Category: Moving forwards

Posted in Moving forwards

An awesome little weekend

Posted on by WeeGee

Okay, so before you say it, I know I should be asleep. I tried to be asleep but it wasn’t quite happening so I decided to get up and do something instead of lying in bed thinking ‘I wish I was asleep’. The thing about lying in bed wishing you were asleep is that there is no surer way of keeping yourself awake. That, by the way, is one of those important lessons I’ve learned along the way.

Apart from being awake when I should probably be asleep I don’t have a single cause for complaint. Yep. You heard me right: I don’t have a SINGLE cause for complaint. How brilliant is that? I’ve got myself over one of my little wobbles without jumping off any tall things, or accidentally on purpose starving myself, or hurting myself, or hiding in my little hidey hole. I did all of the right things AND IT WAS ALRIGHT IN THE END. It shouldn’t be surprising – if you do the right things for long enough eventually everything will be right. One of these days I’m going to remember not to forget that one……

Do you know what I did this weekend? I went and had myself an AWESOME little weekend filled with the company of the AWESOME people I care about, like Mr Friendly, and Mrs Sparkle, and Mr X. I even managed to fit in a spot of WeeGee pottering along quite nicely all by herself. Which brings me onto the next thing that I forget to remember: WeeGee needs to balance the time she spends alone and the time she spends with the people she cares about because if the balance tips too far in either direction WeeGee goes a bit mental. Too much time alone and I’m prone to hiding. Which is rubbish. Too much time with other people and I get overwhelmed and start soaking them up and forgetting to be me. Which is also rubbish.

I suppose I should do a bit of a Mr X update because I know how you love a bit of gossip. Well…. I’m pleased to report that Mr X and I are coming along quite nicely thank you very much. The time we spend together is always time well spent – happy and content and above all else, easy. It really isn’t easy for me to feel that being with someone is easy because I’m usually too busy being confused, or frightened, or suspicious for easy to get a look in. As daft as it sounds, I’m really enjoying easy.

The nicest thing of all about Mr X, is that I’m not all carried away with it. Right now, I’m lucky enough to be dating a really, really lovely guy* and I’m enjoying getting to know him and letting him get to know me. We’re having a good time and we’re smiling, and we’re laughing and we’re skirting around the big stuff in a natural and organic way**. We’re telling each other the truth and slowly coming to trust one another without being foolish. In a nutshell? So far so good. It isn’t any more complicated than that, because it doesn’t have to be. And that’s all I’ve got to say about that.

Meanwhile in other news I visited Hampton Court Maze today which was excellent fun, but also planted the seed of a thought about negotiating your way through the maze that is being alive. I might come back to that one in another post, because I probably need to have one of my little thinks before I can make any sense out of it……

Nothing else to report today save that I wondered if you’d like to hear a pretty little song. It’s kinda sad, but also kinda not and I happen to be a little bit in love with it:

Loadsa love from WeeGee McImightsleepnow xoxoxox

*who also happens to be really rather handsome. Just saying.
**we’ve even broached the Bristol scale. Which will either mean something to you, or it won’t. No need to google it. Seriously…..

Posted in Moving forwards

Keeping on keeping on

Posted on by WeeGee

Today I have mostly been having a bit of a word with myself because broken brain was threatening to take charge and I decided that I wasn’t having any of that because when broken brain takes charge things start to get boring and WeeGee so hates it when things start to get boring.

Every once in a while I have to remind myself not to forget that I am a perfectly capable and determined individual* who quite likes being out there in the world doing my little thing. Sure – I’m a bit hypersensitive at times, and I’m prone to wobbling, and sinking, and crying uncontrollably, and saying really bad swear words just because I can. But if you look at it from another angle all that really says is that I care about stuff, and that I’m not afraid to let myself feel whichever feeling comes along, and that I know myself better than most. And that my ‘swearing like a navvy’ skills are particularly well developed.

It’s time for WeeGee to spring into action, take care of herself, and keep on keeping on like she always does. Cue a particularly amusing ‘I’m not fat so I can eat whatever I want to’ trip to the supermarket** a flat refusal to cancel any further plans on account of my alien brain, a great deal of WeeGee style hilarity in the office*** and a whole load of WeeGee AWESOMENESS thank you very much. In more sensible developments I made a appointment to see Mr Clever**** and had a bit of a chat with Mrs Worry about managing my workload between now and the wobble being completely over*****

Go me.

Today I have been reminded that honesty is always the best policy and that it’s okay to say ‘help’ if you need a little help, because its always out there if you ask. I’ve also remembered I’m a very lucky girl because the people in my life are good and kind people who are always there to hang onto my ankles so I don’t fall into the pit.

As for what all this wobbling has been about? The same thing it’s always about – control, or lack of control over the way I feel. The thing is, I either accept that I have people and opportunities in my life and hand over a bit of control, or I hide in my bed for the rest of my life pretending that there’s no such thing as other people or opportunities. Not much of a choice really, is it?

What’s that thing about life being about the journey and not the destination?

Meanwhile in other news I am very close to bouncing off the walls with excitement because I’m going to see the very marvellous Frank Turner TWO DAYS RUNNING. Hurrah! Nothing else to report today save that I’m going to end with a happy little song today because I decided it would make a nice little change.

Loads and loadsa love and hugs and penguins <(")******

WeeGee McKeepingKeepingOn xoxoxoxo

PS Pen: the asterisks are especially for you xoxoxox

*note the deliberate omission of the word human
**Who all wants some carbohydrates?
***It involved 'sticky bogies' and an acorn that looked like a poo. One of these days I'll grow up, but not yet.
****better safe than sorry I guess
****I refuse to get in a mess at work because that's just the beginning of the end.
******thanks to the lovely Rhio for the AWESOME penguin xoxoxox

Posted in Moving forwards

I’m fine. So there….

Posted on by WeeGee

Today I have mostly been being a happy little soul because I don’t have a single reason to be anything else. Perhaps that isn’t entirely true because not everything is perfect and I’m sure I could find something to be miserable and overwhelmed about if I put my mind to it. The thing is I’ve decided that from here on WeeGee is going to stop putting her mind to being miserable and overwhelmed and concentrate on being AWESOME instead. It’s much better fun being alive when you’re too busy being AWESOME to be miserable and overwhelmed….

I made an important discovery this past week – it turns out if you stop worrying, and fretting, and being all miserable and overwhelmed you start to find the courage to face up to the things that are making you feel that way. This is important because when you start facing up to things, and taking action, and being positive about the negatives you eventually find that you’re dealing with the negatives in a sensible and coherent way. I guess if you keep that up for long enough you eventually get to a point where you’ve completely run out of negatives (although I suspect that one or two new negatives might pop up along the way because that’s just the way things works). I wonder if this way of looking at things is what they call ‘coping’? I really hope so, because if you look back through the history of WeeGee and her problems they have manifested themselves in all kinds of different ways but they’ve always come down to the same thing: WeeGee struggles to cope with being alive.

At the moment being alive feels pretty fine and dandy to me. I don’t really mind that people can be confusing and cruel or that the Big Wide World doesn’t always make sense because I’m happy to concentrate on My Little World and the honest and kind people I’ve spent a long time surrounding myself with. I don’t care that work is stressful or that I’m a bit on the skint side because work won’t be stressful for ever and I won’t always be skint – all things must pass. It doesn’t matter that sad things happen and then live in your heart for a very long time because if you never felt sad you wouldn’t appreciate how AWESOME it is when you feel happy. It doesn’t even matter that I’ve got a nuclear case of psoriasis going on because psoriasis really isn’t the kind of thing that ought to matter regardless of how nuclear it is.

This time last week I was feeling a bit mixed up and unsure and now I’m feeling completely together and certain and (how AWESOME is this?) it was little old me who got myself from one feeling to the other. Sure, I wobbled about all over the place for a little while but then I stopped wobbling, had a little think about what all the fuss was about, and then everything was okay again because the fuss was about nothing that matters. The fuss was about wonky expectations, and taking what people say to heart and not trusting myself to make my own choices just in case they went wrong and I couldn’t cope and went mental again. Those aren’t things that I’m prepared to base my decisions on anymore.

I have to trust how I feel and what I think and what I want because that’s what I’ve been working towards for all this time – WeeGee in the driving seat and in charge of her life and emotions just like a normal person. I also have to trust people and let them to get close because that’s the only way I’ll ever disprove the ridiculous theory that everybody lets you down and leaves in the end. Above all else I have to trust in the person that WeeGee is. If that means that I wear my heart on my sleeve, or care too much, or accept too easily or be too kind or whatever else it is that people say I do – so be it.

I know I wear my heart on my sleeve, that I care about people, and accept who and what they are, and that I’m kind – always and to everybody. What can I say? I can only ever be the me I’m supposed to be and besides – how is any of that a bad thing anyway?

So there.

 

Loadsa love from WeeGee McHappyLittleSoul xoxoxox

 

PS – It’s been ages since we’ve had a ‘meanwhile in other news’ or any asterisks isn’t it? Happen I’ll have to put that right sometime soon xoxoxox

 

Posted in Moving forwards

Don’t mention the time

Posted on by WeeGee

This post is going to be a bit like an episode of Fawltey Towers insofar as that no matter what happens it is absolutely imperative that you DON’T MENTION THE TIME because it is unspeakably early and WeeGee isn’t asleep and she’s not exactly over the moon about it.

I haven’t been able to blog for a little while because all of the words had fallen out of my head and every time I tried to write something all I could achieve was a blank page. Perhaps being awake at six o’clock on a Sunday morning is the cure for wordy block because I’ve already written 107 words and I’m sure there are a few more where they came from. And yes, of course I mentioned the time. It’s impossible not to mention the time when you are awake at six o’clock on a Sunday morning……

The last time I wrote I felt like my heart had been stolen and replaced with a stone and I was worried about how I was going to go about finding my heart again. It turns out I didn’t need to worry because the answer was staring me square in the face: when you lose your heart all you need is for somebody to come along and help you find it. Every once in a while it occurs to me that the world is actually quite a nice place to live, because every once in a while the world delivers the very thing you need at the very time you need it. For now, that’s all I’m going to say about that, but you can rest assured that all will become clear because when it comes to you guys I can’t keep a secret to save my life xoxoxo

It’s a quarter past six now (yes, I know I mentioned the time) and I’m up to 308 words: take that wordy block.

I’ve had a busy week what with having a social life and having a job and having one of my little thinks. The highlight of my social life was the ever lovely Roddy Woomble at the Jazz Cafe* The highlight of my working week was a rather triumphant project sign off and the highlight of my little think was remembering that I am well enough to have a week long little think without jumping off the cliff. Go me.

06:24. 400 words on the nose. Do you think 400 words mean that my writers block is cured?

I’m looking forward to today because I’ve got an awesome little day to myself planned and I do so love an awesome little day to myself. I’ve decided that today is going to be about doing all of the things that WeeGee loves doing when she’s by herself – like tidying up, and cooking, and knitting, and reading all the lovely blogs that I keep not finding the time to read. Sorry about that by the way.

Anyway. I’ve made it to six thirty and I’ve just tipped the 500 word mark, so I think I might call it a day, hit publish and see if I can’t get myself back to sleep for a little while. You never know, I might even be back later because I’ve picked up a couple of those exciting blog awards and its about time I got around to accepting them.

I leave you today with a song. I’ve known the song for quite a while, but I hadn’t really noticed exactly how beautiful it was until I heard it live and my heart melted:

06:33. 599 words. Over and out.

Lots of love, WeeGee xoxoxoxoxox

*Actually, there was another social highlight but I’m keeping it to myself for now 🙂

Posted in Moving forwards

And now for something completely different….

Posted on by WeeGee

Evening folks.

Today I decided it was time to put some of those grand plans I’ve been making in my head into action, because I’ve been sitting on my backside doing nothing for too long and I’m bored of sitting on my backside doing nothing and the only way to remedy that is to get up and get on.

I’m proud of How do you eat an elephant? I like what I’ve achieved here, and what we’ve done together and I think we’re all pretty damn AWESOME so I figured we might as well tell a whole different world about how AWESOME we are.

Ladies and gentlemen….. I give you How do you eat an elephant? on Facebook:

http://www.facebook.com/HungryElephant

I really hope you’ll head across and join me because I promise we’re going to have a whole lot of WeeGee shaped fun over there. It’s going to be an AWESOME and hilarious little place, where everybody is welcome and hugs are available on tap. Not only that – there’s even a PRIZE for follower number one…..

Go on. You’ll never know what you’re missing unless you try it.

Lots and lots of love (and I’m going to feel a bit foolish if no-one comes to the party) WeeGee xoxoxoxoxo

Posted in Moving forwards

All the mental stuff

Posted on by WeeGee

Hello there everybody! Just a very quick festive hello to my blogging buddies. Hope you are all enjoying your day and that things are going well. I am aware that I owe you one very big update and I promise I’ll get to that before the end of the year.

In the meantime all is calm in WeeGee land. I’m still doing really well with all the mental stuff and things in my life continue to be good. Mr Magic is still AWESOME and Christmas has been fab.

I’ll leave you with my favourite festive song. Well – it’s ages since we had a bit of Frank…..

http://youtu.be/DI-f-Hwp-Qo

Lots of love and festive cheer from WeeGee xxxx

Posted in Moving forwards

Getting better

Posted on by WeeGee

This isn’t the first time that I’ve started a blog entry by saying ‘I don’t know where to start’ but today it’s different because the only problem I have is deciding which AWESOME thing to tell you about first*

I think I’ll start with two apologies because I definitely owe them:

  • Apology number one: I’m sorry that I’ve been a bit irregular about blogging this week
  • Apology number two: I’m sorry that I forgot about The Depressed Moose’s birthday and therefore didn’t make a fuss of him on the day

Then I’ll do a bit of a thank you:

  • A great big thank you to my bestest blogging buddies** who noted my absence and got in touch to make sure I was okay*** Love you guys gazillions xoxoxox

Now all that’s out of the way I suppose it’s time for a little bit of an update from WeeGee land….

Ages ago, when I was all woe is me and I want to die I heard somebody**** saying ‘when things in your life are good, good things happen’ I remember it because it made me feel even more bleak than I already did because things in my life were bad and it felt like they would never get any better and it just hammered home that ‘what’s the effing point’ feeling that creeps in so regularly when you’re mental.

But somehow (and very slowly) things started to get better. They got so much better that eventually I had my ‘holy swearword moment’ and realised what the effing point was. And from that moment on things in my life have been good and getting better all the time. As I write this I can say genuinely that I am happy, that I’m enjoying life and that I can’t wait to find out what comes next. I’ve always liked adventures – it’s just that I’ve usually been too scared to go on them. Not anymore.

Meanwhile in other news I would like to make it known that there is ABSOLUTELY no way to get in or out of a Porsche wearing a skirt with any dignity whatsoever. Nothing else to report save that Gryff is getting a bit fed up with all this WeeGee having a social life stuff so a night in with the cat is very definitely in order.

I leave you today with an AWESOME (if a little old) song which sums up my life quite neatly at the moment:

Lots and lots and lots of love and a few hugs for good measure, WeeGee xoxoxoxo

PS – I promise to catch up on your lovely blogs this week. I’ve been missing you all

*I’ve had my fair share of problems and this is officially my favourite problem of all time

**You know who you are

***I wondered if you thought I was a) heartbroken because it had all gone tits up or b) murdered because Mr Magic turned out to be a serial killer…..

****I can’t remember who – some kinda celebrity

Posted in Moving forwards

Bumps in the road

Posted on by WeeGee

I thought I’d start today with a huge, massive and very public thank you to one of my very favourite blogging buddies who did an awesome job of helping me get myself pointed in the right direction again last night. I love the fact that I can have a shocker of a day and someone who I have never met will pop up and say ‘Hey WeeGee here are loads of hugs and let’s have a little chat about what’s going on and see if we can’t figure it out’ And then we have a little chat and pretty much figure it out. The Internet is AWESOME and so is Bourbon who writes a brilliant blog and is mental health blogging royalty in my book….. Love you loads, Bourbon xxxx

As far as yesterday is concerned here is what I have to say: Dear Yesterday, I’m glad you’re over with because you were rubbish. Please can you never darken my door again? Lots of love, WeeGee

Today I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out what went so badly wrong yesterday. Here’s what I’ve figured out so far:

  • I was tired, under nourished and poorly
  • I was disappointed that I couldn’t see my parents especially because it was my fault because I was unwell
  • I was looking forward to seeing my parents because I was all better and enthusiastic and I wanted them to know they had their daughter back after everything she had put them through
  • I was beginning to feel a bit overwhelmed by online dating
  • As to whether I had disappointed anyone – it occurred that other people’s feelings were nothing to do with me and things always turn out of the best in the end
  • All of those things made me vulnerable and I’m not very good at being vulnerable

When I got up this morning I decided that I wasn’t going to talk to anybody that I didn’t want to. I think I’ve been being a bit too polite about talking to people recently. I think the point I’m making that Mr I’m Very Probably Normal is all well and good but Mr I’m Very Probably Awesome is where I’d rather spend my time. There aren’t very many of them at all, so it isn’t overwhelming and all is well again.

I spent most of today doing AWESOME things like running all the way to Hampton court and then realising I had to run all the way back as well because I’d missed the river boat and there were no trains and then spending a few pretty perfect hours teaching Little Miss Hilarious how to make pom poms* Little Miss Hilarious is awesome because a) she dishes out the best cuddles in the world, b) she takes learning how to make pom poms so seriously that she asks her daddy to write down all the steps for her so she doesn’t forget and c) she gets to the end of her visit and says ‘why are you wearing that outfit? Which was hilarious because I was indeed in strange attire** but adults would be too polite to mention it and what’s wrong with a bit of honesty

As for this evening I shall be watching strictly come dancing. I hope that you thought I am far too cool for that kind of thing and you’d be absolutely right because I only watch it in an ironic way…..

The headline today is that yesterday was little more than a bump in road and I’m back on track again now thank you very much

Huge massive hugs and loads of love to make up for yesterday WeeGee xxxxx

*I think that Mr and Mrs Hilarious could have figured out how to do this themselves and the visit was purely to make sure I wasn’t totally mental. Which is cool

**In my defence, I wasn’t expecting company

Posted in Moving forwards

We’re all doomed

Posted on by WeeGee

Don’t worry, we’re not really. Doomed that is, well at least not as far as I know. To be fair, if we were all doomed I’m pretty sure the powers that be would get in touch with someone important (like the Pope) or wise (like the Dalai Lama)* rather than me….. Moving swiftly on before I get myself into trouble.

All kinds of things ‘hold me back in life’. Some of the things that hold me back feel insurmountable at times and I know I have to hold on tight, work hard and keep my head if I’m ever going to deal with them. And that’s fine. I know what my goals are.

At the same time, some of the things that hold me back aren’t so huge and I know that the answer to overcoming them is entirely in my gift. Like for example, the fact that I’m shy.

There you have it. I’m shy and I lack confidence but (and here’s the thing) that’s not because I’m mental. It’s a simple character trait. Sometimes, when you’re mental it’s too easy to forget that you have a ‘personality’ at all – everything gets bound up with your difficulties whether it belongs there or not.

When my mental tendencies get mixed up with my shyness I start to think that I’M DOOMED. Except of course, I’m not doomed. I’m just a bit** mental and a bit shy.

As I said – I’m working on the mental health stuff but there isn’t a magic wand and I just have to keep plugging away. What I tend not to remember is that I have to work on the shyness stuff too – there isn’t a magic wand for that either, but then again I can at least put my mind to it.

So, in light of that, I spent this afternoon deliberately doing things I don’t like doing because I’m shy. That’s deliberately…. as in, on purpose. I stand by my assertion that this is nothing to do with being mental!

Shyness is, in some ways, a little bit like mental health difficulties: everybody experiences it slightly differently even though it has a common name. For me, the biggest part of my shyness is the ‘fear’ that I will ‘look’ foolish. It’s a bit like anxiety, but not quite… sometimes I get anxious and I know how that feels, but most of the time I’m shy and I know how that feels too.

In order to avoid looking foolish I avoid situations where ‘I don’t know what I’m doing’, or where I feel ‘conspicuous’. This means I hardly ever do anything new. It also means that I don’t do some really simple things that I’m perfectly capable of doing, and for that matter, enjoying.

Here’s what I’ve been up to this afternoon

1. Inviting Mr Friendly to dinner even though I was scared he would think it was a stupid idea and that I would end up feeling foolish.

2. Going into a brand new coffee shop, purchasing a beverage and drinking it there even though I had never been in there before and was scared everyone would look at me because I was on my own.

3. Wandering around the boutique type shops in Surbiton even though I had never been in them before, had no money to buy anything and was scared everyone would think I didn’t belong there.

4. Using the coinstar machine in the supermarket even though I thought I might not be able to work it and that everyone would look at me and think I was a fool.

5. Buying an ice lolly on the way home AND EATING IT IN PUBLIC on my own

It seems like a pretty small list of achievements I guess doesn’t it*** but I don’t care, because I decided I was going out of my comfort zone just because I could if I tried. And I did it. And I had a pretty okay day all things considered.

Lots of bravery and love from WeeGee xx

*Did you see what I did there?!

**Okay – a lot mental

***Oh no, am I feeling foolish now?!

Posted in Moving forwards

Dear Person

Posted on by WeeGee

Dear Person,

You have been there in the background for too long now, and tonight is the night when I say enough is enough. It is time for you to leave me behind and I you.

I suppose you will wonder what has brought this on. The answer, is time. The time that I’ve had to make sense of everything that didn’t make sense until I had time.  Last night you sent me a message and fifteen minutes later you chased it up wondering what on earth could be the matter that I hadn’t responded within fifteen little minutes. Tonight, I guess you are busy, because there has been no message and no chase up and you don’t seem to be interested in what on earth might be the matter.

It always was on your terms – whatever it was. I no longer accept your terms. I’m not here when you’re lonely and gone when you are not. I am here always, such is my way but such is not yours. I have been held back by ‘your terms’. By the words you threw at me – like ‘this might be the biggest mistake I’ve ever made’ or ‘do you want a lodger’ or ‘I’m so unhappy without you’. No more. No more your words and no more your terms. I’m not as vulnerable as you think.

Does this mean I don’t love you? Not at all. That I love you is the deepest, purest and truest thing I ever did or ever will do. Some things just are – they can’t be changed. But what I can change is my presence. I am here for me, in my life, in my world and not for you in your life, in your world when it suits.

I am learning lessons. I don’t suppose you expected that. But then again, I’m not as vulnerable as you think nor indeed as vulnerable as I thought.

Lots of love from WeeGee (being all cryptic but feeling great)