I’ve been in a thoughtful mood of late – the thing about being mental is that you’re not really supposed to ‘think’. When a thought comes in you have to decide what to do with it, and if you can’t figure that out you have to tell yourself its only a thought and then stick it on a shelf (or in a box) for another day. Sometimes I wonder if all that thinking about thinking is more exhausting than the thinking itself.
I’ve mostly been trying to figure out where crazy stops and WeeGee starts because so much of the worst of me is really just an extreme version of the best of me. I’m beginning to wonder if I would still be crazy even if I wasn’t crazy.
At the heart of all the thinking is this notion that I have – you can only be who you are. Sometimes, I withdraw from therapists because I start to get the distinct impression that what we are really working on is making me into a different person. Sure I want to get better, but I really don’t want to find yet another person that I have to somehow pretend to be. I want to work out who I was to start with and then get on with being me.
It’s a bit of a standing joke that, at thirty two years old, I still haven’t figured out what I want to be when I grow up. In some ways, it is kind of funny because I’m transient to say the least. I keep heading back to University to qualify myself for yet another profession that I won’t quite pursue in the end; I take up new hobbies as regularly as I give up on them; I would change my hair colour like the weather if I didn’t have the kind of proper job that ruled it out. In other ways, it isn’t funny at all, because I don’t think anybody realises that I’m still trying to work out who I am and the person that they know is mostly make believe. As an aside – growing up is over-rated, no?
This is a short post, and I’ve no idea whether it will make sense outside of my head. There are some things in life that you just assume everybody knows, until one day it becomes painfully obvious that isn’t the case and that you’ve been wrong all along. I suspect feeling like a make believe person is one of them, but then quite a few nutters read my blog, so you never can tell!
Love, WeeGee xx
How do you eat an elephant? 
Dear Weegee,
Don’t know if this will make you laugh or cry, but I’m 43 and just barely figuring it out, scratching the surface. It IS exhausting all the thinking about thinking, takes up too much time, energy & space in my head. At least we’re capable of thought & utilizing that ability, yeah?
Glad I found yor blog, thanks to Mirth of Despair.
Blessings,
Kina
Dear Kina,
Thanks for stopping by. I think I’ve worked out what I want to be when I grow up now…. I just want to be normal 🙂
Love WeeGee xx
Ha ha nutters. This totally made sense by the way. I think everyone else is nuts and we are the normal ones. xox
Sometimes I worry about saying things like that in case anyone gets all offended – I mean it in a funny way so glad it made you laugh 😀
If they get offended then they should find another blog to read I guess. With all the horror that goes on in our brains, I think we are allowed to laugh at it when we can 🙂 xox
That’s actually what I worry about in therapy, too. I fear that changing my thinking patterns makes me a different person, but I want to be who I am, naturally. Then again, people do gradually change over time, and I guess if you’re on board for something, it’s not really not you (if that makes any sense).
It makes perfect sense actually. Thanks lovely xx
First off your not crazy. I hope your are being sarcastic or the sake of comedy, which I can appreciate, but you are not crazy. Be kind to yourself!!
Secondly I am right there with you on the growing up thing. 35 years old and not the first clue what the hell I want to do when I grow up or even if I want to grow up. Two college degrees and part way through a third program which would not be a new degree, but lead a certification allowing me into another profession. I have had to stop that because the realities of parenthood and this shitbox economy making it too expensive. I just get bored. I need new stimulation and challenges in my life. It doesn’t help that my “condition” has effectively taken away my two best and most loved professional opportunities. It is certainly a family joke.
I’m just joking with the crazy comment. It’s kind of a coping mechanism on my part. Some of my friends don’t like it much. xx
im 33 had more jobs than frank spencer and have no idea what I want to do either, well actually i want to be a lottery winner but thats not gonna happen until i can find £1 to buy a ticket 🙂
I’ll lend you a quid if I get it back plus half your winnings 😉
let me get legal advice first 🙂
Love to you WeeGee. Your spectacular and that will never change x
I don’t know about spectacular, but I’ll take the love 🙂