Author: WeeGee

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

Always going somewhere

Posted on by WeeGee

I thought it was about time I popped up to say hello. *WeeGee pops up* “Hello – how’s everyone getting on?”

The other day I was reading about the distance a human being travels when they are doing nothing more than standing still – you know what with the Earth spinning round in the solar system* and all. I really like the idea that we’re always going somewhere even though it doesn’t feel like it at the time.

For the last two years I’ve felt stuck and hopeless – trapped by my broken brain. I’ve been to some pretty hellish places and at times, I felt like it was all over, that there was nothing I could do. What I didn’t realise (or what I forgot to remember from prior attacks of the mentals) was that I had to go to all of the hellish places in order to get to where I am now. What’s that thing about having to go there to come back?

As to where I am now – well I’m okay. Don’t get me wrong: it hasn’t all gone away and I still feel pointless and empty. But (and it’s a big but**) I’m in the right place to take it on. You know last week, when Mr Clever the bow tie wearing psychiatrist said I might be ‘delusional’? I don’t think he thought I was delusional at all. I think he was trying to get my attention and remind me that I’m doing well which means that this is EXACTLY the time to deal with all the things I refuse to deal with – from this breakdown, and the last, and the one before that. I guess that’s why he’s the clever psychiatrist….

So yeah – I’m ready to throw myself into it. I’m ready to accept where I am and how I got here. I’m ready to iron out all the creases. The beauty of it is that I’ve still got that white coat safety net on my side.

I’ll never be ‘normal’. That’s just the way it goes. But I will manage this – I will take responsibility and get back to myself (however inadequate I think myself to be). I’ve done it before and I’m ready to do it again.

Lots of love from WeeGee (who has just written an uncharacteristically positive post)

*Scientific accuracy is not guaranteed

**Ho ho

Posted in About today

A little letter

Posted on by WeeGee

Dear Conservatives (and especially Jeremy Hunt),

I am writing to respectfully request that you disappear off the face of the earth leaving some right minded people in charge instead. Further to this, I would be grateful if you could take Nick Clegg, Melanie Phillips and that awful Hitchens chap with you.

In the event that you are unwilling to comply with my request to disappear off the face of the earth I would like to apply to have my flat declared an independent state. Here in WeeGee Land I will be able to live out my days in peace and quiet free from your hateful policies and general vileness. I will of course continue to pay my taxes at the required level for the good of society, although I understand that this is more than can be said for the majority of you and yours.

Thank you in advance for your help with this matter. I look forward to you disappearing in due course.

Kind regards

WeeGee, Right Honourable President of WeeGee Land.

Posted in About today

A little pointless ramble with WeeGee

Posted on by WeeGee

I’ve been in a thoughtful mood today, so instead of doing a standard beginning, middle and end kind of post I’ve decided to do a ramble around WeeGee’s head kind of post instead. Don’t worry though, I promises not to ramble us into any of the dark hell hole corners…..

I’ll start with a status update on my head injury because when you have an injury it is important to talk about it ALL THE TIME to ensure maximum sympathy from those around you.

The swelling has mostly gone down although there is still a slight puffiness hanging around if you look closely* The black eye is at the attractive yellowish purple stage which is upsetting because it looks like I have either a) a dirty face or b) very badly applied eye makeup. These things are upsetting because the WeeGee is an incredibly clean and well groomed creature in the wild. Finally the full extent of the cut has become apparent. The full extent is that it isn’t so much a cut as a small hole in my head. I’m surprised you can’t see bone: that’s how brutal it is.

Did I get any sympathy yet?

The only other consequence of my injury is that I can’t wink. I guess we just have to hope that I don’t meet the man of my dreams before it heals up because as far as chatting people up goes I don’t have much more than my sexy and alluring wink….

Writing that made me think about chat up lines (I told you this was going to be a ramble around my head). I don’t think I’ve ever used one myself but I’ve had a few used on me in my time. Here are some of my favourites:

  • Drunk Neanderthal man in a nightclub: ‘…..do you like Oasis’. Me ‘No I prefer Blur’**
  • Drunk man in pub: ‘What would you do if I kissed you right now?’ Me: ‘I’d probably poke you in the eye’***. Drunk man in pub: ‘I won’t bother then’****
  • Lovely guy with a learning difference at work: ‘My dad says I should get married to someone my own age’. Me: ‘He’s probably right’ Lovely guy with a learning difference at work: ‘I’m 44. How old are you?’

As you can probably tell, I’m not very good at getting chatted up……

Do you know what – I’ve never really been on a date in my life. Not in the formal sense of the word anyway. I’ve always either been a) in a relationship or b) too mental to go on a date. Technically speaking I don’t think I’m too mental to go on a date at the moment – it’s just that I’d rather stick needles in my eye than spend an evening making small talk with a stranger.

I made a nice vegetable tagine for dinner this evening. That isn’t very interesting but it did make me realise that although I would instinctively say that I don’t like tomatoes it isn’t actually true: what I don’t like is RAW tomatoes. Cooked tomatoes are actually up there in my favourites. It’s funny how the brain works, isn’t it. That isn’t very interesting either, is it?

Anyhoo. I think I’ve rambled around in a pointless fashion enough for now. I’ve done this rambling, by the way, because I don’t much feel like talking about the thing that is at the front of my mind today. I’m not hiding anymore but I’m in no mood for talking about what’s really going on.

Meanwhile in other news I have decided to postpone my Homeland viewing until Sunday so I can be at the same point as the rest of the UK. Nothing else to report today save that I was rather amused by the GROWN WOMAN who waved a leek in my face in the seven-eleven and asked ‘is this parsley’? ‘No, it isn’t’, I said. Because what else can you say?

Tatty bye folks

Lots of love WeeGee xxx

*Not that anyone is likely to look THAT closely

**Which wasn’t strictly true but it did the trick

***Regular readers will have predicted my action

****He lost extra marks for his woeful lack of persistence, by the way.

Posted in About today

Moaning Minnie

Posted on by WeeGee

Today it feels like the sky has fallen in. Sometimes that just happens doesn’t it? There you are, rumbling along quite nicely when Boom! It’s all dread, and regret and sadness and boo bloody hoo again.

There was only one thing that I wanted to do today and that was hide. I didn’t want to see anybody, or talk to anybody and I especially didn’t want to spend three hours of my afternoon meeting with 8 gigantic arseholes who were all a little too fond of the sound of their own voices.

Still – you don’t always get what you want. In fact, sometimes what you get is the exact opposite of what you wanted and the only thing you can do is suck it up.

What is it with people in meetings? I have a (very sensible) rule in meetings that goes something like this: If I don’t have anything to say I won’t actually say anything. As an additional rule if I agree with what someone says I simply say “I agree” instead of repackaging the exact same thing in my own arse-holey words. If everyone were to adopt these rules I would spend considerably less of my time in meetings. AND SO WOULD EVERYONE ELSE.

Whilst I’m on a little roll I’m going to have a moan about ‘pre-meetings’. That’s a meeting you have to discuss what you’re going to talk about at the meeting because apparently, that’s the best use of everybody’s time. Unbelievably there’s a new thing creeping in which is the ‘pre, pre-meeting’. This is where you discuss what you are going to talk about in the pre meeting so that you know what you are going to talk about in the meeting-before-the-meeting.

If we ever get to the stage of the pre, pre, pre-meeting I expect I shall jump out of a window (I’ll tie the ridiculous amount of meeting related paperwork cluttering up my desk to my ankles just to make sure)

I’m a little bit tired and a little bit grumpy today as well as a bit boo hoo. Can you tell?

Anyway. I’m home now so I should be able to fit in a good few hours of hiding. Which is nice. I’m supposed to be cooking some complicated Thai salmon/coconut thing but I’m not sure I’ve got the energy for something quite so adventurous. I might do my variation on Jamie Oliver’s Thirty Minute Meals instead. It doesn’t take as long as thirty minutes actually:

Toast bread/Heat Beans/Add Cheese. Done*.

Meanwhile in other news I’m trying to decide whether I want to watch Homeland online or wait until next week when it’s on in the UK anyway. Nothing else to report today save….. No. There really isn’t anything else to report today.

Lots of love from WeeGee

 

 

*I suppose it should’ve been ‘pukka’ what with ‘done’ being Gordon Ramsay’s catchphrase and all. But if I’d said pukka I would have had to poke myself in the eye and I’ve got enough face related injuries for the time being.

Posted in About today

It’s not unusual…

Posted on by WeeGee

Fear not – this post has absolutely nothing to do with Tom Jones – that kind of thing really isn’t my bag. That said I’ve gone and thought it now and so have you. Sorry about that.

Here’s a little piece of advice for you: no matter how much practical and logistical sense lining up all of your white coat appointments in one day seems to make – DON’T DO IT. It turns out that there’s only so much poking and prodding around a broken brain can take in one day before…. well, before it decides to break.

I got back today feeling exhausted, overwhelmed and completely indignant about why this is happening to me. How bloody very dare this happen over and over and over again. Not just that, how bloody very dare some idiot in a bow tie tell me that I’m not doing as well as I think I am because I’m probably deluded. ‘Delusional’. There’s a new one, eh?

Hands up! I’ve been doing well for a little while because I’ve been ignoring some stuff for a little while. You know the kind of stuff – stuff I did, stuff that happened, stuff that lives in my head. So what? Ignoring stuff is enough to get me through the day. Ignoring stuff is enough for a few little hopes to think about taking root. Ignoring stuff works.

I don’t think it’s unusual for people to ignore certain things – even the normal people probably do a spot of ignoring once in a while. I expect that’s WHAT MAKES THEM NORMAL. Apparently, ignoring things ‘doesn’t work in the long term’. It’s difficult for me to see that as much of a problem because my brain regularly takes me to places where making it through the next few minutes seems impossible. Most of the time the long term doesn’t get a look in.

I understand that repressing stuff isn’t a good idea – but what I’m trying to do at the moment is different. The thing is there isn’t an answer to the way I think and feel. Some things hurt – and facing it isn’t going to make it hurt any less. Ignoring it on the other hand, that works for me so what’s the big deal?

So anyway – that’s where I am today. I’m exhausted and overwhelmed and a little bit baffled to boot. Oh. And I’ve still got a headache and my black eye is very impressive indeed.

Meanwhile in other news Dexter Season 7 is shaping up nicely so far (please don’t tell anyone I used illicit means to watch it – what with my job and all) and I’ve got chocolate cheesecake coming out of my ears. Nothing else to report today save that I was rather amused by the headline in today’s sun: “Megan teacher dumped by wife”. No shit, eh?

Lots of love from WeeGee xx

Posted in About today

Sore head

Posted on by WeeGee

 

I thought it was probably time for a little update. So here’s a little update….

I injured myself quite badly on Saturday morning. There I was, sleeping away, when I decided to semi-wake-up and smack my head off the corner of my bedside table. It was quite gruesome actually – I left skin behind on the furniture and gave myself a nice shiny black eye. What tremendous fun I have.

Any way several hours and a few stitches later I went out for dinner. You know, as in ME in the OUTSIDE WORLD for dinner WITH FRIENDS AND STUFF. Even though I had an injury (and a pretty bad headache). Go me……

So that was yesterday. It didn’t go according to plan and I reckon I’ll be able to add yet another impressive scar to the existing bus related scar on my face. WeeGee: ScarFace…..*

Today I have mostly spent my time being a domestic goddess. I cleaned the flat until it sparkled, made roast onion soup, pickled some shallots, made a rather lovely malted chocolate cheesecake, and roasted some chicken with garlic and thyme. One of these days I’m going to make some lucky bugger a fantastic wife.

I’ve several white coat type appointments coming up tomorrow. I’ve got the GP and the psychiatrist and FINALLY the psychologist for a spot of CBT. I’m also getting my hair cut. Add up all of those appointments and you have a nightmare-anxiety-i’d-rather-die-kinda-day on the horizon. Big Boooo. Oh and boo hoo.

Meanwhile in other news I am completely over excited about the return of Dexter TONIGHT. Nothing else to report save that my head still hurts and I wish that tomorrow was over and done with.

Night night lovely folks, WeeGee xxxx

 

 

 

*But MUCH  prettier than that makes me sound

 

 

 

Posted in Welcome to my world

What if I can’t stop?

Posted on by WeeGee

The first thing to do today is say: if you are at all vulnerable about food, weight, body image and other such things might be best if you skip over this one…..

I think there must be something in the air at the moment – because a couple of other bloggers have posted about similar things this week. Perhaps it’s National Former Eating Disorders Bite You On The Bum Week or something…..

I am recovering from an eating disorder. I say recovering rather than recovered because I don’t think disordered thinking about food ever truly goes away. It hangs around in the background and you have to work very hard to keep it there.

Nonsense thinking about food has been in the background of my brain for more than 10 years. During that time I’ve maintained my weight at an acceptable level with only one exception – when Mr Friendly and I split up. I lost an awful lot of weight at that point, dipped below ‘healthy’ and had a smallish battle to get back to where I needed to be. The point is, I did get back. The other point is that I have more or less maintained my weight for more than ten years. That other point is REALLY BIG NEWS by the way.

I still have a funny relationship with food. I eat because I have to. I rarely eat because I’m hungry and I hardly ever eat because I want to. The notion of ‘comfort eating’ makes no sense to me at all because I don’t ‘enjoy’ food. It’s just a necessity – like air.

My thoughts about weight are a little bit difficult too. I don’t know how much I weigh because I can’t know. If I knew it would bother me – I’d try to round the number down to something nice and even and then I’d get obsessed with it being even and I’d try to get it down as low as possible in an attempt to have the best chance at keeping it even…. If that doesn’t make any sense to you should count your lucky stars at this point.

Understanding of eating disorders has moved on a lot since I was poorly and I think most people know that eating disorders have absolutely nothing to do with being thin. What I don’t think many people realise is that eating disorders often have EVERYTHING to do with not being fat. It’s a subtle difference and one that still governs my life to a certain small extent.

I’m ashamed to say that I think unpleasant things about being fat. I have a morbid fear of being overweight and even if I could cure my fear I wouldn’t want to because it terrifies me too much to even think about it. This fear has nothing to do with vanity although it has a lot to do with outward projections and the space I occupy in the world.

Reading that back it must appear to you that I still have a very unhealthy relationship with food and weight. I know that it isn’t ideal but I do know that it is managed. I’m aware, I have insight and that means I can keep myself in check. It makes for a miserable existence at times, but the process of keeping a well body when you have a broken brain is actually like heaven on earth when you compare it to the horror that is an eating disorder in full flow. Forget the times when my brain wants to jump off a building, or eat three packets of painkillers, or write ‘POINTLESS’ on my arm with a razor blade. Those things are a walk in the park compared to what an eating disorder does to your brain, your body and your life.

I’m terrified of being fat, but going back to the dark days of the starvation diet terrifies me so very much more. It is genuinely my biggest fear in the world because I don’t think it’s the kind of thing you manage to beat twice in your life.

I suppose I should let you know why I’m telling you all of this (I’ve been putting it off). The thing is I’ve put a little bit of weight on recently. I know I have because I can see it, and because I can feel it. I know that I’m not anything approaching fat – in fact I look healthy at the moment. My backside has made a re-appearance and I can wear a WonderBra and look like I might have some kind of a bust going on. My skin is healthy, and there are two nice apple type things where my cheekbones used to live. My ribs are in retreat.

This is all great – it’s nice to look in the mirror and see a healthy human being looking back. But at the back of my mind there’s a scary, scary thought that won’t go away: what if I can’t stop.

It’s spinning round and round and round.

It’s screaming at me: WHAT IF I CAN’T STOP? It’s scary because I know exactly what the answer is.

The answer is JUST STOP. Just like that. Don’t just stop, make up for it – you don’t want to run the risk of being fat after all and the best way to avoid ever weighing too much is by weighing as little as possible. It’s like an insurance policy.

I know this is all ridiculous and disordered and not at all rational. But it doesn’t have to make sense for it to be scary. I am on guard at the moment. It seems I’m destined always to be on guard against something. If broken brain isn’t terrorising itself thinking about how pointless everything is it manages to find something else to keep me in a state of absolute terror.

Curse my broken brain.

Lots of love from WeeGee

Posted in Thirty days of truth

Two for the price of one

Posted on by WeeGee

Tell you what – it’s just as well I’m doing this thirty days of truth thingy-ma-bob because I don’t actually have anything else to tell you about* It’s all very calm and steady here at the moment. Broken brain is on best behaviour and is busy making a few small plans for the future. The Future Starts Here – fingers crossed eh?

So – what does thirty days of truth have in store for me today then? Don’t worry about guessing… I’ll just come right out and tell you:

Day 19: What do you think about religion? Or what do you think about politics?

Oh bums. This is the one I’ve been dreading…..

I suppose I might as well tell you my thoughts on both things. If I’m going to upset people I might as well go the whole hog. Besides, I’ve got time on my hands and one of them won’t take very long.

1. WeeGee’s thoughts on politics.

Two words should do it: deeply cynical.

Just in case you’re interested in few more words here’s a whistle-stop tour:

  • I’m very liberal**
  • I believe that equity, justice and tolerance should be at the heart of governance
  • Democracy matters
  • The welfare state matters as well ***

You don’t need any more words than that, do you?

2. WeeGee’s thoughts on religion.

You’ll notice that I left the difficult one until last. Before I go any further I should say that what follows is nothing more than my own personal view of religion in the broadest sense of the word. I understand that some people reading this will have very different views but I hope that will be okay – differences of opinion are all part of the fun after all.

As far as religion goes I suppose the closest thing to a name for my views is agnostic. To put it bluntly I find the possible existence of some kind of all powerful omnipresent being to be a completely baffling concept. The trouble is that I can’t understand it and if there’s one thing that sits in the middle of my brain it’s a compelling need to understand EVERYTHING****

The existence of god defies logic as far as I can see. It goes against what little I know about science, and time and being. At the same time, I suppose it would be fair to say that the existence of god fits quite neatly with my ideas about hope. Maybe what I’m saying is that I want it to true, but I also can’t accept that it is.

It’s interesting, and perhaps a little convenient that there doesn’t seem to be a way that humans can prove the existence of god. The best we can hope for is to disprove it – but that is completely unsatisfactory when you come to think about it and especially when you factor in the way that human knowledge has, and continues to evolve….

I also struggle with the idea that there is only one god. After all, human beings across the globe seem to believe in a multitude of different gods. It would be tempting to a see that as cultural interpretation of exactly the same thing were it not for the fact that a great many religions condemn those who follow others. It’s impossible for everyone to be right and if they are everyone is surely going to hell….?

Finally, as I’ve already mentioned justice, equity and tolerance are incredibly important to me – those things are essentially my moral code. Unfortunately, from the outside looking in, organised religion seems to have little to do with any of those concepts. As far as I understand it, organised religion provides rules about the right way to do things, and the right things to think. Any other way is fundamentally wrong. I can’t accept that we should operate that way. What about live and let live?

I was listening to Radio Four last week (as is my wont). It was a programme about the role of the Catholic Church in Ireland*****. I mention this because it showed that although a recent survey of the congregation and indeed of society were in favour of both gay marriage and women priests,  the governing body of the church refused to acknowledge that change in opinion. I could probably have  just about accepted that to be fair enough if the refusal to acknowledge was some kind of fundamental theological issue. But, as was quite clearly stated by the said governing body (and I paraphrase) ‘It is possible to change doctrine in light of popular opinion, if changing doctrine IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO’. It would seem that the vast majority of a congregation is not capable of deciding what the right thing to do is….

In conclusion I have this to say: morality and religion are often bound up together. Above all else this is the thing that I can’t find a way to understand. I don’t follow a religion, and I don’t actively believe in any kind of god but I have a strong moral code. It can be summarised thusly:

Be kind. Always and to everybody.

Love from WeeGee xx

*Well I do have one little thing to tell you about but I’m saving it for another day

**With a VERY deliberate lower case ‘L’

***I believe in it in an old fashioned way. We all put in, we all get out: it’s a social contract. The world doesn’t owe anyone a living but we DO owe one another one

****I’m the daughter of an engineer. It’s in my genes

*****Other churches are available******

*******Sorry – is that a bit flippant?

Posted in Welcome to my world

The bottom of it

Posted on by WeeGee

I thought it was about time I did a little update. I haven’t posted for a while – not because I haven’t had anything to say, in fact, if anything I’ve had too much to say…..

The 19th September 2012 came and went. Nothing happened apart from a few bad memories and a touch of regret. In the main scheme of things I can live with a few bad memories and a little bit of regret. That kind of stuff is the least of my worries when it comes down to it.

I’ve spent the last few days peering down though time. I can’t help thinking that if I look for long enough I’ll manage to see the beginning of time and then I’ll get to the bottom of all this: How did I end up so broken and damaged? What happened to make me so vulnerable? Why can’t I just be normal?

I’m not feeling at all sorry for myself by the way. I just feel like I need to understand what this is all about because simply blaming it on a broken brain seems too easy. It’s akin to accepting that nothing will ever get better or change because ‘that’s just the way I am’. I feel like I’ve reached the point that I’m not prepared to accept that anymore. I don’t want to spend my whole life trying to ‘manage’ my brain. I just want to get on with ‘being’. I don’t mind if I’m happy or sad – I only want to be.

I’m in that up mood that comes along every so often – the kind of mood where everything seems possible – where I have a million ideas pinging about in my head and every single one of them feels like the best idea on earth. This mood is exactly why I feel like I have to understand everything and get better. BECAUSE I WANT TO HAVE A FUTURE with all of my fantastic ideas and all this energy in it.

I’ve been here before, so many times so I know it won’t last. Eventually I’ll run out of time and I’ll get defeated by it all again. But I want it to be different this time – I really do. So I’m going to carry on looking down through time, just in case I get to the bottom of it.

Lots of love from WeeGee xx

Posted in Thirty days of truth

Up the duff

Posted on by WeeGee

Don’t worry. I’m not. This is a thirty days of truth post…..

The first thing that came out of the thirty days of truth hat today was day number 15 which is:

Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it

I’m afraid I had a bit of a difficulty with this one – if I’d tried to live without something or someone and found I couldn’t live without it, by rights I would be dead. I’m probably being too literal about it but I’m afraid I can’t get past it. Day number 15 is a pass from me so I picked out a second number – day 28:

What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

This one is quite straightforward, isn’t it?

If I got pregnant, assuming all went well, I would have a baby in approximately nine months time. If I got someone pregnant I would be a little bit surprised to say the least.

I suppose I should fill in some of the detail or the post will be too short……

If I got pregnant right now (well, not RIGHT now, but you know what I mean) it would be an absolute and unmitigated disaster because a) I’m single, b) I’m a bit skint and c) I’m mental. Taking these things into account it is HIGHLY unlikely that I will become pregnant in the near future. At the same time, I’m aware that these things happen, and anyone who thinks they don’t needs to grow a little bit of sense and compassion, in my view anyway.

I’m trying to skirt around one of those sensitive subjects that human beings seem destined never to agree on, by the way, mainly because I don’t want anyone getting all upset. What I’m really trying to get it, is that if I was to find myself pregnant at the moment, even though it would feel like an unmitigated disaster, I would continue with the pregnancy. That would be a decision based on me, my own experiences and my personal circumstances at this particular point in my life – which is to say that it is none of my concern if someone who isn’t me comes to a different, and very difficult, conclusion about the future of their pregnancy, whether their circumstances are the same as mine or entirely different.

That’s a typical WeeGee answer isn’t it? I’m sorry – I can’t help it….

Lots of love from WeeGee xxx