Author: WeeGee

Posted in Welcome to my world

Boo fucking hoo

Posted on by WeeGee

I’m just going to have to face up to it. You know that birthday post I’ve been promising? Well I’m afraid it isn’t going to happen. The birthday in itself was completely AWESOME, full of Mr Awesome Thing Number Five, and a sleepy little English town, and feeding baby penguins which shat in my shoe, and a visit from my parents and…… AWESOME birthday. The thing is, my birthday was a long time ago, and since then I’ve been feeling ALL OF THE FEELINGS and the recent past isn’t really something that I feel much like blogging about because I’m a bit lost in the here and now, which – let’s be honest – is a little better that being lost in the then and gone or the still to come and unknown. Am I sounding a little manic to you? I’m feeling a little turbo charged so I wouldn’t be surprised…..

I woke up this morning feeling a little bit disjointed, you know? Like my brain wasn’t attached to my body anymore. I used to get that all the time – that feeling that my brain was a completely separate entity from ‘me’. Experiencing it now, for the first time in a while, I’m struck by how little sense it makes. I’m inextricably connected to my brain so how come it sometimes feels so ‘other’ every once in a while? The answer used to be ALIEN but that feels a bit unsatisfactory today. I believe myself to be lots of things but I don’t really believe myself to be an alien. I mean, it would be convenient, and it would explain an awful lot but being an alien would surely throw up even more questions than answers so it can’t possibly be the answer. Then again maybe I need to work through all of the questions and maybe being an alien isn’t as daft as it first sounds.

Still a bit turbo charged but not exactly AWESOME here. Alien brain strikes again?

I know that I’m not AWESOME because I don’t want to talk to most people. I don’t mind talking to some people but when I’m AWESOME I want to talk to everybody and as far as I’m concerned everybody can fuck right off. I can’t figure myself out right now so other people are a HUGE step too far. World. Shut. Your. Mouth.

I’ve written this post as it comes to me – stream of consciousness style. I’m just glad Mr Clever doesn’t get to read what I have to say here because I fear I’d wind up in trouble…..
WeeGee is not a happy WeeGee. Not at all. The brain is all broken and I’m a little bit angry and a little bit STOP because I’ve had enough…… Time for a song:

Booooo.

Love you lots like lovely jelly tots xxx

Posted in Welcome to my world

Dare I dare?

Posted on by WeeGee

Okay. Point number one is that I swear to god I’ll do the whole ‘awesome birthday, fed the penguins’ post before the week is out. I’m dying to share it with you but every time I have the time to share it there seem to be other, more important things to say…..

So. What can be more important than ‘awesome birthday, fed the penguins?’ Well. Interesting things are happening here in WeeGee land. Like WeeGee might just trust someone, and WeeGee tells someone the whole story, and WeeGee realises that all of this trust and truth is unprecedented, and WeeGee gets a bit scared and feels the fear and does it anyway. I’ve got a feeling that WeeGee is learning to cope.

Mrs Mountain and I had a good long chat last week. And it was up to me what we chatted about. That’s always been the way but I don’t think I realised how in charge I was. I think that maybe I underestimate myself. Most of the time I’m in charge but in my head I’m not. I guess I’m stronger than I think I am.

The point is that I’m doing this. I’m being alive, and I’m having a life, and a ‘relationship’ and when I hide its a blip instead of the norm. I care about the stuff I care about. I feel like things are starting rather than ending. I feel like its going to be okay.

Above all else – I’m not hiding. And although I think my story is tough, and ugly, and unbearable I seem to have found a man who doesn’t mind and who loves me any way. Big word, eh?

Dare I dare to think myself lucky?

Lots and lots of jelly tots xxxxx

Posted in Welcome to my world

The opposite of a jolly post

Posted on by WeeGee

Every so often I’m left wondering what gets in to me. Here I am, to all intents and purposes happy yet still I can’t quite shake off the feeling that something’s wrong. I don’t actually know what’s wrong. All I know is that in my heart, or in my head, it just isn’t right. I can’t help thinking that this is as good as it gets for an alien on planet earth – that no matter how good it gets, or what you’ve got going for you, the bit that’s broken always rises to the surface to mess things up…..

I find myself in hiding mode. I feel like I want to sit here until I figure it all out which would be fine if I knew what ‘it all’ actually was. So instead of figuring it all out I’m flitting about from one website to another, and googling random stuff to keep my brain occupied, and pacing, and staring, and trying my very best not to cry. I can’t cry because I know that as soon as I start there will be a very real and present danger that I’ll never be able to stop crying again.

This is a jolly little post, isn’t it.

The worst of it, I think, is that this is coming from nowhere. Nothing is one thing, but nothing creeping up on you not just when you least expect it but when you positively don’t expect it? Well that just well and truly sucks.

I should get up. I should shower and leave the house. I should eat something. I should phone a friend. I should PULL MYSELF TOGETHER. I should give myself a break, and a bit of peace and quiet, and I should poke myself in the eye to see if that gets me going. I should do a million and one things but I don’t think I’m going to do any of them.

Maybe I’m just feeling sorry for myself. Or maybe this is the reality of broken brain. For all the meds, and the talking, and the self soothing, and the people who just want you well this is all there really is. Nothing. And nothing will come of nothing. For all the times you think you’re better nothing is still hiding in your brain. It’ll always come back and you won’t know how long it’s going to stick around for.

But hey: Upwards and onwards. Keep on keeping on. Do the right thing. All things must pass.

Tomorrow always comes.

Lots of love from WeeGee xoxoxo

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

Birthday blues

Posted on by WeeGee

Before I get to today’s update I have a couple of those points of order that pop up every so often to take care of…..

Point of order number one: I officially suck at reading blogs at the moment and I’m sorry about that. I love you all lots, and I miss you more, but my time is all filled up with grown up ‘need to do’ stuff and reading your blogs has fallen down towards the bottom of the pile. I promise I’ll be back shortly but in the meantime will you forgive me?

Point of order number two: Does everybody know that ‘How do you eat an elephant?’ has a Facebook page? No? Well it does. You can find it here:

https://www.facebook.com/HungryElephant

I’m one follower short of 30, and apparently when you get to 30 magic things start happening…… Go on – it will surely improve your life ☺

The End of the point of order section.

Since I last blogged I’ve been a busy little WeeGee. I’ve been getting myself all sorted out, and organised and back on track. I’ve also been having one of my (fairly extended) little thinks. After all, what would the WeeGee be without one of her little thinks?

In five days time I’m going to be having a birthday. Having a birthday shouldn’t be a big deal because everybody has one, like once a year and stuff, but it feels like a pretty big deal to me right now. I spent my last birthday hiding in my little hidey hole*, pacing about, and being TOTALLY MENTAL before doing myself a small mischief and presenting myself at A&E because I didn’t have anywhere else to go. It was whatever the opposite of tremendous fun is.

Birthdays bring out The Dreaded Jitters in me. I don’t really know why, except that maybe it’s the one day of the year when people seem to want you to be the centre of attention which actually only really means that they want you to be ‘happy’ even if you don’t feel much like being happy. Maybe I don’t like the ‘expectations’ that are associated with birthdays? Maybe I’ve had enough miserable birthdays to last me a lifetime? Maybe this is just WeeGee being an idiot and it’s about time she POKED HERSELF IN THE EYE?

If I shut out the anxiety** my upcoming birthday is looking pretty peachy. I’ve got a few days away with Mr Awesome Thing Number Five to look forward to. AND I’m going to spend a morning feeding some penguins***. AND mum and dad are coming to visit. AND I’m off work. AND I’ve got a very exciting new birthday handbag.

It’s all a bit ‘what’s not to like’ and I really wish I could shake this weird ‘I don’t like birthdays because they make me a bit mental’ thing. But hey – you know me and my brain. It doesn’t always make sense…..

Aside from all that WeeGee is doing pretty good. I’ve got a fantabulous ‘how far I’ve come’ post lined up for you but I’m going to take my time writing it because it’s an important one.

Meanwhile in other news here’s a lovely little Frank Turner song for you. I might have shared it before but what’s a bit of repetition amongst friends?

Nothing else to report today save that I love you all loads and loads like……. Roman roads???

WeeGee xoxox

*Rhio – TOTALLY tongue in cheek xoxox
** Just like that!
***Which is AS COOL AS PENGUINS

Posted in About today

Ever, ever, ever…

Posted on by WeeGee

Guess what I’ve been doing? I’ve been having one of my little thinks. I’ve mostly been thinking about the past although the future has been creeping in every so often. Above all else I’ve been thinking that the past and the future have an awful lot in common insofar as that neither of them really deserve the attention that goes into one of my little thinks. Is that what you call wisdom?

Anyhow….. Things are rolling along quite nicely here in WeeGee land thanks very much. Of course there had to be a big ‘boo-hoo, it’s all a bit fucked up and stuff’ moment but I’m coming to learn that those moments aren’t as bad as all that because those are the moments that happen so that you can start all over again. Sometimes it feels like it’s all going to fall apart but then you realise that you aren’t going to fall apart because the people around you aren’t going to let you. Tell you what – I’m a lucky girl. If I only need one reason to be cheerful, that there is it….

I’ve been staying with Mr Awesome Thing Number Five for the last few days. I guess I needed time out, and a break from the usual routine, and – okay, I admit it – I needed someone to care. And that’s exactly what I got. I got space, and peace, and quiet, and the company of the most perfect guy who isn’t going to try to fix me but who will have the patience to stick around while I fix myself. Told you. I’m a lucky girl.

Staying with Mr Awesome Thing Number Five presented an unusual opportunity in that for the first time in about ten years I had the chance to weigh myself. I’ve been ‘recovered’ for the best part of fifteen years but in that whole time I’ve never known what my weight was. All I knew was that it was okay. Scales were scary. Numbers were scary. The whole thing was scary, scary, scary. Even though I new I was okay it was still scary. Knowing the numbers, and seeing the numbers was something that I was told, and that I thought I couldn’t do. And then today I stepped on the scales I’ve been walking past every day. And it made my day. It turns out that a recovering anorexic can find her way to the holy grail that is ‘intuitive’ eating and can come to see that weighing more than she ever weighed in her life can be the BEST THING IN THE WORLD. Ever. Ever, ever, ever. 

So yeah. It’s all good. Apart from my birthday. I don’t like birthdays, and my last one was awful. I hope this one will be a bit better. Oh and bums. There’s still the 19th September to deal with. Why must I have a brain? Why must I remember?

Love you all lots xoxoxo

Posted in About today

How did this happen?

Posted on by WeeGee

Sometimes it’s really funny the way things turn out…. I’m currently dating a guy called Craig. Before that I dated a guy called Daniel. Before that I dated a guy who described himself as Daniel Craig’s body double*…. Weird huh?

Anyway – all of that aside, I figured it was time for a proper update. And by proper I mean not all BOO HOO or all AWESOME and just a bit matter of fact this is what’s going on in WeeGee land at the moment…..

Bottom line? Life is good and I can’t find a single thing to complain about** I went from ‘dating’ a lovely guy to being ‘in a relationship’ with a lovely guy which ought to be weird and scary but which is actually just natural and nice. You can spend years and years and years of your life dreading and avoiding something until one day the thing you were dreading and avoiding turns up and you are somehow glad that it did.

Hmmm. So the thing is that this time last year I was a bit mental. I was hiding, and jumping off tall things, and waiting for it all to be over. This time last year I wasn’t coping. As for now? Take that broken brain. I’m all better, and well, and IN YOUR FACE DEPRESSION. Oh and I seem to have remembered what the future feels like and it’s all cool….

I suppose the pertinent point at the moment is my upcoming birthday. What should I do? A big thing with all the people I know (scary), a medium thing with the important people (scary) a small thing with the old folks, or the new folks, or the wordpress folks. BUMS.

This isn’t the kind of song I usually share

Jelly tots xxxx

*To be fair, there is definitely a resemblance
**I could if I tried. But why try?

Posted in About today

Leap and a net will appear

Posted on by WeeGee

Okay folks. Here goes…..

First up the sun is shining and all is well here in WeeGee land. On which note I have a message for all the people who think it’s ‘too hot’: Shut your face and do one of the following:

• Take your shoes off and walk barefoot on grass
• Eat an ice cream
• Go to the seaside
• Get over it

Okay?

We’ve had a funny few weeks on ‘How do you eat an elephant?’ haven’t we? It’s all been a bit wobbly and Boo Hoo and why don’t we just go ahead and jump out the window. To be fair, I think I got a little bit lost in things that don’t matter – you know, like the future and stuff.

The last time I updated you I was feeling a bit scared and a bit hidey and a bit WHAT THE FUCK? I’ve settled down again now and I’m mostly thinking that old thing about the future starting here.
Let’s forget about all the weird shit I could worry about. I’m a happy and lucky little soul. And that’s going to do me……

Here’s a song…

#lovedup

Love you lots like jelly tots

Posted in About today

You do it to yourself

Posted on by WeeGee

Today I have mostly been feeling quiet and introverted. I’ve also been feeling grateful for all the lovely people I have in my life – especially those who spotted the ‘hide’ and popped up to say ‘hey – are you hiding WeeGee?’ I love you all like jelly tots xoxox

I’m not entirely sure what I’m hiding from unless, of course, it’s the future, which is my favourite thing to hide from. The future is a bit like time and space insofar as that it’s impossible to comprehend and way too big for a simple creature such as WeeGee to get her head around.

Last night I wrote a post. I was trying to say stuff, and make sense of stuff, but when I came to read it back it seemed like it had been written by somebody else. That wasn’t me at all, and so I started to wonder just how lost I really am. Truth told, I think I’m a lot more lost than I’d ever care to admit. Oh bums and stuff….

Yesterday I was all brave and ‘let’s give this a go’. Today I’m frightened and overwhelmed and not sure where to turn next. Today I am reminded that a ‘highly sensitive individual’ is easily confused, and easily scared, and maybe not cut out for this whole dating thing. I do the same thing every time – fall head over heels in love with a guy who just doesn’t feel the same way. I remember the good bits and ignore the great big flashing warning signs. I do it to myself:

So what next for WeeGee? Who knows…..? Maybe I need to listen to Mr Wise, or maybe I need to listen to Mrs Mountain, or maybe I need to listen to Mrs Sparkle, or maybe I need to find a way to listen to my heart – which is an awful lot easier said than done.

In all of this Mr Awesome Thing Number Five gets a bum deal and I feel really sorry for that. Then again – I can only ever be the mental person I was supposed to be. This is Wibbly wobbly wobbling WeeGee – I guess you take it or you leave it.

I’m not sure if this post makes a lot of sense, but I do know that it sounds like me. That, I guess, is the main thing.

Meanwhile in other news I spent a lot of time today planning my next Tatty Devine purchase. Nothing else to report today save that I love you all lots and lots like jelly tots and tots.

WeeGee xoxoxo

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

Thus the sky has nothing to scatter but red….

Posted on by WeeGee

It’s pretty late. As in well past WeeGee’s bed time pretty late. The thing is my brain is not going to consent to going to sleep and I don’t have the energy to have that particular argument with myslef so I’m going to go right ahead and blog instead.

Hello! Welcome to my insomniac, wibbly wobbly wobbling post 🙂 I might as well tell you the short story because the long story is, well, long…..

So – I had a date. Third date actually with a total sweetie. And I had a lovely time. And that ought to be all you need to know. But then WeeGee did a WeeGee and pushed the infamous self sabotage button….

‘Dear Mr Awesome Thing Number Five,

Oh, you’re not thinking of running a mile? Let me behave like a weirdo until you do

Love, WeeGee’

Why can’t I just take nice and enjoy it? What on earth is the matter with me?

If I’m lost tonight, it’s only because I lost myself. And, as Mr Wise quite rightly pointed out – I seem to be doing this on purpose. How many more inappropriate guys am I going to fall in love with? Do I even want someone to care let alone love me? Do you like this song? It’s AWESOME:

Oh – and as for the title of my post? I went to the Science Museum on Saturday and a little person had drawn an awesome picture and explained some science that was beyond me and ended by pointing out that the sky had nothing else to scatter but red. I liked it.

Love you with all of my heart xoxoxo

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

Wibbly wobbly wobbling

Posted on by WeeGee

Before anybody mentions it:

• Yes, it’s ridiculous o’clock in the morning
• Yes, I’m awake
• Yes, I’ve been awake for hours
• Yes, I’ve tried going back to sleep
• No, I can’t get back to sleep
• ROAR

That clears up the background…..

How’s everybody been? Since last she popped up WeeGee has mostly been AWESOME with occasional outbreaks of wibbly wobbly wobbling. I do love the odd bout of wibbly wobbly wobbling, but only because it’s good fun to say.

By the way, before I forget, if you notice the odd missing ‘L’ in this post can you please be too polite to mention it because it’s not my fault that the ‘L’ key on my laptop is feeling a bit temperamental and is refusing to type every so often.

Anyway – back to the wibbly wobbly wobbling* well, it just seems to happen every so often. It would appear that when I’ve nothing to be wibbly or wobbly about I’ll ramble around my head until I find something to make me go a bit wibbly wobbly. And then I wobble about for a while until I remember that I’ve got nothing to be wibbly wobbly about and then everything is AWESOME again. All of this just to say:

WeeGee wobbles but she won’t fall down**

It was Mrs Mountain day yesterday. Now I only see her every other week I try to use the time as wisely as I can because, you know, a fortnight can be a long time on planet mental so you have to make sure Mrs Mountain has heard all about it.

This week we were trying to figure out how and when it became such a big deal for WeeGee to let people into her life – by which we really meant ‘what’s the problem with people you don’t know very well coming into your flat and why do you feel the need to do EVERYTHING and ANYTHING you possibly can to avoid it?’

On the face of it, I guess it seems quite straightforward. This is MY space, it’s where I hid during the wilderness years, it’s where I paced about thinking completely and utterly bonkers stuff, it’s where I got better, it’s where I figure stuff out. They say an English man’s home is his castle. I guess a Scottish girl’s home is her teeny tiny flat…..

I suppose there’s also the fact that I’m quite ‘particular’ about certain things, you know, like angles and stuff. Nothing just ‘is’ in my flat – it’s ‘placed’ and if I’ve placed something somewhere and somehow that’s exactly how I want it to stay. The thing with other people is they don’t know the rules and they mess stuff up and put stuff that doesn’t belong in my flat in places it doesn’t have any right to be. And that upsets my sensibilities. They are also liable to switch the big light in the kitchen on and for some reason that makes me want to punch them in the face. Hard.

Still, there’s more to it than that, because that’s all stuff I can think my way out of. What I can’t think myself out of is the ‘empty’ people leave behind when they go away. When I first started living alone I thought the ‘empty’ was going to consume me. I hated it. It made me want to jump off tall things. And then I got used to it. I filled the space up with things that matter to me – tokens, memories, pictures, thoughts. I forgot what empty felt like by focusing on the mementos and how important they were to me and convincing myself that there’s no such thing as alone.

So anyway. Suppose I got used to having someone around? Not all of the time, because that’s completely out of the question, but maybe some of the time? Maybe on occasional evenings? Or at the weekend? It might be alright. But. That someone would start to fill the space up with themselves wouldn’t they? And that also might be alright. But. What if, at some point in the future, they stopped being around? Would I have to spend my time running away from empty until I got used to it again? The thing is I really don’t think I want to do that because I’m not entirely convinced I can.

As always, you will see that I have more questions than answers. I’ll have to have one of my little thinks about it. I’ll probably do a bit of wibbly wobbly wobbling as well, but I guess in the end it’ll all be AWESOME.

Meanwhile in other news, after the adventures in the ‘nipple-tastic’ dress last week yesterday I opted for the ‘makes WeeGee looks like she might be preggers’ dress. As pointed out by Mr Hilarious (very loudly). Nothing else to report today save that WeeGee very definitely doesn’t have a bun in the oven, and she’s never wearing that particular dress again.

Love you all lots and lots like polka dots***

WeeGee xoxoxox

P.S. Did I miss any Ls out?

*Have you tried saying it yet? Oh go on, I promise it’ll make you smile
**Like a weeble!
***I LOVE polka dots