Posted in Welcome to my world

Walking the fine line

Since last I wrote I have mostly been being angry. I don’t know why I’ve been being angry; it was just one of those feelings that came along without warning and made a nuisance of itself for a few days.

Anger is probably my least favourite of all the feelings because I don’t know what to do with it – it just sits there in my chest and throbs against my rib cage and makes me wish there was a way to smash the whole world up because, for example, there is an annoying person on Bargain Hunt and I CAN’T COPE with how ANGRY it’s making me….

Apart from being furiously angry with nothing and no-one in particular, all is well here in WeeGee land. I suppose I’m feeling a little more solitary than usual but I think that’s okay because sometimes I need to spend time alone with my thoughts and I can do that without coming over all bonkers.

To be honest, I feel like I’m learning a lot about the fine line between a symptom of poor mental health and a character trait that is perfectly ‘normal’ if not universally popular recently. As soon as my mood, or my feelings or my behaviour veer slightly from the antidepressant fuelled middle ground there’s a tendency towards panic because what if WeeGee is going off her rocker again? Thing is, I’m not going off my rocker – I’m just feeling angry and a bit anti social and before you ask YES I AM STILL TAKING MY MEDS.

Meanwhile in other news I’m on the hunt for my next box set obsession if anyone has any ideas? It’ll have to be a REALLY good one because the last one was quite possibly my biggest obsession yet. Nothing else to report save that the Great Richmond Court Recycling Controversy of 2015 is really starting to hot up and I might even be forced to WRITE TO THE COUNCIL about it….. Anyhooo, here’s a wee song for old times sake:

Hope you’re all super-duper great.

Love you lots like jelly tots,

WeeGee xoxox

Posted in Welcome to my world

It’s still raining in England (Share your world week 33)

Since last I wrote I have mostly been being fine, thank you very much. If I had a complaint it would be with the weather but, like all good Brits, I know that complaining about the weather is an activity reserved solely for passing the time of day with people you’d rather not be passing the time of day with. And you guys definitely don’t fit into that category…

Anyhoo…. it’s week thirty three of Cee’s share your world challenge thingymadoodle which is why I’m here, so let’s go!

  1. What are some words that make you smile?

I’m something of a logophile: I love words for the way they sound and the way they feel and of course, for what they mean. Lots of my favourite words make me smile, including these ones:

words

—–

Sunday started with a bit of a KERFUFFLE (I can’t imagine what the neighbours made of the HULLABALOO) because he didn’t even have the GUMPTION to bring me a cup of tea. I kid you not: the RUDDERLESS SKINNYMALINK had the cheek to wake me up at 7am on a Sunday without so much as a by your leave or, more to the point, a cup of tea. I called him a SCUNNER and worse besides and, get this, he had the brass neck to take UMBRAGE and call me a CANTANKEROUS old COWBAG. I’m willing to concede that I was INCANDESCENT with rage but who wouldn’t come over a bit BILIOUS if an IDIOT-FACE-FEATURES who didn’t even have the good grace to arrive with tea woke them up at 7am on a Sunday morning?!

—–

Before you ask, yes. That is based on a true story……

  1. You’re given $500,000 tax-free. What would you spend it on?

By my reckoning $500,000 works out at around 320,000 of our Great British Pounds, which isn’t quite enough to buy a modest three-bed family home (with a garden I can grow roses in) here in the South East of England.

Thusly, since I wouldn’t be able to do the sensible thing with the money, I’d be forced to blow the lot on sex, drugs and rock n roll. Or maybe just loads of really nice speciality tea.

Rock and roll

  1. Would you rather be stuck in a small plane with bad turbulence for two hours or be a passenger in a car racing in the Daytona 500?

I have to confess that I have no idea what the Daytona 500 is. I could Google it and find out, but it has something to do with dudes driving fast cars, and I really truly couldn’t care less if I tried. Therefore by default I’d plump for the two hours of feeling nauseous and concerned for my life….. On the upside I could be in Lisbon in two hours and it might not be raining there.

  1. What are you grateful for from the past week and what are you looking forward to in the week coming up?

This week I have been particularly grateful for my umbrella and I’m looking forward to the sun coming back out next week.

That’s all from me folks.

Love you all lots like Jelly Tots,

WeeGee xoxox

Posted in Welcome to my world

WeeGee’s no nonsense guide to surviving a serious case of the doomy gloomies

The important bit at the beginning

—–

First thing’s first – you need to know that this post makes a (tongue in cheek) mention of suicide and suicidal thoughts. Please be aware of the subject matter and proceed with a level of caution appropriate to your state of mind.

If you need help with thoughts that put you at risk of harm please get in touch with someone. ANYONE will do, but contacting the Samaritans is as good a place as any to start.

The end of the important bit at the beginning.

 —–

This post began life as an on-going conversation with my psychotherapist, Mrs Mountain. I have fortnightly appointments with Mrs Mountain* and we talk about all the mental things that live in my head so I can figure out how best to live alongside them. For the past few months we’ve talked a lot about reducing the impact of any future ‘bad patches’ on my life, or in other words, we’ve been making a grand plan for the next time WeeGee goes bananas. It looks a bit like this:

WeeGee’s no nonsense guide to surviving a serious case of the doomy gloomies

  1. Don’t kill yourself

It has been scientifically proven that killing yourself dramatically reduces your chances of surviving, ergo, if you hope to survive a serious case of the doomy gloomies it is VERY IMPORTANT that you don’t kill yourself. The best way to avoid killing yourself is to NEVER, EVER try to kill yourself: no matter what your broken brain is telling you, no matter how easy it seems, no matter how desperate you feel.

The simple fact of the matter is that you will NOT feel like killing yourself forever, because the feeling you have is like all of the other feelings you’ve ever had: temporary. Being dead, on the other hand, is not temporary at all – in fact, being dead is just about as permanent as it gets.

The doomy gloomies suck, for sure, but being dead is WAY suckier and, unlike the doomy gloomies, being dead won’t go away.

Don't kill yourself

  1. Don’t buy an Audi on hire purchase

Make no mistake about it: the doomy gloomies will fill your head full of nonsensical nonsense. And this nonsensical nonsense will make buying a brand new Audi on hire purchase – or giving your worldly possessions to a cat shelter; or running away to the circus; or embarking on a single-handed round the world trip in a homemade cardboard canoe – seem like a great idea.

Of course any one, or indeed all of these ideas may be COMPLETELY AWESOME, but while you’ve got a serious case of the doomy gloomies it really is best if you get a second opinion before you make any big decisions about your life.

You’ll have to live with your decisions long after the mental has left the building and it’ll be tough enough to put your life back together without having to worry about finding new homes for the 32 baby penguins you adopted because you thought they would take your mind off things.

bad decsion 1

  1. Don’t stick your head in a giant vat of red wine

Sorrows float, or in other words, you CANNOT drown a serious case of the doomy gloomies in gin and tonic.

Self-medicating is tempting and, for a little while, alcohol may well help you forget about the horror living in your head; it may even make you feel better for a time. The trouble is, any relief you get will be short lived because of that thing about sorrows floating. Add to that the impact that alcohol has on all kinds of important things like sleep, and appetite, and general state of mind and it doesn’t take much working out that far from helping with a serious case of the doomy gloomies, sticking your head in a giant vat of red wine is only going to make matters one hell of a lot worse in both the medium and longer term.

drunk 1

  1. You think therefore you’re mental

Whenever I get a serious case of the doomy gloomies I find myself wishing that I could find a way to make my brain stop. The doomy gloomy thoughts never stop, they just seem to rattle round getting louder, and more intrusive, and more distressing until it feels like they are going to explode out of my ears and into the atmosphere.

Needless to say, I’ve spent a long time searching for the elusive pause button but if I’m completely honest I don’t think it exists and since you can’t stop the thoughts the only thing for it is DISTRACTION.

There are all kinds of ways to distract yourself: I once spent an afternoon marching round my flat singing “I can do this, YES I CAN” to the tune of Bob the Builder and it worked a treat because I managed to not jump out the window.

It doesn’t really matter how you distract yourself, but when the thoughts start taking over it’s really important that you do SOMETHING:

  • Make a cup of tea
  • Take a shower
  • Watch TV (quiz shows are particularly good because they make you think about something different)
  • Clear out your wardrobe
  • Walk around the block
  • March around your flat singing “I can do this, YES I CAN” to the tune of Bob the Builder.

thinking

  1. It’s good to talk

Tell someone you are in the midst of a really serious case of the doomy gloomies because it shouldn’t be a secret, and because they might have something sensible to say, and because – despite what your brain is telling you – YOU DON’T NEED TO BE ALONE WITH THE DOOMY GLOOMIES.

If you only do one thing: tell someone about it because, after all, it’s good to talk.

not alone

  1. Look after your life

Of all the lessons I’ve learned about surviving a serious case of the doomy gloomies this one is by far the most valuable:

Keep on doing all the right things, even if it doesn’t feel like doing all the right things is helping, because eventually all the right things WILL come together and help.

As a bare minimum surviving a serious case of the doomy gloomies means:

  • Keeping yourself nourished: you feel doubly mental when you’re hungry.
  • Getting enough rest: the doomy gloomies are exhausting so give yourself a chance
  • Taking basic care of yourself: showers, fresh air and exercise KICK DOOMY GLOOMIES IN THE GONADS.
  • Taking your prescription meds: White coat dudes know what they’re talking about
  • Keeping a roof over your head and paying the bills: because ADULT and because roofs are nice.

You need to take whatever energy you have and make sure these things keep happening. Trust me on this – make a checklist, take all day to do it, get help if you need to, but, no matter what you do, MAKE SURE THESE THINGS keep happening.

Do the right thing

  1. Start again tomorrow

Tomorrow always comes – it doesn’t always feel better, but it arrives without fail and it gives you a great big ginormous chance to start over again. Wherever the doomy gloomies took you today, draw a line under it and take your chance tomorrow. Start again, keep on keeping on, don’t give up and HOLD ON TIGHT. You’ve got a life time’s worth of tomorrows to play with and there’s NOTHING the doomy gloomies can do to change that

Tomorrow

Love you all lots like jelly tots,

WeeGee xoxox

*If you’re wondering how I swung that on the NHS I didn’t. But that’s a whole other story.

Posted in Welcome to my world

IRL Update

 

I can’t believe how much time has passed since my last post. I’m not entirely sure what I’ve mostly been being in the time that’s intervened apart from maybe busy and very definitely not blogging….

One thing’s for sure – it’s been all go here in WeeGee land, which seems to be the norm all of a sudden. In the few short years since I started blogging I seem to have transformed from a small, quiet, insignificant person who just wanted to hide in her bed into a small, quiet significant person who occasionally wishes that she actually had any time to hide in her bed. Maybe that’s the only difference between me when I’m well and me when I’m not well. I don’t know, I guess I’m still trying to figure that one out.

The move seems like a dim and distant memory – we’ve been here almost two months now but if you told me we’d been here FOREVER it wouldn’t seem like an outlandish claim. Fleet became home without me even realising it, and living with Mr Awesome Thing Number Five hasn’t really been the challenge I was expecting. Don’t get me wrong, we’ve had our moments, but for the most part we’re just rubbing along together the way we always did. I can’t imagine a time that’ll ever change but I can’t help being on my guard against things suddenly changing. On the one hand that could be a bad thing, but on the other hand all it really means is that I’m aware and that I’m willing to put the work in. I think he is too. So that’s all right then, isn’t it?

Of course there’s the new job to mention. What can I say? Starting a new job is one of the oddest things you can do because for the first few days EVERYTHING is odd. The people are odd, the technology is odd, the office is odd, even the tea making facilities are odd. Of course it’s only odd because it’s different from the old place and in no time at all it’s the old place that seems odd. Such is the nature of change I guess. I’ve only been in the job for a couple of weeks and it still feels new and it still feels odd but I also feel like it’s going to be AWESOME and not just because they use SharePoint properly and have some excellent records management software for me to play with….

Anyway – as far as the IRL update goes, that pretty much covers the headlines. I’m aware that I should think about doing an ‘in WeeGee’s head’ update at some point soon but I don’t think I’m quite ready yet. For the most part everything is absolutely fine, mostly because of the IRL stuff. But there’s this other part, it’s only a teeny tiny little part – the broken part, I guess. Recently, I’ve been thinking that it never goes away. There’s a hole at the heart of me, and it’s always there, no matter how small…..

Meanwhile in other news there is nothing else to report today save that I love you all lots like Jelly Tots.

WeeGee xoxoxo

 

 

 

 

Posted in Welcome to my world

Seven weeks of weird – week one

Hello, hello. How do you all fancy a little bit of weird for not much of a change?

My good blogging buddy, none other than the very esteemed Mental Mama is hosting an awesome little challenge that goes by the name of ‘Seven weeks of weird’. You can read all about it here, if so you wish.

7weird

Needless to say I decided to take part – mostly because I like weird, but also because I’m so good at weird I’m not entirely convinced that seven weeks is going to be enough to fit all of my weird into….

Anyhow – for my first prompt I’m required to tell you all about the weirdest food or food combination that I like that everyone else thinks is nasty.

Here’s the thing, and the thing is a bit of a confession. I LOVE the Toby Carvery and I love it even though I know that it’s mostly nasty. For me, the Toby Carvery is the pot noodle of eating out. It’s cheap, it isn’t always cheerful, but man does it hit the spot…. Look! This is what you get!

toby carvery plate

I’m assuming my overseas readers will have no idea what the Toby Carvery is? Put simply it’s an all you can eat roast dinner buffet type place. You grab a plate choose from beef, chicken, gammon, and pork (or any combination therof), and then pile on whatever random selection of potato and vegetable accompaniments takes your fancy. IT DOESN’T EVEN MATTER IF THEY MATCH.

Best of all, you get to mix up your sauces in a way that is normally scorned upon in polite society. My personal preference is to take chicken gravy and cranberry sauce with beef…. JUST BECAUSE I CAN.

So yeah – I love the Toby Carvery. I love the freedom to eat stuff you aren’t meant to eat together IN PUBLIC, and I love the fact that you can eat EXACTLY as much as you want to (even if that happens to be a child sized portion) and I LOVE the fact that most sensible people hate it….. because it usually means I’m the most sensible person in the whole place. And when do I ever get to say that?!

Love you all lots, like Jelly Tots

WeeGee xoxoxo

 

 

 

 

Posted in Welcome to my world

A teeny tiny post from my new home

Since last I wrote, a little over a week ago, I have mostly been moving into my shiny new flat with Mr Awesome Thing Number Five. It’s been a funny old week filled with mostly highs, a couple of lows, and the occasional outbreak of wibbly wobbly wobbling…..

As it turned out, leaving my old flat behind wasn’t anywhere close to the emotional roller coaster I’d prepared myself for. In the end I pulled the door shut behind me and stepped out into my new life without so much as a second thought. Yet more proof, I think, that fear of ‘the thing’ is nearly always worse than ‘the thing’ itself. As for how I’m feeling now we’ve been in the place for a little while? I suppose it’s a fairly standard mixture of nerves and excitement.

blog 1

I’m excited because I’m in my shiny new flat and sharing my life with Mr Awesome Thing Number Five and I’m nervous because, you know, I have no idea how this is going to turn out and if it turns out badly I might not be able to cope and if I can’t cope I might get unwell again and if I get unwell again I might not be able to get better again and……blah blah blah. It doesn’t matter how awesome things are the same old worries swim around in your head if you let them.

Anyway – the headline for today is that we’re in, we seem to have managed to get in without any major mishaps, and we don’t seem to be driving one another mad yet. There’ll be more soon but for now, I’m afraid the only thing I’ve got going on here is happily ever after (so far).

blog five

Love you all lots like jelly tots,

WeeGee xoxox

Posted in Welcome to my world

Boo fucking hoo

I’m just going to have to face up to it. You know that birthday post I’ve been promising? Well I’m afraid it isn’t going to happen. The birthday in itself was completely AWESOME, full of Mr Awesome Thing Number Five, and a sleepy little English town, and feeding baby penguins which shat in my shoe, and a visit from my parents and…… AWESOME birthday. The thing is, my birthday was a long time ago, and since then I’ve been feeling ALL OF THE FEELINGS and the recent past isn’t really something that I feel much like blogging about because I’m a bit lost in the here and now, which – let’s be honest – is a little better that being lost in the then and gone or the still to come and unknown. Am I sounding a little manic to you? I’m feeling a little turbo charged so I wouldn’t be surprised…..

I woke up this morning feeling a little bit disjointed, you know? Like my brain wasn’t attached to my body anymore. I used to get that all the time – that feeling that my brain was a completely separate entity from ‘me’. Experiencing it now, for the first time in a while, I’m struck by how little sense it makes. I’m inextricably connected to my brain so how come it sometimes feels so ‘other’ every once in a while? The answer used to be ALIEN but that feels a bit unsatisfactory today. I believe myself to be lots of things but I don’t really believe myself to be an alien. I mean, it would be convenient, and it would explain an awful lot but being an alien would surely throw up even more questions than answers so it can’t possibly be the answer. Then again maybe I need to work through all of the questions and maybe being an alien isn’t as daft as it first sounds.

Still a bit turbo charged but not exactly AWESOME here. Alien brain strikes again?

I know that I’m not AWESOME because I don’t want to talk to most people. I don’t mind talking to some people but when I’m AWESOME I want to talk to everybody and as far as I’m concerned everybody can fuck right off. I can’t figure myself out right now so other people are a HUGE step too far. World. Shut. Your. Mouth.

I’ve written this post as it comes to me – stream of consciousness style. I’m just glad Mr Clever doesn’t get to read what I have to say here because I fear I’d wind up in trouble…..
WeeGee is not a happy WeeGee. Not at all. The brain is all broken and I’m a little bit angry and a little bit STOP because I’ve had enough…… Time for a song:

Booooo.

Love you lots like lovely jelly tots xxx

Posted in Welcome to my world

Dare I dare?

Okay. Point number one is that I swear to god I’ll do the whole ‘awesome birthday, fed the penguins’ post before the week is out. I’m dying to share it with you but every time I have the time to share it there seem to be other, more important things to say…..

So. What can be more important than ‘awesome birthday, fed the penguins?’ Well. Interesting things are happening here in WeeGee land. Like WeeGee might just trust someone, and WeeGee tells someone the whole story, and WeeGee realises that all of this trust and truth is unprecedented, and WeeGee gets a bit scared and feels the fear and does it anyway. I’ve got a feeling that WeeGee is learning to cope.

Mrs Mountain and I had a good long chat last week. And it was up to me what we chatted about. That’s always been the way but I don’t think I realised how in charge I was. I think that maybe I underestimate myself. Most of the time I’m in charge but in my head I’m not. I guess I’m stronger than I think I am.

The point is that I’m doing this. I’m being alive, and I’m having a life, and a ‘relationship’ and when I hide its a blip instead of the norm. I care about the stuff I care about. I feel like things are starting rather than ending. I feel like its going to be okay.

Above all else – I’m not hiding. And although I think my story is tough, and ugly, and unbearable I seem to have found a man who doesn’t mind and who loves me any way. Big word, eh?

Dare I dare to think myself lucky?

Lots and lots of jelly tots xxxxx

Posted in Welcome to my world

The opposite of a jolly post

Every so often I’m left wondering what gets in to me. Here I am, to all intents and purposes happy yet still I can’t quite shake off the feeling that something’s wrong. I don’t actually know what’s wrong. All I know is that in my heart, or in my head, it just isn’t right. I can’t help thinking that this is as good as it gets for an alien on planet earth – that no matter how good it gets, or what you’ve got going for you, the bit that’s broken always rises to the surface to mess things up…..

I find myself in hiding mode. I feel like I want to sit here until I figure it all out which would be fine if I knew what ‘it all’ actually was. So instead of figuring it all out I’m flitting about from one website to another, and googling random stuff to keep my brain occupied, and pacing, and staring, and trying my very best not to cry. I can’t cry because I know that as soon as I start there will be a very real and present danger that I’ll never be able to stop crying again.

This is a jolly little post, isn’t it.

The worst of it, I think, is that this is coming from nowhere. Nothing is one thing, but nothing creeping up on you not just when you least expect it but when you positively don’t expect it? Well that just well and truly sucks.

I should get up. I should shower and leave the house. I should eat something. I should phone a friend. I should PULL MYSELF TOGETHER. I should give myself a break, and a bit of peace and quiet, and I should poke myself in the eye to see if that gets me going. I should do a million and one things but I don’t think I’m going to do any of them.

Maybe I’m just feeling sorry for myself. Or maybe this is the reality of broken brain. For all the meds, and the talking, and the self soothing, and the people who just want you well this is all there really is. Nothing. And nothing will come of nothing. For all the times you think you’re better nothing is still hiding in your brain. It’ll always come back and you won’t know how long it’s going to stick around for.

But hey: Upwards and onwards. Keep on keeping on. Do the right thing. All things must pass.

Tomorrow always comes.

Lots of love from WeeGee xoxoxo

Posted in Welcome to my world

Float on….

Do you know what I’ve got today? I’ve got no patience. As in none whatsoever. As in World Shut Your Mouth. As in can WeeGee just be left in peace and quiet hiding in her little hidey hole pretending that the world doesn’t exist? By the way, if the answer to that question turns out to be no there’s going to be an awful lot of swearing in WeeGee land and one or two (or three) idiots might get poked in the eye. Why is there never a shortage of idiots? Will it ever be socially acceptable to poke an idiot in the eye? More to the point could I poke an idiot in the eye and blame it on the fact I’m mental AND I’ve got no patience today?

Notwithstanding the lack of patience and the prevalence of idiots I’ve actually been having a nice little think since I last blogged. I’ve been thinking about all kinds of things like how you probably have to get to know me really well before you realise that my intensity is really only an exaggeration of something far more sensible. And about how I promised myself that I wasn’t going to cling on to things that make me feel small, or insignificant, or unhappy. And about how the story doesn’t end until you’re dead. And about how I hope it’s a very long time before I wind up dead. And about how I always loved stories anyway…..

Before we go any further we should probably have a song because I’ve got a couple for you today and I don’t want to have to squeeze them all in at the end. This one is a funny one, in that it’s very old and it isn’t really up my usual street but it makes me happy when I hear it. I don’t know why it lifts my heart –I’d guess that it was some kind of long forgotten positive association if it hadn’t been in the charts when WeeGee was kicking about with Mr Fylde, or rather when WeeGee was getting kicked about by Mr Fylde* so there wasn’t a lot of positive stuff going on at the time. Anyway – after a very long and perhaps unnecessary introduction here is a song that lifts WeeGee’s heart for no apparent reason:

Did it make you smile too? Anyway – back to my nice little think…..

A lot of my nice little think has been about how so much of life turns on being in the right place at the right time, or the wrong place at the wrong time, or the right place at the wrong time, or the wrong place at the right time. I suppose it’s been making me sad because if you don’t believe in fate, or destiny or stuff like that the chances of the right place and time colliding start to feel like a billion to one shot and that makes me think maybe it’ll always feel a little bit wrong and I don’t like that thought very much. But it doesn’t matter if it’s sad, because it just makes sense. Ho Hum.

On a more positive note my little think has led me to conclude that it’s time I started thinking about letting Mr X start fall out of my head: the less you think about someone the less you think about them if you see what I mean. On the one hand, I’m aware that no one ever completely falls out of WeeGee’s head which means Mr X will probably pop up being all nice and easy and making me wonder ‘what if’ from time to time. On the other hand I’ve come to learn that there are far worse things in life than ‘what if’. On which note, here’s another song. It’s one of my favourites, because it makes me think about the way how tomorrow keeps coming, and how life rolls on regardless:

Meanwhile in other news I recently discovered that if your best friend talks you into logging back into an online dating site ‘to see what’s going on’ and you do and find yourself ruling perfectly nice looking people out on account of such ridiculous criteria as

• Lives in Shoreditch
• Is wearing a hat
• Wouldn’t suit pink**
• Looks like he’d wear sunglasses indoors
• Thinks Coldplay counts as music***
• Looks a bit like Mr Friendly which means he also looks a bit like Mr X which means I really can’t be bothered with that

there was no point in your best friend talking you into logging back into an online dating site because you are clearly not at all interested in what’s going on. Nothing else to report save that we might as well end with a song, because it’s traditional and because it’s AWESOME:

That’s all from me. I’m still thinking. And still getting there. And still learning lessons every step of the way.

Love you all lots and lots and lots, WeeGee xoxoxoxox

*I know that seems a bit flippant. I’m allowed to be because it’s my story
**Suiting pink is an important criteria in WeeGee land
***This one isn’t really ridiculous