Tag: Depression

Posted in Welcome to my world

Tired of London, tired of life

Posted on by WeeGee

Hmm. In attempt not to do a flaky I am writing a post. Hey – I’m not promising great things.

I’m back in London after a super duper weekend away. I can’t help but wonder what on earth I’m doing back in London, since I only ever came here accidentally and the ‘accident’ that brought me here is long since over and done with. Samuel Johnson said ‘when a man is tired of London, he is tired of life’. Apart from the being a man bit, I think I might agree: I am in London. I am tired of life.

I’ve had a weekend full of people – and not just people, but people who care and people who know me (Mr Wise teased me mercilessly because of the jitters, which is good, because it actually is very funny) and now I’m home to a flat full of nothing and nobody to care*

Maybe I’m just lonely.

Maybe I need my bed.

Maybe though, I need to go home. Wherever the hell home is?

……I knew it would be a strange post.

xx

*Cue the violins

Posted in About today

My brain is broken and I’d like to complain

Posted on by WeeGee

I’ve been in hiding today which, having survived the bank holiday weekend without once going into hiding, was a bit of a blow. It has made me think that I’d like to swap my brain – if nothing else I’d at least like one that has the decency to decide to go into hiding when I’m expecting it to.

In the end, the dreaded bank holiday weekend wasn’t particularly dreadful. Save a touch of the jitters on Saturday and a couple of wobbles on Sunday afternoon I was gainfully occupied with various tasks and activities and suitably distracted. Get this, I even left the flat more times than had I intended to. I met up with Mr Brave on Sunday for brunch – it was good fun and we spent most of the time talking about the merits and de-merits of online dating sites (his were the merits and mine were the other). I also caught up with Mr Friendly over lunch on Tuesday which was equally nice, even if we did spend a considerable amount of the time talking about how much of a nutter I’ve been for the past year or so. Two social outings without me going flaky and cancelling is quite an achievement for me at the moment.

As an aside, I’ve had a couple of attacks of ‘the jitters’ over the past few days. I’m prone to worrying – it’s usually quite endearing if a little frustrating – but the jitters are like my usual worrying multiplied by a million or two. I’m putting this down to the medication which we’re* working to increase so I’m hoping it will pass soon. There’s quite enough lunacy in my life without ‘the jitters’ thank you very much. (It’s also quite embarrassing to jump right out of your skin if someone so much as looks at you unexpectedly.)

Anyway, back to the hiding. When I’m well** I probably go into hiding about once every two months or so. When things aren’t so good, it’s closer to once a fortnight. This isn’t at all ideal when you are somehow managing to hold down a full time job no matter how understanding your employer is. Still, that’s by the by. It happens and you move on; that there is my brave face.

I wake up every day feeling like I can’t face it but I almost always do face it – and I try to see this as a positive. I try to be glad that it’s only on the smallest minority of mornings that I wake up with a giant ‘no’ surrounding me. When ‘no’ is upon me, it doesn’t matter what I try to think or what bargains I do with myself ‘no’ booms out in the background and keeps me where I am.

Today I kept telling myself that at X o’clock I would do a, b and c but before I knew it already was X o’clock and I was telling myself that at Y o’clock I would do d, e and f. In the end I gave up even trying to make plans and decided to go to sleep because going to sleep is still the best way I’ve found of avoiding myself when I’m sick of the sight and sound of me. I often sleep the time away. I tell myself that I wouldn’t be able to sleep that much if I didn’t need to but I know in my heart that isn’t quite true…

I eventually made it out of bed proper at about 6pm, still shattered, still low and still a bit jittery. Unfortunately, as I tried to force myself to go about the motions I found myself in the midst of ‘a bit of a maddy’. It was an unexpected ‘bit of a maddy’ and I actually began to think that it was going to be a This Is It Maddy. I was convinced that my brain had finally given up on me and I was either going to have a TV style breakdown and end up wandering around the outside world in my PJs raving at strangers or that I was going to do myself a serious mischief. It made me smile when I wrote the bit about the TV breakdown but at the time, it really wasn’t very funny at all.

Thankfully Mr Wise phoned at just the right moment, talked me down and helped me make a plan. The plan was that I would cook a meal, take a shower and write a blog post. If I still find myself feeling a bit This Is It when he phones me in a little while I’m going to go to A&E and tell them I’m having a mental health crisis**** and he’s going to pick me up and take me away from it all in the morning.

Anyway. I’m calm now and I think my This Is It moment has passed. I’ve got a phone call with a mate lined up before bed as well as another chat with Mr Wise and I’m going to do two lists for tomorrow – one for if I make it to work and a back up one in case the ‘no’ is upon me again. I’ll be on the sleeping tablets again tonight. I try not to take them unless it is absolutely essential, but I think today definitely falls under the essential banner.

Brains are rubbish aren’t they? I’d, really really like a new one that doesn’t pull such cruel stunts on me, so, as I like writing complaint letters here is my attempt to get an exchange….

Dear God****,

I’ve given the matter considerable thought and I would now like to return my brain to you and exchange it for a better one. It’s not in especially good working order but as I have not tampered with it or damaged it in any way it must have been faulty when I got it. It is still in its original packaging although this is a little worn around the edges.

Love and kisses Wee Gee xx

*I say we although I really mean ‘they’ but not because I’m paranoid.

**Oh how I laughed.

***This is the final step of the safety plan but I still can’t quite imagine myself actually saying it. Do you know what I mean?!

****Or whatever other supreme being is the one responsible for looking out for me.

Posted in Welcome to my world

Long live the Queen

Posted on by WeeGee

Okay. First things first. The title* of my post gives me the perfect opportunity to include Frank Turner song #2 in my blog. Exciting!

Now that’s out of the way I can get down to business.

Not even a dyed in the wool republican** like me could fail to notice that there’s something to do with the Queen going on this weekend. Something about diamonds, a concert and some boats. There’ll probably be fireworks. In fact, if there aren’t fireworks, I’ll eat my hat.

I try not to be cynical about these things, I really do. But a) pomp and ceremony just isn’t my thing and b) an ambivalence towards ‘big events’ seems to run in my blood. Generally speaking, the bigger the event, the more underwhelming I manage to find it.

I’m not writing to complain about the monarchy, or about pomp and ceremony, or even about the amount of money that we’re spending on having a national party for some old bird who could wipe out third world debt with her personal fortune and could therefore afford to buy her own sausage rolls.

I’m writing because I don’t like weekends too much and I’m dreading this one –  with all its ‘coming together of a nation’ and enforced jollification – even more than normal. I’ve got myself braced for a lonely one. Depression is a lonely illness and I find myself lonely at the best of times so I’m a bit worried about how I’m going to feel when it seems, to all intents and purposes, that I’m the only person in the UK who isn’t having any fun this weekend….

I’m meeting a friend for brunch on Sunday so that’s a few hours taken care of but for the rest of the time a plan is required and a good one at that. The first part of Saturday has therefore  been given over to making that plan. As is often the case, it’ll involve an extensive and elaborate list of distractions and challenges and a spot of ‘hanging on in there’.

Four days is a long time, isn’t it? Maybe one day I’ll start looking forward to the weekends and bank holidays again. But for now I’m battening down the hatches and readying myself to spend a longer time than usual avoiding the edge of the cliff by myself. Wish me luck.

* I considered calling it ‘the Queen is dead’ so that I could squeeze something by The Smiths in too, but I thought better of it in the end.

** For the avoidance of doubt I mean republican in the sense that I oppose the monarchy, not that I’m a US Republican type…

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

After the storm

Posted on by WeeGee

I had a bit of a blip this week.Thankfully it didn’t last too long and with a little help along the way normal service was resumed sometime during Thursday morning. The ‘blip’ is done with, and I don’t want to spend too much time talking about it. That said, I should be honest and say that I hurt some people who care about me and I hurt myself too – whilst I’m trying very hard not to feel guilt, I certainly feel regret and it’s right and proper that I should.

When I have an episode like that it’s very loud and it’s very chaotic, and the period that follows tends to be very quiet and very still. That’s how things are now – quiet, still and mostly calm. I’m content with that.

The storm has passed – it’s safe to deal with some of the debris and important to remember that:

“Storms make oaks take root” George Herbert

Posted in Moving forwards

Down but not out

Posted on by WeeGee

I haven’t been ‘myself’ for the last couple of days. In fact, I’ve been having what I affectionately refer to as ‘a bit of a maddy’. A bit of a maddy is what happens when I get too close to the metaphorical cliff edge* I talk about so frequently. A bit of a maddy feels a lot like unravelling and can strike at any time, often without warning. It’s my world at its most violent and chaotic. It’s the worst of me and usually isn’t too far ahead of ‘the bottom of the pit’.

Of course, this wasn’t supposed to happen, not this time or at least not so soon. Still. You are where you are and all that, and it’s time for me to work out how I got here and then go about starting to put it right. Here goes….

Problem 1 – I’m starving hungry, which in turn makes me paranoid and even more miserable. It also stops me sleeping – see problem number 2. I don’t not eat deliberately (I think that’s the correct double negative)  I just forget to notice I’m hungry. I know this is a hangover from days gone past and I also know the only remedy is to eat!

Solution 1 – Easy. Today has to be 3000 calories day whether I like it or not. Pass the double cream and Mars Bars… (n.b. other high calorie chocolate snacks are available)

Problem 2 – I’m exhausted. It’s not just that I’m not sleeping, although that’s a large part of it – I’m emotionally exhausted too. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about the things I’m not very good thinking about. The diversionary tactics have gone out the window.

Solution 2 – Easier said than done, but not optional. I need to find somewhere to put the thoughts. I’ve got a list of tasks for the day and can focus on that, I’ve got work to be at and I’ve got a really good book (the Alchemist – I can’t believe I haven’t read it before now). I’ve also got my trusty elastic band to snap the thoughts away. When I’m calmer, I’ll be able to grab a few hours of much needed sleep.

Problem 3 – I hadn’t left the flat for a few days resulting in something akin to cabin fever setting in on top of everything else. There was also quite a lot of guilt associated with not being at work**

Solution 3 – Solved reasonably easily by going into work, albeit a little on the late side. On the upside, I can stay late leaving less evening to get rid of at the other end.

Problem 4 – I decided I didn’t need the pills after all. Not the smartest of moves, but a characteristic one. Thing is, I started to feel better and came to the conclusion that if I was better there was no need for the chemicals. Epic fail as the kids say***

Solution 4 – Easy as popping a pill. I’ve only missed four tablets so all is not lost. I just need to take them and accept that if I feel better it’s probably because of them not in spite of them. Dose of realism also required.

The most important thing now is to take some action quickly rather than heading into the weekend in this state and (in a return to something approaching optimism) I think I’ve already made a good start in attempting to deal with some of the problems today. By tomorrow I’ll be nourished and well rested (how’s that for determination?!) and ready to make a nice safe weekend plan. On which note – in an attempt to find some kind of bright side – I can say with absolute certainty that the Safety Plan works, because here I am safe and sound(ish)

 

 

*I picked this up from Ruby Wax who I once heard saying “when you’re depressed you don’t know whether to jump of a cliff or get a manicure” and thought it summed it up quite neatly.

**I’m incredibly lucky to have an employer who understands and supports me

*** I felt incredibly old writing that but I’ve gone and done it now.

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

Back to the drawing board

Posted on by WeeGee

I’ve spent a lot of time reading the blogs of other people who have similar difficulties and challenges to me and I’ve been amazed how many of them there are, and how many have struck a chord with me. People seem to blog for all kinds of reasons – for some it’s about therapy, for others it’s venting and for some it’s about reaching out for a little bit of old-fashioned human kindness. The obvious question to ask myself now is ‘why am I really blogging’?

When I started my blog a few weeks ago I decided I was going write about my attempts to live well and overcome depression. I knew I wanted to record my journey, and that I maybe wanted to share it if anyone was interested but above all else I was determined that the daily ins and outs of my mental health were going to be something of a side issue: I wanted to keep my writing upbeat and positive – this was going to be about progress and recovery and everything else was getting left out. I still think this was a noble aim, but after almost four weeks of writing I’m starting to wonder if my approach is a little too rigid and perhaps, unrealistic. My rules allow me to say I suffer from depression, that I had a bad day, that things aren’t going well, but they don’t allow me to spend any time explaining or analysing what any of that feels like or what it really means. And those things, are probably the biggest part of my story.

I live with the day to day impact of depression; It’s a big part of my life and in banning myself from writing the truth about it I’m leaving big parts of the story out. I don’t want to change tack completely, and it’s still really important for me to focus on achievements (one of my little aims in life is to make sure that the word ‘depression’ is never bigger than the word ‘achievement’ in my tag cloud!)  but I called this blog ‘how do you eat an elephant’, not ‘the elephant in the room’!

So I’ve decided that it’s important that I allow myself to recognise the reality of being me in my writing here. I don’t necessarily want to turn this into a mirror image of the depths of despair that my mind can come to, but I don’t want to pretend that stuff isn’t happening either. After all, the real achievement is that I carry on – getting little things done and getting slightly better every now and again – in spite of the reality of being me. What I think I’m saying is that ‘me’ is important even if ‘me’ isn’t always pretty.

As I’ve already said, nobody is ever going to want to shout about mental illness from the rooftops, but if someone like me (who has even gone to the lengths of setting up a blog just to write about depression) isn’t willing to acknowledge the truth of it then mental ill health seems destined to always have the quality of a dirty little secret.

Posted in About today

A novel way to spend your time

Posted on by WeeGee

Once again I had challenged myself to simply spend time in my own company this weekend without leading myself to the dreaded cliff edge. This was my third attempt in three wobbly weeks so naturally I was hoping for third time lucky.

On Saturday I was as close to bright and breezy as I’m capable of being right now. Painting the smile on, getting out and about and going through the motions came quite naturally and I didn’t have to coax myself too hard to get going. I made it to the supermarket (via the Maple Road farmer’s market, where I couldn’t quite afford to buy anything, but didn’t get disheartened!), cleaned the flat, took a walk along the river and read my book. This is all good stuff, and, if I may say, is especially good for me. But it got better! I also got myself signed up for the 10,000 step challenge, ate four – yes four – square meals, took a long, hot bath and eventually headed for an early night feeling really rather pleased with myself.

And then my old friend insomnia turned up in an attempt to pull the rug from under my feet (Boo hiss). To be fair, I haven’t been sleeping terribly well since I started taking the Citalopram but on Saturday night I was chronically awake for the first time in weeks and it wasn’t long before I started getting frightened. The wee small hours can be a dangerous time for me – it’s the absence of distractions, the quietness, stillness and the dark that does for me. Above all else it’s the notion that I am completely alone and that not a soul on earth knows where I am or what I am doing…. If things are going to get really bad for me, it’ll be in the middle of the night. And if I find myself awake in the middle of the night things almost always get really bad.

Before I knew it, everything was crowding in and I started to feel defeated. I couldn’t sleep and I was in no fit state to be awake and “I couldn’t do this anymore”…. and then a revelation: I had a kettle, a good book, a cat who would be delighted to have my company over a brew and an emergency sleeping tablet that would take an hour to kick in. Low and behold* I had a plan!

An hour and a bit later I was fast asleep and full of Horlicks….. I also felt quite proud, no, I did – I felt quite proud that I had dispensed of the hopelessness, all by myself, at my most vulnerable of moments. Go me.

Today I was mostly tired and groggy! I caught up with a few work emails, pottered up to Canbury Gardens for a wander in the rain, faffed about online and ate three meals. Incidentally, I’ve managed to put a little weight on over the last few weeks, but I’m still hovering somewhere around the ‘telling off’ mark.

Over all I think this weekend has been third time almost lucky. I’m aware that eventually I’m going to have to start getting myself ‘out there’ again but for now taking care of myself (even when the chips are very down), getting things done and finding ways to relax are huge achievements for me and I’m not ready to rock the boat just yet. I’m going for third time completely lucky next week.

Do you know what though? I haven’t hated this weekend; in fact, I’ve spent this weekend feeling moslty calm, reasonably safe and fairly relaxed. What a novel way to spend your time!

*Or is it lo and behold?!

Posted in Practical issues

Joining the back of the queue

Posted on by WeeGee

I had a bit of a setback earlier this week. Turns out, the waiting list for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) in my borough is considerable and I’m at the back of the queue!

I’m feeling a little cut adrift, to be honest. The psych appointments are all well and good, and I fully appreciate that they are necessary but…. point number one: they make me feel like a bit of a mentalist (I am a bit of a mentalist so I’m allowed to say that) and point number two: I worry that the focus on the symptoms and the feelings somehow reinforces the symptoms and the feelings, if you see what I mean. I’ve followed CBT courses twice before and found the approach incredibly helpful. I like to understand and I like to have a plan and using CBT techniques provides both. Over the last month or so I’ve tried to put as much of what I have learned in the past into action, but I do feel that both a refresher course and some regular contact with a specialist is something that would be helpful for me at the moment. Nevertheless, for now I need to hang on in there by myself for a little while longer. There are plenty of excellent self help CBT tools on the web, so I guess I’ll be turning to them* for the time being.

I don’t suppose for one minute that I’m the first person to have found the energy and courage to admit they need a little help only to be told that whilst help is available it will be a long time coming. At the same time, it’s certainly no secret that mental health services are under resourced and over-subscribed so NHS waiting lists in excess of 12 weeks are hardly surprising. The question is, what can I do about this state of affairs? The depressed me says nothing – people get what they’re given, and have to suck it up and hunker down; the ‘other’ me says not a lot, but maybe a little!

Mind are a fantastic charity who do a lot of brilliant advocacy work and play a huge role in keeping the issues associated with mental ill health on all kinds of important agendas. They also work closely with those affected by mental health difficulties providing advice, services and local support networks. Mind do great things and have an important role to play both in providing much needed resources and in ensuring the needs of those experiencing mental health difficulties are at the forefront of the minds of our policy makers. I’ve been thinking about this for a couple of days now and I’ve decided that doing something to support Mind could be just the little thing the other me could do!

And so I’ve found this on the Mind website and I think I might give it a go. Even if I only manage to raise a couple of quid, I’ll have done something positive, right? I’m also fairly confident that the exercise, and the outdoors will do wonders for my well being and hopefully the challenge will give me an external focus whilst I wait for my name to reach the top of the CBT queue. Finally, maybe I’ll be able to do a tiny little bit to raise the profile of Mind and the awareness of mental health difficulties amongst my friends and family as well.

I’m not entirely sure that I know what I’m letting myself in for – I do a fair bit of walking and I’m not altogether averse to running now and again but I’ve no idea how many steps I actually take in an average day. 10,000 sounds like quite a lot, doesn’t it?! Anyway, I’ll be signing up this weekend and I’ll keep you posted.

Of course if anyone reading this is looking for something to do over the summer, they’d be more than welcome to join me – little things added together make big things after all!

* Mood Juice is a particularly good one.

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

If you’re happy and you know it….

Posted on by WeeGee

Chatting to a friend over lunch yesterday I became aware of a frustrating misconception about depression which hadn’t really occurred to me before – the notion that the opposite of depression is happiness and that depression is simply the experience of being very sad for a long time.

Sometimes I rather wish I had just been sad for a while. Sad, I think, I could have done. Sad doesn’t crowd in during the threadbare hours to chase you out of yourself; it doesn’t turn out the lights, one by one; it doesn’t steal the things you care about and taunt you because you can’t find their whereabouts. Sad isn’t a menace threatening to stay by your side for eternity; it doesn’t convince you to abandon all hope, love and laughter.  Sad doesn’t take your life away, incrementally, until the only thing left to do is jump off the cliff edge it has led you to.

It’s funny where a throw away comment can take you, isn’t it? My friend simply said ‘I’m really glad you are feeling happier’. It was meant as a kindness and an encouragement, and it was taken as one, but behind the scenes it got me thinking about what I’m really trying to achieve here. Is this a search for happiness? My conclusion, I think is ‘no’. For me, trying to recover from depression isn’t about trying to find happiness, it’s about trying to find health. It’s about getting myself on a mental and emotional even keel which allows me to experience a range of emotions safe from the harm that my dark passenger can and does inflict.

Sad is sad. It’s the opposite of happy. Depression is depression. It’s the opposite of well and the opposite of what I’m striving to be.

Posted in About today

Looking on the bright side

Posted on by WeeGee

When I started blogging I promised myself that I wasn’t going to write something chronicling the poor state of my mental health because I wanted to record the positives and chart my progress. This is all well and good, but has made putting together an instalment for this weekend a little challenging….

Most of Saturday was a write off. I got a few things done early on and even had an enjoyable outing with a friend but after that was done with hope abandoned me and I spent the rest of the day in hiding. It was a bit of a blow after all the energy of the last few weeks to find myself battling the familiar thoughts and feelings again– above all else I was disappointed to be back in the pit and felt that all of my efforts so far had been a waste of time. I felt defeated and foolish and although I knew I needed to hold on it was a real struggle to find something to hold on to.

I woke on Sunday surrounded by a shrug and spent most of the morning trying to work out what had been the catalyst for this sudden dampener on proceedings – why did I feel so incapable, and more to the point, why was I so willing to give in to the darkness? I still don’t have the answers to these questions, and to be honest, I had to make a conscious decision to stop thinking about it because it was getting me nowhere fast. In the end, I accepted that I was having a bad day and that it was perhaps inevitable that things couldn’t stay quite so up for quite so long.

I had to work very hard to get through Sunday, but I did get through. Moreover, I got through it reasonably well (three square meals and a trip to the outside world) When the evening came around I was content to regard the day as one of quiet reflection – it hadn’t been the best of days but, looking on the bright side, I hadn’t come anywhere close to jumping off the cliff.

I think I’ll need to be honest and keep an eye on myself for a while but hopefully this has just been a very brief interlude and the sinking feeling will lift a little again. I’m feeling a bit brighter today so for now the weekend gets put down to experience and it’s upwards and onwards for me once more.