Posted in Welcome to my world

Dare I dare?

Okay. Point number one is that I swear to god I’ll do the whole ‘awesome birthday, fed the penguins’ post before the week is out. I’m dying to share it with you but every time I have the time to share it there seem to be other, more important things to say…..

So. What can be more important than ‘awesome birthday, fed the penguins?’ Well. Interesting things are happening here in WeeGee land. Like WeeGee might just trust someone, and WeeGee tells someone the whole story, and WeeGee realises that all of this trust and truth is unprecedented, and WeeGee gets a bit scared and feels the fear and does it anyway. I’ve got a feeling that WeeGee is learning to cope.

Mrs Mountain and I had a good long chat last week. And it was up to me what we chatted about. That’s always been the way but I don’t think I realised how in charge I was. I think that maybe I underestimate myself. Most of the time I’m in charge but in my head I’m not. I guess I’m stronger than I think I am.

The point is that I’m doing this. I’m being alive, and I’m having a life, and a ‘relationship’ and when I hide its a blip instead of the norm. I care about the stuff I care about. I feel like things are starting rather than ending. I feel like its going to be okay.

Above all else – I’m not hiding. And although I think my story is tough, and ugly, and unbearable I seem to have found a man who doesn’t mind and who loves me any way. Big word, eh?

Dare I dare to think myself lucky?

Lots and lots of jelly tots xxxxx

Posted in Welcome to my world

The opposite of a jolly post

Every so often I’m left wondering what gets in to me. Here I am, to all intents and purposes happy yet still I can’t quite shake off the feeling that something’s wrong. I don’t actually know what’s wrong. All I know is that in my heart, or in my head, it just isn’t right. I can’t help thinking that this is as good as it gets for an alien on planet earth – that no matter how good it gets, or what you’ve got going for you, the bit that’s broken always rises to the surface to mess things up…..

I find myself in hiding mode. I feel like I want to sit here until I figure it all out which would be fine if I knew what ‘it all’ actually was. So instead of figuring it all out I’m flitting about from one website to another, and googling random stuff to keep my brain occupied, and pacing, and staring, and trying my very best not to cry. I can’t cry because I know that as soon as I start there will be a very real and present danger that I’ll never be able to stop crying again.

This is a jolly little post, isn’t it.

The worst of it, I think, is that this is coming from nowhere. Nothing is one thing, but nothing creeping up on you not just when you least expect it but when you positively don’t expect it? Well that just well and truly sucks.

I should get up. I should shower and leave the house. I should eat something. I should phone a friend. I should PULL MYSELF TOGETHER. I should give myself a break, and a bit of peace and quiet, and I should poke myself in the eye to see if that gets me going. I should do a million and one things but I don’t think I’m going to do any of them.

Maybe I’m just feeling sorry for myself. Or maybe this is the reality of broken brain. For all the meds, and the talking, and the self soothing, and the people who just want you well this is all there really is. Nothing. And nothing will come of nothing. For all the times you think you’re better nothing is still hiding in your brain. It’ll always come back and you won’t know how long it’s going to stick around for.

But hey: Upwards and onwards. Keep on keeping on. Do the right thing. All things must pass.

Tomorrow always comes.

Lots of love from WeeGee xoxoxo

Posted in Recovery?

Hope is important: an update

I’ve written this post in my head about a million times over the past few months, but every time I sit down to write it I end up writing a different one instead. I’m not sure why – maybe I wanted to be circumspect for a change, or maybe I was worried that in writing the post I’d tempt fate, and jinx things, and somehow mess everything up. As is my way. Except, of course, that isn’t ‘my way’ at all. It’s a ridiculous conflation of past events that have no bearing on the here and now whatsoever.

When you start to remember to leave the past behind the future starts to feel a whole lot brighter……

I’ve been thinking about journeys again, insofar as that life is a only a journey and the only thing that anybody truly hopes for is not to reach the destination until they are very old, and they’ve done all the things, and been all the places, and read all the books, and met all the people they were supposed to.

As for my journey so far? Well, it hasn’t exactly been a happy journey but I’m content with that. Maybe I had to lead myself in and out and back into the wilderness so that I could get to this point – feeling confident that the next time the wilderness starts to beckon my brain is going to have all the ammunition it needs to save me. That’s what a lifetime being mental is all about – finally learning how to save yourself.

You probably think Mr Wise got his name because he’s wise which is only a little bit true because Mr Wise is wise in a very special way. Not many people have the kind of wisdom he does because not many people spend years of their lives battling their demons so that they can learn how to save themselves. As you know, Mr Wise saved me at least three billion squillion times. What I’ve never told you is that every single time he did he told me that one day I would learn how to save myself. I didn’t tell you because I wasn’t ready to believe him. But he was right.

Life is going to throw all kinds of stuff at me and my brain, I know that. What I also know is that I’m going to take it on the chin, keep an eye on my priorities and survive it. I’m not going to sweat the small stuff anymore, because I figured out what matters and how to keep it so that it always matters so much more than the small stuff.

I’m not so naive that I think I’ll never have a grey day again, and I’ll tell you what, I truly hope that my AWESOME days aren’t over with just yet. But I’ve found insight and perspective and I don’t plan on letting go. If you’re an ex smoker you might understand because there comes a point in the quitting process when you know in your heart that you’ve done it. I feel a bit like that about jumping off tall things, and hiding in bed for weeks, and starving myself to death, and carving my limbs up just because I can. I’m never going to have to do any of that again.

At this point in my journey I know that I matter just as much as other people. I know that an emotional attachment isn’t a bad thing. I know that taking a risk isn’t the same as being reckless. I know that I’m always going to be a bit vulnerable. I know that I’m always going to be strong. I know that nobody lets you down on purpose. I know that feelings grow but never ought to consume you. I know that I’m the only person who can hold myself together and save me. The last one is a big one because I wasted so much time thinking someone else would come to my rescue instead of getting stuck in and taking care of myself.

I also know something I knew all along, the one thing I never lost sight of, or let go of: Hope Is Important. Hope is what carries your heart when it’s too heavy for you to bear anymore.

I’m going to hold on to hope and that way I’ll always be able to save myself.

Love, WeeGee xoxoxo

Posted in Welcome to my world

Love, loyalty and laughter

I really want to write a coherent and sensible post tonight but before I get to that there are one or two things I need to get off my chest:

Fucksticks (best swear word ever). Shitbags (close second). Arsehole (a good description of almost every man I ever met). Buggeration (but not literally*). Bastard (because why the hell not). Fuck, fuck, FUCKITY fuck (just to round it all off)

And breathe……

Today I have mostly been working very hard to make sure that the mentals don’t bite because I’m tired of all the mental stuff and because when it comes to dealing with the flat and empties nobody knows the drill better than I do. Besides, what’s the point of learning all the lessons I’ve been learning if I’m not prepared to listen to them when it really matters?

I’m in a funny place right now, but sadly it isn’t a funny haha kinda place. It’s funny in that I can see it for what it is, and know it, and understand it but still feel too frightened to do the thing I’m supposed to do to make it better because the thing I’m supposed to do to make it better wont feel better in the short term. Pah! And I said this would be sensible and coherent!

Oh dear oh dear. Can I have a hug?

I had plans tonight but I cancelled them because I wanted to be alone which is to say I wanted to hide from the world because I don’t like the world today and therefore want no part in it. That’s not a good sign. I know that. But hey – I’ve got what I got…. And at least I made it out of bed, and managed three square meals and have no intention of jumping out the window. That’s what WeeGee does when she doesn’t want the mentals to bite.

I’ve got plans tomorrow too, and the day after and the day after – which would feel like a life if only I wanted to have one. More to the point it would feel like a life if only I could trust myself to have it. Maybe I’ll cancel my plans and maybe I won’t. I still don’t know how best to keep myself safe. Smile and pretend, or cry and accept? Answers on the back of a postcard.

I had a long chat with Mr Wise earlier. It’s ages since I had a long chat with Mr Wise because it’s ages since I needed him. Mr Wise reminded me that I have to remember who I am and stick to it – if people don’t want my loyalty, or my love, or my laughter then they don’t want me and I can’t want people who don’t want me because that’s a recipe for disaster if ever there was one.

So I guess I have to hope for one of two things. Either my love and laughter and loyalty will win through and there’ll be a happy ending amidst the confusion, or there won’t be but It’ll still be okay in the end anyway. I’ve been okay before right?

All of this to say that I’m a bit uncertain and bleak but somehow hopeful because I can do uncertainty and bleak and come out the other side being all AWESOME and stuff. Wish me luck.

By way of goodbye why don’t you have a lovely little song – from my heart to yours:

Love you lots like jelly tots xoxoxoxoxo

Posted in Welcome to my world

The wide awake club

I suppose I should start by filling you in on the background. The background is this: it is presently four thirty in the morning and I’ve been awake since a little after one. In the time that has intervened I have mostly been crying. You’ve probably figured out that I’m somewhat prone to crying by now, but three and a half hours worth of crying is quite something even by the WeeGee’s standards. Anyway, I’m a little bored of the non stop crying now, not least because it has given me a rather spectacular headache.

I started crying when I realised that I was so lost in all the thoughts and feelings swimming around in my head that I couldn’t tell which were the thoughts and which were the feelings anymore. I’m all mixed up and it occurs that the only person who ever managed to make my jumbly messes go away is so far away right now that it might as well be a different planet. But that’s a whole ‘nother story……

Anyway. The point is this: nobody is going to pick me up, hold me tight, and stay with me until the world goes away which means that it’s time for WeeGee to start fighting again even though WeeGee doesn’t feel much like fighting because she’d rather just cry in spite of her spectacular headache.

Every so often I think I’ve made it to the shore – it’s safe and it’s solid and I like it there but just as I get used to the ground beneath my feet I’m cut adrift to sail the stormy seas once more.

A while ago I wrote that I felt like my heart had turned to stone. I wish I could feel like that now because my heart is big and heavy again and I think it might be too much for me to bear. I’m alone and frightened because I did what I always do – I hoped. I hoped that I was better, that I’d finally turned the lights back on, that I wouldn’t have to sit in the dark ever again.

I try to tell myself that hope is important, but I don’t really believe it because I’ve done a lot of hoping in my life and it never got me anywhere but here – sailing alone on dark and stormy seas with thoughts that might be feelings and feelings that might be thoughts jumbling around in my broken brain. And the words ‘but I love you’ ringing in my ears.

Love WeeGee McWideAwake xoxoxox

Posted in About today

That joke isn’t funny anymore

I knew that today was going to be complete and utter crapola when I discovered a small hole in my tube of betnovate* – if ever there was a sign from above, that there is it.

To be honest, I’ve been waiting for today to come around for a while now because I’ve been a bit preoccupied and overwhelmed and worried and when I get a bit preoccupied and overwhelmed and worried I know that its only a matter of time before a mild case of the flat and empties strikes. Looking on the bright side, I’ve at least got to a point where the flat and empties no longer strike without prior notice…..

There’s nothing the matter with me that a little think won’t sort out – I know that, but I’m tired of my little thinks and facing up to things and talking about stuff. The only thing I really want to do today is pretend that the world isn’t happening around me, mainly because I don’t feel much like I’m part of the world and why would I want to acknowledge some place that I don’t belong in anyway?

Oh {insert a swear word of your choosing here}

It was Mrs Mountain day today and, given my mood, I’m not entirely sure that was a good thing because I feel like I might have wasted Mrs Mountain’s time as well as my own and I do so hate wasting time especially when I’m paying for the privilege of experiencing the time in question. On which note, it occurs that I don’t suppose Mrs Mountain much minds that I wasted her time, which makes me feel a little better about the whole thing.

There was an awful lot of stuff I needed to discuss with Mrs Mountain today – in fact my list for today was probably one of the longest lists I’ve ever had but when I finally got to New Malden** none of it mattered anymore because I’d slipped into ‘nothing matters so what’s the point?’ mode which isn’t an ideal mode to be in on Mrs Mountain day.

Pfft.

Here is a list of the important questions that I didn’t but should have discussed with Mrs Mountain today:

Why does someone wanting to ‘look after’ WeeGee scare the living daylights out of her when actually it’s a lovely thing to want to do and WeeGee ought to feel blessed that somebody might want to do it for her?

Why do so many people think that WeeGee falls in love ‘too easily’ when actually it’s the hardest thing in the world for her to do?

Why does WeeGee feel like there’s a blackness in her heart even when she is, to all intents and purposes, happy?

What do people really see when they see WeeGee?

Why can’t WeeGee shake off the feeling that she is neither a real or proper person even though her logical brain knows that she is obviously real and mostly proper***

Confusing stuff isn’t it? And that isn’t even the full list…… I sooooo need a lift to planet mental.

Double pfft.

Anyway. I’m not sure there’s a point to today’s post which is just fine and dandy because there isn’t much of a point to anything and why should my blog be any different anyway. I’ll doubtless be back tomorrow, bouncing off the walls and being all AWESOME and stuff but for today I’m quiet, and grey, and full of the flat and empties but not like I used to be because I just want to make dinner and watch rubbish telly and wait for tomorrow instead of starving myself, hiding and then jumping off a tall thing so that tomorrow never comes.

I guess that goes down as progress…..

I leave you today with a little song that speaks to me today:

Love in spite of a hint of the doomy gloomies from WeeGee xoxoxox

*only fellow betnovate users will understand this one – it’s hard enough to get betnovate out of the tube without factoring in a hole in the bloomin’ tube. ROAR
**after considerable transport chaos. ROAR
***I suppose how ‘proper’ I am depends on your take on morals and stuff…..

Posted in About today

Wrong frame of mind

I’ve spent most of today being in the ‘wrong frame of mind’ – at least according to Mr Hilarious’ analysis. I’m not sure what I’m in the ‘wrong frame of mind’ for unless it’s life on planet earth……

Pfffffffft.

To be honest I feel a lot like swearing but not in my usual casual way, in fact, I feel like saying all the REALLY bad words I know just because I can. Then again, that wouldn’t make for a very good post, would it?

I think I’m mostly just tired. I’m tired of my job, and of my friends, and of my family, but most of all I think I’m tired of being awake. I’ve actually been awake for quite a long time despite my very best efforts to the contrary.

Tonight I keep thinking that I wish people would just let me be, trust me to know myself, and have some faith in the fact that WeeGee might be a lot of things but being a TOTAL IDIOT really isn’t one of them.

I know that people are trying to care and I know I’m lucky that they do but one of these days I’m going to have to step back out into the real world without a safety net. It’s tough I guess for the people who dragged me out of the dark but now I’m out of it I need to be in charge again because when it comes down to it I’m a strong little thing and when I’m well it’s my way or the highway.

Above all else I’d like everybody to just leave me alone for a while and stop with all this wisdom that doesn’t always sound very wise to me. What I really need is for someone to tell me that all is, and will be well. Because WeeGee is a strong and independent woman who can work all this stuff out by herself. And because things don’t always have to end badly – because sometimes they don’t have to end at all.

And if any of this made any sense to you….. Welcome to planet mental

Love you lots

WeeGee xoxoxoxo

Posted in About today

Stone

I figured it was about time I did a bit of an update from WeeGee land because it’s been a while. It’s not so much that I’ve been putting it off it’s just that I haven’t really known where to start…..

I wonder where I should start?

So. On a scale of one to mental, I don’t think I’m mental at all. Which is good. At the same time, I’m not convinced that I’m entirely myself. From the outside looking in it must seem that I am because I’m doing a good job of pretending to be me – all jaunty and hilarious and AWESOME. But something isn’t quite right. In fact it feels a lot like my big swollen heart got swapped out for a stone. How on earth do you go about finding your heart again?

I’m not used to being so distant and separate from the people I care about. I’m not sure I like it, but I keep coming back to the notion that the harder your heart is the less you get hurt. Maybe I’m doing this on purpose. Maybe shutting the whole world out is perfectly rational in light of everything? I don’t know…..

I’ve a lot to be sad about right now. I need to remember that and accept that sad is okay sometimes. I’ve also got a few things to care about. I need to remember that as as well and accept that one of these days caring is going to have a happy ending. Whatever that might be.

In summary? I’m a bit mixed up but holding on tight.

Love you all lots and lots xoxoxoxoxox

Posted in About today

Because it was there

Today I have mostly been thinking about how far I’ve come since this time last year. When I think back to how I felt, and I how ill I actually was in March 2012 it’s tempting to come to the conclusion that I’m a different person altogether…

It was a fairly standard Sunday in WeeGee land – brunch with Mr Brave, a good long run, a chit chat with Mrs Sparkle, and making French onion soup with a bit of soccer ball in the background for good measure. It’s hardly rock and roll but when you compare it to curling up in a teeny tiny ball wishing you were dead you have to admit it’s a pretty damn sweet life I’ve got going on for myself now.

Even the setbacks don’t feel too much like setbacks anymore. When rubbish things happen now I recognise that although they might make me feel sad they are little more than the ‘contingencies of life’ and that whatever you think, or however you feel, life will keep going on so long as you’re prepared to let it. I wish I could pinpoint the moment when I decided that all this living stuff was for me, but I can’t; it just kind of crept up on me.

This week has been and gone now. It was a fairly solemn week what with one thing and another but IT WASN’T THE END OF THE WORLD. This week was just another week where things, and stuff and what not happened and where WeeGee faced up to it all and said I STILL WANT TO BE ALIVE THANKS ALL THE SAME.

More than anything this week I feel like I’ve suddenly realised that this is what recovery feels like. It isn’t perfect – sometimes I get sad, sometimes I cry until I can’t cry anymore, sometimes I wish there was a stop button and sometimes I just want to hide. But most of the time I’m still out there, doing my little thing and climbing that impossibly tall mountain that goes by the name of life.

WeeGee: intrepid and fearless mountaineer.

HUGE ginormous hugs from WeeGee xoxoxox

Posted in About today

I’ll love you forever

Evening everybody.

Just a quick one from me tonight – I’m afraid I haven’t given it too much thought so it might be a little rough around the edges.

Today I have mostly been having a quiet day to myself: I took the day off work and focused on a) sorting my money out, b) sorting myself out and c) doing stuff that I like doing. I’ve pretty much achieved all three so I think today counts as a rare success.

To be honest I can’t decide whether I feel sad or hopeful today. Is it possible to feel both? I seem to have rediscovered the feeling that I’ll never really know how I feel – which means at worst I can be okay without ever really understanding why, or how I’m okay. Still – okay is okay and I guess I’ll have to take that.

Anyway all of that aside- I wondered if you might do me a little favour and head over to Youtube and ‘like’ this video:

I’ll love you forever if you do……

I leave you tonight with one of my all time favourite songs. It’s a lovely song. You should have a little listen:

Lots of love WeeGee xoxoxoxoxo