Tag: Mental health

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

Thus the sky has nothing to scatter but red….

Posted on by WeeGee

It’s pretty late. As in well past WeeGee’s bed time pretty late. The thing is my brain is not going to consent to going to sleep and I don’t have the energy to have that particular argument with myslef so I’m going to go right ahead and blog instead.

Hello! Welcome to my insomniac, wibbly wobbly wobbling post 🙂 I might as well tell you the short story because the long story is, well, long…..

So – I had a date. Third date actually with a total sweetie. And I had a lovely time. And that ought to be all you need to know. But then WeeGee did a WeeGee and pushed the infamous self sabotage button….

‘Dear Mr Awesome Thing Number Five,

Oh, you’re not thinking of running a mile? Let me behave like a weirdo until you do

Love, WeeGee’

Why can’t I just take nice and enjoy it? What on earth is the matter with me?

If I’m lost tonight, it’s only because I lost myself. And, as Mr Wise quite rightly pointed out – I seem to be doing this on purpose. How many more inappropriate guys am I going to fall in love with? Do I even want someone to care let alone love me? Do you like this song? It’s AWESOME:

Oh – and as for the title of my post? I went to the Science Museum on Saturday and a little person had drawn an awesome picture and explained some science that was beyond me and ended by pointing out that the sky had nothing else to scatter but red. I liked it.

Love you with all of my heart xoxoxo

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

Wibbly wobbly wobbling

Posted on by WeeGee

Before anybody mentions it:

• Yes, it’s ridiculous o’clock in the morning
• Yes, I’m awake
• Yes, I’ve been awake for hours
• Yes, I’ve tried going back to sleep
• No, I can’t get back to sleep
• ROAR

That clears up the background…..

How’s everybody been? Since last she popped up WeeGee has mostly been AWESOME with occasional outbreaks of wibbly wobbly wobbling. I do love the odd bout of wibbly wobbly wobbling, but only because it’s good fun to say.

By the way, before I forget, if you notice the odd missing ‘L’ in this post can you please be too polite to mention it because it’s not my fault that the ‘L’ key on my laptop is feeling a bit temperamental and is refusing to type every so often.

Anyway – back to the wibbly wobbly wobbling* well, it just seems to happen every so often. It would appear that when I’ve nothing to be wibbly or wobbly about I’ll ramble around my head until I find something to make me go a bit wibbly wobbly. And then I wobble about for a while until I remember that I’ve got nothing to be wibbly wobbly about and then everything is AWESOME again. All of this just to say:

WeeGee wobbles but she won’t fall down**

It was Mrs Mountain day yesterday. Now I only see her every other week I try to use the time as wisely as I can because, you know, a fortnight can be a long time on planet mental so you have to make sure Mrs Mountain has heard all about it.

This week we were trying to figure out how and when it became such a big deal for WeeGee to let people into her life – by which we really meant ‘what’s the problem with people you don’t know very well coming into your flat and why do you feel the need to do EVERYTHING and ANYTHING you possibly can to avoid it?’

On the face of it, I guess it seems quite straightforward. This is MY space, it’s where I hid during the wilderness years, it’s where I paced about thinking completely and utterly bonkers stuff, it’s where I got better, it’s where I figure stuff out. They say an English man’s home is his castle. I guess a Scottish girl’s home is her teeny tiny flat…..

I suppose there’s also the fact that I’m quite ‘particular’ about certain things, you know, like angles and stuff. Nothing just ‘is’ in my flat – it’s ‘placed’ and if I’ve placed something somewhere and somehow that’s exactly how I want it to stay. The thing with other people is they don’t know the rules and they mess stuff up and put stuff that doesn’t belong in my flat in places it doesn’t have any right to be. And that upsets my sensibilities. They are also liable to switch the big light in the kitchen on and for some reason that makes me want to punch them in the face. Hard.

Still, there’s more to it than that, because that’s all stuff I can think my way out of. What I can’t think myself out of is the ‘empty’ people leave behind when they go away. When I first started living alone I thought the ‘empty’ was going to consume me. I hated it. It made me want to jump off tall things. And then I got used to it. I filled the space up with things that matter to me – tokens, memories, pictures, thoughts. I forgot what empty felt like by focusing on the mementos and how important they were to me and convincing myself that there’s no such thing as alone.

So anyway. Suppose I got used to having someone around? Not all of the time, because that’s completely out of the question, but maybe some of the time? Maybe on occasional evenings? Or at the weekend? It might be alright. But. That someone would start to fill the space up with themselves wouldn’t they? And that also might be alright. But. What if, at some point in the future, they stopped being around? Would I have to spend my time running away from empty until I got used to it again? The thing is I really don’t think I want to do that because I’m not entirely convinced I can.

As always, you will see that I have more questions than answers. I’ll have to have one of my little thinks about it. I’ll probably do a bit of wibbly wobbly wobbling as well, but I guess in the end it’ll all be AWESOME.

Meanwhile in other news, after the adventures in the ‘nipple-tastic’ dress last week yesterday I opted for the ‘makes WeeGee looks like she might be preggers’ dress. As pointed out by Mr Hilarious (very loudly). Nothing else to report today save that WeeGee very definitely doesn’t have a bun in the oven, and she’s never wearing that particular dress again.

Love you all lots and lots like polka dots***

WeeGee xoxoxox

P.S. Did I miss any Ls out?

*Have you tried saying it yet? Oh go on, I promise it’ll make you smile
**Like a weeble!
***I LOVE polka dots

Posted in About today

Topsy turvy, wobble wobble

Posted on by WeeGee

Well. It’s all been a bit topsy turvey, wobble wobble, WeeGee has a little think of late hasn’t it? Thanks for sticking by me and for putting up with me – I really appreciate that.

There’s been a lot going on, and I’ve kinda been skirting around it on my blog. I figured I might as well do a bit of a fill in the gaps post so that you all know where I’m at and so that I’ve taken the time to explain it all. It’s either that or do the whole ostrich routine. Which is boring……

I’m wobbling because I can’t control what’s going to happen and if ever anything is going to make me wobble it’s not being in charge of the future. A while ago, I decided I needed a break from dating because, you know, there was some thinking to do, and lessons to learn. And then Mr Awesome Thing Number Five turned up. Which wasn’t supposed to happen and which challenged the whole take a break thing.

So – why did I want to take a dating break?:

• Because I’m still, however well I’m doing, mental
• Because I actually like being alone
• Because I keep (quite deliberately) hooking up with inappropriate blokes – which proves the last two points
• Because everything ends and I can’t stand endings

Why don’t I want to take a break anymore?:

• Mental isn’t the end of the world
• Being alone isn’t exclusive to spending time with people
• Mr Awesome Thing Number Five isn’t inappropriate in anyway
• You have to do the thing before you get to the ending…..

Hmmm.

I guess I just have to wait and see don’t I?

Whilst we’re sort of on the subject I want to wrap Mr X up. He feels a long time ago, and I know he was inappropriate. If you ‘separate’ from your spouse but find yourself living with said spouse seven months later then you are clearly not ready to date. I knew that at the time, in my head at least. I’m not sad that things didn’t work out between Mr X and I, because they were never going to. I’m just sad I lost a friend, and I don’t really understand why meeting up for a cup of tea is so unspeakably impossible. Then again, as Mr Wise pointed out – that’s a useful lesson in how other people don’t always behave like WeeGee.

But back to Mr Awesome Thing Number Five. Well he’s sweet. And he’s lovely. And I think he’s going to tell me the truth.

And I’m terrified.

But I’m not going to hide.

Love you all lots and lots. Like jelly tots and tots.

Posted in About today

I want to be alone

Posted on by WeeGee

You might have noticed that I’ve been a little bit wobbly of late. I could say that I don’t know why I’m wobbly but if I said that it would be a lie and I’m not much of a one for that. You might also have noticed that it’s THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. Well yeah, I’m not sleeping well on account of being a little bit wobbly and stuff like that……

I can’t pretend. I’m kind of, sort of, and mostly hiding in my little hidey hole. I like it here. It’s all easy, and safe, and no-one can get in. And my god, I wish it was that easy. Turns out that you can’t keep the world out by pretending it isn’t happening. That’s the thing about the world. It doesn’t stop. Not even when you want it to……

So – I met this guy. In an accidental fashion, as is always the way. And he’s sweet. And he’s lovely. And he’s funny. And he’s clever. And he’s already verging on too good to be true. And I keep thinking, as is my way, that I don’t deserve this. He’s a special person and special people always leave.
I’m kind of annoyed with myself because I know it didn’t ought to matter, and I know that this is my downfall. But what if, just for once in my life, I’m right? What if I stumbled across that special person who wants to live in my heart? Even for a little while?

But then I remember that I’m wrong.

I spent a long time wishing I wasn’t alone. And then I got used to it.

Posted in Recovery?

Ships with holes will sink

Posted on by WeeGee

The first thing to say about today’s post is that it’s completely unrelated to the title. ‘Ships with holes will sink’ is the name of a song I’ve been listening to a lot recently, mainly because it seems to neatly sum up that thing I refer to as ‘the story of my life’. Needless to say it isn’t exactly cheerful, and I don’t suppose it’ll be everybody’s cup of tea but we might as well have a listen to get us started:

http://youtu.be/-HNsArPBRQY

Count your lucky stars you got the acoustic version because the album track would have given you a sense of what it sometimes sounds like inside my head and it isn’t exactly easy listening……

Anyway – since last I blogged I’ve been doing what I’ve always been doing since last I blogged: having a nice little think. Sometimes I wonder if I might be the most thoughtful person on the planet but then I remember my blogging buddies and realise that I’m one of an elite few alien-people from planet mental. It makes a difference, doesn’t it? Knowing you’re not alone?

There was a point over the weekend when I felt like I was completely and utterly alone AND on the wrong planet. There were nasty little thoughts swimming around in my head and I was starting to feel something I hadn’t felt for a little while – hopeless. And then I thought something very important. I thought what would Mrs Mountain suggest? It turns out that you don’t have to see Mrs Mountain every week to get the benefit of her wisdom. I think that might be what you call progress.

I suppose all happened was that somebody got under WeeGee’s skin because they said something that seemed to prove all the terrible things that WeeGee thinks about her worthless self and her ugly black heart. The point I think is that the words said nothing whatsoever about WeeGee and awful lot about the person who said them. I’m so busy trying to see the good in people, and looking for a way to forgive them that I forget to remember that sometimes people say and do shitty things and it’s okay to be disappointed. You don’t have to turn it all back on yourself. More progress, I guess.

I’ve been thinking a lot about these claims I make about being ‘shy’ because Mr Trendy said that I’m probably the least shy person he knows. The point, I think, is that he’s right. I’m not shy at all. It’s just that shy is a handy thing to fall back on when people scare you, and when you want to hide, and when you want to avoid the start because you can’t bear the ending. I’ve never really thought of it that way before, but it seems like an important way to think about it.

The headline today, I guess, is that WeeGee is hanging on to her sense of self even though it’s easily shaken and that she’s still managing to learn brand new things about the way she operates out there in the world. You can’t say fairer than that.

Meanwhile in other news I’m a little bit fed up because it turns out that one of the initial side effects of light therapy is that your skin gets REALLY sore. Nothing else to report save that one of the other initial side effects of light therapy is getting a rather nice, Mediterranean looking tan. Swings and round abouts and all that……

Cheery bye, sweetie pies. WeeGee xoxoxoxoxo

Posted in Welcome to my world

Float on….

Posted on by WeeGee

Do you know what I’ve got today? I’ve got no patience. As in none whatsoever. As in World Shut Your Mouth. As in can WeeGee just be left in peace and quiet hiding in her little hidey hole pretending that the world doesn’t exist? By the way, if the answer to that question turns out to be no there’s going to be an awful lot of swearing in WeeGee land and one or two (or three) idiots might get poked in the eye. Why is there never a shortage of idiots? Will it ever be socially acceptable to poke an idiot in the eye? More to the point could I poke an idiot in the eye and blame it on the fact I’m mental AND I’ve got no patience today?

Notwithstanding the lack of patience and the prevalence of idiots I’ve actually been having a nice little think since I last blogged. I’ve been thinking about all kinds of things like how you probably have to get to know me really well before you realise that my intensity is really only an exaggeration of something far more sensible. And about how I promised myself that I wasn’t going to cling on to things that make me feel small, or insignificant, or unhappy. And about how the story doesn’t end until you’re dead. And about how I hope it’s a very long time before I wind up dead. And about how I always loved stories anyway…..

Before we go any further we should probably have a song because I’ve got a couple for you today and I don’t want to have to squeeze them all in at the end. This one is a funny one, in that it’s very old and it isn’t really up my usual street but it makes me happy when I hear it. I don’t know why it lifts my heart –I’d guess that it was some kind of long forgotten positive association if it hadn’t been in the charts when WeeGee was kicking about with Mr Fylde, or rather when WeeGee was getting kicked about by Mr Fylde* so there wasn’t a lot of positive stuff going on at the time. Anyway – after a very long and perhaps unnecessary introduction here is a song that lifts WeeGee’s heart for no apparent reason:

Did it make you smile too? Anyway – back to my nice little think…..

A lot of my nice little think has been about how so much of life turns on being in the right place at the right time, or the wrong place at the wrong time, or the right place at the wrong time, or the wrong place at the right time. I suppose it’s been making me sad because if you don’t believe in fate, or destiny or stuff like that the chances of the right place and time colliding start to feel like a billion to one shot and that makes me think maybe it’ll always feel a little bit wrong and I don’t like that thought very much. But it doesn’t matter if it’s sad, because it just makes sense. Ho Hum.

On a more positive note my little think has led me to conclude that it’s time I started thinking about letting Mr X start fall out of my head: the less you think about someone the less you think about them if you see what I mean. On the one hand, I’m aware that no one ever completely falls out of WeeGee’s head which means Mr X will probably pop up being all nice and easy and making me wonder ‘what if’ from time to time. On the other hand I’ve come to learn that there are far worse things in life than ‘what if’. On which note, here’s another song. It’s one of my favourites, because it makes me think about the way how tomorrow keeps coming, and how life rolls on regardless:

Meanwhile in other news I recently discovered that if your best friend talks you into logging back into an online dating site ‘to see what’s going on’ and you do and find yourself ruling perfectly nice looking people out on account of such ridiculous criteria as

• Lives in Shoreditch
• Is wearing a hat
• Wouldn’t suit pink**
• Looks like he’d wear sunglasses indoors
• Thinks Coldplay counts as music***
• Looks a bit like Mr Friendly which means he also looks a bit like Mr X which means I really can’t be bothered with that

there was no point in your best friend talking you into logging back into an online dating site because you are clearly not at all interested in what’s going on. Nothing else to report save that we might as well end with a song, because it’s traditional and because it’s AWESOME:

That’s all from me. I’m still thinking. And still getting there. And still learning lessons every step of the way.

Love you all lots and lots and lots, WeeGee xoxoxoxox

*I know that seems a bit flippant. I’m allowed to be because it’s my story
**Suiting pink is an important criteria in WeeGee land
***This one isn’t really ridiculous

Posted in Welcome to my world

Breaking news: WeeGee is still thinking…..

Posted on by WeeGee

My last post was a miserable little affair, wasn’t it? Sorry about that. I feel better for having written it because finally seeing the thoughts, in black and white, reminded me that there’s only one person responsible for the choices WeeGee makes and the way she feels in consequence and that’s WeeGee herself. What I think I’m saying is that maybe I’m not as good at boundaries as I thought I was and that there’s a lesson to learn. I do so love it when there’s a lesson…..

Since last I wrote I’ve been about a million different kinds of thoughtful – I wonder if I’ll ever be short of thoughts? I suppose I’ve been a bit hyper aware of the thoughts because there was no Mrs Mountain which meant I was completely in charge. I seem to have survived being in charge of all the thoughts without jumping off any tall things. Go me.

If I’m really honest, I suppose I’ve been having a small hide for the past week or so. It wasn’t one of those stay in bed wishing you were dead hides, more a WeeGee has been knocked for six by recent events and needs to get her thoughts in order kind of hide. I need to remember that my tendency is to give too much of myself away and that I get too wrapped up in the words and actions of other people. I need to remember that when WeeGee gets knocked for six she has to take a big step back and look after her own interests before she gets all worried about what anybody else might need from her.

Breaking news: Looking after yourself doesn’t mean you don’t care about other people too.

(Repeat ad nauseam until you believe it)

I’m still thinking about what comes next for WeeGee. I’ve added another option to the list of options. If law is my dream then I guess doing a PhD is my pipe dream but, hey, I’m feeling a bit WeeGee can take on the world right now so maybe it’s time to pursue a pipe dream? As to what I’d study? Well it’d be an AWESOME piece of research on the relationship between language, information literacy, politics and the sense of self in social media. Yep. Really. Funding might be a bit tricky, but I’m not ruling anything out just yet because that’s not the sort of mood I’m in.

Before we get onto the meanwhile in other news section I wanted to come over a teeny tiny bit sentimental if I may? It’s just that it occurred to me, while I was hiding, that there are one or two online people who’ve come to mean an awful lot to me in the real world too. You make a lot of connections with people when you blog, especially when you blog about mental health issues. Those connections are important, and start to form part of your support network and that’s TOTALLY AWESOME. At the same time, I’ve stumbled across connections that are about more than having mentalness in common and I find myself in the odd position whereby I’ve NEVER EVEN MET some of my very favourite people on the planet.

So here’s a quick shout out, and a quick thank you, and a quick hi to my friends and favourite people I’ve never met: Carrie, Kendra, Garry, Jen, Erin, Zoe, and Rhio. You guys are so special that you get to live in WeeGee’s heart. But not in a creepy way :-p

Meanwhile in other news I’ve finally started the light therapy for my psoriasis. It’s a bit of a faff but I’ve got my fingers crossed it helps because I’m close to my wits end with it all. Nothing else to report today save that I love you all lots like jelly tots.

WeeGee xoxoxo

Posted in Welcome to my world

Get me away from here I’m dying

Posted on by WeeGee

Today I have mostly been having one of my little thinks because it seemed as good a time as any for me to have one of my little thinks. I do so love my little thinks – they’re a bit like Belle and Sebastian in that they always make everything feel better:

http://youtu.be/yS_DcqPkEYM

I’ve been thinking about what comes next for WeeGee because if the past year has been about finding myself, I suppose the next year should be about deciding what to do with the self I’ve managed to find. Getting better is about steadiness and regiment and routine. Staying better is about letting go of those things so that life can intervene.

If I hadn’t been so poorly I’d probably have done all kinds of things by now but there’s no use crying over spilt milk. The fact remains that I was poorly and you can’t do all kinds of things when you’re poorly. Here’s the thing: I’m not poorly any more…..

So what is next? A new challenge in my career is definitely on the cards. I love my job, but I’m too firmly in my comfort zone and I’m capable of an awful lot more. Maybe it’s about time I gave in and surrendered to my love for the law….. Maybe it’s time I started earning the spondoolies my brain is capable of earning for me?

There’re also one or two creative projects that deserve my attention. A brand new foodie blog for a start, not to mention the book. I don’t think you get to be an English graduate without having a book in your heart but it takes a bit of effort to make it happen. Thing is, I’m not short of effort.

Finally there’s where I’m going to live, and the places I’m going to see. I don’t think I want to live in London anymore. It’s not my city, and I never belonged here and I need to find a new home. As for the places I need to see? Lets have Florence and San Francisco to get us started. The world is my lobster.

I’ve made a lot of peace during my little think. Peace with my friends, and peace with my heart. It always turns out well in the end because if its not well it hasn’t ended yet.

I want to end by taking my hat off to Mr Friendly – the most brilliant human being that ever there was. I wish I could bottle him up, and share him around because Mr Friendly is exactly what the mental people need. He’s as close as you ever get to the shore because he’s the only person who’ll take the time to get to know how the only thing you need is news quiz. Or rather he’s the only person with the patience to let you be, no matter who you happen to be.

Cheerio xoxoxo

Posted in About today

I am sailing

Posted on by WeeGee

Today has been the sort of day that you decide to have scrambled eggs for breakfast, get distracted by a song on the radio, and end up burning the eggs to the arse of the saucepan instead of scrambling them…… It’s also the sort of day that you can’t really be bothered with people because, broadly speaking, people are completely RUBBISH. And that’s all me and my alien brain have got to say about that unless you want me to start swearing. And when I say swearing I mean as in really, really badly.

So – I’ve been a bit ‘WeeGee versus the World’ today, but it’s okay, because I think I’m just about coming out on top. The trick, I find, is to make an AWESOME playlist on Spotify and then spend your time listening to it whilst simultaneously creating the most bonkers spreadsheet known to man because that’s the sort of thing you get paid to do and because Mrs Scary Boss lady is always impressed by a bonkers spreadsheet. Gold stars all round.

Shall we have a little song to see if that lightens the mood?

That, by the way is not only one of my favourite songs of all time, it’s also my absolute favourite version of it. Ever. Ever, ever, ever. If you can be bothered have a little read of the lyrics. They’re AWESOME.

I’m not sure the mood is any lighter but it was worth a try, right?

I suppose the good news is that Mrs Mountain and I have decided that I don’t need weekly sessions anymore because by and large I’m coping fairly well with all this being alive stuff, and the only thing we really have left to sort out is The Worst Thing Ever, and maybe The Worst Thing Ever isn’t the kind of thing you sort out by talking about it anyway. The fact of the matter, I think, is that some things are so sad that you have to let them live in your heart forever. What you also have to do is learn how to leave enough space for the other feelings as well and I’m very definitely getting there.

I’m feeling a bit final about things at the moment, by which I mean I feel like I might have got to the place I’m supposed to be in life. I think I’ve decided that ‘this’ is the alien-person I’m supposed to be and that I’m content with that. I’ll spend days of my life thinking about The Worst Thing Ever, and I’ll listen to sad songs even though I’m happy, and the normal-people won’t make any sense to me but I’ll still love them with all of my wonky little heart. The main thing is that I’ll do all of that, and so much more without hurting myself, or letting anyone hurt me, even once.

Maybe I’m not feeling final after all – you know how I feel about endings anyway. Maybe what I’m feeling is a bit wistful. Truth told I’ve been feeling a bit wistful since I went to the seaside and realised how very much I want to sail away from it all. I can only ever be the alien-person I’m supposed to be and this AWESOME little alien-person will forever sail on stormy seas but will never find the shore. And that’s just fine.

Meanwhile in other news one of my friends has decided to get married to a boy who routinely behaves like an arsehole ‘because he asked her’ – this has led me to conclude that getting married is even more stupid than I thought it was and that the only circumstances under which WeeGee would contemplate getting married is if the person asking her answered to the name of Frank Turner. Nothing else to report today save that we might as well have a bit of Frank now I’ve mentioned him…..

Love you lots and lots, WeeGee McAlien-Person

Posted in Recovery?

Hope is important: an update

Posted on by WeeGee

I’ve written this post in my head about a million times over the past few months, but every time I sit down to write it I end up writing a different one instead. I’m not sure why – maybe I wanted to be circumspect for a change, or maybe I was worried that in writing the post I’d tempt fate, and jinx things, and somehow mess everything up. As is my way. Except, of course, that isn’t ‘my way’ at all. It’s a ridiculous conflation of past events that have no bearing on the here and now whatsoever.

When you start to remember to leave the past behind the future starts to feel a whole lot brighter……

I’ve been thinking about journeys again, insofar as that life is a only a journey and the only thing that anybody truly hopes for is not to reach the destination until they are very old, and they’ve done all the things, and been all the places, and read all the books, and met all the people they were supposed to.

As for my journey so far? Well, it hasn’t exactly been a happy journey but I’m content with that. Maybe I had to lead myself in and out and back into the wilderness so that I could get to this point – feeling confident that the next time the wilderness starts to beckon my brain is going to have all the ammunition it needs to save me. That’s what a lifetime being mental is all about – finally learning how to save yourself.

You probably think Mr Wise got his name because he’s wise which is only a little bit true because Mr Wise is wise in a very special way. Not many people have the kind of wisdom he does because not many people spend years of their lives battling their demons so that they can learn how to save themselves. As you know, Mr Wise saved me at least three billion squillion times. What I’ve never told you is that every single time he did he told me that one day I would learn how to save myself. I didn’t tell you because I wasn’t ready to believe him. But he was right.

Life is going to throw all kinds of stuff at me and my brain, I know that. What I also know is that I’m going to take it on the chin, keep an eye on my priorities and survive it. I’m not going to sweat the small stuff anymore, because I figured out what matters and how to keep it so that it always matters so much more than the small stuff.

I’m not so naive that I think I’ll never have a grey day again, and I’ll tell you what, I truly hope that my AWESOME days aren’t over with just yet. But I’ve found insight and perspective and I don’t plan on letting go. If you’re an ex smoker you might understand because there comes a point in the quitting process when you know in your heart that you’ve done it. I feel a bit like that about jumping off tall things, and hiding in bed for weeks, and starving myself to death, and carving my limbs up just because I can. I’m never going to have to do any of that again.

At this point in my journey I know that I matter just as much as other people. I know that an emotional attachment isn’t a bad thing. I know that taking a risk isn’t the same as being reckless. I know that I’m always going to be a bit vulnerable. I know that I’m always going to be strong. I know that nobody lets you down on purpose. I know that feelings grow but never ought to consume you. I know that I’m the only person who can hold myself together and save me. The last one is a big one because I wasted so much time thinking someone else would come to my rescue instead of getting stuck in and taking care of myself.

I also know something I knew all along, the one thing I never lost sight of, or let go of: Hope Is Important. Hope is what carries your heart when it’s too heavy for you to bear anymore.

I’m going to hold on to hope and that way I’ll always be able to save myself.

Love, WeeGee xoxoxo