Today I have mostly been staying at home taking care of myself because the past few days have been pretty rotten and when things get rotten WeeGee forgets to take care of herself. I was all up and ready to go when I remembered one of the important lessons I learned during the last bad patch: sometimes you have to stop until you’re ready to start again. Today is about getting myself back on the starting blocks before everything gets out of hand.
Taking care of yourself is quite easy. It’s about being kind to yourself, and letting yourself relax, and reminding yourself that wherever you happen to be is exactly where the future starts because the thing about the future is that it just keeps on coming at you. That there is another one of those valuable lessons that I’ve learned along the way.
Whilst we’re on the subject of lessons I might as well remind myself of this one: if you find yourself vulnerable, and tired, and a little bit hormonal to boot you ABSOLUTELY MUST eat because if you add starving to vulnerable, tired and a little bit hormonal you end up with the perfect storm on your hands and you start behaving like a proper nutter.
I spoke to Mrs Mountain earlier because it felt like the right thing to do even though we’ve got an appointment tomorrow. As always she was wise, and kind and patient and she reminded me that I don’t have to figure it all out by myself, and that maybe this isn’t really about the things I’m making it about and that I’ve been okay before which means it is an absolute certainty that I’m going to be okay again. She also reminded me that receiving a mahoosive gas bill isn’t really the kind of thing that ought to drive you to almost jump out of the window because it’s only money and money is the thing that matters least in life and if you jump out the window all the things that really matter disappear as well.
Anyway I’m on a bit of a mission today – I’ve got lists to write, and things to face up to, and help to ask for. Above all else I’ve got music to listen to, and a cat to cuddle and an awful lot AWESOME stuff to look forward to. I keep thinking about bouncebackability and remembering the WeeGee is like a weeble because it doesn’t matter how much she wobbles she never ever falls down.
Meanwhile in other news Gryff has been a super little cat so far today. Every time I sit down he takes it upon himself to sit with me purring in that simple contented fashion that cats do – it’s as though he’s trying to pass on some of his contentedness to me, and I think it might be working. Nothing else to report today save it’s upwards and onwards once more……
Loads and loads of love, and a bit of Gryff’s contentedness, WeeGee xoxoxox
I’m a bit late with my post tonight because I’ve been really busy being an awesome little alien and stuff like that.
As per my last post, today was The Future Day One which basically meant I had to a) do some things I’ve been putting off, b) face up to some problems I’ve been ignoring and c) get on with all that upwards and onwards, keep on keeping on stuff that I’ve gotten so good at in recent months. Which is exactly what I’ve been doing. I’ve been reminded that when I put my mind to it I can be determined and ever so slightly formidable which really does beg the question – why don’t I put my mind to it more often?
Apart from doing things, and facing up to stuff and keeping on keeping on I have mostly been thinking about social media because I am, after all, a geek and also because tonight was the first night in the AWESOME ‘building a brand using social media’ course that I signed up for at work. I’m already filled full of ideas and theories and thoughts and I can’t wait until next week to find out more.
Meanwhile in other news all is well in WeeGee land. Nothing else to report today save that have you heard this song? It’s AWESOME:
Lots of love and hugs and warm thoughts from WeeGee xoxoxo
It’s quite something to be immortalised, but it’s even more special when you are immortalised by your alien brain twin. I can’t tell you how much this means to me – Sailor: it is you who is gold to the core because you sent this message, and this peace, and this hope today – exactly when I needed it the most. See you on the mother ship xoxoxoxox
Just a quick one from me tonight – I’m afraid I haven’t given it too much thought so it might be a little rough around the edges.
Today I have mostly been having a quiet day to myself: I took the day off work and focused on a) sorting my money out, b) sorting myself out and c) doing stuff that I like doing. I’ve pretty much achieved all three so I think today counts as a rare success.
To be honest I can’t decide whether I feel sad or hopeful today. Is it possible to feel both? I seem to have rediscovered the feeling that I’ll never really know how I feel – which means at worst I can be okay without ever really understanding why, or how I’m okay. Still – okay is okay and I guess I’ll have to take that.
Anyway all of that aside- I wondered if you might do me a little favour and head over to Youtube and ‘like’ this video:
I’ll love you forever if you do……
I leave you tonight with one of my all time favourite songs. It’s a lovely song. You should have a little listen:
So – I had a small wobbly moment yesterday but I’m alright again now. What can I say? Normal service has been resumed…..
When I woke up this morning I decided that I was going to spend the day a) by myself, b) in my own head and c) doing stuff I wanted to do. Here’s what I achieved:
I don’t know if its all better now or not. But I’m not too worried about it anymore because what will be will be.
It’s a bit late for me to be blogging but I can’t sleep – I’m still off work so I slept ’til midday and then I had a small snooze in the afternoon. Now I am chronically awake and wondering what to do with myself….. Blogging seems as good a thing as any!
Well. What to say? I suppose I should start by pointing out that I missed you all. I knew I’d got a bit attached to my blogging buddies but that small gap proved to me that absence really does make the heart grow fonder.
The next thing to say is that WeeGee is officially not depressed anymore and that WeeGee loves not being depressed anymore. There are still a lot of things to take care of, I know that, but its so much easier to deal with stuff when you don’t wish you were dead.
The final thing to say today is that I’m looking forward. I’m looking forward to tomorrow, and this month, and this year and to my life.
I can’t wait to see what happens. Being alive is a tough gig. But it’s absolutely worth it in the end.
I’ve spent the last few days wandering around with a huge black cloud hanging over my head. I was trying to ignore it because it felt too familiar and if I knew only one thing it was that I wasn’t ready to step back into the darkness just yet. And then today I realised that I wasn’t heading back to the doomy gloomies at all….. I was just experiencing a NORMAL fluctuation in mood.
You know what it’s like when you’re mental – if the worse thing in the world were to happen you’d feel exactly the same way as you did before it happened because clinical depression feels like the worst thing in the world is happening to you over and over again and you have no hope of making it stop. I thought that was where I was going for a while there. I kept feeling overwhelmed and pointless and bleak and, above all else, I felt myself sinking. I guess a lot of my readers know that sinking feeling?
I’d just got to the point of thinking ‘why now?’ and ‘why me?’ I was angry with my broken brain because I thought we’d done a fricking deal…. And then I worked out what was going on: HORMONES. And I’m as happy as happy can be now…..
I know girls are supposed to be a bit pissed off about being hormonal and stuff but here’s the thing – I’ve been depressed for my whole adult life and this is THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE EVER that my mood has had something to do with something other than a chemical imbalance in my brain. This, I think, is what normal feels like.
I think I’m supposed to eat chocolate and cry and stuff right about now but I won’t. Do you know what I’m going to do? I’m going to enjoy it, because this is NORMAL BEHAVIOUR – and if that makes you think I’m MENTAL you’d be 100 percent correct.
Here’s a little song that sums me up today (but I’ll be fine tomorrow)
Before I go any further I HAVE to share this song with you because it is GORGEOUS and it’s also the best cover version in the whole world EVER:
BRILLIANT in’t it?
Sorry I didn’t post yesterday. It was Mrs Mountain day and I had an awful lot of thinking to do. Plus I had my (now daily) chit chat with Mr Magic to fit in which was sweet and awesome and a nice way to spend my evening. Mrs Mountain and I spent a lot of time talking about why I had pressed the self-sabotage button and gone a bit weird about food. There wasn’t really a conclusion but the most plausible theory was that I was happy and generally enjoying things but broken brain had decided that I didn’t deserve any of that on account of me being all rubbish and pointless and what not. By the way, project fatten up WeeGee is coming along okay but it’s really hard work and every so often I feel like bursting into tears. I’m ploughing on through it, and I’ve made plans to eat with people for every meal over the weekend because it’s difficult to be weird about eating when you’re eating with people. The only other thing to note is that if I see another sachet of complan in my life I swear to god I’m going to SCREAM.
I’ve been compiling a little list of all the awesome things about Mr Magic and it’s getting quite long now so I thought I would share it:
He is a magician*
He swears more than I do**
He phones me every night just to say hi***
He phoned me first thing this morning just to say hi****
He says brolly instead of umbrella*****
He just comes right out and says what he thinks******
He is best friends with the guitarist from the Real People*******
He understands that WeeGee is vulnerable and a) knows when to back off, b) knows when not to back of and c) has already realised that if you want to bring WeeGee back to herself when she’s having a moment you just have to tell her the truth and then make her laugh********
As for all the awesome things about Mr Grammar Geek? I won’t do a list because I can sum it up in one word: intrigue. He’s interested in all kinds of things I’m not interested in (yet) and that’s very interesting to WeeGee. I also have a sneaking suspicion that he’s hiding in a little bit of a shell and that is also interesting. Oh – and he plays the trumpet. Actually I forgot the best bit: he’s French and I’m pretty confident that he’d sound pretty damn sexy reading my shopping list out loud. Sigh….
What next….. How about a little musical interlude?
That there is the other contender for the best cover version in the whole world EVER. Listen to it all the way through and you’ll think you’re going die of awesomeness when you hear how Frank’s voice cracks with bitterness and spite at the end. I love Frank Turner so much that I’d definitely marry him if he asked even though I don’t really understand why people get married.
Work has been brilliant this week – I’ve been reminded that not only do I love my job I also love the people I work with and I know that means I am a very lucky girl indeed. Here are some of the brilliant things that have happened in the office this week:
I learned that those things surveyors survey stuff with are called ‘theodolites’ which means that I’ll be able to show off and say ‘that’s a theodolite’ the next time I see one
Mrs Bossy told the story of the time a mini tornando went down her street and a child’s sandpit landed in her garden and WeeGee thought if that was my story it would be the first thing I would tell people when I met them
Mrs Bossy told the story of the time her back went when she was naked in the kitchen and WeeGee thought a) if that was my story it would be the last thing I would tell people and b) that she must remember never to go into her kitchen naked again ;-P
Mr Hilarious kept going on about how huge the chocolate cake in the café was so WeeGee went down to see it and when the guy asked her what she would like she was forced to say ‘Nothing, I just came to look at the cake’ and felt like a bit of a chump
WeeGee accidently wrote ‘lots of love’ in a retirement card which disappointed her because it took the edge off some excellent sarcasm
WeeGee accidentally said ‘thanks for that lovely’ at the end of a telephone call with Mr I’m Quite Handsome and everyone in the office teased her so much she actually blushed
WeeGee didn’t tell the rest of the office that Mr I’m Quite Handsome replied ‘No worries sweetheart….. my pleasure’ because she wanted to keep that bit to herself
Today has been one of my favourite Fridays in the world EVER because Project Rubbish is now signed off and officially off my desk and if things start falling over it’ll be nothing to do with me. This made me happy and bouncy and hilarious which was cool but then it rubbed on everyone else and it all got a bit hysterical and WeeGee had to leave the room to compose herself. I’ve reached that point in the day where I’ve written my to do list for next week and don’t want to start anything new but it’s too early to respectfully leave so I’m blogging and gossiping with you instead of gossiping with Mr Hilarious. Speaking of Mr Hilarious – here’s another reason he’s AWESOME: when WeeGee’s purse breaks and she has an emergency super glue required moment he has some emergency super glue at the bottom of one of his drawers.
Meanwhile in other news I am going to the pub after work and intend to eat, drink and be merry. Nothing else to report today save is it nearly wine o’clock yet?
*You don’t have to know very much about WeeGee to understand why that impresses her
**In a comedy fashion – he’s not at all uncouth
***And this doesn’t make me feel at all crowded or overwhelmed which is a good sign
****Because he ‘wanted to wake up with me’ and instead of being a bit creepy it was incredibly sweet
*****My friends laugh at me when I say brolly because it ‘makes me sound like an old person’
******My favourite kind of person because people like that tend not to tell lies
*******I’m guessing I’m one of only a small number of people who will find this impressive
********I don’t actually have an aside for this one but I had to keep up the pattern and I’ve now officially smashed my own blogging asterisk world record
Here’s a warning for you…. You don’t have to listen to The Gaslight Anthem for very long before you find yourself accidentally listening to Bruce Springsteen wondering when you got old enough to listen to Bruce Springsteen. Here’s The Boss singing a song which is even more gorgeous when he sings it even if Patti Smith is one of the coolest people on the planet:
I am pleased to report that I’m over my wobble and I’m not feeling sad anymore – told you the ship would steady itself! I’ve admitted defeat with the whole food thing and went to my GP* to get a referral to a nutritionist because I might not be able to do this by myself and it’s very important that I manage to do it. Mr Wise reminded me that the last time I started getting over a serious case of the flat and empties I went a bit weird about food which is useful to know because if you know the patterns you can head them off at the pass. I’ve lost a considerable amount of weight in a not very considerable amount of time and I’ve dipped back into red on the chart** so there’s a lot of work to be done. But it’s okay, because I’m going to do the work and I’ve promised that I’ll get myself to the supermarket after work to do a hilarious ‘I can eat all this stuff without getting fat’ shop which is an excellent start even if I do say so myself. Pass the peanut butter….
It’s been a while since I did an online dating update, mainly because I’ve been doing some thinking and making a few little promises to myself about attachments and boundaries and now I’ve figured all that stuff out I’m all happy and excited about the whole idea again. I’m currently in touch with two interesting guys – Mr Magic and Mr Grammar Geek. Mr Magic is a magician*** who is a) very kind, b) very wise and c) not very likely to be afraid to argue with WeeGee. Mr Grammar Geek is an academic who a) is absolutely on the same page as WeeGee when it comes to intelligence, b) can out geek WeeGee on the grammar front**** and c) talks a very good cup of tea. There was a Mr Cheeky but he got a bit spooked when he realised I was mental***** and there’s a Mr Brevity who is definitely not very brief and is almost certainly interesting if perhaps a little intense so the jury is still out. Anyway – I’m going on a date with Mr Magic on Sunday which will be good fun and I’m fairly confident that I won’t come over all shy in the company of someone I can speak to on the phone for TWO hours without even thinking about it. I’m also going to meet up with Mr Grammar Geek next week and I just know that we are going to have a perfect cup of tea because neither of us would have it any other way and if it all goes horribly wrong there’s always the split infinitive to fall back on.
Here are a few more of those WeeGee observations from Match.Com
If you tell WeeGee your favourite film is Last Tango in Paris and she ignores you there’s no point repeating the fact because WeeGee isn’t an idiot and is ignoring you on purpose
If the only photo you have of yourself looks like it was taken when you were talking to your lawyer on the phone through a wire grill WeeGee will conclude that it probably was and give you a wide berth
80’s music is cool and everything but if it’s the ONLY thing you listen to you aren’t really a music lover are you?
Meanwhile in other news it is officially winter because WeeGee has had to dig out the winter wardrobe. Nothing else to report today save that I said something unpleasant to The Man Who Knows under my breath but didn’t say it quietly enough and found myself on the back foot trying to think of something that rhymed with f**k……
Loadsa love from WeeGee xxxxx
*I didn’t ever manage two visits in one week when I was PROPER mental
**But only just
***I’ve asked – he can’t magic us all better
****To be fair, I reckon he could out geek me on almost everything apart from maybe Monk
*****Which is fair enough, because it’s not for everyone is it?
It all started with a rather hilarious evening with Mrs Sparkle. Between us we had a super duper girly evening and made every effort possible to put the world to rights. We had a good old chit chat about how different WeeGee is when she’s not off her rocker, and how much of a ginormous arsehole Mrs Sparkles ex husband actually is and how James Arthur is NOT appropriate crush material We also came up with a famed WeeGee list containing the things that WeeGee is, and isn’t looking for in a man:
Things WeeGee is definitely not looking for in a man
Height (I’m quite small enough without people looking down their noses at me thank you very much)
A ridiculous online user name (because a ridiculous online user name is the virtual equivalent of a ‘novelty tie’)
A desire to fix WeeGee (because of that thing I have about being independent)
A desire to ‘need’ WeeGee (because of that same thing I have about being independent)
An unhealthy relationship with a football team (been there, done that – it’s boring)
Things WeeGee is definitely looking for in a man
A kind heart
Hilarious jokes (hilarity in general will suffice)
A healthy dose of cheeky
A fantabulous hug
A small hint of geekiness
He’s out there somewhere, right?
And then I went to bed and discovered that I was having my first major bout of insomnia for as long as I can remember. You forget how rubbish insomnia is way too quickly. It’s piggin’ awful to be awake when the only thing in the world you want to be is ASLEEP. It’s equally awful when you remember that the only thing insomnia is good for is stirring up all the crap that you thought you had left behind. ROAR.
Anyway – the upshot of insomnia is that I’ve been having a hide today. It was only a small hide, and on reflection I think it was long overdue because there were one or two things that I needed to figure out and sometimes you can only figure things out if you pretend the world isn’t actually happening round you…..
I’ve pretty much figured it all out, but for tonight I just wanted to admit that a hide had occurred. Not only that – I have survived it and reached the conclusion that it’s perfectly NORMAL to have a bad day, where you mostly want to keep yourself to yourself and that you can do that without doing a quick recce of the light fittings.
Meanwhile in other news today I heard the best chat up line in the world EVER….. ‘is it acceptable to use a semi-colon after a question mark?’ Be still my beating heart! Nothing else to report today save that I went for a run this morning despite the self imposed running ban and it was pretty damn fine.
How do you eat an elephant? 