I’ve decided that it’s about time I attempted something approaching coherent – I’ve been meaning to write about all kinds of things but thoughts keep getting in the way.
The first thing to say is that over the weekend I reached the rather dizzying heights of…. One hundred* followers here on WordPress. Wow! I thought it was particularly exciting to reach one hundred, because, you know, what’s not to like about a nice neat hundred? The only thing is I thought I got a a badge or something from WordPress but I didn’t. Poor me. Anyway, I can’t quite believe that one hundred human beings have stopped by my blog and decided they had a little bit of interest in reading the nonsense that comes out of my head. Like I said… wow!
The next thing to say is that despite my recent rocky patch I am still ‘functioning well’. Those were my GP’s*** words and I guess I agree insofar as that I continue to cling on and make a reasonable fist of dragging myself through things. I’m not sure that making a reasonable fist of dragging yourself through things ought to be seen as functioning well – it’s more a case of functioning in spite of things surely? Anyhow, I didn’t want to get into another argument with her so I let her have that one. I also didn’t bother respond to the ‘I’m not as discouraged as you are’ comment because I was too busy trying not to poke her in the eye for saying such a ridiculous thing. So I’m depressed and I’m discouraged and you’re not depressed** and you’re not discouraged? Who’d have thunk it? (By the way, I went to see my GP yesterday when I was very angry. About everything. And everybody….)
Needless to say the argument with my GP wasn’t really an argument at all because WeeGee doesn’t do confrontation in the real world**** it was more of a difference of opinion. The GPs opinion was that because I can ‘afford’ to pay for private counselling I should perhaps come off the NHS waiting list for CBT which, by the way, I have been on for twenty weeks now. WeeGee’s opinion was that it wasn’t so much a case of being able to ‘afford’ it as being so terrified of myself that I couldn’t ‘afford’ not to find a way to ‘afford’ it. WeeGee was also of the opinion that the GP seemed to have missed the whole point of the NHS which, as I’ve always understood it, is essentially free treatment at the point of need regardless of your ability to pay (Mini rant about the NHS and how we’re all going to hell in a hand cart what with the Tories and all officially over).
More than anything, I think I’ve hit a wall of frustration. I’m doing everything right, I really am. I’m taking my medication, I’m mindful, I’m eating, I’m exercising and above all else I’m trying very (very) hard. I keep my appointments with my GP, Mr Clever the psychiatrist and my own lovely counsellor Mrs Mountain and I take everything that they say on board*****. I’ve got mood charts, progress charts, lists and self help resources coming out of my ears. I haven’t topped myself yet. I’m doing everything right but none of it is getting any better. Actually it feels like it gets a little worse with every day that passes.
I honestly don’t know what to do next. Is it really just a case of waiting it out? Will it pass in time? Or is the problem that I’m maybe throwing too much at it? Or do I just think I’m doing it right when actually I’m doing it wrong?
Who knows? Answers on the back of a postcard.
Meanwhile in other news I have continued to keep up with the 10,000 step challenge even though I’ve been a bit mental and the Olympic torch passed through Kingston today. I was a little bit underwhelmed by the whole thing but I did enjoy listening to the couple next to me arguing about who was responsible for forgetting to put batteries in the camera. Nothing else to report today save that the sun is shining upon the UK which means I have a sunburnt nose****** and the Breaking Bad obsession in coming along quite nicely thank you very much.
Cheerio, WeeGee xx
*Then it went up to 101, which is less neat but does allow me to say that I have more than 100 followers
**To my knowledge. Perhaps I shouldn’t make assumptions like that – a lot of people probably don’t think I’m depressed either
***AKA Mrs Helpful, but I couldn’t bring myself to call her that today
****I do okay at it when I’m at work but I’m just acting
*****Unless it’s stupid
******When will I learn!
How do you eat an elephant? 
congrats on 101! stupid medical system! i hope you feel better soon, but i know it is way more complicated than just feeling better soon! xo
Thank you 🙂 I’ll be okay. I always seem to bounce right back!
I was on a waiting list for CBT with a psychologist for six months. And that was with two A&E visits. No help in between. I just had to try to hold on. I’m not sure how I did it really. I just tried to remember that even though there were bad days, there are some good days and held onto the thought that the emotions can change.
I can’t believe she suggested going private though. It pisses me off that mental health treatment under the NHS is so fecking slow!! xox
Oh well. I guess that means I’ve only got a few weeks more to go?!
It annoys me that because of my ‘medical history’ I get an immediate referral to a psychiatrist but have to wait for something helpful like CBT. It’s like mental health services are all back to front. I need strategies not a diagnosis – I’m mixed up, what else is there to say?
It also pisses me off that they get away with such long waiting times for mental health treatment because they out-source it all so it’s nothing to do with the NHS. Roar.
🙂
WeeGee xx
I’m with you, double ROAR!! xox
I’ve gotten mad at my doctor and she yelled back at me. I was terrified in a bad way because I felt she had no right to yell at me. I employ her, even if I am on the free care system she still gets paid by the state and she should treat me with dignity. I wanted to walk out of there but having on one of those stupid gowns and being half naked makes it hard to make a dignified exit, so I had to stay and listen. Life really sucks when that happens and then she did it again to me….it’s getting to be a habit. Do you think they use us because we’re more vulnerable? My therapist yells at me too. Is this tough love or something? I don’t understand!
Dot
Woah. I don’t think a medical professional has ever shouted at me and I definitely wouldn’t understand if they did. My doctor is usually very good – it was probably my mood yesterday that made things a bit tetchy…
WeeGee xx
That GP sounds like … well … a bit of a …. um …. wally? And nearly a wally with one less eye x
Oh – she’s usually pretty good. It was probably my angry mood yesterday! But, if I’m angry and you’re a wally I think you should prepare to lose an eye. 😛
Ah Kingston, where I ate my first ever take-away pizza in about 1965. As for the NHS, well the days of it being free for those who can afford to pay something are about to end! Has to happen unless we can find some more oil mines somewhere. PS. Congrats and envy in equal measure!
The thing is – I can’t afford to pay in the sense that I’m just lucky to have a counsellor who I first came across at work (free service) who took pity on me and offered me really reasonable prices whist I waited for CBT after my free sessions ran out. I am actually perpetually skint 🙂
You can always get some adverts onto your blog to earn a couple of pennies a year!
It will pass. I think you know it will. You’ve been down before and it has passed – as you said, you’re doing everything right. You just have to wait it out.
Andddddddddddd
Congrats on 100+ followers. I can make you a badge, but am going to tell you a joke instead. Ready? This is my best joke –
“The last time it was this windy the Banks’ family was interviewing nannies.”
context: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5BHoDW9f7vY&feature=youtu.be&t=1m14s
[Of course, it must actually be windy outside for the joke to work…and it’s not that funny]
It is a little bit funny if you grew up on a diet of Mary Poppins and The Sound of Music!
I also think I know it will. Here’s to yet more ‘hanging on in there’ My favourite pastime! xx
101 followers wowwee weegee thats a great achievement!!! I cant afford a postcard so my answers are here for you. Yes in time it will pass once you start thinking positive not negative. Maybe you are overthinking it and throwing too much into it but thats just something we all do. There is no right or wrong there is just “our way” which is unique to all of us.
One question for you though, please answer carefully – can I have more pie? or at least a cauldron of nutella so i can dive right in and eat till my sides explode 😀
As always if you ever want a chat you know where to find me! ❤
A giant cauldron of nutella? I’ll see what I can do if you promise to share 🙂
WeeGee
PS – you are a sweetie x
i may have a tea spoon you can borrow but sorry the ladles are all mine!!! (insert evil laugh here)