Posted in Moving forwards

Remember me? WeeGee?

I suppose you know it’s been WAY too long since your last blog post when the great and the good of the blogosphere start popping up all over the place to say “hey there WeeGee! Are you still there or did you go and fall off the end of the universe or something?”

I’m not entirely sure how it got to be quite so long since my last post. I’m conscious that it was a big post and that maybe, at least in a small part, I spooked myself a little when I realised quite how candid I’d been. Most people were nothing short of AWESOME about the whole ‘attention real world: I am a mental person’ thing but one or two weren’t quite so pleased which hurt a little. Then again, I guess all it goes to show is that you can’t please all of the people all of the time……

Anyhow – that’s all done with now and I’m back which means there’s only one thing for it: A Spectacular Update On All The Spectacular Things WeeGee Has Been Up To. Who’s in?

So. Is everything all spectacular here in WeeGee land? Well of course not, but that’s not the way the world works. On the other hand if you were to ask is WeeGee well, and taking care of herself, and still putting one foot in front of the other? Well hell yes, and then some. When you’re depressed I think you think that getting better is going to be the opposite of where you are, and that you’ll somehow start to leap out of bed in the morning full of hope, and optimism and HAPPINESS. The thing is that the normal brains don’t work like that, so why on earth would a getting better mental brain behave that way?

Life isn’t perfect, or perhaps more accurately, the way I interact with life isn’t perfect. I’m still pretty frightened, and overwhelmed, and likely to hide. But I’m out there, and I’m doing it anyway and if I’m honest it really doesn’t feel too bad most of the time. Do you know what? If this is as far as I’m ever going to get I’m going to take it and be content: it doesn’t feel too bad most of the time. I don’t suppose you can say much fairer than that.

Since last I blogged I’ve been having a real life. I’ve been finding my mojo at work, and working things out with Mr Friendly, and taking lots of photos, and cooking lots of food. I guess I’ve been doing what I said I was going to do: working out who WeeGee is now. Maybe that’s the headline – it isn’t perfect, but WeeGee finally has a real life and she likes it.

As always I saved the best for last. On the one hand I know that another person shouldn’t ever count as the best thing. But on the other hand that rule doesn’t account for Mr Awesome Thing Number Five* turning up. What can I say? That I don’t deserve him? That I can’t believe my luck? Or that maybe I’m going to take this too because it works (thus far) and that we’re happy (thus far) and can anyone spot anything else that matters? Thought not…..

Much in the same way as I didn’t mean to be unwell, I didn’t mean to get better. I kept on keeping on, doing all the right stuff, and hoping for the future. Where I’m at now just kinda happened, and that’s not miraculous. It’s just the way life ebbs and flows, and the way the brain behaves, and the way somehow, if you hold on tight enough you’ll always come out on the other side.

I love you all lots like jelly tots

WeeGee xxxxx

*if I’d known how things were going to turn out is have given him a shorter name.

.

Posted in Welcome to my world

Boo fucking hoo

I’m just going to have to face up to it. You know that birthday post I’ve been promising? Well I’m afraid it isn’t going to happen. The birthday in itself was completely AWESOME, full of Mr Awesome Thing Number Five, and a sleepy little English town, and feeding baby penguins which shat in my shoe, and a visit from my parents and…… AWESOME birthday. The thing is, my birthday was a long time ago, and since then I’ve been feeling ALL OF THE FEELINGS and the recent past isn’t really something that I feel much like blogging about because I’m a bit lost in the here and now, which – let’s be honest – is a little better that being lost in the then and gone or the still to come and unknown. Am I sounding a little manic to you? I’m feeling a little turbo charged so I wouldn’t be surprised…..

I woke up this morning feeling a little bit disjointed, you know? Like my brain wasn’t attached to my body anymore. I used to get that all the time – that feeling that my brain was a completely separate entity from ‘me’. Experiencing it now, for the first time in a while, I’m struck by how little sense it makes. I’m inextricably connected to my brain so how come it sometimes feels so ‘other’ every once in a while? The answer used to be ALIEN but that feels a bit unsatisfactory today. I believe myself to be lots of things but I don’t really believe myself to be an alien. I mean, it would be convenient, and it would explain an awful lot but being an alien would surely throw up even more questions than answers so it can’t possibly be the answer. Then again maybe I need to work through all of the questions and maybe being an alien isn’t as daft as it first sounds.

Still a bit turbo charged but not exactly AWESOME here. Alien brain strikes again?

I know that I’m not AWESOME because I don’t want to talk to most people. I don’t mind talking to some people but when I’m AWESOME I want to talk to everybody and as far as I’m concerned everybody can fuck right off. I can’t figure myself out right now so other people are a HUGE step too far. World. Shut. Your. Mouth.

I’ve written this post as it comes to me – stream of consciousness style. I’m just glad Mr Clever doesn’t get to read what I have to say here because I fear I’d wind up in trouble…..
WeeGee is not a happy WeeGee. Not at all. The brain is all broken and I’m a little bit angry and a little bit STOP because I’ve had enough…… Time for a song:

Booooo.

Love you lots like lovely jelly tots xxx

Posted in Welcome to my world

The opposite of a jolly post

Every so often I’m left wondering what gets in to me. Here I am, to all intents and purposes happy yet still I can’t quite shake off the feeling that something’s wrong. I don’t actually know what’s wrong. All I know is that in my heart, or in my head, it just isn’t right. I can’t help thinking that this is as good as it gets for an alien on planet earth – that no matter how good it gets, or what you’ve got going for you, the bit that’s broken always rises to the surface to mess things up…..

I find myself in hiding mode. I feel like I want to sit here until I figure it all out which would be fine if I knew what ‘it all’ actually was. So instead of figuring it all out I’m flitting about from one website to another, and googling random stuff to keep my brain occupied, and pacing, and staring, and trying my very best not to cry. I can’t cry because I know that as soon as I start there will be a very real and present danger that I’ll never be able to stop crying again.

This is a jolly little post, isn’t it.

The worst of it, I think, is that this is coming from nowhere. Nothing is one thing, but nothing creeping up on you not just when you least expect it but when you positively don’t expect it? Well that just well and truly sucks.

I should get up. I should shower and leave the house. I should eat something. I should phone a friend. I should PULL MYSELF TOGETHER. I should give myself a break, and a bit of peace and quiet, and I should poke myself in the eye to see if that gets me going. I should do a million and one things but I don’t think I’m going to do any of them.

Maybe I’m just feeling sorry for myself. Or maybe this is the reality of broken brain. For all the meds, and the talking, and the self soothing, and the people who just want you well this is all there really is. Nothing. And nothing will come of nothing. For all the times you think you’re better nothing is still hiding in your brain. It’ll always come back and you won’t know how long it’s going to stick around for.

But hey: Upwards and onwards. Keep on keeping on. Do the right thing. All things must pass.

Tomorrow always comes.

Lots of love from WeeGee xoxoxo

Posted in About today

How did this happen?

Sometimes it’s really funny the way things turn out…. I’m currently dating a guy called Craig. Before that I dated a guy called Daniel. Before that I dated a guy who described himself as Daniel Craig’s body double*…. Weird huh?

Anyway – all of that aside, I figured it was time for a proper update. And by proper I mean not all BOO HOO or all AWESOME and just a bit matter of fact this is what’s going on in WeeGee land at the moment…..

Bottom line? Life is good and I can’t find a single thing to complain about** I went from ‘dating’ a lovely guy to being ‘in a relationship’ with a lovely guy which ought to be weird and scary but which is actually just natural and nice. You can spend years and years and years of your life dreading and avoiding something until one day the thing you were dreading and avoiding turns up and you are somehow glad that it did.

Hmmm. So the thing is that this time last year I was a bit mental. I was hiding, and jumping off tall things, and waiting for it all to be over. This time last year I wasn’t coping. As for now? Take that broken brain. I’m all better, and well, and IN YOUR FACE DEPRESSION. Oh and I seem to have remembered what the future feels like and it’s all cool….

I suppose the pertinent point at the moment is my upcoming birthday. What should I do? A big thing with all the people I know (scary), a medium thing with the important people (scary) a small thing with the old folks, or the new folks, or the wordpress folks. BUMS.

This isn’t the kind of song I usually share

Jelly tots xxxx

*To be fair, there is definitely a resemblance
**I could if I tried. But why try?

Posted in About today

Topsy turvy, wobble wobble

Well. It’s all been a bit topsy turvey, wobble wobble, WeeGee has a little think of late hasn’t it? Thanks for sticking by me and for putting up with me – I really appreciate that.

There’s been a lot going on, and I’ve kinda been skirting around it on my blog. I figured I might as well do a bit of a fill in the gaps post so that you all know where I’m at and so that I’ve taken the time to explain it all. It’s either that or do the whole ostrich routine. Which is boring……

I’m wobbling because I can’t control what’s going to happen and if ever anything is going to make me wobble it’s not being in charge of the future. A while ago, I decided I needed a break from dating because, you know, there was some thinking to do, and lessons to learn. And then Mr Awesome Thing Number Five turned up. Which wasn’t supposed to happen and which challenged the whole take a break thing.

So – why did I want to take a dating break?:

• Because I’m still, however well I’m doing, mental
• Because I actually like being alone
• Because I keep (quite deliberately) hooking up with inappropriate blokes – which proves the last two points
• Because everything ends and I can’t stand endings

Why don’t I want to take a break anymore?:

• Mental isn’t the end of the world
• Being alone isn’t exclusive to spending time with people
• Mr Awesome Thing Number Five isn’t inappropriate in anyway
• You have to do the thing before you get to the ending…..

Hmmm.

I guess I just have to wait and see don’t I?

Whilst we’re sort of on the subject I want to wrap Mr X up. He feels a long time ago, and I know he was inappropriate. If you ‘separate’ from your spouse but find yourself living with said spouse seven months later then you are clearly not ready to date. I knew that at the time, in my head at least. I’m not sad that things didn’t work out between Mr X and I, because they were never going to. I’m just sad I lost a friend, and I don’t really understand why meeting up for a cup of tea is so unspeakably impossible. Then again, as Mr Wise pointed out – that’s a useful lesson in how other people don’t always behave like WeeGee.

But back to Mr Awesome Thing Number Five. Well he’s sweet. And he’s lovely. And I think he’s going to tell me the truth.

And I’m terrified.

But I’m not going to hide.

Love you all lots and lots. Like jelly tots and tots.

Posted in About today

I want to be alone

You might have noticed that I’ve been a little bit wobbly of late. I could say that I don’t know why I’m wobbly but if I said that it would be a lie and I’m not much of a one for that. You might also have noticed that it’s THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. Well yeah, I’m not sleeping well on account of being a little bit wobbly and stuff like that……

I can’t pretend. I’m kind of, sort of, and mostly hiding in my little hidey hole. I like it here. It’s all easy, and safe, and no-one can get in. And my god, I wish it was that easy. Turns out that you can’t keep the world out by pretending it isn’t happening. That’s the thing about the world. It doesn’t stop. Not even when you want it to……

So – I met this guy. In an accidental fashion, as is always the way. And he’s sweet. And he’s lovely. And he’s funny. And he’s clever. And he’s already verging on too good to be true. And I keep thinking, as is my way, that I don’t deserve this. He’s a special person and special people always leave.
I’m kind of annoyed with myself because I know it didn’t ought to matter, and I know that this is my downfall. But what if, just for once in my life, I’m right? What if I stumbled across that special person who wants to live in my heart? Even for a little while?

But then I remember that I’m wrong.

I spent a long time wishing I wasn’t alone. And then I got used to it.

Posted in Recovery?

Ships with holes will sink

The first thing to say about today’s post is that it’s completely unrelated to the title. ‘Ships with holes will sink’ is the name of a song I’ve been listening to a lot recently, mainly because it seems to neatly sum up that thing I refer to as ‘the story of my life’. Needless to say it isn’t exactly cheerful, and I don’t suppose it’ll be everybody’s cup of tea but we might as well have a listen to get us started:

Count your lucky stars you got the acoustic version because the album track would have given you a sense of what it sometimes sounds like inside my head and it isn’t exactly easy listening……

Anyway – since last I blogged I’ve been doing what I’ve always been doing since last I blogged: having a nice little think. Sometimes I wonder if I might be the most thoughtful person on the planet but then I remember my blogging buddies and realise that I’m one of an elite few alien-people from planet mental. It makes a difference, doesn’t it? Knowing you’re not alone?

There was a point over the weekend when I felt like I was completely and utterly alone AND on the wrong planet. There were nasty little thoughts swimming around in my head and I was starting to feel something I hadn’t felt for a little while – hopeless. And then I thought something very important. I thought what would Mrs Mountain suggest? It turns out that you don’t have to see Mrs Mountain every week to get the benefit of her wisdom. I think that might be what you call progress.

I suppose all happened was that somebody got under WeeGee’s skin because they said something that seemed to prove all the terrible things that WeeGee thinks about her worthless self and her ugly black heart. The point I think is that the words said nothing whatsoever about WeeGee and awful lot about the person who said them. I’m so busy trying to see the good in people, and looking for a way to forgive them that I forget to remember that sometimes people say and do shitty things and it’s okay to be disappointed. You don’t have to turn it all back on yourself. More progress, I guess.

I’ve been thinking a lot about these claims I make about being ‘shy’ because Mr Trendy said that I’m probably the least shy person he knows. The point, I think, is that he’s right. I’m not shy at all. It’s just that shy is a handy thing to fall back on when people scare you, and when you want to hide, and when you want to avoid the start because you can’t bear the ending. I’ve never really thought of it that way before, but it seems like an important way to think about it.

The headline today, I guess, is that WeeGee is hanging on to her sense of self even though it’s easily shaken and that she’s still managing to learn brand new things about the way she operates out there in the world. You can’t say fairer than that.

Meanwhile in other news I’m a little bit fed up because it turns out that one of the initial side effects of light therapy is that your skin gets REALLY sore. Nothing else to report save that one of the other initial side effects of light therapy is getting a rather nice, Mediterranean looking tan. Swings and round abouts and all that……

Cheery bye, sweetie pies. WeeGee xoxoxoxoxo

Posted in Welcome to my world

Float on….

Do you know what I’ve got today? I’ve got no patience. As in none whatsoever. As in World Shut Your Mouth. As in can WeeGee just be left in peace and quiet hiding in her little hidey hole pretending that the world doesn’t exist? By the way, if the answer to that question turns out to be no there’s going to be an awful lot of swearing in WeeGee land and one or two (or three) idiots might get poked in the eye. Why is there never a shortage of idiots? Will it ever be socially acceptable to poke an idiot in the eye? More to the point could I poke an idiot in the eye and blame it on the fact I’m mental AND I’ve got no patience today?

Notwithstanding the lack of patience and the prevalence of idiots I’ve actually been having a nice little think since I last blogged. I’ve been thinking about all kinds of things like how you probably have to get to know me really well before you realise that my intensity is really only an exaggeration of something far more sensible. And about how I promised myself that I wasn’t going to cling on to things that make me feel small, or insignificant, or unhappy. And about how the story doesn’t end until you’re dead. And about how I hope it’s a very long time before I wind up dead. And about how I always loved stories anyway…..

Before we go any further we should probably have a song because I’ve got a couple for you today and I don’t want to have to squeeze them all in at the end. This one is a funny one, in that it’s very old and it isn’t really up my usual street but it makes me happy when I hear it. I don’t know why it lifts my heart –I’d guess that it was some kind of long forgotten positive association if it hadn’t been in the charts when WeeGee was kicking about with Mr Fylde, or rather when WeeGee was getting kicked about by Mr Fylde* so there wasn’t a lot of positive stuff going on at the time. Anyway – after a very long and perhaps unnecessary introduction here is a song that lifts WeeGee’s heart for no apparent reason:

Did it make you smile too? Anyway – back to my nice little think…..

A lot of my nice little think has been about how so much of life turns on being in the right place at the right time, or the wrong place at the wrong time, or the right place at the wrong time, or the wrong place at the right time. I suppose it’s been making me sad because if you don’t believe in fate, or destiny or stuff like that the chances of the right place and time colliding start to feel like a billion to one shot and that makes me think maybe it’ll always feel a little bit wrong and I don’t like that thought very much. But it doesn’t matter if it’s sad, because it just makes sense. Ho Hum.

On a more positive note my little think has led me to conclude that it’s time I started thinking about letting Mr X start fall out of my head: the less you think about someone the less you think about them if you see what I mean. On the one hand, I’m aware that no one ever completely falls out of WeeGee’s head which means Mr X will probably pop up being all nice and easy and making me wonder ‘what if’ from time to time. On the other hand I’ve come to learn that there are far worse things in life than ‘what if’. On which note, here’s another song. It’s one of my favourites, because it makes me think about the way how tomorrow keeps coming, and how life rolls on regardless:

Meanwhile in other news I recently discovered that if your best friend talks you into logging back into an online dating site ‘to see what’s going on’ and you do and find yourself ruling perfectly nice looking people out on account of such ridiculous criteria as

• Lives in Shoreditch
• Is wearing a hat
• Wouldn’t suit pink**
• Looks like he’d wear sunglasses indoors
• Thinks Coldplay counts as music***
• Looks a bit like Mr Friendly which means he also looks a bit like Mr X which means I really can’t be bothered with that

there was no point in your best friend talking you into logging back into an online dating site because you are clearly not at all interested in what’s going on. Nothing else to report save that we might as well end with a song, because it’s traditional and because it’s AWESOME:

That’s all from me. I’m still thinking. And still getting there. And still learning lessons every step of the way.

Love you all lots and lots and lots, WeeGee xoxoxoxox

*I know that seems a bit flippant. I’m allowed to be because it’s my story
**Suiting pink is an important criteria in WeeGee land
***This one isn’t really ridiculous

Posted in Welcome to my world

Get me away from here I’m dying

Today I have mostly been having one of my little thinks because it seemed as good a time as any for me to have one of my little thinks. I do so love my little thinks – they’re a bit like Belle and Sebastian in that they always make everything feel better:

I’ve been thinking about what comes next for WeeGee because if the past year has been about finding myself, I suppose the next year should be about deciding what to do with the self I’ve managed to find. Getting better is about steadiness and regiment and routine. Staying better is about letting go of those things so that life can intervene.

If I hadn’t been so poorly I’d probably have done all kinds of things by now but there’s no use crying over spilt milk. The fact remains that I was poorly and you can’t do all kinds of things when you’re poorly. Here’s the thing: I’m not poorly any more…..

So what is next? A new challenge in my career is definitely on the cards. I love my job, but I’m too firmly in my comfort zone and I’m capable of an awful lot more. Maybe it’s about time I gave in and surrendered to my love for the law….. Maybe it’s time I started earning the spondoolies my brain is capable of earning for me?

There’re also one or two creative projects that deserve my attention. A brand new foodie blog for a start, not to mention the book. I don’t think you get to be an English graduate without having a book in your heart but it takes a bit of effort to make it happen. Thing is, I’m not short of effort.

Finally there’s where I’m going to live, and the places I’m going to see. I don’t think I want to live in London anymore. It’s not my city, and I never belonged here and I need to find a new home. As for the places I need to see? Lets have Florence and San Francisco to get us started. The world is my lobster.

I’ve made a lot of peace during my little think. Peace with my friends, and peace with my heart. It always turns out well in the end because if its not well it hasn’t ended yet.

I want to end by taking my hat off to Mr Friendly – the most brilliant human being that ever there was. I wish I could bottle him up, and share him around because Mr Friendly is exactly what the mental people need. He’s as close as you ever get to the shore because he’s the only person who’ll take the time to get to know how the only thing you need is news quiz. Or rather he’s the only person with the patience to let you be, no matter who you happen to be.

Cheerio xoxoxo

Posted in Recovery?

Hope is important: an update

I’ve written this post in my head about a million times over the past few months, but every time I sit down to write it I end up writing a different one instead. I’m not sure why – maybe I wanted to be circumspect for a change, or maybe I was worried that in writing the post I’d tempt fate, and jinx things, and somehow mess everything up. As is my way. Except, of course, that isn’t ‘my way’ at all. It’s a ridiculous conflation of past events that have no bearing on the here and now whatsoever.

When you start to remember to leave the past behind the future starts to feel a whole lot brighter……

I’ve been thinking about journeys again, insofar as that life is a only a journey and the only thing that anybody truly hopes for is not to reach the destination until they are very old, and they’ve done all the things, and been all the places, and read all the books, and met all the people they were supposed to.

As for my journey so far? Well, it hasn’t exactly been a happy journey but I’m content with that. Maybe I had to lead myself in and out and back into the wilderness so that I could get to this point – feeling confident that the next time the wilderness starts to beckon my brain is going to have all the ammunition it needs to save me. That’s what a lifetime being mental is all about – finally learning how to save yourself.

You probably think Mr Wise got his name because he’s wise which is only a little bit true because Mr Wise is wise in a very special way. Not many people have the kind of wisdom he does because not many people spend years of their lives battling their demons so that they can learn how to save themselves. As you know, Mr Wise saved me at least three billion squillion times. What I’ve never told you is that every single time he did he told me that one day I would learn how to save myself. I didn’t tell you because I wasn’t ready to believe him. But he was right.

Life is going to throw all kinds of stuff at me and my brain, I know that. What I also know is that I’m going to take it on the chin, keep an eye on my priorities and survive it. I’m not going to sweat the small stuff anymore, because I figured out what matters and how to keep it so that it always matters so much more than the small stuff.

I’m not so naive that I think I’ll never have a grey day again, and I’ll tell you what, I truly hope that my AWESOME days aren’t over with just yet. But I’ve found insight and perspective and I don’t plan on letting go. If you’re an ex smoker you might understand because there comes a point in the quitting process when you know in your heart that you’ve done it. I feel a bit like that about jumping off tall things, and hiding in bed for weeks, and starving myself to death, and carving my limbs up just because I can. I’m never going to have to do any of that again.

At this point in my journey I know that I matter just as much as other people. I know that an emotional attachment isn’t a bad thing. I know that taking a risk isn’t the same as being reckless. I know that I’m always going to be a bit vulnerable. I know that I’m always going to be strong. I know that nobody lets you down on purpose. I know that feelings grow but never ought to consume you. I know that I’m the only person who can hold myself together and save me. The last one is a big one because I wasted so much time thinking someone else would come to my rescue instead of getting stuck in and taking care of myself.

I also know something I knew all along, the one thing I never lost sight of, or let go of: Hope Is Important. Hope is what carries your heart when it’s too heavy for you to bear anymore.

I’m going to hold on to hope and that way I’ll always be able to save myself.

Love, WeeGee xoxoxo