Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

A spot of quiet reflection

Today marks the six month anniversary of How do you eat an elephant? An appropriate point for a spot of quiet reflection methinks……

I suppose the first thing to say is the fact that WeeGee started doing something new six months ago and is still doing it today. That’s a big achievement what my tendency to move on to the next obsession a little too quickly and all. In six months my blog has changed quite a lot – I guess it takes a little while to find your feet. You know what though? I’m actually rather proud of my little blog –that I started it, that I’ve kept on doing it, that I’ve managed to turn it into something that matters to me. Me being proud of something I’ve done doesn’t happen very often so I’m definitely giving myself a little pat on the back today.

Now I’ve had my pat on the back I’ll do a bit more reflecting on stuff. I’ve been a reflective mood for a while, so I thought I might as well turn that into a post. To be honest I’ve been reflecting on pretty much everything, but neither you or I have time for that so I’ll focus on the most important bits.

A lot of my reflection has focused on where I’ve been and how I go about keeping myself where I am now for as long as possible. As to where I’ve been, well I’ve been lost somewhere totally shitty. Looking on the bright side I’ve learned an awful lot about myself along the way and I feel like I’m coming out the other side stronger. I know also, how I got to where I got to – holding on too tightly to things that actually, when I let go of them, just floated away without doing any damage at all. That tells me I need to learn to let go because once in a while letting go is the right thing to do.

Keeping myself here feels like a slightly daunting task. As much as I tell myself I can do it, or how much I feel like I can do it, I’m scared that one day, out of the blue I suddenly won’t be able to do it anymore. I can’t predict what’s going to happen in my life which means I can’t predict what’s going to happen in my brain. I can’t promise myself that where I am right now is going to be where I’ll be forever. That’s the thought I’ve been having and writing it down made me realise that maybe that’s the whole point. I don’t want to stay here forever and maybe I have a better chance of keeping myself well if I keep on moving.

I’m anxious about happens when Mr Clever decides I’m officially better and no longer need the medication and small army of support workers to get me through the day. I guess I just need to be on guard –  if I feel like things are getting risky I have make sure I do what I’ve been guilty of not doing in the past: shout up. That’s quite a big challenge I suppose, although in the main scheme of things I like a bit of a challenge every now and then.

I had a bit of a revelation during my recent session with Mrs Mountain. We were talking about what happens when all the support stops and I said something along the lines of “I can’t have counselling for the rest of my life”. Her response was “Why not?” And the penny dropped. Counselling isn’t just about putting yourself back together when you fall apart – it’s also about keeping yourself back together which is actually the most important part….

Moving on – a good deal of my reflection has been about Mr Friendly. I think that’s fairly natural. For a long time I thought I just wanted him back in my life – that, if I’m honest, Mr Friendly in my life was the only thing that would make me well again. Guess what? I’m getting well again all by myself. Mr Friendly will probably always be my friend and I’ll always love him. The big thing for me is that when I think about loving Mr Friendly now I think of a friendly, fond kind of love rather than whatever kind of ‘love’ we had when we were together. Being back together with Mr Friendly is actually a really bad idea, not least because he hurt me very badly. What he did, or rather the way he did what he did was anything but okay and it really doesn’t matter that he didn’t hurt me on purpose. The thing is I don’t have to forgive and forget all that stuff and I don’t need to pretend that it’s okay – I just need to accept it and then leave it in the past.

Anyway – we’re almost 1000 words later and that, I think, is enough quiet reflection for one day.

In summary, I’m feeling pleased with myself at the moment: I’m still learning lessons, and I’m finally fairly comfortable in my own skin. Long may it continue?

I might be back later to update you on the developments in my online dating experiment. It’s quite exciting really because for the first time in a very long time – I feel a bit of an adventure coming on!

Lots of love from WeeGee who is getting to the point where she barely recognises herself and likes it!

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

When will there be good news?

When will there be good news: that’s a question I asked myself time and time again during some of my darker days. I think I’m finally  starting to work out what the answer is…

The point is that there is always good news – it’s just that when you’re full of the flat and empties, feeling pointless and bleak and wishing you were dead you don’t actually see it. I suppose when you’re in a good place you are more able to notice the good things when they happen.

I’m not really sure how I turn that into a lesson for the future, but it seemed like an important revelation to me so I thought I’d write it down for future reference.

I’m sure you’ll be excited to learn that I’ve got a longer more rambling post planned for you later. I’ve also (as is always the case at the moment) got rather a lot of reading to do. Catch you later, I guess…..

Lots of love from a philosophical WeeGee xxx

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

Quiet night in

Gryff hasn’t been over the moon about my recent adventures in having a social life so, after a busy week, I’ve decided it was about time I spent some time with him. I’ve been looking forward to it all day which is kinda strange because I’ve been more in the habit of dreading evenings where I don’t have anything to do* whereas now it just seems like a nice quiet night in with the cat…… Plus I’ve got about three million hours of soap operas to catch up with along with a further three squillion blogs to read so the time will be spent wisely.

It’s been an action packed week what with work – where I am now back to full time hours and loving it again – and me being all out and about doing stuff. I’m pretty exhausted to be honest and feel like I need some time to myself now. I guess that’s some more lessons: the diary doesn’t have to be completely full to ‘prove’ I’m okay and fancying a bit of time to yourself is fine because it’s entirely different from hiding.

I’m still not completely sure of the next step for How do you eat an elephant? I want to keep it up, but I’ve always thought about it as a blog about being mental. I suppose I could just write about the random stuff that goes in my head because at the end of the day it’s usually a bit mental  – it’s just not mental mental if you see what I mean? For now I suppose I’m just going to update on an as and when basis and see where that takes me. Taking things as they come eh? Go me! I have felt bad about being slightly absent here on WordPress for a while and I’m trying (in vain at the moment) to catch up keep up with my reading. I’m sure once I’m settled into my new routines I’ll get better although I do have to say that you lot are a fairly prolific bunch!

Nothing else to report today I’m afraid – I’ll fill you in on the details another time.

Hope you are doing okay

Love from WeeGee xxxx

*Which has been most of them of late

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

How to eat an elephant

As far as I can tell blogging has rather a lot in common with eating Pringles: once you pop you just can’t stop….. This is just a quick one though, because I don’t have a whole lot to say for myself – in fact I only have two things to share with you today and they’re both a little sentimental (such is my way)

Sentimental thing number one:

I was genuinely touched by the messages of encouragement I received in response to my last post. All the warmth and positivity really meant a lot to me, not least because the people who read my blog know and understand exactly where I’ve been and how hard I’ve worked to get to where I am. So – thank you for all the kind comments, not just yesterday but ever since I started blogging almost six months ago. I had no idea what a lovely little community I was stumbling into when I hit ‘publish’ for the first time. All I can say is I’m glad that I did because you guys are awesomely awesome.

Sentimental thing number two:

Over the last two years I’ve learned an awful lot of important lessons but I really wanted to share this one with you – it can and does get better. It might not get better forever and you’ll never know when you’re going to have to fight your way out of it again, but you will fight it and you will get out. Keep doing all the right things even when it seems to be making no difference at all. Eventually all those things come together and you start to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

In short? Keep on keeping on.

Turns out it is possible to eat an elephant after all. You just have to do it bite by bite (and keep your nerve when it gets really tough)

Much love to you all, WeeGee xx

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

Where I’m at

I’ve not been very regular about blogging recently. I suppose I’ve been ‘otherwise engaged’ which is no bad thing. I’m also so woefully behind with my reading that I fear I will never catch up and so, for the sake of my sanity I’ve decided that I’m going back as far as I can tonight and then I have to draw a line under it all and start again. Sorry, sorry and triple sorry….. I hope I don’t miss anything major.

The first thing to tell you is that things are really starting to look up in WeeGee Land. But fear not! I don’t feel reckless or invincible or hyper – I guess the best way I can think of to describe where I’m at right now is to say that I feel capable and okay and both things feel sustainable in the immediate term. That’s quite good, no?

I spent most of last week readjusting my routines. I need to have routines, but the old ones were all designed with the purpose of keeping my broken brain in check. The all new routine regime keeps most of that stuff (I don’t want to get too complacent) but also builds in a bit of WeeGee enjoying herself just for the sake of it. Which is new. And nice.

Last night I phoned everybody I know* and got dates in the diary for catch ups because it’s time for the WeeGee to act on what she has always known – there’s a big wide world out there that is worth being part of. You can’t hide forever. Well – technically you can but it’s not a good idea.

I must confess that I’ve had a little think about the future of my blog. I’m kind of mid think at the moment. I know that I’m definitely not going to give up blogging but I feel like I need to work out some of the nuts and bolts stuff. I also feel like I need to keep an eye on how blog reading affects me. ‘Triggering’ isn’t really a word I would use, but I do think I need to be aware of myself and my moods – the last thing I want to happen is for me to use the blogs I read to give me ‘permission’ to go back to the worst of me. I hope that makes sense? I care a great deal about my blogging buddies, but I’m in a new place now and know that I need to care about myself first. Now I feel like I might be a shitty person even though I know I’m not.

So anyway – now I’ve done a bit of an update and a bit of an apology and a bit of thinking out loud**. Time for a spot of nice safe blog reading……

Lots of love WeeGee xxx

*With one notable and deliberate exception, but that’s a different story entirely

**Well not exactly ‘out loud’ but you know what I mean

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

Always going somewhere

I thought it was about time I popped up to say hello. *WeeGee pops up* “Hello – how’s everyone getting on?”

The other day I was reading about the distance a human being travels when they are doing nothing more than standing still – you know what with the Earth spinning round in the solar system* and all. I really like the idea that we’re always going somewhere even though it doesn’t feel like it at the time.

For the last two years I’ve felt stuck and hopeless – trapped by my broken brain. I’ve been to some pretty hellish places and at times, I felt like it was all over, that there was nothing I could do. What I didn’t realise (or what I forgot to remember from prior attacks of the mentals) was that I had to go to all of the hellish places in order to get to where I am now. What’s that thing about having to go there to come back?

As to where I am now – well I’m okay. Don’t get me wrong: it hasn’t all gone away and I still feel pointless and empty. But (and it’s a big but**) I’m in the right place to take it on. You know last week, when Mr Clever the bow tie wearing psychiatrist said I might be ‘delusional’? I don’t think he thought I was delusional at all. I think he was trying to get my attention and remind me that I’m doing well which means that this is EXACTLY the time to deal with all the things I refuse to deal with – from this breakdown, and the last, and the one before that. I guess that’s why he’s the clever psychiatrist….

So yeah – I’m ready to throw myself into it. I’m ready to accept where I am and how I got here. I’m ready to iron out all the creases. The beauty of it is that I’ve still got that white coat safety net on my side.

I’ll never be ‘normal’. That’s just the way it goes. But I will manage this – I will take responsibility and get back to myself (however inadequate I think myself to be). I’ve done it before and I’m ready to do it again.

Lots of love from WeeGee (who has just written an uncharacteristically positive post)

*Scientific accuracy is not guaranteed

**Ho ho

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

Okay while it lasts

I feel that I should blog. So here I am – blogging. It’s hard to blog about being mental when you’re not feeling especially mental…..

Whenever I start feeling okay I think “this is it; I’m finally okay” but I have to try to remember that it doesn’t really work like that.

Okay lasts as long as okay wants to and then it replaces itself with not okay again. Which is fine so long as I’m ready for not okay when it comes around. Trouble is it’s almost impossible to truly ready yourself for not okay when things are okay. If you see what I mean?

There are a few things coming up that I need to prepare myself for – anniversaries and such like. It’s daft because the only anniversaries that mean anything to me are the bad ones: it’s x amount of time since such and such a terrible thing happened. Why does that have to matter more than the fact that it’s x amount of time since something good happened? Broken brain is the answer I suppose.

Anyhoo. I’m not feeling particularly mental at the moment, but I’ve got this horrible feeling that the mentals are coming.

Why won’t they just leave me alone?

Lots of love from WeeGee

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

Okay is okay

I thought it was about time I did a little update, but before I come to that there’s a point of order to attend to….

My name is WeeGee, I’m proper mental and I write a blog about how bonkers I am. My head is full of lunacy, insanity and nutty stuff – in fact, it would be fair to say that I’m as mad as a box of frogs. For the avoidance of doubt I am a whack job, psycho, off my rocker, crazy mentalist. Oh, and just to be completely  sure you know what I’m about: I’m a double freaky weirdo loony.

So that’s the point of order taken care of and that’s all I have to say about that. The end.

Now for a little update…..

All things considered I’m doing okay at the moment. I might even be doing more than okay, but I don’t want to tempt fate so I’ll stick with okay. Okay is okay, right?

So I went back to work on Monday after a brief ‘rest’. I’m working part time at the moment which is good for two reasons. Reason 1) it’s good to ease yourself back in to things. Reason 2) working part time is just good full stop.

The good news is that the doom and the gloom seems to have lifted a bit and I can feel something that might just be optimism setting in. Sure there are a few things swimming around in my head that threaten to bite me on the bum at some unspecified point in the future, but whilst they’re not actually biting me I might as well ignore them. There’s no point worrying about them until they actually bite and you never know your luck, they might never do any biting – they might just go away.

I’m putting myself back together and making some little plans. I’m leaving some stuff behind. I’m doing okay. And everything is okay. Which is okay.

Lots of love from WeeGee xxx

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

More lessons

I feel that I should write something. I’m not entirely sure what I’m going to write, but if I don’t write something soon I’ll get out of the habit of writing and that’d probably spell The End for How do you eat an elephant? Which would be a bit of a shame…..

I suppose I should start by filling you in on the last couple of days which have felt like something approaching good. Yes, you did read that right – I said something approaching good! Okay, so I had a minor melt down at the start of the week but it had been a long time coming I suppose and I’ve just about forgiven myself  because I feel like I’ve learned some important lessons along the way. Which is no bad thing…..

Important lesson of the week # 1: If you can’t keep going you have to stop keeping going until you’re ready to get going again.

I’ve also been busy taking care of myself and making a plan. It feels like ages since I’ve a) properly taken care of myself or b) had a plan. It feels so much better to have something to aim for other than Eastenders* I’m not talking about any kind of grand ‘sort your life out in four weeks’ plan, more of a ‘let’s get from a to b and worry about c later’ type plan.

Important lesson of the week # 2: You don’t have to do EVERYTHING right now because there’s plenty of time for everything.

I’ve had a few words with ‘the brain’. It’s a ridiculous state of affairs – we can’t hate one another for ever because we’re pretty much stuck with each other** and whether we like it or not we’re going to have to find a way to rub along together. The deal goes something like this: I will nourish rest and generally take good care of the brain if the brain promises to make a concerted effort to stop with all that over thinking it nonsense. In the fullness of time I’d like the brain to give up on all that up/down/backwards/forwards/shake it all about stuff, but hey! At least we’ve got a start.

Important lesson of the week #3: If you take good care of your brain it will be remarkably compliant when it comes to doing deals.

One week. One meltdown. Three lessons. Could be worse eh?

In conclusion I think things are looking okay. That’s as far as my ‘state of the nation’ update goes: WeeGee is okay. Which is pretty much okay.

Never fear – I’ll be back later with some of the more usual rambling idiocy

Love WeeGee xxx

*Yes. I watch Eastenders. What of it?!

**What with the frontal lobotomy being out of fashion and all….

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

Learning lessons

Where to begin? I suppose I should start with the story of the last few days which can be summarised thusly: ‘the good, the bad, and the downright shitty’. As I write I am somewhere between bad and downright shitty which although not ideal is a whole lot more ideal than just plain downright shitty….

I’m currently signed off from work owing to the downright shittiness that descended on Sunday morning. Being off work is an unusual state of affairs for me and I’m not entirely sure how I feel about it. All I know is that I got to Monday morning (somehow) and it became blindingly obvious to me that I couldn’t carry on going on the way I was going on. My GP and my employer agreed.

Thankfully, it’s a short term ‘rest’ rather than long term sickness. I think a period of long term sickness would drive me mad (ho ho). I’m expected and expecting to be fit to return to work next Tuesday on a ‘phased return’, which would probably be a bit extreme were it not for the extent of the downright shittiness that has been upon me. By the way I’m not going to tell you about the downright shittiness – I’m hoping you will take my word for it: it was DOWNRIGHT SHITTY SHITTINESS for a little while there.

It’s tough enough for anyone to admit that they aren’t coping, but I manage to make it double difficult on myself, because coping is the only thing I do well: whatever the horror in my head, however low I go I make it my priority to function because I don’t want to let people down. I don’t want people to make allowances, or worry about me, or (to be honest) know how bad things have really got for me.

Trouble is that’s pretty much the same as pretending and you can only play make believe with your broken brain for so long….

In the end, for me it came down to a simple choice. Take a break, and go back to work in stages or find myself being a gibbering wreck, probably in hospital and definitely unable to work for a considerable amount of time. As tough as it’s been to say ‘Help!’ and ‘I need to stop’, I feel like I’m doing the right thing and taking care of myself (possibly for the first time in my life)

So I finally said it – in no uncertain terms: things are bad and I can’t cope. Truth told, I already feel like I’m coping better just for having said it. I don’t have to be ‘strong’ all of the time or rather perhaps I’ve misunderstood ‘strength’. I suppose you could call it a lesson well learned.

Lots of love,

WeeGee xx