Tag: Recovery

Posted in Moving forwards

Not quite a normal post

Posted on by WeeGee

Since I last posted I have mostly been being back at work. After a VERY long time off…..

I think it’s fair to say that going back to work after the christmas break is tough for most people. For me it was only tough insofar as that I had to do sensible stuff like blow dry my hair, and put make-up on, and wear clothes that weren’t designed to be worn in bed. Apart from practical things like that WeeGee was completely and utterly DELIGHTED to go back to work because WeeGee was starting to miss her routine. And you know how WeeGee loves a spot of routine…….

Anyway – this is my second post of the new year and therefore the second post of Mission Blog 2014. It occurs to me that there are one or two things I need to take care of before I get back to regular blogging…. you know, like points of order, and the back story, and stuff like that.

The points of order section:

How do you eat an elephant?

I’m not going to lie to you. I’ve had a long hard think about the future of my blog. In some ways it didn’t feel fitting to carry on with it anymore and for a while there I thought about starting up again, somewhere new and anonymous. I’d shared my blog pretty widely, real people knew about it, and WeeGee wasn’t really WeeGee anymore. I wondered if I’d lost my hidey hole……

But I’m still here, and so is my blog because I decided that I’ve always viewed this as a journey, even in my very first post. I guess I’m just going to have to keep on going, on this journey, in this space. It wouldn’t make sense if I did it any other way……

How am I going to do this?

I’m not going to be blogging like I used to, you know, like hundreds of words every day. I can’t fit it in anymore because Real Life came along and intervened. The plan, as it stands, (and it might change) is to blog three times a week and to read blogs twice a week. I know it doesn’t sound like much but it’s all I’ve got….

New year, new blog.

Just a little word of warning, in case you’re in the habit of rambling around the various pages on my site….. For the next few weeks I’m going to be updating stuff so things might not be where you thought it would be – I’m hoping you’ll bear with me. If you’re not in the habit of rambling around the various pages on my site you can ignore this bit by the way.

The end of the points of order section.

The back story:

In some ways the back story is a straightforward, uncomplicated, as old as time, girl meets boy type of story. WeeGee met this guy, and fell head over heels, and it changed EVERYTHING. I suppose it sounds quite unremarkable when you put it like that. I mean what’s new? WeeGee meets a special person, and takes them to her heart, like she always does…….

The thing is, it is new, and it is remarkable because it isn’t really just girl meets boy – it’s WeeGee meets somebody she trusts; it’s WeeGee meets someone and thinks ‘he can bring as much to my life as I can bring to his’; it’s WeeGee meets someone and isn’t so preoccupied with the ending that she brings things to an end prematurely. I suppose what really happened was something good AND I’M LETTING IT HAPPEN.

Mr Awesome Thing Number Five has brought all kinds of things to my life and you know what, when I gave him his name I was spot on because he truly is awesome. He’s kind, and sweet, and patient, and he’s got these gorgeous dimples going on, and Gryff has decided he’s going to tolerate him, and he adores me. Which is just as well, because I adore him too.

I can’t really remember a time when I felt so much like myself, and in a large part, I have Mr Awesome Thing number five to thank for that. It’s not that he fixed me, or that he made me me again. It’s more that he helped me find that last little bit of confidence and strength I needed to get to where I needed to be.

I’m well aware that everything is sounding a bit peachy, and I don’t really mean to paint it that way. It took me a long time to find trust, and to make space, and to figure things out. Right now things are good but I know that I’m capable of trusting more deeply, and making more space, and figuring more stuff out. I think I’ve decided that I’m not one for resting on my laurels so as always it’s upwards and onwards for WeeGee…..

So there you have it: the points of order and the back story. I guess that means my next post will be a ‘normal’ post. Whatever on earth normal means anyway…….

Love you all lots like jelly tots xoxox

Posted in Some thoughts about my journey

Birthday blues

Posted on by WeeGee

Before I get to today’s update I have a couple of those points of order that pop up every so often to take care of…..

Point of order number one: I officially suck at reading blogs at the moment and I’m sorry about that. I love you all lots, and I miss you more, but my time is all filled up with grown up ‘need to do’ stuff and reading your blogs has fallen down towards the bottom of the pile. I promise I’ll be back shortly but in the meantime will you forgive me?

Point of order number two: Does everybody know that ‘How do you eat an elephant?’ has a Facebook page? No? Well it does. You can find it here:

https://www.facebook.com/HungryElephant

I’m one follower short of 30, and apparently when you get to 30 magic things start happening…… Go on – it will surely improve your life ☺

The End of the point of order section.

Since I last blogged I’ve been a busy little WeeGee. I’ve been getting myself all sorted out, and organised and back on track. I’ve also been having one of my (fairly extended) little thinks. After all, what would the WeeGee be without one of her little thinks?

In five days time I’m going to be having a birthday. Having a birthday shouldn’t be a big deal because everybody has one, like once a year and stuff, but it feels like a pretty big deal to me right now. I spent my last birthday hiding in my little hidey hole*, pacing about, and being TOTALLY MENTAL before doing myself a small mischief and presenting myself at A&E because I didn’t have anywhere else to go. It was whatever the opposite of tremendous fun is.

Birthdays bring out The Dreaded Jitters in me. I don’t really know why, except that maybe it’s the one day of the year when people seem to want you to be the centre of attention which actually only really means that they want you to be ‘happy’ even if you don’t feel much like being happy. Maybe I don’t like the ‘expectations’ that are associated with birthdays? Maybe I’ve had enough miserable birthdays to last me a lifetime? Maybe this is just WeeGee being an idiot and it’s about time she POKED HERSELF IN THE EYE?

If I shut out the anxiety** my upcoming birthday is looking pretty peachy. I’ve got a few days away with Mr Awesome Thing Number Five to look forward to. AND I’m going to spend a morning feeding some penguins***. AND mum and dad are coming to visit. AND I’m off work. AND I’ve got a very exciting new birthday handbag.

It’s all a bit ‘what’s not to like’ and I really wish I could shake this weird ‘I don’t like birthdays because they make me a bit mental’ thing. But hey – you know me and my brain. It doesn’t always make sense…..

Aside from all that WeeGee is doing pretty good. I’ve got a fantabulous ‘how far I’ve come’ post lined up for you but I’m going to take my time writing it because it’s an important one.

Meanwhile in other news here’s a lovely little Frank Turner song for you. I might have shared it before but what’s a bit of repetition amongst friends?

Nothing else to report today save that I love you all loads and loads like……. Roman roads???

WeeGee xoxox

*Rhio – TOTALLY tongue in cheek xoxox
** Just like that!
***Which is AS COOL AS PENGUINS

Posted in Welcome to my world

Float on….

Posted on by WeeGee

Do you know what I’ve got today? I’ve got no patience. As in none whatsoever. As in World Shut Your Mouth. As in can WeeGee just be left in peace and quiet hiding in her little hidey hole pretending that the world doesn’t exist? By the way, if the answer to that question turns out to be no there’s going to be an awful lot of swearing in WeeGee land and one or two (or three) idiots might get poked in the eye. Why is there never a shortage of idiots? Will it ever be socially acceptable to poke an idiot in the eye? More to the point could I poke an idiot in the eye and blame it on the fact I’m mental AND I’ve got no patience today?

Notwithstanding the lack of patience and the prevalence of idiots I’ve actually been having a nice little think since I last blogged. I’ve been thinking about all kinds of things like how you probably have to get to know me really well before you realise that my intensity is really only an exaggeration of something far more sensible. And about how I promised myself that I wasn’t going to cling on to things that make me feel small, or insignificant, or unhappy. And about how the story doesn’t end until you’re dead. And about how I hope it’s a very long time before I wind up dead. And about how I always loved stories anyway…..

Before we go any further we should probably have a song because I’ve got a couple for you today and I don’t want to have to squeeze them all in at the end. This one is a funny one, in that it’s very old and it isn’t really up my usual street but it makes me happy when I hear it. I don’t know why it lifts my heart –I’d guess that it was some kind of long forgotten positive association if it hadn’t been in the charts when WeeGee was kicking about with Mr Fylde, or rather when WeeGee was getting kicked about by Mr Fylde* so there wasn’t a lot of positive stuff going on at the time. Anyway – after a very long and perhaps unnecessary introduction here is a song that lifts WeeGee’s heart for no apparent reason:

Did it make you smile too? Anyway – back to my nice little think…..

A lot of my nice little think has been about how so much of life turns on being in the right place at the right time, or the wrong place at the wrong time, or the right place at the wrong time, or the wrong place at the right time. I suppose it’s been making me sad because if you don’t believe in fate, or destiny or stuff like that the chances of the right place and time colliding start to feel like a billion to one shot and that makes me think maybe it’ll always feel a little bit wrong and I don’t like that thought very much. But it doesn’t matter if it’s sad, because it just makes sense. Ho Hum.

On a more positive note my little think has led me to conclude that it’s time I started thinking about letting Mr X start fall out of my head: the less you think about someone the less you think about them if you see what I mean. On the one hand, I’m aware that no one ever completely falls out of WeeGee’s head which means Mr X will probably pop up being all nice and easy and making me wonder ‘what if’ from time to time. On the other hand I’ve come to learn that there are far worse things in life than ‘what if’. On which note, here’s another song. It’s one of my favourites, because it makes me think about the way how tomorrow keeps coming, and how life rolls on regardless:

Meanwhile in other news I recently discovered that if your best friend talks you into logging back into an online dating site ‘to see what’s going on’ and you do and find yourself ruling perfectly nice looking people out on account of such ridiculous criteria as

• Lives in Shoreditch
• Is wearing a hat
• Wouldn’t suit pink**
• Looks like he’d wear sunglasses indoors
• Thinks Coldplay counts as music***
• Looks a bit like Mr Friendly which means he also looks a bit like Mr X which means I really can’t be bothered with that

there was no point in your best friend talking you into logging back into an online dating site because you are clearly not at all interested in what’s going on. Nothing else to report save that we might as well end with a song, because it’s traditional and because it’s AWESOME:

That’s all from me. I’m still thinking. And still getting there. And still learning lessons every step of the way.

Love you all lots and lots and lots, WeeGee xoxoxoxox

*I know that seems a bit flippant. I’m allowed to be because it’s my story
**Suiting pink is an important criteria in WeeGee land
***This one isn’t really ridiculous

Posted in Welcome to my world

Get me away from here I’m dying

Posted on by WeeGee

Today I have mostly been having one of my little thinks because it seemed as good a time as any for me to have one of my little thinks. I do so love my little thinks – they’re a bit like Belle and Sebastian in that they always make everything feel better:

http://youtu.be/yS_DcqPkEYM

I’ve been thinking about what comes next for WeeGee because if the past year has been about finding myself, I suppose the next year should be about deciding what to do with the self I’ve managed to find. Getting better is about steadiness and regiment and routine. Staying better is about letting go of those things so that life can intervene.

If I hadn’t been so poorly I’d probably have done all kinds of things by now but there’s no use crying over spilt milk. The fact remains that I was poorly and you can’t do all kinds of things when you’re poorly. Here’s the thing: I’m not poorly any more…..

So what is next? A new challenge in my career is definitely on the cards. I love my job, but I’m too firmly in my comfort zone and I’m capable of an awful lot more. Maybe it’s about time I gave in and surrendered to my love for the law….. Maybe it’s time I started earning the spondoolies my brain is capable of earning for me?

There’re also one or two creative projects that deserve my attention. A brand new foodie blog for a start, not to mention the book. I don’t think you get to be an English graduate without having a book in your heart but it takes a bit of effort to make it happen. Thing is, I’m not short of effort.

Finally there’s where I’m going to live, and the places I’m going to see. I don’t think I want to live in London anymore. It’s not my city, and I never belonged here and I need to find a new home. As for the places I need to see? Lets have Florence and San Francisco to get us started. The world is my lobster.

I’ve made a lot of peace during my little think. Peace with my friends, and peace with my heart. It always turns out well in the end because if its not well it hasn’t ended yet.

I want to end by taking my hat off to Mr Friendly – the most brilliant human being that ever there was. I wish I could bottle him up, and share him around because Mr Friendly is exactly what the mental people need. He’s as close as you ever get to the shore because he’s the only person who’ll take the time to get to know how the only thing you need is news quiz. Or rather he’s the only person with the patience to let you be, no matter who you happen to be.

Cheerio xoxoxo

Posted in Recovery?

Hope is important: an update

Posted on by WeeGee

I’ve written this post in my head about a million times over the past few months, but every time I sit down to write it I end up writing a different one instead. I’m not sure why – maybe I wanted to be circumspect for a change, or maybe I was worried that in writing the post I’d tempt fate, and jinx things, and somehow mess everything up. As is my way. Except, of course, that isn’t ‘my way’ at all. It’s a ridiculous conflation of past events that have no bearing on the here and now whatsoever.

When you start to remember to leave the past behind the future starts to feel a whole lot brighter……

I’ve been thinking about journeys again, insofar as that life is a only a journey and the only thing that anybody truly hopes for is not to reach the destination until they are very old, and they’ve done all the things, and been all the places, and read all the books, and met all the people they were supposed to.

As for my journey so far? Well, it hasn’t exactly been a happy journey but I’m content with that. Maybe I had to lead myself in and out and back into the wilderness so that I could get to this point – feeling confident that the next time the wilderness starts to beckon my brain is going to have all the ammunition it needs to save me. That’s what a lifetime being mental is all about – finally learning how to save yourself.

You probably think Mr Wise got his name because he’s wise which is only a little bit true because Mr Wise is wise in a very special way. Not many people have the kind of wisdom he does because not many people spend years of their lives battling their demons so that they can learn how to save themselves. As you know, Mr Wise saved me at least three billion squillion times. What I’ve never told you is that every single time he did he told me that one day I would learn how to save myself. I didn’t tell you because I wasn’t ready to believe him. But he was right.

Life is going to throw all kinds of stuff at me and my brain, I know that. What I also know is that I’m going to take it on the chin, keep an eye on my priorities and survive it. I’m not going to sweat the small stuff anymore, because I figured out what matters and how to keep it so that it always matters so much more than the small stuff.

I’m not so naive that I think I’ll never have a grey day again, and I’ll tell you what, I truly hope that my AWESOME days aren’t over with just yet. But I’ve found insight and perspective and I don’t plan on letting go. If you’re an ex smoker you might understand because there comes a point in the quitting process when you know in your heart that you’ve done it. I feel a bit like that about jumping off tall things, and hiding in bed for weeks, and starving myself to death, and carving my limbs up just because I can. I’m never going to have to do any of that again.

At this point in my journey I know that I matter just as much as other people. I know that an emotional attachment isn’t a bad thing. I know that taking a risk isn’t the same as being reckless. I know that I’m always going to be a bit vulnerable. I know that I’m always going to be strong. I know that nobody lets you down on purpose. I know that feelings grow but never ought to consume you. I know that I’m the only person who can hold myself together and save me. The last one is a big one because I wasted so much time thinking someone else would come to my rescue instead of getting stuck in and taking care of myself.

I also know something I knew all along, the one thing I never lost sight of, or let go of: Hope Is Important. Hope is what carries your heart when it’s too heavy for you to bear anymore.

I’m going to hold on to hope and that way I’ll always be able to save myself.

Love, WeeGee xoxoxo

Posted in Recovery?

Being without feeling

Posted on by WeeGee

This is the news: WeeGee is happy. As in happy, and she knows it, and she really wants to show it. Clap, clap…….

The thing about being depressed is that you’re constantly aware that you’re depressed. Depression is always there, casting it’s long shadow, and controlling every little thing that you do. The thing about being happy is that you hardly notice it save for in those moments when it all comes together and the little smile you’re carrying about in your heart turns up on your face without you even meaning it to.

I used to think (or at least I thought for a long time) that happiness was about nothing more than moments and that the best you could ever hope for was ‘being without feeling’ punctuated by a few moments of ‘happy’ and even more moments of ‘sad’. It occurred to me today that I only thought that because I was depressed. Depression kills hope – that’s how it works, how it keeps hold of you for so long, how it takes over your life.

Now I know that happiness is about more than a few random moments in life – happiness exists in the moments you remember you’re happy the rest of the time. Happiness is what happens when the chinks of light get through so hope can grow. Happiness is safe, and warm, and content even when sad creeps in – it’s what helps you chase the sad away.

Happiness is being without having to worry about feeling.

I could lose myself trying to figure out where happy came from – it could be this thing, or that thing; or person x, or person y. Christ it might just be the happy pills. But what if (and this, I think is the likeliest) it’s about everything coming together and fighting a path back to my tired black heart so the sunshine can find it’s way through again? It’s pretty AWESOME when you come to think about it.

I leave you tonight with a sad little song, maybe the saddest song I’ve ever heard. The moral of the story? WeeGee is always going to love a sad song no matter how happy she is. Which is really just to say that she always comes back to herself in the end.

Love you lots and lots xoxoxo

Posted in About today

Tough gig

Posted on by WeeGee

Evening everyone!

It’s a bit late for me to be blogging but I can’t sleep – I’m still off work so I slept ’til midday and then I had a small snooze in the afternoon. Now I am chronically awake and wondering what to do with myself….. Blogging seems as good a thing as any!

Well. What to say? I suppose I should start by pointing out that I missed you all. I knew I’d got a bit attached to my blogging buddies but that small gap proved to me that absence really does make the heart grow fonder.

The next thing to say is that WeeGee is officially not depressed anymore and that WeeGee loves not being depressed anymore. There are still a lot of things to take care of, I know that, but its so much easier to deal with stuff when you don’t wish you were dead.

The final thing to say today is that I’m looking forward. I’m looking forward to tomorrow, and this month, and this year and to my life.

I can’t wait to see what happens. Being alive is a tough gig. But it’s absolutely worth it in the end.

Lots of love from WeeGee xoxoxox

Posted in Reasons to be cheerful

Leaps and bounds

Posted on by WeeGee

I went to see my GP before work this morning and it’s official: I am ‘coming on in leaps and bounds’. How EXCITING is that?! Unfortunately, my excitement was slightly tempered when I arrived at work and Mr Hilarious said ‘what have you done to your hair – it looks like you’ve got a comb over?’ and I had to spend ages wandering around to see if anybody had any hair straighteners because I did indeed look like I had a comb over……

Anyway – This is just a short post to let you know I’ve decided that I quite like coming on in leaps and bounds. It’s nice getting to know yourself again after all that time in hiding; it’s nice getting up and going about the days without once wishing you were dead; it’s nice taking care of yourself without having to even think about doing it; most of all it’s nice to laugh naturally in response to something funny instead of forcing yourself to join in because ‘laughing is what the normal people do’.

I’m still trying to be gentle with myself and keep up my routines and thinking tricks because I’m not taking any risks at this point. Plus, every so often a mental thought pops up and I act on it and I know I need to work on that. Most of the mental thoughts involve WeeGee getting a bit scared when she remembers people always hurt you in the end* and responding by pulling away and closing the boundaries down. That’s rubbish for me and rubbish for the people close to me because they think everything is swimming along nicely so end up feeling confused. I’m also conscious that thoughts of food are louder than they’ve been for quite a long time. I’ve responded by making new meal plans and banning myself from running until the thoughts have gone away. The main thing is I have responded – and that’s one of the reasons I know I’m coming on in leaps and bounds.

Lots of love from WeeGee xoxoxoxox

*Which isn’t actually true. Some people have hurt me in the past, but people might not hurt me in the future