THE WORLD. This week was just another week where things, and stuff and what not happened and where WeeGee faced up to it all and said I STILL WANT TO BE ALIVE THANKS ALL THE SAME.

More than anything this week I feel like I’ve suddenly realised that this is what recovery feels like. It isn’t perfect – sometimes I get sad, sometimes I cry until I can’t cry anymore, sometimes I wish there was a stop button and sometimes I just want to hide. But most of the time I’m still out there, doing my little thing and climbing that impossibly tall mountain that goes by the name of life.

WeeGee: intrepid and fearless mountaineer.

HUGE ginormous hugs from WeeGee xoxoxox

Welcome to my world

Hitch hiking all the way to Planet Mental

Posted on February 25, 2013February 25, 2013 by WeeGee

Today I have mostly been wondering exactly how many idiots there are in the world and just how many more of them I’m destined to meet and mistake for a nice person….. What can I say? People are endlessly disappointing.

You know me – I don’t mind people being mixed up, or confused, or frightened, or sad, or mental or anything else for that matter. I take people as I find them on the understanding that human beings only really want to be kind to one another. Trouble is – not many people seem to be able to understand that too. Mr Hilarious pointed out that ‘perhaps it’s time for WeeGee to harden her heart and stop letting all and sundry live there’ Perhaps it is, but that doesn’t feel like the right thing to do, not really. I wish I knew what the right thing to do is…..

Can somebody give me a lift to Planet Mental?

Anyway – enough of all that. Just a quick reminder that I’ve got me a little WeeGee shaped space on Facebook if you’d like to join me:

http://www.facebook.com/HungryElephant

Incidentally if you’d like to add the real me you are very welcome to. Discretion guaranteed and my status updates are every bit as pithy and witty as you’d expect 🙂

I don’t have much else to say for myself today. All is well but I felt the need to a) have a little moan and b) engage in a spot of shameless self promotion.

Here’s a song. It is a song what I like:

The end

HUGE love, WeeGee xoxoxo

Welcome to my world

Pinch of salt

Posted on February 19, 2013February 19, 2013 by WeeGee

So. This morning we had the gloomy little post and this evening we get the WeeGee is a tearful desperate little mess post. I know I’m really tired and I have to take it all with a pinch of salt but I don’t know what to do. I’m frightened.

I did two years where there was nothing wrong except for my brain. I survived it and came out the other side but now my brain is fine and everything is wrong and I don’t know what to do with it all. This is one hell of a mess. I almost wish I’d never got better, and that I’d stayed in hiding because as miserable as I might have been there was still the hope of what getting better was going to be like. I didn’t think it was going to be like this.

All I ever wanted was the leave the chaos behind, to do the right thing, to find myself a safe little spot on planet earth. I never cared about being happy. I just wanted to be okay. This is ridiculous. Why can’t I just be okay?

When I was officially mental I always knew what I had to do. I had on doing the right thing, and dig myself out of the hole, and focus on being all awesome and stuff. I’m not mental anymore and there’s nothing I can do to dig myself out of the hole. How do you keep a roof over your head when you can barely afford to buy a cup of tea? How do you square up to the Worst Thing Ever Take Two when its all your fault anyway and no-one cared to start with because you were only ever just a body to them. And easily left behind.

This isn’t making sense, I know that. But I need to say it out loud. I need it all to go away because this is going to make me ill and I can’t be ill anymore. I don’t have the courage or strength to do it all again. I wish there was a magic wand but I know better than anybody that it’s all just staging, and misdirection and sleight of hand.

It sounds so dramatic, but this feels like where the story ends. Because where do you go from the end anyway. There’s nothing after the end.

I’m tired. I need a pinch of salt, and some sleep and maybe some Frank Turner. Somehow this will all be okay in the morning, right?

Love you all lots, like jelly tots. WeeGee xoxoxo

Moving forwards

And now for something completely different….

Posted on February 12, 2013 by WeeGee

Evening folks.

Today I decided it was time to put some of those grand plans I’ve been making in my head into action, because I’ve been sitting on my backside doing nothing for too long and I’m bored of sitting on my backside doing nothing and the only way to remedy that is to get up and get on.

I’m proud of How do you eat an elephant? I like what I’ve achieved here, and what we’ve done together and I think we’re all pretty damn AWESOME so I figured we might as well tell a whole different world about how AWESOME we are.

Ladies and gentlemen….. I give you How do you eat an elephant? on Facebook:

http://www.facebook.com/HungryElephant

I really hope you’ll head across and join me because I promise we’re going to have a whole lot of WeeGee shaped fun over there. It’s going to be an AWESOME and hilarious little place, where everybody is welcome and hugs are available on tap. Not only that – there’s even a PRIZE for follower number one…..

Go on. You’ll never know what you’re missing unless you try it.

Lots and lots of love (and I’m going to feel a bit foolish if no-one comes to the party) WeeGee xoxoxoxoxo

About today

Here we to again

Posted on February 12, 2013February 12, 2013 by WeeGee

Today I have mostly been staying at home taking care of myself because the past few days have been pretty rotten and when things get rotten WeeGee forgets to take care of herself. I was all up and ready to go when I remembered one of the important lessons I learned during the last bad patch: sometimes you have to stop until you’re ready to start again. Today is about getting myself back on the starting blocks before everything gets out of hand.

Taking care of yourself is quite easy. It’s about being kind to yourself, and letting yourself relax, and reminding yourself that wherever you happen to be is exactly where the future starts because the thing about the future is that it just keeps on coming at you. That there is another one of those valuable lessons that I’ve learned along the way.

Whilst we’re on the subject of lessons I might as well remind myself of this one: if you find yourself vulnerable, and tired, and a little bit hormonal to boot you ABSOLUTELY MUST eat because if you add starving to vulnerable, tired and a little bit hormonal you end up with the perfect storm on your hands and you start behaving like a proper nutter.

I spoke to Mrs Mountain earlier because it felt like the right thing to do even though we’ve got an appointment tomorrow. As always she was wise, and kind and patient and she reminded me that I don’t have to figure it all out by myself, and that maybe this isn’t really about the things I’m making it about and that I’ve been okay before which means it is an absolute certainty that I’m going to be okay again. She also reminded me that receiving a mahoosive gas bill isn’t really the kind of thing that ought to drive you to almost jump out of the window because it’s only money and money is the thing that matters least in life and if you jump out the window all the things that really matter disappear as well.

Anyway I’m on a bit of a mission today – I’ve got lists to write, and things to face up to, and help to ask for. Above all else I’ve got music to listen to, and a cat to cuddle and an awful lot AWESOME stuff to look forward to. I keep thinking about bouncebackability and remembering the WeeGee is like a weeble because it doesn’t matter how much she wobbles she never ever falls down.

Meanwhile in other news Gryff has been a super little cat so far today. Every time I sit down he takes it upon himself to sit with me purring in that simple contented fashion that cats do – it’s as though he’s trying to pass on some of his contentedness to me, and I think it might be working. Nothing else to report today save it’s upwards and onwards once more……

Loads and loads of love, and a bit of Gryff’s contentedness, WeeGee xoxoxox

About today

Oh wow

Posted on February 3, 2013February 4, 2013 by WeeGee

It’s quite something to be immortalised, but it’s even more special when you are immortalised by your alien brain twin. I can’t tell you how much this means to me – Sailor: it is you who is gold to the core because you sent this message, and this peace, and this hope today – exactly when I needed it the most. See you on the mother ship xoxoxoxox

Reasons to be cheerful

Would you like a hug?

Posted on January 30, 2013January 30, 2013 by WeeGee

I think there’ll be two posts from me today because I’ve got things to tell you about but I’ve also got an important announcement to make and I don’t want it all mixed up in one post because that wouldn’t be very tidy at all now would it?

I’ll go with the important announcement first.

Are you ready?

Pause for WeeGee to clear her throat in a ceremonious fashion…….

Sometime last week I achieved the impressive milestone of my 200th post on How do you eat an elephant? Not bad for a part time blogger who was completely MENTAL for the first seven months, eh?

An awful lot has happened since I first sat down to write last April. Granted, some of it has been pretty bad, but on reflection I can’t help but thinking that most of it has actually been pretty damn good. I’ve come an awful long way and – WEEGEE IS ABOUT TO BE A BIT SENTIMENTAL WARNING – I just wanted to say that I really don’t think I’d have got to where I am without the support of my WordPress friends. You really are an AWESOME bunch who I’m very, very lucky to have bumped in to. Thanks so very much, I love you all, and if anyone would like a hug they can definitely have a WeeGee shaped one today.

I promise not to come over all sentimental and unnecessary again until my 300th post or one year blogging anniversary (whichever comes first).

Catch you later, Love from WeeGee xoxoxoxox

About today

I’ll love you forever

Posted on January 29, 2013January 30, 2013 by WeeGee

Evening everybody.

Just a quick one from me tonight – I’m afraid I haven’t given it too much thought so it might be a little rough around the edges.

Today I have mostly been having a quiet day to myself: I took the day off work and focused on a) sorting my money out, b) sorting myself out and c) doing stuff that I like doing. I’ve pretty much achieved all three so I think today counts as a rare success.

To be honest I can’t decide whether I feel sad or hopeful today. Is it possible to feel both? I seem to have rediscovered the feeling that I’ll never really know how I feel – which means at worst I can be okay without ever really understanding why, or how I’m okay. Still – okay is okay and I guess I’ll have to take that.

Anyway all of that aside- I wondered if you might do me a little favour and head over to Youtube and ‘like’ this video:

http://youtu.be/cMeSk-0X95M

I’ll love you forever if you do……

I leave you tonight with one of my all time favourite songs. It’s a lovely song. You should have a little listen:

Lots of love WeeGee xoxoxoxoxo