WeeGee

My old friend

Posted on September 20, 2012 by WeeGee

I suppose I should do a ‘thirty days of truth’ post. After all, what’s the point of saying you’re going to do something and then not actually doing it….?

Day number nine came out of the envelope today which is:

Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted

A lot of people have drifted in and out of my life – it’s par for the course isn’t it? People come, people go and it’s only the people that matter who stay…. for the most part, anyway.

I have to confess to having a bit of a habit of letting people vanish out of my life. If I get the sense someone is going to leave me then I tend to get in there first and cut all ties. It does me no good, and I’m trying to work on it, but I can’t help but wonder if that’s just the way I’m built.

Anyway – I’m rambling around the question here, aren’t I?

In 2003 I was studying for my masters degree and working part time in a University library. It was the best crap job I ever had because a) I worked evenings when there was no-one around and I pretty much wrote my whole dissertation whilst at work and b) I met Katie P.

Katie P and I had an awful lot in common – values, beliefs, fears and a passion for fiction. She was training to be a teacher at the time so also did a lot of studying at work, but when we weren’t studying we whiled away the hours chatting, swapping books and on occasion having those nice safe arguments you can have with someone who although on your wavelength has a slight difference of opinion.

There was also an awful lot that Katie P and I didn’t have in common, and in some ways, that was the reason that the friendship became so precious to me. We came from completely different backgrounds and her upbringing and experiences were a far cry from the comparatively privileged life I had lived. I guess it hadn’t occurred to me how many opportunities I’d had in life until I met Katie P – I’d been too busy focusing on the bad.

Anyway – we were like two peas in a pod for the year we worked together. We spent our free time together as well as our time at work, and at the time, I couldn’t have imagined my life without her friendship in it. During the time we knew one another we both experienced some dark days and we each carried the other through them – it seemed to me that I had found a friend for life.

And then I moved to London.

We kept in touch for a long time – speaking on the phone and regular visits. But in time the phone calls dropped off and the visits fewer and further between. That’s what distance does I guess. Katie P and I exchange a few text messages a year now. Which is sad.

I miss Katie P, but, at the same time, I suspect it was one of those friendships that was there for a while and was never meant to last. Me moving away just speeded up the process but it doesn’t take away the happy times we shared whiling away a year doing the best crap job in the world…

The end.

Love from WeeGee xx

Welcome to my world

I made it!

Posted on September 20, 2012 by WeeGee

I am pleased to report that the 19^th September 2012 passed without incident, tragedy or disaster here in WeeGee land. Fank gawd for that….

I decided to have a nice quiet evening to myself last night. The challenge was to remember the sad things – pay my respects, as it were – without driving myself round the bend. I think I managed it quite admirably.

It’s important to be able to remember, especially when no one else is going to. In the end I marked the occasion without getting into any trouble and I feel better for having done it.

So, that’s it all done with for another year. Who knows? By the time the 19^th September 2013 comes around I might be able to say ‘that’s it all done with full stop’

This is a short post, but never fear! I plan to be back later on with a ‘thirty days of truth’ post but before that I have a little bit of reading to do….

Lots of love from a relieved WeeGee on 20^th September *sigh of relief*

About today

Delirium

Posted on September 18, 2012September 18, 2012 by WeeGee

If I was to say that I am TOTALLY exhausted it would be something of an MASSIVE understatement. The last time I looked at the clock last night was just after 4am. The first time I looked at the clock this morning was 6.20am and I’ve been awake ever since. I’m slightly delirious but I don’t think I could sleep right now if I tried….

I hate insomnia. I sometimes think that is my life’s ambition to go to sleep when I’m tired, stay asleep and then wake up when I’m not tired any more – just once or twice you know, to see how it feels? Not much of an ambition, eh?

If it weren’t for the insomnia things would be rumbling along reasonably well all things considered. It’s ‘D Day’ tomorrow but I’m trying not to think about that too much. In fact I’ve got a long list of distractions and plans to get me through it. As far as I’m concerned there are going to be no tragedies or disasters on the 19^th September this year – world: take note. I’ve also decided that I’m not going to let my brain drive me round the bend thinking about all the tragedies and disasters of the past – brain: take note.

I’m racking my brain for something to tell you about. I don’t know if it’s the delirium, or the fact that things are just about fine but I got nothing. By rights I should do a ‘thirty days’ post but I’m TOTALLY exhausted so that really wouldn’t work.

Okay – so that’s about it from me. I’m exhausted, delirious and dreading tomorrow. But things are just about fine.

Over and out.

Love from a very sleepy but not able to sleep WeeGee xxx

Thirty days of truth

Can we pretend that never happened?

Posted on September 17, 2012 by WeeGee

Day two of the ‘thirty days of truth’ saw day twenty two being pulled from the envelope:

Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life

The first thing to say is that I try not to regret things too much – or at least I try not to wish that I had done things differently. The things that you do are the things that make you who you are. And I don’t really care how twee that sounds.

That said there is one thing that I wish I’d had the courage to do differently and that thing is moving to London….

I never wanted to live in London in fact, until I moved to London I actively didn’t want to live in London. The spanner in those particular works was that my boyfriend at the time lived in London and he didn’t want to live anywhere apart from London.

For the sake of clarity I say my boyfriend at the time when what I really mean is the love of my life. We were together for ten years in the end, and although we have been separated for two years I still love him with every fibre of my being.

We’d been having a long distance relationship for five years, and in some ways, that was beginning to take its toll. We had spoken about moving somewhere between London and Nottingham but he backed out of that in the end. As I said, he really didn’t want to live anywhere apart from London. When it came down to it, I decided I had to move to London or walk away from the relationship and I really didn’t want to do that.

I felt like I had to give us a chance. I tried to view it as a compromise on my part but looking back I know that it was in fact a sacrifice. I sacrificed my friends, my family and my life even though I knew, in my heart, that I was doing the wrong thing.

I knew I was doing the wrong thing from the moment I told my ex boyfriend that I had got a job in London at last. First there was a long silence and then he said ‘really’ in a tone of voice that made my heart hurt. Of course I asked him about it, but he said he had just been shocked. I tried to believe that for five years during which it became increasingly clear that he just didn’t love me. He wasn’t ready to love anybody.

On the day before I moved to London I had a long chat with my dad. He was worried and couldn’t understand why I had to move away. He said to me that when he met my mum he loved her so much he ‘would have moved heaven and earth to be with her’ and I said that was why I was doing it. Of course I missed his point.

I’m still in London (kinda), and I’ve no intention of leaving but I know I would have saved myself a lot of heartache if I had been brave enough to accept what was staring me in the face.

I suppose what I’m trying to say I don’t wish I hadn’t moved to London – I wish I hadn’t tried move heaven and earth for someone who I knew wouldn’t try to move heaven and earth for me.

Lots of love from WeeGee

Thirty days of truth

Day one (or day 18 depending on your take on things): WeeGee writes about gay marriage and hopes nobody gets all upset about it.

Posted on September 15, 2012September 15, 2012 by WeeGee

Okay, so I’ve got some time to kill*and nothing much to say for myself so I pulled a number out of the thirty days of truth hat**

The number I picked was number 18 which is proof positive that you should never, ever, put your trust in random selections. Random selections mean that you end up with one of the most difficult things to start with – at least as far as thirty days of truth is concerned…..

Day 18 is ‘your thoughts on gay marriage’

My views on gay marriage are straightforward and can be summarised thusly: ‘so what?’ Sadly, some people who aren’t gay get all upset about gay marriage and think that it’s a good idea to make sure that people of the same sex can’t get married to each other.

I can’t quite understand why it matters so much who complete strangers get married to. Who complete strangers get married to is of no consequence to anyone apart from the complete strangers, surely? I can just about understand that somebody might oppose gay marriage. But they can make their opposition perfectly clear by not marrying somebody of the same sex. That’s it. The end. Or is it just me?

I guess we have to get to the bottom of what marriage means in the modern world to get to the bottom of my thinking on this. Once upon a time marriage was a symbolic ceremony in which people had their union recognised in the eyes of God. It isn’t that anymore and I know that because ALL of my friends have been married in church yet only TWO of my friends would describe themselves as religious. Marriage has moved on. In the same way that views about slavery, or women, or people with disabilities have moved on.

Marriage is a choice that two people make. It’s a promise they make, in front of the people that matter the most to them. It’s a promise to stay by someone’s side come what may. It’s a promise between the two people who decide they feel able to make that promise and everybody else needs to butt out and let love be. It’s a promise that we should all be free to make – whoever we happen to be, or whoever we happen to fall in love with.

So there you have my views on gay marriage. Essentially I don’t care – and that can be seen as ‘controversial’. Humans are ridiculous sometimes. I hope that doesn’t offend anybody. I’m just saying, y’know?

Lots of love from WeeGee xx

*Between today’s activities and Dr Who. I’m a geek. I know

**I actually pulled it out of an envelope but a hat sounded better

Thirty days of truth

Ummm…. Thirty days of truth

Posted on September 15, 2012October 1, 2012 by WeeGee

Once in a while I sit down to write a post and find that everything has fallen out of my head. It’s quite annoying really, because I often can’t write at the very times when writing would probably provide the best distraction from all the dementedness….

I’ve seen a lot of bloggers taking part in ‘thirty days of truth’ – I always enjoy reading ‘thirty days’ posts so I thought I might give it a go for myself. Perhaps it will give me something to write about on the days when the only thing I can think of to say is ‘ummm’….

I’m not going to answer the questions in order, by the way. I’ve written 1-30 on thirty pieces of paper and I’m going to pick one at random whenever I decide to do a thirty days of truth post. I’m setting myself a little challenge, y’see, to do something in the wrong order even though it is probably going to do my head in …. because I’m a crazy kid when it comes down to it.

So here are the thirty days of truth – I’ll add hyperlinks to this page as I go along.

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

I’ll see you on the other side!

Lots of love from WeeGee

PS – today I got over ‘ummm’ by telling you what I’m going to do the next time ‘ummm’ strikes. Genius huh?

About today

Mardy bum

Posted on September 14, 2012 by WeeGee

I’m having a bit of a mardy* today. I was all set to be looking forward to it, in a funny kind of way, but then by brain took umbrage and delivered a migraine so now….. well so now I’m having a mardy. I’m having a mardy because I was supposed to be helping the lovely Depressed Moose out, but in the end I was too busy vomiting and seeing a kaleidoscope of colours to even leave the house.

It has taken me four attempts to get out of bed today, and although I feel a little better I still feel like I have a head stuffed full of cotton wool. In fairness, I ought to be grateful for having a brain stuffed full of anything – cotton wool is a marked improvement on the flat and empties after all – but all I really want is to have a normal brain free from mental attacks and stinking migraines and nonsense.

Sometimes you think ‘okay, I’ve done my time – now leave me the hell alone’ don’t you?

I know exactly what the matter with me is at the moment. I’m STRESSED OUT. I know I’m STRESSED OUT because I got a migraine and my psoriasis has GONE NUCLEAR. I also know I’m stressed out because it is the 13^th September which is almost the 19^th September which is the day that my life falls apart. It’s a tradition. If something bad is going to happen, that’s the date it will happen. You couldn’t make up the list of tragedies and disasters that have struck on the 19^th September in WeeGee land. It’s almost enough to make you believe in fate or something……

Mrs Mountain is of the opinion that I store up bad news for the 19^th September. That once upon a time it all went wrong on that day and now I attach too much significance to it, so I’m on the lookout for shitty things. Or that on that date mildly shitty things will feel majorly shitty just by association. I kinda want that to be true, but I also kinda don’t think it is.

Pfft. Roll on October is all I’ve got to say.

Lots of love from a very mardy WeeGee xx

*Just in case you aren’t from Nott’m, Derby or Sheffield here’s what mardy means

Welcome to my world

Hmmm, where to start?

Posted on September 13, 2012 by WeeGee

I don’t know where to start today so I thought I might as well start by telling you that I don’t know where to start to see if that gets me on my way……

Erm.

Right.

Okay.

I still don’t know where to start.

*sigh*

I’m a bit wobbly today. There you go. That’s a start.

I’m feeling jittery and panicked and I can’t catch hold of a single one of the three squillion thoughts that are flying around in my head. That’s the middle.

Language has left me and I can’t write a post today. That’s the end.

Still – I get a new start tomorrow right? That’s the beauty of it

Lots of love WeeGee xxx

Welcome to my world

A bit of a disaster

Posted on September 12, 2012September 12, 2012 by WeeGee

There have been a few small disasters in WeeGee land over the past few days. ‘A bit of a disaster’ isn’t an uncommon event round these parts: I put it down to the fact that I am one of those unfortunate people who lurches from one crisis to the next; my dad says it has more to do with the fact that I’m something of a drama queen. He’s probably got a point….

The recent spate of disasters swam round and round in my head all day yesterday and eventually they were joined by every single ‘bit of a disaster’ that had happened since the dawn of time. That’s quite a lot of disasters to have swimming around in your head. It isn’t very pleasant at all and to cut a long story short – it makes you go a bit mental.

It’s funny* how quickly you forget how hard it is to be mental. You get a week or so off and you forget what it feels like to have a load of nonsense floating around in your head all the time. Today I feel like everything has stopped, as if it’s all over somehow, as if someone hit the pause button but left the sound running in my head.

Here’s what I know:

1. This is just a feeling

2. Feelings don’t last forever

3. Another feeling will come along eventually

Here’s what I don’t know:

1. When another feeling will come along

Looking on the bright side I do at least know more than I don’t know**

Work was difficult today. I struggled to concentrate owing to the noise in my head and because most of my concentration was being ploughed into trying not to burst into tears at any given moment. I try not to cry at work because I’m a professional like that. I didn’t really feel like talking to anybody either which was just about okay unless the phone rang…

I’m home now and the plan for the evening is to make sure that I take good care of myself even though I don’t care about myself very much at all. I’ll be cooking a meal, taking a shower, emptying the bin and maybe watching some TV. That sounds like a fairly normal evening for a normal person but I’ve got a battle on my hands to get through it. I’m tired and empty and all I really want to do is curl up into a teeny tiny ball and sob for a bit. As they say in my homeland aufurfukssakes***

I suppose the headline today is that the mentals have made a small reappearance but that I’m normal enough to know I have to reach in and grab myself.

I’m afraid I don’t have a ‘meanwhile in other news’ for you today and I definitely have nothing further to add so here endeth the post.

Love from WeeGee xxx

*It isn’t funny at all, I just said that because I couldn’t think of another word

**Although if you don’t know something how do you know you don’t know it? I guess you have to kinda know something to know you don’t know it and that’s all I know about that

***Glaswegian accent required

Reblog

Posted on September 11, 2012September 12, 2012 by WeeGee

I don’t often reblog, but this post really touched me and I wanted to share it. Please do read it.

As you know, I myself am prone to suicidal thoughts, and whilst I can’t help feeling that way it is really important to get this kind of perspective. I will definitely be adding it to my ‘list of things to read’ when I’m standing on the edge.

WeeGee xx