Tag: Eating disorders

Posted in Recovery?

Hope is important: an update

Posted on by WeeGee

I’ve written this post in my head about a million times over the past few months, but every time I sit down to write it I end up writing a different one instead. I’m not sure why – maybe I wanted to be circumspect for a change, or maybe I was worried that in writing the post I’d tempt fate, and jinx things, and somehow mess everything up. As is my way. Except, of course, that isn’t ‘my way’ at all. It’s a ridiculous conflation of past events that have no bearing on the here and now whatsoever.

When you start to remember to leave the past behind the future starts to feel a whole lot brighter……

I’ve been thinking about journeys again, insofar as that life is a only a journey and the only thing that anybody truly hopes for is not to reach the destination until they are very old, and they’ve done all the things, and been all the places, and read all the books, and met all the people they were supposed to.

As for my journey so far? Well, it hasn’t exactly been a happy journey but I’m content with that. Maybe I had to lead myself in and out and back into the wilderness so that I could get to this point – feeling confident that the next time the wilderness starts to beckon my brain is going to have all the ammunition it needs to save me. That’s what a lifetime being mental is all about – finally learning how to save yourself.

You probably think Mr Wise got his name because he’s wise which is only a little bit true because Mr Wise is wise in a very special way. Not many people have the kind of wisdom he does because not many people spend years of their lives battling their demons so that they can learn how to save themselves. As you know, Mr Wise saved me at least three billion squillion times. What I’ve never told you is that every single time he did he told me that one day I would learn how to save myself. I didn’t tell you because I wasn’t ready to believe him. But he was right.

Life is going to throw all kinds of stuff at me and my brain, I know that. What I also know is that I’m going to take it on the chin, keep an eye on my priorities and survive it. I’m not going to sweat the small stuff anymore, because I figured out what matters and how to keep it so that it always matters so much more than the small stuff.

I’m not so naive that I think I’ll never have a grey day again, and I’ll tell you what, I truly hope that my AWESOME days aren’t over with just yet. But I’ve found insight and perspective and I don’t plan on letting go. If you’re an ex smoker you might understand because there comes a point in the quitting process when you know in your heart that you’ve done it. I feel a bit like that about jumping off tall things, and hiding in bed for weeks, and starving myself to death, and carving my limbs up just because I can. I’m never going to have to do any of that again.

At this point in my journey I know that I matter just as much as other people. I know that an emotional attachment isn’t a bad thing. I know that taking a risk isn’t the same as being reckless. I know that I’m always going to be a bit vulnerable. I know that I’m always going to be strong. I know that nobody lets you down on purpose. I know that feelings grow but never ought to consume you. I know that I’m the only person who can hold myself together and save me. The last one is a big one because I wasted so much time thinking someone else would come to my rescue instead of getting stuck in and taking care of myself.

I also know something I knew all along, the one thing I never lost sight of, or let go of: Hope Is Important. Hope is what carries your heart when it’s too heavy for you to bear anymore.

I’m going to hold on to hope and that way I’ll always be able to save myself.

Love, WeeGee xoxoxo

Posted in Recovery?

Being without feeling

Posted on by WeeGee

This is the news: WeeGee is happy. As in happy, and she knows it, and she really wants to show it. Clap, clap…….

The thing about being depressed is that you’re constantly aware that you’re depressed. Depression is always there, casting it’s long shadow, and controlling every little thing that you do. The thing about being happy is that you hardly notice it save for in those moments when it all comes together and the little smile you’re carrying about in your heart turns up on your face without you even meaning it to.

I used to think (or at least I thought for a long time) that happiness was about nothing more than moments and that the best you could ever hope for was ‘being without feeling’ punctuated by a few moments of ‘happy’ and even more moments of ‘sad’. It occurred to me today that I only thought that because I was depressed. Depression kills hope – that’s how it works, how it keeps hold of you for so long, how it takes over your life.

Now I know that happiness is about more than a few random moments in life – happiness exists in the moments you remember you’re happy the rest of the time. Happiness is what happens when the chinks of light get through so hope can grow. Happiness is safe, and warm, and content even when sad creeps in – it’s what helps you chase the sad away.

Happiness is being without having to worry about feeling.

I could lose myself trying to figure out where happy came from – it could be this thing, or that thing; or person x, or person y. Christ it might just be the happy pills. But what if (and this, I think is the likeliest) it’s about everything coming together and fighting a path back to my tired black heart so the sunshine can find it’s way through again? It’s pretty AWESOME when you come to think about it.

I leave you tonight with a sad little song, maybe the saddest song I’ve ever heard. The moral of the story? WeeGee is always going to love a sad song no matter how happy she is. Which is really just to say that she always comes back to herself in the end.

Love you lots and lots xoxoxo

Posted in About today

A whole load of awesome awesomeness

Posted on by WeeGee

Today I have been mostly flying by the seat of my pants. I’m usually pretty good at flying by the seat of my pants but emailing a duly signed contract out at 16.58 when the deadline is 17.00 is a little bit too seat of my pants even for my liking. I’ll tell you what though – when you spend most of your working day feeling a bit on edge you’re left with vast quantities of energy at the end of it. And vast quantities of energy in WeeGee land can mean only one thing: A whole load of AWESOME AWESOMENESS. I do enjoy the odd bout of AWESOME AWESOMENESS.

I suppose I should write something sensible about the last couple of days because I think sense left the building for a while resulting in a couple of nonsensical posts. The pressure is really on now, isn’t? I’ve only gone and promised that I’ll say something sensible when you are well aware that there can be no such guarantees as far as WeeGee is concerned….. Anyway – the first sensible thing to say is that I made a bit of a mistake – that age old WeeGee mistake of responding far too strongly to the words and actions of other people. The second sensible thing to say is that I’m going to try and remember not to make that mistake again because WeeGee knows far better than to let the words and actions of other people overwhelm her so much that she hides in her hidey hole for a few days.

To be fair, the past few days haven’t been all bad – mostly I’ve just been feeling quiet, thoughtful and not much in the mood for human company. I’ve decided that it is definitely okay to feel like that every once in a while because everybody needs some space from time to time. Even the mental people. Allowing myself to have some space to feel quiet, and think about things, and come to one or two decisions is a positive thing because it means I’ve finally turned into the kind of person who can give herself space, feel a bit quiet, have a little think and make some decisions without considering leaping off a tall thing whilst she’s about it. I guess what I’m saying is that WeeGee’s progress continues apace which I’m sure you’ll agree is pretty damn AWESOME.

As for today? AWESOMENESS has been the order of the day. I’ve bounced around all over the place getting things done, and being hilarious, and maybe being a teeny tiny bit irritating because although a bouncing WeeGee is all AWESOME and super efficient, she is also a teeny tiny bit irritating. Hey – at least I’m upfront about my faults 😀 My only regret this week is that when I was in hiding mode I decided not to make any exciting social plans but it’s only a small regret because I’ve got Masterchef to keep me entertained and a mostly AWESOME Bank Holiday weekend to look forward.

Meanwhile in other news I suppose I should confess that along with the bouncing around comes a little touch of recklessness which means I’ve had to promise not to do anything reckless like dye my hair blue, or have a full facial tattoo, or buy a brand new Audi on hire purchase. Nothing else to report save that the sun is shining, WeeGee is feeling AWESOME and all is well with the world.

Cheerie bye my sweetie pies xoxoxxo

Posted in About today

World. Shut. Your. Mouth.

Posted on by WeeGee

I’ve been feeling a bit ‘world shut your mouth’ for the past couple of days which would be a total pain in the arse if only I could bring myself to care. I hate feeling like this but I’m consoling myself with the fact that I only feel like this for a couple of days at a time now which is infinitely better than it being the perpetual state of affairs for months and months at a time. What a bleak way of looking on the bright side.

When I got up this morning I decided it was high time that WeeGee had herself a bit of a hide because when you’re feeling a bit ‘world shut your mouth’ and your brain is full of thoughts and feelings that you can’t figure out a bit of a hide is the only thing for it.

Sometimes you have to stop the world so you can find a way to make sense of your place in it……

As to whether I feel any better at the end of my hide? Who knows. I’m still a little tired of the world, but maybe not as tired as I was to start with. Perhaps that’s just the way it goes, and I simply have to get used to being tired of the world and the people in it every once in a while. It’s a shame because I much prefer it when everything is AWESOME.

I suppose I managed to remember one or two things – like how worrying is pointless, and how I can only ever be the person I am, and how I can’t stop the thoughts but I can choose what to do with them. Spot the lifetime in counselling. I wonder if that’s the problem? Maybe I’m tired of the fact that my tendency to being mental always has to shape the way I live my life.

I know that things are getting under my skin at the moment and that I ought not to let them but it really doesn’t work like that. Maybe I am a bit ‘clucky’ but it’s not the sort of thing your best friend ought to point out to you, all things considered. Maybe I would be a ‘high flier’ at work if I didn’t have the problems I do – but where does knowing that get me? Maybe wearing my heart on my sleeve is going to leave me hurting – but it’s always lived there and I don’t know where else to put it.

Today I think I’d like it if running away was an option. I’d happily board a spaceship and cross my fingers that I ended up landing amongst my kin. I’ve been wondering if there’s such a thing – WeeGee’s kin that is – because it occurs that I’m really lonely even though my life is filled full of people.

Meanwhile in other news there is nothing else to report save that I love you all lots like jelly tots. Oh. And I’ll be back tomorrow being even more AWESOME than before.

WeeGee xoxoxo

Posted in About today

WeeGee has a bit of a birthday

Posted on by WeeGee

Once upon a time WeeGee didn’t write a blog but then one day she decided to start one. And it was one of the smartest decisions she ever made……

It isn’t often that you know exactly what you were doing this time last year and it usually isn’t a good thing when you do. Up until now, my anniversaries have always been sad – the anniversary of someone leaving, or something ending, or something sad happening. Today is something of a novel anniversary for me because today marks the one year anniversary of my blog. That, by the way, is a very happy anniversary.

I suppose the first thing to note is that my blog has survived this long. It wasn’t one of my fads which was all AWESOME in one of my awesome moments and forgotten the next. I’ve managed to see it through, to tend it, and let it grow. That in itself marks WeeGee coming along quite nicely thank you very much.

But it’s so much more than that. Blogging has been good for me. Writing the experience of my life has been the most valuable tool I’ve ever found in terms of getting, and keeping myself well. Having a blog to keep up to date forces me to live in the moment and to remember that life is nothing more than a series of moments brought together. Blogging has taught me more than I ever thought I’d know about the holy grail that is the ‘here and now’.

When I started writing my blog this time last year I was at a very low ebb. I wanted to make it, but didn’t know if I could. I was in a bad place – I wanted to be dead, I didn’t care about anything, I was on first name terms with the staff in my local A&E. It was only a matter of time before I did myself a serious mischief.

And then there’s now. I don’t want to be dead, and I care about more things that I could possibly mention. Better still it’s months since I last turned up at A&E to be patched up, or put right, or because I had nowhere else to go. The best of all? I want to be alive and the things I care about are AWESOME.

A year on and I’m doing well. It’s been a fantastic journey and I love all of the people I’ve connected with along the way. It strikes me that my online life mirrors my real life in that I’ve always been really lucky when it comes to friends.

So anyway, this is WeeGee checking in one year later. She’s still a bit vulnerable and wonky. But mostly she’s eating the elephant because that’s what this year has been all about.

All you can do is the right things. It can, and does, get better in time.

Love you all lots like jelly tots xoxoxo

Posted in Moving forwards

An awesome little weekend

Posted on by WeeGee

Okay, so before you say it, I know I should be asleep. I tried to be asleep but it wasn’t quite happening so I decided to get up and do something instead of lying in bed thinking ‘I wish I was asleep’. The thing about lying in bed wishing you were asleep is that there is no surer way of keeping yourself awake. That, by the way, is one of those important lessons I’ve learned along the way.

Apart from being awake when I should probably be asleep I don’t have a single cause for complaint. Yep. You heard me right: I don’t have a SINGLE cause for complaint. How brilliant is that? I’ve got myself over one of my little wobbles without jumping off any tall things, or accidentally on purpose starving myself, or hurting myself, or hiding in my little hidey hole. I did all of the right things AND IT WAS ALRIGHT IN THE END. It shouldn’t be surprising – if you do the right things for long enough eventually everything will be right. One of these days I’m going to remember not to forget that one……

Do you know what I did this weekend? I went and had myself an AWESOME little weekend filled with the company of the AWESOME people I care about, like Mr Friendly, and Mrs Sparkle, and Mr X. I even managed to fit in a spot of WeeGee pottering along quite nicely all by herself. Which brings me onto the next thing that I forget to remember: WeeGee needs to balance the time she spends alone and the time she spends with the people she cares about because if the balance tips too far in either direction WeeGee goes a bit mental. Too much time alone and I’m prone to hiding. Which is rubbish. Too much time with other people and I get overwhelmed and start soaking them up and forgetting to be me. Which is also rubbish.

I suppose I should do a bit of a Mr X update because I know how you love a bit of gossip. Well…. I’m pleased to report that Mr X and I are coming along quite nicely thank you very much. The time we spend together is always time well spent – happy and content and above all else, easy. It really isn’t easy for me to feel that being with someone is easy because I’m usually too busy being confused, or frightened, or suspicious for easy to get a look in. As daft as it sounds, I’m really enjoying easy.

The nicest thing of all about Mr X, is that I’m not all carried away with it. Right now, I’m lucky enough to be dating a really, really lovely guy* and I’m enjoying getting to know him and letting him get to know me. We’re having a good time and we’re smiling, and we’re laughing and we’re skirting around the big stuff in a natural and organic way**. We’re telling each other the truth and slowly coming to trust one another without being foolish. In a nutshell? So far so good. It isn’t any more complicated than that, because it doesn’t have to be. And that’s all I’ve got to say about that.

Meanwhile in other news I visited Hampton Court Maze today which was excellent fun, but also planted the seed of a thought about negotiating your way through the maze that is being alive. I might come back to that one in another post, because I probably need to have one of my little thinks before I can make any sense out of it……

Nothing else to report today save that I wondered if you’d like to hear a pretty little song. It’s kinda sad, but also kinda not and I happen to be a little bit in love with it:

Loadsa love from WeeGee McImightsleepnow xoxoxox

*who also happens to be really rather handsome. Just saying.
**we’ve even broached the Bristol scale. Which will either mean something to you, or it won’t. No need to google it. Seriously…..

Posted in Welcome to my world

In which WeeGee tries to be coherent (and might fail)

Posted on by WeeGee

Good evening everybody.

I thought it was high time I did a proper update because my last few posts have been a bit existential, and topsy turvey, and – let’s face it – nonsensical. What can I say? I got a little lost in it all for a while there…..

It’s easy to get lost isn’t it? It occurs that ‘getting lost’ has nothing to do with being mental – it’s just one of those things that happens every once in a while because we’re all as mixed up as each other. My trouble, I guess, is that when I get a bit ‘mixed up’ I see it all unfolding before me, and coming down the tracks, and getting bigger and heavier all the time. And then it ends up with me jumping off a tall thing because that’s the way it always used to be. The lesson I have to learn is that it doesn’t have to be that way because I’m over that stuff now.

Sometimes all you need is a bit of perspective: a reminder of who you are now instead of the constant marker of who you used to be. Who you used to be, I think, is the only person who’ll stop you being who you’re going to be so its important that you don’t dwell on that person too much. You have to move on – always forwards, always without the past and the old you mucking it all up.

It’s ages since I mentioned any of the significant others in my life because my head’s been full of me, and how lost I get, and how difficult it can be. Today I’m going to mention Mr Friendly who never loses patience, who always points me in the right direction, and who is possibly more of a politics geek than I am. I’m glad he’s in my life. I should also mention Mr Wise AKA WeeGee’s dad who has got her this far and still sees the funny side. I’m glad he’s in my life too. As for Mrs Sparkle – where on planet mental would I be without her? Everybody needs a Mrs Sparkle in their life, with her boxes of wine and cups of tea and HUGE hugs, and the ability never to say I told you so even when she clearly did ‘told you so’. When you’ve got people like that in your life it doesn’t ever have to be difficult. I’m glad for all the people I have in my life.

I guess there’s also Mr X who is a sorta significant other. I think I maybe got a bit lost in that which isn’t to say he isn’t significant – it’s just that I’ve already got people who point me in the right direction, and who see the funny side, and who administer cups of tea. I can’t put the whole of the old WeeGee on someone new, but I can let them know ME. Me now as I really and not as what I used to be. Maybe he’ll like it, maybe he won’t but I don’t mind so long as I know the real me is the me who’s shining through. I want him to know me, now and as I am. And that’s who I’m going to be.

Did this make any more sense than my recent posts? In my head it does and maybe that’s all I can hope for.

In brief? It’s going to be okay, one way or another, so long as WeeGee is okay. And she will be.

Cheery-bye xoxoxo

Posted in Recovery?

The wise wisdom of WeeGee

Posted on by WeeGee

Today I have mostly been having quite a big little think. Quite a big little think is a new one on me but it might be okay because it ended with a spot of wise WeeGee wisdom and you can’t really say fairer than that now can you?

It was a good day to have a big little think because it was Mrs Mountain day and given last week’s non starter of a session I was totally up for it today. All of the old questions seemed to have evaporated by the time I got to New Malden today and I only wanted to talk about two things – two very important questions:

Question one: Who is WeeGee?

Question two: What does WeeGee want?

Big questions but I suppose that’s why I needed a big little think……

So. Who is WeeGee? Do you know what? She is exactly what she is. She’ll never be any more, and will certainly never be any less. Mostly she’ll bounce around being all AWESOME and caring about stuff and people and stuff but every so often it’ll all get a bit much for her so she’ll have to hide. Which is fine. She’ll bore on about books and politics and how windows 8 is a bit shit but she’ll listen if you want to bore on about other stuff too. If you’re good, or kind, or wise, or funny WeeGee is going to like you. ALOT. Whether you like it or not. She’ll always be a bit sad no matter how much happy stuff happens because WeeGee refuses to pretend that the sad stuff that happened doesn’t matter – you have to carry it with you. Which isn’t to say that WeeGee isn’t happy by the way.

And then there’s what WeeGee wants which isn’t easy at all. On the one hand WeeGee wants to make it all right even though its always going to be wrong. But then again maybe WeeGee is going to put it right anyway, without meaning to, without it looking like she did it to anyone but her.

Or maybe there’s what WeeGee REALLY wants. And it’s nothing more complicated than the shore. Something steady, and safe, and real. WeeGee might never find it – maybe there’s no such thing as peace. But at least she figured out what she’s looking for, and it doesn’t come any wiser than that.

And that there is the wise wisdom of WeeGee. Goodnight my lovelies xoxoxoxo

Ps. Enjoy this song. It makes my heart sing:

Posted in Moving forwards

Keeping on keeping on

Posted on by WeeGee

Today I have mostly been having a bit of a word with myself because broken brain was threatening to take charge and I decided that I wasn’t having any of that because when broken brain takes charge things start to get boring and WeeGee so hates it when things start to get boring.

Every once in a while I have to remind myself not to forget that I am a perfectly capable and determined individual* who quite likes being out there in the world doing my little thing. Sure – I’m a bit hypersensitive at times, and I’m prone to wobbling, and sinking, and crying uncontrollably, and saying really bad swear words just because I can. But if you look at it from another angle all that really says is that I care about stuff, and that I’m not afraid to let myself feel whichever feeling comes along, and that I know myself better than most. And that my ‘swearing like a navvy’ skills are particularly well developed.

It’s time for WeeGee to spring into action, take care of herself, and keep on keeping on like she always does. Cue a particularly amusing ‘I’m not fat so I can eat whatever I want to’ trip to the supermarket** a flat refusal to cancel any further plans on account of my alien brain, a great deal of WeeGee style hilarity in the office*** and a whole load of WeeGee AWESOMENESS thank you very much. In more sensible developments I made a appointment to see Mr Clever**** and had a bit of a chat with Mrs Worry about managing my workload between now and the wobble being completely over*****

Go me.

Today I have been reminded that honesty is always the best policy and that it’s okay to say ‘help’ if you need a little help, because its always out there if you ask. I’ve also remembered I’m a very lucky girl because the people in my life are good and kind people who are always there to hang onto my ankles so I don’t fall into the pit.

As for what all this wobbling has been about? The same thing it’s always about – control, or lack of control over the way I feel. The thing is, I either accept that I have people and opportunities in my life and hand over a bit of control, or I hide in my bed for the rest of my life pretending that there’s no such thing as other people or opportunities. Not much of a choice really, is it?

What’s that thing about life being about the journey and not the destination?

Meanwhile in other news I am very close to bouncing off the walls with excitement because I’m going to see the very marvellous Frank Turner TWO DAYS RUNNING. Hurrah! Nothing else to report today save that I’m going to end with a happy little song today because I decided it would make a nice little change.

Loads and loadsa love and hugs and penguins <(")******

WeeGee McKeepingKeepingOn xoxoxoxo

PS Pen: the asterisks are especially for you xoxoxox

*note the deliberate omission of the word human
**Who all wants some carbohydrates?
***It involved 'sticky bogies' and an acorn that looked like a poo. One of these days I'll grow up, but not yet.
****better safe than sorry I guess
****I refuse to get in a mess at work because that's just the beginning of the end.
******thanks to the lovely Rhio for the AWESOME penguin xoxoxox

Posted in Welcome to my world

Love, loyalty and laughter

Posted on by WeeGee

I really want to write a coherent and sensible post tonight but before I get to that there are one or two things I need to get off my chest:

Fucksticks (best swear word ever). Shitbags (close second). Arsehole (a good description of almost every man I ever met). Buggeration (but not literally*). Bastard (because why the hell not). Fuck, fuck, FUCKITY fuck (just to round it all off)

And breathe……

Today I have mostly been working very hard to make sure that the mentals don’t bite because I’m tired of all the mental stuff and because when it comes to dealing with the flat and empties nobody knows the drill better than I do. Besides, what’s the point of learning all the lessons I’ve been learning if I’m not prepared to listen to them when it really matters?

I’m in a funny place right now, but sadly it isn’t a funny haha kinda place. It’s funny in that I can see it for what it is, and know it, and understand it but still feel too frightened to do the thing I’m supposed to do to make it better because the thing I’m supposed to do to make it better wont feel better in the short term. Pah! And I said this would be sensible and coherent!

Oh dear oh dear. Can I have a hug?

I had plans tonight but I cancelled them because I wanted to be alone which is to say I wanted to hide from the world because I don’t like the world today and therefore want no part in it. That’s not a good sign. I know that. But hey – I’ve got what I got…. And at least I made it out of bed, and managed three square meals and have no intention of jumping out the window. That’s what WeeGee does when she doesn’t want the mentals to bite.

I’ve got plans tomorrow too, and the day after and the day after – which would feel like a life if only I wanted to have one. More to the point it would feel like a life if only I could trust myself to have it. Maybe I’ll cancel my plans and maybe I won’t. I still don’t know how best to keep myself safe. Smile and pretend, or cry and accept? Answers on the back of a postcard.

I had a long chat with Mr Wise earlier. It’s ages since I had a long chat with Mr Wise because it’s ages since I needed him. Mr Wise reminded me that I have to remember who I am and stick to it – if people don’t want my loyalty, or my love, or my laughter then they don’t want me and I can’t want people who don’t want me because that’s a recipe for disaster if ever there was one.

So I guess I have to hope for one of two things. Either my love and laughter and loyalty will win through and there’ll be a happy ending amidst the confusion, or there won’t be but It’ll still be okay in the end anyway. I’ve been okay before right?

All of this to say that I’m a bit uncertain and bleak but somehow hopeful because I can do uncertainty and bleak and come out the other side being all AWESOME and stuff. Wish me luck.

By way of goodbye why don’t you have a lovely little song – from my heart to yours:

Love you lots like jelly tots xoxoxoxoxo