Tag: Self harm

Posted in Recovery?

Being without feeling

Posted on by WeeGee

This is the news: WeeGee is happy. As in happy, and she knows it, and she really wants to show it. Clap, clap…….

The thing about being depressed is that you’re constantly aware that you’re depressed. Depression is always there, casting it’s long shadow, and controlling every little thing that you do. The thing about being happy is that you hardly notice it save for in those moments when it all comes together and the little smile you’re carrying about in your heart turns up on your face without you even meaning it to.

I used to think (or at least I thought for a long time) that happiness was about nothing more than moments and that the best you could ever hope for was ‘being without feeling’ punctuated by a few moments of ‘happy’ and even more moments of ‘sad’. It occurred to me today that I only thought that because I was depressed. Depression kills hope – that’s how it works, how it keeps hold of you for so long, how it takes over your life.

Now I know that happiness is about more than a few random moments in life – happiness exists in the moments you remember you’re happy the rest of the time. Happiness is what happens when the chinks of light get through so hope can grow. Happiness is safe, and warm, and content even when sad creeps in – it’s what helps you chase the sad away.

Happiness is being without having to worry about feeling.

I could lose myself trying to figure out where happy came from – it could be this thing, or that thing; or person x, or person y. Christ it might just be the happy pills. But what if (and this, I think is the likeliest) it’s about everything coming together and fighting a path back to my tired black heart so the sunshine can find it’s way through again? It’s pretty AWESOME when you come to think about it.

I leave you tonight with a sad little song, maybe the saddest song I’ve ever heard. The moral of the story? WeeGee is always going to love a sad song no matter how happy she is. Which is really just to say that she always comes back to herself in the end.

Love you lots and lots xoxoxo

Posted in About today

World. Shut. Your. Mouth.

Posted on by WeeGee

I’ve been feeling a bit ‘world shut your mouth’ for the past couple of days which would be a total pain in the arse if only I could bring myself to care. I hate feeling like this but I’m consoling myself with the fact that I only feel like this for a couple of days at a time now which is infinitely better than it being the perpetual state of affairs for months and months at a time. What a bleak way of looking on the bright side.

When I got up this morning I decided it was high time that WeeGee had herself a bit of a hide because when you’re feeling a bit ‘world shut your mouth’ and your brain is full of thoughts and feelings that you can’t figure out a bit of a hide is the only thing for it.

Sometimes you have to stop the world so you can find a way to make sense of your place in it……

As to whether I feel any better at the end of my hide? Who knows. I’m still a little tired of the world, but maybe not as tired as I was to start with. Perhaps that’s just the way it goes, and I simply have to get used to being tired of the world and the people in it every once in a while. It’s a shame because I much prefer it when everything is AWESOME.

I suppose I managed to remember one or two things – like how worrying is pointless, and how I can only ever be the person I am, and how I can’t stop the thoughts but I can choose what to do with them. Spot the lifetime in counselling. I wonder if that’s the problem? Maybe I’m tired of the fact that my tendency to being mental always has to shape the way I live my life.

I know that things are getting under my skin at the moment and that I ought not to let them but it really doesn’t work like that. Maybe I am a bit ‘clucky’ but it’s not the sort of thing your best friend ought to point out to you, all things considered. Maybe I would be a ‘high flier’ at work if I didn’t have the problems I do – but where does knowing that get me? Maybe wearing my heart on my sleeve is going to leave me hurting – but it’s always lived there and I don’t know where else to put it.

Today I think I’d like it if running away was an option. I’d happily board a spaceship and cross my fingers that I ended up landing amongst my kin. I’ve been wondering if there’s such a thing – WeeGee’s kin that is – because it occurs that I’m really lonely even though my life is filled full of people.

Meanwhile in other news there is nothing else to report save that I love you all lots like jelly tots. Oh. And I’ll be back tomorrow being even more AWESOME than before.

WeeGee xoxoxo

Posted in About today

WeeGee has a bit of a birthday

Posted on by WeeGee

Once upon a time WeeGee didn’t write a blog but then one day she decided to start one. And it was one of the smartest decisions she ever made……

It isn’t often that you know exactly what you were doing this time last year and it usually isn’t a good thing when you do. Up until now, my anniversaries have always been sad – the anniversary of someone leaving, or something ending, or something sad happening. Today is something of a novel anniversary for me because today marks the one year anniversary of my blog. That, by the way, is a very happy anniversary.

I suppose the first thing to note is that my blog has survived this long. It wasn’t one of my fads which was all AWESOME in one of my awesome moments and forgotten the next. I’ve managed to see it through, to tend it, and let it grow. That in itself marks WeeGee coming along quite nicely thank you very much.

But it’s so much more than that. Blogging has been good for me. Writing the experience of my life has been the most valuable tool I’ve ever found in terms of getting, and keeping myself well. Having a blog to keep up to date forces me to live in the moment and to remember that life is nothing more than a series of moments brought together. Blogging has taught me more than I ever thought I’d know about the holy grail that is the ‘here and now’.

When I started writing my blog this time last year I was at a very low ebb. I wanted to make it, but didn’t know if I could. I was in a bad place – I wanted to be dead, I didn’t care about anything, I was on first name terms with the staff in my local A&E. It was only a matter of time before I did myself a serious mischief.

And then there’s now. I don’t want to be dead, and I care about more things that I could possibly mention. Better still it’s months since I last turned up at A&E to be patched up, or put right, or because I had nowhere else to go. The best of all? I want to be alive and the things I care about are AWESOME.

A year on and I’m doing well. It’s been a fantastic journey and I love all of the people I’ve connected with along the way. It strikes me that my online life mirrors my real life in that I’ve always been really lucky when it comes to friends.

So anyway, this is WeeGee checking in one year later. She’s still a bit vulnerable and wonky. But mostly she’s eating the elephant because that’s what this year has been all about.

All you can do is the right things. It can, and does, get better in time.

Love you all lots like jelly tots xoxoxo

Posted in Recovery?

The wise wisdom of WeeGee

Posted on by WeeGee

Today I have mostly been having quite a big little think. Quite a big little think is a new one on me but it might be okay because it ended with a spot of wise WeeGee wisdom and you can’t really say fairer than that now can you?

It was a good day to have a big little think because it was Mrs Mountain day and given last week’s non starter of a session I was totally up for it today. All of the old questions seemed to have evaporated by the time I got to New Malden today and I only wanted to talk about two things – two very important questions:

Question one: Who is WeeGee?

Question two: What does WeeGee want?

Big questions but I suppose that’s why I needed a big little think……

So. Who is WeeGee? Do you know what? She is exactly what she is. She’ll never be any more, and will certainly never be any less. Mostly she’ll bounce around being all AWESOME and caring about stuff and people and stuff but every so often it’ll all get a bit much for her so she’ll have to hide. Which is fine. She’ll bore on about books and politics and how windows 8 is a bit shit but she’ll listen if you want to bore on about other stuff too. If you’re good, or kind, or wise, or funny WeeGee is going to like you. ALOT. Whether you like it or not. She’ll always be a bit sad no matter how much happy stuff happens because WeeGee refuses to pretend that the sad stuff that happened doesn’t matter – you have to carry it with you. Which isn’t to say that WeeGee isn’t happy by the way.

And then there’s what WeeGee wants which isn’t easy at all. On the one hand WeeGee wants to make it all right even though its always going to be wrong. But then again maybe WeeGee is going to put it right anyway, without meaning to, without it looking like she did it to anyone but her.

Or maybe there’s what WeeGee REALLY wants. And it’s nothing more complicated than the shore. Something steady, and safe, and real. WeeGee might never find it – maybe there’s no such thing as peace. But at least she figured out what she’s looking for, and it doesn’t come any wiser than that.

And that there is the wise wisdom of WeeGee. Goodnight my lovelies xoxoxoxo

Ps. Enjoy this song. It makes my heart sing:

Posted in Welcome to my world

Love, loyalty and laughter

Posted on by WeeGee

I really want to write a coherent and sensible post tonight but before I get to that there are one or two things I need to get off my chest:

Fucksticks (best swear word ever). Shitbags (close second). Arsehole (a good description of almost every man I ever met). Buggeration (but not literally*). Bastard (because why the hell not). Fuck, fuck, FUCKITY fuck (just to round it all off)

And breathe……

Today I have mostly been working very hard to make sure that the mentals don’t bite because I’m tired of all the mental stuff and because when it comes to dealing with the flat and empties nobody knows the drill better than I do. Besides, what’s the point of learning all the lessons I’ve been learning if I’m not prepared to listen to them when it really matters?

I’m in a funny place right now, but sadly it isn’t a funny haha kinda place. It’s funny in that I can see it for what it is, and know it, and understand it but still feel too frightened to do the thing I’m supposed to do to make it better because the thing I’m supposed to do to make it better wont feel better in the short term. Pah! And I said this would be sensible and coherent!

Oh dear oh dear. Can I have a hug?

I had plans tonight but I cancelled them because I wanted to be alone which is to say I wanted to hide from the world because I don’t like the world today and therefore want no part in it. That’s not a good sign. I know that. But hey – I’ve got what I got…. And at least I made it out of bed, and managed three square meals and have no intention of jumping out the window. That’s what WeeGee does when she doesn’t want the mentals to bite.

I’ve got plans tomorrow too, and the day after and the day after – which would feel like a life if only I wanted to have one. More to the point it would feel like a life if only I could trust myself to have it. Maybe I’ll cancel my plans and maybe I won’t. I still don’t know how best to keep myself safe. Smile and pretend, or cry and accept? Answers on the back of a postcard.

I had a long chat with Mr Wise earlier. It’s ages since I had a long chat with Mr Wise because it’s ages since I needed him. Mr Wise reminded me that I have to remember who I am and stick to it – if people don’t want my loyalty, or my love, or my laughter then they don’t want me and I can’t want people who don’t want me because that’s a recipe for disaster if ever there was one.

So I guess I have to hope for one of two things. Either my love and laughter and loyalty will win through and there’ll be a happy ending amidst the confusion, or there won’t be but It’ll still be okay in the end anyway. I’ve been okay before right?

All of this to say that I’m a bit uncertain and bleak but somehow hopeful because I can do uncertainty and bleak and come out the other side being all AWESOME and stuff. Wish me luck.

By way of goodbye why don’t you have a lovely little song – from my heart to yours:

Love you lots like jelly tots xoxoxoxoxo

Posted in Welcome to my world

The wide awake club

Posted on by WeeGee

I suppose I should start by filling you in on the background. The background is this: it is presently four thirty in the morning and I’ve been awake since a little after one. In the time that has intervened I have mostly been crying. You’ve probably figured out that I’m somewhat prone to crying by now, but three and a half hours worth of crying is quite something even by the WeeGee’s standards. Anyway, I’m a little bored of the non stop crying now, not least because it has given me a rather spectacular headache.

I started crying when I realised that I was so lost in all the thoughts and feelings swimming around in my head that I couldn’t tell which were the thoughts and which were the feelings anymore. I’m all mixed up and it occurs that the only person who ever managed to make my jumbly messes go away is so far away right now that it might as well be a different planet. But that’s a whole ‘nother story……

Anyway. The point is this: nobody is going to pick me up, hold me tight, and stay with me until the world goes away which means that it’s time for WeeGee to start fighting again even though WeeGee doesn’t feel much like fighting because she’d rather just cry in spite of her spectacular headache.

Every so often I think I’ve made it to the shore – it’s safe and it’s solid and I like it there but just as I get used to the ground beneath my feet I’m cut adrift to sail the stormy seas once more.

A while ago I wrote that I felt like my heart had turned to stone. I wish I could feel like that now because my heart is big and heavy again and I think it might be too much for me to bear. I’m alone and frightened because I did what I always do – I hoped. I hoped that I was better, that I’d finally turned the lights back on, that I wouldn’t have to sit in the dark ever again.

I try to tell myself that hope is important, but I don’t really believe it because I’ve done a lot of hoping in my life and it never got me anywhere but here – sailing alone on dark and stormy seas with thoughts that might be feelings and feelings that might be thoughts jumbling around in my broken brain. And the words ‘but I love you’ ringing in my ears.

Love WeeGee McWideAwake xoxoxox

Posted in About today

That joke isn’t funny anymore

Posted on by WeeGee

I knew that today was going to be complete and utter crapola when I discovered a small hole in my tube of betnovate* – if ever there was a sign from above, that there is it.

To be honest, I’ve been waiting for today to come around for a while now because I’ve been a bit preoccupied and overwhelmed and worried and when I get a bit preoccupied and overwhelmed and worried I know that its only a matter of time before a mild case of the flat and empties strikes. Looking on the bright side, I’ve at least got to a point where the flat and empties no longer strike without prior notice…..

There’s nothing the matter with me that a little think won’t sort out – I know that, but I’m tired of my little thinks and facing up to things and talking about stuff. The only thing I really want to do today is pretend that the world isn’t happening around me, mainly because I don’t feel much like I’m part of the world and why would I want to acknowledge some place that I don’t belong in anyway?

Oh {insert a swear word of your choosing here}

It was Mrs Mountain day today and, given my mood, I’m not entirely sure that was a good thing because I feel like I might have wasted Mrs Mountain’s time as well as my own and I do so hate wasting time especially when I’m paying for the privilege of experiencing the time in question. On which note, it occurs that I don’t suppose Mrs Mountain much minds that I wasted her time, which makes me feel a little better about the whole thing.

There was an awful lot of stuff I needed to discuss with Mrs Mountain today – in fact my list for today was probably one of the longest lists I’ve ever had but when I finally got to New Malden** none of it mattered anymore because I’d slipped into ‘nothing matters so what’s the point?’ mode which isn’t an ideal mode to be in on Mrs Mountain day.

Pfft.

Here is a list of the important questions that I didn’t but should have discussed with Mrs Mountain today:

Why does someone wanting to ‘look after’ WeeGee scare the living daylights out of her when actually it’s a lovely thing to want to do and WeeGee ought to feel blessed that somebody might want to do it for her?

Why do so many people think that WeeGee falls in love ‘too easily’ when actually it’s the hardest thing in the world for her to do?

Why does WeeGee feel like there’s a blackness in her heart even when she is, to all intents and purposes, happy?

What do people really see when they see WeeGee?

Why can’t WeeGee shake off the feeling that she is neither a real or proper person even though her logical brain knows that she is obviously real and mostly proper***

Confusing stuff isn’t it? And that isn’t even the full list…… I sooooo need a lift to planet mental.

Double pfft.

Anyway. I’m not sure there’s a point to today’s post which is just fine and dandy because there isn’t much of a point to anything and why should my blog be any different anyway. I’ll doubtless be back tomorrow, bouncing off the walls and being all AWESOME and stuff but for today I’m quiet, and grey, and full of the flat and empties but not like I used to be because I just want to make dinner and watch rubbish telly and wait for tomorrow instead of starving myself, hiding and then jumping off a tall thing so that tomorrow never comes.

I guess that goes down as progress…..

I leave you today with a little song that speaks to me today:

http://youtu.be/ExzOvcvO57c

Love in spite of a hint of the doomy gloomies from WeeGee xoxoxox

*only fellow betnovate users will understand this one – it’s hard enough to get betnovate out of the tube without factoring in a hole in the bloomin’ tube. ROAR
**after considerable transport chaos. ROAR
***I suppose how ‘proper’ I am depends on your take on morals and stuff…..

Posted in Moving forwards

I’m fine. So there….

Posted on by WeeGee

Today I have mostly been being a happy little soul because I don’t have a single reason to be anything else. Perhaps that isn’t entirely true because not everything is perfect and I’m sure I could find something to be miserable and overwhelmed about if I put my mind to it. The thing is I’ve decided that from here on WeeGee is going to stop putting her mind to being miserable and overwhelmed and concentrate on being AWESOME instead. It’s much better fun being alive when you’re too busy being AWESOME to be miserable and overwhelmed….

I made an important discovery this past week – it turns out if you stop worrying, and fretting, and being all miserable and overwhelmed you start to find the courage to face up to the things that are making you feel that way. This is important because when you start facing up to things, and taking action, and being positive about the negatives you eventually find that you’re dealing with the negatives in a sensible and coherent way. I guess if you keep that up for long enough you eventually get to a point where you’ve completely run out of negatives (although I suspect that one or two new negatives might pop up along the way because that’s just the way things works). I wonder if this way of looking at things is what they call ‘coping’? I really hope so, because if you look back through the history of WeeGee and her problems they have manifested themselves in all kinds of different ways but they’ve always come down to the same thing: WeeGee struggles to cope with being alive.

At the moment being alive feels pretty fine and dandy to me. I don’t really mind that people can be confusing and cruel or that the Big Wide World doesn’t always make sense because I’m happy to concentrate on My Little World and the honest and kind people I’ve spent a long time surrounding myself with. I don’t care that work is stressful or that I’m a bit on the skint side because work won’t be stressful for ever and I won’t always be skint – all things must pass. It doesn’t matter that sad things happen and then live in your heart for a very long time because if you never felt sad you wouldn’t appreciate how AWESOME it is when you feel happy. It doesn’t even matter that I’ve got a nuclear case of psoriasis going on because psoriasis really isn’t the kind of thing that ought to matter regardless of how nuclear it is.

This time last week I was feeling a bit mixed up and unsure and now I’m feeling completely together and certain and (how AWESOME is this?) it was little old me who got myself from one feeling to the other. Sure, I wobbled about all over the place for a little while but then I stopped wobbling, had a little think about what all the fuss was about, and then everything was okay again because the fuss was about nothing that matters. The fuss was about wonky expectations, and taking what people say to heart and not trusting myself to make my own choices just in case they went wrong and I couldn’t cope and went mental again. Those aren’t things that I’m prepared to base my decisions on anymore.

I have to trust how I feel and what I think and what I want because that’s what I’ve been working towards for all this time – WeeGee in the driving seat and in charge of her life and emotions just like a normal person. I also have to trust people and let them to get close because that’s the only way I’ll ever disprove the ridiculous theory that everybody lets you down and leaves in the end. Above all else I have to trust in the person that WeeGee is. If that means that I wear my heart on my sleeve, or care too much, or accept too easily or be too kind or whatever else it is that people say I do – so be it.

I know I wear my heart on my sleeve, that I care about people, and accept who and what they are, and that I’m kind – always and to everybody. What can I say? I can only ever be the me I’m supposed to be and besides – how is any of that a bad thing anyway?

So there.

 

Loadsa love from WeeGee McHappyLittleSoul xoxoxox

 

PS – It’s been ages since we’ve had a ‘meanwhile in other news’ or any asterisks isn’t it? Happen I’ll have to put that right sometime soon xoxoxox

 

Posted in About today

Wrong frame of mind

Posted on by WeeGee

I’ve spent most of today being in the ‘wrong frame of mind’ – at least according to Mr Hilarious’ analysis. I’m not sure what I’m in the ‘wrong frame of mind’ for unless it’s life on planet earth……

Pfffffffft.

To be honest I feel a lot like swearing but not in my usual casual way, in fact, I feel like saying all the REALLY bad words I know just because I can. Then again, that wouldn’t make for a very good post, would it?

I think I’m mostly just tired. I’m tired of my job, and of my friends, and of my family, but most of all I think I’m tired of being awake. I’ve actually been awake for quite a long time despite my very best efforts to the contrary.

Tonight I keep thinking that I wish people would just let me be, trust me to know myself, and have some faith in the fact that WeeGee might be a lot of things but being a TOTAL IDIOT really isn’t one of them.

I know that people are trying to care and I know I’m lucky that they do but one of these days I’m going to have to step back out into the real world without a safety net. It’s tough I guess for the people who dragged me out of the dark but now I’m out of it I need to be in charge again because when it comes down to it I’m a strong little thing and when I’m well it’s my way or the highway.

Above all else I’d like everybody to just leave me alone for a while and stop with all this wisdom that doesn’t always sound very wise to me. What I really need is for someone to tell me that all is, and will be well. Because WeeGee is a strong and independent woman who can work all this stuff out by herself. And because things don’t always have to end badly – because sometimes they don’t have to end at all.

And if any of this made any sense to you….. Welcome to planet mental

Love you lots

WeeGee xoxoxoxo

Posted in Moving forwards

Don’t mention the time

Posted on by WeeGee

This post is going to be a bit like an episode of Fawltey Towers insofar as that no matter what happens it is absolutely imperative that you DON’T MENTION THE TIME because it is unspeakably early and WeeGee isn’t asleep and she’s not exactly over the moon about it.

I haven’t been able to blog for a little while because all of the words had fallen out of my head and every time I tried to write something all I could achieve was a blank page. Perhaps being awake at six o’clock on a Sunday morning is the cure for wordy block because I’ve already written 107 words and I’m sure there are a few more where they came from. And yes, of course I mentioned the time. It’s impossible not to mention the time when you are awake at six o’clock on a Sunday morning……

The last time I wrote I felt like my heart had been stolen and replaced with a stone and I was worried about how I was going to go about finding my heart again. It turns out I didn’t need to worry because the answer was staring me square in the face: when you lose your heart all you need is for somebody to come along and help you find it. Every once in a while it occurs to me that the world is actually quite a nice place to live, because every once in a while the world delivers the very thing you need at the very time you need it. For now, that’s all I’m going to say about that, but you can rest assured that all will become clear because when it comes to you guys I can’t keep a secret to save my life xoxoxo

It’s a quarter past six now (yes, I know I mentioned the time) and I’m up to 308 words: take that wordy block.

I’ve had a busy week what with having a social life and having a job and having one of my little thinks. The highlight of my social life was the ever lovely Roddy Woomble at the Jazz Cafe* The highlight of my working week was a rather triumphant project sign off and the highlight of my little think was remembering that I am well enough to have a week long little think without jumping off the cliff. Go me.

06:24. 400 words on the nose. Do you think 400 words mean that my writers block is cured?

I’m looking forward to today because I’ve got an awesome little day to myself planned and I do so love an awesome little day to myself. I’ve decided that today is going to be about doing all of the things that WeeGee loves doing when she’s by herself – like tidying up, and cooking, and knitting, and reading all the lovely blogs that I keep not finding the time to read. Sorry about that by the way.

Anyway. I’ve made it to six thirty and I’ve just tipped the 500 word mark, so I think I might call it a day, hit publish and see if I can’t get myself back to sleep for a little while. You never know, I might even be back later because I’ve picked up a couple of those exciting blog awards and its about time I got around to accepting them.

I leave you today with a song. I’ve known the song for quite a while, but I hadn’t really noticed exactly how beautiful it was until I heard it live and my heart melted:

06:33. 599 words. Over and out.

Lots of love, WeeGee xoxoxoxoxox

*Actually, there was another social highlight but I’m keeping it to myself for now 🙂