Category: About today

Posted in About today

All of the feelings

Posted on by WeeGee

I’m finding being me quite interesting at the moment. I’ve been so used to feeling nothing but misery and now I have all of the feelings at my disposal and I’m feeling them all, often at the same time. Feeling all of the feelings at the same time is a little bit confusing but it’s also pretty damn AWESOME because there’s no room for extremities when the opposite feeling is swimming around at the same time – it’s like a natural mood stabiliser which comes in pretty handy when you’re mental and prone to being ‘a bit all over the place’

Perhaps you will have noticed that I’ve had several of my little thinks over the past week or so. I think my favourite bit about recovery is finally having the freedom to think about things without fear that I’m going to think myself to the edge of a cliff. I’m starting to figure things out – like who I’ve been and who I am and who I want to be.

I’m also starting to really understand what went wrong between Mr Friendly and I and have accepted that he didn’t make me any more happy than I made him but that I was too scared to admit that on account of black and white thinking and a strong emotional attachment. I also realise that an awful lot of that feeling small and insignificant thing I do lies firmly at the door of our relationship, because it wasn’t a relationship that made me feel valued, or loved, or remotely attractive. I think my brief encounter with Mr Smiley reminded me that there are all kinds of other guys out there, and all kinds of other relationships and it isn’t worth having a relationship that makes you feel the way I used to feel about myself.

I’ve also been having a rethink about online dating because I worked something out. I worked out what I’m looking for and what I’m looking for isn’t just someone to share my life with, or someone who will hold my hand and make me think I never want them to let go or even somebody who will have the patience to get to know me slowly and surely. What I really want is to meet my best friend and then fall in love with him in the fullness of time. And that realisation changes the way I go about things.

Anyway – that’s no matter. My lovely friend Mrs Sparkle is here again, because we had such a lovely girly Saturday last week that we decided to do it again. We have a lot of things to gossip about including:

  • Whether WeeGee dares to phone Mr I’m Quite Handsome and ask if he’d like to update her on the web portal over a glass of wine
  • Whether WeeGee can really go on a date with a guy who is younger than her brother who she refers to as her ‘little’ brother
  • Whether it is a good idea for WeeGee to go on a date with a psychologist who specialises in eating disorders

I know I moaned on about watching X Factor last week, but I’m looking forward to it tonight because it’s quite entertaining poking fun at Mrs Sparkle who is simultaneously cool enough to list stiff little fingers as her favourite band and tragic enough to be a little bit in love with James Arthur.

Meanwhile in other news, I have spent the last two months perfecting a risotto recipe but what’s the betting I don’t do it perfectly when I try to cook it for someone else? Nothing else to report today save that WeeGee is all back and bouncy and excitable again.

Lots of love, WeeGeeeeeeeee xxxx

Posted in About today

Rock and roll romance

Posted on by WeeGee

Before I go any further I have to share this song with you because it’s gorgeous and I’ve recently fallen in love with it (I’m sorry about the swearing at the start)

Okay, so that’s my Sir Frank moment out of the way for today…….

Today I am mostly being bored at work. I’m trying to fill in a baffling form about project ethics but I’m not having much luck with it on account of it being baffling. There’s only one section I can confidently complete but the person who asked me to fill in the form told me to leave that bit blank – apparently she can do that bit for me because ‘there are strict rules about data retention’ which is interesting considering that they’re MY EFFING RULES thank you very much missy. I’m not really used to being bored at work and I’m beginning to wonder if I gave too much of my work away. I’m also having a little worry about myself because it occurs that I continue to take a keen interest in the network project and that I was only pretending that I thought it was boring, and that I’d actually quite like it back now. Hmmm.

I suppose I should do a Mr Smiley update. Well – there shall be no happy ending for WeeGee and Mr Smiley which, on reflection, is a good thing because WeeGee had done that ‘black and white thinking thing’ and decided that she liked Mr Smiley which meant it didn’t matter what happened she wouldn’t stop liking him. So that there is lesson number one: WeeGee needs to remember to reserve judgement, and be prepared to not like people she wants to like. As to whether I really liked Mr Smiley – well I did, but maybe not as much as I thought I would, and in honesty, he made me feel a little nervous because I had a feeling he didn’t actually ‘get’ me and I felt like I was trying to please him. Which is lesson number two: it’s not a good idea for WeeGee to hang out with people who make her nervous and you can’t please all of the people all of the time. Finally, Mr Smiley said something to WeeGee which got under her skin and made alarm bells ring. The thing he said was this:

‘I think we’d probably get on great physically, but maybe not enough to talk about’

It got under my skin because I was transported back to life before Mr Friendly when the only thing WeeGee did was ‘get on great physically’ because WeeGee was sad and hurting, and had found a brand new way to hurt herself. I wondered if that was maybe where I was heading again but I decided that it definitely wasn’t because I’m bored of hurting myself on purpose. And then I wondered what it is that guys see when they see WeeGee and I wasn’t sure I liked the answer very much because I don’t really understand why you’d want to get on physically with someone you’re not terribly interested in. There’s a lesson there too, but I’m not sure I’ve figured it out yet. I’ll keep you posted. I suppose there are a couple of lessons about ‘face value’ and WeeGee being a little reckless too – but I think I knew those things all along.

Anyway – Mr Smiley goes down to experience but not in a bad way because it was a nice experience for the most part and I learned a few lessons along the way, and maybe I’ll have another friend to add to my collection which is always nice.

What else to tell you about? I could tell you about last night’s hilarious excitement but it was so hilarious and exciting that I’m going to keep it to myself and enjoy it for a little while longer. I should mention that I’m seeing Mr Friendly over the weekend which will be an interesting experience because this is the first time I’ve seen him knowing that even if he wanted to give things another go I wouldn’t. I think Mr Friendly might be surprised by who I’ve turned into because I think I’m exactly the person he was trying to stop me being for all that time we wasted together. I say wasted, but I mean it in a nice way, because it was a nice waste of time. Which makes me think that’s maybe all boys are – a nice way to waste your time!

Meanwhile in other news it’s Friday and I’ve got that Friday feeling which is novel because do you remember all those Fridays that I wished the weekend wouldn’t happen because I went mental at the weekend? Nothing else to report today save that I really must go and fill in my baffling form.

Lots of love from WeeGee

PS – told you there’d be two today 🙂

Posted in About today

Great Expectations (In which WeeGee would quite like a hug)

Posted on by WeeGee

I’m blogging from work even though it isn’t my lunch hour which isn’t like me at all. To cut a long story short I’m bored of what I’m doing* and Mr Hilarious isn’t around to distract me. It has occurred to me that I don’t like work nearly so much when Mr Hilarious isn’t around because a) it isn’t particularly hilarious without him b) Dan** is STILL going on about star wars Lego and Mr Hilarious is the only person who knows what to say to him about it and c) I could really rather do with a huge hug and someone not telling me ‘I told you so’ right about now.

Dear Mr Hilarious, Can you hurry up back from Reading because Mrs Bossy just said ‘Hang on a minute I’ll ask a young person…… WeeGee: What’s a DM – is it a DMail?’ and nobody thought it was funny. Lots and lots of love from WeeGee xxx P.S – please may I have a hug? Xx

Work is double rubbish and boring today because The Man Who Knows*** is hot desking in my office and he won’t stop boring on about all the stuff he claims to know but clearly doesn’t. If he doesn’t shut up soon I’m going to poke him in the eye, and then I’m going to poke him in the other one. And then I’m going to accidentally push him out the window – I’ve already opened it in preparation…..

Anyhow – I’m not posting to ramble on about work. I’m posting to let you know that WeeGee might finally have got to the bottom of all this ‘caring too much’ stuff because I did it, and now I’m feeling a little bruised and that’s exactly what everybody says happens when you care too much. I think I need to go back to the drawing board with ‘attachment’ and ‘boundary issues’ because I think I’m a little more wonky than I thought I was. The astute amongst you might have figured out that I’m talking about Mr Smiley. What can I say? Nothing actually because that’s all I’m prepared to say about that. I think I also need to go back to the ‘REALLY BAD SWEARWORD’S SAKE WEEGEE: WHAT IS IT WITH THIS WHOLE SHY NERVY THING?’ drawing board too, and as I’m still talking about Mr Smiley I guess that wasn’t all I was prepared to say but I’m definitely done with what I had to say now.

Moving swiftly on, I had my counselling session this morning. Mrs Mountain is also of the opinion that I’m doing well which is pretty cool. At the same time I think Mrs Mountain is also a bit more cautious than Mr Clever – I guess because she gets to see into my heart as well as my head which actually makes a lot of sense to me because it doesn’t matter how much better I get I’m probably always going to wear my heart on my sleeve and maybe I’m still not as good at taking care of it as I ought to be. I think that might be another drawing board actually!

I suppose the headline today is that I’m probably not okay, but that’s okay.. I have no intention of letting the mentals bite so I’m listening to the Gaslight Anthem**** and bouncing around seeing if I can raise a smile anywhere about the place***** and pretending that I don’t care.

Meanwhile in other news I was rather amused by the girl in the shop who asked whether she had to pay because there was ‘no money in the cash point and she didn’t want to use her card’******. Nothing else to report today save that how can somebody who sounds like this not be the most famous person on the planet?

Lots and lots of love WeeGee xoxoxox

PS Please may I have a hug?

*Which is basically little more than making a spreadsheet look pretty

**His real name because the only thing I could think of to call him was ‘Mr I’m so much of a geeky cliche that it actually hurts’ and that seemed a bit long for the purposes of this blog

***Have you met The Man Who Knows yet? He thinks he knows everything about everything but he doesn’t and I HATE HIM WITH A VENGENCE

****But not the acoustic version of Great Expectations because it makes me cry at the best of times*******

*****With some success I am pleased to report

******Of course I watched on with interest because if she’d got away with it I would have given it a go myself. Alas – Mr Shopkeeper Man was having none of it

*******And then I went and listened to it anyway

Posted in About today

In which WeeGee has a small wobble

Posted on by WeeGee

Yesterday I was having one of my little thinks about some stuff that I didn’t want to talk about. Unfortunately my little think didn’t turn out so well in the end and today I am mostly having a huge crisis of faith. Sigh…..

In some ways I feel more like myself than I have for a very long time, but at the same time I’m beginning to wonder if you can actually know who you are if you’ve spent the last two years of your life hiding from the world and wishing, more than anything, that you could will yourself to die in the night. I keep thinking about all the time I’ve lost – the time that I’ve filled up with nothing; the time that everybody else filled up with lots of different somethings and I end up feeling all small and insignificant again.

I suppose this is just WeeGee getting a bit scared because a second date feels like a fairly big deal in her book. It’s probably little more than a natural crisis of faith and I’ll get myself through it and then wonder what all of the fuss was about. I think maybe I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed, not by Mr Smiley but by the way that I feel about Mr Smiley and all the other stuff that I’m feeling and trying to make sense of.

When I’m overwhelmed I hide, and I don’t want to hide – not now. So I’m posting this one for the sake of posterity and as a little public promise to myself: WeeGee will not go into hiding, and will not feel small and insignificant, and will definitely go to dinner later and will almost certainly have a perfectly super time.

Wish me luck

Lots of love from a slightly wobbly WeeGee xxxxxx

Posted in About today

Monday update

Posted on by WeeGee

From time to time, there are things in my head that I know I will never mention anywhere, not even on my blog. Some of those things are swimming around in my head at the moment, so writing today’s instalment might prove a little more challenging than is usually the case……

I promised some of my readers a little bit of an update following yesterday’s meet-up with Mr Smiley. Well – I had a really rather lovely time and thinking about it now I’ve realised that it’s actually a very long time since I last had a lovely time. I quite like having a really rather lovely time by the way. Mr Smiley is ace: lovely and smiley and the kind of guy you are ALWAYS pleased to see* He’s also the kind of guy that brings someone he has never met a really thoughtful gift back from his holiday. Oh and he’s excellent at hugs – and everybody knows how much WeeGee loves hugs. I was a bit disappointed that I kept coming over all shy, but I don’t think it’s going to be a huge problem because Mr Smiley seems to be the kind of guy** who will be patient enough to wait for me to come out of my shell, and I know that I always do in the end. Anyhow – we’re meeting again on Wednesday evening, so I obviously didn’t scare him off completely…..

My mood today is so strange that I don’t actually know how to record it on the mood chart. On the one hand I’m happy and bouncy and absolutely fine and on the other hand my broken brain is going ‘Oi WeeGeee – I’m still here’ It’s broken brain that’s coming up with the stuff I will never mention, and it’s also throwing in the more usual peripheral nonsense for good measure. I’ve decided to ignore broken brain for today because I’m tired, it’s cold and rainy, and because things probably feel a bit heavier today on account of the fact that they didn’t feel heavy at all yesterday.

On a positive note, I decided that I needed to talk to my line manager about my workload. It was starting to get a bit out of hand and I’m determined not to get overwhelmed at work again, especially when other things in my life are going so well. We agreed that my workload was slightly ridiculous and then made a little plan to farm some of it out to the managers with lighter loads than me. The good news is that I’ve lost the boring network tender/procurement project*** and kept hold of my shiny SharePoint one. I also remembered to ‘shout up’ when the going got tough so I feel like I’m still managing to take care of myself and put my health before everything else.

Meanwhile in other news I had to stand outside in the rain for a whole hour for a fire drill at lunchtime which I did not enjoy because a) it was freezing cold b)I was in a meeting when the alarm sounded and none of my colleagues thought to bring my coat down for me**** and c) it meant that I didn’t get a lunch break until 3.30pm. Nothing else to report save that I am delighted that my alien brain twin Carrie from Hello Sailor has returned to the WordPress fold because I’ve missed her.

Lots of love and a small touch of the flat and empties, WeeGee xxxxxxx

PS I’m sorry the title is a bit lame but I couldn’t think of anything else!

*Unless he’d done something REALLY BAD but even then you probably wouldn’t stay angry for long

**He seems to be quite a lot of ‘kind of guys’

***Because it has NOTHING to do with my job anyway and I was only doing it as a favour

****If people are out of the office when the fire alarm goes off I ALWAYS remember to take their coats down. B******s

Posted in About today

Leap and a net will appear

Posted on by WeeGee

Today WeeGee went on a date with Mr Smiley and WeeGee is pleased to report that a) Mr Smiley is exactly who he appeared to be, b) this is clearly not an elaborate rouse to steal WeeGee’s (non-existent) money and c) WeeGee has not been murdered yet.

I’d love to write more but for now here’s a quick summary…..

  • Number of times WeeGee nearly didn’t get to her date because she was panicking: about a million
  • Number of times WeeGee ‘went a bit shy’ during her date: about a million and a half
  • Number of rubbish things about WeeGee’s date: Zero
  • Number of AWESOME things about WeeGee’s date: Everything else.

Told you I had a bit of a feeling about this….. Leap and a net will appear 🙂

Lots of love from WeeGee xoxoxoxox

 

Posted in About today

Panic on the streets of London*

Posted on by WeeGee

You know that worrying thing I sometimes do? Well it started to edge towards sheer, blind panic this afternoon and in the end Mrs Sparkle had to say for [really bad swear word] sake’s WeeGee – I’m coming over to keep you company before you panic yourself to death or something  and in the meantime can you please not panic and cancel your date?

To be fair I haven’t been panicking all day – in fact I have spent most of the day feeling perfectly content being by myself keeping myself company. Which is nice. I had a little wander along the river to Kingston and enjoyed thinking how much nicer the river is when you’re not thinking about jumping into it. I also started to realise that I am becoming increasingly irritated by grown women wearing those stupid hats with ears and a face on them. I know it’s supposed to be sweet and endearing, but it isn’t. It looks slightly ridiculous**

I rambled quite happily around the shops in Kingston.*** The thing about both living and working in a place is that if you go out at the weekend you bump into loads of people you work with. Sometimes it’s a bit irritating, but today I had a FAB time saying hey to all the work people including ‘Mrs I’ve no idea what your name is or what you do but I’m going to say hey anyway because I vaguely recognise you from work’. It was the first time in a long time, perhaps even ever, that I thought to myself ‘well this is nice – I belong here’

The panicking started growing when I got back when I realised it was nearly Saturday night which meant it was nearly Sunday morning which meant I was nearly going to meet Mr Smiley IN THE REAL WORLD. I’d love to do one of my little lists of all the things I’ve been panicking about but there is simply not enough space in the blogosphere for that….

Anyway, Mrs sparkle is here now**** which is good because a) every time I panic she says ‘don’t panic’ b) she brought chocolate and c) she has volunteered to be in charge of making the tea. It is bad because she is a) FORCING me to watch X Factor***** b) insisting on reading out a load of POINTLESS horoscope compatibility things and c) not actually that good at making the tea.

Meanwhile in other news we still can’t make up our minds between the plain black dress, the one with flowers on it or the one with birds on it. Nothing else to report save that although I am a little panicky it’s actually quite a good panicky

Lots of panicky but not in a bad way love from WeeGee xxxxxx

PS – wish me luck

*I thought a Smiths song as a title would make up for the Elton John one I did earlier in the week. Am I all cool again?

**Of course, if you own such a hat it doesn’t look ridiculous on you. It’s just all the other people who look ridiculous

***Resisting the strong urge to sort people’s poppies out for them. How can you not know that a poppy goes on the left hand side with the leaf pointing to 11 o’clock? How can WeeGee resist so many OCD tendencies?

****It might sound rude to be blogging when I’ve got company, but in my defence Mrs Sparkle is currently using up my Internet to stalk people on Facebook and poke them and fling sheep at them and stuff. Or whatever it is the kids do on facebook nowadays

*****I’ve just watched four small boy children singing about fixing people and I’d quite like to puke now if it’s all the same to you

Posted in About today

Lucky pants

Posted on by WeeGee

After two very rubbish days at work I decided there was only one thing for it: lucky pants. They appear to have done the trick because today is very definitely not going to be a rubbish day at work.

I received my summons to Mrs Scary Boss Lady’s office this morning and after much faffing around under my desk to find some suitably high footwear (more about my footwear shortly) I attended Boss Lady’s office and explained, as I was required to, what had gone wrong. And then Mrs Scary Boss Lady said something I really wasn’t expecting her to say: These Things Happen. Maybe she isn’t so scary after all…..

It’s my dad’s birthday today, so I was thinking about him as I made my way to work in the autumn sunshine. I was thinking about his last birthday, when he turned sixty and WeeGee was mental and had a rotten time trying to drag herself through all the surprises and excitement and general jolly stuff. I wish it was his big birthday this year because then I would be able to enjoy it with him. Anyway – you can’t turn back time, and maybe the main thing to take from my thinking is quite how far I’ve come.

There is an air of happiness and hilarity in the office today. Everyone has got over the explosions and definitely have their eyes on the weekend. Mr Hilarious is on top form today. He greeted me by saying ‘feel how cold my banana is’ whilst pointing a banana at me in the fashion of a gun*. Of course, I didn’t rise to his lewdness but I did feel his banana and can confirm it was very cold indeed. He’s also just asked me to ‘sniff his lunch box’ which suggests that one of the main outcomes of the online dating experiment has been everybody thinking I have turned into Barbara Windsor or somefink.

Here are a few more thoughts about online dating by the way:

  • Hints don’t work very well in the online dating world and you sometimes have to resort to YOU ARE SCARING ME NOW. PLEASE EFF RIGHT OFF
  • Some people appear to be looking for ‘anybody’ rather than ‘somebody’ which makes me feel sad
  • If you are going to choose a user name like Mr Cool, or Trendy Guy or Eligible you should probably think long and hard about whether you’re going to be able to pull it off

I’ve got another post about online dating planned although I might decide to turn it into a PhD instead – Boy Meets Girl: Gender Politics in the Online Dating World….. Anyway – the main thing to say about my online dating experiment is that it’s on hold pending a trip to the Science Museum on Sunday** and ***

What next? Oh yes, I was going to tell you about my shoes. After yesterday’s hole in the shoe incident I decided I was going to be very particular about my foot wear today. So – I was rooting about trying to find a pair of shoes that could be added to a suit that would be quirky enough to make it feel like I wasn’t actually wearing a suit**** and I found a pair of shoes I’d never worn before. I’d never worn them because I wasn’t quite sure about them but couldn’t put my finger on why I wasn’t quite sure of them.

Anyway I went with the shoes on a whim. As the morning dragged on I decided to go and visit the IT Crowd because I fancied a small skive***** I walked into the office and said ‘hey IT Crowd I’ve come for a skive’ and one of the IT Crowd said ‘Hey WeeGee – why are you wearing your slippers?’ And then I realised why I wasn’t quite sure about my shoes.

Meanwhile in other news I tried really hard with my asterisks today in an attempt to reclaim the blog asterisk world record from Ellie the Anxious Elephant but alas – I did not succeed. Never fear though Ellie, I will try again soon because I consider myself to have been challenged! Nothing else to report today save that I Is Back Init?!

Lots of love and hugs from WeeGee xxxx

*Which reminded me of my favourite comedy Family Fortunes answer ever. “We asked 100 people something you can do with a banana” Genuine top answer: give it to a monkey?!

**First date to the Science Museum – how cool is that?

***That’s the one you’ve got your fingers crossed for

****I don’t always wear a suit but decided I’d rather receive a telling off in a suit because then it wouldn’t really be me getting told off it would just be me doing an impression of somebody wearing a suit getting told off

*****Because every self respecting (occasional) skiver knows that’s the best place to skive because it’s good fun and  even if you get caught you can just make up a couple of acronyms beginning with V and then talk about scalability and stability and stuff and nobody is any the wiser

Posted in About today

The hardest word

Posted on by WeeGee

First of all I CANNOT BELIEVE that I have used an Elton John reference as the title of a post on How do you eat an elephant? It’s okay though, you can rest assured that you shall find no YouTube clip below……

I recently had cause to apologise to somebody because something I did hurt their feelings. I didn’t mean to hurt their feelings and I didn’t like doing it at all but I have learned that sometimes hurting people is inevitable. The thing about feelings is that they change and sometimes they change in ways that other people didn’t want them to and that, I guess, is when people start getting hurt. Anyway – I hurt somebody’s feelings and tried my best to tell them how sorry I was but they didn’t want to hear about how sorry I was and that made me sad. It also made me realise that ‘sorry’ isn’t the hardest word of all because the hardest word for a lot of people seems to be ‘forgive’ I spend a fair bit of my time thinking about forgiveness. Mr Wise thinks I forgive too easily and it gets me into trouble – maybe he’s right but to me forgiving people too easily is a bit like ‘being too kind’. I’m not entirely convinced that it’s a problem.

I should mention that I’m having a really rotten time of it at work at the moment. There’s a lot of ‘stuff’ going on and bombs keep exploding and everybody is so scared of Mrs Scary New Boss Lady that they’re convinced they’re going to get the sack every time a bomb goes off. Yesterday’s bomb had my name written all over it, which was unfortunate, because I was also partly responsible for Monday’s bit of a disaster. I appear not to have received my P45 today which is a good thing but it’s still slightly stressful. Whilst I’m on the subject I’ve got a top tip for you:

WeeGee’s tip of the day: If somebody tells you they have definitely done something that you suspect they might not have done…. Don’t take their word for it.

I’m beginning to wonder if I went back to work too soon. I suppose there is the argument that I’m just taking on too much at work, but I don’t have much of a say in my workload (owing to Mrs Scary New Boss Lady). This makes me think that the job I’m doing is not the right job for me which makes me very sad indeed because when it’s not all stressful and explosive I love my job and the people I work with. It also makes me scared because I’m not sure what I would actually do if I stopped doing what I do at the moment.

Anyway, today is rubbish because I feel guilty and work is stressful and because I’ve got a hole in my shoe. However, I am very definitely hanging on in there because life is good and  I have things to look forward to and  tomorrow will come around. And because I won’t always have a hole in my shoe…..

Lots of love from WeeGee xxxx