Eating disorders – Page 7 – How do you eat an elephant?

The wide awake club

Posted on April 8, 2013April 8, 2013 by WeeGee

I suppose I should start by filling you in on the background. The background is this: it is presently four thirty in the morning and I’ve been awake since a little after one. In the time that has intervened I have mostly been crying. You’ve probably figured out that I’m somewhat prone to crying by now, but three and a half hours worth of crying is quite something even by the WeeGee’s standards. Anyway, I’m a little bored of the non stop crying now, not least because it has given me a rather spectacular headache.

I started crying when I realised that I was so lost in all the thoughts and feelings swimming around in my head that I couldn’t tell which were the thoughts and which were the feelings anymore. I’m all mixed up and it occurs that the only person who ever managed to make my jumbly messes go away is so far away right now that it might as well be a different planet. But that’s a whole ‘nother story……

Anyway. The point is this: nobody is going to pick me up, hold me tight, and stay with me until the world goes away which means that it’s time for WeeGee to start fighting again even though WeeGee doesn’t feel much like fighting because she’d rather just cry in spite of her spectacular headache.

Every so often I think I’ve made it to the shore – it’s safe and it’s solid and I like it there but just as I get used to the ground beneath my feet I’m cut adrift to sail the stormy seas once more.

A while ago I wrote that I felt like my heart had turned to stone. I wish I could feel like that now because my heart is big and heavy again and I think it might be too much for me to bear. I’m alone and frightened because I did what I always do – I hoped. I hoped that I was better, that I’d finally turned the lights back on, that I wouldn’t have to sit in the dark ever again.

I try to tell myself that hope is important, but I don’t really believe it because I’ve done a lot of hoping in my life and it never got me anywhere but here – sailing alone on dark and stormy seas with thoughts that might be feelings and feelings that might be thoughts jumbling around in my broken brain. And the words ‘but I love you’ ringing in my ears.

Love WeeGee McWideAwake xoxoxox

About today

That joke isn’t funny anymore

Posted on April 4, 2013 by WeeGee

I knew that today was going to be complete and utter crapola when I discovered a small hole in my tube of betnovate* – if ever there was a sign from above, that there is it.

To be honest, I’ve been waiting for today to come around for a while now because I’ve been a bit preoccupied and overwhelmed and worried and when I get a bit preoccupied and overwhelmed and worried I know that its only a matter of time before a mild case of the flat and empties strikes. Looking on the bright side, I’ve at least got to a point where the flat and empties no longer strike without prior notice…..

There’s nothing the matter with me that a little think won’t sort out – I know that, but I’m tired of my little thinks and facing up to things and talking about stuff. The only thing I really want to do today is pretend that the world isn’t happening around me, mainly because I don’t feel much like I’m part of the world and why would I want to acknowledge some place that I don’t belong in anyway?

Oh {insert a swear word of your choosing here}

It was Mrs Mountain day today and, given my mood, I’m not entirely sure that was a good thing because I feel like I might have wasted Mrs Mountain’s time as well as my own and I do so hate wasting time especially when I’m paying for the privilege of experiencing the time in question. On which note, it occurs that I don’t suppose Mrs Mountain much minds that I wasted her time, which makes me feel a little better about the whole thing.

There was an awful lot of stuff I needed to discuss with Mrs Mountain today – in fact my list for today was probably one of the longest lists I’ve ever had but when I finally got to New Malden** none of it mattered anymore because I’d slipped into ‘nothing matters so what’s the point?’ mode which isn’t an ideal mode to be in on Mrs Mountain day.

Pfft.

Here is a list of the important questions that I didn’t but should have discussed with Mrs Mountain today:

Why does someone wanting to ‘look after’ WeeGee scare the living daylights out of her when actually it’s a lovely thing to want to do and WeeGee ought to feel blessed that somebody might want to do it for her?

Why do so many people think that WeeGee falls in love ‘too easily’ when actually it’s the hardest thing in the world for her to do?

Why does WeeGee feel like there’s a blackness in her heart even when she is, to all intents and purposes, happy?

What do people really see when they see WeeGee?

Why can’t WeeGee shake off the feeling that she is neither a real or proper person even though her logical brain knows that she is obviously real and mostly proper***

Confusing stuff isn’t it? And that isn’t even the full list…… I sooooo need a lift to planet mental.

Double pfft.

Anyway. I’m not sure there’s a point to today’s post which is just fine and dandy because there isn’t much of a point to anything and why should my blog be any different anyway. I’ll doubtless be back tomorrow, bouncing off the walls and being all AWESOME and stuff but for today I’m quiet, and grey, and full of the flat and empties but not like I used to be because I just want to make dinner and watch rubbish telly and wait for tomorrow instead of starving myself, hiding and then jumping off a tall thing so that tomorrow never comes.

I guess that goes down as progress…..

I leave you today with a little song that speaks to me today:

http://youtu.be/ExzOvcvO57c

Love in spite of a hint of the doomy gloomies from WeeGee xoxoxox

*only fellow betnovate users will understand this one – it’s hard enough to get betnovate out of the tube without factoring in a hole in the bloomin’ tube. ROAR
**after considerable transport chaos. ROAR
***I suppose how ‘proper’ I am depends on your take on morals and stuff…..

Moving forwards

I’m fine. So there….

Posted on April 2, 2013 by WeeGee

Today I have mostly been being a happy little soul because I don’t have a single reason to be anything else. Perhaps that isn’t entirely true because not everything is perfect and I’m sure I could find something to be miserable and overwhelmed about if I put my mind to it. The thing is I’ve decided that from here on WeeGee is going to stop putting her mind to being miserable and overwhelmed and concentrate on being AWESOME instead. It’s much better fun being alive when you’re too busy being AWESOME to be miserable and overwhelmed….

I made an important discovery this past week – it turns out if you stop worrying, and fretting, and being all miserable and overwhelmed you start to find the courage to face up to the things that are making you feel that way. This is important because when you start facing up to things, and taking action, and being positive about the negatives you eventually find that you’re dealing with the negatives in a sensible and coherent way. I guess if you keep that up for long enough you eventually get to a point where you’ve completely run out of negatives (although I suspect that one or two new negatives might pop up along the way because that’s just the way things works). I wonder if this way of looking at things is what they call ‘coping’? I really hope so, because if you look back through the history of WeeGee and her problems they have manifested themselves in all kinds of different ways but they’ve always come down to the same thing: WeeGee struggles to cope with being alive.

At the moment being alive feels pretty fine and dandy to me. I don’t really mind that people can be confusing and cruel or that the Big Wide World doesn’t always make sense because I’m happy to concentrate on My Little World and the honest and kind people I’ve spent a long time surrounding myself with. I don’t care that work is stressful or that I’m a bit on the skint side because work won’t be stressful for ever and I won’t always be skint – all things must pass. It doesn’t matter that sad things happen and then live in your heart for a very long time because if you never felt sad you wouldn’t appreciate how AWESOME it is when you feel happy. It doesn’t even matter that I’ve got a nuclear case of psoriasis going on because psoriasis really isn’t the kind of thing that ought to matter regardless of how nuclear it is.

This time last week I was feeling a bit mixed up and unsure and now I’m feeling completely together and certain and (how AWESOME is this?) it was little old me who got myself from one feeling to the other. Sure, I wobbled about all over the place for a little while but then I stopped wobbling, had a little think about what all the fuss was about, and then everything was okay again because the fuss was about nothing that matters. The fuss was about wonky expectations, and taking what people say to heart and not trusting myself to make my own choices just in case they went wrong and I couldn’t cope and went mental again. Those aren’t things that I’m prepared to base my decisions on anymore.

I have to trust how I feel and what I think and what I want because that’s what I’ve been working towards for all this time – WeeGee in the driving seat and in charge of her life and emotions just like a normal person. I also have to trust people and let them to get close because that’s the only way I’ll ever disprove the ridiculous theory that everybody lets you down and leaves in the end. Above all else I have to trust in the person that WeeGee is. If that means that I wear my heart on my sleeve, or care too much, or accept too easily or be too kind or whatever else it is that people say I do – so be it.

I know I wear my heart on my sleeve, that I care about people, and accept who and what they are, and that I’m kind – always and to everybody. What can I say? I can only ever be the me I’m supposed to be and besides – how is any of that a bad thing anyway?

So there.

Loadsa love from WeeGee McHappyLittleSoul xoxoxox

PS – It’s been ages since we’ve had a ‘meanwhile in other news’ or any asterisks isn’t it? Happen I’ll have to put that right sometime soon xoxoxox

About today

Wrong frame of mind

Posted on March 27, 2013March 27, 2013 by WeeGee

I’ve spent most of today being in the ‘wrong frame of mind’ – at least according to Mr Hilarious’ analysis. I’m not sure what I’m in the ‘wrong frame of mind’ for unless it’s life on planet earth……

Pfffffffft.

To be honest I feel a lot like swearing but not in my usual casual way, in fact, I feel like saying all the REALLY bad words I know just because I can. Then again, that wouldn’t make for a very good post, would it?

I think I’m mostly just tired. I’m tired of my job, and of my friends, and of my family, but most of all I think I’m tired of being awake. I’ve actually been awake for quite a long time despite my very best efforts to the contrary.

Tonight I keep thinking that I wish people would just let me be, trust me to know myself, and have some faith in the fact that WeeGee might be a lot of things but being a TOTAL IDIOT really isn’t one of them.

I know that people are trying to care and I know I’m lucky that they do but one of these days I’m going to have to step back out into the real world without a safety net. It’s tough I guess for the people who dragged me out of the dark but now I’m out of it I need to be in charge again because when it comes down to it I’m a strong little thing and when I’m well it’s my way or the highway.

Above all else I’d like everybody to just leave me alone for a while and stop with all this wisdom that doesn’t always sound very wise to me. What I really need is for someone to tell me that all is, and will be well. Because WeeGee is a strong and independent woman who can work all this stuff out by herself. And because things don’t always have to end badly – because sometimes they don’t have to end at all.

And if any of this made any sense to you….. Welcome to planet mental

Love you lots

WeeGee xoxoxoxo

About today

Stone

Posted on March 11, 2013March 11, 2013 by WeeGee

I figured it was about time I did a bit of an update from WeeGee land because it’s been a while. It’s not so much that I’ve been putting it off it’s just that I haven’t really known where to start…..

I wonder where I should start?

So. On a scale of one to mental, I don’t think I’m mental at all. Which is good. At the same time, I’m not convinced that I’m entirely myself. From the outside looking in it must seem that I am because I’m doing a good job of pretending to be me – all jaunty and hilarious and AWESOME. But something isn’t quite right. In fact it feels a lot like my big swollen heart got swapped out for a stone. How on earth do you go about finding your heart again?

http://youtu.be/5QC84iiv2V4

I’m not used to being so distant and separate from the people I care about. I’m not sure I like it, but I keep coming back to the notion that the harder your heart is the less you get hurt. Maybe I’m doing this on purpose. Maybe shutting the whole world out is perfectly rational in light of everything? I don’t know…..

I’ve a lot to be sad about right now. I need to remember that and accept that sad is okay sometimes. I’ve also got a few things to care about. I need to remember that as as well and accept that one of these days caring is going to have a happy ending. Whatever that might be.

In summary? I’m a bit mixed up but holding on tight.

Love you all lots and lots xoxoxoxoxox

About today

Because it was there

Posted on March 3, 2013 by WeeGee

Today I have mostly been thinking about how far I’ve come since this time last year. When I think back to how I felt, and I how ill I actually was in March 2012 it’s tempting to come to the conclusion that I’m a different person altogether…

It was a fairly standard Sunday in WeeGee land – brunch with Mr Brave, a good long run, a chit chat with Mrs Sparkle, and making French onion soup with a bit of soccer ball in the background for good measure. It’s hardly rock and roll but when you compare it to curling up in a teeny tiny ball wishing you were dead you have to admit it’s a pretty damn sweet life I’ve got going on for myself now.

Even the setbacks don’t feel too much like setbacks anymore. When rubbish things happen now I recognise that although they might make me feel sad they are little more than the ‘contingencies of life’ and that whatever you think, or however you feel, life will keep going on so long as you’re prepared to let it. I wish I could pinpoint the moment when I decided that all this living stuff was for me, but I can’t; it just kind of crept up on me.

This week has been and gone now. It was a fairly solemn week what with one thing and another but IT WASN’T THE END OF THE WORLD. This week was just another week where things, and stuff and what not happened and where WeeGee faced up to it all and said I STILL WANT TO BE ALIVE THANKS ALL THE SAME.

More than anything this week I feel like I’ve suddenly realised that this is what recovery feels like. It isn’t perfect – sometimes I get sad, sometimes I cry until I can’t cry anymore, sometimes I wish there was a stop button and sometimes I just want to hide. But most of the time I’m still out there, doing my little thing and climbing that impossibly tall mountain that goes by the name of life.

WeeGee: intrepid and fearless mountaineer.

HUGE ginormous hugs from WeeGee xoxoxox

Welcome to my world

Hitch hiking all the way to Planet Mental

Posted on February 25, 2013February 25, 2013 by WeeGee

Today I have mostly been wondering exactly how many idiots there are in the world and just how many more of them I’m destined to meet and mistake for a nice person….. What can I say? People are endlessly disappointing.

You know me – I don’t mind people being mixed up, or confused, or frightened, or sad, or mental or anything else for that matter. I take people as I find them on the understanding that human beings only really want to be kind to one another. Trouble is – not many people seem to be able to understand that too. Mr Hilarious pointed out that ‘perhaps it’s time for WeeGee to harden her heart and stop letting all and sundry live there’ Perhaps it is, but that doesn’t feel like the right thing to do, not really. I wish I knew what the right thing to do is…..

Can somebody give me a lift to Planet Mental?

Anyway – enough of all that. Just a quick reminder that I’ve got me a little WeeGee shaped space on Facebook if you’d like to join me:

http://www.facebook.com/HungryElephant

Incidentally if you’d like to add the real me you are very welcome to. Discretion guaranteed and my status updates are every bit as pithy and witty as you’d expect 🙂

I don’t have much else to say for myself today. All is well but I felt the need to a) have a little moan and b) engage in a spot of shameless self promotion.

Here’s a song. It is a song what I like:

The end

HUGE love, WeeGee xoxoxo

Moving forwards

And now for something completely different….

Posted on February 12, 2013 by WeeGee

Evening folks.

Today I decided it was time to put some of those grand plans I’ve been making in my head into action, because I’ve been sitting on my backside doing nothing for too long and I’m bored of sitting on my backside doing nothing and the only way to remedy that is to get up and get on.

I’m proud of How do you eat an elephant? I like what I’ve achieved here, and what we’ve done together and I think we’re all pretty damn AWESOME so I figured we might as well tell a whole different world about how AWESOME we are.

Ladies and gentlemen….. I give you How do you eat an elephant? on Facebook:

http://www.facebook.com/HungryElephant

I really hope you’ll head across and join me because I promise we’re going to have a whole lot of WeeGee shaped fun over there. It’s going to be an AWESOME and hilarious little place, where everybody is welcome and hugs are available on tap. Not only that – there’s even a PRIZE for follower number one…..

Go on. You’ll never know what you’re missing unless you try it.

Lots and lots of love (and I’m going to feel a bit foolish if no-one comes to the party) WeeGee xoxoxoxoxo

About today

Here we to again

Posted on February 12, 2013February 12, 2013 by WeeGee

Today I have mostly been staying at home taking care of myself because the past few days have been pretty rotten and when things get rotten WeeGee forgets to take care of herself. I was all up and ready to go when I remembered one of the important lessons I learned during the last bad patch: sometimes you have to stop until you’re ready to start again. Today is about getting myself back on the starting blocks before everything gets out of hand.

Taking care of yourself is quite easy. It’s about being kind to yourself, and letting yourself relax, and reminding yourself that wherever you happen to be is exactly where the future starts because the thing about the future is that it just keeps on coming at you. That there is another one of those valuable lessons that I’ve learned along the way.

Whilst we’re on the subject of lessons I might as well remind myself of this one: if you find yourself vulnerable, and tired, and a little bit hormonal to boot you ABSOLUTELY MUST eat because if you add starving to vulnerable, tired and a little bit hormonal you end up with the perfect storm on your hands and you start behaving like a proper nutter.

I spoke to Mrs Mountain earlier because it felt like the right thing to do even though we’ve got an appointment tomorrow. As always she was wise, and kind and patient and she reminded me that I don’t have to figure it all out by myself, and that maybe this isn’t really about the things I’m making it about and that I’ve been okay before which means it is an absolute certainty that I’m going to be okay again. She also reminded me that receiving a mahoosive gas bill isn’t really the kind of thing that ought to drive you to almost jump out of the window because it’s only money and money is the thing that matters least in life and if you jump out the window all the things that really matter disappear as well.

Anyway I’m on a bit of a mission today – I’ve got lists to write, and things to face up to, and help to ask for. Above all else I’ve got music to listen to, and a cat to cuddle and an awful lot AWESOME stuff to look forward to. I keep thinking about bouncebackability and remembering the WeeGee is like a weeble because it doesn’t matter how much she wobbles she never ever falls down.

Meanwhile in other news Gryff has been a super little cat so far today. Every time I sit down he takes it upon himself to sit with me purring in that simple contented fashion that cats do – it’s as though he’s trying to pass on some of his contentedness to me, and I think it might be working. Nothing else to report today save it’s upwards and onwards once more……

Loads and loads of love, and a bit of Gryff’s contentedness, WeeGee xoxoxox